My New Years

Material Maidel had a post here, on the topic of celebrating "New Years". I began to think, is it right or is it not. I came to the conclusion I personally wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years". Going to watch the ball drop in times square, getting mad drunk, watching all the ESPN top ten highlights for every sport this past year, are all things that would make me feel weird if I did them (okay the one about sports I wouldn't feel weird doing).

That weird feeling I would have I can only describe as me missing out on something from what is My usual New Years. For example: The taste of an apple dipped in honey or chalah, humming dip the apple in the honey while dipping it in the honey, eating a fishes eyes, trying all the simanim that I would never eat all year round anyway, sitting in shul for hours and knowing my fate is being determined that day, and so on. I wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years" without that. The most I would do for "New years", and not feel like I'm missing something, is saying the year 2010 over 90 times so I feel comfortable saying it, like people would with V'sane Tal U'matar, but thats where it ends.

P.S. last year I wrote how everything has been down like the ball dropping including gas prices which were 1.83, well that went up another dollar in the past year.

Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

CHAIM SNYDER

Ever since the creation of Harry Potter, the Jewish world has gone into a frenzy. This has happened for many reasons; some say that the book is inappropriate for Jewish minds, others say its because a non Jew wrote it, and some rabbis say that people might come to say accio TV remote, which would then be practicing kishuf (black magic), but the majority of rabbis agree that its because if you read the book you will then want to see the movie, and movies are assur. But what ever the reason is all, rabbis are against it and there seems like there is nothing they can do to stop the potter frenzy. That is until they decided to come out with their own book, or shall I say sefer, called Chaim Snyder.


The new series is about a boy by the name of Chaim Snyder, who was kidnapped by a bunch of christian priests and brought up christian (the priests killed his parents). When he becomes 13 years old he gets a visit from a rabbi, who was sent to find him before his bar mitzvah and tell him he was Jewish. Chaim then embraces Judaism and is sent to a top yeshivah in Israel where he is supposed to learn. Over there in Israel he makes new friends who are very into kabalah. He becomes very "good" (what ever that means) at kabalah and can perform unnatural things, or nisim. Just as he is having a great time in Israel, there rises a new pope who has the power of kishuf, the pope is also making a visit to Israel very soon. Chaim and his friends decide to stop this pope. On their way they have to fight through phony fortune tellers, and Israeli taxi drivers to stop the pope..... sorry I cant give the whole story away, but the new pope was the one who killed Chaims parents in the beginning.


This is the new sefer the rabbis hope is going to combat the awful harry potter series, also the rabbis wont allow it to be made into a movie. In my opinion the new book is only going to be a hit for those who didn't read harry potter, because it was assur.

DO YOU 613?

Me: "...whats you email address"
Them: "blahblahblah613@yahoo.com"

Why is it that frummies always put in a 613, representing all the commandments, into their email address or IM account? I'm sure you know someone with a 613 at the end of their address. It could be the most random things stuck together with a 613, for example; doughnuts613@gmail.com or a name, Jack613@yahoo.com, or a personality, aidel613 (for an IM account), or even a JewsforJesus613@yahoo.com. I don't know why people pick 613 out of all the special numbers that there are, why not 7 for shabbos, or 8 for a bris, or 3 and 4 for the matriarchs and patriarchs, (yes, I got all the special numbers from the famous passover song).

Do they do it as a heter to be on the Internet? As long as they are reminded of the 613 mitzvos then they can be on the Internet all they want, and the Rabbonim will be so proud of them. Or is it for potential shidduchim? "Hey Chaim, scroll down a little, look a something@613, she has to be in your shidduch range".

Its gotten so far that you can find it in Jewish children's books, where a girl went off the "D" and now has a Gmail account with a 613 at the end (just goes to show you how off the "D" she really was), and then she gets some kiruv from her friends and everyone lives heimishly ever after.

I myself am thinking about changing my email address to mikeinmidwood613@yahoo.com, anyone else want to join?

