WHAT THE MEDRASH DIDNT TELL YOU

You think that you know it all, the whole Purim story, since you've been in kindergarten. You read the little medrash says when you were younger and you read let my nation live, but you really don't know anything. let me tell what really happened.

Lets start from once Esther became queen. Mordechai sat outside the kings palace. This is a shanda said all the rabbonim, how could a tzaddik sit outside the kings palace and not in a beis medrash learning, doesn't he know that outside the koislei beis medrash there is tons of pritzus, especially near the kings palace. Mordechai was banned from the community, but he was re accepted when he didn't bow down to wicked man Haman. The rabbonim of Persia also didn't like that a yiddishe maidel like Esther married a goy, and the shadchan really didn't know what to say about her children once they were ready get married.

Then Mordechai saved the kings life, a major uproar in the Persian Jewish community happened, how could Mordechai save a rasha. Countless bans went up on Persian yeshivah World News, and the comments written in cuneiform blasted Mordechai for such an act. When Haman put out his plan to exterminate the Jews the Kanoim of the generation blamed it on the lack of tznius in the persian empire, not the fact that the people strayed from the path, strict laws of wearing only black in the dessert countries were implemented by many of the Yihudim.

Then came the night the king couldn't fall asleep and Haman unexpectedly showed up to tell the king what should be done to the man the king wishes to honor. Turned out Mordechai, the one the Jews were blasting at the time, was going to pulled around by the wicked man Haman, thanks to Hamans suggestion, on the kings horse none the less, which is like pulling up in the modern day Cadillac Escalade. The Jews of Shushan decided to riot, they weren't going to let a parade of any kind, its a toeivah. As the horse was being drawn around town the Jews lit garbage's on fire and were pouring acid on anything not tznius.
at one point the Jews threw the flaming garbage on Haman, it got confused up with his daughter throwing it in the story through some gematria, don't know how that one goes.

From that point on the stories a blurr, but you can see all the points your little medrash forgot to tell you, so when you read the megillah try and remember that the world then wasn't so different from ours today, or there is no moral to this post and forget that last line.

Another Edition of Mike Tonight

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In frum news, a new wave of people in Israel have been living by segulos for everything they need. They have been reported to "dial a Yeshua" for all their basic needs from the organization called Kupat Ha'ir, and have tried everything else to get help besides pray to g-d for it. As one "Segulaist" said, "Why pray when a rabbi can promise you anything, think of it as a genie with a beard".

Although not everybody is happy with this lack of faith in g-d. Many are disgusted that the more radical Segulaists don't even attend shul anymore. Others are more disgusted that people wont use shadchans anymore and rather rely on a segula to get married instead. One shadchan poured out her heart to us "(sob) its just.... its just that I love manipulating people into going out with each other (choke, sob) why wont they let me continue (sob) lets just ban segulos".

In a even more recent report, the Segulaists have pretty much broken off from mainstream orthodoxy, and even have cult like behaviors. Just this past motzei shabbos they had a gathering in the forest of Jerusalem behind yad v'shem. We had are very own David Spiegler there to report the story. David Spiegler: "Yes Mike, as you can see (no you cant this is bloggeradio) behind me there are havdalah candles lit all over and about 400 people dancing around making Indian noises and showering in the havdalah wine and some even going as far as to wash there clothing in it. To onlookers it seems like a cult ritual that includes immersing in wine, but we spoke to one of the group leaders who organized it and she had this to say".

Group leader Avigayil Sidorov (spoken with a heavy Israeli accent): "We are not a cult of any sort, although it might look like it due to the candles lit and the bathing in havdalah wine, but in actuality we are just performing the well known segula of taking the havdalah wine and putting it on your forehead. Its just that over time people put it on their eyes to purify them and in their pockets so they can get money for the coming week, so we decided to just dip our whole selves in it and we will cover everything, and we wash our clothing in it so we don't miss any pockets or any other segulos".

David Spiegler: Despite their intentions, Mike, it seems like a real cult. Back to you in Midwood I'm David Spiegler.

Me: Thank you David, in other frum news there was an earthquake in Haiti killing 200,000 and leaving many with out homes and others trapped under the rubble.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.
This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

Merry Nittel Nacht

Warning: very stereotypical, well the beginning at least.

