GET OUT YOUR DOLLARS BECAUSE THIS WORKS

It was a just few weeks ago, you were coming out of a bakery with a pound of sugar and a danish, you stepped into your car only to find a cop writing you a ticket for parking by a meter without any minutes left. The cop was about to put it on your windshield, you began to worry, you desperately needed to somehow stop this treachery from happening, you quickly think, "if the ticket doesn't make it to the windshield it really isn't finalized and you don't have to pay for it". You decide to take action, you jump out of you car quickly and try to snatch the ticket from the cops hand, but nothing is the cops hand. You look under your wiper and the ticket is already there "dam" you think as an annoyed and shocked expression hits your face.

You walk over to the cop, who has already moved onto other cars, with the ticket gripped firmly in hand. You begin to protest, you cry that this ticket is not fair, you were just about to pull out, its chutzpah and then you reclaim its not fair. The cop begins to ask you to come down and tells you that you were wrong and they aren't going to take back the ticket. You begin to shout and stomp your feet like a little four year, you would have threatened that your tatty is a policeman and can shoot him but that would be kind of stupid saying it to a cop. You decide to kick the cop, big mistake because you are now on the ground with handcuffs behind your back. You continue ranting while the cop calls for backup.

Backup finally comes, they search you for weapons and all sorts of weird things. They then decide to check your car after you stupidly gave them the idea to. As they are looking through they find your danish, which they enjoy, and your pound of sugar which alarms them, they believe its drugs although it says pound of sugar, and off you are to the holding cell.

You have every right to remain silent and they actually tell you to shut up quite a few times but you know better. They told you all the things they are pressing charges for; assault of an officer, not paying a ticket, and for acquiring drugs. It dawns upon you that you aren't getting out of this with your smart mouth. You overheard them saying that they are going to test the pound of sugar to check if its drugs. You quickly decide that the only way to save yourself is to donate money to Kupat Ha'ir b'zechus Rab meir ba'a'l hannes in hopes that your sugar is sugar as opposed to drugs, and then you can write your story in and have them publish it in there next edition.

Soon after a cop comes over to you and says, "Were sorry that we thought your sugar was drugs, it most definitely is sugar, and we should have read the label". You begin to rejoice and sing, despite the fact that you are most definitely going to jail either way (you assaulted an officer) , because giving to kupat ha'ir really did help you and "all" your troubles.

And this is why you should get out your dollars because, you see, kupat ha'ir really does work no matter how many stories of it not working they don't publish. Come on people wave those dollars.

EXPERIENCING JERUSALEM PART 1

You have finally made it to the Holy land, years of saving enough money have lead you here. You got off the plane and are looking for a sheirut (an israeli style taxi, not to be confused with sheirutim which means bathroom, you stupid American [did that joke come on too harsh?]) heading to Jerusalem. You aren't carrying as much luggage as you started with from America, due to a fight with another guy over who the suitcase belongs to, and you lost.

You tell the driver of the sheirut he must drive as quickly as possible, because you have no time to lose in your busy life. You then retract your statement because you notice, you don't want to lose your busy life. You are now shivering in your pants because the taxi driver was an authentic Israeli, and says he "knows" how to drive fast...... in bumper to bumper traffic. You finally make it out of the roller coaster, and truly believe the well known joke between a rabbi and taxi driver in heaven, whose punchline is: all Israeli taxi drivers go to heaven, because they make people pray to g-d.

You find hotel a to stop at and to unpack. You decide that since there is enough time in the day you will go to the Kotel and daven mincha. You take a #2 bus up to the WW (western wall) and you immediately rip your shirt upon seeing the holy site, you get looks from everyone around you, then you remember its not your minhag to rip your clothing when you see it; also, you ripped off all your buttons so your shirt doesn't close, exposing you tzitzis (Huh!), you feel stupid now. You pray your mincha, and are now heading back to the hotel while holding your shirt together with one clenched fist. Someone sticks out their hand, filled with some new Israeli shekalim, you look at your tattered shirt and then say to him "ani lo oni" (I am not poor) in your heavy American accent. The guy laughs at you and really wants you to take it from him, you walk on.

