Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

OLD TIME RABBIS ON MODERN ORTHODOXY

I met an old Rabbi recently, a nice guy who taught in a yeshiva somewhere (I don't remember where) very friendly. We talked for a little after Maariv. He seemed to have a world of wisdom in the form of stories for just about every topic, as only an old timer could.

Somewhere along the conversation we hit the topic of orthodoxy/yeshivas. He told me that there is a difference between a good boy in a "yeshivishe" yeshiva and one in a modern orthodox one. He went onto explain that in a yeshivishe yeshiva a good boy is one that learns at any given moment he has and has respect for his elders. I was wondering exactly what he was going to say for a good modern orthodox boy, but I had no idea he was going to say what he said. He said that in a modern orthodox yeshiva a good boy is (take a sip of a drink near you and hold) one who doesn't watch TV on shabbos (now spit the drink out real quickly) .

I was taken aback for a minute, like I said last paragraph I wasnt ready for this kind of answer. I didnt know what to say, do I tell him youre wrong? do I bring honestly frum over? he obviously has the wrong perception about modern orthodox. Modern Orthodoxy is far from watching TV on shabbos, I dont know where he could have came to think this. I figured he just doesnt know what modern orthodox is, he probably meant reform (which wouldnt fit into a good reform kid not watching TV on shabbos because the "good" think its okay to a lot of things, but either way).

I am just posing a question out there, do you think all old rabbis think this way or its just a mistake or a fluke in this one rabbi? Comment what you think or we will never know.

THE RIOTS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND DONT PROMOTE IT

Once again the chareidim in Israel protested the use of the parking lot on shabbos, and once again the police came and shot them with rubber bullets, this has been the scene in me'ah shea'arim for the past few months.

There are many bloggers out there condemning this act of violence and rightfully so, its a chilul hashem to burn garbage's and throw rocks at the people using the parking lot, just because you want them to keep shabbos in your city. Yes, people don't find anything sanctifying about burning things and throwing rocks at others, it's a disgrace to g-d's name. Not only is it a disgrace to the shabbos, but in this effort to keep shabbos and chase away the evildoers, they are breaking shabbos, by A) burning and B) throwing rocks in a reshus harabim, since they are melachos which the torah prohibits on shabbos.

In India when they were protesting against the British government they didn't riot, for the most part they did things peacefully, and that's what Mohandas Gandhi preached (one time the Indians did do some violence and he spoke out against that act) . Why aren't any of the Rabbonim doing anything to stop this violence, all I hear are rabbis promoting it, like what I heard recently.

I was in a shul before ma'ariv and a rabbi got up to speak to us for a minute or two. The rabbi said that anyone who thinks what they are doing in Israel is a chilul hashem is wrong and that the protests are the right thing to do. He said that there was one reporter who was filming the violence, the chareidim couldn't hit her because she was a woman, so instead they all spit on her, he justified the act by saying that the camera was like a gun and everyone will do something to save themselves from a gun. There were just too many things wrong with what he said, and his parable was off by a lot. I wanted to go over to the rabbi after davening and ask "How come you don't see Rav Elyashiv at the protests, or why is that they don't call down the chief rabbi of Jerusalem for an inspiring speech before they riot, maybe you don't because its not the right thing to do!", but I didn't want to provoke any rioting in the shul so I kept my mouth shut.

The protests must come to an end, find a better, more peaceful and holy way to get them to stop using the parking lots, violence is not the answer, and Rabbis should stop promoting it.

INTERESTING NEWS

Good evening I am your host Mike In Midwood. In tonight's news the global chain store Gap has sold one of its top and most expensive branches, Banana Republic, to a Jewish organization made up of rabbis know as Agudath Yisroel. The offer was made by the rabbis after they noticed that there were many orthodox Jews who shopped there often, one anonymous rabbi was reported saying "Its ah shandah dat dey buy frum dis Banana Republic, bananas are meant for monkeys and dats for de shvartzes you see on de street". The new frum chain store, Rabbinical Republic, will sell only expensive black clothing (the picture shows the manikins). The designer of the new chain store told us in an exclusive interview, ".... There will be so many different styles of black it will blow your mind...". The new Frum store will be opening up worldwide next z'man.

