Merry Nittel Nacht

Warning: very stereotypical, well the beginning at least.

Tonight is the night that people don't learn but cut up toilet paper, eat Chinese food and watch all the new movies before the Christians can. Its Nittel Nacht, and to go with it a story.

Once upon a time there was an old Jew with a very Jewish nose, reaching about four inches off his face. He was extremely ungenerous to all the Christians who would ask him for charity upon the coming of Nittel Nacht. When he wouldn't give them they would ask "Where is your Nittel Nacht spirit?" which he would answer "Bah, Hanukkah" in a grumpy old voice.

It twas the night of Nittel, and all were not touching the Talmud or any other source of Judaic learning, including the old Jew, Ben Ezra Gold, when came upon the door was Eliyahu Hanavi. The old Jew asked "Who is it that disrupts me while I chop up toilet paper, better not be those stupid carolers. Bah, Hanukkah". Eliyahu answered "It is I the prophet". Eliyahu came to the old Jew to tell him you will be visited by three malachim (angels) tonight. One would be the Malach of what already happened, the next would be the malach of Achshav (hebrew for now), and the next would be the Malach of what will be. The old Jew said to Eliyahu Hanavi "What have I done to deserve such holy treatment?" to which Eliyahu Hanavi answered "Well if you think its holy treatment then I guess they wouldn't be of help too you either way".

So Eliyahu the prophet left the old Jew Ben Ezra Gold, and called off the three malachim, and there never was a whole long journey where he finds out about himself and changes his ways like all the good Nittel Nacht Carols do. Life moved on and the old Jew ate the Chinese food in peace, and stayed grumpy to all the gentile children, and he knew how to keep Nittel Nacht well if any man alive possessed the knowledge to do so for all the years to come.

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

WORKING OUT

People need to exercise its a known fact, it helps you move, lose weight, helps cardiovascular system, and does many other things to help maintain a healthy state. Many people exercise, including Frum and goyim alike.

The way to jog, goyim: Jogging is one such way is to exercise. You can see throughout the early hours people jogging just about anywhere. On street corners they will be bouncing around on their expensive sneakers waiting for the light to change and start moving somewhere again. They get out there sweat bands and sweat jackets with their Poland spring "to go bottles" to keep themselves fit.

The way to jog, frummie (woman): They don't actually jog because that's not tznius so they power walk. Unlike the jogger who goes alone, the frummie woman power walk in groups that take up the whole sidewalk while catching up on the latest gossip, or while setting up shidduchim. They don't have special clothes, no sweat bands, no sweaters, just tichel or turban with cheap white sneakers, its always done in the morning. Very common on ocean parkway.

Lifting weights, Goyim: Usually done by guys with massive muscles, either they bench press the weights or they lift it from the ground above their heads, simple.

Lifting weights, Frummie: Usually done by a guy in a talis who everyone thinks has to be really strong just to do hagba. That's right, Hagba is considered this great big thing almost impossible task and only Shimshon like people could possibly manage to lift a scroll into the air, and it gets worse on simchas torah with the whole flipping idea.
Then there is the lifting of people by weddings, bar mitzvahs don't count because the kid is too lightweight. Mainly done as a group workout, but occasionally done by one specific person who puts them on his shoulders.

This is the difference between Jews working out and goyim, some say its a great thing that we are distancing ourselves from the goyim, others don't believe half of this counts as workouts. If you have any ideas to put, we are open to hear them in the comments section, titled "# agave their 2 cents", which now has word verification to prove you are human due to spam comments.

MIXED UP HOLIDAYS AND TASHLICH

Due to the fact that I didn't write anything about my experience on the high holidays, or anything at all, I decided to fill you on it starting with yom kippur because I cant remember rosh hashanah.

