Another Edition of Mike Tonight

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In frum news, a new wave of people in Israel have been living by segulos for everything they need. They have been reported to "dial a Yeshua" for all their basic needs from the organization called Kupat Ha'ir, and have tried everything else to get help besides pray to g-d for it. As one "Segulaist" said, "Why pray when a rabbi can promise you anything, think of it as a genie with a beard".

Although not everybody is happy with this lack of faith in g-d. Many are disgusted that the more radical Segulaists don't even attend shul anymore. Others are more disgusted that people wont use shadchans anymore and rather rely on a segula to get married instead. One shadchan poured out her heart to us "(sob) its just.... its just that I love manipulating people into going out with each other (choke, sob) why wont they let me continue (sob) lets just ban segulos".

In a even more recent report, the Segulaists have pretty much broken off from mainstream orthodoxy, and even have cult like behaviors. Just this past motzei shabbos they had a gathering in the forest of Jerusalem behind yad v'shem. We had are very own David Spiegler there to report the story. David Spiegler: "Yes Mike, as you can see (no you cant this is bloggeradio) behind me there are havdalah candles lit all over and about 400 people dancing around making Indian noises and showering in the havdalah wine and some even going as far as to wash there clothing in it. To onlookers it seems like a cult ritual that includes immersing in wine, but we spoke to one of the group leaders who organized it and she had this to say".

Group leader Avigayil Sidorov (spoken with a heavy Israeli accent): "We are not a cult of any sort, although it might look like it due to the candles lit and the bathing in havdalah wine, but in actuality we are just performing the well known segula of taking the havdalah wine and putting it on your forehead. Its just that over time people put it on their eyes to purify them and in their pockets so they can get money for the coming week, so we decided to just dip our whole selves in it and we will cover everything, and we wash our clothing in it so we don't miss any pockets or any other segulos".

David Spiegler: Despite their intentions, Mike, it seems like a real cult. Back to you in Midwood I'm David Spiegler.

Me: Thank you David, in other frum news there was an earthquake in Haiti killing 200,000 and leaving many with out homes and others trapped under the rubble.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.
This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

Pizza Store Conversations

Some people go to a Starbucks to drink coffee and get wifi so they can keep up with every ones lives on twitter or facebook. Others get the coffee and wonder about what everyone else is thinking. I'm telling you that if you really want to know what others are thinking and/or want to get the latest buzz on someones life then walk into a Brooklyn pizza store, its as simple as that.

It just so happens to be that this very concept was rudely thrust into my face when I went for pizza the other day with an acquaintance. I sat down behind a guy, probably in his late 20's early thirties, talking to his mother. I didn't even have to turn around to try and figure out what he was talking about or check his status to find out whats the big issue in his life, he simply told me. Okay not really told me, but he said it loud enough for anyone to hear, so its as if he told me.

Me and my acquaintance didn't feel like hearing about his whole life, but this is how it went. He was arguing with his mother over his fathers estate, although it didn't sound like his father was dead yet. He went on to explain how his father treats him like dirt and doesn't invite him to football games. His mother tried telling him that that's not true, but he knew the truth. At one point they were talking about someone else who they knew and did not have a father, and somehow loud mouth in a pizza shop didn't want to "share" his own father with someone else. His mother tried to convince him that this guy needs a father, to which he persistently said " I have a father why should I give up mine to help him out just because he doesn't have one, its not my fault". At this point me and my acquaintance were scratching our heads, didn't he just say that his father treats him like dirt? It went on and on, constantly arguing back and forth on every single subject about family and money to doctors, lawyers and psychologists, and that wasn't the mother boasting about of her sons accomplishments. My acquaintance was speculating about telling them to just shut up because no one wants to hear it, I said I would take a video if he did for proof, it didn't happen in the end and we just left. We did try to make our own little argument to hint to them that arguing in public is rude, and that didn't work too well.

