The Shidduch Crisis

This is an email forwarded to me, it may be a little over the top but enjoy.

Ich zug dir, I'm really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one's
bashert in today's society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls
to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me - but so many of them
tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they
can't think of anyone for me, they're too busy with other things Even when
they do find a few free moments to 'red' me a shidduch, they just never come
up with anything decent! It's a shanda, I tell you.

No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!

I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.

I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the
yeshiva!

Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv
out there for us future mother in laws.

I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know
what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does
he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really
needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:

"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."

"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"

"Huh?"

"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger
than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."

"Oh, well I don't know "

"And how tall is she?"

"Oh, she's average hei-"

"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone
shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5.
She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So
this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be
acceptable."

"Ok. I just-"

"What does she look like?"

"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."

"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching
pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my
son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"

"This girl is pretty."

"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"

"Yes, she's very-"

"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my
Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle
snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about
everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a
good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't
be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the
table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks
into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"

"No, I'm not sure I-"

"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son
doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the
first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in
kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply
refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's
partial to BMW's."

"Oh. I didn't-"

"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone
who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned
out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large
family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child,
nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY
child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so
my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third
child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."

"Actually, she's-"

"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would
never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations
back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to
witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And
we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."

"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"

"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."

"You do?"

"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could
possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished
getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her
family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably
feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're
probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha
of Shabbos as much as they should."

"Well then, what should they eat on?"

"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl
quiet, or is she loud?"

"She's not too quiet"

"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's
a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way
out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all
throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get
her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."

"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"

"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have
any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"

"Of course not, she's-"

"What will she wear on her head?"

"Excuse me?"

"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel?
Which is it?"

"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"

"Regular? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head
tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,'
'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or
a rebbetzin?"

"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas
middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's
just a good gir-"

"Did she go to camp?"

"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed
home."

"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too
attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have
some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors
to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with
a girl who hasn't been to camp."

"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"

"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right
these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with
any girl who hasn't been to-"

"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to
work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone
for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your
son."

Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch
crisis!

SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE, I CANT SOLVE THAT PHRASE

We are warned about the shidduch crisis, and all it creates, everyday; whether it be from the yated or mishpachah, the Jewish press, or even our very own Frum Single Female. How many people think they have an answer to it? raise you hands (or press shift on your keyboard 5 times). Well if you are raising your hand or pressed shift 5 times, you made a big mistake (raising your hand is stupid because no one can see through your computer screen, and pressing you shift key that many times will show a sign on your monitor asking you if you want sticky keys).

Reason number one why you made a mistake: The shidduch crisis is based on people. People are human if you didn't know, and humans make mistakes. People make mistakes thinking that, someone who thinks slightly different then them is completely out of the question, and not even worth checking out to see if its a potential marriage. Of course this, as any other human perspective, evolved, it grew from the fact that shadchanim exist. Shadchanim are simply people who tried to fit everyone in a box, if you don't fit into the box you are outside the box, and not worthy enough to be set up with people on the inside of it, simple enough. But the idea expanded, not only did they just make a box, they made it really hard to get into, the slightest of "deficiencies" is going to get you kicked out; if you were once a yeshivah rebel, or you wear blue shirts, or maybe you work, or you have plastic at the shabbos table, if you're a girl you may be to smart, whatever the case maybe your out. Then the idea grew so big it became a crisis within itself, like an epidemic that started out as a flu vaccination, it wasn't originally meant to harm, now everyone is judging who's in this box and in one of three other boxes with every glance, its not just shadchanim. How do you stop an evolving crisis that cant be killed from its source a.k.a. the shadchan, I don't know.

Answer number 2 why you made a mistake: who wants sticky keys anyway? I like mine nice and clean. You shouldnt have pressed shift 5 times just because I said so, I wouldnt have known if you did either way, but if you really think you do have an answer you can leave a comment with your idea.

So the answer is, SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE is not possible, its to complicated and is therefore unsolvable, because if it were to be solved it wouldnt be unsolvable.

