Its not Purim without my pressidor wafers

I thought I didn't leave anything for me to write about Purim this year after last year with my full week of Purim posts, turns out you never really know. I'm linking to last years posts if you missed it or want to remember it, yes Ive been around long enough to link to old posts.

Well I wrote about Purim themes and and costumes all very nice, but the truth is I don't like themes at all, too much effort has to go into it and I'm more of a traditional shaloch manot giver. I hate it when my family makes themes, for example: orange and red was one theme and everyone thought it was fire, or the time we went all natural and people were really confused. That's really why I don't like themes bad experiences with them and my liking of traditional ways intertwined. My idea of Shaloch manot is just giving a big box of Pressidors wafers and a bottle of grape juice, actually I'm craving some of that right now.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time and effort that's put into a theme, one guy gave me a stimulus package last year with a money sign on the front of the bag really funny. The best theme Ive ever seen was Drunkin Donuts the guy made a box that looked like a real dunkin donuts box and I think it cost a lot to make, still pretty impressive, and I made sure to aprreciate it in my spare time. Ill stick to my tradition which I'm very happy with, and who doesn't want a box of pressidor wafers, you cant say no it just not purim without pressidor wafers.

WHAT THE MEDRASH DIDNT TELL YOU

You think that you know it all, the whole Purim story, since you've been in kindergarten. You read the little medrash says when you were younger and you read let my nation live, but you really don't know anything. let me tell what really happened.

Lets start from once Esther became queen. Mordechai sat outside the kings palace. This is a shanda said all the rabbonim, how could a tzaddik sit outside the kings palace and not in a beis medrash learning, doesn't he know that outside the koislei beis medrash there is tons of pritzus, especially near the kings palace. Mordechai was banned from the community, but he was re accepted when he didn't bow down to wicked man Haman. The rabbonim of Persia also didn't like that a yiddishe maidel like Esther married a goy, and the shadchan really didn't know what to say about her children once they were ready get married.

Then Mordechai saved the kings life, a major uproar in the Persian Jewish community happened, how could Mordechai save a rasha. Countless bans went up on Persian yeshivah World News, and the comments written in cuneiform blasted Mordechai for such an act. When Haman put out his plan to exterminate the Jews the Kanoim of the generation blamed it on the lack of tznius in the persian empire, not the fact that the people strayed from the path, strict laws of wearing only black in the dessert countries were implemented by many of the Yihudim.

Then came the night the king couldn't fall asleep and Haman unexpectedly showed up to tell the king what should be done to the man the king wishes to honor. Turned out Mordechai, the one the Jews were blasting at the time, was going to pulled around by the wicked man Haman, thanks to Hamans suggestion, on the kings horse none the less, which is like pulling up in the modern day Cadillac Escalade. The Jews of Shushan decided to riot, they weren't going to let a parade of any kind, its a toeivah. As the horse was being drawn around town the Jews lit garbage's on fire and were pouring acid on anything not tznius.
at one point the Jews threw the flaming garbage on Haman, it got confused up with his daughter throwing it in the story through some gematria, don't know how that one goes.

From that point on the stories a blurr, but you can see all the points your little medrash forgot to tell you, so when you read the megillah try and remember that the world then wasn't so different from ours today, or there is no moral to this post and forget that last line.

Its a large world out there

You know that saying "its a small world after all" well its wrong. The world is a large place full of things to do and people to meet, and I don't need some guy I just met to tell me its a small world after hearing we know the same people, dude its a small frummie world not a small everyone world..

Yes its a large world, and I was living it for the past week and a half, finding no time to blog at all. A lot has happened since I left, Tu b'shvat came and went, I was planning on writing about how no one really celebrates it and it gets lost in the sphere of influence the next two holidays have. One fact about Tu b'shvat while were in the subject, more people opted to plant a tree in the game of farmville in honor of tu b'shvat this year then really planting a tree.

