THE BRESLOV WAY

Just the other day I was "attacked" by a Breslover "demanding" money from me. I gave the guy a dollar so he would go away, and he ended up giving me a Breslov pamphlet. Now in the past I would have thrown it right back, but the name of the book caught my eye, especially in these economic times.

The name of the book was called Easy Money. I almost jumped for joy, but I remembered I had some dignity, or I just didn't want to look like a fool. I gazed at the book and thought for a moment, "With this I wont ever have to work really hard, all I probably have to do is; say a few perakim of tehillim, hop on the next flight to uman and visit rav nachmans grave site, and then forty days later I'll be rich". I wondered if it was possible, and if it would be true I could change every ones lives.

So I decided to open it up and read its glory. I turned to any random page and started reading the first paragraph. The words read "Poverty is a state of mind". As I read those words my whole dream shattered, like a hard hit baseball punching its way through a stained glass window. I realized that the book was a scam to get the dollar out of me, and that I wont become rich saying a few pices of tehillim, But I also realized I can just sue Breslov for false advertising and then Ill accomplish the books title "Easy Money" anyway.

FRUM APIKORSIM

Another short post ;)

It just so happens to be that a real machmir rabbi, who is lubavitch, wrote in his new sefer, "Anyone who believes the Rebbe is mashiach is an apikoris (apikoris comes from the name Epicurus, who was a Greek philosopher who believed to do as the heart desires, which goes against the Jewish religions philosophy)". This poses a great problem for many lubbies, do they risk being called an apikoris, or do they give up the messianic crap. I assume that most of them will give it up easily, because who wants to be a Frum apikoris, its better to be an apikoris who gets all the benefits of this world, so they will stay Frum. Then there are the guys that call up the Jewish radio stations, and tell hosts like Zev Brenner, that 770 is the new beis hamikdash, they wont give up so easily.

What I really like about this is that, it came right in time for lag Ba'omer, when all the Lubavs who promote the messianic claims are out recruiting. Now instead of just telling them they're crazy, I can tell them they're apikorsim. Thank you Rabbi, being machmir cant always hurt.

In what ways will this new ruling help you? Help you shut up lubby messianic missionaries? or steal aliyos from them because apikorsim aren't allowed to have one? or even maybe allow yourself to finally detach from this way of life. What ever it may be, tell.

BIRKAT HACHAMAH

5:30 In the morning, I didn't think I would be up this early today, cant even see a ray of sunshine to say that birkat hachamah. The thing about the blessing of the sun, which I am waiting for now, is that all you have to say is one simple brachah; and yet, every pamphlet I got in the mail, or found from Chabad, or Oorah had something they always stretch it out, and none of them have the same way to stretch it out with. For example, in one says a halelukah first, and the other has some sort of Tehillim, or another has what the sun would say to Hashem from perek shirah; its not consistent, why they trying to put on us new minhagim? 28 years later you'll probably do it different, because you'll have a different pamphlet anyway. (beginning to see some light outside).

Sorry I don't know too much about why we say it every 28 years, something about the sun in a 364 plus 6 hour cycle messes it up every year, but I'm pretty sure you can google it.

Well I think people shouldn't get so worked up about saying it, Chabad in Philadelphia is going to say it from the Franklin Institute observatory (kinda cool), but its only one Brachah.

A CHABAD POST

I am no chabadnick, but I know few things (Fabrengin, see I know something) when it comes to the lubavs. I know that they are the source of the Elders of Zion, going around converting everyone (I know they don't convert people). I know that they wont go day without a cup of vodka. I know they daven real late, 10:00 is the early minyan.

Somethings I love about 770, yeah I've been there, is that, you will never have a permanent seat. First try getting a seat, each one is taken and not given up easily, the place is always packed. Once you get one, don't stand for shemona esray, it will surely be taken. You could do the siddur on the table in front of you trick, to save your seat, your siddur will be taken away. You could even put it on your seat, to try and save it, but when you return to your seat it will be replaced with someone elses hat.

I love kri'yas hatorah, every single aliyah is given to someone getting married that week, which means that after every aliyah candy is thrown for the soon to be chosson. You could have 3 separate minyanim in 770 at one time, for ever chosson to get an aliyah; because, they come from around the globe just to get an aliyah at 770.