You get back on the #2 bus heading to the hotel. As you are about to sit down you are given a look from some guy in a black hat.... then a few people turn around. You wonder whats going on, while people begin to point at you, "Is it because I come from a country of cheesburgers and Im not fat?" you ponder, "or is it the ripped shirt?" as you begin to feel the affects of jet lag on yourself. You doze off and your shirt opens up once again, exposing your holy tzitzis. A Haredi Jew is heading towards you, loud whispers can be heard throughout the bus. Then he hits you squarely on the cheek, waking you up. As you are in a state of shock, he throws you from your seat. He screams at you in hebrew, "Why were you sleeping with your shirt opened, what chutzpah you have", then he says, "and you were sitting next to a women". You get up quickly, so as to not provoke any riots for these riot hungry people, and tell the guy who hit you "slichah" as any good American would do.

You decide on not continuing the ride, for fear that your kippah srugah wont protect you too much longer here. You look to your right and see white buildings built in stone, you look to your left and see the same thing, then you look up a street and then down one and its the same thing everywhere, all white buildings made out of stone, it occurs to you that YOUR LOST! You go trekking all over Jerusalem (little did you know you were doing some peoples favorite hobby, getting a good look at Jerusalem), and have no clue where you are or where to go , the idea that you could have just followed the bus #2 route and found your way flew right over you kippah srugah. You begin to use your half broken Hebrew and hand gestures to find your way, but to no avail.

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Hey fellow bloggers or blogneighbors, this is an ongoing story I hope to write and finish. This is only part one part, two will come in due time.

TREKKING UP TO THE MOUNTAINS

Almost everybody on the block rented a u-haul, stuffed it up, and then traveled to the mountains this week. It was a site to see, parents calling out kids names to see if they left anything behind, trying to figure out how to squish in another suitcase and sheitel, O' it was a blast. Don't think that was the only reason I liked this week. In addition to watching them pack up I also saw them pack out of Brooklyn, which means MORE PARKING!!! spaces! LESS CROWDED SUPERMARKETS!!!

Why am I celebrating so hard? well have you ever tried looking for parking for 45 minutes? or was pissed off that someone took up two spots instead of one? or have someone blocking your driveway for a "minute"? Do you like the double parking on Coney Island ave.? my answer is no, and that is why I am so happy.

Have you ever walked into Moishe's discount supermarket with a pushcart, and tried to maneuver yourself out of one jam only to move into another, its just too crowded there (that's why I like Pomegranate better, but I don't go there often, its expensive). And forget about Thursday nights, its complete havoc in there. What I hate most are the spaced out bluetooth wearers, they just yap away about whatever and it can take a while before they realize they are in your way. Ooh and some are so stuck up, looking to see which is a better tomato sauce, pick one already and stop blocking the aisle.

But that is all over, those extra crowded supermarkets are gonna be upstate where I ain't, and parking will be a breeze, thank g-d for this wonderful idea of a summer retreat.

WERE SO BAD WE MADE THE NEWS

Okay maybe not international news, or even national news, but since most Jews live in the tri-state area, we made it there; because vos iz neias wrote about it and Jews read vos iz neias (yes we only made vos iz neias that's how bad we are, its still news). You do know that in Brooklyn its almost impossible to park, we as Brooklynites will fight tooth and nail for our spots. Many a times we have to fend off bad neighbors who try to save spots, or take up two spaces with one car, either way its a nightmare here in Brooklyn. Well you can congratulate yourselves now that we finally made the news with this daily occurrence, a guy fought (with hands and feet, not tooth and nail like the rest of us) for a parking space and then was arrested for it. Some will say "hey it was bound to happen sooner or later", others will say "Why fight over a parking spot, I just double park". But do you really want to be known as the borough of bad parking? then we got to get our act together and be more considerate of others.

It may seem from the last few sentences that I am calling on everyone to make a difference in Brooklyn, but I know better than that, people will never be more considerate just because I am calling for it, especially in Brooklyn.

A.K.A. PELLA

I was passing a car stopped at a red light. The windows were rolled down on this SUV, and Jewish music was blasting from its black exterior. I noticed a Jew in the front seat (seems obvious). Then I thought "hey its sefira he shouldn't be playing that". I could have thought he holds of the second half, but instead I didn't. I tried to think of how this could tie into a post; why is he breaking sefira with Jewish music? if you really were going that far, listen to non-Jewish, or worse Lipa (you don't hear them banning non-Jewish concerts).

After a while (or 3 hours), I was in my friends car blasting music down the road, to one of the A.K.A PELLA CDs. Then I understood what that first guy was listening to, and dropped the post. I must admit they do a great job with their music, it sounds really good, and perfect for sefirah. They have some of your favorite knock offs, Lecha was done well. Its a Sefira CD for people who don't like Sefira, so go and buy it.

