Its a large world out there

You know that saying "its a small world after all" well its wrong. The world is a large place full of things to do and people to meet, and I don't need some guy I just met to tell me its a small world after hearing we know the same people, dude its a small frummie world not a small everyone world..

Yes its a large world, and I was living it for the past week and a half, finding no time to blog at all. A lot has happened since I left, Tu b'shvat came and went, I was planning on writing about how no one really celebrates it and it gets lost in the sphere of influence the next two holidays have. One fact about Tu b'shvat while were in the subject, more people opted to plant a tree in the game of farmville in honor of tu b'shvat this year then really planting a tree.

Also there was an earthquake in Haiti which I did briefly write about, but what I failed to mention is that some Frum Jewish people (not the ones that went to help) are showing signs of joining the JKK or Jew Klux Klan. Its outright disgusting that some people are Happy, that's right, happy about the destruction and death of non Jews who have not wronged them in anyway. I was ready to blow up at some of these people, but its a useless argument they're never gonna get it straight, years of distortion have got them were they are and one rant isn't gonna change it.

Well now that Ive lived life for a week or so its time to hibernate and blog again till some warmer weather comes along, maybe I'll pick up jogging in the morning to keep me going or that groundhog better show up soon..... or not show up, does anybody know which one makes spring come earlier and when is groundhog day?

Just A Few Thoughts

Don't you find it funny that there are all these little things in life that contradict each other, isn't it funnier when its the big things in life.

YU had a whole convention for the coming out of the closet gay frum Jews. Then every single chareidi rabbi condemns it and there are a bunch of words like abomination going around. YU is targeted and called a Toeivah institution, this causes more hate on it from the frummie community. Here's the funny part, Yeshiva University only had a conference about gay Jews, but yet when the Frum Community is faced with actual acts of sexual abuse they cover it up and hide it for fear that the yeshivos will close down or that chas v'shalom a family name should be ruined. It sickens me that there are people out there that can ruin a persons life mentally, completely destroying it and having the victims lose their sense of self, feeling isolated, and having to undergo years of therapy just to get back to normal, and yet the Jewish community hardly gives a damn. When it comes to a discussion on Toeivah they scream and riot and whatever. Tell me whats the real abomination here it doesnt take a genius.

Kosher Innovations That Didnt Make It

Over the years KI has made inventions that have astounded the Jewish world. The most famous being the kosher lamp and toilet paper. Some less famous ones include the mitzvah muzzle and lashon hara gag. But there were some ideas that were rejected or just never caught on.

Tznius leg warmers were one of the items that never made it. Being that regular leg warmers resemble pants they decided to make it a one piece that wrapped around both legs instead of two separate ones for two separate feet. It never caught on due to the inability to walk in them.

Purple Ketchup. Who remembers purple ketchup? Yes the KI institution of frumology came up with this one. We know that red is an immodest color. If you like being bleached then hop on over to meah she'arim wearing red, they will be more than happy to shower you in bleach. So instead of the usual immodest ketchup they turned it purple. The purple Ketchup hit its climax when it made its way into McDonald's happy meals. That's when Kosher Innovations decided their product is to kosher to make it to a non-kosher place, and they pulled it from the shelves never to be seen again.

The Umbrella Hat. The hat that could be used for davening and acts as an umbrella when you cant carry one on shabbos. This too never caught on for various reasons that included it looking ridiculous.

The Talis Kattan Bag. "We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item over night. Available with name tags (this is from last years post)". Well as much as they thought it would catch on like the talis bag, it didn't and they aborted this one too.

There are probably many more of inventions like these that I don't know of. They feel rejected and hurt because no one wants them. I'm just voicing them to others out there, because maybe they too will one day become like their role model inventions such as the Kosher Phone, Kosher lamp, Tefillin sweater and others.

