Another Edition of Mike Tonight

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In frum news, a new wave of people in Israel have been living by segulos for everything they need. They have been reported to "dial a Yeshua" for all their basic needs from the organization called Kupat Ha'ir, and have tried everything else to get help besides pray to g-d for it. As one "Segulaist" said, "Why pray when a rabbi can promise you anything, think of it as a genie with a beard".

Although not everybody is happy with this lack of faith in g-d. Many are disgusted that the more radical Segulaists don't even attend shul anymore. Others are more disgusted that people wont use shadchans anymore and rather rely on a segula to get married instead. One shadchan poured out her heart to us "(sob) its just.... its just that I love manipulating people into going out with each other (choke, sob) why wont they let me continue (sob) lets just ban segulos".

In a even more recent report, the Segulaists have pretty much broken off from mainstream orthodoxy, and even have cult like behaviors. Just this past motzei shabbos they had a gathering in the forest of Jerusalem behind yad v'shem. We had are very own David Spiegler there to report the story. David Spiegler: "Yes Mike, as you can see (no you cant this is bloggeradio) behind me there are havdalah candles lit all over and about 400 people dancing around making Indian noises and showering in the havdalah wine and some even going as far as to wash there clothing in it. To onlookers it seems like a cult ritual that includes immersing in wine, but we spoke to one of the group leaders who organized it and she had this to say".

Group leader Avigayil Sidorov (spoken with a heavy Israeli accent): "We are not a cult of any sort, although it might look like it due to the candles lit and the bathing in havdalah wine, but in actuality we are just performing the well known segula of taking the havdalah wine and putting it on your forehead. Its just that over time people put it on their eyes to purify them and in their pockets so they can get money for the coming week, so we decided to just dip our whole selves in it and we will cover everything, and we wash our clothing in it so we don't miss any pockets or any other segulos".

David Spiegler: Despite their intentions, Mike, it seems like a real cult. Back to you in Midwood I'm David Spiegler.

Me: Thank you David, in other frum news there was an earthquake in Haiti killing 200,000 and leaving many with out homes and others trapped under the rubble.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.
This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

Pizza Store Conversations

Some people go to a Starbucks to drink coffee and get wifi so they can keep up with every ones lives on twitter or facebook. Others get the coffee and wonder about what everyone else is thinking. I'm telling you that if you really want to know what others are thinking and/or want to get the latest buzz on someones life then walk into a Brooklyn pizza store, its as simple as that.

It just so happens to be that this very concept was rudely thrust into my face when I went for pizza the other day with an acquaintance. I sat down behind a guy, probably in his late 20's early thirties, talking to his mother. I didn't even have to turn around to try and figure out what he was talking about or check his status to find out whats the big issue in his life, he simply told me. Okay not really told me, but he said it loud enough for anyone to hear, so its as if he told me.

Me and my acquaintance didn't feel like hearing about his whole life, but this is how it went. He was arguing with his mother over his fathers estate, although it didn't sound like his father was dead yet. He went on to explain how his father treats him like dirt and doesn't invite him to football games. His mother tried telling him that that's not true, but he knew the truth. At one point they were talking about someone else who they knew and did not have a father, and somehow loud mouth in a pizza shop didn't want to "share" his own father with someone else. His mother tried to convince him that this guy needs a father, to which he persistently said " I have a father why should I give up mine to help him out just because he doesn't have one, its not my fault". At this point me and my acquaintance were scratching our heads, didn't he just say that his father treats him like dirt? It went on and on, constantly arguing back and forth on every single subject about family and money to doctors, lawyers and psychologists, and that wasn't the mother boasting about of her sons accomplishments. My acquaintance was speculating about telling them to just shut up because no one wants to hear it, I said I would take a video if he did for proof, it didn't happen in the end and we just left. We did try to make our own little argument to hint to them that arguing in public is rude, and that didn't work too well.

Ahem, right, so getting back to the point if you really want to do what it is i wrote in the opening paragraph, then a Brooklyn pizza store is the place. Do you have any stories of weird conversations you might have been forced to listen to? do tell.

Merry Nittel Nacht

Warning: very stereotypical, well the beginning at least.