Also there was an earthquake in Haiti which I did briefly write about, but what I failed to mention is that some Frum Jewish people (not the ones that went to help) are showing signs of joining the JKK or Jew Klux Klan. Its outright disgusting that some people are Happy, that's right, happy about the destruction and death of non Jews who have not wronged them in anyway. I was ready to blow up at some of these people, but its a useless argument they're never gonna get it straight, years of distortion have got them were they are and one rant isn't gonna change it.

Well now that Ive lived life for a week or so its time to hibernate and blog again till some warmer weather comes along, maybe I'll pick up jogging in the morning to keep me going or that groundhog better show up soon..... or not show up, does anybody know which one makes spring come earlier and when is groundhog day?

My New Years

Material Maidel had a post here, on the topic of celebrating "New Years". I began to think, is it right or is it not. I came to the conclusion I personally wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years". Going to watch the ball drop in times square, getting mad drunk, watching all the ESPN top ten highlights for every sport this past year, are all things that would make me feel weird if I did them (okay the one about sports I wouldn't feel weird doing).

That weird feeling I would have I can only describe as me missing out on something from what is My usual New Years. For example: The taste of an apple dipped in honey or chalah, humming dip the apple in the honey while dipping it in the honey, eating a fishes eyes, trying all the simanim that I would never eat all year round anyway, sitting in shul for hours and knowing my fate is being determined that day, and so on. I wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years" without that. The most I would do for "New years", and not feel like I'm missing something, is saying the year 2010 over 90 times so I feel comfortable saying it, like people would with V'sane Tal U'matar, but thats where it ends.

P.S. last year I wrote how everything has been down like the ball dropping including gas prices which were 1.83, well that went up another dollar in the past year.

Rating The Midwood Bakeries: Part IV

Yesterday I went to the ever so awesome Pita Sababa on kings highway and east 3rd, and just like last year I'm rating their sufganiot a complete ten. There wasn't a lack of jelly, a deep pocket full of it. The jelly wasn't clumped like some other places I went to last night, it was smooth and very tasty. The dough was also very well made. At 1.50 a piece its well worth it.

Pressers on M and east 17, The jelly was clumped, the dough was too chalk like of a texture, a normal amount of jelly considering its small size and only a dollar. I'm rating it a 6 in taste and over all also 6 being that their service was okay and the price of it was fair enough for its size.

Kaffs bakery on East 18 and ave. M. I actually had a nice conversation with the guy at the counter so he gets some points on customer service. It was self service so he gets heimish points too, but that's were it ended. The dough was actually worse then Pressers and the jelly was clumped and not a flowing so well, the pocket was deep enough for me, even if its a smaller sufgania its has to have more jelly, and it was 25 cents more than pressers so they only lose here. I rate it in taste a low five and overall a 6, remember they got extra points back there (well i cant say.

Porges on K and Coney island Avenue. It was self service so yes they also get heimish points, but it was a woman behind the counter so they are losing those points. The jelly was also clumpy, I dont get it, why did these last three places have clumpy jelly its just not good! The dough was average, also at a 1.25. The pocket of jelly was average too. This one gets a taste of 6 and over all a 6.

Im planning on going to a few more places soon, if your favorite bakery hasnt gotten an official rating by me and you wish it would, just click on # people gave their 2 cents below and drop a comment. Till then Wishing you all a Happy Hanuka

THE SUFGANIOT RATER IS IN

Tomorrow marks the first day of Chanukah and I already jumped into the Hanukkah spirit (see that's 2 different spellings of the holiday, does it really matter how you spell it), with my first two Sufganiot. They were from Isaac's bake shop on Ave. J between east 14th and 15th, and it was much like last year, still a dollar fifty and still rated a 7 (out of ten) and the service was a little slow but friendly. The Sufgania had some good jelly a decent pocketful I might add, the dough was a little dry but for 1.50 it shouldn't have been. Over all its rated a six.

I originally didn't want to go there, I was heading for Ostrovitsky's on east 12th, but they were sold out! that's right sold out before the first night. Being that I liked them last year and wanted to check out their service which I never got to, and they were only a dollar 25 I assumed they would be my best bet. I was disappointed and instead I headed to Isaac's bake shop.

