THE RIOTS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND DONT PROMOTE IT

Once again the chareidim in Israel protested the use of the parking lot on shabbos, and once again the police came and shot them with rubber bullets, this has been the scene in me'ah shea'arim for the past few months.

There are many bloggers out there condemning this act of violence and rightfully so, its a chilul hashem to burn garbage's and throw rocks at the people using the parking lot, just because you want them to keep shabbos in your city. Yes, people don't find anything sanctifying about burning things and throwing rocks at others, it's a disgrace to g-d's name. Not only is it a disgrace to the shabbos, but in this effort to keep shabbos and chase away the evildoers, they are breaking shabbos, by A) burning and B) throwing rocks in a reshus harabim, since they are melachos which the torah prohibits on shabbos.

In India when they were protesting against the British government they didn't riot, for the most part they did things peacefully, and that's what Mohandas Gandhi preached (one time the Indians did do some violence and he spoke out against that act) . Why aren't any of the Rabbonim doing anything to stop this violence, all I hear are rabbis promoting it, like what I heard recently.

I was in a shul before ma'ariv and a rabbi got up to speak to us for a minute or two. The rabbi said that anyone who thinks what they are doing in Israel is a chilul hashem is wrong and that the protests are the right thing to do. He said that there was one reporter who was filming the violence, the chareidim couldn't hit her because she was a woman, so instead they all spit on her, he justified the act by saying that the camera was like a gun and everyone will do something to save themselves from a gun. There were just too many things wrong with what he said, and his parable was off by a lot. I wanted to go over to the rabbi after davening and ask "How come you don't see Rav Elyashiv at the protests, or why is that they don't call down the chief rabbi of Jerusalem for an inspiring speech before they riot, maybe you don't because its not the right thing to do!", but I didn't want to provoke any rioting in the shul so I kept my mouth shut.

The protests must come to an end, find a better, more peaceful and holy way to get them to stop using the parking lots, violence is not the answer, and Rabbis should stop promoting it.

THE FOURTH OF JULY

I really wish that Americas independence day came on Sunday this year and not shabbos, all the things I normally do on a 4Th of July could be done without having to break shabbos...... actually if I think about it there is nothing I do special on independence day. I don't invite my whole family and make a BBQ, I don't sing the national anthem or go to a Nathans hot dog contest, I really don't celebrate the biggest day in our nations history. I guess I have the frummie mentality of "we don't celebrate goyish holidays and yom ha'atzmut".

But im not lost yet there is one thing I did that I have always liked, the fireworks shows. I used to go near the toys R us spot, where most people do tashlich, less commonly known as Caesar's bay, but they stopped showing it there. Then I heard that the boardwalk at coney island had some, but they too stopped, the last place around is the Macy's fireworks show, and that's on the east river too far for me on a motzei shabbos.

If anybody does know a place where they celebrate our country by blowing a piece of it up, please tell me, or I wont be doing anything special for our country.

INNOVATING USELESS KOSHERNESS

We here at Kosher Innovations are working hard for you at every given moment, and are looking to make your kosher life easier. So we introduce to you THE KOSHER LAMP, LIGHT SWITCH COVER tm. This new invention allows to you to feel safe when around your kosher lamp, so you wont come to turn it off. See how we make your life easier.

Also for shabbos, we have a new alarm clock. You have the regular alarms for shachris 1, and shacharis 2, then mincha and ma'ariv; but now we have one new alarm for the musaf service too, to make sure you don't over sleep musaf.


Have you ever felt the need to calculate how much money you owe to your child's yeshiva? Well we are in the middle of mass producing a never before seen pocket computer system, that will be able to instantly calculate how much you owe to the yeshiva. All you have to do is punch in a few numbers from your bill, and how much you paid so far, and it will magically tell you what you owe. All those years of not taking math class, will finally pay off. And if you order right now, then when we start to sell the product, we will give you an extra one, free!, so you can keep track of your other child's tuition bill too!

Kosher Innovations is truly working hard for you.


To donate to this non-profit organization call 1800-Ino-vate, or e-mail us at Kosherinnovaters613@yahoo.com (you cant e-mail us from optimum or dial up, only koshernet will work)

A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

MUM

After realizing that there wasn't enough labels for people, they decided to come up with a new one, Modern Unorthodox Machmir. These people are not like the modern orthodox machmir, like anyone really knows what that is to begin with, or like regular unorthodox. They are a group of people that decided that they are unorthodox, but are machmir in some cases, making them the new, or modern, unorthodox and machmir.