Tonight is the night that people don't learn but cut up toilet paper, eat Chinese food and watch all the new movies before the Christians can. Its Nittel Nacht, and to go with it a story.

Once upon a time there was an old Jew with a very Jewish nose, reaching about four inches off his face. He was extremely ungenerous to all the Christians who would ask him for charity upon the coming of Nittel Nacht. When he wouldn't give them they would ask "Where is your Nittel Nacht spirit?" which he would answer "Bah, Hanukkah" in a grumpy old voice.

It twas the night of Nittel, and all were not touching the Talmud or any other source of Judaic learning, including the old Jew, Ben Ezra Gold, when came upon the door was Eliyahu Hanavi. The old Jew asked "Who is it that disrupts me while I chop up toilet paper, better not be those stupid carolers. Bah, Hanukkah". Eliyahu answered "It is I the prophet". Eliyahu came to the old Jew to tell him you will be visited by three malachim (angels) tonight. One would be the Malach of what already happened, the next would be the malach of Achshav (hebrew for now), and the next would be the Malach of what will be. The old Jew said to Eliyahu Hanavi "What have I done to deserve such holy treatment?" to which Eliyahu Hanavi answered "Well if you think its holy treatment then I guess they wouldn't be of help too you either way".

So Eliyahu the prophet left the old Jew Ben Ezra Gold, and called off the three malachim, and there never was a whole long journey where he finds out about himself and changes his ways like all the good Nittel Nacht Carols do. Life moved on and the old Jew ate the Chinese food in peace, and stayed grumpy to all the gentile children, and he knew how to keep Nittel Nacht well if any man alive possessed the knowledge to do so for all the years to come.

Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

MA'ARIV PAINS

Tonight I went to shul for ma'ariv. It started out slow and then kept dragging on and on. I normally don't want a long ma'ariv but I wont complain about it either, but that's usually, tonight was different. From the beginning of Ve'hu rachum till the end of Aleinu was pure agony.

I usually take a little bit longer than the chazan when it comes to saying shema as so with most of the prayers, I always wonder does the chazan say every word? or does he mumbles through it. Tonight, like I said, was different not only did I finish before the chazan but I was waiting for the chazan to say hashem aleikechem emes. I had this big urge to whistle real loud (the one with your fingers in your mouth, not that I can do it) and shout "get moving already", I held myself back. Oh I didn't tell you the chazan was finished and I had no clue what he was waiting for, the messiah? maybe. In the end I made it through and I was okay.

I find it interesting that there could be shuls which stress the slow ma'ariv, and yet in the morning they have what I call "speedy ganshachris (gonzalez) minyanim" or Matzah Minyans (because they have to end in 18 minutes). I like my shuls consistent, either they have long everything (not that i'd go to this shul) or fast everything, you have to choose.

NOBAMA

Recently our beloved "left moderate" president was asked by a fourth grader "Why does everybody hate you?". A funny question you might ask a president, ain't it? I am wondering how the kid found the courage to ask him altogether. Of course Obama gave him a bogus answer along the lines of "People like me because I was voted in, but they blame the president because its a bad economy not that its his fault". Despite Obamas answer, the nation does seem to hate him, his approval ratings have been moving just like the stock market, down. From last weeks ratings he only has 52% of the country approving of what he's done, that's down from 67 percent on his inauguration day, it never went higher.

It happens to be that I have Obama's book, the biography, I don't know why he has a biography already if he isn't near old age, wouldn't you want to get his life into the book, its a biography, half his life isn't even over. I didn't want to read it from the start it looked boring, maybe he is boring too. His book may have been a bestseller but three anti-Obama books have also made it to the tops, just goes to show what the people really favor.

Recently my friend and I were in a library when we saw a movie about Obama, I asked my friend if he wanted to see it, to which he replied "No way man I don't want to waste my time" and could you believe my friend declined when we saw it was a two disc special! I couldn't believe he turned it down. I can only conclude that people don't care about Obama and they despise his presence in the white house. Besides that, you know how many racists there are out there that just don't like him because hes black? I know a few (I'm still waiting for the 7 pesukim in neviim that have obamas name in it to bring mashiach).