A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

THE CUSTODIAN

Every Yeshiva has one of these guys, okay a few of them. They do back breaking labor and get paid worse than the rebbeim, which, by the way, is almost nothing. The kids in the Yeshiva cant really relate to them, because the rebbeim are constantly saying, "If you don't learn you'll end up like the shvartza janitors here", or, "So lets say shmerel had a cow, then Steve the guyishe janitor stole it.....", so the kids think of them as low lives. Some of them may be on crack all day long, but others just really cant get a better job. Every Yeshiva runs on these guys, and they are neglected.

In a Public school, life is probably better. The kids can relate to them. They can play their music, unlike in a yeshiva which forbids all outside music (for the record lipa is outside). No teachers are degrading them. They are treated like humans who have a life, rather than something who is just needed to mop the floors.

The children speak to them normally, not like in many yeshvos where the kids speak to them as if they are retarded, for example: Custodian: "Are you done here?" Yeshiva Kid: "Now no. We done here in few minutes, okay". A normal public school kid would have said "in five minutes".

Being a yeshiva custodian is one of the worst jobs ever, I wouldn't be surprised if in the news you hear a story of a janitor massacring a bunch in a yeshiva .

YOU-TOPIA

Many times people come up with philosophies of what they think the world should be like. They use all their methods of persuasion just to get people to agree with them, if they go really far they try implementing their ideas into society. Some people want equalness to its fullest, with people not judging one another based on how they look, but whats on the inside, and there will be no crimes committed, and everyone will be understanding of one another. Others want a world where the stupid are enslaved, or another race is enslaved (that's called racism). Religious people want a world where everyone serves G-d, for the sake of g-d, and for some the opposite (not believing in g-d).

People are just trying to change the world to be, what they consider, a perfect place in their minds (for example: Karl Marx). Now its great that you want a perfect world, but think, will you be able to live in your utopia? You have problems; you get angry, you're not always understanding, you don't always judge people favorably, you're stupid at times, you're not always religious at times, you might push someone out of the way just because you want to, because of this you wont even be able to live in your perfect society you dreamed of. Having a utopia is impossible if you live in it (and everyone else is perfect), you do one thing wrong and you're teaching others to act the same way, thereby disrupting the utopia.

A utopia can never be succeeded, because for a world to exist it needs flexibility and some breaking of the rules, due to us and are not so consistent lifestyles.

YOUR COUNTING ON IT

It was the second night of Pesach when you decided to embark on this mission. You thought to yourself, "This year is going to be the one, I'm going to make it all the way, I am going to count sefirah all 49 days". So the first night you are as pumped as people are for megillah leining. You make that brachah loud and clear so that everyone, within a 3 mile radius, should hear. You felt so great that you counted with such a geshmak that night, you wished you can count every night.

From then on you made sure to keep with every halachah and minhug that their was. You made sure that if someone asked what day it was, you can answer with "last night was this and this". Every time they told you to daven for the amud, you jumped at the chance for everyone to hear your brachah. You would go with a fire, and scream "Baruch....... Hayom yom..... Ba'omer!!!!", you didn't care whether anyone was shouting at you that you said Ba'omer and not La'omer, or that the brachah took 12 minutes altogether, you went on.

But it came the closing days of sefirah, and you were wondering what would happen if you said it everyday, with a brachah. You asked your local rabbi about what would happen. He told you that you just were mikaim a mitzvah, and then its over. That night you were thinking about it "I am counting for something, right? then the counting must end, soon. The rabbi is right it will be over. No more counting till next year!?!". But you loved counting so much, you could have been hired by sesame street to be the count, that this hurt you. Instant fear gripped your mind. You run out of shul screaming in the street "yidden yidden!!! you cant count sefirah in a few days, these are precious times don't waste them!!!". You go over to one fellow and say "Tonight is the 46th night, don't forget that and don't stop counting!!!". You leave the fellow thinking your crazy, then you realize you just said sefirah one night without a brachah (saying tonight is whatever, is considered counting and you cant make the brachah that night).