This Yom Kippur went pretty well, I liked it, smooth, a little hungry, and I was not like most people who are trying to cry at the end of Neila, I was sort of happy at the end, then I felt stupid for not pleading more with g-d. Now I really don't want to bore you with my whole Yom Kippur experience because I really just summarized it pretty well and anything I write about it will be just an elaboration of what I just wrote, so forget it (although this year I noticed that a lot of people were nodding there heads during the rabbis speech, were they trying to tell the rabbi hes doing a good job?). If you want a Yom Kippur post from me then you can read my last years post, which wasn't much of a yom kippur post either.


In other entertainment for tonight I have Tashlich memories. I went to tashlich right before yom kippur this year, was it a smart idea right before yom ha'din and all its rush, I don't think so. Where I normally do (the) tashlich is known as Cesar's bay, others may know it as "near toy's R us", and others as "The tashlich place". As I was reading away my sins my family and I realized we had no bread to throw, as one of us said, "Thats like doing bi'ur chametz without chametz" . I look around and realized that on the little ledge between me and the shore 7 feet below there was tons of bread that didn't make it into the sea, I could have used it but I didnt have rubber gloves to touch it with. Anyway, it was just standing there waiting to either rot or be eaten by pigeons, now I don't have the best arm in the world here, I do tend to air ball in basketball, but even I could throw the bread just a little further and get it into the sea. The weird fact is that bread is the most unlikely thing to make it into the water there; kippot, shopping carts, soda cans, barrels filled with radioactive stuff, and a streimel have made it more times into the ocean then bread during the tashlich season (the guy who lost his streimel climbed onto a rock sticking out of the ocean and got his streimel back).

To top all the festivities off we had simchas torah and this year was a let down, it just wasn't as fun as last year, I did the hakafos and all but it was more enjoyable last year. Many people have told me the same thing about this year.It seems as if this year I'm messed up, I enjoyed Yom kippur, and Simchas Torah wasn't so great, what happened! I seriously need to reorganize myself.

EXPERIENCING JERUSALEM PART 1

You have finally made it to the Holy land, years of saving enough money have lead you here. You got off the plane and are looking for a sheirut (an israeli style taxi, not to be confused with sheirutim which means bathroom, you stupid American [did that joke come on too harsh?]) heading to Jerusalem. You aren't carrying as much luggage as you started with from America, due to a fight with another guy over who the suitcase belongs to, and you lost.

You tell the driver of the sheirut he must drive as quickly as possible, because you have no time to lose in your busy life. You then retract your statement because you notice, you don't want to lose your busy life. You are now shivering in your pants because the taxi driver was an authentic Israeli, and says he "knows" how to drive fast...... in bumper to bumper traffic. You finally make it out of the roller coaster, and truly believe the well known joke between a rabbi and taxi driver in heaven, whose punchline is: all Israeli taxi drivers go to heaven, because they make people pray to g-d.

You find hotel a to stop at and to unpack. You decide that since there is enough time in the day you will go to the Kotel and daven mincha. You take a #2 bus up to the WW (western wall) and you immediately rip your shirt upon seeing the holy site, you get looks from everyone around you, then you remember its not your minhag to rip your clothing when you see it; also, you ripped off all your buttons so your shirt doesn't close, exposing you tzitzis (Huh!), you feel stupid now. You pray your mincha, and are now heading back to the hotel while holding your shirt together with one clenched fist. Someone sticks out their hand, filled with some new Israeli shekalim, you look at your tattered shirt and then say to him "ani lo oni" (I am not poor) in your heavy American accent. The guy laughs at you and really wants you to take it from him, you walk on.

You get back on the #2 bus heading to the hotel. As you are about to sit down you are given a look from some guy in a black hat.... then a few people turn around. You wonder whats going on, while people begin to point at you, "Is it because I come from a country of cheesburgers and Im not fat?" you ponder, "or is it the ripped shirt?" as you begin to feel the affects of jet lag on yourself. You doze off and your shirt opens up once again, exposing your holy tzitzis. A Haredi Jew is heading towards you, loud whispers can be heard throughout the bus. Then he hits you squarely on the cheek, waking you up. As you are in a state of shock, he throws you from your seat. He screams at you in hebrew, "Why were you sleeping with your shirt opened, what chutzpah you have", then he says, "and you were sitting next to a women". You get up quickly, so as to not provoke any riots for these riot hungry people, and tell the guy who hit you "slichah" as any good American would do.