Tonight is the night that people don't learn but cut up toilet paper, eat Chinese food and watch all the new movies before the Christians can. Its Nittel Nacht, and to go with it a story.

Once upon a time there was an old Jew with a very Jewish nose, reaching about four inches off his face. He was extremely ungenerous to all the Christians who would ask him for charity upon the coming of Nittel Nacht. When he wouldn't give them they would ask "Where is your Nittel Nacht spirit?" which he would answer "Bah, Hanukkah" in a grumpy old voice.

It twas the night of Nittel, and all were not touching the Talmud or any other source of Judaic learning, including the old Jew, Ben Ezra Gold, when came upon the door was Eliyahu Hanavi. The old Jew asked "Who is it that disrupts me while I chop up toilet paper, better not be those stupid carolers. Bah, Hanukkah". Eliyahu answered "It is I the prophet". Eliyahu came to the old Jew to tell him you will be visited by three malachim (angels) tonight. One would be the Malach of what already happened, the next would be the malach of Achshav (hebrew for now), and the next would be the Malach of what will be. The old Jew said to Eliyahu Hanavi "What have I done to deserve such holy treatment?" to which Eliyahu Hanavi answered "Well if you think its holy treatment then I guess they wouldn't be of help too you either way".

So Eliyahu the prophet left the old Jew Ben Ezra Gold, and called off the three malachim, and there never was a whole long journey where he finds out about himself and changes his ways like all the good Nittel Nacht Carols do. Life moved on and the old Jew ate the Chinese food in peace, and stayed grumpy to all the gentile children, and he knew how to keep Nittel Nacht well if any man alive possessed the knowledge to do so for all the years to come.

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

OLD TIME RABBIS ON MODERN ORTHODOXY

I met an old Rabbi recently, a nice guy who taught in a yeshiva somewhere (I don't remember where) very friendly. We talked for a little after Maariv. He seemed to have a world of wisdom in the form of stories for just about every topic, as only an old timer could.

Somewhere along the conversation we hit the topic of orthodoxy/yeshivas. He told me that there is a difference between a good boy in a "yeshivishe" yeshiva and one in a modern orthodox one. He went onto explain that in a yeshivishe yeshiva a good boy is one that learns at any given moment he has and has respect for his elders. I was wondering exactly what he was going to say for a good modern orthodox boy, but I had no idea he was going to say what he said. He said that in a modern orthodox yeshiva a good boy is (take a sip of a drink near you and hold) one who doesn't watch TV on shabbos (now spit the drink out real quickly) .

I was taken aback for a minute, like I said last paragraph I wasnt ready for this kind of answer. I didnt know what to say, do I tell him youre wrong? do I bring honestly frum over? he obviously has the wrong perception about modern orthodox. Modern Orthodoxy is far from watching TV on shabbos, I dont know where he could have came to think this. I figured he just doesnt know what modern orthodox is, he probably meant reform (which wouldnt fit into a good reform kid not watching TV on shabbos because the "good" think its okay to a lot of things, but either way).

I am just posing a question out there, do you think all old rabbis think this way or its just a mistake or a fluke in this one rabbi? Comment what you think or we will never know.

IM STILL WAITING

Its been over a year now since Obama was elected, and all is fine, well almost. The world is still running, there is no universal wars, I can still live a normal life with the liberty to practice my religion. Who could have thought that we could go a whole year since he was elected without having one of these things, oh wait I thought so, but there were those who didnt.

Flashback to a year ago. Remember people were holding tehillim rallies so he wont be elected, others were fasting hoping hashem will rip up the bad decree. I remember people telling me a lot of things, many weird things, they are going to leave the country and move to monsey, or kiryas yoel was just one of them. Others predicted 2012 to happen early with proofs from prophecies of the neviim, Zohar, Chumash, Gemorrah, or any other sort of Jewish work, and it was quite funny to see how they would try to prove it. They would tell me "If you take this letter from here and add it to this one here multiplied by that it equals Obama". At first I would be perplexed as to why they chose such a random order to prove something when I could do that with anything, they should have used a system that at least had a pattern. Then I would ask "Okay you proved it says Obama somehow, now how does that prove he is the cause of the end of the world?" a smart person wouldn't answer, dumb ones said things along the lines of "Hitler had that whole youth program and Obama is working on one" (oh so that's why Obama wanted to speak to kids in school (sarcasm sarcasm)).

