Top Eleven post of 2009

Eleven because everyone else did 10 and I didn't want to copy them. All these posts where written in the name of Humor.

The first post is a You type post, the kind where I put you as the character and tell you what you think, on the topic of Jewish Geography.

The second post is on the topic of kashruth gone wild where everything gets labeled.

The third post is on February being black history month and I explain why black is such an important color that it gets its own month.

The fourth post(oh, by the way these are in order of the months not which is best) is on the topic of four hashgacha milk, also a you.

The fifth post, unlike the first post which question what is yeshivish, this one delves into how to look yeshivish which is a completely different topic.

The sixth post is a post on frum version of monopoly called kollel-opoly, hey you cant work to win right? so instead you open up yeshivos and kollels.

The seventh post is on the the habit of people writing the number 613 at the end of their e-mail address.

The eighth post is a parody on the famous book Harry Potter called Chaim Snyder, coming to an Eichlers near you.

Tisha Mi Yode'ah, Tisha Ani Yo'dea, Tisha is the ninth post on how to work out the frum way, I even got a link from Heshy Fried for this one.

The tenth post(s) is the series of Frummie Love Story, full edition.

Finally, the Eleventh post I have to say was Merry Nittel Nacht, a fake on a Christmas Carrol written by Charles Dickens.

Enjoy all the posts on 09, and many more to come.

Frummie Love Story Part VIII: The Making Of A Shadchan

Okay, before I write the 8Th part to this wonderfully long story which has seen its fair share of emotions and Shadchan detectives, I have to wish a great big Mazel Tov to two bloggers who are now engaged to each other, Mak and Child Ish. You might go as far as to call it a real frummie love story in the making and may they build a bayis ne'aman b'yisroel. Aymen, or uhmane, or Ahmen, or even Ooomine if your chassidish.

Shabbos once again came and this time with the amazing feeling of unity that Chana was feeling within herself. She felt that Yitzchak Pomerantz was going to be part of her life, read her Jewish poetry and charm her, and it would be bliss. Just there was one little problem, she still had to go out with him and she didn't feel right asking him directly without a shadchan, and she couldn't use a shadchan because they don't treat Chana as shidduch material (see big problem).

This was all it came to, all her work was stuck at one little road block. She remembered reading somewhere that love conquers all, she thought about the line trying to give it a religious perspective so she would believe in it. Something like if you want something enough hashem will help you, came to her mind.So she had to make a plan that would work, like her somewhat successful plan to help her find out Yitzchoks name. She discussed it with Rifky. They thought about pickup lines, but saying "Wow your hat is just so shtark wanna talk about it over some chalav yisroel coffee" wouldn't work for two reasons. The first being that he would probably be scared off by it, and two its really not the greatest pickup line in the world, sorry to all the frum people who wanted to use it, I suggest not to it wont get you far.

Chana and Rifky decided to say tehillim and hopefully hashem will grant them the idea they need. After two hours and the whole tehillim, they came up with a brilliant plan. They will turn Rifky into a shadchan and she will set them up, thereby nullifying any sort of complication possible, including shidduch resumes with stupid questions.

At the end of the day Chana knew that she was on the right track. But different feelings of doubt arose, "Will he like me?" was her question, "Will he be a nut on dates like some of those freaky stories they sometimes have in the shidduch newspaper articles that's meant for only people in the parsha to read but are really read by everyone?" was another. These thoughts flashed through her mind, and there was a constant battle between what could possibly happen and what she wanted to happen with each side bringing different reasons and logic. For now we leave her in a state of confusion.

My New Years

Material Maidel had a post here, on the topic of celebrating "New Years". I began to think, is it right or is it not. I came to the conclusion I personally wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years". Going to watch the ball drop in times square, getting mad drunk, watching all the ESPN top ten highlights for every sport this past year, are all things that would make me feel weird if I did them (okay the one about sports I wouldn't feel weird doing).

That weird feeling I would have I can only describe as me missing out on something from what is My usual New Years. For example: The taste of an apple dipped in honey or chalah, humming dip the apple in the honey while dipping it in the honey, eating a fishes eyes, trying all the simanim that I would never eat all year round anyway, sitting in shul for hours and knowing my fate is being determined that day, and so on. I wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years" without that. The most I would do for "New years", and not feel like I'm missing something, is saying the year 2010 over 90 times so I feel comfortable saying it, like people would with V'sane Tal U'matar, but thats where it ends.

P.S. last year I wrote how everything has been down like the ball dropping including gas prices which were 1.83, well that went up another dollar in the past year.

Merry Nittel Nacht

Warning: very stereotypical, well the beginning at least.

Tonight is the night that people don't learn but cut up toilet paper, eat Chinese food and watch all the new movies before the Christians can. Its Nittel Nacht, and to go with it a story.