If you thought you lost it before, now you really did, you missed a night with a brachah!!!! Your heart begins to pound, you start sweating, as if someone is about to kill you. Your panicking, what will you do? "All is lost" you think to yourself "All those nights I kept up with it and now I missed it, everything sucks!". You pass out from all the tension you have caused yourself.

You find yourself days later in a hospital, hooked up to an IV. You ask the first Jewish person you see what day it is, they tell two days after Shavous. "AFTER SHAVOUS" you say, "But that means I completely missed 3 whole days of counting!!". You take a few short breaths, the pressure of not counting now plus missing counting before, creates the flat line sound of your cardiac monitor (in other words, your'e dead).

MUM

After realizing that there wasn't enough labels for people, they decided to come up with a new one, Modern Unorthodox Machmir. These people are not like the modern orthodox machmir, like anyone really knows what that is to begin with, or like regular unorthodox. They are a group of people that decided that they are unorthodox, but are machmir in some cases, making them the new, or modern, unorthodox and machmir.

Well not anyone can just be Modern Unorthodox Machmir, you have to keep to a set of rules from that are derabanan and ignore the rest of which are deoraisah. For example; they will drive to shul on shabbos, they only eat the shmurah matzoh, but dip their McDonalds french fries in saltwater, they eat only chulent that was heated on the blech, but yet turn on and off lights on shabbos.

But they aren't just machmir on the derabanans like saying sefirah, they are also machmir on environmental issues as well. They are warned about the 11th commandment "though shall not have a massive carbon footprint". Weekly sermons from Rabbi Rebecca, and her husband Reverend Davis, at the local shul, are constantly reminding the kehillah about the need to keep the planet clean, and are putting bans on new products that falsely claim to save the environment, every day. Therefore the community of MUM's will only have one child, use recycled paper and strap themselves to trees all over the world.

The life of an MUM is a tough one, only the most Machmir of Jews are zocheh to enter their sect of Judaism.

STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF PEOPLE WILL THINK YOURE ON BLUETOOTH

The one thing I never want to be called is, a person who shops while on a bluetooth or a cellphone. I find these people to be the ones who forgot the list of items to buy, and therefore have to phone home to get it. I don't want to be named the list forgetter. This is why I don't want to use a cellphone while shopping. So then why not use bluetooth? no one will see or notice it, and that, I answer, is precisely the problem, as seen in this example:

You are looking for a certain type of tomato sauce while talking to your spouse, there is a person right next to you who is also looking for tomato sauce, but without a wireless device. You then proceed to say to your spouse, "What you want isn't here", the person next to you asks while wondering why you said that "how do you know?" You then say to your spouse "Honey are you sure they had it last time?", the person next to you responds "Well yes, and why did you call me honey?", You then say to your spouse "Its not here now, they must have run out", and then the person next to you is bewildered. "Excuse me" they say "that makes no sense, because they had it last time, they must have ran out of it this time? you don't even know what I am looking for!". You then move to another isle, and the person you left behind, who was next to you, thinks your crazy. I don't want to be thought of as crazy.

There is another way people used to think you were crazy, and that would be if you talked to yourself. If people don't see the small bluetooth, they will think you are talking to yourself and you are deemed crazy. But now that people will think you are on bluetooth, because its common, they will know you aren't crazy. Which brings me to the title of this post "Stop talking to yourself people will think you're on bluetooth". As I mentioned above, I don't want to be deemed a list forgetter, and if I talk to myself people will think I am on bluetooth, which means I forgot the list of items to buy, I dont want people to think that of me.

So people, don't talk to yourself while shopping, you might be called a list forgetter. See what a twisted world we live in.