Ahem, right, so getting back to the point if you really want to do what it is i wrote in the opening paragraph, then a Brooklyn pizza store is the place. Do you have any stories of weird conversations you might have been forced to listen to? do tell.

WORKING OUT

People need to exercise its a known fact, it helps you move, lose weight, helps cardiovascular system, and does many other things to help maintain a healthy state. Many people exercise, including Frum and goyim alike.

The way to jog, goyim: Jogging is one such way is to exercise. You can see throughout the early hours people jogging just about anywhere. On street corners they will be bouncing around on their expensive sneakers waiting for the light to change and start moving somewhere again. They get out there sweat bands and sweat jackets with their Poland spring "to go bottles" to keep themselves fit.

The way to jog, frummie (woman): They don't actually jog because that's not tznius so they power walk. Unlike the jogger who goes alone, the frummie woman power walk in groups that take up the whole sidewalk while catching up on the latest gossip, or while setting up shidduchim. They don't have special clothes, no sweat bands, no sweaters, just tichel or turban with cheap white sneakers, its always done in the morning. Very common on ocean parkway.

Lifting weights, Goyim: Usually done by guys with massive muscles, either they bench press the weights or they lift it from the ground above their heads, simple.

Lifting weights, Frummie: Usually done by a guy in a talis who everyone thinks has to be really strong just to do hagba. That's right, Hagba is considered this great big thing almost impossible task and only Shimshon like people could possibly manage to lift a scroll into the air, and it gets worse on simchas torah with the whole flipping idea.
Then there is the lifting of people by weddings, bar mitzvahs don't count because the kid is too lightweight. Mainly done as a group workout, but occasionally done by one specific person who puts them on his shoulders.

This is the difference between Jews working out and goyim, some say its a great thing that we are distancing ourselves from the goyim, others don't believe half of this counts as workouts. If you have any ideas to put, we are open to hear them in the comments section, titled "# agave their 2 cents", which now has word verification to prove you are human due to spam comments.

IM STILL WAITING

Its been over a year now since Obama was elected, and all is fine, well almost. The world is still running, there is no universal wars, I can still live a normal life with the liberty to practice my religion. Who could have thought that we could go a whole year since he was elected without having one of these things, oh wait I thought so, but there were those who didnt.

Flashback to a year ago. Remember people were holding tehillim rallies so he wont be elected, others were fasting hoping hashem will rip up the bad decree. I remember people telling me a lot of things, many weird things, they are going to leave the country and move to monsey, or kiryas yoel was just one of them. Others predicted 2012 to happen early with proofs from prophecies of the neviim, Zohar, Chumash, Gemorrah, or any other sort of Jewish work, and it was quite funny to see how they would try to prove it. They would tell me "If you take this letter from here and add it to this one here multiplied by that it equals Obama". At first I would be perplexed as to why they chose such a random order to prove something when I could do that with anything, they should have used a system that at least had a pattern. Then I would ask "Okay you proved it says Obama somehow, now how does that prove he is the cause of the end of the world?" a smart person wouldn't answer, dumb ones said things along the lines of "Hitler had that whole youth program and Obama is working on one" (oh so that's why Obama wanted to speak to kids in school (sarcasm sarcasm)).

And yet it has been a year, Obama is president and Mashiach isn't here, nor are people running to different countries like they promised, and I'm still waiting for the testimonies of some to come true, who wants to wait with me.

Studies on YWN and VIN commenters

VIN and YWN have been the source of ridicule amongst the Jewish websites. It seems that if anyone is poking fun of any site its usually one of these two. It has come into question as to why people cant help but laugh at whats written in their comment sections, and post them up on blogs and Facebook profiles.