In other news (straightens stack of papers), Kosher Innovations has made your commute to the city just a little more kosher. The idea came up as coworkers, at the KI main building on 13th ave. in Boro Park, were brainstorming as to what to do for all the people who don't drive to work, and therefore don't use a kosher GPS to guide them, how will they get to work kosherly? One of the coworkers told us how it went down, "We just couldn't figure out what other useless item we can innovate, then someone mentioned Kosher subway cars, and we all jumped over the idea". The new Kosher subway cars, much like the kosher GPS, will feature a male voice, instead of a woman's and a mashgiach to make sure the car stays kosher. The male voice will be used to tell you which stop is next and to stay clear of the closing doors (please). The idea is being tossed around the MTA as of now, and is said that if the new subway cars come in the fare will be hiked up another 25 cents.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.

This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

Things that pissed me off last week.

You may not know it but there were a few things that pissed me off last week, and probably you too. I'm not talking about simple things like, why I cant find a parking spot within a one block radius, or why you cut me off, or even why my thumb cant fit into a normal sized bowling ball, I'm talking about bigger things that haven't only affected me.

I got pissed off last week when I heard that a bunch of Jews decided to do some stealing and tax evasion. Ive been saying it for a long time, the last thing we need is a chilul hashem and yet there they go. "But wait you're allowed to steal to support Torah, right? so they did nothing wrong" said a commenter of yeshiva world news, but the answer is no you are not allowed to steal for torah, its a mitzvah that came through an aveirah (which is an aveirah if you didn't know). And you know what I think? I think that they should all go to jail and serve their sentence because they deserve it, and I wont be like another commenter that said they should have their trial in the month of adar and not av, because av is a bad month for Jews and having the trial now will cause them to lose the trial. So why did it piss me off? it didn't affect me? Ill answer that with a question, "did you get pissed of at madoff and his scandal?" the answer is yes, same here.

Another thing that pissed me off this week was a letter printed in the mishpachah magazine. It was condemning Reb Elyashiv for praying for gilad shalit. I know this is hard to hear for all of you that joined groups on Facebook and twitter in support of gilad but the person writing it said that he thinks it's wrong to pray for him to be released, because Israel will give up many captured terrorists in exchange for him. For the person who decided to write that letter to mishpachah I have two things to say; one is, if you were gilad you wouldn't be thinking that way, and two is that one Jewish life is priceless and it doesn't matter how many terrorists you give up (although we try to lessen the amount).

Yeah those were the things that pissed me off last week, cant see who it wouldn't. On a side note have an easy and meaningful fast.

CHAIM SNYDER

Ever since the creation of Harry Potter, the Jewish world has gone into a frenzy. This has happened for many reasons; some say that the book is inappropriate for Jewish minds, others say its because a non Jew wrote it, and some rabbis say that people might come to say accio TV remote, which would then be practicing kishuf (black magic), but the majority of rabbis agree that its because if you read the book you will then want to see the movie, and movies are assur. But what ever the reason is all, rabbis are against it and there seems like there is nothing they can do to stop the potter frenzy. That is until they decided to come out with their own book, or shall I say sefer, called Chaim Snyder.


The new series is about a boy by the name of Chaim Snyder, who was kidnapped by a bunch of christian priests and brought up christian (the priests killed his parents). When he becomes 13 years old he gets a visit from a rabbi, who was sent to find him before his bar mitzvah and tell him he was Jewish. Chaim then embraces Judaism and is sent to a top yeshivah in Israel where he is supposed to learn. Over there in Israel he makes new friends who are very into kabalah. He becomes very "good" (what ever that means) at kabalah and can perform unnatural things, or nisim. Just as he is having a great time in Israel, there rises a new pope who has the power of kishuf, the pope is also making a visit to Israel very soon. Chaim and his friends decide to stop this pope. On their way they have to fight through phony fortune tellers, and Israeli taxi drivers to stop the pope..... sorry I cant give the whole story away, but the new pope was the one who killed Chaims parents in the beginning.


