Its a large world out there

You know that saying "its a small world after all" well its wrong. The world is a large place full of things to do and people to meet, and I don't need some guy I just met to tell me its a small world after hearing we know the same people, dude its a small frummie world not a small everyone world..

Yes its a large world, and I was living it for the past week and a half, finding no time to blog at all. A lot has happened since I left, Tu b'shvat came and went, I was planning on writing about how no one really celebrates it and it gets lost in the sphere of influence the next two holidays have. One fact about Tu b'shvat while were in the subject, more people opted to plant a tree in the game of farmville in honor of tu b'shvat this year then really planting a tree.

Also there was an earthquake in Haiti which I did briefly write about, but what I failed to mention is that some Frum Jewish people (not the ones that went to help) are showing signs of joining the JKK or Jew Klux Klan. Its outright disgusting that some people are Happy, that's right, happy about the destruction and death of non Jews who have not wronged them in anyway. I was ready to blow up at some of these people, but its a useless argument they're never gonna get it straight, years of distortion have got them were they are and one rant isn't gonna change it.

Well now that Ive lived life for a week or so its time to hibernate and blog again till some warmer weather comes along, maybe I'll pick up jogging in the morning to keep me going or that groundhog better show up soon..... or not show up, does anybody know which one makes spring come earlier and when is groundhog day?

Another Edition of Mike Tonight

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In frum news, a new wave of people in Israel have been living by segulos for everything they need. They have been reported to "dial a Yeshua" for all their basic needs from the organization called Kupat Ha'ir, and have tried everything else to get help besides pray to g-d for it. As one "Segulaist" said, "Why pray when a rabbi can promise you anything, think of it as a genie with a beard".

Although not everybody is happy with this lack of faith in g-d. Many are disgusted that the more radical Segulaists don't even attend shul anymore. Others are more disgusted that people wont use shadchans anymore and rather rely on a segula to get married instead. One shadchan poured out her heart to us "(sob) its just.... its just that I love manipulating people into going out with each other (choke, sob) why wont they let me continue (sob) lets just ban segulos".

In a even more recent report, the Segulaists have pretty much broken off from mainstream orthodoxy, and even have cult like behaviors. Just this past motzei shabbos they had a gathering in the forest of Jerusalem behind yad v'shem. We had are very own David Spiegler there to report the story. David Spiegler: "Yes Mike, as you can see (no you cant this is bloggeradio) behind me there are havdalah candles lit all over and about 400 people dancing around making Indian noises and showering in the havdalah wine and some even going as far as to wash there clothing in it. To onlookers it seems like a cult ritual that includes immersing in wine, but we spoke to one of the group leaders who organized it and she had this to say".

Group leader Avigayil Sidorov (spoken with a heavy Israeli accent): "We are not a cult of any sort, although it might look like it due to the candles lit and the bathing in havdalah wine, but in actuality we are just performing the well known segula of taking the havdalah wine and putting it on your forehead. Its just that over time people put it on their eyes to purify them and in their pockets so they can get money for the coming week, so we decided to just dip our whole selves in it and we will cover everything, and we wash our clothing in it so we don't miss any pockets or any other segulos".

David Spiegler: Despite their intentions, Mike, it seems like a real cult. Back to you in Midwood I'm David Spiegler.

Me: Thank you David, in other frum news there was an earthquake in Haiti killing 200,000 and leaving many with out homes and others trapped under the rubble.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.
This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

Pizza Store Conversations

Some people go to a Starbucks to drink coffee and get wifi so they can keep up with every ones lives on twitter or facebook. Others get the coffee and wonder about what everyone else is thinking. I'm telling you that if you really want to know what others are thinking and/or want to get the latest buzz on someones life then walk into a Brooklyn pizza store, its as simple as that.

It just so happens to be that this very concept was rudely thrust into my face when I went for pizza the other day with an acquaintance. I sat down behind a guy, probably in his late 20's early thirties, talking to his mother. I didn't even have to turn around to try and figure out what he was talking about or check his status to find out whats the big issue in his life, he simply told me. Okay not really told me, but he said it loud enough for anyone to hear, so its as if he told me.