A recent study done by the National Committee for Spotting Stupidity (NCSS) came to prove the theory that the commentators on YWN and VIN are completely blind sighted when it comes to reading the news. Their lack of respect for fellow commentators has been shocking, at any given point in a day there is hate, and coffee, being spilled in their coffee rooms. Many have come to call other commentators such terms as, Shygetz, Anti-semite, Goy, Nazi, Mashiach stopper, and Shygetze mashiach stopping goy, and many more such terms. But the hate is not the only thing bringing people from all walks of Judaism to laugh at these sites, The NCSS has taken a poll that has shown that the average VIN commenter has a stupidity rating of 67% that is light years above the stupidity of the national commenting average which stands at 38%. But what is even more shocking about the NCSS's study is that the average YWN commenter is 12 points ahead in stupidity compared to a VIN commenter, YWN stands at a whopping 79% in stupidity, an earth shattering point.

After hearing these latest announcements from the NCSS a YWN commenter had this to say "What can we do? we Frum Jews are removed from society, its the non frum Jews who should have better morals" and when asked what happened to being a light onto nations he responded with "Its all because we done have a strict enough tznius level, if only we were to wear cardboard boxes we would be passed this nisayon, hashem yirachem. I better give two dollars to kupat ha'ir so this halachah can be passed and our yeshua can come".

With the mystery out of the way we can only look to the future to tell us if they will be stupid and keep to what they are doing, or they will find a more civilized and less foolish way to comment, being that they have such high stupidity rate their chances look bleak.

AN UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE

I hope everyone liked the superpower meme, it seems like everyone is enjoying it.... oh you did like it, well you're welcome or uhh... thank you.

Now to the post.

It was not too long ago that I stepped into the source of judaica (a judaica store) and I had a very unpleasant experience. I decided I needed a new pair of tzitzis and a new kippah in honor of rosh hashanah, being that I was going anyway I was asked to get some for by brother too. So I went to the nearest judaica store. As I was searching for a kippah that fit, trying many on to see if I want with a rim, no rim, 6 part, or 4 part, one of the guys from register came over to me and asked me, wait scratch that, told me "You're done, come and you'll pay for it". Now this wasn't at anytime near when they close so I have no clue why he was rushing me, but anyhow I looked at him and said, "Actually I'm not done, so I'm not going to pay yet" he seemed a little annoyed. Then I called my brother to ask what type of kippah he would like, the guy at the register (he walked back) was eyeing me for some stupid reason, maybe he thought I was going to pocket a kippah and not pay for it.

After I got my kippot, I went to look for some tzitzit, now this time as I was walking past him he said "okay lets pay for what you've got" and once again I said "Actually I'm still not done yet" and then he sighed, who in the world does that in front of a customer. I looked for some tzitzit, I tried some on and chose what I wanted, then I decided to take my sweet time getting to the register, just to annoy him.

Now this is some service that I didn't like, why was he rushing me? why was he giving the evil eye to me? why did he want to have me pay for things when I could buy more?

Now I am not someone to leave you with a bad story, so I would like to tell you that I walked into the 7-11, that has shown racism, the one on avenue M, and I actually came out with a smile this time all because of the service. So you see people, especially now that rosh hashanah is coming, you should give everybody a smile and treat them nicely because it can leave an impression on them, and if you don't then they might not go back to your store.

I CANT TAKE SEVEN ELEVEN 7-11

I was one of those people that rushed after motzei shabbos to the nearest 7-11 to get my hard earned free Slurpee. The first place I went to I was looking around for the seven point 11 ounce cups, but they were nowhere to be found. I decided to go to the front counter and then I remembered I was Jewish. I was thinking how would it look if a Jewish person walks up and says "Hey you got any free Slurpee's?", but then I did it so I didn't have to think about what would happen if I did. The cashier register/ guy at the counter said "nuh..... uh uh" as he tried forcing the half words out of his mouth. I took the impression he was lying, but I didn't want to argue with him for two reasons, 1 because he just said nu..... uh uh which means no and two because what if he really wasn't lying and I argued how cheap would I look, so I left.

