a proposed theory to the fish story.

You were the happiest child around; your face was gleaming with pride. You were the luckiest something and 3 quarters year old there ever was. You just won your first ever goldfish at the local carnival in some dudes backyard. You drank that cup of punch faster than anyone else, making you the winner of the goldfish. It could have been a stupid prize, but you didn't care because it was your stupid prize pet with a 3 second memory.

You came home found the nearest bowl dumped Duggy (the name you gave it) in it and watched it float around for a while. You took breadcrumbs and fed it to Duggy, he was your best friend. You would run home to him after school everyday and then tell him about your problems. The only problem was that he gave you a blank stare back with almost no reaction.

One day you came to find that Duggy was pacing his bowl back and forth as if he was debating something. You ask "whatsa matter Duggy?". And then the unexpected happens, Duggy says back "Don't you get it, this whole world is only worth wherever I can travel and that isn't too far!". You look at the Goldfish and say "You can talk?" to which Duggy replies "Of course I could but I don't do it often because its hard to talk when you underwater", you nod your head in acknowledgement remembering the time you stuck your head underwater and tried to talk. You ask "But I didn't know fish could talk? wouldn't somebody have found out by now that fish could talk?", to which Duggy replies, "People have tried to tell others we talk but nobody believes them, who would, I wouldn't even believe it" you make a confused expression to duggy's statement. Just then your fish floats to the top and turns over. You promise yourself that one day people will know that fish talk, and that its just hard for them to do so, your story is going to be believed.

Sometime within that year the talking fish story came out and made headlines on every Jewish websites... soon after it even got its on tehillim group to pray that duggy's neshama gets an aliyah.

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

GET OUT YOUR DOLLARS BECAUSE THIS WORKS

It was a just few weeks ago, you were coming out of a bakery with a pound of sugar and a danish, you stepped into your car only to find a cop writing you a ticket for parking by a meter without any minutes left. The cop was about to put it on your windshield, you began to worry, you desperately needed to somehow stop this treachery from happening, you quickly think, "if the ticket doesn't make it to the windshield it really isn't finalized and you don't have to pay for it". You decide to take action, you jump out of you car quickly and try to snatch the ticket from the cops hand, but nothing is the cops hand. You look under your wiper and the ticket is already there "dam" you think as an annoyed and shocked expression hits your face.

You walk over to the cop, who has already moved onto other cars, with the ticket gripped firmly in hand. You begin to protest, you cry that this ticket is not fair, you were just about to pull out, its chutzpah and then you reclaim its not fair. The cop begins to ask you to come down and tells you that you were wrong and they aren't going to take back the ticket. You begin to shout and stomp your feet like a little four year, you would have threatened that your tatty is a policeman and can shoot him but that would be kind of stupid saying it to a cop. You decide to kick the cop, big mistake because you are now on the ground with handcuffs behind your back. You continue ranting while the cop calls for backup.

Backup finally comes, they search you for weapons and all sorts of weird things. They then decide to check your car after you stupidly gave them the idea to. As they are looking through they find your danish, which they enjoy, and your pound of sugar which alarms them, they believe its drugs although it says pound of sugar, and off you are to the holding cell.

You have every right to remain silent and they actually tell you to shut up quite a few times but you know better. They told you all the things they are pressing charges for; assault of an officer, not paying a ticket, and for acquiring drugs. It dawns upon you that you aren't getting out of this with your smart mouth. You overheard them saying that they are going to test the pound of sugar to check if its drugs. You quickly decide that the only way to save yourself is to donate money to Kupat Ha'ir b'zechus Rab meir ba'a'l hannes in hopes that your sugar is sugar as opposed to drugs, and then you can write your story in and have them publish it in there next edition.

Soon after a cop comes over to you and says, "Were sorry that we thought your sugar was drugs, it most definitely is sugar, and we should have read the label". You begin to rejoice and sing, despite the fact that you are most definitely going to jail either way (you assaulted an officer) , because giving to kupat ha'ir really did help you and "all" your troubles.

And this is why you should get out your dollars because, you see, kupat ha'ir really does work no matter how many stories of it not working they don't publish. Come on people wave those dollars.

KLAP TILL YOU DROP

Slichos was one O'clock in the morning at you're local shul. You never liked slichos, "Why so late? why so early? why so hard to follow?" was what you were thinking. Well whether you liked it or not you made your way to the shul for the slichos.

You start out with ashrei, something you knew, and continue with many unfamiliar paragraphs of hebrew. The little slichos you were using could have easily been a breslov pamphlet, you really couldn't tell the difference, and you would have been day dreaming if it wasn't night. You were very tired and it seemed as if you would conk out, all of a (the) sudden you hit the ashamnu part (the part were you klap your chest). Right then and there you hit yourself, and you get that stroke of genius that has been plaguing you ever since I started writing you posts (you posts are posts where I put you as the main character, like this post).

You realize that the slichos are special, that they shouldn't be taken lightly; you take that literally and proceed to klap you chest as unlightly as possible. The massive whacks that your chest endured was incomprehensible, it was a sight to see, it was amazing you didn't break a rib. But you did feel a pain on your chest, it was a black and blue mark, and every time you hit it it got worse, but you didn't care you knew what that hashem could punish you worse if you didn't try to do teshuvah.

As your are whacking yourself into the book of life, you realize no one else has this much enthusiasm. You wonder "Maybe they have bigger black and blue marks? or maybe they don't have to hit as hard to get one?". You turn towards the person next to you and ask "Do you have a black and blue mark from klapping your chest?" the man says, "Actually, I don't want one". You couldn't believe what you just heard, "He doesn't want a black and blue mark? what does he think? his fist is something to be feared even more so than hashem". This irked you, so you decided that if he wont do it himself you'll have to do it for him.

You go over to him and forcefully klap his chest, he looks at you and then shoves you away, you scream back "Do you wanna live this year or not?!", he turns away from you. This doesn't deter you, you run over to him and take his hand and try to klap him while yelling at him, "I'm trying to help you, let me help!" while fighting with you he says, "you're a nut, get off, I don't need a black and blue mark so just leave me alone" you ask for him to prove you don't, he retaliates with walking away.

You decide that you are going to, from now on, uphold your newly found minhag, and soon make it a halacha so then you can kill someone if they don't listen because its okay to kill over a halachic debate.

You come home from slichos more religious then ever, you even tell yourself, "Everyone knows a holy war is the way to go, even the most extreme religious Muslims agree with you and Islam stems from Judaism, it must be the right Jewish thing". So this rosh hashanah if they don't make it into the book of life your way, you'll be sure they wont make it in any other way.