You decide on not continuing the ride, for fear that your kippah srugah wont protect you too much longer here. You look to your right and see white buildings built in stone, you look to your left and see the same thing, then you look up a street and then down one and its the same thing everywhere, all white buildings made out of stone, it occurs to you that YOUR LOST! You go trekking all over Jerusalem (little did you know you were doing some peoples favorite hobby, getting a good look at Jerusalem), and have no clue where you are or where to go , the idea that you could have just followed the bus #2 route and found your way flew right over you kippah srugah. You begin to use your half broken Hebrew and hand gestures to find your way, but to no avail.

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Hey fellow bloggers or blogneighbors, this is an ongoing story I hope to write and finish. This is only part one part, two will come in due time.

TREKKING UP TO THE MOUNTAINS

Almost everybody on the block rented a u-haul, stuffed it up, and then traveled to the mountains this week. It was a site to see, parents calling out kids names to see if they left anything behind, trying to figure out how to squish in another suitcase and sheitel, O' it was a blast. Don't think that was the only reason I liked this week. In addition to watching them pack up I also saw them pack out of Brooklyn, which means MORE PARKING!!! spaces! LESS CROWDED SUPERMARKETS!!!

Why am I celebrating so hard? well have you ever tried looking for parking for 45 minutes? or was pissed off that someone took up two spots instead of one? or have someone blocking your driveway for a "minute"? Do you like the double parking on Coney Island ave.? my answer is no, and that is why I am so happy.

Have you ever walked into Moishe's discount supermarket with a pushcart, and tried to maneuver yourself out of one jam only to move into another, its just too crowded there (that's why I like Pomegranate better, but I don't go there often, its expensive). And forget about Thursday nights, its complete havoc in there. What I hate most are the spaced out bluetooth wearers, they just yap away about whatever and it can take a while before they realize they are in your way. Ooh and some are so stuck up, looking to see which is a better tomato sauce, pick one already and stop blocking the aisle.

But that is all over, those extra crowded supermarkets are gonna be upstate where I ain't, and parking will be a breeze, thank g-d for this wonderful idea of a summer retreat.

DO YOU 613?

Me: "...whats you email address"
Them: "blahblahblah613@yahoo.com"

Why is it that frummies always put in a 613, representing all the commandments, into their email address or IM account? I'm sure you know someone with a 613 at the end of their address. It could be the most random things stuck together with a 613, for example; doughnuts613@gmail.com or a name, Jack613@yahoo.com, or a personality, aidel613 (for an IM account), or even a JewsforJesus613@yahoo.com. I don't know why people pick 613 out of all the special numbers that there are, why not 7 for shabbos, or 8 for a bris, or 3 and 4 for the matriarchs and patriarchs, (yes, I got all the special numbers from the famous passover song).

Do they do it as a heter to be on the Internet? As long as they are reminded of the 613 mitzvos then they can be on the Internet all they want, and the Rabbonim will be so proud of them. Or is it for potential shidduchim? "Hey Chaim, scroll down a little, look a something@613, she has to be in your shidduch range".

Its gotten so far that you can find it in Jewish children's books, where a girl went off the "D" and now has a Gmail account with a 613 at the end (just goes to show you how off the "D" she really was), and then she gets some kiruv from her friends and everyone lives heimishly ever after.

I myself am thinking about changing my email address to mikeinmidwood613@yahoo.com, anyone else want to join?