In front of Isaac's they had a sign "Home made donuts, sufganiot (in Hebrew), sold here". Two things wrong with that. One, sufganiot are correctly translated as Israeli styled jelly donuts not home made, and even according to most Sufganiot am ha'aratzim they call it jelly donuts nothing about home made. And two, how could it be home made if its in a bakery?! I got no answers to that.

Yes people just like last year I will test my stomach of steel, and to those who wish to come and join me on my trips to try all the bakeries, (ahem) G6 (cough) Sally hazel, just give me shout, Child ish you in for another round? As always if you have any specific suggestions for me do tell, because I'm here to pay the price so you get it right.

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

HAVE A SWEET ROSH HASHANAH Y'ALL

Have a happy and healthy new year.

KLAP TILL YOU DROP

Slichos was one O'clock in the morning at you're local shul. You never liked slichos, "Why so late? why so early? why so hard to follow?" was what you were thinking. Well whether you liked it or not you made your way to the shul for the slichos.

You start out with ashrei, something you knew, and continue with many unfamiliar paragraphs of hebrew. The little slichos you were using could have easily been a breslov pamphlet, you really couldn't tell the difference, and you would have been day dreaming if it wasn't night. You were very tired and it seemed as if you would conk out, all of a (the) sudden you hit the ashamnu part (the part were you klap your chest). Right then and there you hit yourself, and you get that stroke of genius that has been plaguing you ever since I started writing you posts (you posts are posts where I put you as the main character, like this post).

You realize that the slichos are special, that they shouldn't be taken lightly; you take that literally and proceed to klap you chest as unlightly as possible. The massive whacks that your chest endured was incomprehensible, it was a sight to see, it was amazing you didn't break a rib. But you did feel a pain on your chest, it was a black and blue mark, and every time you hit it it got worse, but you didn't care you knew what that hashem could punish you worse if you didn't try to do teshuvah.

As your are whacking yourself into the book of life, you realize no one else has this much enthusiasm. You wonder "Maybe they have bigger black and blue marks? or maybe they don't have to hit as hard to get one?". You turn towards the person next to you and ask "Do you have a black and blue mark from klapping your chest?" the man says, "Actually, I don't want one". You couldn't believe what you just heard, "He doesn't want a black and blue mark? what does he think? his fist is something to be feared even more so than hashem". This irked you, so you decided that if he wont do it himself you'll have to do it for him.

You go over to him and forcefully klap his chest, he looks at you and then shoves you away, you scream back "Do you wanna live this year or not?!", he turns away from you. This doesn't deter you, you run over to him and take his hand and try to klap him while yelling at him, "I'm trying to help you, let me help!" while fighting with you he says, "you're a nut, get off, I don't need a black and blue mark so just leave me alone" you ask for him to prove you don't, he retaliates with walking away.

You decide that you are going to, from now on, uphold your newly found minhag, and soon make it a halacha so then you can kill someone if they don't listen because its okay to kill over a halachic debate.

You come home from slichos more religious then ever, you even tell yourself, "Everyone knows a holy war is the way to go, even the most extreme religious Muslims agree with you and Islam stems from Judaism, it must be the right Jewish thing". So this rosh hashanah if they don't make it into the book of life your way, you'll be sure they wont make it in any other way.

TO GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF YOM KIPPUR....

Here is a link to a movie in preparation for yom kippur, Material Maidel has also posted it. Set around the days of Yom Kippur, Tickling Leo is a contemporary drama that follows three generations of one Jewish family whose secrets threaten to wipe away its future. When he loses touch with his estranged father, Zak Pikler (Daniel Sauli) and his pregnant girlfriend Delphina (Annie Parisse) travel to an abandoned Catskills lake where the eccentric poet Warren Yitzchak Pikler (Lawrence Pressman) is living in solitude and declining health. As Zak copes with his father's dementia, Delphina inadvertently uncovers a secret the Piklers have been hiding since World War II: an impossible sacrifice they made in order to join Rudolph Kasztner’s controversial train out of Hungary .