Although Obama does have a point, people did vote for him so some must like him. To this we can say, when people voted for him he was portrayed as a moderate left winger who had ideas about bringing two parties together and finding solutions that were a little lefty, and he said that Israel has a right to defend itself (then he went to the Arabs and said they should have Jerusalem), but that person wasn't voted into office, what made its way into office was a socialist who blamed America for everything and denied Israel its right to building in its own infrastructure, that is not who people voted for. Now you can say that people don't like Obama even though they voted for him, because he wasn't voted in for what he holds but for what we thought he holds.

Here's what should have been answered to the kid in fourth grade "yes you're right, people don't like me, I have done little to nothing to help our economy and my ideas are too socialist for this country. There are people out there that like me from other countries, but they like me only because I trashed America, our country. So the answer to your question boy is they don't like me because I don't fit with this special country, if I was leader for a different country they would love me because thats were I fit, But not here".

GET OUT YOUR DOLLARS BECAUSE THIS WORKS

It was a just few weeks ago, you were coming out of a bakery with a pound of sugar and a danish, you stepped into your car only to find a cop writing you a ticket for parking by a meter without any minutes left. The cop was about to put it on your windshield, you began to worry, you desperately needed to somehow stop this treachery from happening, you quickly think, "if the ticket doesn't make it to the windshield it really isn't finalized and you don't have to pay for it". You decide to take action, you jump out of you car quickly and try to snatch the ticket from the cops hand, but nothing is the cops hand. You look under your wiper and the ticket is already there "dam" you think as an annoyed and shocked expression hits your face.

You walk over to the cop, who has already moved onto other cars, with the ticket gripped firmly in hand. You begin to protest, you cry that this ticket is not fair, you were just about to pull out, its chutzpah and then you reclaim its not fair. The cop begins to ask you to come down and tells you that you were wrong and they aren't going to take back the ticket. You begin to shout and stomp your feet like a little four year, you would have threatened that your tatty is a policeman and can shoot him but that would be kind of stupid saying it to a cop. You decide to kick the cop, big mistake because you are now on the ground with handcuffs behind your back. You continue ranting while the cop calls for backup.

Backup finally comes, they search you for weapons and all sorts of weird things. They then decide to check your car after you stupidly gave them the idea to. As they are looking through they find your danish, which they enjoy, and your pound of sugar which alarms them, they believe its drugs although it says pound of sugar, and off you are to the holding cell.

You have every right to remain silent and they actually tell you to shut up quite a few times but you know better. They told you all the things they are pressing charges for; assault of an officer, not paying a ticket, and for acquiring drugs. It dawns upon you that you aren't getting out of this with your smart mouth. You overheard them saying that they are going to test the pound of sugar to check if its drugs. You quickly decide that the only way to save yourself is to donate money to Kupat Ha'ir b'zechus Rab meir ba'a'l hannes in hopes that your sugar is sugar as opposed to drugs, and then you can write your story in and have them publish it in there next edition.

Soon after a cop comes over to you and says, "Were sorry that we thought your sugar was drugs, it most definitely is sugar, and we should have read the label". You begin to rejoice and sing, despite the fact that you are most definitely going to jail either way (you assaulted an officer) , because giving to kupat ha'ir really did help you and "all" your troubles.

And this is why you should get out your dollars because, you see, kupat ha'ir really does work no matter how many stories of it not working they don't publish. Come on people wave those dollars.

MIXED UP HOLIDAYS AND TASHLICH

Due to the fact that I didn't write anything about my experience on the high holidays, or anything at all, I decided to fill you on it starting with yom kippur because I cant remember rosh hashanah.

This Yom Kippur went pretty well, I liked it, smooth, a little hungry, and I was not like most people who are trying to cry at the end of Neila, I was sort of happy at the end, then I felt stupid for not pleading more with g-d. Now I really don't want to bore you with my whole Yom Kippur experience because I really just summarized it pretty well and anything I write about it will be just an elaboration of what I just wrote, so forget it (although this year I noticed that a lot of people were nodding there heads during the rabbis speech, were they trying to tell the rabbi hes doing a good job?). If you want a Yom Kippur post from me then you can read my last years post, which wasn't much of a yom kippur post either.


