Kosher Innovations That Didnt Make It

Over the years KI has made inventions that have astounded the Jewish world. The most famous being the kosher lamp and toilet paper. Some less famous ones include the mitzvah muzzle and lashon hara gag. But there were some ideas that were rejected or just never caught on.

Tznius leg warmers were one of the items that never made it. Being that regular leg warmers resemble pants they decided to make it a one piece that wrapped around both legs instead of two separate ones for two separate feet. It never caught on due to the inability to walk in them.

Purple Ketchup. Who remembers purple ketchup? Yes the KI institution of frumology came up with this one. We know that red is an immodest color. If you like being bleached then hop on over to meah she'arim wearing red, they will be more than happy to shower you in bleach. So instead of the usual immodest ketchup they turned it purple. The purple Ketchup hit its climax when it made its way into McDonald's happy meals. That's when Kosher Innovations decided their product is to kosher to make it to a non-kosher place, and they pulled it from the shelves never to be seen again.

The Umbrella Hat. The hat that could be used for davening and acts as an umbrella when you cant carry one on shabbos. This too never caught on for various reasons that included it looking ridiculous.

The Talis Kattan Bag. "We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item over night. Available with name tags (this is from last years post)". Well as much as they thought it would catch on like the talis bag, it didn't and they aborted this one too.

There are probably many more of inventions like these that I don't know of. They feel rejected and hurt because no one wants them. I'm just voicing them to others out there, because maybe they too will one day become like their role model inventions such as the Kosher Phone, Kosher lamp, Tefillin sweater and others.

DOOF SQUARE

Doesn't it seem a bit ridiculous that the famous Jewish company New Square (I guess that's what we will call it for now) decided to rename their milk product My Skware, but not their other products (?). Are there a bunch of tuna beigels running the company that think its kool to misspell words (probably learnt it from texting on their blackberrys)? and thought that kids will drink it if its misspelled (or do they really not know how to spell?) In any case they spelled it kind of weird and there was no reason to call it My Skware when New Square was just fine.

But just when you thought it was all over and the shenanigans were all solved, they decided to rename their milk "Best Square" (and their other products still haven't changed from New Square). I only have more and more questions, why cant they choose a name (for all their products) and stick to it, it really doesn't matter what the name is just keep to one so I can buy milk without going "uhhhhh..... hmmmmm........ ummmm..... Huh? (tilts head)".

If they need a name so badly then I got one for them "Doof Square", it describes them perfectly.

INTERESTING NEWS

Good evening I am your host Mike In Midwood. In tonight's news the global chain store Gap has sold one of its top and most expensive branches, Banana Republic, to a Jewish organization made up of rabbis know as Agudath Yisroel. The offer was made by the rabbis after they noticed that there were many orthodox Jews who shopped there often, one anonymous rabbi was reported saying "Its ah shandah dat dey buy frum dis Banana Republic, bananas are meant for monkeys and dats for de shvartzes you see on de street". The new frum chain store, Rabbinical Republic, will sell only expensive black clothing (the picture shows the manikins). The designer of the new chain store told us in an exclusive interview, ".... There will be so many different styles of black it will blow your mind...". The new Frum store will be opening up worldwide next z'man.

In other news (straightens stack of papers), Kosher Innovations has made your commute to the city just a little more kosher. The idea came up as coworkers, at the KI main building on 13th ave. in Boro Park, were brainstorming as to what to do for all the people who don't drive to work, and therefore don't use a kosher GPS to guide them, how will they get to work kosherly? One of the coworkers told us how it went down, "We just couldn't figure out what other useless item we can innovate, then someone mentioned Kosher subway cars, and we all jumped over the idea". The new Kosher subway cars, much like the kosher GPS, will feature a male voice, instead of a woman's and a mashgiach to make sure the car stays kosher. The male voice will be used to tell you which stop is next and to stay clear of the closing doors (please). The idea is being tossed around the MTA as of now, and is said that if the new subway cars come in the fare will be hiked up another 25 cents.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.

This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

INNOVATING USELESS KOSHERNESS

We here at Kosher Innovations are working hard for you at every given moment, and are looking to make your kosher life easier. So we introduce to you THE KOSHER LAMP, LIGHT SWITCH COVER tm. This new invention allows to you to feel safe when around your kosher lamp, so you wont come to turn it off. See how we make your life easier.