This is the new sefer the rabbis hope is going to combat the awful harry potter series, also the rabbis wont allow it to be made into a movie. In my opinion the new book is only going to be a hit for those who didn't read harry potter, because it was assur.

GOOSEBUMPS: MY BAR MITZVAH IN PRISON

Yes, we all remember the hit book series I never read, Goosebumps. Goosebumps was a supposed to be a very scary book, but it basically was freaky stories about weird washing machine monsters and changing bodies with a killer santa (okay I read 2). Why do I bring this old book into topic? because it must be a nightmare for the kid whose Bar mitzvah was in a prison, just like the book would write it out. Imagine what the kid is going to remember, a Bar mitzvah in jail with a bunch of convicts waiting next door, all because his father was arrested (who knows why he was arrested), and then your bar mitzvah is published about in the New York times, oh! and Yakkov shwekey famous Jewish singer sang for you (not the bad part). That's a horrible Bar mitzvah ain't it? unless you wanted it to be memorable.

Now there are hilachic issues that come with making a bar mitzvah in jail, and they don't only pertain to chilul hashem. One is the halachah of bringing a Sefer Torah to people in jail, you aren't allowed to even for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, the reason being that its a disgrace for the Torah to come to you and you not go to it. This can be applied to a Bar mitzvah, the Bar mitzvah shouldn't be brought to someone in jail along with 60 other people, its not respectful. And if that ain't enough, than at the bar mitzvah the one who is being honored (bar mitzvah boy) usually says a D'var Torah which should not be brought to the jail for one person but; rather, the one person should be brought to it. And if for some reason you don't agree with this past paragraph, that I put so much effort into writing (shame on you), then you can always resort to chilul hashem, and it will still be deemed halachicly wrong. This seems like a good question for the rabbi who allowed this, why did you allow it?

Theres your lesson people, don't make a bar mitzvah in jail or you will bashed for every reason possible. People will be calling it despicable, and posts will line every blog about why you aren't you ashamed. And what a nightmare it will be for your son, like straight out of a goosebumps book.

DID THE TABLES TURN OR DID I JUST SWITCH SIDES?

For a little over a year strawberries have been banned, due to infestation. I have always liked strawberries, but now I have to eat their cousins the kiwi, who is not as good. The strawberry saw itself drop from the markets, no more shmorgs with the strawberry salads, no more weddings with strawberries going untouched, the strawberry era had died.

That was until recently, when an unlocal Israeli rabbi supposedly lifted the ban. I was shocked, "are the tables turning" I thought to myself "could it be that after 7 years of chumros, will come the 7 years of heterim?" I dreamt. Then VIN interpreted the Rabbis words. The Rabbi meant that, if there were worms that were invisible to the naked eye then you can eat the strawberry (then yosef was appointed to viceroy). Who in the world makes a mistake between visible worms and invisible worms! and if the worms are visible youre still not allowed to eat them, no matter what the rabbi says. Im not getting how someone can make such a mistake.

So when I thought the tables had turned, they didn't, and I was only fooled that they did, it was an optical illusion (or they turned invisible who really knows?). Well, now I cant wait for the next chumrah (Yaakov please come and end this 5 years early).

THE CUSTODIAN

Every Yeshiva has one of these guys, okay a few of them. They do back breaking labor and get paid worse than the rebbeim, which, by the way, is almost nothing. The kids in the Yeshiva cant really relate to them, because the rebbeim are constantly saying, "If you don't learn you'll end up like the shvartza janitors here", or, "So lets say shmerel had a cow, then Steve the guyishe janitor stole it.....", so the kids think of them as low lives. Some of them may be on crack all day long, but others just really cant get a better job. Every Yeshiva runs on these guys, and they are neglected.

In a Public school, life is probably better. The kids can relate to them. They can play their music, unlike in a yeshiva which forbids all outside music (for the record lipa is outside). No teachers are degrading them. They are treated like humans who have a life, rather than something who is just needed to mop the floors.