A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

DID YOU FINISH YOUR DIET

Pesach was a long time ago, giving you enough time to diet. Back when I was in kindergarten they made us make charts, with 49 day on it and every 7 days was a different color, I can only think that it was a healthy chart, or a diet one, where every color reprsented a fruit. The end of the chart was on top of a mountain, of which i can only think represented success, and there was a figure that had two sides and a round top on it, that must have been the award for losing the weight.

Recently it has become a new phenomenon, everybody is counting these 49 days, every day losing another pound. There are a few people I know who got out and didn't count anymore, obviously they couldn't take the 49 day diet. I can see why people would go on a diet; its after pesach where you ate tons of matzoh, you have some healthy foods at the seder (maror, karpas), but the rest is loaded with calories , so you go on a diet for 49 days. That's besides the fact its right before the summer.

After you finish the diet you can relax and enjoy yourself, with some mouth watering cheesecake, that with every bite you take into it you can feel your blood clotting and your stomach widen, and you can put cherries or any other type of sugary filling on it so you don't feel guilty eating it. Enjoy your Shavous.

POP GOES THE FRUMMIE

Is it just me, or did most frum girls decide to place a bump in their hair? I don't get it why would someone want to place a bump in their hair? I can see wanting to make your hair long, curly, straight, short, tie it up in a knot, use a clip, shave your head bald, but a bump is just weird. Besides the fact that it doesn't look good to begin with, what made frum girls decide to bump up their hair. Is there a ban on hair longer than 2 feet and they just bunch it up instead? or (chas v'shalom) its a real style? Can someone please explain.

KOLLEL-OPOLY

From the makers of the hit game Jewish Geography, comes the new game of Kollel-opoly. PB (Pollack Brothers) have come out with numerous games that represent the Jewish lifestyle, the game of life being one of them (includes the shidduch crisis and all). The Pollack Brothers were thought to have made a knock off of the original game monopoly, but they specifically said kollel-opoly had nothing to do with it.

How to play: There are up to 8 players, and 8 pieces; A black hat, a jacket, a no lace shoe, a white shirt, a yeshivishe car, one female (modestly dressed) and other such characters. Each player starts off at NU MOVE IT ALREADY (GO), where each player, as they go around the board, will collect their 200$ kollel paycheck for the month. Each player spins the dice, and whatever number it says on the dice, that's how many spaces you move. Don't worry, there is a mechitzah that lines the board to accommodate the one female player, so as to coincide with halachah.

Buying Yeshivos: To buy Yeshivos, for example: the highest priced yeshivah is Beis Medrash Gevoah or BMG (the equivalent to boardwalk) is priced at 400$. If you have a set of yeshivos in one area you can make the tuition higher for the yeshivos, just simply buy coffee rooms (houses), if you have bought 5 coffee rooms, you exchange it for a Dormitory (hotel), this increases the price of tuition in your yeshivos.

Kollel, Free parking, and go to kollel: Kollel (equivalent to Jail) you can make transactions through kollel (remember you have bluetooth and a blackberry). To get out of Kollel (chas v'shalom) you must pay a minimum fee of 50$ kinas, you may then leave next turn, you can stay in kollel up to three turns (you have to go home to your wife sometime, although not recommended). Free parking; lucky you, you don't live in Brooklyn, you cheap Jew always looking to find free parking. Go to Kollel; when you land on this space you must go directly to kollel and do not collect 200$ monthly kollel paycheck.

Children's tuition (equivalent to income tax): When you land on this space, you can either pay 200$ or you can pay 10% of your money to the yeshiva (of course you cant pay all the tuition, you're in kollel)

Wife Expenses (equivalent to luxury tax): When landing on this space you pay 75$ automatic to the bank.

Mazal and communities chest (that's right, take all the community funds for your kollel lifestyle): If you land on one of these spaces you pick up a card. Some may tell you "the community put pressure on you to learn and not work, go directly to kollel do not collect 200$ kollel paycheck" or "shvigger dies you inherit 100$" or "section 8 govt fund didn't come this month, pay for each yeshiva 100$ (remember yeshivos are in basements)" or "Rav gives you brachah you had children, pay 100$ hospital fee" or "tzedakah collector comes by and gives you sob story, pay 15$ (poor tax)".