And yet it has been a year, Obama is president and Mashiach isn't here, nor are people running to different countries like they promised, and I'm still waiting for the testimonies of some to come true, who wants to wait with me.

Studies on YWN and VIN commenters

VIN and YWN have been the source of ridicule amongst the Jewish websites. It seems that if anyone is poking fun of any site its usually one of these two. It has come into question as to why people cant help but laugh at whats written in their comment sections, and post them up on blogs and Facebook profiles.

A recent study done by the National Committee for Spotting Stupidity (NCSS) came to prove the theory that the commentators on YWN and VIN are completely blind sighted when it comes to reading the news. Their lack of respect for fellow commentators has been shocking, at any given point in a day there is hate, and coffee, being spilled in their coffee rooms. Many have come to call other commentators such terms as, Shygetz, Anti-semite, Goy, Nazi, Mashiach stopper, and Shygetze mashiach stopping goy, and many more such terms. But the hate is not the only thing bringing people from all walks of Judaism to laugh at these sites, The NCSS has taken a poll that has shown that the average VIN commenter has a stupidity rating of 67% that is light years above the stupidity of the national commenting average which stands at 38%. But what is even more shocking about the NCSS's study is that the average YWN commenter is 12 points ahead in stupidity compared to a VIN commenter, YWN stands at a whopping 79% in stupidity, an earth shattering point.

After hearing these latest announcements from the NCSS a YWN commenter had this to say "What can we do? we Frum Jews are removed from society, its the non frum Jews who should have better morals" and when asked what happened to being a light onto nations he responded with "Its all because we done have a strict enough tznius level, if only we were to wear cardboard boxes we would be passed this nisayon, hashem yirachem. I better give two dollars to kupat ha'ir so this halachah can be passed and our yeshua can come".

With the mystery out of the way we can only look to the future to tell us if they will be stupid and keep to what they are doing, or they will find a more civilized and less foolish way to comment, being that they have such high stupidity rate their chances look bleak.

THIS IS DIFFERENT

This ad is ludicrous, its advertising a pretend tatty kit with talis and tefillin. Who...... what..... why....... how come..... I'm at a loss of words here. Ill just explain what they're trying to do and you can comment (hint hint) on how you feel about this. Basically its selling you 40 bucks worth of fake talis and tefillin so your child can play pretend tatty, includes embroidered talis and tefillin bag and tefillin boxes. I think its a nice way to scam people of their money because Ive never seen any boy playing house, girls yes boys no, so why would they want to play pretend tatty, does it include pretend tatty hat and jacket? I surely don't like this idea but tell me otherwise if you think so.

THE RIOTS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND DONT PROMOTE IT

Once again the chareidim in Israel protested the use of the parking lot on shabbos, and once again the police came and shot them with rubber bullets, this has been the scene in me'ah shea'arim for the past few months.

There are many bloggers out there condemning this act of violence and rightfully so, its a chilul hashem to burn garbage's and throw rocks at the people using the parking lot, just because you want them to keep shabbos in your city. Yes, people don't find anything sanctifying about burning things and throwing rocks at others, it's a disgrace to g-d's name. Not only is it a disgrace to the shabbos, but in this effort to keep shabbos and chase away the evildoers, they are breaking shabbos, by A) burning and B) throwing rocks in a reshus harabim, since they are melachos which the torah prohibits on shabbos.

In India when they were protesting against the British government they didn't riot, for the most part they did things peacefully, and that's what Mohandas Gandhi preached (one time the Indians did do some violence and he spoke out against that act) . Why aren't any of the Rabbonim doing anything to stop this violence, all I hear are rabbis promoting it, like what I heard recently.