I headed to another one close by, which did have free ones, and you had to get them at the counter. I felt weird asking again, because well I'm Jewish and I don't like being categorized as cheap, in fact I go so far not to be called cheap that when ever they give me back change I always tell them to keep the pennies or I put most of the change in the tip box. I asked anyway, and the guy said "who told you that?" and then he laughed and handed me one (he didn't laugh because hes a racist, it wasn't offensive).

Now if there's anything that can ruin getting free Slurpee's its this. I hate having to go up there and ask, why cant they just put it out like all the other cups and everyone will take it and not feel cheap, or have a massive sign outside that says "FREE SLURPEE DAY, GET YOUR 7.11 OUNCE CUPS HERE!!!" that way I don't feel cheap. I have had many occasions in 7-11 where I ran into the cheap Jew stereotype, written about here and here, and that is why I officially hate 7-11 employees and their management. Any questions?

A NEW BREED ARISES (evolution?)

The creature named Shul Shusher (or in Latin Synagogue Shushisis) is a staple in every shul, from big ones in Manhattan to the small basement shtiebel in Monsey. The shusher doesn't always accomplish their self imposed job, hence they keep on shushing. The life of a shusher is not a fun one, everyone hates you till you let them talk, even the kids hate you (just let them run in the halls will you), plus you seem to spit to often. But in some shuls there is a new type of shusher arising.

This new type of shusher, a more rowdy type, one that is more inclined throw a punch or two just to get you to shut up, is what we are dealing with. They are called the SHHHH I'm Trying To Talk To Someone Shusher, or SITTTTSS for short (the Latin name hasn't come in yet). These creatures love talking so much they make others quiet down so they can hear who they are talking to, just goes to show what kind of shuls they live in.

I myself have abandoned a few shuls due to the infestation, animal control isnt helping and Peta wont let me call the exterminator. But there is hope, they are searching for a species that will counteract the new breed and contain it.

Most experts believe the evolution of this once simple shushing creature is due to a mass of talkers concentrated in one area of a shul, thus drowning out any other noise and sometimes their own. This then irritates the talkers causing them to become more violent and turning them into SITTTTSS's. Others argue and claim they are of a totally different breed. A more recent study done by the "professors" at VIN teamed up with "scientists" from YWN , have attributed this new breed to the lack of tznius in the communities. Although there is no evidence to support their claims, VIN and YWN hold to it strongly.

Whatever the cause maybe, I really don't like being threatened by shushers and rather have them just say SHHHHH and spit on themselves while doing it.

ON PATROL

Today me and my friend took a stroll through boro(ugh) park. We were schmoozing it up, having tons of fun, laughing at chassidish women with 10 children following behind them and over stuffed strollers. Watching chassidim hitch rides across boro(ugh) park. Guessing how many hatzoloh and shomrim members we can identify. Then we looked for a new game, one that was fun an easy to play. We made up a new game called "name the chossid". Basically, whenever you see a chassid, you have to correctly call them "Tuna beigel" or "Yoeli", then you can argue whether they fit the category of tuna beigel or yoeli. Its very easy to identify a TB, if they have a cigarette, or they aren't wearing any black clothing, or they have a ring of useless keys with 400 keys or so, or they came out of a Cadillac Escalade or Chevy Tahoe or even a Lexus. Some where in between both categories and hard to tell what side they leaned towards.

I had a lot of fun and would do it again, it beats any day watching baseball.

YOU ARE JUDGED BY HOW YOU LOOK, GUEST POST BY CHILD ISH

This is a guest post by Child Ish Behavior. Child Ish is known throughout the Jblogosphere for his astounding work on Social psychology. If you want, you can check out my guest post on his site, where I tackle a topic on social psychology.

If you walk around long enough in the real world you will learn to discriminate. You will learn to make off the cuff impressions of people without even hearing one word out of their mouths. Most of the time, you will be right. The first impression you get from a person is usually the one that rings the truest. It takes a lot to change a first impression; it is way easier to keep the good impression once earned. People are much more likely to overlook the small faults, so long as the original impression of the person is positive in their mind.