IS IT TRUE

Does anyone believe that story of the talking fish in new square? You know the one that happened quite a few years ago and everyone was going crazy about. I think too many parables about talking fish have gotten to their heads, dontcha think? If I am not mistaken the fish talked about Messiah (of course). I don't see how the story could have gotten that big, if I told that over to someone, they would think I'm joking or think I'm crazy. Well, do you believe this story or not, and would you eat this fish if you saw it talking?

ANOTHER RANDOM COLLABORATION

Random thought #1.
According to the halachah that you don't have to return lost texting machines, what happens if: You are walking down the street, all of a sudden you see a nice blue blackberry, on the floor. You pick it up remember the halachah and are not going to return it. The someone comes by and asks, "did you find a black blueberry?" you answer "no", he moves on. Then someone comes over and asks, "did you find a blue blackberry?" you say "yes". The guy says "Well I lost it, it has my name on the back, see it says so and sostein (his name)". So the question is, do you not give it back, or do you chas v'shalom (g-d forbid) give back the tumah (impure) machine?

Rabbi Mike will now try to answer: Well in essence you are doing a mitzvah of hashavos aveidah, plus you might be in sakanos nefoshot ( threat of your life) if you dont. On the other hand, the mitzvah of hashavos aveidah maybe a mitzvah that comes through the aveirah of giving it back (it is wrong to do a mitzvah through an aveirah); also it might be worse to give it back, since he will surely kill himself by using the texting machine. Rabbi Mikes psak is a taiku (will find out when elijah the prophet comes).

Random thought #2.
Another useless invention invented by Kosher Innovations. The Machshavah shocker. Have you ever been sitting kollel, (not learning) or were in the outside world not protected by our inner sphere of influence, and have come across thinking of things not in Torah standards (e.g. buying a non-kosher cell phone). Now there is no need to worry, with the Machshavah shocker, if you think outside of Torah standards you will be immediately shocked with over 500 volts of electricity, enough to stop your heart............. from thinking of all these bad things !!!! fits under your hat. Order today! now with a 3 day guarantee, no refunds

Other posts related to this inventive topic: More great inventions, Introducing the latest in technology.

PESACH CRAZINESS

After seeing this on A mother in Israel, I have decided to post it up, it is found in the Mishpacha magazine. Can you guess how many mistakes, or crazy ideas are in this article?

Sunday. Closets and drawers should be done by now. Focus on the living area. Today, strip beds, vacuum mattresses, wash linens and dust ruffles. Next, vacuum and clean under beds. Daily De-Stressor: Weather permitting, take a ten-minute walk around the block. Breathe in the fresh air. If weather doesn't permit, exercise and energize yourself indoors.

Monday. Window day. Clean all windows and sills thoroughly. If windows have alarms, disconnect the system while cleaning. Take down blinds soak in tub, then rehang. Wash all curtain, shades and window dressings thoroughly. Warning: Don’t take apart window treatments unless you’re sure you can rehang them properly. Daily De-Stressor: A cup of your favorite herbal tea. Inhale the aroma and take your time enjoying every sip. Use this downtime to call a friend, but keep your eyes on the clock.

Tuesday. Now’s the time to wrap up all areas in house aside from the kitchen, living room and dining area. If you have a den, home office, family room, laundry area, guest room, or playroom, clean thoroughly. Daily De-Stressor: Do something that makes you feel good. A bath, a nap, a massage, a sheitel cut. Put on a pretty sweater or enjoy a scoop of your favorite ice cream.

Wednesday. Catch-up day. If you haven’t been able to complete the chores of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, here’s your second chance. Daily De-Stressor: For some it’s Lipa, for others Beethoven. Take a break during your cleaning to listen to a favorite, or keep the CD player on while you work. What a difference it will make!