But recently after session of throwing candy, one of the candies hit the gabbai in his eye, he is partially blind in it right now, hopefully he will get better soon. He spoke about this to whoever is the head of 770, and they seem to want to get rid of the candy throwing business. I don't think that they need to stop it, how many years is it going on that no one got hurt, one incident is rare, I say don't stop it. But it seems like its going to stop, and one of my favorite lubav past times will drift away.

So what do you say to my first chabad post?

PURIM IS ONE HECTIC NIGHT

Purim has arrived, as you celebrate the breaking of the fast of Esther. You bite into a piece of sponge cake and drink some orange juice. Then you hear everyone quiet down (is that even possible), the rabbi says a brachah and then everyone eats. "Oh shoots" you say" I ate before the rabbi, eh who cares" as you shrug it off.

You come home and decide to do some last minute preperation for shaloch manot. You are trying to think of what else you can put in, or what else you can put it in. You decide that the idea you had, of using a bag to keep the shaloch manot in, is okay. There you are (waving to us in the camera) stuffing in shaloch manot, twist tying it, and labeling it with your cheesy greeting card/label. You are finally done. You look at all of the bags you packed and set in rows against the wall. You say "They are all so nice, I picked a good bag, I even like the air holes at the bottom of every bag" you think for a moment, then.... "Hey, there aren't supposed to be any air holes, how did they get there? Oh shoots!". Turns out your bags were pierced by the sharp edges of your wafer boxes, as everything begins to spill out. All your work is ruined as you are wondering why you didn't go with the nice looking baskets like everyone else will, cheap isn't smart you say.

All of a (the) sudden, you hear the door bell ring, you open the door only to find people in costumes, and a limo in front of your house. You live in a very Jewish neighborhood, all are Jewish except your non-Jewish next door neighbor, so you expected this. The guys in costumes all start singing Chayiv inish libsumim (and smoke), as they dance there way in a circle into your house. You wait till they quiet down and ask what they want from you, they answer with, money. You ask what are you collecting for, they say "oh we are for a heiligeh tzedakah that if you give to it, all blessing shall be upon you". So you give 18$, one guy mutters "I thought this guy was rich?" You answer "you're right cheap isn't smart here's more" you give 50$ more. They leave and say thank you.

As you turn from your door it rings again, only to find another group waiting at it. They come in a circle dancing into your house singing Mishehnichnis adar marbim bisimchah. These guys just don't know when to end. You hear the door ring again, you assume its another group with a limo outside, and you are right. The new group starts singing Mishehnichnas adar marbim bisimchah, but a different tune. So now both groups have joined together, singing different tunes to the same song. You then say "Alright guys time to get what you came for". They instantly stop. The first group begins to say "We are collecting for...." they are cut off by the second group saying "helping children with difficulties is..." and they too are cut off. Now both groups are fighting, one says "we were here first" the other says "vinahapichu", you think they are both valid statements. You say to them "I have an idea here's 50$ to both of you guys and now it settled".

This goes on another 5 or 6 times, to each a fifty or more, and its getting annoying. You decide to take out a bottle of wine to drown this all out, you just cant take it any more. Another ring is at your door, this time its a drunk group of guys stumbling in you say "guys keep it down", turns out they cant. Singing off key is the game and staying in a straight line is a challenge for them. One guy starts stepping on your already ruined shaloch manot, You scream "Hey off my air-holed shaloch manot!!" the guy jumps off them after jumping on one more. Then there is this one guy who proceeds to vomit on your sofa, you scream "Oh shoots! Clean that right now you drunk bum!!" he just sits in it. Another ring at your door, and then another, and another, and another. "AAAHHHH!!!!" you yell "GET OUT, GET OUT GET OUT, AND YOU STOP SITTING IN YOUR VOMIT!!!!!!!!". You threaten to call the cops, you threaten to use a baseball bat, they aren't afraid, as they overtake your house. You take out your bat and are ready to swing. You hear a knock at the door. You open it ready to swing, you see two cops.

"Hey sir don't swing", the cops say, you drop the bat in utter astonishment. The cops say "sir we have got an anonymous tip from a neighbor of yours" the goy next door you believe, "that its loud and you are giving booze to minors. You say "I ain't loud officers and I ain't giving booze". The cops look at the guy sitting in his throw up, and then at the bottle of wine you used to drown it all out with. Instant panic comes to your mind, Oh shoots I'm going to the slammer, you think.