EXPERIENCING JERUSALEM PART 1

You have finally made it to the Holy land, years of saving enough money have lead you here. You got off the plane and are looking for a sheirut (an israeli style taxi, not to be confused with sheirutim which means bathroom, you stupid American [did that joke come on too harsh?]) heading to Jerusalem. You aren't carrying as much luggage as you started with from America, due to a fight with another guy over who the suitcase belongs to, and you lost.

You tell the driver of the sheirut he must drive as quickly as possible, because you have no time to lose in your busy life. You then retract your statement because you notice, you don't want to lose your busy life. You are now shivering in your pants because the taxi driver was an authentic Israeli, and says he "knows" how to drive fast...... in bumper to bumper traffic. You finally make it out of the roller coaster, and truly believe the well known joke between a rabbi and taxi driver in heaven, whose punchline is: all Israeli taxi drivers go to heaven, because they make people pray to g-d.

You find hotel a to stop at and to unpack. You decide that since there is enough time in the day you will go to the Kotel and daven mincha. You take a #2 bus up to the WW (western wall) and you immediately rip your shirt upon seeing the holy site, you get looks from everyone around you, then you remember its not your minhag to rip your clothing when you see it; also, you ripped off all your buttons so your shirt doesn't close, exposing you tzitzis (Huh!), you feel stupid now. You pray your mincha, and are now heading back to the hotel while holding your shirt together with one clenched fist. Someone sticks out their hand, filled with some new Israeli shekalim, you look at your tattered shirt and then say to him "ani lo oni" (I am not poor) in your heavy American accent. The guy laughs at you and really wants you to take it from him, you walk on.

You get back on the #2 bus heading to the hotel. As you are about to sit down you are given a look from some guy in a black hat.... then a few people turn around. You wonder whats going on, while people begin to point at you, "Is it because I come from a country of cheesburgers and Im not fat?" you ponder, "or is it the ripped shirt?" as you begin to feel the affects of jet lag on yourself. You doze off and your shirt opens up once again, exposing your holy tzitzis. A Haredi Jew is heading towards you, loud whispers can be heard throughout the bus. Then he hits you squarely on the cheek, waking you up. As you are in a state of shock, he throws you from your seat. He screams at you in hebrew, "Why were you sleeping with your shirt opened, what chutzpah you have", then he says, "and you were sitting next to a women". You get up quickly, so as to not provoke any riots for these riot hungry people, and tell the guy who hit you "slichah" as any good American would do.

You decide on not continuing the ride, for fear that your kippah srugah wont protect you too much longer here. You look to your right and see white buildings built in stone, you look to your left and see the same thing, then you look up a street and then down one and its the same thing everywhere, all white buildings made out of stone, it occurs to you that YOUR LOST! You go trekking all over Jerusalem (little did you know you were doing some peoples favorite hobby, getting a good look at Jerusalem), and have no clue where you are or where to go , the idea that you could have just followed the bus #2 route and found your way flew right over you kippah srugah. You begin to use your half broken Hebrew and hand gestures to find your way, but to no avail.

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Hey fellow bloggers or blogneighbors, this is an ongoing story I hope to write and finish. This is only part one part, two will come in due time.

YOUR COUNTING ON IT

It was the second night of Pesach when you decided to embark on this mission. You thought to yourself, "This year is going to be the one, I'm going to make it all the way, I am going to count sefirah all 49 days". So the first night you are as pumped as people are for megillah leining. You make that brachah loud and clear so that everyone, within a 3 mile radius, should hear. You felt so great that you counted with such a geshmak that night, you wished you can count every night.

From then on you made sure to keep with every halachah and minhug that their was. You made sure that if someone asked what day it was, you can answer with "last night was this and this". Every time they told you to daven for the amud, you jumped at the chance for everyone to hear your brachah. You would go with a fire, and scream "Baruch....... Hayom yom..... Ba'omer!!!!", you didn't care whether anyone was shouting at you that you said Ba'omer and not La'omer, or that the brachah took 12 minutes altogether, you went on.

But it came the closing days of sefirah, and you were wondering what would happen if you said it everyday, with a brachah. You asked your local rabbi about what would happen. He told you that you just were mikaim a mitzvah, and then its over. That night you were thinking about it "I am counting for something, right? then the counting must end, soon. The rabbi is right it will be over. No more counting till next year!?!". But you loved counting so much, you could have been hired by sesame street to be the count, that this hurt you. Instant fear gripped your mind. You run out of shul screaming in the street "yidden yidden!!! you cant count sefirah in a few days, these are precious times don't waste them!!!". You go over to one fellow and say "Tonight is the 46th night, don't forget that and don't stop counting!!!". You leave the fellow thinking your crazy, then you realize you just said sefirah one night without a brachah (saying tonight is whatever, is considered counting and you cant make the brachah that night).

If you thought you lost it before, now you really did, you missed a night with a brachah!!!! Your heart begins to pound, you start sweating, as if someone is about to kill you. Your panicking, what will you do? "All is lost" you think to yourself "All those nights I kept up with it and now I missed it, everything sucks!". You pass out from all the tension you have caused yourself.

You find yourself days later in a hospital, hooked up to an IV. You ask the first Jewish person you see what day it is, they tell two days after Shavous. "AFTER SHAVOUS" you say, "But that means I completely missed 3 whole days of counting!!". You take a few short breaths, the pressure of not counting now plus missing counting before, creates the flat line sound of your cardiac monitor (in other words, your'e dead).

YOUR PESACH CLEANING

Ever since Chanukah you haven't stopped scrubbing. You started with your attic, and then went straight towards the basement. By Purim you already had matzoh ready to give to shaloch manot, because you were afraid to have chametz. You also made sure not to accept any shaloch manot, for fear of any chametz residue. Now with a few days left to Pesach, you cant seem to find anything else to clean, but you keep going around searching with a spoon a feather and a candle..... that runs on a extremely powerful battery to produce a very strong light, every single day, who cares if everyone else only does that the night before.

Today, you have cleaned everything in you house, and yesterday...... and the day before. You have been so far removed from the purpose of getting rid of chametz; that you are getting rid of anything that will remotely make a mess, even the matzoh meal you have is to be taken with caution. You have become one with OCD, or a smaller version of Pesach syndrome (Pesach syndrome also involves crazy shopping attitudes, and weird minhagim like not eating anything that touched anything that was once a liquid for fear of it making your food gebrukts [which is only a fear of it having some flour not baked that you still have to wait 18 minutes for it to become chametz]).

You have cleaned, you have finished, nothing got in your way, and there is still a few hours now till Pesach. Wait, go back a few words "nothing got in your way", now how did that happen? you think to yourself. You then remember, YOU HAVE KIDS!!! You didn't prepare for this.