Coffee works, Electric company, and Cities (equivalent to railroads): The cities are Kiryas yoel, Williamsburg, Lakewood and Bnei brak. The cities combine to make a big impact when together, same for coffee works ( to run your coffee rooms, obviously) and electric company (you aint paying the bill).

The object of the game is to live in a kollel lifestyle, and yet still manage to own the whole board. Have fun playing.

If you have any questions, any suggestions for a future game, or in need of more information visit us at PBJews.com

DO YOU HAVE SHEMA OCD?

There I was in a shul, ma'ariv had approached and we had started shema. I said it as any normal person would say it. The guy a few seats next to me was a different story; he was going at the shema for approximately 10 minutes, as the books title, he was praying with fire. I was in middle of ending my shemonah esray, when this guy finished his shema. I didn't need to be a doctor to diagnose this guy, he has Shema OCD. He didn't just need to say every word once, but 7 or 8 times. I don't understand why one would have such a behavior? Does this guy know some sort of kabbalistic segulah, or something, that says to repeat every word of shema till you've had enough? Do you have any clue what it is, or is it just the symptoms of Shema OCD? I know I have been going on and on about OCD and Jews, but maybe its really true.

THE CUSTODIAN

Every Yeshiva has one of these guys, okay a few of them. They do back breaking labor and get paid worse than the rebbeim, which, by the way, is almost nothing. The kids in the Yeshiva cant really relate to them, because the rebbeim are constantly saying, "If you don't learn you'll end up like the shvartza janitors here", or, "So lets say shmerel had a cow, then Steve the guyishe janitor stole it.....", so the kids think of them as low lives. Some of them may be on crack all day long, but others just really cant get a better job. Every Yeshiva runs on these guys, and they are neglected.

In a Public school, life is probably better. The kids can relate to them. They can play their music, unlike in a yeshiva which forbids all outside music (for the record lipa is outside). No teachers are degrading them. They are treated like humans who have a life, rather than something who is just needed to mop the floors.

The children speak to them normally, not like in many yeshvos where the kids speak to them as if they are retarded, for example: Custodian: "Are you done here?" Yeshiva Kid: "Now no. We done here in few minutes, okay". A normal public school kid would have said "in five minutes".

Being a yeshiva custodian is one of the worst jobs ever, I wouldn't be surprised if in the news you hear a story of a janitor massacring a bunch in a yeshiva .

YOUR COUNTING ON IT

It was the second night of Pesach when you decided to embark on this mission. You thought to yourself, "This year is going to be the one, I'm going to make it all the way, I am going to count sefirah all 49 days". So the first night you are as pumped as people are for megillah leining. You make that brachah loud and clear so that everyone, within a 3 mile radius, should hear. You felt so great that you counted with such a geshmak that night, you wished you can count every night.

From then on you made sure to keep with every halachah and minhug that their was. You made sure that if someone asked what day it was, you can answer with "last night was this and this". Every time they told you to daven for the amud, you jumped at the chance for everyone to hear your brachah. You would go with a fire, and scream "Baruch....... Hayom yom..... Ba'omer!!!!", you didn't care whether anyone was shouting at you that you said Ba'omer and not La'omer, or that the brachah took 12 minutes altogether, you went on.

But it came the closing days of sefirah, and you were wondering what would happen if you said it everyday, with a brachah. You asked your local rabbi about what would happen. He told you that you just were mikaim a mitzvah, and then its over. That night you were thinking about it "I am counting for something, right? then the counting must end, soon. The rabbi is right it will be over. No more counting till next year!?!". But you loved counting so much, you could have been hired by sesame street to be the count, that this hurt you. Instant fear gripped your mind. You run out of shul screaming in the street "yidden yidden!!! you cant count sefirah in a few days, these are precious times don't waste them!!!". You go over to one fellow and say "Tonight is the 46th night, don't forget that and don't stop counting!!!". You leave the fellow thinking your crazy, then you realize you just said sefirah one night without a brachah (saying tonight is whatever, is considered counting and you cant make the brachah that night).