TICKLING LEO opens in New York on Friday, September 4 and will also be available day and date on DVD and Amazon VOD. Get out there and watch it!

DID YOU FINISH YOUR DIET

Pesach was a long time ago, giving you enough time to diet. Back when I was in kindergarten they made us make charts, with 49 day on it and every 7 days was a different color, I can only think that it was a healthy chart, or a diet one, where every color reprsented a fruit. The end of the chart was on top of a mountain, of which i can only think represented success, and there was a figure that had two sides and a round top on it, that must have been the award for losing the weight.

Recently it has become a new phenomenon, everybody is counting these 49 days, every day losing another pound. There are a few people I know who got out and didn't count anymore, obviously they couldn't take the 49 day diet. I can see why people would go on a diet; its after pesach where you ate tons of matzoh, you have some healthy foods at the seder (maror, karpas), but the rest is loaded with calories , so you go on a diet for 49 days. That's besides the fact its right before the summer.

After you finish the diet you can relax and enjoy yourself, with some mouth watering cheesecake, that with every bite you take into it you can feel your blood clotting and your stomach widen, and you can put cherries or any other type of sugary filling on it so you don't feel guilty eating it. Enjoy your Shavous.

PESACH IS HERE

Pesach is here folks, more than a week with out anything that tastes good. Everyone probably stocked up on those Haggadah (name of company) treats. They are mad expensive, 6 bucks for a one of them, ripoffs, and that's besides the fact that they don't taste good. Don't forget the Bulk/Lady/baby/plain old fingers, got to have tons of those. After Pesach well all run to the nearest pizza store for some good ol' chametz (does anyone know how much pizza time is selling the first slice?). And then its over, all the chaos, all the cleaning, all for 8 day, and it goes just like that (snap).

Wishing everyone a Happy and Easy (you know how people say have an easy fast, well Pesach isn't any easier) Pesach.

YOUR PESACH CLEANING

Ever since Chanukah you haven't stopped scrubbing. You started with your attic, and then went straight towards the basement. By Purim you already had matzoh ready to give to shaloch manot, because you were afraid to have chametz. You also made sure not to accept any shaloch manot, for fear of any chametz residue. Now with a few days left to Pesach, you cant seem to find anything else to clean, but you keep going around searching with a spoon a feather and a candle..... that runs on a extremely powerful battery to produce a very strong light, every single day, who cares if everyone else only does that the night before.

Today, you have cleaned everything in you house, and yesterday...... and the day before. You have been so far removed from the purpose of getting rid of chametz; that you are getting rid of anything that will remotely make a mess, even the matzoh meal you have is to be taken with caution. You have become one with OCD, or a smaller version of Pesach syndrome (Pesach syndrome also involves crazy shopping attitudes, and weird minhagim like not eating anything that touched anything that was once a liquid for fear of it making your food gebrukts [which is only a fear of it having some flour not baked that you still have to wait 18 minutes for it to become chametz]).

You have cleaned, you have finished, nothing got in your way, and there is still a few hours now till Pesach. Wait, go back a few words "nothing got in your way", now how did that happen? you think to yourself. You then remember, YOU HAVE KIDS!!! You didn't prepare for this.

1,2,3,4 kids step into your house running amok, nope, now 5,6,7 and their all yours. They are spreading dirt all over the place, with their muddy shoes, or was it dog doo? You start going crazy, not knowing where to start to stop this. You try getting hold of all the kids, you line up which ever ones you can catch. You count ".....3,4,5 wheres 6 and 7?" you say. You turn around and 6 and 7 are assembling a chametz bomb. "Oh no" you scream. "Don't set that off...... how did you get that? what does it do?" you say. They reply "its a chametz bomb we leftover from Purim and we need to get rid of it before Pesach". "No way" you say "I cleaned the whole house for months now, don't make it all go to waste with a few hours to Pesach". Boom!! you are okay, but the chametz bomb did some serious damage to your house leaving pieces of bread, and leavened dough, stuck everywhere in your house. 6 and 7 are covered in chametz.