1,2,3,4 kids step into your house running amok, nope, now 5,6,7 and their all yours. They are spreading dirt all over the place, with their muddy shoes, or was it dog doo? You start going crazy, not knowing where to start to stop this. You try getting hold of all the kids, you line up which ever ones you can catch. You count ".....3,4,5 wheres 6 and 7?" you say. You turn around and 6 and 7 are assembling a chametz bomb. "Oh no" you scream. "Don't set that off...... how did you get that? what does it do?" you say. They reply "its a chametz bomb we leftover from Purim and we need to get rid of it before Pesach". "No way" you say "I cleaned the whole house for months now, don't make it all go to waste with a few hours to Pesach". Boom!! you are okay, but the chametz bomb did some serious damage to your house leaving pieces of bread, and leavened dough, stuck everywhere in your house. 6 and 7 are covered in chametz.

You quickly gather everyone in your family, as a stroke of genius falls upon you. You are going to sell the house to a goy and go somewhere for Pesach, in the few short hours you have left, just so you can avoid all the cleaning (how convenient). You, the seven children and spouse, are going to have a worry free Pesach after all, which begs the question, why not do this in the first place?

KEEPING UP WITH THE MACHMIRS

You live in an area that's very competitive. Most people call it keeping up with the Steins, you call it keeping up with the Machmirs, your next door neighbor (their name means stringent). For some reason you are always one step behind them. For example, they don't eat strawberries, then when you decide to stop also, they go ahead and deem raisins also bad, you used to drink regular water till they only drank filtered, and now you're filter needs filtered water. Everything you do is not good enough.

So last week you decided that you are going to be ahead of the game, you are going to find out first, and they are going to have to copy you, only then will you keep up with the Machmirs. You go to YWN, nope, nothing new (of course you had your non machmir friend print it out for you). Vos iz neias isn't going to have anything more than the the yeshiva's coffee room, so you don't have your friend, whos non machmir, print it out. Finally you spot something, from somewhere else, "Women shouldn't visit the dead, should be quiet and not cry during a eulogy". You say that's perfect for you, but you think its not enough, you have to find more.

So you continue your quest for the most restricted life possible. On your way you over hear a conversation "Did you find that blue blackberry?" one guy says (it was actually you from the post before being spoken to, remember?) "Yes" the other guy says (you from last post). "Well, its mine, it has my name on the bottom of it, so and sostein". The guy who found it wasn't sure if he should give it back. You then thought to yourself that that's an awesome chumrah, and that the Machmirs could never do better than this, you wont give back lost texting machines (yay!). In fact through this you can learn another halachah, you shouldn't have blue blackberries (red ones are learned out from the fact that you cant wear red, so certainly your should not have a red phone, which is worn on your belt).

You run home from your shortened quest to find the most restricted life. You believe Machmir will never beat you, you are so overjoyed. NEXT WEEK (this week): Mr. Machmir comes home with a bottle of four hashgachah milk. Not only that, but it says on it, "Anachnu Machmirim, Machmirim bnei Machmirim (we are stringent, stringent the sons of stringent), this only proceeds to make you feel like he put a knife in you (of course kosher for shechitah) and twisted it (which hurts more).

Moral: Looks like you'll never keep up with the Machmirs.

PURIM IS ONE HECTIC NIGHT

Purim has arrived, as you celebrate the breaking of the fast of Esther. You bite into a piece of sponge cake and drink some orange juice. Then you hear everyone quiet down (is that even possible), the rabbi says a brachah and then everyone eats. "Oh shoots" you say" I ate before the rabbi, eh who cares" as you shrug it off.

You come home and decide to do some last minute preperation for shaloch manot. You are trying to think of what else you can put in, or what else you can put it in. You decide that the idea you had, of using a bag to keep the shaloch manot in, is okay. There you are (waving to us in the camera) stuffing in shaloch manot, twist tying it, and labeling it with your cheesy greeting card/label. You are finally done. You look at all of the bags you packed and set in rows against the wall. You say "They are all so nice, I picked a good bag, I even like the air holes at the bottom of every bag" you think for a moment, then.... "Hey, there aren't supposed to be any air holes, how did they get there? Oh shoots!". Turns out your bags were pierced by the sharp edges of your wafer boxes, as everything begins to spill out. All your work is ruined as you are wondering why you didn't go with the nice looking baskets like everyone else will, cheap isn't smart you say.

All of a (the) sudden, you hear the door bell ring, you open the door only to find people in costumes, and a limo in front of your house. You live in a very Jewish neighborhood, all are Jewish except your non-Jewish next door neighbor, so you expected this. The guys in costumes all start singing Chayiv inish libsumim (and smoke), as they dance there way in a circle into your house. You wait till they quiet down and ask what they want from you, they answer with, money. You ask what are you collecting for, they say "oh we are for a heiligeh tzedakah that if you give to it, all blessing shall be upon you". So you give 18$, one guy mutters "I thought this guy was rich?" You answer "you're right cheap isn't smart here's more" you give 50$ more. They leave and say thank you.

As you turn from your door it rings again, only to find another group waiting at it. They come in a circle dancing into your house singing Mishehnichnis adar marbim bisimchah. These guys just don't know when to end. You hear the door ring again, you assume its another group with a limo outside, and you are right. The new group starts singing Mishehnichnas adar marbim bisimchah, but a different tune. So now both groups have joined together, singing different tunes to the same song. You then say "Alright guys time to get what you came for". They instantly stop. The first group begins to say "We are collecting for...." they are cut off by the second group saying "helping children with difficulties is..." and they too are cut off. Now both groups are fighting, one says "we were here first" the other says "vinahapichu", you think they are both valid statements. You say to them "I have an idea here's 50$ to both of you guys and now it settled".

This goes on another 5 or 6 times, to each a fifty or more, and its getting annoying. You decide to take out a bottle of wine to drown this all out, you just cant take it any more. Another ring is at your door, this time its a drunk group of guys stumbling in you say "guys keep it down", turns out they cant. Singing off key is the game and staying in a straight line is a challenge for them. One guy starts stepping on your already ruined shaloch manot, You scream "Hey off my air-holed shaloch manot!!" the guy jumps off them after jumping on one more. Then there is this one guy who proceeds to vomit on your sofa, you scream "Oh shoots! Clean that right now you drunk bum!!" he just sits in it. Another ring at your door, and then another, and another, and another. "AAAHHHH!!!!" you yell "GET OUT, GET OUT GET OUT, AND YOU STOP SITTING IN YOUR VOMIT!!!!!!!!". You threaten to call the cops, you threaten to use a baseball bat, they aren't afraid, as they overtake your house. You take out your bat and are ready to swing. You hear a knock at the door. You open it ready to swing, you see two cops.