Also for shabbos, we have a new alarm clock. You have the regular alarms for shachris 1, and shacharis 2, then mincha and ma'ariv; but now we have one new alarm for the musaf service too, to make sure you don't over sleep musaf.


Have you ever felt the need to calculate how much money you owe to your child's yeshiva? Well we are in the middle of mass producing a never before seen pocket computer system, that will be able to instantly calculate how much you owe to the yeshiva. All you have to do is punch in a few numbers from your bill, and how much you paid so far, and it will magically tell you what you owe. All those years of not taking math class, will finally pay off. And if you order right now, then when we start to sell the product, we will give you an extra one, free!, so you can keep track of your other child's tuition bill too!

Kosher Innovations is truly working hard for you.


To donate to this non-profit organization call 1800-Ino-vate, or e-mail us at Kosherinnovaters613@yahoo.com (you cant e-mail us from optimum or dial up, only koshernet will work)

KOLLEL-OPOLY

From the makers of the hit game Jewish Geography, comes the new game of Kollel-opoly. PB (Pollack Brothers) have come out with numerous games that represent the Jewish lifestyle, the game of life being one of them (includes the shidduch crisis and all). The Pollack Brothers were thought to have made a knock off of the original game monopoly, but they specifically said kollel-opoly had nothing to do with it.

How to play: There are up to 8 players, and 8 pieces; A black hat, a jacket, a no lace shoe, a white shirt, a yeshivishe car, one female (modestly dressed) and other such characters. Each player starts off at NU MOVE IT ALREADY (GO), where each player, as they go around the board, will collect their 200$ kollel paycheck for the month. Each player spins the dice, and whatever number it says on the dice, that's how many spaces you move. Don't worry, there is a mechitzah that lines the board to accommodate the one female player, so as to coincide with halachah.

Buying Yeshivos: To buy Yeshivos, for example: the highest priced yeshivah is Beis Medrash Gevoah or BMG (the equivalent to boardwalk) is priced at 400$. If you have a set of yeshivos in one area you can make the tuition higher for the yeshivos, just simply buy coffee rooms (houses), if you have bought 5 coffee rooms, you exchange it for a Dormitory (hotel), this increases the price of tuition in your yeshivos.

Kollel, Free parking, and go to kollel: Kollel (equivalent to Jail) you can make transactions through kollel (remember you have bluetooth and a blackberry). To get out of Kollel (chas v'shalom) you must pay a minimum fee of 50$ kinas, you may then leave next turn, you can stay in kollel up to three turns (you have to go home to your wife sometime, although not recommended). Free parking; lucky you, you don't live in Brooklyn, you cheap Jew always looking to find free parking. Go to Kollel; when you land on this space you must go directly to kollel and do not collect 200$ monthly kollel paycheck.

Children's tuition (equivalent to income tax): When you land on this space, you can either pay 200$ or you can pay 10% of your money to the yeshiva (of course you cant pay all the tuition, you're in kollel)

Wife Expenses (equivalent to luxury tax): When landing on this space you pay 75$ automatic to the bank.

Mazal and communities chest (that's right, take all the community funds for your kollel lifestyle): If you land on one of these spaces you pick up a card. Some may tell you "the community put pressure on you to learn and not work, go directly to kollel do not collect 200$ kollel paycheck" or "shvigger dies you inherit 100$" or "section 8 govt fund didn't come this month, pay for each yeshiva 100$ (remember yeshivos are in basements)" or "Rav gives you brachah you had children, pay 100$ hospital fee" or "tzedakah collector comes by and gives you sob story, pay 15$ (poor tax)".

Coffee works, Electric company, and Cities (equivalent to railroads): The cities are Kiryas yoel, Williamsburg, Lakewood and Bnei brak. The cities combine to make a big impact when together, same for coffee works ( to run your coffee rooms, obviously) and electric company (you aint paying the bill).

The object of the game is to live in a kollel lifestyle, and yet still manage to own the whole board. Have fun playing.