You quickly gather everyone in your family, as a stroke of genius falls upon you. You are going to sell the house to a goy and go somewhere for Pesach, in the few short hours you have left, just so you can avoid all the cleaning (how convenient). You, the seven children and spouse, are going to have a worry free Pesach after all, which begs the question, why not do this in the first place?

PESACH AND OCD

We know that many Jews have OCD. Pesach time, is the only time for them to feel normal. Everyone is going crazy to have every book in the house clean, wiping each and every page. The floors are washed and washed again. The carpet is vacuumed by the maid, then the wife, and then a child. The cabinets are sealed because of impurity, with a sign on it saying not to touch it. Some things are sold because you are too afraid to even have it in your possession. Everything you do to clean for Pesach is very OCD friendly, you cant even tell the difference between a normal person and one with OCD. You can say "When it comes to celebrating Pesach everyone does it the same (this is also meant for people not religious)" .

But Pesach may be a reason why people become OCD in the first place. Besides for the fact that Jewish life itself may cause people to become OCD; through, going to mikvos which aren't clean, or because you don't go to mikvos every second it makes you feel unclean, or because Jewish law requires washing and cleansing yourself from the evil spirit (its phrased as evil spirit, though its really just an impurity on your hands) that rests upon you many times (before you eat you waah, when you wake up, etc.etc.etc.).

Well, Pesach requires even more cleaning, and getting rid of impurities, more than any other holiday in the Jewish Calendar. Chametz is referred to as a the evil inclination, which is not allowed to be eaten on Passover. Chametz is found in almost any food, syrup, drink there is. Not only that; but, you must check that you don't have any chametz in your house on Pesach, not even crumbs, in the smallest of corners. Will this not make anyone go crazy cleaning for Passover? it can inject such a fear of this sin; that, people will gain an OCD behavior from this. They will scrub and check countless times, just to make sure they wont have any chametz over passover. They will be very afraid of what they eat during Pesach, for fear that the one who supervises, to make sure its kosher l'pesach, didn't do a good enough job.

Pesach is a rough time of year, but don't let it make you crazy (do a lot of destressers, as told by the Mishpacha magazine ).

OH NO ITS COMING, AT THE WORST TIME!!!

Everybody quick, run, jump, hide, PESACH 09 is coming!! Everyone has no clue how it came so quickly this year, and what bad timing it has.


After learning that Purim does in fact come before Pesach this year, as in many other years, you can only wonder, WHY? Let me explain why we ask why; Purim has come and you gave everybody mishloach manot and they gave back, now you have tons of chametz laying around the house, and Pesach is coming in a month!! Why does Purim come right before Pesach?Explained.

I think Pesach has the worst timing possible; you have to prepare months before hand, and Purim is right in the middle of it. Well, the Talmud argues with me and says Passover comes at the best time of year, spring, and the Talmud is right (in affect that means The Talmudist is right too, somehow). To that I have two things to say: one is I am wrong and Purim is the one that should be moved earlier on the calendar instead, or, the Talmud only referred to the Egypt-Israel area (I am liking the last one) and everywhere else Peasch should be moved.

Since we confirmed this to be true, Purim before Pesach, and they arent moving (yet), there is only one good option, WE ALL GO SOMEWHERE REALLY EXPENSIVE FOR PESACH, AND LEAVE THE CHAMETZ BEHIND. 3 reasons why, one we are putting money back into the economy, 2) we are escaping all the chametz and 3) All the ads in the Jewish newspapers are practically begging us to for the last 3 months. Who's with me? anybody?....anybody?...... how about you, no? okay...... anybody?

MEGILLAH READING

Notice: this was supposed to be posted taanit esther, then got pushed off and got pushed off on Purim, again. I was very busy, but its here now.

Everyone is always pumped for the first megillah reading, as if they are supposed get a reward for it, but truth be told there is nothing so special about it.