I was in a shul before ma'ariv and a rabbi got up to speak to us for a minute or two. The rabbi said that anyone who thinks what they are doing in Israel is a chilul hashem is wrong and that the protests are the right thing to do. He said that there was one reporter who was filming the violence, the chareidim couldn't hit her because she was a woman, so instead they all spit on her, he justified the act by saying that the camera was like a gun and everyone will do something to save themselves from a gun. There were just too many things wrong with what he said, and his parable was off by a lot. I wanted to go over to the rabbi after davening and ask "How come you don't see Rav Elyashiv at the protests, or why is that they don't call down the chief rabbi of Jerusalem for an inspiring speech before they riot, maybe you don't because its not the right thing to do!", but I didn't want to provoke any rioting in the shul so I kept my mouth shut.

The protests must come to an end, find a better, more peaceful and holy way to get them to stop using the parking lots, violence is not the answer, and Rabbis should stop promoting it.

NO ONE CUTS AND NO ONE TAKES

Have you ever been to a wedding/bar\bat mitzvah/vort/shalom zachor/bris/or anything else you can think of that invites a lot of people to say mazel tov? If yes than you can honestly say that nobody likes cutting into the cakes. It can be the most delicious cake ever and nobody will touch it, then it all goes to waste because nobody wanted it, as my mother used to say, "They worked so hard to get it to where it is, the coco beans from Venezuela and this from here and yadda yadda yadda.... and you still wont eat it!". And the reason for nobody eating it is pretty simple, they don't want to make the first cut, and I don't understand why. Its not because its a beautiful cake, its just because nobody wants to be the first one to cut a slice for themselves. Why dont they make a preset cut, like they do to cheese, that way everyone wont feel guilty when they take a piece.

Also; if you have been to a either a wedding/bar\bat mitzvah/vort/shalom zachor/bris/ or anything else you can think of that invites a lot of people to say mazel tov, then what you will notice is that there are always the assortments of mint chocolate that no one really like to touch. Some of them are; the jelly ring covered in mint chocolate, the mint chocolate with a disgusting filling, next to that is, the mint chocolate (sort of like a chocolate chip) with the sprinkles on it; no one likes these at all, don't know why everyone buys them either.

Despite this people buy the cakes and assortments of mint chocolate, hoping that someone will finish it off, I dont understand why you would want to ruin your simchah with the fact that you have to throw good food out.

THE BRESLOV WAY

Just the other day I was "attacked" by a Breslover "demanding" money from me. I gave the guy a dollar so he would go away, and he ended up giving me a Breslov pamphlet. Now in the past I would have thrown it right back, but the name of the book caught my eye, especially in these economic times.

The name of the book was called Easy Money. I almost jumped for joy, but I remembered I had some dignity, or I just didn't want to look like a fool. I gazed at the book and thought for a moment, "With this I wont ever have to work really hard, all I probably have to do is; say a few perakim of tehillim, hop on the next flight to uman and visit rav nachmans grave site, and then forty days later I'll be rich". I wondered if it was possible, and if it would be true I could change every ones lives.

So I decided to open it up and read its glory. I turned to any random page and started reading the first paragraph. The words read "Poverty is a state of mind". As I read those words my whole dream shattered, like a hard hit baseball punching its way through a stained glass window. I realized that the book was a scam to get the dollar out of me, and that I wont become rich saying a few pices of tehillim, But I also realized I can just sue Breslov for false advertising and then Ill accomplish the books title "Easy Money" anyway.

CHAIM SNYDER

Ever since the creation of Harry Potter, the Jewish world has gone into a frenzy. This has happened for many reasons; some say that the book is inappropriate for Jewish minds, others say its because a non Jew wrote it, and some rabbis say that people might come to say accio TV remote, which would then be practicing kishuf (black magic), but the majority of rabbis agree that its because if you read the book you will then want to see the movie, and movies are assur. But what ever the reason is all, rabbis are against it and there seems like there is nothing they can do to stop the potter frenzy. That is until they decided to come out with their own book, or shall I say sefer, called Chaim Snyder.