If you have any questions, any suggestions for a future game, or in need of more information visit us at PBJews.com

PESACH IS HERE

Pesach is here folks, more than a week with out anything that tastes good. Everyone probably stocked up on those Haggadah (name of company) treats. They are mad expensive, 6 bucks for a one of them, ripoffs, and that's besides the fact that they don't taste good. Don't forget the Bulk/Lady/baby/plain old fingers, got to have tons of those. After Pesach well all run to the nearest pizza store for some good ol' chametz (does anyone know how much pizza time is selling the first slice?). And then its over, all the chaos, all the cleaning, all for 8 day, and it goes just like that (snap).

Wishing everyone a Happy and Easy (you know how people say have an easy fast, well Pesach isn't any easier) Pesach.

WERE GOING OVERBOARD.

This product claims to make things chametz free, because that's its name "chametz free". It uses plastic covers for door handles, faucets, cabinets, and anything else that has handles. As you can see on your picture to the right on the bottom, there is a doorknob with a cover on it, as I said before it claims to make things chametz free. Now why would you need to have your doorknobs chametz free?!!!!!!........ ! Your cabinets I can barely understand, and thats if they are in the kitchen. Faucets I don't understand, at all, because you can kosher a metal faucet, and its normal to do so. So why do you need them? the answer is, you don't, that's right you don't. Its all a conspiracy to get people to buy these stupid products, and this wasn't even made by Kosher Innovations. And that's bad, because now you will have two stupid companies fighting to come up with even stupider inventions, and us, the people will have to buy them because we may not be frum enough with out it. And it will all end up with a shadchan asking if you put covers on your doorknobs for Pesach, to determine if you are holy enough to be dealt with.

Yes we are going overboard, and somebody save us.

ANOTHER RANDOM COLLABORATION

Random thought #1.
According to the halachah that you don't have to return lost texting machines, what happens if: You are walking down the street, all of a sudden you see a nice blue blackberry, on the floor. You pick it up remember the halachah and are not going to return it. The someone comes by and asks, "did you find a black blueberry?" you answer "no", he moves on. Then someone comes over and asks, "did you find a blue blackberry?" you say "yes". The guy says "Well I lost it, it has my name on the back, see it says so and sostein (his name)". So the question is, do you not give it back, or do you chas v'shalom (g-d forbid) give back the tumah (impure) machine?

Rabbi Mike will now try to answer: Well in essence you are doing a mitzvah of hashavos aveidah, plus you might be in sakanos nefoshot ( threat of your life) if you dont. On the other hand, the mitzvah of hashavos aveidah maybe a mitzvah that comes through the aveirah of giving it back (it is wrong to do a mitzvah through an aveirah); also it might be worse to give it back, since he will surely kill himself by using the texting machine. Rabbi Mikes psak is a taiku (will find out when elijah the prophet comes).

Random thought #2.
Another useless invention invented by Kosher Innovations. The Machshavah shocker. Have you ever been sitting kollel, (not learning) or were in the outside world not protected by our inner sphere of influence, and have come across thinking of things not in Torah standards (e.g. buying a non-kosher cell phone). Now there is no need to worry, with the Machshavah shocker, if you think outside of Torah standards you will be immediately shocked with over 500 volts of electricity, enough to stop your heart............. from thinking of all these bad things !!!! fits under your hat. Order today! now with a 3 day guarantee, no refunds

Other posts related to this inventive topic: More great inventions, Introducing the latest in technology.

PESACH HAS COME BEFORE PURIM THIS YEAR

Purim is almost here, and Pesach is right behind, or is it? I look at the calendar and see; Rosh hashanah (head of the year), Yom kippur, Succoth, Chanukah, Tu Beshvat, Purim, and then Pesach (see Purim comes before). In fact not only does it just look like it goes in that order from the calendar, I actually celebrate it first too. So now I (emphasis on the I) know that Purim is first, but some people don't. Who you might ask, why its the Jewish press that doesn't know this.

Wait how could the Jewish press not know when Pesach is, don't they have a timeline column, of course they know that Purim is before Pesach. So I ask you, "Why have the Pesach ads been coming in since after Chanukkah, and the Purim ads starting two weeks ago?" obviously Pesach is before hand.

