Its not Purim without my pressidor wafers

I thought I didn't leave anything for me to write about Purim this year after last year with my full week of Purim posts, turns out you never really know. I'm linking to last years posts if you missed it or want to remember it, yes Ive been around long enough to link to old posts.

Well I wrote about Purim themes and and costumes all very nice, but the truth is I don't like themes at all, too much effort has to go into it and I'm more of a traditional shaloch manot giver. I hate it when my family makes themes, for example: orange and red was one theme and everyone thought it was fire, or the time we went all natural and people were really confused. That's really why I don't like themes bad experiences with them and my liking of traditional ways intertwined. My idea of Shaloch manot is just giving a big box of Pressidors wafers and a bottle of grape juice, actually I'm craving some of that right now.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time and effort that's put into a theme, one guy gave me a stimulus package last year with a money sign on the front of the bag really funny. The best theme Ive ever seen was Drunkin Donuts the guy made a box that looked like a real dunkin donuts box and I think it cost a lot to make, still pretty impressive, and I made sure to aprreciate it in my spare time. Ill stick to my tradition which I'm very happy with, and who doesn't want a box of pressidor wafers, you cant say no it just not purim without pressidor wafers.

YOUR PESACH CLEANING

Ever since Chanukah you haven't stopped scrubbing. You started with your attic, and then went straight towards the basement. By Purim you already had matzoh ready to give to shaloch manot, because you were afraid to have chametz. You also made sure not to accept any shaloch manot, for fear of any chametz residue. Now with a few days left to Pesach, you cant seem to find anything else to clean, but you keep going around searching with a spoon a feather and a candle..... that runs on a extremely powerful battery to produce a very strong light, every single day, who cares if everyone else only does that the night before.

Today, you have cleaned everything in you house, and yesterday...... and the day before. You have been so far removed from the purpose of getting rid of chametz; that you are getting rid of anything that will remotely make a mess, even the matzoh meal you have is to be taken with caution. You have become one with OCD, or a smaller version of Pesach syndrome (Pesach syndrome also involves crazy shopping attitudes, and weird minhagim like not eating anything that touched anything that was once a liquid for fear of it making your food gebrukts [which is only a fear of it having some flour not baked that you still have to wait 18 minutes for it to become chametz]).

You have cleaned, you have finished, nothing got in your way, and there is still a few hours now till Pesach. Wait, go back a few words "nothing got in your way", now how did that happen? you think to yourself. You then remember, YOU HAVE KIDS!!! You didn't prepare for this.

1,2,3,4 kids step into your house running amok, nope, now 5,6,7 and their all yours. They are spreading dirt all over the place, with their muddy shoes, or was it dog doo? You start going crazy, not knowing where to start to stop this. You try getting hold of all the kids, you line up which ever ones you can catch. You count ".....3,4,5 wheres 6 and 7?" you say. You turn around and 6 and 7 are assembling a chametz bomb. "Oh no" you scream. "Don't set that off...... how did you get that? what does it do?" you say. They reply "its a chametz bomb we leftover from Purim and we need to get rid of it before Pesach". "No way" you say "I cleaned the whole house for months now, don't make it all go to waste with a few hours to Pesach". Boom!! you are okay, but the chametz bomb did some serious damage to your house leaving pieces of bread, and leavened dough, stuck everywhere in your house. 6 and 7 are covered in chametz.

You quickly gather everyone in your family, as a stroke of genius falls upon you. You are going to sell the house to a goy and go somewhere for Pesach, in the few short hours you have left, just so you can avoid all the cleaning (how convenient). You, the seven children and spouse, are going to have a worry free Pesach after all, which begs the question, why not do this in the first place?

HAPPY PURIM!!!!!

To all have a happy, and sameach Purim. (Heres some shalcoh manot).

