KLAP TILL YOU DROP

Slichos was one O'clock in the morning at you're local shul. You never liked slichos, "Why so late? why so early? why so hard to follow?" was what you were thinking. Well whether you liked it or not you made your way to the shul for the slichos.

You start out with ashrei, something you knew, and continue with many unfamiliar paragraphs of hebrew. The little slichos you were using could have easily been a breslov pamphlet, you really couldn't tell the difference, and you would have been day dreaming if it wasn't night. You were very tired and it seemed as if you would conk out, all of a (the) sudden you hit the ashamnu part (the part were you klap your chest). Right then and there you hit yourself, and you get that stroke of genius that has been plaguing you ever since I started writing you posts (you posts are posts where I put you as the main character, like this post).

You realize that the slichos are special, that they shouldn't be taken lightly; you take that literally and proceed to klap you chest as unlightly as possible. The massive whacks that your chest endured was incomprehensible, it was a sight to see, it was amazing you didn't break a rib. But you did feel a pain on your chest, it was a black and blue mark, and every time you hit it it got worse, but you didn't care you knew what that hashem could punish you worse if you didn't try to do teshuvah.

As your are whacking yourself into the book of life, you realize no one else has this much enthusiasm. You wonder "Maybe they have bigger black and blue marks? or maybe they don't have to hit as hard to get one?". You turn towards the person next to you and ask "Do you have a black and blue mark from klapping your chest?" the man says, "Actually, I don't want one". You couldn't believe what you just heard, "He doesn't want a black and blue mark? what does he think? his fist is something to be feared even more so than hashem". This irked you, so you decided that if he wont do it himself you'll have to do it for him.

You go over to him and forcefully klap his chest, he looks at you and then shoves you away, you scream back "Do you wanna live this year or not?!", he turns away from you. This doesn't deter you, you run over to him and take his hand and try to klap him while yelling at him, "I'm trying to help you, let me help!" while fighting with you he says, "you're a nut, get off, I don't need a black and blue mark so just leave me alone" you ask for him to prove you don't, he retaliates with walking away.

You decide that you are going to, from now on, uphold your newly found minhag, and soon make it a halacha so then you can kill someone if they don't listen because its okay to kill over a halachic debate.

You come home from slichos more religious then ever, you even tell yourself, "Everyone knows a holy war is the way to go, even the most extreme religious Muslims agree with you and Islam stems from Judaism, it must be the right Jewish thing". So this rosh hashanah if they don't make it into the book of life your way, you'll be sure they wont make it in any other way.

THE CHALLAH THIEF

It was in a unmentionable place where it happened. The scene: My mother buying challah, a cart that cant fit through all the aisles and the challah thief.

It was today, a Friday, that it happened. My mother was out buying challah in Mountain fruit, she doesn't like water challah only egg and round, She picks up the last two chalot of that kind. As she was going around another aisle, with her cart unattended (something that should never be done in Jewish stores) due to small aisles, a person went to her cart took out one of her good challos and put in a lesser quality challah instead. My mother only noticed that she now had the wrong type of challah when she came to the register.

This person had the chutzpah to take out something from another cart, and not only that, but to switch it with another one, that's absurd. I understand if you by mistake added something to someone elses cart, you get confused it happens, but this person is just wrong. Something tells me that its not the first time they did it.

So watch out all you unmentional place goers, there is a challah thief (I will find out who you are). If you have any information at all (not giving you the name of the store so I am making it kind of hard), don't keep it to yourself, contact us with a comment below, you can keep yourself anonymous if you'd like.

WILL YOU EVER KNOW WHERE YOUR UP TO?

Last night I went to slichos. And as usual I lost the place every few minutes. No I didnt lose it because I have ADD. I lost it since those little pamphlet like "machzor" for slichos have got it all wrong. At first it all worked out with flipping back, I didnt have a problem. It would show a lttle few words and I would know to go back where ever I needed. After a while I noticed it was inconsistent with what the Chazzan was saying and would lose my place.

Now if you have one of those fancy sidduim with slichos in order and no turning back you have no problem with the place as you cruise through all of it and clop your chest a few times then stand up for Shema kol'einu.And even these guys dont know where the shul is holding all the time. Then there are guys like me who on a normal slichos basis, dont know where the chazzan is and just says everything for that days slichos and sits around until everyone elses done.

Some people dont say anything. They sit and wait, Pretend to clop their chest and scream Vay'yavor Hashem A'al Panav Vay'yikra. They are the fakers and its hard to tell who to ask where you are up to if you really care.

So I ask is it really possible to keep pace with the chazzan not just one day of slichos (you should up to him every day) every day of slichos. I just dont see it happening.