"Hey sir don't swing", the cops say, you drop the bat in utter astonishment. The cops say "sir we have got an anonymous tip from a neighbor of yours" the goy next door you believe, "that its loud and you are giving booze to minors. You say "I ain't loud officers and I ain't giving booze". The cops look at the guy sitting in his throw up, and then at the bottle of wine you used to drown it all out with. Instant panic comes to your mind, Oh shoots I'm going to the slammer, you think.

You are deciding to make a daring move to save yourself. Oops too late, looks like you already decided as you jump on one of the cops to cover his eyes as to not let him see everything wrong in your house. Instant uproar has set in; the cops are trying to get you off, a cherry bomb just exploded, you think it was a gun shot, all the drunkards are hurrying/stumbling out, you are being banged in to every wall as the cops are trying to knock you off. Finally they get you off, Oh shoots you think, now my plan has failed.

The cops say "Sir we have reason to believe you have been selling illegal fireworks to minors too, you are so busted". "YOU SCREAM NOT TRUE NOT TRUE, YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!!!!". The cops manage to get a hold of your struggling body, pretty easily. As they drag you to the police car you scream "YOU'RE ALL DEAD, ALL YOU COLLECTORS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!! AND YOU TWO COPS YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!!!!! YOU HEAR ME!!! YOU HEAR MEEEEE!!!!! as they stuff you into the car.

Now you are in jail, you cant even make your phone call because you weren't cheap, and gave all your money to the tzedakos. You thought to yourself "it wasn't good to be cheap because of your air holed shaloch manot and you should have been cheap because now you cant pay for the phone call, you are so confused. You also tried to get out of this whole mess with pleading "vinahapichu", it didn't work. Your last thoughts before we finish this posts is "Why isn't Madoff getting at least half the bad treatment you are", and to that we will never know.

FINDING A NEW SHUL

You have been searching for a new shul; ever since you got into one of the biggest fights in your old shul due to a guy forgetting someones Hebrew name. After your friend nagging you about this other shul you could go to, you decide to go there. You have absolutely no clue what this shul will be like, all you know is that its supposed to have a good kiddush and, anything is better than your old shul. You think to yourself "Why didn't half of the minyan from your old shul separate and make its own shul?". You answer that with "I would probably fight with them either way". You are still not so thrilled about this new shul.

So you head out to this new shul on shabbos morning. It occurs to you that this place is a black hatter shul, due to all the black hats. You find your friend, who told you to come, you wait till chazaras hashatz, not too long being that you walked in during baruchu. For some reason, you decide to take the seat of someones makom kavuah (usual seat he prays in). The guy doesn't say anything, rather he stands very, very close to you. Being that the guy doesn't use any deodorant, or cologne, you decide to move only to shoot him a dirty look. The guy intern, waves his smell at you with his hat.

So you pick a new seat. At this new seat you are sitting next to the loudest, worst voiced guy in the shul. Not only is he the loudest worst voice in shul, but he even goes as far as to use the chazans tunes while not pronouncing any of the words. So you are sitting right next to the guy who wont put his lips together on any of the words he says. You wonder to yourself " Is there a guy like this in every black hat shul? (the truth is, there is one in every black hat shul)". You decide to tell the guy off, he responds with an even louder than possible davening. To get back at the guy, you take away the tissue box the guy ever so needs for his drooling mouth (the drooling mouth is caused by not closing his lips as he says the words). Don't think Mister drool faced loud mouth doesn't have a plan, as he begins drool over you. You in return give back the tissue box.

After you are done chazaras hashatz, at which you would have talked to your friend only to be shushed repeatedly by the rabbi, you feel like this shul isn't for you. Leining is over, and you are thankful that a fight didnt start out over hebrew names. Your friend decided to request hagbah for you, you would have told him no, but whats done is done. After leining you get up there to do your thing. You say to yourself "this Torah isn't so hard, plus its pretty much even on both sides". You take the atzai chaim and thrust the Torah up in to air.

As you are turning around, to show off how well you did the job and how many columns you got, there is a guy behind you who starts to grab on to the Torah where ever he can. You tell him to stop, its going to fall, but the guy is to worried you don't have control of the Torah he tells you. You tell him repeatedly "hagbah isn't that hard I got, I got, your making it worse. He tells you "sit down already I don't want to fast 40 days!". The hagbah freak is now pushing you into a seat, and now guy who doesn't use deodorant is getting into the mix, you lose your balance and now the Torah falls. Everybody is shocked to see what happens.

Instant turmoil begins to erupt. People are screaming, the Rabbi runs to pick up the Torah, children are screaming for their mothers, a fire has broken out, how you do not know. One guy is trying to sneak his way out of shul so its as if he doesn't need to fast forty days, someone else jumps out the window in an attempt to do the same. A different guy punches you in the face and says "I cant fast 40 days I'll starve to death". You tackle j=him and scream back "you can eat at night, and its not my fault, its the hagbah freaks fault". Another guy knocks you off him and shouts back "I am not Muslim, I don't celebrate Ramadan" You scream back "they all eat in the bathroom anyway, don't you know?" another guy hits your friend over his head with a chair. You charge at the guy for hitting your friend. Now the shul is in complete chaos, everybody is hitting everybody. Loud mouth drool guy is coming after you, along with makom kavua guy. The fire that started before, is now getting bigger, everyone is forced evacuates the shul.

The screaming continues as the police come. They decide to arrest only you, on the charges of assault, damaging holy articles, and holy sites. As you are being carted off, you think to yourself, "That idiot if only he would have let me be, and now I have to fast in prison &*$%^&*@ " You curse out everything (mister loud drool face) and everyone (makom kavua guy and hagbah freak) that have made your shabbos a difficult one, and swear to never set foot in that now burnt down shul.

So this shabbos, people, be thankful your shul is..... no....no... there is no moral to this story, too bad.

WHEN JEWISH GEOGRAPHY GOES TO FAR

Your life has sucked for just too long. All your friends just run away. Its time to get back at them. What will you do? You can, either: A) ditch them for new ones B) get a semi automatic gun, throw a huge party inviting all of them, and then mow them down with your new murder weapon, or C) Be so attached to them, they will go nuts. You speculate that B) may result in someone pressing charges, leading to life in prison (only to make new friends there), and C) will annoy the heck out of you. You remembered that; you took a course on how to play game shows and when two out of the three don't fit, it must be the third, so you go with A).

Now you are wondering, how do I make friends the Jewish way. You think for a bit then exclaim "JEWISH GEOGRAPHY!!!" (as the light bulb bursts from on top of your head). So you run into the nearest yeshivah, looking for your first victim. You spot a guy wearing a; white shirt, black hat, dark colored jacket and dark pants. You run to him and ask "where do you learn?" The guy looks at you for a moment, then he overcomes the shock, and says "right here". You say "Oh really... how nice" as you realize that he obviously learns here. You quickly run away thinking, "Hes just an unfriendly fellow".