Everyone crowds into shul, some in their costumes, and some not. Maybe its the fact that everyone, who does have a costume, likes to show off their great costume. Some might have great costumes and think so, some don't have great ones and still think so. But I don't think this is why everyone likes megillah reading; otherwise, you can just have a normal party with everyone bringing their costumes.


Then you have to wait for the megillah reading that you were pumped about, through most of maariv; is this a great way to start off Purim? Okay so now you've started megillah reading, its got a funny tune to it, but its not something to be pumped about, and if you want to bang when the reader says Haman, you still have to wait till the third perek to hear the first one. I don't think that's why people are pumped about it; besides, the fact that you bang a little, there is really nothing to be so pumped about.

Another thing not to be pumped about is that, you hear the same story every year, who wants that. Go tell a five year old the same story every year (he will have to be five for quite a few years) you'll never hear him asking for you tell a story again. Not only that, but you are fasting at this point in time, no one wants to listen to megillah.

This leaves me to realize that the only reason people are pumped about megillah is that everyone is quiet during it; otherwise, you miss a word and aren't yotzei. Who wouldn't like for everyone to be quiet at some point in time, I definitely would like that.

If you have a different reason to be pumped about megillah reading, please share.

HAPPY PURIM!!!!!

To all have a happy, and sameach Purim. (Heres some shalcoh manot).

FROM MIKE IN MIDWOOD

PURIM IS ONE HECTIC NIGHT

Purim has arrived, as you celebrate the breaking of the fast of Esther. You bite into a piece of sponge cake and drink some orange juice. Then you hear everyone quiet down (is that even possible), the rabbi says a brachah and then everyone eats. "Oh shoots" you say" I ate before the rabbi, eh who cares" as you shrug it off.

You come home and decide to do some last minute preperation for shaloch manot. You are trying to think of what else you can put in, or what else you can put it in. You decide that the idea you had, of using a bag to keep the shaloch manot in, is okay. There you are (waving to us in the camera) stuffing in shaloch manot, twist tying it, and labeling it with your cheesy greeting card/label. You are finally done. You look at all of the bags you packed and set in rows against the wall. You say "They are all so nice, I picked a good bag, I even like the air holes at the bottom of every bag" you think for a moment, then.... "Hey, there aren't supposed to be any air holes, how did they get there? Oh shoots!". Turns out your bags were pierced by the sharp edges of your wafer boxes, as everything begins to spill out. All your work is ruined as you are wondering why you didn't go with the nice looking baskets like everyone else will, cheap isn't smart you say.

All of a (the) sudden, you hear the door bell ring, you open the door only to find people in costumes, and a limo in front of your house. You live in a very Jewish neighborhood, all are Jewish except your non-Jewish next door neighbor, so you expected this. The guys in costumes all start singing Chayiv inish libsumim (and smoke), as they dance there way in a circle into your house. You wait till they quiet down and ask what they want from you, they answer with, money. You ask what are you collecting for, they say "oh we are for a heiligeh tzedakah that if you give to it, all blessing shall be upon you". So you give 18$, one guy mutters "I thought this guy was rich?" You answer "you're right cheap isn't smart here's more" you give 50$ more. They leave and say thank you.

As you turn from your door it rings again, only to find another group waiting at it. They come in a circle dancing into your house singing Mishehnichnis adar marbim bisimchah. These guys just don't know when to end. You hear the door ring again, you assume its another group with a limo outside, and you are right. The new group starts singing Mishehnichnas adar marbim bisimchah, but a different tune. So now both groups have joined together, singing different tunes to the same song. You then say "Alright guys time to get what you came for". They instantly stop. The first group begins to say "We are collecting for...." they are cut off by the second group saying "helping children with difficulties is..." and they too are cut off. Now both groups are fighting, one says "we were here first" the other says "vinahapichu", you think they are both valid statements. You say to them "I have an idea here's 50$ to both of you guys and now it settled".