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

OLD TIME RABBIS ON MODERN ORTHODOXY

I met an old Rabbi recently, a nice guy who taught in a yeshiva somewhere (I don't remember where) very friendly. We talked for a little after Maariv. He seemed to have a world of wisdom in the form of stories for just about every topic, as only an old timer could.

Somewhere along the conversation we hit the topic of orthodoxy/yeshivas. He told me that there is a difference between a good boy in a "yeshivishe" yeshiva and one in a modern orthodox one. He went onto explain that in a yeshivishe yeshiva a good boy is one that learns at any given moment he has and has respect for his elders. I was wondering exactly what he was going to say for a good modern orthodox boy, but I had no idea he was going to say what he said. He said that in a modern orthodox yeshiva a good boy is (take a sip of a drink near you and hold) one who doesn't watch TV on shabbos (now spit the drink out real quickly) .

I was taken aback for a minute, like I said last paragraph I wasnt ready for this kind of answer. I didnt know what to say, do I tell him youre wrong? do I bring honestly frum over? he obviously has the wrong perception about modern orthodox. Modern Orthodoxy is far from watching TV on shabbos, I dont know where he could have came to think this. I figured he just doesnt know what modern orthodox is, he probably meant reform (which wouldnt fit into a good reform kid not watching TV on shabbos because the "good" think its okay to a lot of things, but either way).

I am just posing a question out there, do you think all old rabbis think this way or its just a mistake or a fluke in this one rabbi? Comment what you think or we will never know.

CELEBRATE OR I ALWAYS DO

Thanksgiving is a holiday that everyone in America is proud to celebrate. They share it with family, with friends, it's a very joyous time of year and marks the beginning of the crazy shopping season. Movies and TV shows all depict this time of year as the one were we gather together.

Everything is perfect for anyone in America around this time of year, except for us frum folk. Nope, we have something against weird little poems about pilgrims coming across the pond and eating turkey with Indians. We have a problem with celebrating the giving of thanks on a special day for some reason, some of us say "Why should I make a holiday to give thanks when I give thanks all the time", believe me the ones saying this don't give thanks all the time. Others say that we shouldn't celebrate it because its a goyish holiday, which it isn't its American, and you are allowed to add holidays to the Jewish calendar for those of you who think we can't. Many of us decide that we don't want any of that warm family and friendly feeling on the last Thursday of November, we don't want to realize all that we have around us to be thankful for, that we live in a country were we are free to practice are religion, free to have Israeli day parades, to have protection for us on our high holidays (that's right cops do protect us) and all other littler reasons that pertain to each of us.

Last year I put out 10 things I am thankful for, maybe if frum Jews would write a list they would have more appreciation for thanksgiving, instead of just shrugging it off as another goyish holiday.

WORKING OUT

People need to exercise its a known fact, it helps you move, lose weight, helps cardiovascular system, and does many other things to help maintain a healthy state. Many people exercise, including Frum and goyim alike.

The way to jog, goyim: Jogging is one such way is to exercise. You can see throughout the early hours people jogging just about anywhere. On street corners they will be bouncing around on their expensive sneakers waiting for the light to change and start moving somewhere again. They get out there sweat bands and sweat jackets with their Poland spring "to go bottles" to keep themselves fit.

The way to jog, frummie (woman): They don't actually jog because that's not tznius so they power walk. Unlike the jogger who goes alone, the frummie woman power walk in groups that take up the whole sidewalk while catching up on the latest gossip, or while setting up shidduchim. They don't have special clothes, no sweat bands, no sweaters, just tichel or turban with cheap white sneakers, its always done in the morning. Very common on ocean parkway.

Lifting weights, Goyim: Usually done by guys with massive muscles, either they bench press the weights or they lift it from the ground above their heads, simple.

Lifting weights, Frummie: Usually done by a guy in a talis who everyone thinks has to be really strong just to do hagba. That's right, Hagba is considered this great big thing almost impossible task and only Shimshon like people could possibly manage to lift a scroll into the air, and it gets worse on simchas torah with the whole flipping idea.
Then there is the lifting of people by weddings, bar mitzvahs don't count because the kid is too lightweight. Mainly done as a group workout, but occasionally done by one specific person who puts them on his shoulders.