Well not anyone can just be Modern Unorthodox Machmir, you have to keep to a set of rules from that are derabanan and ignore the rest of which are deoraisah. For example; they will drive to shul on shabbos, they only eat the shmurah matzoh, but dip their McDonalds french fries in saltwater, they eat only chulent that was heated on the blech, but yet turn on and off lights on shabbos.

But they aren't just machmir on the derabanans like saying sefirah, they are also machmir on environmental issues as well. They are warned about the 11th commandment "though shall not have a massive carbon footprint". Weekly sermons from Rabbi Rebecca, and her husband Reverend Davis, at the local shul, are constantly reminding the kehillah about the need to keep the planet clean, and are putting bans on new products that falsely claim to save the environment, every day. Therefore the community of MUM's will only have one child, use recycled paper and strap themselves to trees all over the world.

The life of an MUM is a tough one, only the most Machmir of Jews are zocheh to enter their sect of Judaism.

SHABBOS GREETING AWKWARDNESS

We know how to greet someone on shabbos; the other person is two cement boxes away, about 4 feet, that makes you actually able to look like you are greeting the other person, (not screaming) and giving them a chance to say good shabbos back before passing you. Then there are the times that things go wrong, or awkward occurrences, that sprout from this common occurrence.


Lets say you are walking, and you notice the person coming towards you. In fact they notice you too. You cant just look away, that seems weird. You cant look at the person the whole time till they pass you, that's also weird. Some people will try the look down trick, or the "I am looking straight ahead passed you" look, which never really helps. So as you both are walking towards each other, it gives a weird feeling inside both of you, till you say good shabbos. Another thing you don't want to do, which I find annoying, is right before you pass the other person you cross the street, and in affect, nullifying theirs and your shabbos greeting requirement. Don't do that because I was just about to say it and you walk away, it creates an awkward feeling in me and you, probably, too.

Some times you just aren't sure if you say good shabbos or Shabbat shalom, for example if you think the person is Sephardic, maybe a shabbat shalom is necessary. Then it happens where you cant tell if the person is Sephardic, now you'll never know what to say, and you will always end up looking stupid.


Saying good shabbos to male/female if you are a female/male. This turns out to be a problem only in Brooklyn, because out of town everyone says good shabbos to everyone. If you do say a good shabbos, in Brooklyn, you will probably get a look of astonishment from the other person, which really means "how could you even have the nerve to say good shabbos to the opposite gender", and sometimes you get the invisible look, where the opposite gender pretends you don't even exist. Very rarely, in Brooklyn, will you ever get a good shabbos back.


Many times the people you are greeting will mumble something like "gishbs", which just means they really don't want to say good shabbos. You'll look back at them and wonder, "why couldn't they just say a normal one, am I not worthy enough for one?" Sometimes you will get a nod from people, which I think is better than a "gishbs". For some reason I have never heard anybody say "you too" to a good shabbos, I don't see why it wont work, are you not greeting the person back?

Another weird problem is, you are walking back from shul, for you its after shabbos, the people passing you are on their way to shul, they didn't finish shabbos, or the opposite way around. Do you say "good shabbos", or "gut vuch", you'll never know. On Yom tov it gets harder, what do you say; Gut yuntif, chag sameach, chag kosher v'sameach, Yom Tov (good day)? And on shabbos that falls out on yom tov it gets harder, do you say "good shabbos" first and then the yom tov greeting, or just one them?

Then there is the don't answerer's. These people brush right by you, they also give the "you don't exist" look. That isn't awkward, its just chutzpah.

If you ever pass a group of people: That even you're expert on shabbos greeting etiquette doesn't know what to do. In that case it will always leave you with is an awkward feeling.

Shabbos greetings are just so hard, no wonder people in Boro Park gave up on it.

A CHABAD POST

I am no chabadnick, but I know few things (Fabrengin, see I know something) when it comes to the lubavs. I know that they are the source of the Elders of Zion, going around converting everyone (I know they don't convert people). I know that they wont go day without a cup of vodka. I know they daven real late, 10:00 is the early minyan.