WERE GOING OVERBOARD.

This product claims to make things chametz free, because that's its name "chametz free". It uses plastic covers for door handles, faucets, cabinets, and anything else that has handles. As you can see on your picture to the right on the bottom, there is a doorknob with a cover on it, as I said before it claims to make things chametz free. Now why would you need to have your doorknobs chametz free?!!!!!!........ ! Your cabinets I can barely understand, and thats if they are in the kitchen. Faucets I don't understand, at all, because you can kosher a metal faucet, and its normal to do so. So why do you need them? the answer is, you don't, that's right you don't. Its all a conspiracy to get people to buy these stupid products, and this wasn't even made by Kosher Innovations. And that's bad, because now you will have two stupid companies fighting to come up with even stupider inventions, and us, the people will have to buy them because we may not be frum enough with out it. And it will all end up with a shadchan asking if you put covers on your doorknobs for Pesach, to determine if you are holy enough to be dealt with.

Yes we are going overboard, and somebody save us.

AL SHADCHAN

The crowd quiets down, the MC(master of ceremonies) comes up to the microphone, as the lights dim on the crowd. "Tonight" he says "we are going to have a guest speaker. He is known throughout all the world. He is extremely nosy, and takes everything very personally. He is known to make speeches all the time, on every little thing that the community has problems with. Tonight he is speaking on the shidduch crisis. Introducing Al Shadchan!" (spoof on Al Sharpton).


Al takes to the podium. "Ahem, many things wrong with this community, people aren't going on shidduch dates. By all means, we should be trying to do everything we can possible to put an end to this crisis.... or it will be an unstoppable crisis. I believe that everyone has to do their part. Everyone should be calling friends and family to make things progress. To defeat a crisis, we must act against the crisis, by all means necessary..........."


1 hour later, and Al is still going on. The crowd seems to be wary of his speech.

"I believe that many people are affected by outside forces, which are known as goyim too many of you. They get married at 25, and think its okay. Now Is not saying that they are wrong, only that they have no concept of what they should do. Many of you have been influenced by the scum Ive said before. You think that looks and dress are what makes a person, or the fact that they are "outside the box" makes them not acceptable enough to go out with. But I say you are wrong, be ashamed. I have a dream ( I know that's MLKJ's line, but did you notice that Sharpton copies him tremendously?) that Bochurim and fresh from seminary girls, will go out on a shidduch just because they are who they are, let the segregation end..... once they reach the parshah. Ive dealt with many who, as they say, aren't sure about things. I say to that, if they have asked all the questions to me and to your parents, and they have white (yes, Al shadchan is white) tablecloth, there is no reason not see the other side".


One more hour later and he is still going, the crowd seems to be hearing the same thing over and over. Some even think he said this same speech, just changed the subject, to Dov Israelish (the Jewish equivalent to Don Imus).


And last, I think that we should all stand together, and fight for our community when eva' a crisis hits. We are the chosen nation, we will come forth, B'ezras Hashem".


The crowd cheers at the end, because its the end. MC talking now "That will be it for tonight, as we would have had 3 more speakers (sigh), but due to the time we just cant. Thank you and good night".

MAGEN DAVID (spoof on pyramid)

Welcome to Magen David, the show where we evaluate shidduchim. Yeshivah bochur walks in. "Heeeeeres your host... Random Shadchan" Says the announcer. Rabbi guest walks in. Random Shadchan tells us what the winner will get "The winner of this; gets a shidduch date, with a girl who calls herself, not your typical bais yaakov girl". The crowd cheers. Yeshivah Bochur sits down in his seat, rabbi sits across from him. "Remember the rules" the shadchan says "There are five questions, rabbi you cant tell the bochur the actual answer, only hints. When you get it correct, you will hear a Ding! sound, okay.

You have 20 seconds on the clock. The topic is Life. start now! Rabbi doesn't understand how to work the computer. Bochur tells him "just read whats there". Rabbi understand now. 12 seconds left. Rabbi hints "Where you go after you are married". Bochur "Kollel!". Ding! Random Shadchan says "good job, you are now one step closer to the prize". We stop for commercial break, on the all Jewish network Shidduch Central.