FROM MIKE IN MIDWOOD

PURIM IS ONE HECTIC NIGHT

Purim has arrived, as you celebrate the breaking of the fast of Esther. You bite into a piece of sponge cake and drink some orange juice. Then you hear everyone quiet down (is that even possible), the rabbi says a brachah and then everyone eats. "Oh shoots" you say" I ate before the rabbi, eh who cares" as you shrug it off.

You come home and decide to do some last minute preperation for shaloch manot. You are trying to think of what else you can put in, or what else you can put it in. You decide that the idea you had, of using a bag to keep the shaloch manot in, is okay. There you are (waving to us in the camera) stuffing in shaloch manot, twist tying it, and labeling it with your cheesy greeting card/label. You are finally done. You look at all of the bags you packed and set in rows against the wall. You say "They are all so nice, I picked a good bag, I even like the air holes at the bottom of every bag" you think for a moment, then.... "Hey, there aren't supposed to be any air holes, how did they get there? Oh shoots!". Turns out your bags were pierced by the sharp edges of your wafer boxes, as everything begins to spill out. All your work is ruined as you are wondering why you didn't go with the nice looking baskets like everyone else will, cheap isn't smart you say.

All of a (the) sudden, you hear the door bell ring, you open the door only to find people in costumes, and a limo in front of your house. You live in a very Jewish neighborhood, all are Jewish except your non-Jewish next door neighbor, so you expected this. The guys in costumes all start singing Chayiv inish libsumim (and smoke), as they dance there way in a circle into your house. You wait till they quiet down and ask what they want from you, they answer with, money. You ask what are you collecting for, they say "oh we are for a heiligeh tzedakah that if you give to it, all blessing shall be upon you". So you give 18$, one guy mutters "I thought this guy was rich?" You answer "you're right cheap isn't smart here's more" you give 50$ more. They leave and say thank you.

As you turn from your door it rings again, only to find another group waiting at it. They come in a circle dancing into your house singing Mishehnichnis adar marbim bisimchah. These guys just don't know when to end. You hear the door ring again, you assume its another group with a limo outside, and you are right. The new group starts singing Mishehnichnas adar marbim bisimchah, but a different tune. So now both groups have joined together, singing different tunes to the same song. You then say "Alright guys time to get what you came for". They instantly stop. The first group begins to say "We are collecting for...." they are cut off by the second group saying "helping children with difficulties is..." and they too are cut off. Now both groups are fighting, one says "we were here first" the other says "vinahapichu", you think they are both valid statements. You say to them "I have an idea here's 50$ to both of you guys and now it settled".

This goes on another 5 or 6 times, to each a fifty or more, and its getting annoying. You decide to take out a bottle of wine to drown this all out, you just cant take it any more. Another ring is at your door, this time its a drunk group of guys stumbling in you say "guys keep it down", turns out they cant. Singing off key is the game and staying in a straight line is a challenge for them. One guy starts stepping on your already ruined shaloch manot, You scream "Hey off my air-holed shaloch manot!!" the guy jumps off them after jumping on one more. Then there is this one guy who proceeds to vomit on your sofa, you scream "Oh shoots! Clean that right now you drunk bum!!" he just sits in it. Another ring at your door, and then another, and another, and another. "AAAHHHH!!!!" you yell "GET OUT, GET OUT GET OUT, AND YOU STOP SITTING IN YOUR VOMIT!!!!!!!!". You threaten to call the cops, you threaten to use a baseball bat, they aren't afraid, as they overtake your house. You take out your bat and are ready to swing. You hear a knock at the door. You open it ready to swing, you see two cops.

"Hey sir don't swing", the cops say, you drop the bat in utter astonishment. The cops say "sir we have got an anonymous tip from a neighbor of yours" the goy next door you believe, "that its loud and you are giving booze to minors. You say "I ain't loud officers and I ain't giving booze". The cops look at the guy sitting in his throw up, and then at the bottle of wine you used to drown it all out with. Instant panic comes to your mind, Oh shoots I'm going to the slammer, you think.