Thursday. Before Shabbos cooking, take inventory of everything in the cabinets, fridge and freezer. It’s time to use it up. Most of us have extra soups, cakes, desserts, pastas, cereals, mixes, sauces, and all kinds of chometzdike products. Work these into your Shabbos menu. When you finally tackle the kitchen, you’ll be glad you did. Daily De-Stressor: Reading’s the all-time Great Escape. By now, you have probably received next week’s issue of Mishpacha. Put your feet up and enjoy your favorite column.

Congratulate yourself. You’ve accomplished a great deal this week. Finish your Shabbos prep and air out the house. After a week of cleaning, it’s time to let in some fresh air. Daily De-Stressor: Go out. A short visit to a local park, a lake, a favorite bookstore, will do wonders.

If you spotted zero, you are just as crazy as the person who wrote this.
If you spotted 1-3, obviously you werent paying attention when you read it.
If you found 4-6, youre doing okay, but reread it again, its already too many, right?
if you found 7-10, you found a lot, but missing one that I found.
If you got found 11+, you know this persons crazy, if you found more than 11 please tell us what they were.

MEGILLAH READING

Notice: this was supposed to be posted taanit esther, then got pushed off and got pushed off on Purim, again. I was very busy, but its here now.

Everyone is always pumped for the first megillah reading, as if they are supposed get a reward for it, but truth be told there is nothing so special about it.

Everyone crowds into shul, some in their costumes, and some not. Maybe its the fact that everyone, who does have a costume, likes to show off their great costume. Some might have great costumes and think so, some don't have great ones and still think so. But I don't think this is why everyone likes megillah reading; otherwise, you can just have a normal party with everyone bringing their costumes.


Then you have to wait for the megillah reading that you were pumped about, through most of maariv; is this a great way to start off Purim? Okay so now you've started megillah reading, its got a funny tune to it, but its not something to be pumped about, and if you want to bang when the reader says Haman, you still have to wait till the third perek to hear the first one. I don't think that's why people are pumped about it; besides, the fact that you bang a little, there is really nothing to be so pumped about.

Another thing not to be pumped about is that, you hear the same story every year, who wants that. Go tell a five year old the same story every year (he will have to be five for quite a few years) you'll never hear him asking for you tell a story again. Not only that, but you are fasting at this point in time, no one wants to listen to megillah.

This leaves me to realize that the only reason people are pumped about megillah is that everyone is quiet during it; otherwise, you miss a word and aren't yotzei. Who wouldn't like for everyone to be quiet at some point in time, I definitely would like that.

If you have a different reason to be pumped about megillah reading, please share.

THE LAZY WAY OUT

There you are, no not there, oy, look to your left, yes there you are learning with your chavrusa. You have been learning with this chavrusa for a very long time, ever since you came to this place many moons ago (no I am not getting sci-fi on you). You both have learned through most of shas, tanach, and shulchan aruch, including most of the mephorshim. You and your chavrusah, are not like most people in the kollel, you actually learn something. You can say that you and your friend are living the kollel dream.

Everyday your schedule is exactly the same: Daven, learn, break, learn, learn, lunch, learn, mincha, learn, learn and learn some more, maariv at 9:00, go home. You basically are in the kollel pumping your way through the pages of Torah all the time. Your chavrusah has the same schedule as you.

Today is no different from your daily schedule. You start out to daven shachris and then go to learn, break, and learn, learn. At one point you are reading a posuk in chumash, in parshas yisro "sheshes yomim tavod". You look up at your chavrusah and say "I don't remember this being in the chumash" Your chavrusah says "no we have had it many times". You ask " Then I don't understand what it means", your learning partner answers "It means 6 days man should work, its simple to understand". You say "I knew what it meant, I don't understand how g-d can say that MAN should work? women work". Your chavrusah is perplexed and claims he never thought about it.