Host Random Shadchan welcomes us back "Welcome back, and as you were gone, Yeshiva Bochur has passed to the third round. He answered a tough question, on the topic of yeshiva, with "White shirts only". Once again 20 seconds on the clock, Topic for this is, Not So Bad, and start". Rabbi to Bochur "I tell you something" Bochur to Rabbi "I listen, speak, daven? Rabbi back to bochur "A rosh yeshiva says don't do something for no apparent reason". 8 seconds left. Bochur back to rabbi "Listen no matter what" Ding! "Well done" Random Shadchan says "all you have to do is get these two questions left on the Magen david, correct, and you are an okay shidduch match". Crowd cheers.

"Okay 4rth round, Yichus is the topic, the clock begins now". Rabbi "Personal questions". Bochur "my childhood, my hashkafa, My mother learns, my looks?" Rabbi "heritage". Bochur " Yichus, My yichus?". 6 seconds left. Rabbi " to some is embarrassing but to you okay" Bochur " Your great uncle wasn't frum mine was!". Ding! Host " very close but you got through". All you have to do is answer this last question, and you have passed, this harsh shadchan question course".

"Last question, don't let the pressure get to you" Shadchan says "one last time 20 seconds, the topic is Useless questions from shadchanim, and here we go" Bochur looks nervous. Rabbi begins to stutter, thinking of what to say. "uh uh uh, You use it on shabbos." Bochur "shabbos coat, shabbos hat, shabbos lamp.... shabbos toilet paper?" 10 seconds left on the clock. Rabbi "Shabbos table, kiddush, stains". 5 seconds left. Bochur "Plastic table cloth?" 2 seconds left " uh uh uh uh". BZZZZT. "Times up" the host says "sorry, the answer was white shabbos table cloth, not to be confused with, the modern orthodox plastic table cloth. Don't worry for a backup prize, we give you the "out of the box" YU girl".

Thanks for joining us on this wonderful show. All guests will receive a 10$ gift certificate to Eichlers (fine print: 10$ in Eichlers cant buy you anything). See you next time on Magen David.

THE SHADCHANS FAULT (update on last post)

It seems that many people have caught on that you can learn and work. Which until recently didn't exist in peoples minds. I have read in the Jewish press (GASP!) that people want an LE ("learner earner"). Now its all the shadchunim's fault they didn't exist. They are telling the guys who want to be an LE that no girl would want them. Then they go to a girl looking to purchase an LE and say there is no such kind of person in stock.

In the article IM YIRTZEH HASHEM (by you) There is a person there looking for an LE. The Shadchun tells her "There is no such thing "either go find a Kollel boy (who only learns does no work) or go settle for a modern boy" ( who doesnt learn and only works or doesn't even work). Why is it that marrying someone who wants to learn and work is impossible to find?

I guess its a conspiracy of the shadchun. When someone becomes a shadchun you have to sign a contract that the only people you work with are the ones that learn and have nothing to do with being able to live with the money they make. Also this person has to have support from there parents otherwise they are disqualified. Going to college is another thing that disqualifies you. So in the end the only way to get a shidduch is to be the perfect person with no variety of different people. Its like you try one and you tried em' all.

It happens to be that in another article in the Jewish Press also talks about the same concept. The REBBETZINS VIEWPOINT had someone write that no "good girl" wants to marry him and he is an LE. I don't know where this person got his perspective but I have a clue. (see upper portion). The Rebbetzin wrote back that there are many "good girls" that want an LE and that she knows them and they want to contact this person. I can see it now the Shadchuns plot of a shidduch crisis is now collapsing.

I conclude that the Shidduch crisis was (I say "was" since it should end now) all the shadchuns fault. We just have to realize that there are people out there that can fit the "new" category of "learner earner" and I promote this new category. A shadchan should allow people to be an LE not against it. Why they are someone please explain. :)