You are deciding to make a daring move to save yourself. Oops too late, looks like you already decided as you jump on one of the cops to cover his eyes as to not let him see everything wrong in your house. Instant uproar has set in; the cops are trying to get you off, a cherry bomb just exploded, you think it was a gun shot, all the drunkards are hurrying/stumbling out, you are being banged in to every wall as the cops are trying to knock you off. Finally they get you off, Oh shoots you think, now my plan has failed.

The cops say "Sir we have reason to believe you have been selling illegal fireworks to minors too, you are so busted". "YOU SCREAM NOT TRUE NOT TRUE, YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!!!!". The cops manage to get a hold of your struggling body, pretty easily. As they drag you to the police car you scream "YOU'RE ALL DEAD, ALL YOU COLLECTORS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!! AND YOU TWO COPS YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!!!!! YOU HEAR ME!!! YOU HEAR MEEEEE!!!!! as they stuff you into the car.

Now you are in jail, you cant even make your phone call because you weren't cheap, and gave all your money to the tzedakos. You thought to yourself "it wasn't good to be cheap because of your air holed shaloch manot and you should have been cheap because now you cant pay for the phone call, you are so confused. You also tried to get out of this whole mess with pleading "vinahapichu", it didn't work. Your last thoughts before we finish this posts is "Why isn't Madoff getting at least half the bad treatment you are", and to that we will never know.

TIPS FOR PURIM

We all know that Megillah is hard to listen to once you hit like the 5th perek, and you still have to listen to every word that's said, kind of hard. There are those that reread every word they think they missed, but since I am giving out tips today you obviously wont need to do that. The solution: did you know that you can be half asleep and still be yotzei your megillah needs? its true, as long as you can be woken up by someone calling your name, you can rest through the whole megillah reading (except when they bang for haman, gonna be hard to stay dozing through that).

After you are done breaking your fast, you will most probably hit by the swarm of collectors going around in limos. They will ask for every penny you have, most of it to pay for their ride. You will be danced around to every Purim song there is, it gets quite annoying. Solution: Give each group a 5$ and tell them to leave right away, you save your money, dont get annoyed, and its getting the mitzvah of tzedakah. If you do not want to give tzedakah, then you can hang a big cross on your door so no one will come (remember to take off the mezuzah). If you don't feel like hanging a cross on your door, due to the neighbors, then you can tell every group that comes by, "My children are sleeping I don't want you to wake them up" and you dont pay them either.

Then it will come day time, and the shaloch manot will be plenty. You don't want to look out done by your neighbors, who are giving you glass vases filled with all assortments including those mint chocolates no one likes, or have these themes that will cost a fortune, what to do? Solution: If you are a cheap person, you wont care what you give to them, in fact you give it back. If you are a person who just cant afford to make such an extravagant basket, you should know that you are only required to give two things, and no they don't have to be two different brachos, contrary to what everyone thinks ( Shulchan aruch clearly states that you can give two types of meat [both shehakol], it even goes so far as to say that maybe you can give a piece of chicken and the bottom and the top are two different things and you are yotzei, but we hold you aren't yoztei with one piece of chicken). That is all you have to do, almost nothing, or you give only one person, still yotzei.

People like to get drunk on Purim, your child or husband might too. You do not want them to come home drunk, and vomiting. Solution: Not much I can help you with here, only a little less vomiting. So to lessen the vomit: (Edit from Moshe) don't drink on an empty stomach. Drink water, alcohol dehydrates you and you throw up. Drink milk before drinking, it will lessen the effects by reducing your stomach's effectiveness of absorbing alcohol. After you come home, drink chamomile tea, preferably with mint.Unless you're Russian, don't mix! before drinking. Also do not give them the keys to the car when they go out on Purim (this isnt because of vomiting), make them walk. If possible convince them that sleeping allows you to be yotzei getting drunk on Purim, which it doesn't (clearly written in halachah seforim). If you yourself are drinking, then try to drink water right after you take a shot, I hear it helps you not vomit.

Another good tip is, don't drink and drive on Purim. Reasons: On a day where you should drink till you don't know, you shouldn't be driving, you may get lost. #2, With all the traffic out on the roads, it would be better if you were alert. #3 (an obvious) you may spill your drink, and #4, jail isn't fun.

I hope these tips can help you this Purim, if you have any more I will be glad to add them on to my list.