Somethings I love about 770, yeah I've been there, is that, you will never have a permanent seat. First try getting a seat, each one is taken and not given up easily, the place is always packed. Once you get one, don't stand for shemona esray, it will surely be taken. You could do the siddur on the table in front of you trick, to save your seat, your siddur will be taken away. You could even put it on your seat, to try and save it, but when you return to your seat it will be replaced with someone elses hat.

I love kri'yas hatorah, every single aliyah is given to someone getting married that week, which means that after every aliyah candy is thrown for the soon to be chosson. You could have 3 separate minyanim in 770 at one time, for ever chosson to get an aliyah; because, they come from around the globe just to get an aliyah at 770.

But recently after session of throwing candy, one of the candies hit the gabbai in his eye, he is partially blind in it right now, hopefully he will get better soon. He spoke about this to whoever is the head of 770, and they seem to want to get rid of the candy throwing business. I don't think that they need to stop it, how many years is it going on that no one got hurt, one incident is rare, I say don't stop it. But it seems like its going to stop, and one of my favorite lubav past times will drift away.

So what do you say to my first chabad post?

FINDING A NEW SHUL

You have been searching for a new shul; ever since you got into one of the biggest fights in your old shul due to a guy forgetting someones Hebrew name. After your friend nagging you about this other shul you could go to, you decide to go there. You have absolutely no clue what this shul will be like, all you know is that its supposed to have a good kiddush and, anything is better than your old shul. You think to yourself "Why didn't half of the minyan from your old shul separate and make its own shul?". You answer that with "I would probably fight with them either way". You are still not so thrilled about this new shul.

So you head out to this new shul on shabbos morning. It occurs to you that this place is a black hatter shul, due to all the black hats. You find your friend, who told you to come, you wait till chazaras hashatz, not too long being that you walked in during baruchu. For some reason, you decide to take the seat of someones makom kavuah (usual seat he prays in). The guy doesn't say anything, rather he stands very, very close to you. Being that the guy doesn't use any deodorant, or cologne, you decide to move only to shoot him a dirty look. The guy intern, waves his smell at you with his hat.

So you pick a new seat. At this new seat you are sitting next to the loudest, worst voiced guy in the shul. Not only is he the loudest worst voice in shul, but he even goes as far as to use the chazans tunes while not pronouncing any of the words. So you are sitting right next to the guy who wont put his lips together on any of the words he says. You wonder to yourself " Is there a guy like this in every black hat shul? (the truth is, there is one in every black hat shul)". You decide to tell the guy off, he responds with an even louder than possible davening. To get back at the guy, you take away the tissue box the guy ever so needs for his drooling mouth (the drooling mouth is caused by not closing his lips as he says the words). Don't think Mister drool faced loud mouth doesn't have a plan, as he begins drool over you. You in return give back the tissue box.

After you are done chazaras hashatz, at which you would have talked to your friend only to be shushed repeatedly by the rabbi, you feel like this shul isn't for you. Leining is over, and you are thankful that a fight didnt start out over hebrew names. Your friend decided to request hagbah for you, you would have told him no, but whats done is done. After leining you get up there to do your thing. You say to yourself "this Torah isn't so hard, plus its pretty much even on both sides". You take the atzai chaim and thrust the Torah up in to air.

As you are turning around, to show off how well you did the job and how many columns you got, there is a guy behind you who starts to grab on to the Torah where ever he can. You tell him to stop, its going to fall, but the guy is to worried you don't have control of the Torah he tells you. You tell him repeatedly "hagbah isn't that hard I got, I got, your making it worse. He tells you "sit down already I don't want to fast 40 days!". The hagbah freak is now pushing you into a seat, and now guy who doesn't use deodorant is getting into the mix, you lose your balance and now the Torah falls. Everybody is shocked to see what happens.

Instant turmoil begins to erupt. People are screaming, the Rabbi runs to pick up the Torah, children are screaming for their mothers, a fire has broken out, how you do not know. One guy is trying to sneak his way out of shul so its as if he doesn't need to fast forty days, someone else jumps out the window in an attempt to do the same. A different guy punches you in the face and says "I cant fast 40 days I'll starve to death". You tackle j=him and scream back "you can eat at night, and its not my fault, its the hagbah freaks fault". Another guy knocks you off him and shouts back "I am not Muslim, I don't celebrate Ramadan" You scream back "they all eat in the bathroom anyway, don't you know?" another guy hits your friend over his head with a chair. You charge at the guy for hitting your friend. Now the shul is in complete chaos, everybody is hitting everybody. Loud mouth drool guy is coming after you, along with makom kavua guy. The fire that started before, is now getting bigger, everyone is forced evacuates the shul.