This is the difference between Jews working out and goyim, some say its a great thing that we are distancing ourselves from the goyim, others don't believe half of this counts as workouts. If you have any ideas to put, we are open to hear them in the comments section, titled "# agave their 2 cents", which now has word verification to prove you are human due to spam comments.

IM STILL WAITING

Its been over a year now since Obama was elected, and all is fine, well almost. The world is still running, there is no universal wars, I can still live a normal life with the liberty to practice my religion. Who could have thought that we could go a whole year since he was elected without having one of these things, oh wait I thought so, but there were those who didnt.

Flashback to a year ago. Remember people were holding tehillim rallies so he wont be elected, others were fasting hoping hashem will rip up the bad decree. I remember people telling me a lot of things, many weird things, they are going to leave the country and move to monsey, or kiryas yoel was just one of them. Others predicted 2012 to happen early with proofs from prophecies of the neviim, Zohar, Chumash, Gemorrah, or any other sort of Jewish work, and it was quite funny to see how they would try to prove it. They would tell me "If you take this letter from here and add it to this one here multiplied by that it equals Obama". At first I would be perplexed as to why they chose such a random order to prove something when I could do that with anything, they should have used a system that at least had a pattern. Then I would ask "Okay you proved it says Obama somehow, now how does that prove he is the cause of the end of the world?" a smart person wouldn't answer, dumb ones said things along the lines of "Hitler had that whole youth program and Obama is working on one" (oh so that's why Obama wanted to speak to kids in school (sarcasm sarcasm)).

And yet it has been a year, Obama is president and Mashiach isn't here, nor are people running to different countries like they promised, and I'm still waiting for the testimonies of some to come true, who wants to wait with me.

JUDAISMS NEXT TOP MAIDEL

A new reality TV series on the all Jewish network Shidduch Central, has become all the rave among orthodox TV watchers, much like the hot game show Magen David. Judaisms Next Top Maidel is an intense show that features 12 Jewish girls who are competing to become Judaisms most talked about single. The girls go through a series of competitions that requires them to look their best in black and without any makeup. They are rated by a panel of rabbis who wont look at them, to determine who will be the next top maidel.

There are some who object to this show, too much gossip is emanating from it. Last week we left off with 5 contestants, when Batsheva was eliminated she had this to say "(Sobbing with tears coming down her eyes) I... I... I tried my hardest (sob) and I just didn't make the cut, I guess next time I need to have more bitachon in hashem. Baruch Hashem at least now I'll be able to see my family again (sob)." This lead to many blogs and the Jew S Weekly to promote gossip about her, saying that Batsheva had went into a serious depression and was now outside the box for potential shidduch matches, this only enraged those who dslike the show.

The show still seems to be a big hit among many despite the objection by some. It just seems to have everything, drama, like when Sarah got into a big fight with Esther because they both wore the same shade of black, and of course it has the private interviews with people getting really emotional for no reason. All this adds up to the most watched show on Shidduch Central.

Judaism Next Top Maidel airs Wednsdays at 8:00 O'clock eastern time right after the eveniing news with YWN.

A frummie love story part 1: Waiting for something that couldnt be

Oh shoots, its November 3rd and I haven't even started my novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). If you ask me I really don't expect to finish this novel in a month, but give me sometime and I might be able to get in by next years NaNoWriMo, you wont tell anybody I started a year earlier right? what you will!... fine be that way. Okay enough of that here it goes.

WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT COULDN'T BE

Chana had been in shidduchim for a while, with little success. She had been through countless men who seemed to fit out on paper, Black hat, in yeshiva, will learn in kollel, but it never went passed date 2. She had been to many shadchanim of every type, but to no avail, something just made her turn them down. Chana's mother Penina, a very worrisome person like most Jewish mothers, had all sorts of suspicions as to why nothing was working out. Everything from looks and Ayin Har'a to maybe her daughter is an atheist went through her head. But in reality Chana knew the real reason why it wasn't working out.


It wasn't that Chana didn't like anyone she was setup with she was okay with everyone, but they were missing something she was looking for. Chana had a vision that wasn't from g-d, of the perfect bochurel for her. She had envisioned a man, a bochur in hat and shining (dimming) jacket who will come out of his Yeshivish car (off his horse) and read Shir hashiurim to her, or any other sort of Jewish poetry, while she was on her porch leaning over listening intently to the words to come out of his mouth. He would be the kindest boy out there, anyone who met him would become friends with him instantly, he'd be sweet and as romantic as frummies can get. To most this would be all but a dream, a fantasy that would never come true, but to Chana it was a reality something she hoped and longed for.

But this "reality" had a time limit, Chana was nearing the ripe old age of 22, a time were most girls were already celebrating their sons upsherin, Chana was feeling left behind and needed to do something fast. Shadchanim had told her that she sets the bar to high, that she had to lower her expectations from whatever it is she wanted, or she will never get married. This hurt Chana, having to deal with the fact that she might never have that angel of a chosson. Her FFB BFF (Frum From Birth Best friend 4ever) Rivky, the only one who knew about Chana's fantasy, was half heartedly supporting her dream. On one hand the dream was great, but on the other it was unrealistic and wont ever happen.

There were countless nights Chana went to sleep crying, hoping, praying and waiting, and every morning she would wake up with a wet pillow and a broken heart still yearning for that for her other half. Yet, somehow she would have this feeling of "its gonna happen soon don't worry", run through her, giving her an emotional boost, and she would function like a normal person for another day till the cycle repaeats itself.

Part 2: OBSTACLES TO PASS

Studies on YWN and VIN commenters

VIN and YWN have been the source of ridicule amongst the Jewish websites. It seems that if anyone is poking fun of any site its usually one of these two. It has come into question as to why people cant help but laugh at whats written in their comment sections, and post them up on blogs and Facebook profiles.

A recent study done by the National Committee for Spotting Stupidity (NCSS) came to prove the theory that the commentators on YWN and VIN are completely blind sighted when it comes to reading the news. Their lack of respect for fellow commentators has been shocking, at any given point in a day there is hate, and coffee, being spilled in their coffee rooms. Many have come to call other commentators such terms as, Shygetz, Anti-semite, Goy, Nazi, Mashiach stopper, and Shygetze mashiach stopping goy, and many more such terms. But the hate is not the only thing bringing people from all walks of Judaism to laugh at these sites, The NCSS has taken a poll that has shown that the average VIN commenter has a stupidity rating of 67% that is light years above the stupidity of the national commenting average which stands at 38%. But what is even more shocking about the NCSS's study is that the average YWN commenter is 12 points ahead in stupidity compared to a VIN commenter, YWN stands at a whopping 79% in stupidity, an earth shattering point.

After hearing these latest announcements from the NCSS a YWN commenter had this to say "What can we do? we Frum Jews are removed from society, its the non frum Jews who should have better morals" and when asked what happened to being a light onto nations he responded with "Its all because we done have a strict enough tznius level, if only we were to wear cardboard boxes we would be passed this nisayon, hashem yirachem. I better give two dollars to kupat ha'ir so this halachah can be passed and our yeshua can come".

With the mystery out of the way we can only look to the future to tell us if they will be stupid and keep to what they are doing, or they will find a more civilized and less foolish way to comment, being that they have such high stupidity rate their chances look bleak.

THE KOSHER BOOKS ARE ON THEIR WAY

Remember when I made a kosher Harry potter, with kaballah and kishuf instead of magic called Chaim Snyder. I thought it was the most original idea I ever had, I even gave you a few reasons why they might make the new Chaim Snyder series, just for fun. Now I don't know if my post sparked someones imagination or they thought of it first, but they are coming out with a new Kosher Sherlocke Holmes book.