The other day I was in the city taking care of business and I noticed how each person dressed a different way. Men, Women, Children- I don’t think I saw one person dressed the same way. It truly astounded me. Each person got up in the morning and decided to put on something unique.

As I continued to observe I noticed that not only were people’s cloths unique for each individual, their facial expressions were unique as well. Each person displayed expressions that were all of their own. While there were some similarities between people, there was the working expression of concentration, the shopping expression of exhilaration, and the bored expression of the commuter nation, in general though, each person exhibited something unique about themselves.

Just by walking down the street, looking at the facial expressions and clothing that the people were wearing, I was able to make on the spot first impressions of all the people I passed. Lazy, zealous, kind, stupid, ambitious, flirty, happy, sad, confident, modest, careless, curious… The list goes on. I was even able to construct little stories about all the people that went by; where they came from, why they came to the city, where they were going- all just from one glance, all from that one first impression.

I don’t know if the story I constructed was the truth, but it remains true in my mind until I know otherwise. Since, I am not likely to pass the same person again, that impression remains with me. I will forever view the people in my mind’s eye based on that one glance.. It is for this reason that people who care about what others think of them pay attention to their outward appearance. While you may not think it is important, and while you may think that it’s what’s inside that counts, people don’t see your inside. All people see is the view you display to the public, and while you may not be able to control what all people think, you can put your best foot forward when it comes to your outward appearance. I cannot tell you how to dress, but I can tell you that you are judged by how you do.

This post is sort of an answer to my post on being judged by others.

A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

DO YOU HAVE SHEMA OCD?

There I was in a shul, ma'ariv had approached and we had started shema. I said it as any normal person would say it. The guy a few seats next to me was a different story; he was going at the shema for approximately 10 minutes, as the books title, he was praying with fire. I was in middle of ending my shemonah esray, when this guy finished his shema. I didn't need to be a doctor to diagnose this guy, he has Shema OCD. He didn't just need to say every word once, but 7 or 8 times. I don't understand why one would have such a behavior? Does this guy know some sort of kabbalistic segulah, or something, that says to repeat every word of shema till you've had enough? Do you have any clue what it is, or is it just the symptoms of Shema OCD? I know I have been going on and on about OCD and Jews, but maybe its really true.

AN ALMOST TRUE NEWS REPORT

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In recent news such sites like Vos iz neias and Yeshivah world, have been banned by local authorities. Until recently, reports were unclear as to why the sites were closed down, due to the fact that we get our news from these sites. But in an exclusive interview with an anonymous rabbi, we made the unclear, clear. "To have a yiddishe owned site is a chilul hashem, what will the goyim say if they found out we were using their Internet? nu? and all de machloikesim these sites create is anti yiddishkeit. They are constantly coming up with new halchos in their coffee rooms. I don't even understand how you can have a coffee room in the Internet? who supplies it?" said the anonymous rabbi.

Our very own David Spiegler, is out in the streets giving us live feed from everyday people. David: "Yes Mike, as you can tell this was a big shock to the local Jewish community. It seems to me that we have some very mixed opinions about this recent event. Everyday person: "Its about time they shut down some treife sites like these, anything we do to pure ourselves of sites like these is hashems will". "While another person, Mike, had some other ideas". Other person: "Why would the rabbonim ban such a site? I was commenting on YWN and preaching how we should listen to the rabbonim with no questions asked, but why did they close the site? it was kuloi toirah". (David asking other person) "Do you think that YWN created machloikisim between yidden?". Other person: "Of course it did, who did you think I was yelling at in the coffee room? only the non believers who believe its okay to be commenting on the Internet". David Spiegler: "As you can see some of the views of the people are confusing, as seen with the last one interviewed".

Thank you David. There is yet to be a comment made by the creaters of the sites There are a minority of Rabbis who suggest that they allow the sites to remain open, because they are afraid of the other places the people will get their news from.

I am Mike in M. and good night. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (background music).