The screaming continues as the police come. They decide to arrest only you, on the charges of assault, damaging holy articles, and holy sites. As you are being carted off, you think to yourself, "That idiot if only he would have let me be, and now I have to fast in prison &*$%^&*@ " You curse out everything (mister loud drool face) and everyone (makom kavua guy and hagbah freak) that have made your shabbos a difficult one, and swear to never set foot in that now burnt down shul.

So this shabbos, people, be thankful your shul is..... no....no... there is no moral to this story, too bad.

THE CHALLAH THIEF

It was in a unmentionable place where it happened. The scene: My mother buying challah, a cart that cant fit through all the aisles and the challah thief.

It was today, a Friday, that it happened. My mother was out buying challah in Mountain fruit, she doesn't like water challah only egg and round, She picks up the last two chalot of that kind. As she was going around another aisle, with her cart unattended (something that should never be done in Jewish stores) due to small aisles, a person went to her cart took out one of her good challos and put in a lesser quality challah instead. My mother only noticed that she now had the wrong type of challah when she came to the register.

This person had the chutzpah to take out something from another cart, and not only that, but to switch it with another one, that's absurd. I understand if you by mistake added something to someone elses cart, you get confused it happens, but this person is just wrong. Something tells me that its not the first time they did it.

So watch out all you unmentional place goers, there is a challah thief (I will find out who you are). If you have any information at all (not giving you the name of the store so I am making it kind of hard), don't keep it to yourself, contact us with a comment below, you can keep yourself anonymous if you'd like.

SHABBOS GREETING ETIQUETTE

A common Jewish practice is to say good Shabbos to someone who is also Jewish as they pass by. Many adhere to this idea while others do not. You may think this is as easy as pie. All you have to do is say "good Shabbos". Right?. Well its not. To be of Shabbos greeting etiquette, you should be within 2 street boxes away from the person coming towards you. If not it seems as if you're jumping out ahead and acting as if you know the guy. You only jump out ahead and act like you know the guy, if you really know the guy. For example, you scream across the street to someone "GOOD SHABBOS" and then cross to speak with them. In that case you can break the 2 box rule. Cases where you don't say good Shabbos are. When the persons head is turned the other way. If you do try you will be ignored. Saying good Shabbos to someone who is too close or passed you already is another thing you don't do. In most cases you do say good Shabbos so try to keep it simple and smooth don't rush it. There are times people don't say it back so don't be alarmed.

Some things you should know about the Shabbos greeting etiquette. When there are two people talking to each other don't interfere. If they are just walking together and not saying anything it is okay to do so. Many people are skeptical about saying it to a woman if they are a man or vice-a-verse. I do not have a problem and say good Shabbos to all. Now Saying good Shabbos to someone in Midwood should come with a warning label. Every other person doesn't have the decency to wish you a good Shabbos back. Once in a while will someone say it clearly enough to be heard while all the other times its just a murmur or nothing at all. One week I was in the country and so I was shocked to actually hear friendliness in everyone's voices.

Another category is Yom Tov. Do you say "gut yuntif" or "Chag Sameach" or even good Yom Tov? Personally I don't say good Yom Tov (who does?). I will say "gut yuntif" to a Jew with a black hat or streimel. To those that wear kippah sruga or are tzioni/Israeli its a Chag Sameach.

Now that you are a expert in Shabbos greeting etiquette. You can brag to your friends about all that you know and how low class they are or you can test it out on people. I'd go with the bragging.

SHUL POLITICS: THE MINYAN/THE CHAZZAN/THE GABBAI

The minyan is an essential part of any shul. Its what makes up what kind of shul it is. If one person would be missing from the minyan, it just wouldn't feel like your in the same shul. These are the guys who don't go to the kiddush club. They may be board members depending on what type of shul you go to. You'll see the people of the minyan be the chazzan for mincha and maariv. They talk in middle of shul but also daven, unlike the guys from the kiddush club (who only talk). If one or two things in the shul go "wrong" they wont blame the rabbi as the kiddush club guys do. They also wield the power that none others have. being the majority of the people in the shul the minyan can put pressure on others and get their way. You wont see much of the minyans power since its kind of hard getting them to agree on one subject.

