HOPEFULLY NOT YOU ON CHANUKAH

You rush home to light the holy menorah. As you are passing a house, you see a Kenorah being lit. You laugh at the cheap imitation of your holiday. You wonder if they believe in Kenya Kwanzaa (He lives on mount Kilimanjaro), like you believe in Chanukah Chaim (or is it Elijah the Prophet, various different opinions in the Talmud). You come home to a house decorated, with only the most Hanukkah spirited items, such as (only paper ornaments made by kids in kindergarten); dreidels, a bubby making latkes, menorah's, and snow flakes shaped like Magen Davids.

You come to the front window, to light the Holy Menorah. You didn't prepare the Menorahs, nor did your wife. I guess she trusted the kids to not make a mess with all the oil. You say to yourself, " Its okay if they don't know how to pour, and they made a mess everywhere. In fact the oil is good for their hands, it acts as a moisturizer". You start off the first Bracha, having in mind every segula, with the most kavanah possible. The same goes with your second Bracha. You hand out the candle for everyone else to light, even your daughters light (actually this is a question if they should light, some even hold they cant).

You finish Maos Tzor, and you notice that across the street is a christian home. They have all those lights and trees, you shed a tear, crying to G-d, "why did I have to see this" (if you didn't get it by now, you are extremely frum, (why am I telling you this?, you should know y0u are frum)). Your wife tells you that, something looks like a fire hazard. You quickly object with "Hashem would never let such a great mitzvah, come back to haunt us". Your wife, being just as frum as you, agrees to this.

As you were discussing this matter, your daughters hair caught on fire, while examining her menorah. This happened through a candle (children have candles, you have the oil) falling out of its holder, because of bad positioning on your children's part (they set it up). Not only that, but the fact that your children spilled oil everywhere, the fire caught on. Your daughter screams her hair is on fire, You do not believe such nonsense, for how could G-d do this to you. Most of her hair burns off. The house is now in flames. The smoke detector starts to beep. After much thought, you decide its time to call Hatzaloh. You run outside, as your house looks like it could burn for the next 8 days. You ask your daughter, who gave her such a nasty haircut, and has she been smoking?

So all your great decorations go to waste. You begin to lament, how could G-d do this to you? what will become of your decorations? Suddenly you feel that famous inspiration coming, yes it has struck once again. You jump and say " It was my Goyish neighbor, who started the fire. He must have been jealous of my great decorations and festival of lights". The cops come over to you, for a report on what happened. You tell them, you are sure its the Goy across the street, with all those lights, who started it. You begin to sing Gam Zu Letova; you just remembered the insurance will kick in, and pay for everything. "G-d works in such mysterious ways" you say. You thank G-d and make a Shehechiyanu, one that you didn't make because it wasn't the 1st night.

GO GREEN WITH CHANUKAH

We all know the Neis of Chanukah. That one little pitcher of oil, that could only last one day, lasted 8. The weak triumphed over the great. As a result of all this, we light the Menorah 8 days, adding one each day. (as if you needed to know all this, its just an introduction).

Global warming is upon us, and we are letting out more CO2 emissions than ever. Its time to Go Green With Chanukah. The whole miracle of Chanukah was about conserving energy. G-d was going green, making one little jar of oil last eight days. Even though there are many ways of proving how it lasted eight days, the point is it was conserved.

This Chanukah, tell your children about ways to conserve energy, in the memory of this great miracle. Instead of lighting 36 cups of oil or candles; get an electric menorah, and turn it on with florescent light bulbs. Like all the Jew friendly banks do. If you do not own an electric menorah, please only use one candle all eight nights. It may not be a big difference for just one person, but if everyone does it, imagine how much CO2 won't be polluting our air. Remember, would G-d light all eight nights, with all that oil. He seemed to have used only enough for one night.

We know, we Jews use an extreme amount of oil, especially in our food. Do us a favor, don't have bubby use all that oil for a latke. We are only supporting the middle eastern countries, through using their oil; and we know how much the Jews love to give a helping hand to Iran, and Saudia Arabia. Yes we know you use olive oil, but its all oil.

Don't commit any of those environmental sins. As a great Rabbi of the Reform temple, named Sally Hershberg, said " The 11Th commandment from G-d was, keep the planet clean". So this time, find an "alternative way" to celebrate Chanukah.

Instead of singing Mah Os Tzor, sing a song that will instill, into the minds of the children, to save the environment. A song like this will do, to the tune of "oh Chanukah"

Oh Chanukah Oh Chanukah come turn on (light switch) that menorah.
With no CO2 emissions, now that's keeping the Torah. (11Th commandment)
Gather round the table Ill tell you a story
Where we all listen to Ex vice president Al Gory

And while the candles are not on very bright (its an electric menorah and on dim)
One on each night to conserve all the light (keeping Halacha here)
to remind us of the days long ago (the miracle of 1 for eight days)

One on each night with a florescent light (more energy efficient ways)
to remind us of the days long agoooo.

To all, have a happy and Green Chanukah.