You find another dude in a white shirt hat and jacket with black pants. You ask him "So where you from?" He says "Who wants to know". You say "I do, so.... do you know so and so, because he was just so weird I had to"..... Yeshivish guy cuts you off and says "I think you are looking for the guy over there". You say "You're a good friend, what do you want to do tomorrow. Should we go out for pizza, or....." The yeshivish looks up from his sefer and says "I seriously think that guy over there is calling you". You are still ignorant to the fact that he wants you to go away, so you continue " I guess will talk it out later, see ya". You then walk over to the guy he said was calling, lo and behold he actually wasn't, you are suprised.

You then walk out of the yeshivah, thinking "Wow I just made a new friend (the guy who told you to walk over to the other guy), and it wasn't that hard". You decide to make another one. You quickly run to the nearest grocery store and stand in the longest line there. You happen to stand next to a woman (its okay). You are about to ask her something but she goes first "Where do you learn, by what Rav". You say "Whats it your business, why do you feel like you have to know what everyone is doing?! sheesh get a life, are you so deprived of people to talk to you run everywhere just to make a friend and ask them stupid questions. I would never want to be you". she says back "well that's not someone I would like to be friends with (okay I'm a little far fetched with that word"friend" but who cares)". You then ask the nearest person where they live.

The story may be weird, but today I was in a bagel store and the guy standing in front of me, who I don't know, says "Hi, hello, how are you doing. So where do you learn? I spill out a "Hi" not knowing what else to say, since he just shot it out so quickly and so out of term. He asks again "where do you learn?". I look at him as if he fell from G-d knows where. I decided to get back at him for saying something so utterly stupid and annoying, "Do you want the truth or a lie" I don't know why I said that. So he says "Oh I understand you don't want to talk". At least he understood. ( you may wonder why I actually felt this to be weird, the answer is the guy came on too strong) A few minutes later he asks "So whats your name" So I say "Dude its enough already, I don't know what you are trying to do but stop!" When he got his stuff and left he looked at me and waved, I nodded my head for some unknown reason. the guy was obviously suffering from lack of friends, and this results in Jewish geography going to far. Don't let this happen to you.

MY DOOR BELL, MY LIFE, LEAVE ME ALONE

Its a Thursday night. You sit back on your couch, hoping to not be disturbed. You feel so relaxed, the week is over, shabbos is coming, and you've done all the shopping needed. Ding-Dong.... knock knock knock. You get up from your position to open the door. Lo and behold its a Meshulach.

You feel like closing the door on him. He immediately gives you a sob story, about how his wife is a widow, and his children are starving, they don't even have a house. You feel bad for the guy. You think "I just went shopping, I don't have a lot of money on me; ill give a dollar". So you stick your hand in your pocket, and pull out a five and a one. You hand the guy the one. He says "can I have the other one too?" You close the door on him. You say to yourself "What chutzpah this guy has, I was trying to be nice and he gets all greedy. It didn't even look like he needed so much money by the way he was dressed" You decide to forget about it.

You get back on your couch and fall into a comfortable position. Once again the door rings. You open the door to find this guy who, unexpectedly, comes into your house. He pulls up a chair by himself, regardless of the fact that its your house. Besides for the fact that he has no manners, he says you are a friend of his. You say to yourself "no he isn't, who is he, and where did he come from, and why is he so rude?" He then says to get him a drink, because hes been on his feet all day. You think, and know, " This guy has probably done this to numerous houses today, you feel disgusted". You say to him " how much money do you want?" He says "Money who needs money? not me....... but there is this one family who cant afford to pay the bills, and the financial crisis hit them hard". You say "here's a dollar, get lost, and don't come back!!!". As you are trying to push the guy out the door, he says "a dollar isn't enough, and where is my water"? You scream back "I don't know you, get out of my house!!!" The Meshulach says "last week you gave me more (which is a lie), where is your rachmonos for yidden?" You finally get the guy out and slam the door. You think to yourself "where do I find these people?"

You sit back down, only to be called back to the door. You open up with a look of depression on your face, and see another collector. He mumbles something in yiddish to you, and says "money", the only clear word you heard from him. You reach back into your pocket and pull out 50 cents. The guy says "tizkeh li'mitzvos", shoves a book in your hand, and leaves. You say "how nice a free book, wait.... I give tzedakah for a mitzvah, not for this". You then run out of your house, look both ways. You spot the Meshulach. You start chasing after him with the sefer in your hand, waving it like a hatchet. He starts running away with his pile of sefarim. You scream "Yoily, come back!! I want you to take this back!! He continues to run away, then his pile falls over. You catch up, stuff the sefer in his hands and say "don't you dare do this to me again"

You are just so mad, you cant relax now. They have ruined you spirit, you vow revenge, shaking your clenched fist. You will never open the door for any meshulach, ever again. Especially on Thursdays, their favorite day to hit houses. You disable you door bell, after being so mad that it didn't serve you like you wanted it to. Next week a guy with a check for a million dollars rings your disabled door bell, you don't answer and miss your chance, but your happy and relaxed, thinking you dodged another meshulach.

HOPEFULLY NOT YOU ON CHANUKAH

You rush home to light the holy menorah. As you are passing a house, you see a Kenorah being lit. You laugh at the cheap imitation of your holiday. You wonder if they believe in Kenya Kwanzaa (He lives on mount Kilimanjaro), like you believe in Chanukah Chaim (or is it Elijah the Prophet, various different opinions in the Talmud). You come home to a house decorated, with only the most Hanukkah spirited items, such as (only paper ornaments made by kids in kindergarten); dreidels, a bubby making latkes, menorah's, and snow flakes shaped like Magen Davids.

You come to the front window, to light the Holy Menorah. You didn't prepare the Menorahs, nor did your wife. I guess she trusted the kids to not make a mess with all the oil. You say to yourself, " Its okay if they don't know how to pour, and they made a mess everywhere. In fact the oil is good for their hands, it acts as a moisturizer". You start off the first Bracha, having in mind every segula, with the most kavanah possible. The same goes with your second Bracha. You hand out the candle for everyone else to light, even your daughters light (actually this is a question if they should light, some even hold they cant).

You finish Maos Tzor, and you notice that across the street is a christian home. They have all those lights and trees, you shed a tear, crying to G-d, "why did I have to see this" (if you didn't get it by now, you are extremely frum, (why am I telling you this?, you should know y0u are frum)). Your wife tells you that, something looks like a fire hazard. You quickly object with "Hashem would never let such a great mitzvah, come back to haunt us". Your wife, being just as frum as you, agrees to this.