In other entertainment for tonight I have Tashlich memories. I went to tashlich right before yom kippur this year, was it a smart idea right before yom ha'din and all its rush, I don't think so. Where I normally do (the) tashlich is known as Cesar's bay, others may know it as "near toy's R us", and others as "The tashlich place". As I was reading away my sins my family and I realized we had no bread to throw, as one of us said, "Thats like doing bi'ur chametz without chametz" . I look around and realized that on the little ledge between me and the shore 7 feet below there was tons of bread that didn't make it into the sea, I could have used it but I didnt have rubber gloves to touch it with. Anyway, it was just standing there waiting to either rot or be eaten by pigeons, now I don't have the best arm in the world here, I do tend to air ball in basketball, but even I could throw the bread just a little further and get it into the sea. The weird fact is that bread is the most unlikely thing to make it into the water there; kippot, shopping carts, soda cans, barrels filled with radioactive stuff, and a streimel have made it more times into the ocean then bread during the tashlich season (the guy who lost his streimel climbed onto a rock sticking out of the ocean and got his streimel back).

To top all the festivities off we had simchas torah and this year was a let down, it just wasn't as fun as last year, I did the hakafos and all but it was more enjoyable last year. Many people have told me the same thing about this year.It seems as if this year I'm messed up, I enjoyed Yom kippur, and Simchas Torah wasn't so great, what happened! I seriously need to reorganize myself.

AN UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE

I hope everyone liked the superpower meme, it seems like everyone is enjoying it.... oh you did like it, well you're welcome or uhh... thank you.

Now to the post.

It was not too long ago that I stepped into the source of judaica (a judaica store) and I had a very unpleasant experience. I decided I needed a new pair of tzitzis and a new kippah in honor of rosh hashanah, being that I was going anyway I was asked to get some for by brother too. So I went to the nearest judaica store. As I was searching for a kippah that fit, trying many on to see if I want with a rim, no rim, 6 part, or 4 part, one of the guys from register came over to me and asked me, wait scratch that, told me "You're done, come and you'll pay for it". Now this wasn't at anytime near when they close so I have no clue why he was rushing me, but anyhow I looked at him and said, "Actually I'm not done, so I'm not going to pay yet" he seemed a little annoyed. Then I called my brother to ask what type of kippah he would like, the guy at the register (he walked back) was eyeing me for some stupid reason, maybe he thought I was going to pocket a kippah and not pay for it.

After I got my kippot, I went to look for some tzitzit, now this time as I was walking past him he said "okay lets pay for what you've got" and once again I said "Actually I'm still not done yet" and then he sighed, who in the world does that in front of a customer. I looked for some tzitzit, I tried some on and chose what I wanted, then I decided to take my sweet time getting to the register, just to annoy him.

Now this is some service that I didn't like, why was he rushing me? why was he giving the evil eye to me? why did he want to have me pay for things when I could buy more?

Now I am not someone to leave you with a bad story, so I would like to tell you that I walked into the 7-11, that has shown racism, the one on avenue M, and I actually came out with a smile this time all because of the service. So you see people, especially now that rosh hashanah is coming, you should give everybody a smile and treat them nicely because it can leave an impression on them, and if you don't then they might not go back to your store.

THE BRESLOV WAY

Just the other day I was "attacked" by a Breslover "demanding" money from me. I gave the guy a dollar so he would go away, and he ended up giving me a Breslov pamphlet. Now in the past I would have thrown it right back, but the name of the book caught my eye, especially in these economic times.

The name of the book was called Easy Money. I almost jumped for joy, but I remembered I had some dignity, or I just didn't want to look like a fool. I gazed at the book and thought for a moment, "With this I wont ever have to work really hard, all I probably have to do is; say a few perakim of tehillim, hop on the next flight to uman and visit rav nachmans grave site, and then forty days later I'll be rich". I wondered if it was possible, and if it would be true I could change every ones lives.