You then proceed to the head of the Rosh Kollel to ask this question, he answers that we men just don't work. This question still bothers you, If g-d said man should work, its a commandment and we have to work, why don't we. You decide that the kollel life is not the right life to live. You tell your chavrusah that you are leaving and that he should join you. He says maybe kollel is work. You quickly ask "isn't it a halacha that a man shall provide food for his wife?" You then say "I am leaving to do g-ds will, I am on a holy mission, call it jihad". Your friend says "If you leave then I wont learn with you". You say "You cant do that, we have been learning together for ages". Your friend then says "Why are you leaving anyway, when you live the kollel life everything becomes so easy for you, your wife does everything". You reply with "your right, why should I leave, it is easy, and if I do leave everyone will think I modern, or not Jewish at all, I am staying".

you end up continuing this system for the rest of your life, day in and day out. You still live with the question why we don't work, but you suppress it with how easy it is to take the lazy way out.

This story may not happen on such a large scale, but there are people out there who take the lazy/easy way out, and they go through life with this philosophy everyday. Basically, many stay in kollel just to get paid for doing nothing and being lazy.

A ROCKING SHALOM ZACHOR

I was at this sholom zachor a while back. I knew the guy somewhat, and I was in the area, so I went (sorry Moshe not referring to you). I went in, and heard loud, loud singing (off key of course), but they were awesome. They sang just about everything; I believe they were drunk. I said my mazal tov and stuck around a little bit, to marvel at the site.

I have been to many shalom zachor's, none of them had any singing going on like this, if any at all. The atmosphere was pretty light, not like those tense shalom zachors were everyone is afraid to eat anything unless the ba'al simcha forces it down their throat. No, this one was good, the food was almost gone when I came, except the mint chocolate tray.

Things I noticed about a shalom zachor, and at any sort of simcha but especially a shalom zachor, is that there are always the assortments of mint chocolate that no one really like to touch. Some of them are; the jelly ring covered in mint chocolate, the mint chocolate with a disgusting filling, next to that is, the mint chocolate (sort of like a chocolate chip) with the sprinkles on it; no one likes them at all, don't know why everyone buys them.

Also at any simcha you will have the old guy (they tend to be old) who is worried about the children near the drinks (alcohol). As some kid is trying to snatch a cup of Bartenura, or some bad dry wine from Baron Herzog, this guy will say "hey wheres your father, you cant have that" as he snatches the bottle or cup away from the kid. These guys never enjoy the simcha they are at.

Well this shalom zachor was different, none of those old guys (maybe that explains the wild kids), but the mints where there, and it definitely was one shalom zachor to remember.

TO LIFT A CURSE

So there was this lady who wanted her curse to be lifted from upon her soul. She went to a sorcerer to lift the treacherous curse. thw woman paid the sorcerer and left. Turns out the sorcerer did not remove the curse. The woman, upon hearing that her curse was not taken away, decided to sue for her money back, in a civil court. The sorcerer didnt want to have the case in a court governed by the state laws, so the sorcerer pleaded to have it in a Jewish court, so as to not have to pay back (Jewish law is strict against using sorcery, so the sorcerer wouldnt have to pay back). The Judge, a frum jew, did not allow it, saying that the monetary issues are governed by the state, and not jewish law.

This story is actually a true one, and happened recently in Israel. My question is: Would a Jewish court allow the "sorcerer" to keep the money, or would they say that since it was paid for, but wasnt done, you need to pay back? I am not so sure what a Beis din would do.

WHEN JEWISH GEOGRAPHY GOES TO FAR

Your life has sucked for just too long. All your friends just run away. Its time to get back at them. What will you do? You can, either: A) ditch them for new ones B) get a semi automatic gun, throw a huge party inviting all of them, and then mow them down with your new murder weapon, or C) Be so attached to them, they will go nuts. You speculate that B) may result in someone pressing charges, leading to life in prison (only to make new friends there), and C) will annoy the heck out of you. You remembered that; you took a course on how to play game shows and when two out of the three don't fit, it must be the third, so you go with A).

