MA'ARIV PAINS

Tonight I went to shul for ma'ariv. It started out slow and then kept dragging on and on. I normally don't want a long ma'ariv but I wont complain about it either, but that's usually, tonight was different. From the beginning of Ve'hu rachum till the end of Aleinu was pure agony.

I usually take a little bit longer than the chazan when it comes to saying shema as so with most of the prayers, I always wonder does the chazan say every word? or does he mumbles through it. Tonight, like I said, was different not only did I finish before the chazan but I was waiting for the chazan to say hashem aleikechem emes. I had this big urge to whistle real loud (the one with your fingers in your mouth, not that I can do it) and shout "get moving already", I held myself back. Oh I didn't tell you the chazan was finished and I had no clue what he was waiting for, the messiah? maybe. In the end I made it through and I was okay.

I find it interesting that there could be shuls which stress the slow ma'ariv, and yet in the morning they have what I call "speedy ganshachris (gonzalez) minyanim" or Matzah Minyans (because they have to end in 18 minutes). I like my shuls consistent, either they have long everything (not that i'd go to this shul) or fast everything, you have to choose.

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A CHABAD POST

I am no chabadnick, but I know few things (Fabrengin, see I know something) when it comes to the lubavs. I know that they are the source of the Elders of Zion, going around converting everyone (I know they don't convert people). I know that they wont go day without a cup of vodka. I know they daven real late, 10:00 is the early minyan.

Somethings I love about 770, yeah I've been there, is that, you will never have a permanent seat. First try getting a seat, each one is taken and not given up easily, the place is always packed. Once you get one, don't stand for shemona esray, it will surely be taken. You could do the siddur on the table in front of you trick, to save your seat, your siddur will be taken away. You could even put it on your seat, to try and save it, but when you return to your seat it will be replaced with someone elses hat.

I love kri'yas hatorah, every single aliyah is given to someone getting married that week, which means that after every aliyah candy is thrown for the soon to be chosson. You could have 3 separate minyanim in 770 at one time, for ever chosson to get an aliyah; because, they come from around the globe just to get an aliyah at 770.

But recently after session of throwing candy, one of the candies hit the gabbai in his eye, he is partially blind in it right now, hopefully he will get better soon. He spoke about this to whoever is the head of 770, and they seem to want to get rid of the candy throwing business. I don't think that they need to stop it, how many years is it going on that no one got hurt, one incident is rare, I say don't stop it. But it seems like its going to stop, and one of my favorite lubav past times will drift away.

So what do you say to my first chabad post?

THE LAZY WAY OUT

There you are, no not there, oy, look to your left, yes there you are learning with your chavrusa. You have been learning with this chavrusa for a very long time, ever since you came to this place many moons ago (no I am not getting sci-fi on you). You both have learned through most of shas, tanach, and shulchan aruch, including most of the mephorshim. You and your chavrusah, are not like most people in the kollel, you actually learn something. You can say that you and your friend are living the kollel dream.

Everyday your schedule is exactly the same: Daven, learn, break, learn, learn, lunch, learn, mincha, learn, learn and learn some more, maariv at 9:00, go home. You basically are in the kollel pumping your way through the pages of Torah all the time. Your chavrusah has the same schedule as you.

Today is no different from your daily schedule. You start out to daven shachris and then go to learn, break, and learn, learn. At one point you are reading a posuk in chumash, in parshas yisro "sheshes yomim tavod". You look up at your chavrusah and say "I don't remember this being in the chumash" Your chavrusah says "no we have had it many times". You ask " Then I don't understand what it means", your learning partner answers "It means 6 days man should work, its simple to understand". You say "I knew what it meant, I don't understand how g-d can say that MAN should work? women work". Your chavrusah is perplexed and claims he never thought about it.