If you thought you lost it before, now you really did, you missed a night with a brachah!!!! Your heart begins to pound, you start sweating, as if someone is about to kill you. Your panicking, what will you do? "All is lost" you think to yourself "All those nights I kept up with it and now I missed it, everything sucks!". You pass out from all the tension you have caused yourself.

You find yourself days later in a hospital, hooked up to an IV. You ask the first Jewish person you see what day it is, they tell two days after Shavous. "AFTER SHAVOUS" you say, "But that means I completely missed 3 whole days of counting!!". You take a few short breaths, the pressure of not counting now plus missing counting before, creates the flat line sound of your cardiac monitor (in other words, your'e dead).

BIRKAT HACHAMAH

5:30 In the morning, I didn't think I would be up this early today, cant even see a ray of sunshine to say that birkat hachamah. The thing about the blessing of the sun, which I am waiting for now, is that all you have to say is one simple brachah; and yet, every pamphlet I got in the mail, or found from Chabad, or Oorah had something they always stretch it out, and none of them have the same way to stretch it out with. For example, in one says a halelukah first, and the other has some sort of Tehillim, or another has what the sun would say to Hashem from perek shirah; its not consistent, why they trying to put on us new minhagim? 28 years later you'll probably do it different, because you'll have a different pamphlet anyway. (beginning to see some light outside).

Sorry I don't know too much about why we say it every 28 years, something about the sun in a 364 plus 6 hour cycle messes it up every year, but I'm pretty sure you can google it.

Well I think people shouldn't get so worked up about saying it, Chabad in Philadelphia is going to say it from the Franklin Institute observatory (kinda cool), but its only one Brachah.

SHABBOS GREETING AWKWARDNESS

We know how to greet someone on shabbos; the other person is two cement boxes away, about 4 feet, that makes you actually able to look like you are greeting the other person, (not screaming) and giving them a chance to say good shabbos back before passing you. Then there are the times that things go wrong, or awkward occurrences, that sprout from this common occurrence.


Lets say you are walking, and you notice the person coming towards you. In fact they notice you too. You cant just look away, that seems weird. You cant look at the person the whole time till they pass you, that's also weird. Some people will try the look down trick, or the "I am looking straight ahead passed you" look, which never really helps. So as you both are walking towards each other, it gives a weird feeling inside both of you, till you say good shabbos. Another thing you don't want to do, which I find annoying, is right before you pass the other person you cross the street, and in affect, nullifying theirs and your shabbos greeting requirement. Don't do that because I was just about to say it and you walk away, it creates an awkward feeling in me and you, probably, too.

Some times you just aren't sure if you say good shabbos or Shabbat shalom, for example if you think the person is Sephardic, maybe a shabbat shalom is necessary. Then it happens where you cant tell if the person is Sephardic, now you'll never know what to say, and you will always end up looking stupid.


Saying good shabbos to male/female if you are a female/male. This turns out to be a problem only in Brooklyn, because out of town everyone says good shabbos to everyone. If you do say a good shabbos, in Brooklyn, you will probably get a look of astonishment from the other person, which really means "how could you even have the nerve to say good shabbos to the opposite gender", and sometimes you get the invisible look, where the opposite gender pretends you don't even exist. Very rarely, in Brooklyn, will you ever get a good shabbos back.


Many times the people you are greeting will mumble something like "gishbs", which just means they really don't want to say good shabbos. You'll look back at them and wonder, "why couldn't they just say a normal one, am I not worthy enough for one?" Sometimes you will get a nod from people, which I think is better than a "gishbs". For some reason I have never heard anybody say "you too" to a good shabbos, I don't see why it wont work, are you not greeting the person back?