You are deciding to make a daring move to save yourself. Oops too late, looks like you already decided as you jump on one of the cops to cover his eyes as to not let him see everything wrong in your house. Instant uproar has set in; the cops are trying to get you off, a cherry bomb just exploded, you think it was a gun shot, all the drunkards are hurrying/stumbling out, you are being banged in to every wall as the cops are trying to knock you off. Finally they get you off, Oh shoots you think, now my plan has failed.

The cops say "Sir we have reason to believe you have been selling illegal fireworks to minors too, you are so busted". "YOU SCREAM NOT TRUE NOT TRUE, YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!!!!". The cops manage to get a hold of your struggling body, pretty easily. As they drag you to the police car you scream "YOU'RE ALL DEAD, ALL YOU COLLECTORS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!! AND YOU TWO COPS YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!!!!! YOU HEAR ME!!! YOU HEAR MEEEEE!!!!! as they stuff you into the car.

Now you are in jail, you cant even make your phone call because you weren't cheap, and gave all your money to the tzedakos. You thought to yourself "it wasn't good to be cheap because of your air holed shaloch manot and you should have been cheap because now you cant pay for the phone call, you are so confused. You also tried to get out of this whole mess with pleading "vinahapichu", it didn't work. Your last thoughts before we finish this posts is "Why isn't Madoff getting at least half the bad treatment you are", and to that we will never know.

TIPS FOR PURIM

We all know that Megillah is hard to listen to once you hit like the 5th perek, and you still have to listen to every word that's said, kind of hard. There are those that reread every word they think they missed, but since I am giving out tips today you obviously wont need to do that. The solution: did you know that you can be half asleep and still be yotzei your megillah needs? its true, as long as you can be woken up by someone calling your name, you can rest through the whole megillah reading (except when they bang for haman, gonna be hard to stay dozing through that).

After you are done breaking your fast, you will most probably hit by the swarm of collectors going around in limos. They will ask for every penny you have, most of it to pay for their ride. You will be danced around to every Purim song there is, it gets quite annoying. Solution: Give each group a 5$ and tell them to leave right away, you save your money, dont get annoyed, and its getting the mitzvah of tzedakah. If you do not want to give tzedakah, then you can hang a big cross on your door so no one will come (remember to take off the mezuzah). If you don't feel like hanging a cross on your door, due to the neighbors, then you can tell every group that comes by, "My children are sleeping I don't want you to wake them up" and you dont pay them either.

Then it will come day time, and the shaloch manot will be plenty. You don't want to look out done by your neighbors, who are giving you glass vases filled with all assortments including those mint chocolates no one likes, or have these themes that will cost a fortune, what to do? Solution: If you are a cheap person, you wont care what you give to them, in fact you give it back. If you are a person who just cant afford to make such an extravagant basket, you should know that you are only required to give two things, and no they don't have to be two different brachos, contrary to what everyone thinks ( Shulchan aruch clearly states that you can give two types of meat [both shehakol], it even goes so far as to say that maybe you can give a piece of chicken and the bottom and the top are two different things and you are yotzei, but we hold you aren't yoztei with one piece of chicken). That is all you have to do, almost nothing, or you give only one person, still yotzei.

People like to get drunk on Purim, your child or husband might too. You do not want them to come home drunk, and vomiting. Solution: Not much I can help you with here, only a little less vomiting. So to lessen the vomit: (Edit from Moshe) don't drink on an empty stomach. Drink water, alcohol dehydrates you and you throw up. Drink milk before drinking, it will lessen the effects by reducing your stomach's effectiveness of absorbing alcohol. After you come home, drink chamomile tea, preferably with mint.Unless you're Russian, don't mix! before drinking. Also do not give them the keys to the car when they go out on Purim (this isnt because of vomiting), make them walk. If possible convince them that sleeping allows you to be yotzei getting drunk on Purim, which it doesn't (clearly written in halachah seforim). If you yourself are drinking, then try to drink water right after you take a shot, I hear it helps you not vomit.