The children speak to them normally, not like in many yeshvos where the kids speak to them as if they are retarded, for example: Custodian: "Are you done here?" Yeshiva Kid: "Now no. We done here in few minutes, okay". A normal public school kid would have said "in five minutes".

Being a yeshiva custodian is one of the worst jobs ever, I wouldn't be surprised if in the news you hear a story of a janitor massacring a bunch in a yeshiva .

AN ALMOST TRUE NEWS REPORT

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In recent news such sites like Vos iz neias and Yeshivah world, have been banned by local authorities. Until recently, reports were unclear as to why the sites were closed down, due to the fact that we get our news from these sites. But in an exclusive interview with an anonymous rabbi, we made the unclear, clear. "To have a yiddishe owned site is a chilul hashem, what will the goyim say if they found out we were using their Internet? nu? and all de machloikesim these sites create is anti yiddishkeit. They are constantly coming up with new halchos in their coffee rooms. I don't even understand how you can have a coffee room in the Internet? who supplies it?" said the anonymous rabbi.

Our very own David Spiegler, is out in the streets giving us live feed from everyday people. David: "Yes Mike, as you can tell this was a big shock to the local Jewish community. It seems to me that we have some very mixed opinions about this recent event. Everyday person: "Its about time they shut down some treife sites like these, anything we do to pure ourselves of sites like these is hashems will". "While another person, Mike, had some other ideas". Other person: "Why would the rabbonim ban such a site? I was commenting on YWN and preaching how we should listen to the rabbonim with no questions asked, but why did they close the site? it was kuloi toirah". (David asking other person) "Do you think that YWN created machloikisim between yidden?". Other person: "Of course it did, who did you think I was yelling at in the coffee room? only the non believers who believe its okay to be commenting on the Internet". David Spiegler: "As you can see some of the views of the people are confusing, as seen with the last one interviewed".

Thank you David. There is yet to be a comment made by the creaters of the sites There are a minority of Rabbis who suggest that they allow the sites to remain open, because they are afraid of the other places the people will get their news from.

I am Mike in M. and good night. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (background music).

FRUM APIKORSIM

Another short post ;)

It just so happens to be that a real machmir rabbi, who is lubavitch, wrote in his new sefer, "Anyone who believes the Rebbe is mashiach is an apikoris (apikoris comes from the name Epicurus, who was a Greek philosopher who believed to do as the heart desires, which goes against the Jewish religions philosophy)". This poses a great problem for many lubbies, do they risk being called an apikoris, or do they give up the messianic crap. I assume that most of them will give it up easily, because who wants to be a Frum apikoris, its better to be an apikoris who gets all the benefits of this world, so they will stay Frum. Then there are the guys that call up the Jewish radio stations, and tell hosts like Zev Brenner, that 770 is the new beis hamikdash, they wont give up so easily.

What I really like about this is that, it came right in time for lag Ba'omer, when all the Lubavs who promote the messianic claims are out recruiting. Now instead of just telling them they're crazy, I can tell them they're apikorsim. Thank you Rabbi, being machmir cant always hurt.

In what ways will this new ruling help you? Help you shut up lubby messianic missionaries? or steal aliyos from them because apikorsim aren't allowed to have one? or even maybe allow yourself to finally detach from this way of life. What ever it may be, tell.

YOUR COUNTING ON IT

It was the second night of Pesach when you decided to embark on this mission. You thought to yourself, "This year is going to be the one, I'm going to make it all the way, I am going to count sefirah all 49 days". So the first night you are as pumped as people are for megillah leining. You make that brachah loud and clear so that everyone, within a 3 mile radius, should hear. You felt so great that you counted with such a geshmak that night, you wished you can count every night.

From then on you made sure to keep with every halachah and minhug that their was. You made sure that if someone asked what day it was, you can answer with "last night was this and this". Every time they told you to daven for the amud, you jumped at the chance for everyone to hear your brachah. You would go with a fire, and scream "Baruch....... Hayom yom..... Ba'omer!!!!", you didn't care whether anyone was shouting at you that you said Ba'omer and not La'omer, or that the brachah took 12 minutes altogether, you went on.