Another weird problem is, you are walking back from shul, for you its after shabbos, the people passing you are on their way to shul, they didn't finish shabbos, or the opposite way around. Do you say "good shabbos", or "gut vuch", you'll never know. On Yom tov it gets harder, what do you say; Gut yuntif, chag sameach, chag kosher v'sameach, Yom Tov (good day)? And on shabbos that falls out on yom tov it gets harder, do you say "good shabbos" first and then the yom tov greeting, or just one them?

Then there is the don't answerer's. These people brush right by you, they also give the "you don't exist" look. That isn't awkward, its just chutzpah.

If you ever pass a group of people: That even you're expert on shabbos greeting etiquette doesn't know what to do. In that case it will always leave you with is an awkward feeling.

Shabbos greetings are just so hard, no wonder people in Boro Park gave up on it.

A CHABAD POST

I am no chabadnick, but I know few things (Fabrengin, see I know something) when it comes to the lubavs. I know that they are the source of the Elders of Zion, going around converting everyone (I know they don't convert people). I know that they wont go day without a cup of vodka. I know they daven real late, 10:00 is the early minyan.

Somethings I love about 770, yeah I've been there, is that, you will never have a permanent seat. First try getting a seat, each one is taken and not given up easily, the place is always packed. Once you get one, don't stand for shemona esray, it will surely be taken. You could do the siddur on the table in front of you trick, to save your seat, your siddur will be taken away. You could even put it on your seat, to try and save it, but when you return to your seat it will be replaced with someone elses hat.

I love kri'yas hatorah, every single aliyah is given to someone getting married that week, which means that after every aliyah candy is thrown for the soon to be chosson. You could have 3 separate minyanim in 770 at one time, for ever chosson to get an aliyah; because, they come from around the globe just to get an aliyah at 770.

But recently after session of throwing candy, one of the candies hit the gabbai in his eye, he is partially blind in it right now, hopefully he will get better soon. He spoke about this to whoever is the head of 770, and they seem to want to get rid of the candy throwing business. I don't think that they need to stop it, how many years is it going on that no one got hurt, one incident is rare, I say don't stop it. But it seems like its going to stop, and one of my favorite lubav past times will drift away.

So what do you say to my first chabad post?

PESACH CRAZINESS

After seeing this on A mother in Israel, I have decided to post it up, it is found in the Mishpacha magazine. Can you guess how many mistakes, or crazy ideas are in this article?

Sunday. Closets and drawers should be done by now. Focus on the living area. Today, strip beds, vacuum mattresses, wash linens and dust ruffles. Next, vacuum and clean under beds. Daily De-Stressor: Weather permitting, take a ten-minute walk around the block. Breathe in the fresh air. If weather doesn't permit, exercise and energize yourself indoors.

Monday. Window day. Clean all windows and sills thoroughly. If windows have alarms, disconnect the system while cleaning. Take down blinds soak in tub, then rehang. Wash all curtain, shades and window dressings thoroughly. Warning: Don’t take apart window treatments unless you’re sure you can rehang them properly. Daily De-Stressor: A cup of your favorite herbal tea. Inhale the aroma and take your time enjoying every sip. Use this downtime to call a friend, but keep your eyes on the clock.

Tuesday. Now’s the time to wrap up all areas in house aside from the kitchen, living room and dining area. If you have a den, home office, family room, laundry area, guest room, or playroom, clean thoroughly. Daily De-Stressor: Do something that makes you feel good. A bath, a nap, a massage, a sheitel cut. Put on a pretty sweater or enjoy a scoop of your favorite ice cream.

Wednesday. Catch-up day. If you haven’t been able to complete the chores of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, here’s your second chance. Daily De-Stressor: For some it’s Lipa, for others Beethoven. Take a break during your cleaning to listen to a favorite, or keep the CD player on while you work. What a difference it will make!