Another good tip is, don't drink and drive on Purim. Reasons: On a day where you should drink till you don't know, you shouldn't be driving, you may get lost. #2, With all the traffic out on the roads, it would be better if you were alert. #3 (an obvious) you may spill your drink, and #4, jail isn't fun.

I hope these tips can help you this Purim, if you have any more I will be glad to add them on to my list.

PURIM THEMES

What ever compelled people to have a theme for Purim? Purim is a time where themes were destroyed. V'nahapichu (vi-nuh-ha-pi-choo), meaning everything is turned upside down and all around; themes are the opposite of that, and no one cares, so lets move on.

Something you must know about a theme. It must have; objects relating to the theme (well duh!), shaloch manos in accordance to the theme, costumes have to be related, and cheesy greeting labels on the shaloch manos telling you who its from and some random thing about having a great Purim related to the theme (E.G. Your Purim theme is donuts, your greeting is "Do nuts on Purim" or "donut drink and drive on Purim if you had too much to know if you had too much"[this one is usually from the token hatzalah guy])

There is the clown theme. The clown theme is the most common theme for families; the father throws on a jester hat with bells, the kids all have the colorful hair and a big red nose, yellow polka dotted suits. The shaloch manos is not given out with some cheesy greeting (big exception), only a regular "Purim sameach from the somethingsteins" or "a freilichim Purim from the soandsomans". The shaloch manos is filled with anything that is remotely clownish, and there is no food that's remotely clownish, so they give a bottle of grape juice, animal crackers, chocolate and maybe a soda. The clown theme is not one of the best ones out there.

The Airplane theme. Better than the clown theme, the airplane theme has more variety and it practically writes itself. The kids can dress up as flight attendants or pilots. You know you are going to give airline food to everyone, with some complimentary peanuts. The cheesy greeting written can be "Hope you have sky high Purim feeling from the ........"

Then there is the I-just-knocked-off-a-famous-company-theme. Drunkin donuts, McDavid, Mendy's (wendys), Dairy Esther (dairy queen) etc.etc... these all are done in a stupid and yet clever way. The stupid, is the way they think of the names, and how the theme is just a non OUD kosher knock off of the real product. The clever, is how they present this too you; in a box or bag that is similar to the regular companies, but has there logo on it. The cheesy greetings have too many variables to write, but ill let you know something, they are all cheesy.

The Zionist theme: Cookies in a bag shaped like Israel with two big bites in them (resembling Gaza and west bank), with a note saying "Israel is like a cookie and everyone wants a bite out of it". Blue and white is the color used for the wrapping. The kids hold Israeli flags and have blue and white face paint. The greetings can have something like "may Israel triumph over its enemies as in the past" that's if they are really Zionist, or "With enough wine on Purim America can look like Israel too".

The recession theme: Has a bottle of wine stating "drown it out with this" and and some red hots with a label saying "Burn Bernie (Madoff) burn". The greeting goes like this "Madoff is the new haman". (I cant believe I even thought of this as a theme, its horrible).

The healthy food theme: Not much to explain, everyone dresses like vegetables, and no one wants their shaloch manot.

The color themes: The color theme is lame, even more so then the clown, but not as much as the healthy food one. My family did it 2 years in a row ( different colors). One year we did red and orange, everyone thought it was supposed to be fire, and the other year it was yellow, I was not to fond either one. The greeting can go like, depending on your color, "orange you glad its Purim" or "don't turn green this Purim" or "Esther was green shaded".

Then there is the I-Don't-have-a-theme-theme. Everyone dresses up as whatever they want, You give any normal wafers and grape juice out there. You write a poem or "chag sameach from us" and you're done.

Of course there are more themes out there, hospital, kitchen, just to mention a few, but you got the basic idea of themes. Personally I think themes stupid, I am more for the traditional give and get, not the I thought of something decent and, of course, cheesy. Hope this post has helped you think of a theme, or gave you ideas. P.S. The Zionist one was my idea, cookie and all, I wanted to use it this year, but you can use if you want.