But it came the closing days of sefirah, and you were wondering what would happen if you said it everyday, with a brachah. You asked your local rabbi about what would happen. He told you that you just were mikaim a mitzvah, and then its over. That night you were thinking about it "I am counting for something, right? then the counting must end, soon. The rabbi is right it will be over. No more counting till next year!?!". But you loved counting so much, you could have been hired by sesame street to be the count, that this hurt you. Instant fear gripped your mind. You run out of shul screaming in the street "yidden yidden!!! you cant count sefirah in a few days, these are precious times don't waste them!!!". You go over to one fellow and say "Tonight is the 46th night, don't forget that and don't stop counting!!!". You leave the fellow thinking your crazy, then you realize you just said sefirah one night without a brachah (saying tonight is whatever, is considered counting and you cant make the brachah that night).

If you thought you lost it before, now you really did, you missed a night with a brachah!!!! Your heart begins to pound, you start sweating, as if someone is about to kill you. Your panicking, what will you do? "All is lost" you think to yourself "All those nights I kept up with it and now I missed it, everything sucks!". You pass out from all the tension you have caused yourself.

You find yourself days later in a hospital, hooked up to an IV. You ask the first Jewish person you see what day it is, they tell two days after Shavous. "AFTER SHAVOUS" you say, "But that means I completely missed 3 whole days of counting!!". You take a few short breaths, the pressure of not counting now plus missing counting before, creates the flat line sound of your cardiac monitor (in other words, your'e dead).

INCOMING!!!

Thank you for tuning into Mike Tonight, in news tonight.

A new ban is in motion. No one saw it coming, although you should have. The great Rabbonim of Brooklyn have decided to band together, to ban all unyeshivish kippot, in an attempt to stop yeshivah rebels from wearing downsized kippot.

"All religious stores are hereby ordered to rid the shelves of anything less than a size 5 yarmulke", it said on the rabbi signed document. It has been reported that a store in Brooklyn did not comply with the terms, and is being looted as we speak. Are very own David Spiegler is at the scene. "Hi Mike, behind me there is looting at this 18th avenue store. Broken glass, and fire, people have been taking all religious articles ranging from kiddush cups to kosher lamps from this store, all for not ridding itself of size four and down kippot. I spoke to the owner of the store he said he tried to reconsider before the looters took over, he said he will comply from now on". "Thank you David" One Rabbi was recorded saying "The smaller the kippah, the more they smoke; its better to have bigger kippot". We asked civilians on the streets what they think about this, one said "I agree 100%, I only hope it will be a kaporah for k'lal yisroels avonos".

But not everybody is so enthusiastic about this new ban. Some have been setting up a protest, set for next week, to stop this "tragedy", as they call it. One person said "The Rabbonim should be listened to, I believe in da'as torah, but sometimes they are wrong". Some people are afraid that if there aren't any size 2 and 1 kippot, then the yeshivah rebels might not wear any at all, causing them to never stop smoking.

That's it for tonight I'm Mike In Midwood. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (backround music).

WHAT AM I? CHAMETZ!

Although the phrase is "what am I? chopped liver", but in the spirit of Pesach we can make some changes. So What am I? chametz! it seems like it from the Mishpacha magazine.

The articles in the Mishpacha, a very frum magazine, this past week have talked about Pesach cleaning. Each and every one of theses articles, from what I've heard, spoke about how the mother/wife of the family has to start picking up the pace to be ready for Pesach. They even gave all sorts of tips or de-stressers, to cope with the cleaning for Pesach. This leads me to believe that Mishapcha magazine is extremely frum.

How come they didn't say anything about the father/husband of the family helping out? I know that today I was scrubbing walls and floors, shaking everything to rid them of chametz. I worked hard, and no! I didn't need any "de-stressers". Does the Mishpacha magazine think that the male of the house doesn't help out? In fact the whole cleaning task is primarily on the male of the house, according to the Jewish law. Great rabbis of the past have done the cleaning without their wives help, for fear of them not doing a good enough job. This allows me to conclude that the Mishpacha magazine is really frum, because they think that they know better than rabbis from 2000 years ago who can bring back the dead. They must know that the husband is in kollel learning and too busy to help out; therefore, they only write the articles for the wife.