So I decided to open it up and read its glory. I turned to any random page and started reading the first paragraph. The words read "Poverty is a state of mind". As I read those words my whole dream shattered, like a hard hit baseball punching its way through a stained glass window. I realized that the book was a scam to get the dollar out of me, and that I wont become rich saying a few pices of tehillim, But I also realized I can just sue Breslov for false advertising and then Ill accomplish the books title "Easy Money" anyway.

I CANT TAKE SEVEN ELEVEN 7-11

I was one of those people that rushed after motzei shabbos to the nearest 7-11 to get my hard earned free Slurpee. The first place I went to I was looking around for the seven point 11 ounce cups, but they were nowhere to be found. I decided to go to the front counter and then I remembered I was Jewish. I was thinking how would it look if a Jewish person walks up and says "Hey you got any free Slurpee's?", but then I did it so I didn't have to think about what would happen if I did. The cashier register/ guy at the counter said "nuh..... uh uh" as he tried forcing the half words out of his mouth. I took the impression he was lying, but I didn't want to argue with him for two reasons, 1 because he just said nu..... uh uh which means no and two because what if he really wasn't lying and I argued how cheap would I look, so I left.

I headed to another one close by, which did have free ones, and you had to get them at the counter. I felt weird asking again, because well I'm Jewish and I don't like being categorized as cheap, in fact I go so far not to be called cheap that when ever they give me back change I always tell them to keep the pennies or I put most of the change in the tip box. I asked anyway, and the guy said "who told you that?" and then he laughed and handed me one (he didn't laugh because hes a racist, it wasn't offensive).

Now if there's anything that can ruin getting free Slurpee's its this. I hate having to go up there and ask, why cant they just put it out like all the other cups and everyone will take it and not feel cheap, or have a massive sign outside that says "FREE SLURPEE DAY, GET YOUR 7.11 OUNCE CUPS HERE!!!" that way I don't feel cheap. I have had many occasions in 7-11 where I ran into the cheap Jew stereotype, written about here and here, and that is why I officially hate 7-11 employees and their management. Any questions?

EXPERIENCING JERUSALEM PART 1

You have finally made it to the Holy land, years of saving enough money have lead you here. You got off the plane and are looking for a sheirut (an israeli style taxi, not to be confused with sheirutim which means bathroom, you stupid American [did that joke come on too harsh?]) heading to Jerusalem. You aren't carrying as much luggage as you started with from America, due to a fight with another guy over who the suitcase belongs to, and you lost.

You tell the driver of the sheirut he must drive as quickly as possible, because you have no time to lose in your busy life. You then retract your statement because you notice, you don't want to lose your busy life. You are now shivering in your pants because the taxi driver was an authentic Israeli, and says he "knows" how to drive fast...... in bumper to bumper traffic. You finally make it out of the roller coaster, and truly believe the well known joke between a rabbi and taxi driver in heaven, whose punchline is: all Israeli taxi drivers go to heaven, because they make people pray to g-d.

You find hotel a to stop at and to unpack. You decide that since there is enough time in the day you will go to the Kotel and daven mincha. You take a #2 bus up to the WW (western wall) and you immediately rip your shirt upon seeing the holy site, you get looks from everyone around you, then you remember its not your minhag to rip your clothing when you see it; also, you ripped off all your buttons so your shirt doesn't close, exposing you tzitzis (Huh!), you feel stupid now. You pray your mincha, and are now heading back to the hotel while holding your shirt together with one clenched fist. Someone sticks out their hand, filled with some new Israeli shekalim, you look at your tattered shirt and then say to him "ani lo oni" (I am not poor) in your heavy American accent. The guy laughs at you and really wants you to take it from him, you walk on.

You get back on the #2 bus heading to the hotel. As you are about to sit down you are given a look from some guy in a black hat.... then a few people turn around. You wonder whats going on, while people begin to point at you, "Is it because I come from a country of cheesburgers and Im not fat?" you ponder, "or is it the ripped shirt?" as you begin to feel the affects of jet lag on yourself. You doze off and your shirt opens up once again, exposing your holy tzitzis. A Haredi Jew is heading towards you, loud whispers can be heard throughout the bus. Then he hits you squarely on the cheek, waking you up. As you are in a state of shock, he throws you from your seat. He screams at you in hebrew, "Why were you sleeping with your shirt opened, what chutzpah you have", then he says, "and you were sitting next to a women". You get up quickly, so as to not provoke any riots for these riot hungry people, and tell the guy who hit you "slichah" as any good American would do.