This goes on another 5 or 6 times, to each a fifty or more, and its getting annoying. You decide to take out a bottle of wine to drown this all out, you just cant take it any more. Another ring is at your door, this time its a drunk group of guys stumbling in you say "guys keep it down", turns out they cant. Singing off key is the game and staying in a straight line is a challenge for them. One guy starts stepping on your already ruined shaloch manot, You scream "Hey off my air-holed shaloch manot!!" the guy jumps off them after jumping on one more. Then there is this one guy who proceeds to vomit on your sofa, you scream "Oh shoots! Clean that right now you drunk bum!!" he just sits in it. Another ring at your door, and then another, and another, and another. "AAAHHHH!!!!" you yell "GET OUT, GET OUT GET OUT, AND YOU STOP SITTING IN YOUR VOMIT!!!!!!!!". You threaten to call the cops, you threaten to use a baseball bat, they aren't afraid, as they overtake your house. You take out your bat and are ready to swing. You hear a knock at the door. You open it ready to swing, you see two cops.

"Hey sir don't swing", the cops say, you drop the bat in utter astonishment. The cops say "sir we have got an anonymous tip from a neighbor of yours" the goy next door you believe, "that its loud and you are giving booze to minors. You say "I ain't loud officers and I ain't giving booze". The cops look at the guy sitting in his throw up, and then at the bottle of wine you used to drown it all out with. Instant panic comes to your mind, Oh shoots I'm going to the slammer, you think.

You are deciding to make a daring move to save yourself. Oops too late, looks like you already decided as you jump on one of the cops to cover his eyes as to not let him see everything wrong in your house. Instant uproar has set in; the cops are trying to get you off, a cherry bomb just exploded, you think it was a gun shot, all the drunkards are hurrying/stumbling out, you are being banged in to every wall as the cops are trying to knock you off. Finally they get you off, Oh shoots you think, now my plan has failed.

The cops say "Sir we have reason to believe you have been selling illegal fireworks to minors too, you are so busted". "YOU SCREAM NOT TRUE NOT TRUE, YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!!!!". The cops manage to get a hold of your struggling body, pretty easily. As they drag you to the police car you scream "YOU'RE ALL DEAD, ALL YOU COLLECTORS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!! AND YOU TWO COPS YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!!!!! YOU HEAR ME!!! YOU HEAR MEEEEE!!!!! as they stuff you into the car.

Now you are in jail, you cant even make your phone call because you weren't cheap, and gave all your money to the tzedakos. You thought to yourself "it wasn't good to be cheap because of your air holed shaloch manot and you should have been cheap because now you cant pay for the phone call, you are so confused. You also tried to get out of this whole mess with pleading "vinahapichu", it didn't work. Your last thoughts before we finish this posts is "Why isn't Madoff getting at least half the bad treatment you are", and to that we will never know.

TIPS FOR PURIM

We all know that Megillah is hard to listen to once you hit like the 5th perek, and you still have to listen to every word that's said, kind of hard. There are those that reread every word they think they missed, but since I am giving out tips today you obviously wont need to do that. The solution: did you know that you can be half asleep and still be yotzei your megillah needs? its true, as long as you can be woken up by someone calling your name, you can rest through the whole megillah reading (except when they bang for haman, gonna be hard to stay dozing through that).

After you are done breaking your fast, you will most probably hit by the swarm of collectors going around in limos. They will ask for every penny you have, most of it to pay for their ride. You will be danced around to every Purim song there is, it gets quite annoying. Solution: Give each group a 5$ and tell them to leave right away, you save your money, dont get annoyed, and its getting the mitzvah of tzedakah. If you do not want to give tzedakah, then you can hang a big cross on your door so no one will come (remember to take off the mezuzah). If you don't feel like hanging a cross on your door, due to the neighbors, then you can tell every group that comes by, "My children are sleeping I don't want you to wake them up" and you dont pay them either.