Me and my acquaintance didn't feel like hearing about his whole life, but this is how it went. He was arguing with his mother over his fathers estate, although it didn't sound like his father was dead yet. He went on to explain how his father treats him like dirt and doesn't invite him to football games. His mother tried telling him that that's not true, but he knew the truth. At one point they were talking about someone else who they knew and did not have a father, and somehow loud mouth in a pizza shop didn't want to "share" his own father with someone else. His mother tried to convince him that this guy needs a father, to which he persistently said " I have a father why should I give up mine to help him out just because he doesn't have one, its not my fault". At this point me and my acquaintance were scratching our heads, didn't he just say that his father treats him like dirt? It went on and on, constantly arguing back and forth on every single subject about family and money to doctors, lawyers and psychologists, and that wasn't the mother boasting about of her sons accomplishments. My acquaintance was speculating about telling them to just shut up because no one wants to hear it, I said I would take a video if he did for proof, it didn't happen in the end and we just left. We did try to make our own little argument to hint to them that arguing in public is rude, and that didn't work too well.

Ahem, right, so getting back to the point if you really want to do what it is i wrote in the opening paragraph, then a Brooklyn pizza store is the place. Do you have any stories of weird conversations you might have been forced to listen to? do tell.

Just A Few Thoughts

Don't you find it funny that there are all these little things in life that contradict each other, isn't it funnier when its the big things in life.

YU had a whole convention for the coming out of the closet gay frum Jews. Then every single chareidi rabbi condemns it and there are a bunch of words like abomination going around. YU is targeted and called a Toeivah institution, this causes more hate on it from the frummie community. Here's the funny part, Yeshiva University only had a conference about gay Jews, but yet when the Frum Community is faced with actual acts of sexual abuse they cover it up and hide it for fear that the yeshivos will close down or that chas v'shalom a family name should be ruined. It sickens me that there are people out there that can ruin a persons life mentally, completely destroying it and having the victims lose their sense of self, feeling isolated, and having to undergo years of therapy just to get back to normal, and yet the Jewish community hardly gives a damn. When it comes to a discussion on Toeivah they scream and riot and whatever. Tell me whats the real abomination here it doesnt take a genius.

IM STILL WAITING

Its been over a year now since Obama was elected, and all is fine, well almost. The world is still running, there is no universal wars, I can still live a normal life with the liberty to practice my religion. Who could have thought that we could go a whole year since he was elected without having one of these things, oh wait I thought so, but there were those who didnt.

Flashback to a year ago. Remember people were holding tehillim rallies so he wont be elected, others were fasting hoping hashem will rip up the bad decree. I remember people telling me a lot of things, many weird things, they are going to leave the country and move to monsey, or kiryas yoel was just one of them. Others predicted 2012 to happen early with proofs from prophecies of the neviim, Zohar, Chumash, Gemorrah, or any other sort of Jewish work, and it was quite funny to see how they would try to prove it. They would tell me "If you take this letter from here and add it to this one here multiplied by that it equals Obama". At first I would be perplexed as to why they chose such a random order to prove something when I could do that with anything, they should have used a system that at least had a pattern. Then I would ask "Okay you proved it says Obama somehow, now how does that prove he is the cause of the end of the world?" a smart person wouldn't answer, dumb ones said things along the lines of "Hitler had that whole youth program and Obama is working on one" (oh so that's why Obama wanted to speak to kids in school (sarcasm sarcasm)).

And yet it has been a year, Obama is president and Mashiach isn't here, nor are people running to different countries like they promised, and I'm still waiting for the testimonies of some to come true, who wants to wait with me.

WHERE WAS HE?

Throughout the whole campaign for mayor I did not hear one good thing about Thompson. Whether I was listening to the radio, saw an ad in the Jewish press, or saw one on TV, I didn't hear anything for Thompson. All I knew of was from the Bloomberg for mayor ads, it told me Thompson wants to raise taxes, give money to people who are supporting him and something to do with contracts, but never did I hear something good about Thompson.

May be there was nothing good about him? maybe he really did all those bad things and would do them again so he felt too ashamed to even mention his name anywhere? But then why did Thompson even run if he didn't plan on getting the word out to me, or anyone else that he can do something with this state?

I just don't understand this Thompson dude, whether Obama would support him or not, like he did with Corzine in new jersey which corzine lost anyway, how would it have helped if he never said he could do anything for us! Did he really campaign and I just missed it somewhere or am I really right.