Thursday. Before Shabbos cooking, take inventory of everything in the cabinets, fridge and freezer. It’s time to use it up. Most of us have extra soups, cakes, desserts, pastas, cereals, mixes, sauces, and all kinds of chometzdike products. Work these into your Shabbos menu. When you finally tackle the kitchen, you’ll be glad you did. Daily De-Stressor: Reading’s the all-time Great Escape. By now, you have probably received next week’s issue of Mishpacha. Put your feet up and enjoy your favorite column.

Congratulate yourself. You’ve accomplished a great deal this week. Finish your Shabbos prep and air out the house. After a week of cleaning, it’s time to let in some fresh air. Daily De-Stressor: Go out. A short visit to a local park, a lake, a favorite bookstore, will do wonders.

If you spotted zero, you are just as crazy as the person who wrote this.
If you spotted 1-3, obviously you werent paying attention when you read it.
If you found 4-6, youre doing okay, but reread it again, its already too many, right?
if you found 7-10, you found a lot, but missing one that I found.
If you got found 11+, you know this persons crazy, if you found more than 11 please tell us what they were.

WHAT AM I? CHAMETZ!

Although the phrase is "what am I? chopped liver", but in the spirit of Pesach we can make some changes. So What am I? chametz! it seems like it from the Mishpacha magazine.

The articles in the Mishpacha, a very frum magazine, this past week have talked about Pesach cleaning. Each and every one of theses articles, from what I've heard, spoke about how the mother/wife of the family has to start picking up the pace to be ready for Pesach. They even gave all sorts of tips or de-stressers, to cope with the cleaning for Pesach. This leads me to believe that Mishapcha magazine is extremely frum.

How come they didn't say anything about the father/husband of the family helping out? I know that today I was scrubbing walls and floors, shaking everything to rid them of chametz. I worked hard, and no! I didn't need any "de-stressers". Does the Mishpacha magazine think that the male of the house doesn't help out? In fact the whole cleaning task is primarily on the male of the house, according to the Jewish law. Great rabbis of the past have done the cleaning without their wives help, for fear of them not doing a good enough job. This allows me to conclude that the Mishpacha magazine is really frum, because they think that they know better than rabbis from 2000 years ago who can bring back the dead. They must know that the husband is in kollel learning and too busy to help out; therefore, they only write the articles for the wife.

If you read Mishpacha (I dont), and you are wondering like me why they only talk about the wife, then you are not frum enough to read the Mishpacha. So yes I conclude, I am "chametz" according to the Mishpacha magazine.

MEGILLAH READING

Notice: this was supposed to be posted taanit esther, then got pushed off and got pushed off on Purim, again. I was very busy, but its here now.

Everyone is always pumped for the first megillah reading, as if they are supposed get a reward for it, but truth be told there is nothing so special about it.

Everyone crowds into shul, some in their costumes, and some not. Maybe its the fact that everyone, who does have a costume, likes to show off their great costume. Some might have great costumes and think so, some don't have great ones and still think so. But I don't think this is why everyone likes megillah reading; otherwise, you can just have a normal party with everyone bringing their costumes.


Then you have to wait for the megillah reading that you were pumped about, through most of maariv; is this a great way to start off Purim? Okay so now you've started megillah reading, its got a funny tune to it, but its not something to be pumped about, and if you want to bang when the reader says Haman, you still have to wait till the third perek to hear the first one. I don't think that's why people are pumped about it; besides, the fact that you bang a little, there is really nothing to be so pumped about.

Another thing not to be pumped about is that, you hear the same story every year, who wants that. Go tell a five year old the same story every year (he will have to be five for quite a few years) you'll never hear him asking for you tell a story again. Not only that, but you are fasting at this point in time, no one wants to listen to megillah.

This leaves me to realize that the only reason people are pumped about megillah is that everyone is quiet during it; otherwise, you miss a word and aren't yotzei. Who wouldn't like for everyone to be quiet at some point in time, I definitely would like that.

If you have a different reason to be pumped about megillah reading, please share.