Many a times the minyan is only a certain sect of judaism (e.g. Satmer, Syrian, Litvish). Other times the minyan is very diverse covering all walks of judaism (e.g. Child Ish's Shul). Some Minyans start off as a band of all walks and then split into two different Minyans (one in a basement). then comes the Minyan that's not in a shul at all. Its called The-Motzei-Shabbos-In-A-Random-Guys-House-Minyan. Don't know how that started, very common.

The Chazzan. The first type of Chazzan is the one for only Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur and maybe Maariv for sukkos and Pesach. These Chazzans get paid good money for stressing their vocal chords and making shul take longer while singing obscure tunes and stretching out words to make them sound like a yawn. I have heard people say that a good chazzan attracts people to the shul. I on the other hand think its a turn off. I have heard these types of chazzans getting the boot for very random reasons. The other type of Chazzan is a guy from the minyan above. Its a better job, no firing. He wont sing anything and your time spent in shul wont be long. Ooooh wait, he does sing l'cha Dodi but even then there is no stretching of the words.

The Gabbai. He is the guy who picks who gets what aliyah and hands out those plastic cards. He does just about everything, from reading who sponsored what this shabbos to who gets P'sicha. In some shuls their are more than one gabbai. Some shuls the gabbai is supposed to keep people quiet. Then there are those self appointed gabbai's who nobody likes. They just like to run the show. Throughout all my years I have never seen a Gabbai blamed for anything. Obviously he has a good job but tough too.

This concludes this chapter of shul politics any other ideas?

SHABBOS SHUVA DRASHA (a little late review)

It came shabbos shuva and I had absolutely no idea where I would go or even if I would go to a drasha. Then it came around 4:30 and and after much thought, I decided to go to R'Goldwasser's Shiur. I got in and then they started saying tehillim, which I thought was a great idea catching everyone at the moment. He had a great Shmooz he even cracked a few good jokes. He went from the topic of forgiving people (obviously) to we have to help everyone in the community to everyone should be a shadchan in these hard times. In fact it was a great Shmooz I didn't tune out for a second. There was only one subject I didn't agree on. Texting.

Yes he went on about texting well not just texting all electronic items and how you should be less dependent on them since they bring in the yetzer hara (which I agree on). But he mainly stuck to texting. He brought a point the Babysitter had said "People feel like they aren't talking to someone so they also feel they can say/write whatever they want". He gave proof to this with an example of someone texting one hundred texts on Shabbos. I don't agree to this since sending letters or emails is exactly the same. Wait, on emails he did say there was a problem. Even without the point of emails writing in general takes the cake. So sorry R'goldwasser cant say I agree.

I still liked the shiur and it left me on a higher note than when I came in. For all you who didn't go to his Drasha you missed something good. Next year I may choose him again.

WHAT YOU DIDNT SEE COMING.

You walk in to this shul. Its the one you mainly go to for a shabbos morning. You like it their since you know most of the people. Its a great place to chop a schmooze on either politics or baseball since the Rabbi cant really tell who is talking.

As you walk in you think to yourself this shul is great everyone gets along so well and the davening is smooth, maybe a little long. You sit down in your normal seat near your normal friends (at least you think their normal although you have had a bad taste in friends all your life). Of course you didn't make it on time, right when they started P'sukei Dzimrah, you came a good thirty minutes late and they were about to say Baruchu (pronounced Buh-ruch-oo).

After you settle down and Chazaras Hashatz (your main talking period besides for leining) has passed you say to yourself (out loud) I love this shul. You are wondering if the Rabbi will speak for a long time before K'riyas Hatorah (if you don't understand any of these terms please comment about it and I will translate). In the end the rabbi did speak for a long time and you used up all your bathroom breaks too early. Now you are thinking I should have took a nap like that guy over there (who cares if you snore).

It finally came the time to recite the holy torah portion of that week. You were hoping that you get invited to the kiddush club well sorry Mr. I have no good stories to tell. You tell yourself its okay there is a kiddush later. About this point in time the rabbi stops the leining for everyone to quiet down this makes you a little angry that the rabbi has the Chutzpah to tell you to be quiet. The next big thing to happen is there is a guy who gets an Aliyah to the holy torah and the one who calls him up, you know the guy who says Yamod So-and-so ben Whom ever Shvi'ee, forgets this guys first name.