TIPS FOR PURIM

We all know that Megillah is hard to listen to once you hit like the 5th perek, and you still have to listen to every word that's said, kind of hard. There are those that reread every word they think they missed, but since I am giving out tips today you obviously wont need to do that. The solution: did you know that you can be half asleep and still be yotzei your megillah needs? its true, as long as you can be woken up by someone calling your name, you can rest through the whole megillah reading (except when they bang for haman, gonna be hard to stay dozing through that).

After you are done breaking your fast, you will most probably hit by the swarm of collectors going around in limos. They will ask for every penny you have, most of it to pay for their ride. You will be danced around to every Purim song there is, it gets quite annoying. Solution: Give each group a 5$ and tell them to leave right away, you save your money, dont get annoyed, and its getting the mitzvah of tzedakah. If you do not want to give tzedakah, then you can hang a big cross on your door so no one will come (remember to take off the mezuzah). If you don't feel like hanging a cross on your door, due to the neighbors, then you can tell every group that comes by, "My children are sleeping I don't want you to wake them up" and you dont pay them either.

Then it will come day time, and the shaloch manot will be plenty. You don't want to look out done by your neighbors, who are giving you glass vases filled with all assortments including those mint chocolates no one likes, or have these themes that will cost a fortune, what to do? Solution: If you are a cheap person, you wont care what you give to them, in fact you give it back. If you are a person who just cant afford to make such an extravagant basket, you should know that you are only required to give two things, and no they don't have to be two different brachos, contrary to what everyone thinks ( Shulchan aruch clearly states that you can give two types of meat [both shehakol], it even goes so far as to say that maybe you can give a piece of chicken and the bottom and the top are two different things and you are yotzei, but we hold you aren't yoztei with one piece of chicken). That is all you have to do, almost nothing, or you give only one person, still yotzei.

People like to get drunk on Purim, your child or husband might too. You do not want them to come home drunk, and vomiting. Solution: Not much I can help you with here, only a little less vomiting. So to lessen the vomit: (Edit from Moshe) don't drink on an empty stomach. Drink water, alcohol dehydrates you and you throw up. Drink milk before drinking, it will lessen the effects by reducing your stomach's effectiveness of absorbing alcohol. After you come home, drink chamomile tea, preferably with mint.Unless you're Russian, don't mix! before drinking. Also do not give them the keys to the car when they go out on Purim (this isnt because of vomiting), make them walk. If possible convince them that sleeping allows you to be yotzei getting drunk on Purim, which it doesn't (clearly written in halachah seforim). If you yourself are drinking, then try to drink water right after you take a shot, I hear it helps you not vomit.

Another good tip is, don't drink and drive on Purim. Reasons: On a day where you should drink till you don't know, you shouldn't be driving, you may get lost. #2, With all the traffic out on the roads, it would be better if you were alert. #3 (an obvious) you may spill your drink, and #4, jail isn't fun.

I hope these tips can help you this Purim, if you have any more I will be glad to add them on to my list.

PARKING IN BROOKLYN. AH CHUTZPA.

Do not attempt. Trying to park in Brooklyn (mainly the Jewish areas Midwood, Borough Park) is a painful experience. There is only one worse than trying to find parking on a regular day and that is trying to find parking on a Friday.

You try finding parking on "J" in Midwood. Highly unlikely unless you come between the hours of 3-6 AM. Not only you cant find parking but you can hardly drive through "J". With the B11 and B6 coming through all the time and the usual double parked Coca Cola or Pepsi truck it makes it a really hard avenue. So in the case you see a spot across the street open up, you aren't going to get it. Oh and none of the stores on "J" have Valet Parking.

Ave. "M" is not as bad as "J". Especially now that Glatt Mart has gotten Valet Parking. But as G-d giveth G-d taketh so now Mountain fruit which had a parking lot, lost its privilege. A funny thing about Mountain fruit is that they also had valet parking. Now that they don't have the parking lot, all the Mexicans who parked the cars previously, are now are just sitting around and be paid for it (very little of course). So all of ave. "M" is really crowded and there is hardly any place to park.

If I do find a place to park I keep to it and wont move until I am done shopping on that avenue. Many times I have to put bags into the car and everyone thinks I am getting out of the spot. So I have to tell them "I am not getting out just putting some groceries in the car". They then look at me as if I am doing something illegal and they move on. If you do see a spot open in back of you, hurry in reverse to get to the spot. I almost ran over a lady like this (sorry).

My block is also the worst thing to try to park on. I have to go around the block 5 times at least before a spot opens up. I also have people who take up two spots instead of being considerate and parking like humans. Its horrible out there. You want to hear some real Chutzpa, take this story.