Now this is the truth, I'm not making this stuff up a kosher version of Sherlocke Holmes so Jewish boys can read it. I don't know anything about it, it could very well be that he uses gemaros to solve a mystery, or that he asks a wise rabbi and he gives him the answer through ruach hakodesh, or he goes for the old school style and uses a magnifying glass, I'm not sure what they'll do to make it kosher.

What bothers me is that they actually think there is something wrong with the Sherlocke Holmes of old, I didn't find anything wrong with any of his books besides for the fact that he smokes a pipe, talks to women not behind a mechitzah and has an assistant called doctor and not gabbai, okay maybe that is a reason to change the book.

As of now I cant find any links to this story, if I find I'll update.

INTERESTING NEWS

Good evening I am your host Mike In Midwood. In tonight's news the global chain store Gap has sold one of its top and most expensive branches, Banana Republic, to a Jewish organization made up of rabbis know as Agudath Yisroel. The offer was made by the rabbis after they noticed that there were many orthodox Jews who shopped there often, one anonymous rabbi was reported saying "Its ah shandah dat dey buy frum dis Banana Republic, bananas are meant for monkeys and dats for de shvartzes you see on de street". The new frum chain store, Rabbinical Republic, will sell only expensive black clothing (the picture shows the manikins). The designer of the new chain store told us in an exclusive interview, ".... There will be so many different styles of black it will blow your mind...". The new Frum store will be opening up worldwide next z'man.

In other news (straightens stack of papers), Kosher Innovations has made your commute to the city just a little more kosher. The idea came up as coworkers, at the KI main building on 13th ave. in Boro Park, were brainstorming as to what to do for all the people who don't drive to work, and therefore don't use a kosher GPS to guide them, how will they get to work kosherly? One of the coworkers told us how it went down, "We just couldn't figure out what other useless item we can innovate, then someone mentioned Kosher subway cars, and we all jumped over the idea". The new Kosher subway cars, much like the kosher GPS, will feature a male voice, instead of a woman's and a mashgiach to make sure the car stays kosher. The male voice will be used to tell you which stop is next and to stay clear of the closing doors (please). The idea is being tossed around the MTA as of now, and is said that if the new subway cars come in the fare will be hiked up another 25 cents.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.

This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

Things that pissed me off last week.

You may not know it but there were a few things that pissed me off last week, and probably you too. I'm not talking about simple things like, why I cant find a parking spot within a one block radius, or why you cut me off, or even why my thumb cant fit into a normal sized bowling ball, I'm talking about bigger things that haven't only affected me.

I got pissed off last week when I heard that a bunch of Jews decided to do some stealing and tax evasion. Ive been saying it for a long time, the last thing we need is a chilul hashem and yet there they go. "But wait you're allowed to steal to support Torah, right? so they did nothing wrong" said a commenter of yeshiva world news, but the answer is no you are not allowed to steal for torah, its a mitzvah that came through an aveirah (which is an aveirah if you didn't know). And you know what I think? I think that they should all go to jail and serve their sentence because they deserve it, and I wont be like another commenter that said they should have their trial in the month of adar and not av, because av is a bad month for Jews and having the trial now will cause them to lose the trial. So why did it piss me off? it didn't affect me? Ill answer that with a question, "did you get pissed of at madoff and his scandal?" the answer is yes, same here.

Another thing that pissed me off this week was a letter printed in the mishpachah magazine. It was condemning Reb Elyashiv for praying for gilad shalit. I know this is hard to hear for all of you that joined groups on Facebook and twitter in support of gilad but the person writing it said that he thinks it's wrong to pray for him to be released, because Israel will give up many captured terrorists in exchange for him. For the person who decided to write that letter to mishpachah I have two things to say; one is, if you were gilad you wouldn't be thinking that way, and two is that one Jewish life is priceless and it doesn't matter how many terrorists you give up (although we try to lessen the amount).