The new series is about a boy by the name of Chaim Snyder, who was kidnapped by a bunch of christian priests and brought up christian (the priests killed his parents). When he becomes 13 years old he gets a visit from a rabbi, who was sent to find him before his bar mitzvah and tell him he was Jewish. Chaim then embraces Judaism and is sent to a top yeshivah in Israel where he is supposed to learn. Over there in Israel he makes new friends who are very into kabalah. He becomes very "good" (what ever that means) at kabalah and can perform unnatural things, or nisim. Just as he is having a great time in Israel, there rises a new pope who has the power of kishuf, the pope is also making a visit to Israel very soon. Chaim and his friends decide to stop this pope. On their way they have to fight through phony fortune tellers, and Israeli taxi drivers to stop the pope..... sorry I cant give the whole story away, but the new pope was the one who killed Chaims parents in the beginning.


This is the new sefer the rabbis hope is going to combat the awful harry potter series, also the rabbis wont allow it to be made into a movie. In my opinion the new book is only going to be a hit for those who didn't read harry potter, because it was assur.

I CANT TAKE SEVEN ELEVEN 7-11

I was one of those people that rushed after motzei shabbos to the nearest 7-11 to get my hard earned free Slurpee. The first place I went to I was looking around for the seven point 11 ounce cups, but they were nowhere to be found. I decided to go to the front counter and then I remembered I was Jewish. I was thinking how would it look if a Jewish person walks up and says "Hey you got any free Slurpee's?", but then I did it so I didn't have to think about what would happen if I did. The cashier register/ guy at the counter said "nuh..... uh uh" as he tried forcing the half words out of his mouth. I took the impression he was lying, but I didn't want to argue with him for two reasons, 1 because he just said nu..... uh uh which means no and two because what if he really wasn't lying and I argued how cheap would I look, so I left.

I headed to another one close by, which did have free ones, and you had to get them at the counter. I felt weird asking again, because well I'm Jewish and I don't like being categorized as cheap, in fact I go so far not to be called cheap that when ever they give me back change I always tell them to keep the pennies or I put most of the change in the tip box. I asked anyway, and the guy said "who told you that?" and then he laughed and handed me one (he didn't laugh because hes a racist, it wasn't offensive).

Now if there's anything that can ruin getting free Slurpee's its this. I hate having to go up there and ask, why cant they just put it out like all the other cups and everyone will take it and not feel cheap, or have a massive sign outside that says "FREE SLURPEE DAY, GET YOUR 7.11 OUNCE CUPS HERE!!!" that way I don't feel cheap. I have had many occasions in 7-11 where I ran into the cheap Jew stereotype, written about here and here, and that is why I officially hate 7-11 employees and their management. Any questions?

EXPERIENCING JERUSALEM PART 1

You have finally made it to the Holy land, years of saving enough money have lead you here. You got off the plane and are looking for a sheirut (an israeli style taxi, not to be confused with sheirutim which means bathroom, you stupid American [did that joke come on too harsh?]) heading to Jerusalem. You aren't carrying as much luggage as you started with from America, due to a fight with another guy over who the suitcase belongs to, and you lost.

You tell the driver of the sheirut he must drive as quickly as possible, because you have no time to lose in your busy life. You then retract your statement because you notice, you don't want to lose your busy life. You are now shivering in your pants because the taxi driver was an authentic Israeli, and says he "knows" how to drive fast...... in bumper to bumper traffic. You finally make it out of the roller coaster, and truly believe the well known joke between a rabbi and taxi driver in heaven, whose punchline is: all Israeli taxi drivers go to heaven, because they make people pray to g-d.

You find hotel a to stop at and to unpack. You decide that since there is enough time in the day you will go to the Kotel and daven mincha. You take a #2 bus up to the WW (western wall) and you immediately rip your shirt upon seeing the holy site, you get looks from everyone around you, then you remember its not your minhag to rip your clothing when you see it; also, you ripped off all your buttons so your shirt doesn't close, exposing you tzitzis (Huh!), you feel stupid now. You pray your mincha, and are now heading back to the hotel while holding your shirt together with one clenched fist. Someone sticks out their hand, filled with some new Israeli shekalim, you look at your tattered shirt and then say to him "ani lo oni" (I am not poor) in your heavy American accent. The guy laughs at you and really wants you to take it from him, you walk on.