YOU-TOPIA

Many times people come up with philosophies of what they think the world should be like. They use all their methods of persuasion just to get people to agree with them, if they go really far they try implementing their ideas into society. Some people want equalness to its fullest, with people not judging one another based on how they look, but whats on the inside, and there will be no crimes committed, and everyone will be understanding of one another. Others want a world where the stupid are enslaved, or another race is enslaved (that's called racism). Religious people want a world where everyone serves G-d, for the sake of g-d, and for some the opposite (not believing in g-d).

People are just trying to change the world to be, what they consider, a perfect place in their minds (for example: Karl Marx). Now its great that you want a perfect world, but think, will you be able to live in your utopia? You have problems; you get angry, you're not always understanding, you don't always judge people favorably, you're stupid at times, you're not always religious at times, you might push someone out of the way just because you want to, because of this you wont even be able to live in your perfect society you dreamed of. Having a utopia is impossible if you live in it (and everyone else is perfect), you do one thing wrong and you're teaching others to act the same way, thereby disrupting the utopia.

A utopia can never be succeeded, because for a world to exist it needs flexibility and some breaking of the rules, due to us and are not so consistent lifestyles.

SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE, I CANT SOLVE THAT PHRASE

We are warned about the shidduch crisis, and all it creates, everyday; whether it be from the yated or mishpachah, the Jewish press, or even our very own Frum Single Female. How many people think they have an answer to it? raise you hands (or press shift on your keyboard 5 times). Well if you are raising your hand or pressed shift 5 times, you made a big mistake (raising your hand is stupid because no one can see through your computer screen, and pressing you shift key that many times will show a sign on your monitor asking you if you want sticky keys).

Reason number one why you made a mistake: The shidduch crisis is based on people. People are human if you didn't know, and humans make mistakes. People make mistakes thinking that, someone who thinks slightly different then them is completely out of the question, and not even worth checking out to see if its a potential marriage. Of course this, as any other human perspective, evolved, it grew from the fact that shadchanim exist. Shadchanim are simply people who tried to fit everyone in a box, if you don't fit into the box you are outside the box, and not worthy enough to be set up with people on the inside of it, simple enough. But the idea expanded, not only did they just make a box, they made it really hard to get into, the slightest of "deficiencies" is going to get you kicked out; if you were once a yeshivah rebel, or you wear blue shirts, or maybe you work, or you have plastic at the shabbos table, if you're a girl you may be to smart, whatever the case maybe your out. Then the idea grew so big it became a crisis within itself, like an epidemic that started out as a flu vaccination, it wasn't originally meant to harm, now everyone is judging who's in this box and in one of three other boxes with every glance, its not just shadchanim. How do you stop an evolving crisis that cant be killed from its source a.k.a. the shadchan, I don't know.

Answer number 2 why you made a mistake: who wants sticky keys anyway? I like mine nice and clean. You shouldnt have pressed shift 5 times just because I said so, I wouldnt have known if you did either way, but if you really think you do have an answer you can leave a comment with your idea.

So the answer is, SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE is not possible, its to complicated and is therefore unsolvable, because if it were to be solved it wouldnt be unsolvable.

WERE SO BAD WE MADE THE NEWS

Okay maybe not international news, or even national news, but since most Jews live in the tri-state area, we made it there; because vos iz neias wrote about it and Jews read vos iz neias (yes we only made vos iz neias that's how bad we are, its still news). You do know that in Brooklyn its almost impossible to park, we as Brooklynites will fight tooth and nail for our spots. Many a times we have to fend off bad neighbors who try to save spots, or take up two spaces with one car, either way its a nightmare here in Brooklyn. Well you can congratulate yourselves now that we finally made the news with this daily occurrence, a guy fought (with hands and feet, not tooth and nail like the rest of us) for a parking space and then was arrested for it. Some will say "hey it was bound to happen sooner or later", others will say "Why fight over a parking spot, I just double park". But do you really want to be known as the borough of bad parking? then we got to get our act together and be more considerate of others.