Did you know that there were 31 ads for Pesach in the Jewish presss last week; Hotels, Cruises (Kosherica), trips to Israel, while the Purim ads were less in number. Hey, this is all before Purim, after Purim there is going to more room for Pesach ads. I don't even understand how all these different ideas for Pesach are going to make money, the supply is way more than the demand, nu how many people go on a cruise for Pesach?

So in conclusion Purim is coming before Pesach, as usual, but for the consumer mind, it doesn't seem like it is.

BREAKFAST IN YESHIVAH

Unlike normal food, a Yeshivahs food is meant to make you lose your appetite. Whether there were ants in the oatmeal, or pizza with green cheese, it always managed to gross you out. I remember our famous joke, that was always used till it became lame; "Stand up for the food, its older than you".

We got our food from City harvest and other companies of that sort. There were times that they delivered soda that would have expired that day, and instead of my yeshivah giving it too us then, it got stored in a hot room for 8 months, only to be served flat, expired, and with a pinch of salmonella.


For breakfast we would have; corn flakes or rice krispies(oops, I mean krisp rice, the kemach version), orange juice that no one dared touch, tea from already used tea bags, eggs , oatmeal that if you ate it, you would have transgressed on the sin of don't eat insects, bread, milk that was questionable, peanut butter, butter, margarine, and sugar, our sugar was magnetic (it stuck to the cups through static electricity, does that not make it magnetic?) . Sometimes we would have Chocolate milk, and french toast. If we were lucky, they would give out coco krispies, or what ever the kemach version of it was. The milk was always being passed around to smell, till one guy decided to taste it, you could never trust it. The eggs were usually good. Now the oatmeal was a problem. Here's a story to explain why.

My friend was about to take a spoonful of oatmeal, and he noticed black dots in it. He looked a little closer, and saw it was fried ants (or boiled ones, grossing you out yet?). So he goes over to the cook and says "you've got ants in this" so the cook looks and says "No! its dots". So my friend saw a Rabbi, who was about to have some, and said there are ants in it. The Rabbi looks and shows it to the cook, only then did the cook throw it out. Ever since that event I didn't take oatmeal.

The Chocolate milk was not at all Chocolate milk, it was in fact leftover cocoa from the night before, and the cocoa was made out of all the expired milk they had. So basically, if you wanted your stomach to twinge for a few hours you had some "chocolate milk".

The French toast they gave was good, if you didn't get a whole wheat slice. They had some sort of imitation of maple syrup, that needed a lot of magnetic sugar added.

What I normally had for breakfast was; a bowl of cornflakes, or krisp rice, with sugar. It tasted nasty without sugar; and at the end of your bowl was all the sugar residue laying at the bottom. The smartest thing to do was to bring your own cereal, then you have it all set out besides the milk.

During breakfast we would all put our theories together on how to stay healthy while still eating the Yeshivas food, that consisted of what to eat and what not to. An occasional egg fight would break out, or who bet someone they cant eat some concoction without vomiting the whole day.

Breakfast is supposed to be the main meal of your day, we on the other hand had it lacking. Share some of your yeshiva food theories or experiences, I don't know how it is in girl schools.

MORE GREAT INVENTIONS

After coming out with, the pre cut toilet paper, and tefillin sweater, the company that made them, came out with a few other ideas.

The Mitzvah Muzzle. For all those times in middle of Chazaras hashatz, you feel you just need to talk. Don't worry any more with the Mitzvah Muzzle you wont be able to speak to anyone, helping you keep halacha. It also comes with garlic breath, to chase away those who wish to talk to you. If you Buy now, we will throw in the Lashon Hara Gag, for 50% off.

The Blinders. Have you ever walked anywhere besides Meah Shearim? Do you know how much Pritzus there is out there? With the Blinders you will be able to walk freely, without having to see anything immodest. This great device injects a green poison, into your eyes, every time something immodest passes bye, blinding you till it passes. Long term affects include complete blindness.

When was the last time you couldn't remember when you ate Fleishigs? Never will you have to remember. The Fleishig Alarm will tell you. All you have to do is press the "ate" button and automatically it will beep 6 hours later. It attaches to your belt, or fits in your pocket, or placed it on your dashboard in your car. Included in this offer, is The Milchig Alarm. It will beep five minutes after you ate to remind you, you can eat fleishigs.