You get back on the #2 bus heading to the hotel. As you are about to sit down you are given a look from some guy in a black hat.... then a few people turn around. You wonder whats going on, while people begin to point at you, "Is it because I come from a country of cheesburgers and Im not fat?" you ponder, "or is it the ripped shirt?" as you begin to feel the affects of jet lag on yourself. You doze off and your shirt opens up once again, exposing your holy tzitzis. A Haredi Jew is heading towards you, loud whispers can be heard throughout the bus. Then he hits you squarely on the cheek, waking you up. As you are in a state of shock, he throws you from your seat. He screams at you in hebrew, "Why were you sleeping with your shirt opened, what chutzpah you have", then he says, "and you were sitting next to a women". You get up quickly, so as to not provoke any riots for these riot hungry people, and tell the guy who hit you "slichah" as any good American would do.

You decide on not continuing the ride, for fear that your kippah srugah wont protect you too much longer here. You look to your right and see white buildings built in stone, you look to your left and see the same thing, then you look up a street and then down one and its the same thing everywhere, all white buildings made out of stone, it occurs to you that YOUR LOST! You go trekking all over Jerusalem (little did you know you were doing some peoples favorite hobby, getting a good look at Jerusalem), and have no clue where you are or where to go , the idea that you could have just followed the bus #2 route and found your way flew right over you kippah srugah. You begin to use your half broken Hebrew and hand gestures to find your way, but to no avail.

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Hey fellow bloggers or blogneighbors, this is an ongoing story I hope to write and finish. This is only part one part, two will come in due time.

TREKKING UP TO THE MOUNTAINS

Almost everybody on the block rented a u-haul, stuffed it up, and then traveled to the mountains this week. It was a site to see, parents calling out kids names to see if they left anything behind, trying to figure out how to squish in another suitcase and sheitel, O' it was a blast. Don't think that was the only reason I liked this week. In addition to watching them pack up I also saw them pack out of Brooklyn, which means MORE PARKING!!! spaces! LESS CROWDED SUPERMARKETS!!!

Why am I celebrating so hard? well have you ever tried looking for parking for 45 minutes? or was pissed off that someone took up two spots instead of one? or have someone blocking your driveway for a "minute"? Do you like the double parking on Coney Island ave.? my answer is no, and that is why I am so happy.

Have you ever walked into Moishe's discount supermarket with a pushcart, and tried to maneuver yourself out of one jam only to move into another, its just too crowded there (that's why I like Pomegranate better, but I don't go there often, its expensive). And forget about Thursday nights, its complete havoc in there. What I hate most are the spaced out bluetooth wearers, they just yap away about whatever and it can take a while before they realize they are in your way. Ooh and some are so stuck up, looking to see which is a better tomato sauce, pick one already and stop blocking the aisle.

But that is all over, those extra crowded supermarkets are gonna be upstate where I ain't, and parking will be a breeze, thank g-d for this wonderful idea of a summer retreat.

A NEW BREED ARISES (evolution?)

The creature named Shul Shusher (or in Latin Synagogue Shushisis) is a staple in every shul, from big ones in Manhattan to the small basement shtiebel in Monsey. The shusher doesn't always accomplish their self imposed job, hence they keep on shushing. The life of a shusher is not a fun one, everyone hates you till you let them talk, even the kids hate you (just let them run in the halls will you), plus you seem to spit to often. But in some shuls there is a new type of shusher arising.

This new type of shusher, a more rowdy type, one that is more inclined throw a punch or two just to get you to shut up, is what we are dealing with. They are called the SHHHH I'm Trying To Talk To Someone Shusher, or SITTTTSS for short (the Latin name hasn't come in yet). These creatures love talking so much they make others quiet down so they can hear who they are talking to, just goes to show what kind of shuls they live in.

I myself have abandoned a few shuls due to the infestation, animal control isnt helping and Peta wont let me call the exterminator. But there is hope, they are searching for a species that will counteract the new breed and contain it.

Most experts believe the evolution of this once simple shushing creature is due to a mass of talkers concentrated in one area of a shul, thus drowning out any other noise and sometimes their own. This then irritates the talkers causing them to become more violent and turning them into SITTTTSS's. Others argue and claim they are of a totally different breed. A more recent study done by the "professors" at VIN teamed up with "scientists" from YWN , have attributed this new breed to the lack of tznius in the communities. Although there is no evidence to support their claims, VIN and YWN hold to it strongly.