Yeah those were the things that pissed me off last week, cant see who it wouldn't. On a side note have an easy and meaningful fast.

CHAIM SNYDER

Ever since the creation of Harry Potter, the Jewish world has gone into a frenzy. This has happened for many reasons; some say that the book is inappropriate for Jewish minds, others say its because a non Jew wrote it, and some rabbis say that people might come to say accio TV remote, which would then be practicing kishuf (black magic), but the majority of rabbis agree that its because if you read the book you will then want to see the movie, and movies are assur. But what ever the reason is all, rabbis are against it and there seems like there is nothing they can do to stop the potter frenzy. That is until they decided to come out with their own book, or shall I say sefer, called Chaim Snyder.


The new series is about a boy by the name of Chaim Snyder, who was kidnapped by a bunch of christian priests and brought up christian (the priests killed his parents). When he becomes 13 years old he gets a visit from a rabbi, who was sent to find him before his bar mitzvah and tell him he was Jewish. Chaim then embraces Judaism and is sent to a top yeshivah in Israel where he is supposed to learn. Over there in Israel he makes new friends who are very into kabalah. He becomes very "good" (what ever that means) at kabalah and can perform unnatural things, or nisim. Just as he is having a great time in Israel, there rises a new pope who has the power of kishuf, the pope is also making a visit to Israel very soon. Chaim and his friends decide to stop this pope. On their way they have to fight through phony fortune tellers, and Israeli taxi drivers to stop the pope..... sorry I cant give the whole story away, but the new pope was the one who killed Chaims parents in the beginning.


This is the new sefer the rabbis hope is going to combat the awful harry potter series, also the rabbis wont allow it to be made into a movie. In my opinion the new book is only going to be a hit for those who didn't read harry potter, because it was assur.

THE FOURTH OF JULY

I really wish that Americas independence day came on Sunday this year and not shabbos, all the things I normally do on a 4Th of July could be done without having to break shabbos...... actually if I think about it there is nothing I do special on independence day. I don't invite my whole family and make a BBQ, I don't sing the national anthem or go to a Nathans hot dog contest, I really don't celebrate the biggest day in our nations history. I guess I have the frummie mentality of "we don't celebrate goyish holidays and yom ha'atzmut".

But im not lost yet there is one thing I did that I have always liked, the fireworks shows. I used to go near the toys R us spot, where most people do tashlich, less commonly known as Caesar's bay, but they stopped showing it there. Then I heard that the boardwalk at coney island had some, but they too stopped, the last place around is the Macy's fireworks show, and that's on the east river too far for me on a motzei shabbos.

If anybody does know a place where they celebrate our country by blowing a piece of it up, please tell me, or I wont be doing anything special for our country.

DO YOU 613?

Me: "...whats you email address"
Them: "blahblahblah613@yahoo.com"

Why is it that frummies always put in a 613, representing all the commandments, into their email address or IM account? I'm sure you know someone with a 613 at the end of their address. It could be the most random things stuck together with a 613, for example; doughnuts613@gmail.com or a name, Jack613@yahoo.com, or a personality, aidel613 (for an IM account), or even a JewsforJesus613@yahoo.com. I don't know why people pick 613 out of all the special numbers that there are, why not 7 for shabbos, or 8 for a bris, or 3 and 4 for the matriarchs and patriarchs, (yes, I got all the special numbers from the famous passover song).

Do they do it as a heter to be on the Internet? As long as they are reminded of the 613 mitzvos then they can be on the Internet all they want, and the Rabbonim will be so proud of them. Or is it for potential shidduchim? "Hey Chaim, scroll down a little, look a something@613, she has to be in your shidduch range".