You then proceed to the head of the Rosh Kollel to ask this question, he answers that we men just don't work. This question still bothers you, If g-d said man should work, its a commandment and we have to work, why don't we. You decide that the kollel life is not the right life to live. You tell your chavrusah that you are leaving and that he should join you. He says maybe kollel is work. You quickly ask "isn't it a halacha that a man shall provide food for his wife?" You then say "I am leaving to do g-ds will, I am on a holy mission, call it jihad". Your friend says "If you leave then I wont learn with you". You say "You cant do that, we have been learning together for ages". Your friend then says "Why are you leaving anyway, when you live the kollel life everything becomes so easy for you, your wife does everything". You reply with "your right, why should I leave, it is easy, and if I do leave everyone will think I modern, or not Jewish at all, I am staying".

you end up continuing this system for the rest of your life, day in and day out. You still live with the question why we don't work, but you suppress it with how easy it is to take the lazy way out.

This story may not happen on such a large scale, but there are people out there who take the lazy/easy way out, and they go through life with this philosophy everyday. Basically, many stay in kollel just to get paid for doing nothing and being lazy.

FINDING A NEW SHUL

You have been searching for a new shul; ever since you got into one of the biggest fights in your old shul due to a guy forgetting someones Hebrew name. After your friend nagging you about this other shul you could go to, you decide to go there. You have absolutely no clue what this shul will be like, all you know is that its supposed to have a good kiddush and, anything is better than your old shul. You think to yourself "Why didn't half of the minyan from your old shul separate and make its own shul?". You answer that with "I would probably fight with them either way". You are still not so thrilled about this new shul.

So you head out to this new shul on shabbos morning. It occurs to you that this place is a black hatter shul, due to all the black hats. You find your friend, who told you to come, you wait till chazaras hashatz, not too long being that you walked in during baruchu. For some reason, you decide to take the seat of someones makom kavuah (usual seat he prays in). The guy doesn't say anything, rather he stands very, very close to you. Being that the guy doesn't use any deodorant, or cologne, you decide to move only to shoot him a dirty look. The guy intern, waves his smell at you with his hat.

So you pick a new seat. At this new seat you are sitting next to the loudest, worst voiced guy in the shul. Not only is he the loudest worst voice in shul, but he even goes as far as to use the chazans tunes while not pronouncing any of the words. So you are sitting right next to the guy who wont put his lips together on any of the words he says. You wonder to yourself " Is there a guy like this in every black hat shul? (the truth is, there is one in every black hat shul)". You decide to tell the guy off, he responds with an even louder than possible davening. To get back at the guy, you take away the tissue box the guy ever so needs for his drooling mouth (the drooling mouth is caused by not closing his lips as he says the words). Don't think Mister drool faced loud mouth doesn't have a plan, as he begins drool over you. You in return give back the tissue box.

After you are done chazaras hashatz, at which you would have talked to your friend only to be shushed repeatedly by the rabbi, you feel like this shul isn't for you. Leining is over, and you are thankful that a fight didnt start out over hebrew names. Your friend decided to request hagbah for you, you would have told him no, but whats done is done. After leining you get up there to do your thing. You say to yourself "this Torah isn't so hard, plus its pretty much even on both sides". You take the atzai chaim and thrust the Torah up in to air.

As you are turning around, to show off how well you did the job and how many columns you got, there is a guy behind you who starts to grab on to the Torah where ever he can. You tell him to stop, its going to fall, but the guy is to worried you don't have control of the Torah he tells you. You tell him repeatedly "hagbah isn't that hard I got, I got, your making it worse. He tells you "sit down already I don't want to fast 40 days!". The hagbah freak is now pushing you into a seat, and now guy who doesn't use deodorant is getting into the mix, you lose your balance and now the Torah falls. Everybody is shocked to see what happens.

Instant turmoil begins to erupt. People are screaming, the Rabbi runs to pick up the Torah, children are screaming for their mothers, a fire has broken out, how you do not know. One guy is trying to sneak his way out of shul so its as if he doesn't need to fast forty days, someone else jumps out the window in an attempt to do the same. A different guy punches you in the face and says "I cant fast 40 days I'll starve to death". You tackle j=him and scream back "you can eat at night, and its not my fault, its the hagbah freaks fault". Another guy knocks you off him and shouts back "I am not Muslim, I don't celebrate Ramadan" You scream back "they all eat in the bathroom anyway, don't you know?" another guy hits your friend over his head with a chair. You charge at the guy for hitting your friend. Now the shul is in complete chaos, everybody is hitting everybody. Loud mouth drool guy is coming after you, along with makom kavua guy. The fire that started before, is now getting bigger, everyone is forced evacuates the shul.