Whatever the cause maybe, I really don't like being threatened by shushers and rather have them just say SHHHHH and spit on themselves while doing it.

GOOSEBUMPS: MY BAR MITZVAH IN PRISON

Yes, we all remember the hit book series I never read, Goosebumps. Goosebumps was a supposed to be a very scary book, but it basically was freaky stories about weird washing machine monsters and changing bodies with a killer santa (okay I read 2). Why do I bring this old book into topic? because it must be a nightmare for the kid whose Bar mitzvah was in a prison, just like the book would write it out. Imagine what the kid is going to remember, a Bar mitzvah in jail with a bunch of convicts waiting next door, all because his father was arrested (who knows why he was arrested), and then your bar mitzvah is published about in the New York times, oh! and Yakkov shwekey famous Jewish singer sang for you (not the bad part). That's a horrible Bar mitzvah ain't it? unless you wanted it to be memorable.

Now there are hilachic issues that come with making a bar mitzvah in jail, and they don't only pertain to chilul hashem. One is the halachah of bringing a Sefer Torah to people in jail, you aren't allowed to even for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, the reason being that its a disgrace for the Torah to come to you and you not go to it. This can be applied to a Bar mitzvah, the Bar mitzvah shouldn't be brought to someone in jail along with 60 other people, its not respectful. And if that ain't enough, than at the bar mitzvah the one who is being honored (bar mitzvah boy) usually says a D'var Torah which should not be brought to the jail for one person but; rather, the one person should be brought to it. And if for some reason you don't agree with this past paragraph, that I put so much effort into writing (shame on you), then you can always resort to chilul hashem, and it will still be deemed halachicly wrong. This seems like a good question for the rabbi who allowed this, why did you allow it?

Theres your lesson people, don't make a bar mitzvah in jail or you will bashed for every reason possible. People will be calling it despicable, and posts will line every blog about why you aren't you ashamed. And what a nightmare it will be for your son, like straight out of a goosebumps book.

ON PATROL

Today me and my friend took a stroll through boro(ugh) park. We were schmoozing it up, having tons of fun, laughing at chassidish women with 10 children following behind them and over stuffed strollers. Watching chassidim hitch rides across boro(ugh) park. Guessing how many hatzoloh and shomrim members we can identify. Then we looked for a new game, one that was fun an easy to play. We made up a new game called "name the chossid". Basically, whenever you see a chassid, you have to correctly call them "Tuna beigel" or "Yoeli", then you can argue whether they fit the category of tuna beigel or yoeli. Its very easy to identify a TB, if they have a cigarette, or they aren't wearing any black clothing, or they have a ring of useless keys with 400 keys or so, or they came out of a Cadillac Escalade or Chevy Tahoe or even a Lexus. Some where in between both categories and hard to tell what side they leaned towards.

I had a lot of fun and would do it again, it beats any day watching baseball.

A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

DID YOU FINISH YOUR DIET

Pesach was a long time ago, giving you enough time to diet. Back when I was in kindergarten they made us make charts, with 49 day on it and every 7 days was a different color, I can only think that it was a healthy chart, or a diet one, where every color reprsented a fruit. The end of the chart was on top of a mountain, of which i can only think represented success, and there was a figure that had two sides and a round top on it, that must have been the award for losing the weight.

Recently it has become a new phenomenon, everybody is counting these 49 days, every day losing another pound. There are a few people I know who got out and didn't count anymore, obviously they couldn't take the 49 day diet. I can see why people would go on a diet; its after pesach where you ate tons of matzoh, you have some healthy foods at the seder (maror, karpas), but the rest is loaded with calories , so you go on a diet for 49 days. That's besides the fact its right before the summer.

After you finish the diet you can relax and enjoy yourself, with some mouth watering cheesecake, that with every bite you take into it you can feel your blood clotting and your stomach widen, and you can put cherries or any other type of sugary filling on it so you don't feel guilty eating it. Enjoy your Shavous.