We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item, over night. Available with name tags.

Hashgacha Bar Code Reader. Ever wonder which hasgachos are not deemed worthy enough to keep. With this new Hashgach Bar Code Reader you don't have to think at all. Just run the Hashgacha under the reader, and a sign will appear to tell if its worthy enough.

Remember if order within the next 10 minutes, you can get all this, at the low price of 399.9 (no that decimal is not in the wrong place, oh wait it is 3999.9).

If you thought these where useless, how about that Tefillin sweater they made, with Zipper sleeves. To tell you the truth I can roll up any sweater, no problem. If you have any other ideas share it, don't patent it.

THEY COULDNT HAVE DONE WORSE

If you look on that red circle you will notice it says "Yes 0 trans fat" and then "No hydrogenated oils". At least the ending was okay, but the "Yes 0 trans fat". Learn some grammar!!

WORLD OF CHUMROS

You wake up to your kosher alarm clock, playing only the most kosher radio. You hit the "I am not a visikin guy" button. A few minutes, later it plays a again, to the tune of Wake Up by Lipa, or is that not frum enough? You press the "I am up for shachris" button. You lean over to your mikveh, beside your bed, and wash your hands. You go to the kitchen, which has your own personal Mashgiach, to make sure all is glatt kosher. You open your refrigerator, and reach for a bottle of Lakewood Orange juice, which is made in Brazil and Florida, but you didn't know that. You step outside your house, walk to the correct part of the street, made just for men.


You notice a woman being beat for walking to her house, which is on the men's side of the street. You say to yourself "she deserves it". You go to your yeshivishe car, where the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn. You turn on the Kosher GPS, to guide you to the kollel. You close your eyes while you drive, for perhaps, you may see a woman on the street. You rely solely on your GPS, to tell you when to turn. You walk into the kollel, and put on your kosher tefillin (we hope its kosher).


You are done shachris. You begin to do, whatever it is you do in kollel, which is nothing. You pull out your kosher phone and start talking to people on it. You wonder, "Could you do anything else with a phone besides talk"? You think "surely not; otherwise, in our advanced society, it would be done". You go out to smoke. You pull out your box of Badaatz certified cigarettes, and enjoy this wonderful life you have.

A person comes over to you. He offers a shidduch, for your daughter. You ask all these weird questions. After you are finished, you decide he is a good match. You reasons to this are; He wants to be supported by me who can hardly support himself, and two, he is a complete copy. of all the other guys around, he must be good.


You are late for the afternoon Hock. You rush, as to not miss all the gossip. You hear in a distance "did you hear what happened to Baruch Chaim's wife? It turns out she got lynched, for being on the wrong side of the street". Next guy says, "That's a shame, its his second wife this week". You pipe in "Yep, well women have to know better". Then a guy says "Did you see what YWN wrote?" You all inquire about, what exactly YWN is. This guy tells you, "Do you have the net". You answer "A fishing net?" "No no no", says the guy "I mean the Internet". You then all learn all about the Internet.


All of a sudden, you are thrown into a vortex of thought. All the things you knew about your life, are flushed down the drain of reality. You ask this person to "hand you the net". He realizes you don't get what it really is. He shows you everything. You were shocked when you found out that, there are actually other civilizations, and not too far away.

You go home. You have a talk with your wife. She says she doesn't believe you. You begin to fight with yourself. "why did my community withhold this knowledge from me? Did they think they cant trust me?" and then "Well I like the fact that, my community cares about me". A bolt of insight hits you. Your phone really can do more than just talk, and why is it that you cant have more money? Also you want to choose your own lifestyle and not be born into one.

You decide, that's it, you are going off the derech. You leave you community (your wife and family didn't come along). You are driving out of town, Wait! there are no roads to out of town, or so says your GPS. You decide to look up when you drive now (a sin that in your old community deserved lynching). You are heading out of town. You find a new community that allows you to have choice. Back in your old place. Your wife and family, are being excluded from the community. If this family can produce such a heretic, then they all don't belong in the community.Oh, and that shidduch you made isn't going to work out.