This guy is no person to forget their first hebrew name. So now he gets offended and says how could you forget my name I have come to this shul for 2 whole years. So the gabbai who called him up says "Hey" in a whispered sort of tone "there are many people that come to this shul how can I remember all of their first Hebrew names". Well this guy ain't done and he makes a whole big commotion about remembering his name. Then comes two or more people defending the gabbai. And before you knew it the whole shul is one huge fight.

You decide to get in on the action and you say "You forgot my name when I was called up two weeks ago. Another guy says "yeh he forgot mine and I don't care you shouldn't either". Then the old men in the back get into it. The Rabbi just wants order and to finish up the davening but no one cares now. You are ready to throw your fist in someones face. Somehow a rather young guy (who seems to at the head of the gabbais campaign) is arguing with one of the oldies in the back. One of the Oldie's friends gets up and screams "You Nazi. He Vas in Da Var (war).

In some odd way davening ended. you are cursing out this once Beloved shul and all those who you opposed today. You say to yourself that shul never got along and everyone hated each other. How could you go to a shul like that. You then decide not to go to the kiddush which was sponsored by someone who was on the other side. You vow in anger never to go to a shul which cant remember your name. Also you are going to quit being a member of that shul.

In most shuls this doesn't happen (we can only hope) and will kiddush come next which you are waiting for so for kiddush read this.

SHALISH SHUDDIS (shalosh seudot, seudos shelisheet)

On Shabbos you are required to have 3 meals. Each one containing at least 2 loafs of bread we call them challa. The last meal has many different names each one derived from the same root. Some just deformed over the years into a new word which in reality means nothing.

Some people like to have there (I'll call it this way so as not to make people rack their brains trying to find out what I meant) 3rd meal in shul. In a shul it would have to be sponsored by some person on some rare occasion. People sponsor the 3rd meal for some of the most random reasons. Sponsored by so-and-so in Honor of him buying a pet dog or in the honor of the pet giving birth to another little thing. Some are little better at choosing what they sponsor it for. this 3rd meal will be sponsored by So-and-so in honor of his friend's, brother's, new son and then everyone goes MAZEL TOV, mazel tov, mazol tov, mazel tov and it fades away.

These 3rd meals in shul are usually made up of some sort of crackers that are never that good. Herring left over from the mornings kiddush or any other kind of fish. A little fresh cut melons (any kind) and one roll for yourself with nothing to go with it. The drink vareity is good with maybe a little of Dr. Brown. These are the 3rd meals that where the rabbi wants to sing he gets drowned out by everyone talking.

Then there are those that have the 3rd meal at home. I have heard of all these lets call them "inventive" ideas for the 3rd meal when its made at home. So some people have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Others have chulent or left over gefilte fish. I once heard a mother talking to her son in a local midwood store about this issue of what to have for the 3rd meal, She suggested to have cereal and milk, I don't know how they do that with the issue of eating milk and meat within a 6 hour period.

Either way, you'll never feel like you had a full meal and it always seems like your missing something. What are your ways to feed yourselves at the 3rd meal or do you chicken out and not have one (a 3rd meal).

SHUL POLITICS: THE KIDDUSH CLUB

If you wanted to know what a kiddush club is and/or never had one in your shul, you are in luck. Throughout this post you will learn all of what you didn't or did know about the the kiddush club.

The Kiddush club is in fact a club, like a chess club but different. It is made up of a group of people who decided to leave davening early and start kiddush before everyone else. From what I know they like to get drunk. Oh something very important. There are various different types kiddush clubs and it depends on what shul you go to that makes it what it is. Back to from what I know. They like politics (every kind), talking in shul is a big one. They also talk about the government. Either against the government trying to find ways to cheat it or they are some how connected to it and know all the FBI tricks (that maybe why they know how to cheat it). I shouldn't forget they like to stick there two cents into everything.

Like I said they like politics. They love it, cant go a shabbos without it. They also "love" the Rabbi (cant wait to go a shabbos without him), so they decide to mix them together. After they have done their little experiment, it ends up that the rabbi is the source of all political problems (even non political). As in the post before the Rabbi is blamed for just about everything..... by the kiddush club.