It may seem from the last few sentences that I am calling on everyone to make a difference in Brooklyn, but I know better than that, people will never be more considerate just because I am calling for it, especially in Brooklyn.

YOUR PESACH CLEANING

Ever since Chanukah you haven't stopped scrubbing. You started with your attic, and then went straight towards the basement. By Purim you already had matzoh ready to give to shaloch manot, because you were afraid to have chametz. You also made sure not to accept any shaloch manot, for fear of any chametz residue. Now with a few days left to Pesach, you cant seem to find anything else to clean, but you keep going around searching with a spoon a feather and a candle..... that runs on a extremely powerful battery to produce a very strong light, every single day, who cares if everyone else only does that the night before.

Today, you have cleaned everything in you house, and yesterday...... and the day before. You have been so far removed from the purpose of getting rid of chametz; that you are getting rid of anything that will remotely make a mess, even the matzoh meal you have is to be taken with caution. You have become one with OCD, or a smaller version of Pesach syndrome (Pesach syndrome also involves crazy shopping attitudes, and weird minhagim like not eating anything that touched anything that was once a liquid for fear of it making your food gebrukts [which is only a fear of it having some flour not baked that you still have to wait 18 minutes for it to become chametz]).

You have cleaned, you have finished, nothing got in your way, and there is still a few hours now till Pesach. Wait, go back a few words "nothing got in your way", now how did that happen? you think to yourself. You then remember, YOU HAVE KIDS!!! You didn't prepare for this.

1,2,3,4 kids step into your house running amok, nope, now 5,6,7 and their all yours. They are spreading dirt all over the place, with their muddy shoes, or was it dog doo? You start going crazy, not knowing where to start to stop this. You try getting hold of all the kids, you line up which ever ones you can catch. You count ".....3,4,5 wheres 6 and 7?" you say. You turn around and 6 and 7 are assembling a chametz bomb. "Oh no" you scream. "Don't set that off...... how did you get that? what does it do?" you say. They reply "its a chametz bomb we leftover from Purim and we need to get rid of it before Pesach". "No way" you say "I cleaned the whole house for months now, don't make it all go to waste with a few hours to Pesach". Boom!! you are okay, but the chametz bomb did some serious damage to your house leaving pieces of bread, and leavened dough, stuck everywhere in your house. 6 and 7 are covered in chametz.

You quickly gather everyone in your family, as a stroke of genius falls upon you. You are going to sell the house to a goy and go somewhere for Pesach, in the few short hours you have left, just so you can avoid all the cleaning (how convenient). You, the seven children and spouse, are going to have a worry free Pesach after all, which begs the question, why not do this in the first place?

PESACH AND OCD

We know that many Jews have OCD. Pesach time, is the only time for them to feel normal. Everyone is going crazy to have every book in the house clean, wiping each and every page. The floors are washed and washed again. The carpet is vacuumed by the maid, then the wife, and then a child. The cabinets are sealed because of impurity, with a sign on it saying not to touch it. Some things are sold because you are too afraid to even have it in your possession. Everything you do to clean for Pesach is very OCD friendly, you cant even tell the difference between a normal person and one with OCD. You can say "When it comes to celebrating Pesach everyone does it the same (this is also meant for people not religious)" .

But Pesach may be a reason why people become OCD in the first place. Besides for the fact that Jewish life itself may cause people to become OCD; through, going to mikvos which aren't clean, or because you don't go to mikvos every second it makes you feel unclean, or because Jewish law requires washing and cleansing yourself from the evil spirit (its phrased as evil spirit, though its really just an impurity on your hands) that rests upon you many times (before you eat you waah, when you wake up, etc.etc.etc.).