As you were discussing this matter, your daughters hair caught on fire, while examining her menorah. This happened through a candle (children have candles, you have the oil) falling out of its holder, because of bad positioning on your children's part (they set it up). Not only that, but the fact that your children spilled oil everywhere, the fire caught on. Your daughter screams her hair is on fire, You do not believe such nonsense, for how could G-d do this to you. Most of her hair burns off. The house is now in flames. The smoke detector starts to beep. After much thought, you decide its time to call Hatzaloh. You run outside, as your house looks like it could burn for the next 8 days. You ask your daughter, who gave her such a nasty haircut, and has she been smoking?

So all your great decorations go to waste. You begin to lament, how could G-d do this to you? what will become of your decorations? Suddenly you feel that famous inspiration coming, yes it has struck once again. You jump and say " It was my Goyish neighbor, who started the fire. He must have been jealous of my great decorations and festival of lights". The cops come over to you, for a report on what happened. You tell them, you are sure its the Goy across the street, with all those lights, who started it. You begin to sing Gam Zu Letova; you just remembered the insurance will kick in, and pay for everything. "G-d works in such mysterious ways" you say. You thank G-d and make a Shehechiyanu, one that you didn't make because it wasn't the 1st night.

WORLD OF CHUMROS

You wake up to your kosher alarm clock, playing only the most kosher radio. You hit the "I am not a visikin guy" button. A few minutes, later it plays a again, to the tune of Wake Up by Lipa, or is that not frum enough? You press the "I am up for shachris" button. You lean over to your mikveh, beside your bed, and wash your hands. You go to the kitchen, which has your own personal Mashgiach, to make sure all is glatt kosher. You open your refrigerator, and reach for a bottle of Lakewood Orange juice, which is made in Brazil and Florida, but you didn't know that. You step outside your house, walk to the correct part of the street, made just for men.


You notice a woman being beat for walking to her house, which is on the men's side of the street. You say to yourself "she deserves it". You go to your yeshivishe car, where the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn. You turn on the Kosher GPS, to guide you to the kollel. You close your eyes while you drive, for perhaps, you may see a woman on the street. You rely solely on your GPS, to tell you when to turn. You walk into the kollel, and put on your kosher tefillin (we hope its kosher).


You are done shachris. You begin to do, whatever it is you do in kollel, which is nothing. You pull out your kosher phone and start talking to people on it. You wonder, "Could you do anything else with a phone besides talk"? You think "surely not; otherwise, in our advanced society, it would be done". You go out to smoke. You pull out your box of Badaatz certified cigarettes, and enjoy this wonderful life you have.

A person comes over to you. He offers a shidduch, for your daughter. You ask all these weird questions. After you are finished, you decide he is a good match. You reasons to this are; He wants to be supported by me who can hardly support himself, and two, he is a complete copy. of all the other guys around, he must be good.


You are late for the afternoon Hock. You rush, as to not miss all the gossip. You hear in a distance "did you hear what happened to Baruch Chaim's wife? It turns out she got lynched, for being on the wrong side of the street". Next guy says, "That's a shame, its his second wife this week". You pipe in "Yep, well women have to know better". Then a guy says "Did you see what YWN wrote?" You all inquire about, what exactly YWN is. This guy tells you, "Do you have the net". You answer "A fishing net?" "No no no", says the guy "I mean the Internet". You then all learn all about the Internet.


All of a sudden, you are thrown into a vortex of thought. All the things you knew about your life, are flushed down the drain of reality. You ask this person to "hand you the net". He realizes you don't get what it really is. He shows you everything. You were shocked when you found out that, there are actually other civilizations, and not too far away.

You go home. You have a talk with your wife. She says she doesn't believe you. You begin to fight with yourself. "why did my community withhold this knowledge from me? Did they think they cant trust me?" and then "Well I like the fact that, my community cares about me". A bolt of insight hits you. Your phone really can do more than just talk, and why is it that you cant have more money? Also you want to choose your own lifestyle and not be born into one.

You decide, that's it, you are going off the derech. You leave you community (your wife and family didn't come along). You are driving out of town, Wait! there are no roads to out of town, or so says your GPS. You decide to look up when you drive now (a sin that in your old community deserved lynching). You are heading out of town. You find a new community that allows you to have choice. Back in your old place. Your wife and family, are being excluded from the community. If this family can produce such a heretic, then they all don't belong in the community.Oh, and that shidduch you made isn't going to work out.

You finally wake up, from this awful dream you had. You thank G-d that you live in a world, where you can choose the way you wish to serve g-d, and walk on any side of the street you want. You say "Thank g-d I am not (charedi) born into that.

THE HEAVY WEIGHT TITLE A.K.A HAGBA

The time has come. The leining is over, and now its just you, and the guy doing Gelila. YAMOD HAMAGBIAH VEHAGOLEL!(ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE!), the bell has rung. You get up from your seat, face your challenger (guy doing Gelila), and head up onto the ring (bima). You reach for the Torah, and thrust it up into the air. With full pride, you wave your belt (the Torah) around, showing it to all sides. You are forcefully sat down. Its a race between you and the Gelila guy, who is going to wrap this up first. (well not really, but you get the point).

Ooh! it seems as if its a tie (you both rolled it up), you both make it to the second round. Your plan is to let him throw himself out, trying to fix that buckle around the Torah. You utter comments at him, like "go faster", "its upside down", "not below the (belt) upper third portion of the Klaf". Gelila guy is worried, and is trying to hurry things up. He throws a right hook, but he cant get it around. Then a left, but to no avail. You are winning. He tries a stupid move, putting both hands around at the same time. It somehow works on you, only because it was so stupid. The "Ref's" then break up the illegal formation. He barely makes it out of the second round.

3rd round. Your plan seemed to work before, you try it again. You let him "throw" over the Torah cover. He gives it a nice tug, nothing pops out. You then start shaking it up, he cant find any holes (Gelila guy is trying to get the Torah cover over the handles). The crowd (Minyan) is starting to get impatient. Finally Gelila guy gets the hole he needs, and sticks on the Yad , in an attempt to come up with some points.

Too late for the Gelila guy, its over. You pick up the Torah once again, in triumph, and then proceed to shake everyone's hand. They all congratulate you on the big "win". One guy slaps you on the back, as a friendly gesture. You look over at the Gelila guy, he is only getting small handshakes. End Of Story.

Hagba is not all that its cracked up to be. Many Jews have decided, that they need something they can call on their "strong men" for. Everyone is afraid of dropping the Torah, so it became the ideal thing to need, a strong man for. Then, when there is someone not so strong, doing Hagba, they feel the need to explain to them, how to do it. "You got to lift it from the bottom, go down with it, then up". Its really not that hard. Then there are those guys, who brag about their friends being so strong. "My friend Beryl is so strong, he picked it up with closed eyes". Other guy, "Oh no. You have never seen my cousin Yanky, what he can do with the Torah is a whole nother story".