If you read Mishpacha (I dont), and you are wondering like me why they only talk about the wife, then you are not frum enough to read the Mishpacha. So yes I conclude, I am "chametz" according to the Mishpacha magazine.

ITS BEEN A WHILE

I cant remember what the last ban/chumrah that came out was. Was it the strawberries, or was it the bike lanes in Williamsburg? either way its been a while since the last one. The new one is a chumrah; any phone that isn't me'usher from va'ad harobanim, is now not obligated to be returned if lost, lest the owner use it to text his chavrusah.

I find this rather funny, unlike most people, who find it to be outrageous. I remember learning from Uncle Moishy, returning something that you found is a mitzvah. Now I am not someone to argue between the gadlus of Uncle Moishy and a rabbi from Israel, but I do know there is a mitzvah of Hashovos aveidah (returning something that's lost) written somewhere in the Torah, in fact there is a whole Chapter in Bava Metziah about when to return whats lost. I know that the Rabbi from Israel is only trying to teach us true Torah values, and I know Uncle Moishy is only trying to teach kids (and the parents who are forced to listen to it), but the fact remains there is a major machloiket going on here, and I dont think we can answer it yet.

Sadly, boys and girls, now its time to say shalom, Uncle Moishy and this rabbi are going home, but they will be back again, arguing what are the mitzvos of hashem. la la la la la la la la la la la la la la laaaah.....

I THOUGHT OUR COMMUNITY WAS ULTRA ORTHODOX?

I thought that our community was almost as Orthodox as it gets, then my bubble was burst when I saw this poster hung up everywhere.

A few weeks (months) ago, there was a major gathering of women in Israel. What they spoke about there was issues dealing with women, and the speaker they had was a man (rabbi). Why? well, the Rabbanim (men) felt that a women (rebbetzin) could not make a public speech, because it was immodest, even though it was in front of only women (you could argue that, but lets not and say we did). Now, when I saw this poster I thought, of course a man is going to deliver the speech (the rabbanim in Israel said so), right? . Well, I was wrong, in fact there is not one speaker who was a male; plus, no one said anything about that, and its the third week of this. Which leads me to think, "Are we that Orthodox?". Ill leave you to decide.

Although the Wolf is a professional photographer, I believe I did a great job, you could say I really captured the moment ;)

WHAT TYPE OF JEW AM I?

All my life I haven't really known what I was; I always knew I was Jewish, but what type of Jew was I? Ashkenazi or sfardi? that one I answered; I am an ashkenazi and sphardi, I observe both minhagim somehow.

But what type of Jew am I? At the young age of five years old, I came to the realization that my family wasn't like all the other frum families the Morahs spoke about. When I was at some other young age I had a friend, this friend was a real frummie. One day he asked me am I frum, I did not know what frum meant, (I thought it meant that you are a mean/bad person) so I told him no, then I asked what it meant. Shortly after I started seeing less and less of him, till the point that I never did. I knew I was not like his family, and I learnt I am frum, but what type? After many years I decided to take the test and here are my results (I barely passed, nothing over 66%).

Left Wing Modern Orthodox:27% Right Wing Modern Orthodox:63%

Left Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:66% Right Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:41%

The Orthodoxy Test says that I'm Huh?

What does it mean? I give up. What are you?





And the search continues, but I will always be Jewish

THE EVENT

That's right, I finally got around to writing about THE EVENT. So once again the famed Lipa Shmeltzer is going at it again, with his new event, "The Event". I have just a few questions. The Event sounds a little weird, don't ya think. I understand Big Event, its just one of the big events going on in the world. But The Event? that seems very in your face, as in the only event worth going to all year, is the super bowl not an event enough to be THE EVENT?

I would buy tickets to go, but I am afraid I wont get my moneys worth. Let me explain. Whats stopping it from being banned like the BIG EVENT? Is there anything different than the last one? Its in the same place, and almost on the same date. The rabbanim (or frum Mafia) will somehow put a stop to it, and then I will lose my money. Or does the fact that he named his last album Poshiter Yid make him all humble, and then his event wont be canceled.