Then it will come day time, and the shaloch manot will be plenty. You don't want to look out done by your neighbors, who are giving you glass vases filled with all assortments including those mint chocolates no one likes, or have these themes that will cost a fortune, what to do? Solution: If you are a cheap person, you wont care what you give to them, in fact you give it back. If you are a person who just cant afford to make such an extravagant basket, you should know that you are only required to give two things, and no they don't have to be two different brachos, contrary to what everyone thinks ( Shulchan aruch clearly states that you can give two types of meat [both shehakol], it even goes so far as to say that maybe you can give a piece of chicken and the bottom and the top are two different things and you are yotzei, but we hold you aren't yoztei with one piece of chicken). That is all you have to do, almost nothing, or you give only one person, still yotzei.

People like to get drunk on Purim, your child or husband might too. You do not want them to come home drunk, and vomiting. Solution: Not much I can help you with here, only a little less vomiting. So to lessen the vomit: (Edit from Moshe) don't drink on an empty stomach. Drink water, alcohol dehydrates you and you throw up. Drink milk before drinking, it will lessen the effects by reducing your stomach's effectiveness of absorbing alcohol. After you come home, drink chamomile tea, preferably with mint.Unless you're Russian, don't mix! before drinking. Also do not give them the keys to the car when they go out on Purim (this isnt because of vomiting), make them walk. If possible convince them that sleeping allows you to be yotzei getting drunk on Purim, which it doesn't (clearly written in halachah seforim). If you yourself are drinking, then try to drink water right after you take a shot, I hear it helps you not vomit.

Another good tip is, don't drink and drive on Purim. Reasons: On a day where you should drink till you don't know, you shouldn't be driving, you may get lost. #2, With all the traffic out on the roads, it would be better if you were alert. #3 (an obvious) you may spill your drink, and #4, jail isn't fun.

I hope these tips can help you this Purim, if you have any more I will be glad to add them on to my list.

PURIM COSTUMES

Throughout Jewish history people dressed up on Purim. Some costumes are normal work clothes some people have, others are made of clothes that are worn by specific people, then there are those food or drink costumes, and the I just threw what ever random article of clothe I had, with sunglasses.

Why do we wear costumes on Purim, and no its not to copy Halloween. Well at one point in time G-d hid himself from us as he made a hidden miracle for the Jews of Persia. So we commemorate to this by hiding ourselves, like g-d did. Okay so now you know.

Some famous work clothes costumes are; the soldier, doctor, nurse, hatzolah guy, policeman, fireman, cowboys, pirates and clowns. These are easy, and you can buy it anywhere. I always see some kids playing around as if they are real soldiers, and some threatening their friends that they will arrest them with their plastic handcuffs. the doctor one works real well with the healthy theme, or the hospital theme, the kids just need a white lab coat and a stethoscope.

Then there is the specifics. Dressing up as a president (Obama wont be hard), animals, fruits and vegetables, Elvis, Terrorists, the guy on the monopoly board (I did this once) and many more like this. Gorillas are the favorite animals people dress up as. Food is easy, I dressed up as a cherry once. Elvis is a famous one out there, just as much as any character in the Purim story. That reminds me; Esther is the fave among girls, vashti isn't, who wants to look ugly? Mordechai is made out to be a guy with a Black hat and a beard with a black jacket, he wore a turban and a robe! Haman is very distinct, a triangle hat and your done, but this year he is being taken over by Bernie Madoff. Achashveirosh the king of Persia, my brother loved dressing up as him. And of course there are the people who throw on anything with a pair of sunglasses.

I love to hear the stupid comments people make about costumes on Purim. Here are some; "You did a good job on your vashti costume" and then one wearing it says "I'm supposed to be Esther", or "I cant tell who is under that mask", or "I love your costume, what did you dress up as?" all of these can go with the cheesy greeting on the shaloch manot.

I actually like costumes people make themselves, their very creative. I always liked to make my own costumes. I was the monopoly guy once (my shaloch manot went with this as a theme), an Arab (I took an old shirt and one of those big red rubber bands and made a kafia), a crazy doctor (I used some sort of scissor shaped clamp as glasses, I clamped the thing to my nose, it had two holes to see through) and another time an outsourced worker for dell computers named Badu.

Listen, any costume can be great or bad, it depends on what you do with it. Heres to a well dresssed purim.