Talking in shul. I think that this is a big reason for hating the rabbi. The rabbi is usually in charge of making sure everyone keeps quiet and they don't like that. I guess you could say that one of the reasons for the kiddush club's roots, stems from here. They want to talk and they cant. They also want to leave shul but don't want to miss the great kiddush. It then grows from just a few people wanting it to a few people having it (the kiddush and leaving shul). So unlike the rest of us who stay and wait patiently for davening to be over they can't wait and have no patients. Hmmmm..... Patients, that's something they don't have. That explains a lot.

They also give advice for cheating the government. I wouldn't take any advice on how to cheat the government from a drunken person and they drink. They start some of the most random conversations like about parking meters. How the city checks up on them and each one has the same key if they are on the same block. They are always bragging about how they cheated those 25 cent meters. They could have bagged them with those black plastic bag or took a chainsaw and chopped them off, drove away before the cop gives them a ticket. Another thing they have besides some made up stories, is some sort of connection to the government. they could be the most useless person on earth, but they have a connection so respect them. Its usually an uncle, brother, friend, brother in law, cousin, friends friend, as long as its not a woman it counts (sorry they are also anti feminine).

How to get into a kiddush club? Well it depends what type of shul you are in. Many shul's don't have a kiddush club, in fact many shuls don't have a kiddush. Some shuls they have to nab some wine and herring from the kitchen which is for the real kiddush later on. Anyone is invited to these, as long as you have some stories, connections to the government (which you are against) or a complaint on the rabbi. Other shuls its more complicated then being invited. You actually have to pay a kiddush club fee. This means that someone is buying all those things you eat and drink and cant steal them from the shul.

This is the kiddush club and concludes Shul politics (unless I do one on the Chazzan and gabbai).
As you can see shul is no longer a place to pray and find the Jewish faith at its best.What once was a place of torah and tefilah has now become a place of politics and the blame game. It is now not a shul but rather a business.

WEATHER OR NOT

You walk outside your house on a cloudy shabbos day. You take a look up in the sky and its pretty dark. You think, do I need a raincoat or not. Probably no since its been like this all day long its going to hold off and its just to hot to wear one. The last answer is not a great one since you rather boil then be sopping wet. You anyway convince yourself not to bring one even though you might regret it. If only you could turn on the radio to find out the weather for that night. (the weather is usually not how they predict).

So you march on out to shul in the humidity, with your hat and jacket. As you are walking you hear a sound in the air. Is it thunder or just an airplane flying above? You then are looking around for any sign of rain. You sniff the air and smell the fragrance that comes before the rain. Instantly you feel a drop on your hand. No it cant rain, I just bought this new hat. Great now its gonna get ruined, is your reaction.

You walk in a brisk pace hoping to beat out the harder rain to come. The rain is more consistent now. A huge flash of lightning STRIKES in to the sky, within seconds there is a great rumble. You try to saying the bracha on the lightning and thunder but you just cant remember it. The wind is picking up threatening to topple all the trees. The rain is now at its hardest. You are running very quickly. Fighting verses the heavy wind and bullets of rain, your new and expensive hat blows away. You chase after it, splashing your way through giant puddles your hat went through already. Another flash of lightning streaks across the sky. You grab your now "shmattah" and place it on your head.

Three kids are screaming as they pass you by and are running for shelter. Across the street is someone with an umbrella blown with its inside out. Another person is running with a newspaper over there head. You are running just to make it to shul with absolutely nothing on you're back besides your suit jacket. Its good, at least your jacket is getting wet not you or Shoots you're jacket is getting wet. (Thanks Child Ish for clearing that one up).

You finally make it into the shul drenched. You are not too happy with your brilliant decision to not bring a jacket. Your friend walks in also pretty wet and says to you "lucky for me I was about to just step outside and it started pouring So I brought a jacket". This only further enrages yourself. With every step you take you feel the water in your shoes squeezing into your socks. (awful feeling I know).

You have just went through Gehenom on earth. Your last hope is that you dont have to run back in the same weather. Hopefully you dont have to,better pray well by mincha.

Yes, this past Shabbos I experienced some of this. If I did not pass my friend and ask to come inside, it could have been this case. (lucky me). I knew it was going to rain but I left my jacket in shul from shavous the first night so I guess I was not so lucky. May we all be Zocheh not to be stuck in the rain in that situation.