Studies on YWN and VIN commenters

VIN and YWN have been the source of ridicule amongst the Jewish websites. It seems that if anyone is poking fun of any site its usually one of these two. It has come into question as to why people cant help but laugh at whats written in their comment sections, and post them up on blogs and Facebook profiles.

A recent study done by the National Committee for Spotting Stupidity (NCSS) came to prove the theory that the commentators on YWN and VIN are completely blind sighted when it comes to reading the news. Their lack of respect for fellow commentators has been shocking, at any given point in a day there is hate, and coffee, being spilled in their coffee rooms. Many have come to call other commentators such terms as, Shygetz, Anti-semite, Goy, Nazi, Mashiach stopper, and Shygetze mashiach stopping goy, and many more such terms. But the hate is not the only thing bringing people from all walks of Judaism to laugh at these sites, The NCSS has taken a poll that has shown that the average VIN commenter has a stupidity rating of 67% that is light years above the stupidity of the national commenting average which stands at 38%. But what is even more shocking about the NCSS's study is that the average YWN commenter is 12 points ahead in stupidity compared to a VIN commenter, YWN stands at a whopping 79% in stupidity, an earth shattering point.

After hearing these latest announcements from the NCSS a YWN commenter had this to say "What can we do? we Frum Jews are removed from society, its the non frum Jews who should have better morals" and when asked what happened to being a light onto nations he responded with "Its all because we done have a strict enough tznius level, if only we were to wear cardboard boxes we would be passed this nisayon, hashem yirachem. I better give two dollars to kupat ha'ir so this halachah can be passed and our yeshua can come".

With the mystery out of the way we can only look to the future to tell us if they will be stupid and keep to what they are doing, or they will find a more civilized and less foolish way to comment, being that they have such high stupidity rate their chances look bleak.

THIS IS DIFFERENT

This ad is ludicrous, its advertising a pretend tatty kit with talis and tefillin. Who...... what..... why....... how come..... I'm at a loss of words here. Ill just explain what they're trying to do and you can comment (hint hint) on how you feel about this. Basically its selling you 40 bucks worth of fake talis and tefillin so your child can play pretend tatty, includes embroidered talis and tefillin bag and tefillin boxes. I think its a nice way to scam people of their money because Ive never seen any boy playing house, girls yes boys no, so why would they want to play pretend tatty, does it include pretend tatty hat and jacket? I surely don't like this idea but tell me otherwise if you think so.

DOOF SQUARE

Doesn't it seem a bit ridiculous that the famous Jewish company New Square (I guess that's what we will call it for now) decided to rename their milk product My Skware, but not their other products (?). Are there a bunch of tuna beigels running the company that think its kool to misspell words (probably learnt it from texting on their blackberrys)? and thought that kids will drink it if its misspelled (or do they really not know how to spell?) In any case they spelled it kind of weird and there was no reason to call it My Skware when New Square was just fine.

But just when you thought it was all over and the shenanigans were all solved, they decided to rename their milk "Best Square" (and their other products still haven't changed from New Square). I only have more and more questions, why cant they choose a name (for all their products) and stick to it, it really doesn't matter what the name is just keep to one so I can buy milk without going "uhhhhh..... hmmmmm........ ummmm..... Huh? (tilts head)".

If they need a name so badly then I got one for them "Doof Square", it describes them perfectly.

HE REALLY WASNT LIKED BY THAT MANY

When I saw the news of Mike Jackson's death I was shocked, and in fact I was just like the rest of the world that decided to stop hating him and mourn the worlds new loss. NO! I'm sorry but if I were to write that it would be a lie, I for one will not fall into the traps of the media, which is trying to portray him as some sort of G-d or king (on a side note, one left wing reporter literally said "Obama is g-d", and like any other left wing reporter, hes nuts). A handful of people on this world hated him and accused him of many wrongdoings, but once he died it was like he went to church, confessed, and all his sins magically evaporated and then condensed into the tears everyone now sheds over him ( yeah, that was the water cycle used in a simile with a priest).

I don't care where I was when I found out about it, or what I was doing at the time, my emotions did not change one bit when I heard about his "tragic" death. I may feel bad for the people who bought tickets to his upcoming concerts, but you can all go buy a ticket to his funeral if you'd really like (now that's one crazy idea). Very few cared about him in this world, other hated him, and now they are together in unison, forgetting what he did to some and remembering that he introduced the moonwalk to us.