I was on Coney Island avenue and was trying to get into the Buzz. So I see a car pulling out and I move ahead to do some parallel parking. The spot behind this car pulling out was a pump. So I am about to back in when a Chossid in a minivan zooms into my spot through the empty pump area. I was about to get out of my car and give this guy a handful. Then a spot in front the Chossid opens. So I say "well at least there is another spot, forget the Chossid". You will never believe what he does next. After I moved up to do the parallel parking (again) he drives into the spot I was going to go in. So he cuts me twice. Now I was ready to give it to him. So I pull into the spot he just left open between the pump and him. So I get out of my car and I say "what was that for?!!!" (here is the punchline) He tells me as his excuse "My wife just had a baby". WTF!!! so your wife just had a baby. What am I supposed to say Mazal Tov why did you cut me off? Talk about Chutzpa.

Like I said before. Do not attempt parking in Brooklyn. Take mass transit.

SMART CARS, SMART CHOICE?

I have recently seen a big increase in the popularity of the new Smart car. In the city its a big help when it comes to parking, especially when you live in Brooklyn where the people here like to make the parking hard for others. Its got great gas mileage. They say it has a good crash test rating, although I have no clue how a small car like that is able to not be pulverized.

The smart car has now infiltrated the Jewish community. I really don't understand it. At first I saw someone driving it and said to myself "Why would he drive a smart car" but I didn't think too much about it. Then I saw another Jewish person driving one and thought "how could a Jewish person drive a smart car when he expects to have 20 children?". It goes against everything we believe in. We the people of the station wagon and minivans have decided to change are ways and go for a small car that can only hold 2 people? What happened to having a dozen kids in a trunk? How can you offer rides to random people with just a small car? Imagine three people trying squish in for a ride, its not happening.

I just don't see the smart car being a smart choice for our community.

ISRAELI DRIVERS ARE CRAZY

So this past July I went to Israel and I have heard of the crazy drivers there. At first upon hearing this I didn't believe it so much, being that I went to Israel before and did not see. People kept on telling me every little alleyway is a two way street, highway speed in Me'ah she'arim's narrow and short streets. Anything you could think of about driving (crazy) was said. I personally thought that New York driving was the worst. In New York I almost got hit many times and was hit once (not hard). I have heard Miami was bad too.

When I made it to Israel I needed some means of transportation for my luggage and me. I of course took a taxi (sheiroot i think its called or mony-oht). This was my first experience that I remember in an Israeli taxi. All the other times I was too young or just didn't notice.

I wasnt ever that scared in my life, for my life before that moment(s). I have been on roller coasters, but nothing like this. This crazy taxi driver was driving in and out of lanes (no turn signals of course), was bumper to bumper with these other vans and trucks. He was forcing this little car to drive as fast as it could or he would ram it out of the way, like you would do on video games and this car did not look like it had more than 4 cylinders. We made sharp turns around corners of mountains. It had me and my brother (the one who was up after the flight) praying for our lives.

That reminds me of a joke. Theirs a rabbi and a Israeli taxi driver that died and they meet in heaven. The rabbi asks the taxi driver who has this huge golden palace "what did you do to deserve this and me not"? so the Taxi driver answers "when you gave a speech everyone fell asleep when I drove they prayed".

Anyway we finally make it into Jerusalem in one peace (my praying payed off). So the taxi drivers sees a little rounded corner he needs to pass so he goes at top speed for some odd Israeli reason. As we are turning there is a garage and someone is pulling out. the driver pulling out makes a quick stop so as not to get crushed by this maniac but is in the street a little and now the taxi driver has to stop and turn out of the way. Instead of turning a little he comes to a screeching stop, rolls down his window and scream Idiota!! (meaning idiot) and drives off. That one had me and my brother rolling on the floor it was so funny.

Lucky for me I did not have any close stories to that, the rest of my stay. Although now if I hear a car coming in Israel I run out of the streets and find shelter, like they do in Sderot for kassams. What is scary to see is the #2 bus that drives through Me'ah She'arim there are people on the sides that are almost crushed against the buildings. Let me explain. Me'ah She'arim is got alleyways all through it. The bus hardly fits through them and there are people that walk on the sides. If that bus makes one wrong move they are permanently part of the bus or wall. Same goes for the old city.

I now have no fear of walking/driving in new york (not that I had to begin with). And all those thing I thought weren't true about Israel are now true. They definitely have the worst driving skills if they have any at all. I think its luck not skills.

P.S. If you see a blue toyota sienna beeping for no reason its my aunt, run!