No one really knows why his big event last year was canceled. It was in the paper for the next few weeks on why the rabbanim banned him. Something about fake signatures, or not knowing at all about what they were signing, and there was supposed to be a meeting to discuss it, which never ended up happening, and it was banned anyway. Some say the secret Frum Mafia got behind it, and put a stop to him for an unknown reason (did he not want to give them a 25% cut?). Who's to say it wont happen again; therefore, I am not going to buy a ticket to his concert.

What ever the case maybe, I think that Lipa made the wrong choice about making another EVENT. I also think that he made a bad choice with the name he picked for it, but Lipa is Lipa and it somehow all works out the Lipa way.

WHAT DO YOU DO DURING CHAZARAS HASHATZ?

The most boring time during shachris and mincha is Chazaras hashatz. Let me explain why, the chazan is just reading what you said already, halachicly you don't need chazaras hashatz anyway, and three, you can see it on peoples faces.

So what to do to pass the time? Here is what I see people do on a regular basis.

The Talkers: These guys couldn't care about the amen the just missed, all they care about is complaining how long the davening is and why cant the chazan go faster. If they are into sports than all you'll hear is how they're fantasy team is down the drain, and how this guy cant play that sport. the Rabbi and gabbi will shush them, but it doesn't matter they keep on going.

The Readers: They keep to themselves through reading, be it a gemara or any old english book. You'll never have the Rabbi shooting looks at them.

The Pacers: They have nothing to do besides take a walk around the shul. They are usually the ones to clop for yaleh vi'yavo at the beginning of shmona esrei. They never have a siddur in their hands while walking, so when it come to kedusha you can hear them say the first few words loud and then they quiet down because they don't know the rest. Many times these guys walk up to the chazan and tell them random facts about shemona esrei, while they are in middle of chazaras hashatz.

The Collector: this guy goes to each and every guy, and some twice, just to get all their spare change for tzedakah.

The Astronauts: They just stare into space, thinking about Gd knows what, till the chazan finishes, at the end they cant remember if they stood for kedusha.

The long Daveners: These are the people who daven through the whole chazaras hashatz. Some of them stand still while davening and don't move unless the need to bow. Some are really violent and twirl they're peyos as they shake, or they just leave the peyos out, and messy. Then there are others that actually look like they are having a conversation with Gd.

The Listeners: Yes these people actually are listening to the chazan (hard to believe). Some of these people actually put their fingers on the place, and say amen with a lot of concentration.

The money counters: Plain and simple they count their money. These people get nagged by the collectors.

The textors: Even though cell phones must be turned off as you go into shul, some still text. these are the guys whose cell phones goes off during shemona esrei.

The Coffee Drinker: These guys are out of the shul during the repetition of Shemona esrei getting their coffees, and missing everything, only to come back when its over.

Mike In Midwood: Goes to shul to daven and get out. I just like doing my thing and then leave, that means; I don't talk in shul, or have a long shemona esrei, don't drink, I read a little, I day dream, give tzedakah, then I leave (of course I stay for aleinu).

What do you do during Chazaras Hashatz?

TO LIFT A CURSE

So there was this lady who wanted her curse to be lifted from upon her soul. She went to a sorcerer to lift the treacherous curse. thw woman paid the sorcerer and left. Turns out the sorcerer did not remove the curse. The woman, upon hearing that her curse was not taken away, decided to sue for her money back, in a civil court. The sorcerer didnt want to have the case in a court governed by the state laws, so the sorcerer pleaded to have it in a Jewish court, so as to not have to pay back (Jewish law is strict against using sorcery, so the sorcerer wouldnt have to pay back). The Judge, a frum jew, did not allow it, saying that the monetary issues are governed by the state, and not jewish law.

This story is actually a true one, and happened recently in Israel. My question is: Would a Jewish court allow the "sorcerer" to keep the money, or would they say that since it was paid for, but wasnt done, you need to pay back? I am not so sure what a Beis din would do.