Once upon a time there was an old Jew with a very Jewish nose, reaching about four inches off his face. He was extremely ungenerous to all the Christians who would ask him for charity upon the coming of Nittel Nacht. When he wouldn't give them they would ask "Where is your Nittel Nacht spirit?" which he would answer "Bah, Hanukkah" in a grumpy old voice.

It twas the night of Nittel, and all were not touching the Talmud or any other source of Judaic learning, including the old Jew, Ben Ezra Gold, when came upon the door was Eliyahu Hanavi. The old Jew asked "Who is it that disrupts me while I chop up toilet paper, better not be those stupid carolers. Bah, Hanukkah". Eliyahu answered "It is I the prophet". Eliyahu came to the old Jew to tell him you will be visited by three malachim (angels) tonight. One would be the Malach of what already happened, the next would be the malach of Achshav (hebrew for now), and the next would be the Malach of what will be. The old Jew said to Eliyahu Hanavi "What have I done to deserve such holy treatment?" to which Eliyahu Hanavi answered "Well if you think its holy treatment then I guess they wouldn't be of help too you either way".

So Eliyahu the prophet left the old Jew Ben Ezra Gold, and called off the three malachim, and there never was a whole long journey where he finds out about himself and changes his ways like all the good Nittel Nacht Carols do. Life moved on and the old Jew ate the Chinese food in peace, and stayed grumpy to all the gentile children, and he knew how to keep Nittel Nacht well if any man alive possessed the knowledge to do so for all the years to come.

Kosher Innovations That Didnt Make It

Over the years KI has made inventions that have astounded the Jewish world. The most famous being the kosher lamp and toilet paper. Some less famous ones include the mitzvah muzzle and lashon hara gag. But there were some ideas that were rejected or just never caught on.

Tznius leg warmers were one of the items that never made it. Being that regular leg warmers resemble pants they decided to make it a one piece that wrapped around both legs instead of two separate ones for two separate feet. It never caught on due to the inability to walk in them.

Purple Ketchup. Who remembers purple ketchup? Yes the KI institution of frumology came up with this one. We know that red is an immodest color. If you like being bleached then hop on over to meah she'arim wearing red, they will be more than happy to shower you in bleach. So instead of the usual immodest ketchup they turned it purple. The purple Ketchup hit its climax when it made its way into McDonald's happy meals. That's when Kosher Innovations decided their product is to kosher to make it to a non-kosher place, and they pulled it from the shelves never to be seen again.

The Umbrella Hat. The hat that could be used for davening and acts as an umbrella when you cant carry one on shabbos. This too never caught on for various reasons that included it looking ridiculous.

The Talis Kattan Bag. "We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item over night. Available with name tags (this is from last years post)". Well as much as they thought it would catch on like the talis bag, it didn't and they aborted this one too.

There are probably many more of inventions like these that I don't know of. They feel rejected and hurt because no one wants them. I'm just voicing them to others out there, because maybe they too will one day become like their role model inventions such as the Kosher Phone, Kosher lamp, Tefillin sweater and others.

Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

Rating The Midwood Bakeries: Part IV

Yesterday I went to the ever so awesome Pita Sababa on kings highway and east 3rd, and just like last year I'm rating their sufganiot a complete ten. There wasn't a lack of jelly, a deep pocket full of it. The jelly wasn't clumped like some other places I went to last night, it was smooth and very tasty. The dough was also very well made. At 1.50 a piece its well worth it.

Pressers on M and east 17, The jelly was clumped, the dough was too chalk like of a texture, a normal amount of jelly considering its small size and only a dollar. I'm rating it a 6 in taste and over all also 6 being that their service was okay and the price of it was fair enough for its size.

Kaffs bakery on East 18 and ave. M. I actually had a nice conversation with the guy at the counter so he gets some points on customer service. It was self service so he gets heimish points too, but that's were it ended. The dough was actually worse then Pressers and the jelly was clumped and not a flowing so well, the pocket was deep enough for me, even if its a smaller sufgania its has to have more jelly, and it was 25 cents more than pressers so they only lose here. I rate it in taste a low five and overall a 6, remember they got extra points back there (well i cant say.

Porges on K and Coney island Avenue. It was self service so yes they also get heimish points, but it was a woman behind the counter so they are losing those points. The jelly was also clumpy, I dont get it, why did these last three places have clumpy jelly its just not good! The dough was average, also at a 1.25. The pocket of jelly was average too. This one gets a taste of 6 and over all a 6.

Im planning on going to a few more places soon, if your favorite bakery hasnt gotten an official rating by me and you wish it would, just click on # people gave their 2 cents below and drop a comment. Till then Wishing you all a Happy Hanuka