You finally wake up, from this awful dream you had. You thank G-d that you live in a world, where you can choose the way you wish to serve g-d, and walk on any side of the street you want. You say "Thank g-d I am not (charedi) born into that.

A RANDOMNESS COLLABORATION

1) The great rabbis of our time, who put out letters against lipa and others, have decided to put out a letter against racist comments on Obama and others (did I just compare Lipa to Obama?). Obviously its getting way out of hand.

2) Why is that most rabbis are fat? I just noticed, that for some reason they just are. I find it funnier, when they preach about over indulging, when it comes to food. "don't eat that extra piece/slice of kugel, kukish cake, pizza". Gets me thinking "what have they been doing?"

3) I have seen Kosher soap pads. Who needs for the pad to be kosher? I understand soap but whats a soap pad going to be made out of? Synthetics. Oh no! maybe the steel wool grew on a non kosher animal; that's why you need an certified OU (others hechsheirim also included) on it. here is a picture.

Got any other randomness out there.

SO YOU WANT TO START A KOSHER BUSINESS

So you have came up with your new "best idea ever". Your "new best idea ever" is to start a kosher business. Your reasons: 1) Prove everyone it is the "best idea ever". 2) to prove it to yourself. 3) To make some money.

You start out looking for a lone from a bank. You get a generous offer and will pay back in 10 years. You look for a place in the back country to open up the factory. You find a nice place in the Midwest. You start out with hiring. You pick up some good workers and offer them a nice pay, teach them the safety rules, and move on with your "best idea ever".

Year 1. You are just starting out. The other companies are just to good. You have ideas to catch up with them. Overall things are going well. Mid. first year. You are getting noticed by the New York area. Other companies are thinking of you as a threat.

Year 2. The competition is still out there. All you need to do is just have an edge. A strike of brilliance has occurred. You could lower your prices, make it better or, have some useless toy to go with. You decide to go with the cheapening of the prices and the junk toy to go with the candy (Hey, I haven't even mentioned what your company does till here). But how to cheapen the prices? Another stroke of genius. You decide to look in "Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem (dummies)". You decide to hire underage workers. You allow the minors to enter the workforce, for a lower than minimum wage; then you will be able to sell for less, and have the edge you need. Instantly your company has succeeded. You give thanks to "Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem".

Year 3,4,5. Now you are able to brag to you friends and family that, your best idea ever was the "best idea ever". they don't agree, and say "It was your best idea ever not the best idea ever". You don't care, you have sole power of the kosher candy kingdom. You admire the fact, that all the candy men of every shul need to buy from you. You are asked to give a sizable amount of money to charities, such as; Lev La'achim, Chai lifeline and many more such. No one knows that that, was all ma'aser money. You are part of the elite Jewish monopoly owners, such as; Artscroll, Rubashkins and many more such. You have gained respect. You have paid back the bank loan early.

Year 6,7,8. You look at your vast Kosher candy empire and see it as too small. You decide to go worldwide. You wish to take a big loan from the bank. They are reluctant to give that big of an amount. You show them false records indicating an able payback. You are sure you can payback. You have now run in with a problem, countries you want to sell it to have tariffs. So to keep up with those companies you decide, to do what you did last time, to lower prices. You need a foolproof method. The same stroke of brilliance or, was it genius, has come around again. You hire a bunch of Mexicans, almost 400 undocumented workers, to help out. You fire most of the staff who earns more then minimum wage. You don't teach the undocumented workers any safety, since who cares if they lose an arm they cant sue, or they risk being deported. Now you can compete with foreign candy companies.

Year 9. After many years of the health department keeping you in business; for some odd reason they started checking up on you more closely. Reports of beaten workers came across the board. you deny it, and then beat the workers for squealing. kidding. You give them lower wages. PETA is now onto you, why, you do not know. Is it because of the animal crackers? Then the FBI is seriously checking up on you. Next days headlines show " a meth lab in (insert your company name here)" You had absolutely no clue, or did you ( suspicious).