The screaming continues as the police come. They decide to arrest only you, on the charges of assault, damaging holy articles, and holy sites. As you are being carted off, you think to yourself, "That idiot if only he would have let me be, and now I have to fast in prison &*$%^&*@ " You curse out everything (mister loud drool face) and everyone (makom kavua guy and hagbah freak) that have made your shabbos a difficult one, and swear to never set foot in that now burnt down shul.

So this shabbos, people, be thankful your shul is..... no....no... there is no moral to this story, too bad.

WHAT DO YOU DO DURING CHAZARAS HASHATZ?

The most boring time during shachris and mincha is Chazaras hashatz. Let me explain why, the chazan is just reading what you said already, halachicly you don't need chazaras hashatz anyway, and three, you can see it on peoples faces.

So what to do to pass the time? Here is what I see people do on a regular basis.

The Talkers: These guys couldn't care about the amen the just missed, all they care about is complaining how long the davening is and why cant the chazan go faster. If they are into sports than all you'll hear is how they're fantasy team is down the drain, and how this guy cant play that sport. the Rabbi and gabbi will shush them, but it doesn't matter they keep on going.

The Readers: They keep to themselves through reading, be it a gemara or any old english book. You'll never have the Rabbi shooting looks at them.

The Pacers: They have nothing to do besides take a walk around the shul. They are usually the ones to clop for yaleh vi'yavo at the beginning of shmona esrei. They never have a siddur in their hands while walking, so when it come to kedusha you can hear them say the first few words loud and then they quiet down because they don't know the rest. Many times these guys walk up to the chazan and tell them random facts about shemona esrei, while they are in middle of chazaras hashatz.

The Collector: this guy goes to each and every guy, and some twice, just to get all their spare change for tzedakah.

The Astronauts: They just stare into space, thinking about Gd knows what, till the chazan finishes, at the end they cant remember if they stood for kedusha.

The long Daveners: These are the people who daven through the whole chazaras hashatz. Some of them stand still while davening and don't move unless the need to bow. Some are really violent and twirl they're peyos as they shake, or they just leave the peyos out, and messy. Then there are others that actually look like they are having a conversation with Gd.

The Listeners: Yes these people actually are listening to the chazan (hard to believe). Some of these people actually put their fingers on the place, and say amen with a lot of concentration.

The money counters: Plain and simple they count their money. These people get nagged by the collectors.

The textors: Even though cell phones must be turned off as you go into shul, some still text. these are the guys whose cell phones goes off during shemona esrei.

The Coffee Drinker: These guys are out of the shul during the repetition of Shemona esrei getting their coffees, and missing everything, only to come back when its over.

Mike In Midwood: Goes to shul to daven and get out. I just like doing my thing and then leave, that means; I don't talk in shul, or have a long shemona esrei, don't drink, I read a little, I day dream, give tzedakah, then I leave (of course I stay for aleinu).

What do you do during Chazaras Hashatz?

SHOFAR BLOWING THOUGHTS

I was in shul the other day. At the end of our morning services we all got to hear the great rams horn. When I first heard it I was thinking "Elul is here.....Shoots Yom Kippur is coming". Then I was thinking "I have to repent on all those sins I've made". I then was interrupted with the unworthy of a "Shofar blowing" sound.

This sound was not a typical shofar blow. No. It was far from it. Usually in a good blow you have this (hard to explain in words) fullness and power in it. Like a clarinet being played real well. Instead I got this air going through a tube which was being broken up into three parts then nine. Even the easier Tekiah (one full long blow no breaks) wasn't good.

So I wondered are you considered yotzei the mitzvah of shofar if the blow isn't a in full power and just air running through a tube?