You decide on not continuing the ride, for fear that your kippah srugah wont protect you too much longer here. You look to your right and see white buildings built in stone, you look to your left and see the same thing, then you look up a street and then down one and its the same thing everywhere, all white buildings made out of stone, it occurs to you that YOUR LOST! You go trekking all over Jerusalem (little did you know you were doing some peoples favorite hobby, getting a good look at Jerusalem), and have no clue where you are or where to go , the idea that you could have just followed the bus #2 route and found your way flew right over you kippah srugah. You begin to use your half broken Hebrew and hand gestures to find your way, but to no avail.

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Hey fellow bloggers or blogneighbors, this is an ongoing story I hope to write and finish. This is only part one part, two will come in due time.

ON PATROL

Today me and my friend took a stroll through boro(ugh) park. We were schmoozing it up, having tons of fun, laughing at chassidish women with 10 children following behind them and over stuffed strollers. Watching chassidim hitch rides across boro(ugh) park. Guessing how many hatzoloh and shomrim members we can identify. Then we looked for a new game, one that was fun an easy to play. We made up a new game called "name the chossid". Basically, whenever you see a chassid, you have to correctly call them "Tuna beigel" or "Yoeli", then you can argue whether they fit the category of tuna beigel or yoeli. Its very easy to identify a TB, if they have a cigarette, or they aren't wearing any black clothing, or they have a ring of useless keys with 400 keys or so, or they came out of a Cadillac Escalade or Chevy Tahoe or even a Lexus. Some where in between both categories and hard to tell what side they leaned towards.

I had a lot of fun and would do it again, it beats any day watching baseball.

DO YOU HAVE SHEMA OCD?

There I was in a shul, ma'ariv had approached and we had started shema. I said it as any normal person would say it. The guy a few seats next to me was a different story; he was going at the shema for approximately 10 minutes, as the books title, he was praying with fire. I was in middle of ending my shemonah esray, when this guy finished his shema. I didn't need to be a doctor to diagnose this guy, he has Shema OCD. He didn't just need to say every word once, but 7 or 8 times. I don't understand why one would have such a behavior? Does this guy know some sort of kabbalistic segulah, or something, that says to repeat every word of shema till you've had enough? Do you have any clue what it is, or is it just the symptoms of Shema OCD? I know I have been going on and on about OCD and Jews, but maybe its really true.

YOUR COUNTING ON IT

It was the second night of Pesach when you decided to embark on this mission. You thought to yourself, "This year is going to be the one, I'm going to make it all the way, I am going to count sefirah all 49 days". So the first night you are as pumped as people are for megillah leining. You make that brachah loud and clear so that everyone, within a 3 mile radius, should hear. You felt so great that you counted with such a geshmak that night, you wished you can count every night.

From then on you made sure to keep with every halachah and minhug that their was. You made sure that if someone asked what day it was, you can answer with "last night was this and this". Every time they told you to daven for the amud, you jumped at the chance for everyone to hear your brachah. You would go with a fire, and scream "Baruch....... Hayom yom..... Ba'omer!!!!", you didn't care whether anyone was shouting at you that you said Ba'omer and not La'omer, or that the brachah took 12 minutes altogether, you went on.

But it came the closing days of sefirah, and you were wondering what would happen if you said it everyday, with a brachah. You asked your local rabbi about what would happen. He told you that you just were mikaim a mitzvah, and then its over. That night you were thinking about it "I am counting for something, right? then the counting must end, soon. The rabbi is right it will be over. No more counting till next year!?!". But you loved counting so much, you could have been hired by sesame street to be the count, that this hurt you. Instant fear gripped your mind. You run out of shul screaming in the street "yidden yidden!!! you cant count sefirah in a few days, these are precious times don't waste them!!!". You go over to one fellow and say "Tonight is the 46th night, don't forget that and don't stop counting!!!". You leave the fellow thinking your crazy, then you realize you just said sefirah one night without a brachah (saying tonight is whatever, is considered counting and you cant make the brachah that night).