You are going out of your mind. Soon all your workers are being deported. The bank is demanding its money, and bringing the fake documents you used to prove you will be able to pay, and comparing it to your real ones. Your "best idea ever" is about to turn to worst. With no other choice you deny everything. Your family and friends take away your bragging rights you had in year 3,4,5. The respect you had in those years are all gone. Some are still rooting for you and claiming its all antisemitism. You are doomed hopefully you get 50 years in jail.

Year 1-50 in jail. You look back and think "maybe I should have read more from Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem". Too bad, to late.

If you didn't get the story yet, its a spoof on Agri processors. Hope you enjoyed, because everything got erased halfway through and now I am happy I finished.

POMEGRANATE

On the corner of AVE. L and Coney Island AVE. there is a new store opening. Its name is Pomegranate. I don't think I could pick a better name for it. Its just Pomegranate no special reason for it. Maybe "The Pomegranate" would be better, but what would it symbolize. Besides that its got its name in big red letters with a picture of a pomegranate on it and for some odd reason they put up their address 1507 in big red letters too, probably so you don't forget where they are located.

Where it is located used to be many different stores. One was "THE BIGGEST PESACH STORE EVER". (that's its name that whole capitalized thing). It was opened all year long. That's a good reason why it closed down. Before that there was a sukkah store it also shut down for the same reason. You are most likely thinking "no it was sukkah store half the year and the other Pesach" well sorry these stores were opened for at least a whole year both. (not together, independently)

About this new store Pomegranate, I don't have a clue what is going to be. I am getting tons of different information about it and each person is telling me about how they "personally" know the owner. They give me a gantze megillah about how the know a guy who knows another guy who has a brother that went to the country with another guy who knows the owner of this place, and I'm wondering how they personally know him.

So one person says its a mall with a bunch of little Jewish stores in it. Another says its a big supermarket like Walmart. Once I got this answer that its going to be this huge complex, with a grocery store in it and a fleishig restaurant with a bakery and a Dougies or another famous Jewish eatery and probably a sweet choice (which is right next door anyway). This last one I am doubting but who knows.

I usually am not the one to know things right away.There are those who do, they are the machers I am not one. Does anyone really know what its going to be? and please state a source from where you know it. With a name like Pomegranate you never know what its going to be.

EVEN MORE ON RUBASHKINS

I have recently heard that Rubashkins had a whole drug dealing or they made the drugs or something like that in there company. It was those mexican workers who where at the head of this and are now being deported. I dont know how the mashgiach let or didnt know about this.

The details on this were very vague and I got different stories about what actually happened, but this much I know.

RUBASHKINS GETS CAUGHT!

The famous meat company Rubashkins has been under investigation (no problems with the meat) they were found hiring illegal immigrants- which is obviously illegal. (Mainly those from over the Mexican border.) That's besides for paying them under minimum wage, like five dollars an hour thereby knocking out the competition for sole rule over the kosher meat industry. I don't know if you're allowed to pay illegals under minimum wage even after you hire them... Anyway, after the authorities caught the big Jewish company and laid off all their illegal employees they stated that they would still be producing meat products. In my vast knowledge of the subject, I know there is only one way they can do that- by making us pay for their mistake with extremely high prices. Nevermind that kosher meat is already astronomically pricey.

Has the government not heard that the largest non-jewish company (Perdue) does the exact same thing? I guess they pay the government well enough to conveniently over-look it but being Jews, such endeavors would render us cheap Jews. Maybe all the other Jewish companies ganged up to take down the monopoly Rubashkins has over the kosher meat industry thereby forcing everyone to buy their OU rated products (Chas Ve'shulam!).

Just a thought, maybe we should only allow ourselves to hire Jews? The government does not want you hiring illegals since the work isn't going to Americans or am I wrong about that...but wouldn't that solve all the problems with poverty. Then you won't need organizations like shomer shabbos or other tzedakah organizations. Just assur hiring non-Jews and you can stop companies from getting caught like this. Nu, how many Jews are illegal? Besides it's a mitzvah to hire your fellow Jew in need of work and way more convenient than giving tzedakah.

Well I feel for Rubashkins and they're getting caught doing something against the law. I would care if the government caught me buying illegal fireworks for Purim. To make a kiddush Hashem let's all try to keep the American laws even if it is cheaper not to.