Now you are wondering, how do I make friends the Jewish way. You think for a bit then exclaim "JEWISH GEOGRAPHY!!!" (as the light bulb bursts from on top of your head). So you run into the nearest yeshivah, looking for your first victim. You spot a guy wearing a; white shirt, black hat, dark colored jacket and dark pants. You run to him and ask "where do you learn?" The guy looks at you for a moment, then he overcomes the shock, and says "right here". You say "Oh really... how nice" as you realize that he obviously learns here. You quickly run away thinking, "Hes just an unfriendly fellow".

You find another dude in a white shirt hat and jacket with black pants. You ask him "So where you from?" He says "Who wants to know". You say "I do, so.... do you know so and so, because he was just so weird I had to"..... Yeshivish guy cuts you off and says "I think you are looking for the guy over there". You say "You're a good friend, what do you want to do tomorrow. Should we go out for pizza, or....." The yeshivish looks up from his sefer and says "I seriously think that guy over there is calling you". You are still ignorant to the fact that he wants you to go away, so you continue " I guess will talk it out later, see ya". You then walk over to the guy he said was calling, lo and behold he actually wasn't, you are suprised.

You then walk out of the yeshivah, thinking "Wow I just made a new friend (the guy who told you to walk over to the other guy), and it wasn't that hard". You decide to make another one. You quickly run to the nearest grocery store and stand in the longest line there. You happen to stand next to a woman (its okay). You are about to ask her something but she goes first "Where do you learn, by what Rav". You say "Whats it your business, why do you feel like you have to know what everyone is doing?! sheesh get a life, are you so deprived of people to talk to you run everywhere just to make a friend and ask them stupid questions. I would never want to be you". she says back "well that's not someone I would like to be friends with (okay I'm a little far fetched with that word"friend" but who cares)". You then ask the nearest person where they live.

The story may be weird, but today I was in a bagel store and the guy standing in front of me, who I don't know, says "Hi, hello, how are you doing. So where do you learn? I spill out a "Hi" not knowing what else to say, since he just shot it out so quickly and so out of term. He asks again "where do you learn?". I look at him as if he fell from G-d knows where. I decided to get back at him for saying something so utterly stupid and annoying, "Do you want the truth or a lie" I don't know why I said that. So he says "Oh I understand you don't want to talk". At least he understood. ( you may wonder why I actually felt this to be weird, the answer is the guy came on too strong) A few minutes later he asks "So whats your name" So I say "Dude its enough already, I don't know what you are trying to do but stop!" When he got his stuff and left he looked at me and waved, I nodded my head for some unknown reason. the guy was obviously suffering from lack of friends, and this results in Jewish geography going to far. Don't let this happen to you.

DAMN TERRORISTS

There is a group in Israel, which cant stop to terrorize the people. Week after week, they continually target its citizens. They hide behind the the ones they target, in fact they target their own. They are extremists calling for women to be covered from head to toe. They segregate their own kind. They are a semi unorganized group, only coming to attack briefly and then scurrying away.

The Israeli government despises these people. The government doesn't really know who to contact, to call for a cease fire. The government has been patient with them, and it can not attack, because who are they going to fight against, only civilians. Even if the Israeli government would ask for a cease fire, these ruthless people would never stop. This group is calling for Israel to aid their poor families, and yet they hate the government.

Years of violence; throwing rocks, heavy beatings, all to support their radical views. Will it ever stop? has the U.N. ever condemned these terrorists? They cant take a system that differs from their own, they go all out against it, using all sorts of violence. I call for a rally against these people. Their children are being taught from a young age, to hate anything that's not like them. In my eyes (not theirs) its sickening; men beating up women, which is morally wrong, all for not dressing up to their standards. Is this not a crazy people? Do they not leach from the government they hate? The answer to all this is a big YES, and these terrorists wont be stopped till crushed. These terrorists I am referring to, are Charedi. Yeah that's right, you'll see all those categories fit with them. Are their intentions that much different from radical Muslims?

Okay, so I might be going a little overboard here.