But who cares anymore about what he recently has done, every newspaper had to have him on the front cover, I bet you if they cut of his hair and sell it, it would sell for 500 times as much as it would if he did himself when he was alive. The world just doesnt get it, he was a bad man stop crying!

Now I know some of you are big time fans of his, how youy still are I do not know, but the least you can do is not start a facebook club to say kaddish for him, he isn't worth it, for what hes done no kaddish is moving him to heaven.

Whew (wipes sweat off forehead) what a rant, I'm done for tonight.

INNOVATING USELESS KOSHERNESS

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Also for shabbos, we have a new alarm clock. You have the regular alarms for shachris 1, and shacharis 2, then mincha and ma'ariv; but now we have one new alarm for the musaf service too, to make sure you don't over sleep musaf.


Have you ever felt the need to calculate how much money you owe to your child's yeshiva? Well we are in the middle of mass producing a never before seen pocket computer system, that will be able to instantly calculate how much you owe to the yeshiva. All you have to do is punch in a few numbers from your bill, and how much you paid so far, and it will magically tell you what you owe. All those years of not taking math class, will finally pay off. And if you order right now, then when we start to sell the product, we will give you an extra one, free!, so you can keep track of your other child's tuition bill too!

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DID THE TABLES TURN OR DID I JUST SWITCH SIDES?

For a little over a year strawberries have been banned, due to infestation. I have always liked strawberries, but now I have to eat their cousins the kiwi, who is not as good. The strawberry saw itself drop from the markets, no more shmorgs with the strawberry salads, no more weddings with strawberries going untouched, the strawberry era had died.

That was until recently, when an unlocal Israeli rabbi supposedly lifted the ban. I was shocked, "are the tables turning" I thought to myself "could it be that after 7 years of chumros, will come the 7 years of heterim?" I dreamt. Then VIN interpreted the Rabbis words. The Rabbi meant that, if there were worms that were invisible to the naked eye then you can eat the strawberry (then yosef was appointed to viceroy). Who in the world makes a mistake between visible worms and invisible worms! and if the worms are visible youre still not allowed to eat them, no matter what the rabbi says. Im not getting how someone can make such a mistake.

So when I thought the tables had turned, they didn't, and I was only fooled that they did, it was an optical illusion (or they turned invisible who really knows?). Well, now I cant wait for the next chumrah (Yaakov please come and end this 5 years early).

THEY WERE RIGHT

Today I decided to visit the infamous coffee room of YWN, for the very first time. I knew I would find something interesting. The commenter Pashuteh Yid is highlighted in red.

"Slits being a problem has no basis in halacha. The requirement is that the knees and above be covered at all times. Most people feel that you need an extra few inches so that the knees are covered when sitting, as well. So any slit that ends 3 inches below the knees is totally fine, as the entire skirt could end there. Anyting you do below the 3 inch line is OK. You can have a slit, you can have elaborate cutouts, you can eliminate everything, you can cover down to your toes, you can embroider a picture of your dog, whatever you do is fine, as long as everything is covered above the 3 inch point.
We have enough halachas, why invent new ones? "

I do like his last sentence, pretty smart. The next commenter, Why do I even bother (his name), is highlighted in maroon.

"Pashuteh Yid, I will let the others jump down your throat, but I do have to say that your comment is one of the dumbest, narrow minded comments I have read. Most people at least say that "My rav told me this" or "In my community this is acceptable". You just went and paskened your (wrong) opinion..."

I love what this guy wrote, he actually wrote one of the dumbest, most narrow minded comments Ive ever read. He actually cares how a person presents his case; rather, than on the facts he states, and he called him wrong, and poshiter yid was clearly right. But not to worry, another comment was made in the coffee room, one that was seen coming for miles, highlighted in orange and written by chuck schwabb (not the company).

"The total lack of tznius today is a terrible machla on us. We need to do a lot to alleviate this tznius crisis. Anything towards that goal, is highly commendable. "

Ahhh.... that was refreshing, I was just itching to hear something like that (what I actually guessed someone would say is "Untznius people are causing the swine flu epidemic, yidden listen to your father in heavens message").

I was told, countless times, that if I checked it out I would find something, turns out they were right. I will now coin a new phrase "Never underestimate the stupidity of a YWN commenter". Good Night.