If you thought you lost it before, now you really did, you missed a night with a brachah!!!! Your heart begins to pound, you start sweating, as if someone is about to kill you. Your panicking, what will you do? "All is lost" you think to yourself "All those nights I kept up with it and now I missed it, everything sucks!". You pass out from all the tension you have caused yourself.

You find yourself days later in a hospital, hooked up to an IV. You ask the first Jewish person you see what day it is, they tell two days after Shavous. "AFTER SHAVOUS" you say, "But that means I completely missed 3 whole days of counting!!". You take a few short breaths, the pressure of not counting now plus missing counting before, creates the flat line sound of your cardiac monitor (in other words, your'e dead).

FINDING LIFE

I find this story truly amazing, about a Jamaican man who converted to Judaism, His name is Yoesf Robinson. At the beginning of his life he was like any other black Jamaican kid, he was raised by his grandmother until he was able to come to America, to live with his parents. Eventually life led him down the wrong path, and he got into drug dealing, and other such "businesses". At one point he was a hip hopper in Hollywood. Later he found Judaism, and converted. He is now an orthodox Jew living in Brooklyn. I found some videos about him, and how he grew up Here, Here, and Here.

I find his story to be very inspiring.

A.K.A. PELLA

I was passing a car stopped at a red light. The windows were rolled down on this SUV, and Jewish music was blasting from its black exterior. I noticed a Jew in the front seat (seems obvious). Then I thought "hey its sefira he shouldn't be playing that". I could have thought he holds of the second half, but instead I didn't. I tried to think of how this could tie into a post; why is he breaking sefira with Jewish music? if you really were going that far, listen to non-Jewish, or worse Lipa (you don't hear them banning non-Jewish concerts).

After a while (or 3 hours), I was in my friends car blasting music down the road, to one of the A.K.A PELLA CDs. Then I understood what that first guy was listening to, and dropped the post. I must admit they do a great job with their music, it sounds really good, and perfect for sefirah. They have some of your favorite knock offs, Lecha was done well. Its a Sefira CD for people who don't like Sefira, so go and buy it.

KADDISH RACES

Have you ever been in shul, and heard the kaddish after aleinu (some places before aleinu)? Have you ever heard women saying kaddish (I did)? These are just quetions, heres the post on kaddish.

Some places you have only one guy who is saying kaddish, very easy to follow the guy. Only problems that might occur are; him going really really slowly, which is always annoying because you want to get out of there quickly.

Then there are a few people saying kaddish, most of the time its synchronized, and they do it well; this usually happens in younger, more yeshivish type, minyanim. If you ever go to a young Israel type shul, especially ones with a lot of old people, there will be many people saying kaddish and at different paces. One guy is the speedster, before you say your first amen he is at "yihei shemei rabah". The next guy is average. Then there is the guy who cant seem to go any slower; for some reason these guys like to say it real low to themselves. With all the kaddish readers going at different paces, you tend to lose what amen your holding on, because the guy next to you is saying amen, the other is saying "brich hu" and another is already leaving shul. Then this always happens; everyone is about to leave, thinking everyone is done, and then pipe up the few people able to hear the slow guy, calling everyone back.

Kaddish many times becomes a race to see who can go the fastest. Trying to go really fast brings the stuttering, skipping of words or just mumbling it through. One time I heard a real funny kaddish, it was as if the guy was talking to everyone, and we so to say were nodding our heads at him with an amen at whatever he said.

Tell us your kaddish experiences, we would love to hear.

YOUR PESACH CLEANING

Ever since Chanukah you haven't stopped scrubbing. You started with your attic, and then went straight towards the basement. By Purim you already had matzoh ready to give to shaloch manot, because you were afraid to have chametz. You also made sure not to accept any shaloch manot, for fear of any chametz residue. Now with a few days left to Pesach, you cant seem to find anything else to clean, but you keep going around searching with a spoon a feather and a candle..... that runs on a extremely powerful battery to produce a very strong light, every single day, who cares if everyone else only does that the night before.