Well, Pesach requires even more cleaning, and getting rid of impurities, more than any other holiday in the Jewish Calendar. Chametz is referred to as a the evil inclination, which is not allowed to be eaten on Passover. Chametz is found in almost any food, syrup, drink there is. Not only that; but, you must check that you don't have any chametz in your house on Pesach, not even crumbs, in the smallest of corners. Will this not make anyone go crazy cleaning for Passover? it can inject such a fear of this sin; that, people will gain an OCD behavior from this. They will scrub and check countless times, just to make sure they wont have any chametz over passover. They will be very afraid of what they eat during Pesach, for fear that the one who supervises, to make sure its kosher l'pesach, didn't do a good enough job.

Pesach is a rough time of year, but don't let it make you crazy (do a lot of destressers, as told by the Mishpacha magazine ).

THE LAZY WAY OUT

There you are, no not there, oy, look to your left, yes there you are learning with your chavrusa. You have been learning with this chavrusa for a very long time, ever since you came to this place many moons ago (no I am not getting sci-fi on you). You both have learned through most of shas, tanach, and shulchan aruch, including most of the mephorshim. You and your chavrusah, are not like most people in the kollel, you actually learn something. You can say that you and your friend are living the kollel dream.

Everyday your schedule is exactly the same: Daven, learn, break, learn, learn, lunch, learn, mincha, learn, learn and learn some more, maariv at 9:00, go home. You basically are in the kollel pumping your way through the pages of Torah all the time. Your chavrusah has the same schedule as you.

Today is no different from your daily schedule. You start out to daven shachris and then go to learn, break, and learn, learn. At one point you are reading a posuk in chumash, in parshas yisro "sheshes yomim tavod". You look up at your chavrusah and say "I don't remember this being in the chumash" Your chavrusah says "no we have had it many times". You ask " Then I don't understand what it means", your learning partner answers "It means 6 days man should work, its simple to understand". You say "I knew what it meant, I don't understand how g-d can say that MAN should work? women work". Your chavrusah is perplexed and claims he never thought about it.

You then proceed to the head of the Rosh Kollel to ask this question, he answers that we men just don't work. This question still bothers you, If g-d said man should work, its a commandment and we have to work, why don't we. You decide that the kollel life is not the right life to live. You tell your chavrusah that you are leaving and that he should join you. He says maybe kollel is work. You quickly ask "isn't it a halacha that a man shall provide food for his wife?" You then say "I am leaving to do g-ds will, I am on a holy mission, call it jihad". Your friend says "If you leave then I wont learn with you". You say "You cant do that, we have been learning together for ages". Your friend then says "Why are you leaving anyway, when you live the kollel life everything becomes so easy for you, your wife does everything". You reply with "your right, why should I leave, it is easy, and if I do leave everyone will think I modern, or not Jewish at all, I am staying".

you end up continuing this system for the rest of your life, day in and day out. You still live with the question why we don't work, but you suppress it with how easy it is to take the lazy way out.

This story may not happen on such a large scale, but there are people out there who take the lazy/easy way out, and they go through life with this philosophy everyday. Basically, many stay in kollel just to get paid for doing nothing and being lazy.

WHAT TYPE OF JEW AM I?

All my life I haven't really known what I was; I always knew I was Jewish, but what type of Jew was I? Ashkenazi or sfardi? that one I answered; I am an ashkenazi and sphardi, I observe both minhagim somehow.

But what type of Jew am I? At the young age of five years old, I came to the realization that my family wasn't like all the other frum families the Morahs spoke about. When I was at some other young age I had a friend, this friend was a real frummie. One day he asked me am I frum, I did not know what frum meant, (I thought it meant that you are a mean/bad person) so I told him no, then I asked what it meant. Shortly after I started seeing less and less of him, till the point that I never did. I knew I was not like his family, and I learnt I am frum, but what type? After many years I decided to take the test and here are my results (I barely passed, nothing over 66%).

Left Wing Modern Orthodox:27% Right Wing Modern Orthodox:63%

Left Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:66% Right Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:41%

The Orthodoxy Test says that I'm Huh?

What does it mean? I give up. What are you?





And the search continues, but I will always be Jewish