The worst is when its Simchas Torah. All are looking for that lone sober guy to do the job. He cant just be sober, he has to have the muscle and skill, to twist the Torah around. Regardless of whether the guy has control or not, anyone near him will lunge forward, grab on to any part of the Torah to secure it.

Hagba isn't that hard, get over it, there is no Jewish practice that proves, that one is extremely strong. Hagba is not all that its cracked up to be, and you can't brag about it.

SO YOU WANT TO START A KOSHER BUSINESS

So you have came up with your new "best idea ever". Your "new best idea ever" is to start a kosher business. Your reasons: 1) Prove everyone it is the "best idea ever". 2) to prove it to yourself. 3) To make some money.

You start out looking for a lone from a bank. You get a generous offer and will pay back in 10 years. You look for a place in the back country to open up the factory. You find a nice place in the Midwest. You start out with hiring. You pick up some good workers and offer them a nice pay, teach them the safety rules, and move on with your "best idea ever".

Year 1. You are just starting out. The other companies are just to good. You have ideas to catch up with them. Overall things are going well. Mid. first year. You are getting noticed by the New York area. Other companies are thinking of you as a threat.

Year 2. The competition is still out there. All you need to do is just have an edge. A strike of brilliance has occurred. You could lower your prices, make it better or, have some useless toy to go with. You decide to go with the cheapening of the prices and the junk toy to go with the candy (Hey, I haven't even mentioned what your company does till here). But how to cheapen the prices? Another stroke of genius. You decide to look in "Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem (dummies)". You decide to hire underage workers. You allow the minors to enter the workforce, for a lower than minimum wage; then you will be able to sell for less, and have the edge you need. Instantly your company has succeeded. You give thanks to "Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem".

Year 3,4,5. Now you are able to brag to you friends and family that, your best idea ever was the "best idea ever". they don't agree, and say "It was your best idea ever not the best idea ever". You don't care, you have sole power of the kosher candy kingdom. You admire the fact, that all the candy men of every shul need to buy from you. You are asked to give a sizable amount of money to charities, such as; Lev La'achim, Chai lifeline and many more such. No one knows that that, was all ma'aser money. You are part of the elite Jewish monopoly owners, such as; Artscroll, Rubashkins and many more such. You have gained respect. You have paid back the bank loan early.

Year 6,7,8. You look at your vast Kosher candy empire and see it as too small. You decide to go worldwide. You wish to take a big loan from the bank. They are reluctant to give that big of an amount. You show them false records indicating an able payback. You are sure you can payback. You have now run in with a problem, countries you want to sell it to have tariffs. So to keep up with those companies you decide, to do what you did last time, to lower prices. You need a foolproof method. The same stroke of brilliance or, was it genius, has come around again. You hire a bunch of Mexicans, almost 400 undocumented workers, to help out. You fire most of the staff who earns more then minimum wage. You don't teach the undocumented workers any safety, since who cares if they lose an arm they cant sue, or they risk being deported. Now you can compete with foreign candy companies.

Year 9. After many years of the health department keeping you in business; for some odd reason they started checking up on you more closely. Reports of beaten workers came across the board. you deny it, and then beat the workers for squealing. kidding. You give them lower wages. PETA is now onto you, why, you do not know. Is it because of the animal crackers? Then the FBI is seriously checking up on you. Next days headlines show " a meth lab in (insert your company name here)" You had absolutely no clue, or did you ( suspicious).

You are going out of your mind. Soon all your workers are being deported. The bank is demanding its money, and bringing the fake documents you used to prove you will be able to pay, and comparing it to your real ones. Your "best idea ever" is about to turn to worst. With no other choice you deny everything. Your family and friends take away your bragging rights you had in year 3,4,5. The respect you had in those years are all gone. Some are still rooting for you and claiming its all antisemitism. You are doomed hopefully you get 50 years in jail.

Year 1-50 in jail. You look back and think "maybe I should have read more from Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem". Too bad, to late.

If you didn't get the story yet, its a spoof on Agri processors. Hope you enjoyed, because everything got erased halfway through and now I am happy I finished.

YOU ON YOM KIPPUR

You start out looking for a minyan for mincha so that way you can move on in your Erev Yom Kippur schedule. Your schedule includes of 1)davening mincha 2) saying attaras nidarim 3) throwing crumbs into an ocean 4)waving chicken around head 5) shower 6) eat till you bust so you can survive this upcoming fast 7)stay in shul for a good two hours on a prayer that normally takes 5 minutes. 8) read next days list.

So you decide to attack item number one on you list. You run around looking for a quick minyan with your busy schedule. You find an average paced minyan not the one you wanted but you'll take it. As you're in middle of chazzaras hashas you are bombarded with kids requesting you to give their tzedakah box a little more than a dollar. To the first one you give a righteous amount. To the next not so much and to the third you decide not to give at all. He gives you a look as if you are going to get it from the man upstairs for not giving him.

After mincha you look at you're list and cross off mincha. You look at number two "saying attaras nidarim". You try gathering three people together but everyone said it before Rosh Hashana. You flip back a few pages and take a glance at your list for Erev Rosh Hashana, you don't see you wrote attaras nedarim. You think why didn't I write it down for erev rosh hashana. Genius has then struck you and you say "If I don't throw out my list in one minute all my previous nedarim are annulled". You feel as if you are the smartest person in the world you and your list are going to beat out everything (you then notice a guy in the corner with one of those electronic schedulers and think of dumping you paper list for the electronic one) .

You then head out to do number three on your list. You're on your way to throw your bread in an ocean. You bring your machzor or small pamphlet with you. As you are throwing the very last of what you have into the ocean, a bird swoops in to eat all the crumbs you threw. You don't know if the bird is allowed to eat it or just the fish in the sea. You end up not caring as long as you are atoned for all of your sins. This then gets you thinking if the bird is going to get to it first, why not just feed the pigeons outside your house (you have heard of when the fish eats it they die so why not downsize the large population of pigeons).


Next you head out to get a chicken. Time is running out till Yom Kippur sets in. You feel you just don't need a chicken and since there is almost no time left, you chicken out and go for the money waving around head. This gives you more time to take shower and get ready to stuff your face. You are done showering and now are stuffing your face with tons of food. You remember hearing to drink a lot before a fast since its mainly the drinks that count. You also remember hearing to eat salty foods so you can retain the water in your body. Wait, the more salt you have means the more water you need. You then are in state of panic what to do? You have absolutely no clue. You decide to text cha cha to see what they tell you. Another dilemma has appeared before you texting is bad and right before Yom Kippur. Should you have texted cha cha? you decide to forget it and what was done is done. So as always you are waiting for the text which is taking more than long enough for them to answer. What kind of shoes are you going to wear you begin to think. The white sneakers those older folks wear? is that supposed to be a sign of cleanliness like a kittel is or just to match the kittel for fashion purposes? You decide to go with the slippers.