MAKE MONEY FAST SCHEMES

In this tough economy, people need ways to make money. Here are some ways to get back into the middle class fast.

Scheme #1: Design your own kashrus. Who doesn't want another hechsher on their overpriced food? Now you can help people get what they want. Tips include: oval or round shaped insignias with Hebrew words that can fool any American Jew. Hire a mashgiach from another company; he does the same job for the other guys, for you, at the same time. Charge a minimum fee, and make things that aren't kosher, become "kosher".

Scheme #2: A Ponzi scheme. Tips include: don't get caught!

Scheme #3: Join a Kollel ( meant fore the non kollel participant ). Tips include: Wearing a white shirt, hat and jacket, and anything else that seems religious, except Magen David, Hamsa, a cross, or any necklace.

Scheme #4: Start your own Kollel, for yourself, and collect tons of money. Tips include: Fake documents with Rabbi signatures, saying to give to you, and your Kollel.

Scheme #5: A little like #4, but you collect with no reason. Tips Include:Observing and taking notes on all the others who already do this. Since it seems popular among most people, it might not be a great idea.

Scheme #6: Design a useless product aimed at helping the Jewish community. Tips include: adding the word kosher in front of it.

Scheme #7: Tell People if they invest in you, you will become frum. Tips Include: Acting off the "D", and preying on the dumb.

Scheme #8: Create and sell a scheme list. Tips include: Listing the ones I mentioned above.

If you have any other things to add please do so, the list can only get better.

MY DOOR BELL, MY LIFE, LEAVE ME ALONE

Its a Thursday night. You sit back on your couch, hoping to not be disturbed. You feel so relaxed, the week is over, shabbos is coming, and you've done all the shopping needed. Ding-Dong.... knock knock knock. You get up from your position to open the door. Lo and behold its a Meshulach.

You feel like closing the door on him. He immediately gives you a sob story, about how his wife is a widow, and his children are starving, they don't even have a house. You feel bad for the guy. You think "I just went shopping, I don't have a lot of money on me; ill give a dollar". So you stick your hand in your pocket, and pull out a five and a one. You hand the guy the one. He says "can I have the other one too?" You close the door on him. You say to yourself "What chutzpah this guy has, I was trying to be nice and he gets all greedy. It didn't even look like he needed so much money by the way he was dressed" You decide to forget about it.

You get back on your couch and fall into a comfortable position. Once again the door rings. You open the door to find this guy who, unexpectedly, comes into your house. He pulls up a chair by himself, regardless of the fact that its your house. Besides for the fact that he has no manners, he says you are a friend of his. You say to yourself "no he isn't, who is he, and where did he come from, and why is he so rude?" He then says to get him a drink, because hes been on his feet all day. You think, and know, " This guy has probably done this to numerous houses today, you feel disgusted". You say to him " how much money do you want?" He says "Money who needs money? not me....... but there is this one family who cant afford to pay the bills, and the financial crisis hit them hard". You say "here's a dollar, get lost, and don't come back!!!". As you are trying to push the guy out the door, he says "a dollar isn't enough, and where is my water"? You scream back "I don't know you, get out of my house!!!" The Meshulach says "last week you gave me more (which is a lie), where is your rachmonos for yidden?" You finally get the guy out and slam the door. You think to yourself "where do I find these people?"

You sit back down, only to be called back to the door. You open up with a look of depression on your face, and see another collector. He mumbles something in yiddish to you, and says "money", the only clear word you heard from him. You reach back into your pocket and pull out 50 cents. The guy says "tizkeh li'mitzvos", shoves a book in your hand, and leaves. You say "how nice a free book, wait.... I give tzedakah for a mitzvah, not for this". You then run out of your house, look both ways. You spot the Meshulach. You start chasing after him with the sefer in your hand, waving it like a hatchet. He starts running away with his pile of sefarim. You scream "Yoily, come back!! I want you to take this back!! He continues to run away, then his pile falls over. You catch up, stuff the sefer in his hands and say "don't you dare do this to me again"

You are just so mad, you cant relax now. They have ruined you spirit, you vow revenge, shaking your clenched fist. You will never open the door for any meshulach, ever again. Especially on Thursdays, their favorite day to hit houses. You disable you door bell, after being so mad that it didn't serve you like you wanted it to. Next week a guy with a check for a million dollars rings your disabled door bell, you don't answer and miss your chance, but your happy and relaxed, thinking you dodged another meshulach.