Its gotten so far that you can find it in Jewish children's books, where a girl went off the "D" and now has a Gmail account with a 613 at the end (just goes to show you how off the "D" she really was), and then she gets some kiruv from her friends and everyone lives heimishly ever after.

I myself am thinking about changing my email address to mikeinmidwood613@yahoo.com, anyone else want to join?

A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

POP GOES THE FRUMMIE

Is it just me, or did most frum girls decide to place a bump in their hair? I don't get it why would someone want to place a bump in their hair? I can see wanting to make your hair long, curly, straight, short, tie it up in a knot, use a clip, shave your head bald, but a bump is just weird. Besides the fact that it doesn't look good to begin with, what made frum girls decide to bump up their hair. Is there a ban on hair longer than 2 feet and they just bunch it up instead? or (chas v'shalom) its a real style? Can someone please explain.

KOLLEL-OPOLY

From the makers of the hit game Jewish Geography, comes the new game of Kollel-opoly. PB (Pollack Brothers) have come out with numerous games that represent the Jewish lifestyle, the game of life being one of them (includes the shidduch crisis and all). The Pollack Brothers were thought to have made a knock off of the original game monopoly, but they specifically said kollel-opoly had nothing to do with it.

How to play: There are up to 8 players, and 8 pieces; A black hat, a jacket, a no lace shoe, a white shirt, a yeshivishe car, one female (modestly dressed) and other such characters. Each player starts off at NU MOVE IT ALREADY (GO), where each player, as they go around the board, will collect their 200$ kollel paycheck for the month. Each player spins the dice, and whatever number it says on the dice, that's how many spaces you move. Don't worry, there is a mechitzah that lines the board to accommodate the one female player, so as to coincide with halachah.

Buying Yeshivos: To buy Yeshivos, for example: the highest priced yeshivah is Beis Medrash Gevoah or BMG (the equivalent to boardwalk) is priced at 400$. If you have a set of yeshivos in one area you can make the tuition higher for the yeshivos, just simply buy coffee rooms (houses), if you have bought 5 coffee rooms, you exchange it for a Dormitory (hotel), this increases the price of tuition in your yeshivos.

Kollel, Free parking, and go to kollel: Kollel (equivalent to Jail) you can make transactions through kollel (remember you have bluetooth and a blackberry). To get out of Kollel (chas v'shalom) you must pay a minimum fee of 50$ kinas, you may then leave next turn, you can stay in kollel up to three turns (you have to go home to your wife sometime, although not recommended). Free parking; lucky you, you don't live in Brooklyn, you cheap Jew always looking to find free parking. Go to Kollel; when you land on this space you must go directly to kollel and do not collect 200$ monthly kollel paycheck.

Children's tuition (equivalent to income tax): When you land on this space, you can either pay 200$ or you can pay 10% of your money to the yeshiva (of course you cant pay all the tuition, you're in kollel)

Wife Expenses (equivalent to luxury tax): When landing on this space you pay 75$ automatic to the bank.

Mazal and communities chest (that's right, take all the community funds for your kollel lifestyle): If you land on one of these spaces you pick up a card. Some may tell you "the community put pressure on you to learn and not work, go directly to kollel do not collect 200$ kollel paycheck" or "shvigger dies you inherit 100$" or "section 8 govt fund didn't come this month, pay for each yeshiva 100$ (remember yeshivos are in basements)" or "Rav gives you brachah you had children, pay 100$ hospital fee" or "tzedakah collector comes by and gives you sob story, pay 15$ (poor tax)".

Coffee works, Electric company, and Cities (equivalent to railroads): The cities are Kiryas yoel, Williamsburg, Lakewood and Bnei brak. The cities combine to make a big impact when together, same for coffee works ( to run your coffee rooms, obviously) and electric company (you aint paying the bill).

The object of the game is to live in a kollel lifestyle, and yet still manage to own the whole board. Have fun playing.

If you have any questions, any suggestions for a future game, or in need of more information visit us at PBJews.com