You notice the time and you have 1 minute before Yom Kippur starts. You begin to worry ahh! I didn't eat as much as I should have. You quickly clean up, put the phone on charge (you never did get the text) and are off to shul. You say to yourself Maariv is a short prayer it cant take that long even with a Yom Kippur style. (2 hours later) You are still in shul and are whispering to a friend about the up and coming baseball playoff teams and who you think are going to win. You chose the dodgers and he chose the Phillies. You end up making a bet, nothing about making promises has crossed your mind yet. You are finally about to end and the chazzan is up to Kaddish the last one. just as you thought he was about to end he suddenly breaks out a Yaseh Shalom that lasts for a few minutes. Everyone is just staring at him as to why he is not finishing as he goes for another round of Yaseh shalom. You eventually make it home.


Next day you come back in to shul. You feel a little tired wishing you could have made a coffee. In the middle of Musaf you decide to read the English to understand some of what you are saying. You come across the things the Kohen Gadol does on Yom Kippur. You read about all the slaughtering and chucking of the goats, you begin to wander what would happen if PETA existed back than. In the end you manage to make it through Musaf and then Mincha afterwards. Now it comes time for Neila. Also your stomach is telling you that you need food now! you decide to stand the whole Neila and have some kavana at the last prayer on Yom Kippur.

It doesn't work to well, you drifted onto the food you need. Now you feel like you are going to faint as you really didn't get a good meal before hand. Its a race to see what going to come first you collapsing or the chazzan finishing. The chazzan seems to be losing the race as he decides to Schlep threw this Neila. No you say I can't stand the whole time I'll die if I do. Another few Oy Oy Oys from this chazzan and your not going to make it you think. Finally its time to hear the shofar after Neila. Wait the rabbis saying something. Shofar is to be blown after Maariv. Ugh this better be a kaporah you say. Well you remember that Maariv after Yom Kippur is only three minutes with kaddish, Aleinu and L'david.

You finish Maariv (Not making the any of the kaddishes with the minyan) and some how found the energy to run home. You take the first bite of food and a drink of orange juice and you feel as if you are a new person. Also you feel you might have accomplished something this Yom Kippur. But there is no need to worry you ruined this sense of accomplishment with the fastest Maariv ever. You never noticed this and it flew over your head as you think "thankfully there wont be another Yom Kippur till next year".

WHAT YOU DIDNT SEE COMING.

You walk in to this shul. Its the one you mainly go to for a shabbos morning. You like it their since you know most of the people. Its a great place to chop a schmooze on either politics or baseball since the Rabbi cant really tell who is talking.

As you walk in you think to yourself this shul is great everyone gets along so well and the davening is smooth, maybe a little long. You sit down in your normal seat near your normal friends (at least you think their normal although you have had a bad taste in friends all your life). Of course you didn't make it on time, right when they started P'sukei Dzimrah, you came a good thirty minutes late and they were about to say Baruchu (pronounced Buh-ruch-oo).

After you settle down and Chazaras Hashatz (your main talking period besides for leining) has passed you say to yourself (out loud) I love this shul. You are wondering if the Rabbi will speak for a long time before K'riyas Hatorah (if you don't understand any of these terms please comment about it and I will translate). In the end the rabbi did speak for a long time and you used up all your bathroom breaks too early. Now you are thinking I should have took a nap like that guy over there (who cares if you snore).

It finally came the time to recite the holy torah portion of that week. You were hoping that you get invited to the kiddush club well sorry Mr. I have no good stories to tell. You tell yourself its okay there is a kiddush later. About this point in time the rabbi stops the leining for everyone to quiet down this makes you a little angry that the rabbi has the Chutzpah to tell you to be quiet. The next big thing to happen is there is a guy who gets an Aliyah to the holy torah and the one who calls him up, you know the guy who says Yamod So-and-so ben Whom ever Shvi'ee, forgets this guys first name.

This guy is no person to forget their first hebrew name. So now he gets offended and says how could you forget my name I have come to this shul for 2 whole years. So the gabbai who called him up says "Hey" in a whispered sort of tone "there are many people that come to this shul how can I remember all of their first Hebrew names". Well this guy ain't done and he makes a whole big commotion about remembering his name. Then comes two or more people defending the gabbai. And before you knew it the whole shul is one huge fight.

You decide to get in on the action and you say "You forgot my name when I was called up two weeks ago. Another guy says "yeh he forgot mine and I don't care you shouldn't either". Then the old men in the back get into it. The Rabbi just wants order and to finish up the davening but no one cares now. You are ready to throw your fist in someones face. Somehow a rather young guy (who seems to at the head of the gabbais campaign) is arguing with one of the oldies in the back. One of the Oldie's friends gets up and screams "You Nazi. He Vas in Da Var (war).

In some odd way davening ended. you are cursing out this once Beloved shul and all those who you opposed today. You say to yourself that shul never got along and everyone hated each other. How could you go to a shul like that. You then decide not to go to the kiddush which was sponsored by someone who was on the other side. You vow in anger never to go to a shul which cant remember your name. Also you are going to quit being a member of that shul.

In most shuls this doesn't happen (we can only hope) and will kiddush come next which you are waiting for so for kiddush read this.

STAIN

Its a beautiful day outside. You decide to go onto your porch with a nice cup of lemonade to relax.You soak in the view of a crystal clear blue sky. You reach for your refreshing cup of lemonade and you put it to your lips and Hey I dont feel anything going into my mouth. Then you realize it spilled on your nice light colored shirt.

You at first are in amazement that you actually pulled that act off. Then you watch as the stain is now setting in. you rush to get a rag or napkin to wipe it off. You look in the kitchen opening shelves and closets quickly. You look down at the stain as if you were just shot and looking for help to stop the bleeding. You find the "help" you need and you are now rubbing at that stain rapidly.Your method doesn't work all to well, too bad you don't have one of those tide pens that clean stains instantly. (and you thought you would never need one).

So now you don't want to keep that shirt because you have unclean shirt phobia. Also what will people think of you if you have an unclean shirt. The only way an unclean light colored shirt is going to pass as okay, is if you are a Yeshiva Bochur with Cholent stains, tzitzis hanging out, and your hat sideways, but you are not one of them so forget it. Lucky for you, you are somewhat optimistic so you think that it was a good thing it happened when no one was around. You end up changing your shirt to a non light colored shirt and feel good about the fact that you ruined your favorite light colored shirt....NOT IN PUBLIC.

This post was inspired yesterday in middle of another post. Maybe you know why.