Today, you have cleaned everything in you house, and yesterday...... and the day before. You have been so far removed from the purpose of getting rid of chametz; that you are getting rid of anything that will remotely make a mess, even the matzoh meal you have is to be taken with caution. You have become one with OCD, or a smaller version of Pesach syndrome (Pesach syndrome also involves crazy shopping attitudes, and weird minhagim like not eating anything that touched anything that was once a liquid for fear of it making your food gebrukts [which is only a fear of it having some flour not baked that you still have to wait 18 minutes for it to become chametz]).

You have cleaned, you have finished, nothing got in your way, and there is still a few hours now till Pesach. Wait, go back a few words "nothing got in your way", now how did that happen? you think to yourself. You then remember, YOU HAVE KIDS!!! You didn't prepare for this.

1,2,3,4 kids step into your house running amok, nope, now 5,6,7 and their all yours. They are spreading dirt all over the place, with their muddy shoes, or was it dog doo? You start going crazy, not knowing where to start to stop this. You try getting hold of all the kids, you line up which ever ones you can catch. You count ".....3,4,5 wheres 6 and 7?" you say. You turn around and 6 and 7 are assembling a chametz bomb. "Oh no" you scream. "Don't set that off...... how did you get that? what does it do?" you say. They reply "its a chametz bomb we leftover from Purim and we need to get rid of it before Pesach". "No way" you say "I cleaned the whole house for months now, don't make it all go to waste with a few hours to Pesach". Boom!! you are okay, but the chametz bomb did some serious damage to your house leaving pieces of bread, and leavened dough, stuck everywhere in your house. 6 and 7 are covered in chametz.

You quickly gather everyone in your family, as a stroke of genius falls upon you. You are going to sell the house to a goy and go somewhere for Pesach, in the few short hours you have left, just so you can avoid all the cleaning (how convenient). You, the seven children and spouse, are going to have a worry free Pesach after all, which begs the question, why not do this in the first place?

AL SHADCHAN

The crowd quiets down, the MC(master of ceremonies) comes up to the microphone, as the lights dim on the crowd. "Tonight" he says "we are going to have a guest speaker. He is known throughout all the world. He is extremely nosy, and takes everything very personally. He is known to make speeches all the time, on every little thing that the community has problems with. Tonight he is speaking on the shidduch crisis. Introducing Al Shadchan!" (spoof on Al Sharpton).


Al takes to the podium. "Ahem, many things wrong with this community, people aren't going on shidduch dates. By all means, we should be trying to do everything we can possible to put an end to this crisis.... or it will be an unstoppable crisis. I believe that everyone has to do their part. Everyone should be calling friends and family to make things progress. To defeat a crisis, we must act against the crisis, by all means necessary..........."


1 hour later, and Al is still going on. The crowd seems to be wary of his speech.

"I believe that many people are affected by outside forces, which are known as goyim too many of you. They get married at 25, and think its okay. Now Is not saying that they are wrong, only that they have no concept of what they should do. Many of you have been influenced by the scum Ive said before. You think that looks and dress are what makes a person, or the fact that they are "outside the box" makes them not acceptable enough to go out with. But I say you are wrong, be ashamed. I have a dream ( I know that's MLKJ's line, but did you notice that Sharpton copies him tremendously?) that Bochurim and fresh from seminary girls, will go out on a shidduch just because they are who they are, let the segregation end..... once they reach the parshah. Ive dealt with many who, as they say, aren't sure about things. I say to that, if they have asked all the questions to me and to your parents, and they have white (yes, Al shadchan is white) tablecloth, there is no reason not see the other side".


One more hour later and he is still going, the crowd seems to be hearing the same thing over and over. Some even think he said this same speech, just changed the subject, to Dov Israelish (the Jewish equivalent to Don Imus).


And last, I think that we should all stand together, and fight for our community when eva' a crisis hits. We are the chosen nation, we will come forth, B'ezras Hashem".


The crowd cheers at the end, because its the end. MC talking now "That will be it for tonight, as we would have had 3 more speakers (sigh), but due to the time we just cant. Thank you and good night".