Another Edition of Mike Tonight

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In frum news, a new wave of people in Israel have been living by segulos for everything they need. They have been reported to "dial a Yeshua" for all their basic needs from the organization called Kupat Ha'ir, and have tried everything else to get help besides pray to g-d for it. As one "Segulaist" said, "Why pray when a rabbi can promise you anything, think of it as a genie with a beard".

Although not everybody is happy with this lack of faith in g-d. Many are disgusted that the more radical Segulaists don't even attend shul anymore. Others are more disgusted that people wont use shadchans anymore and rather rely on a segula to get married instead. One shadchan poured out her heart to us "(sob) its just.... its just that I love manipulating people into going out with each other (choke, sob) why wont they let me continue (sob) lets just ban segulos".

In a even more recent report, the Segulaists have pretty much broken off from mainstream orthodoxy, and even have cult like behaviors. Just this past motzei shabbos they had a gathering in the forest of Jerusalem behind yad v'shem. We had are very own David Spiegler there to report the story. David Spiegler: "Yes Mike, as you can see (no you cant this is bloggeradio) behind me there are havdalah candles lit all over and about 400 people dancing around making Indian noises and showering in the havdalah wine and some even going as far as to wash there clothing in it. To onlookers it seems like a cult ritual that includes immersing in wine, but we spoke to one of the group leaders who organized it and she had this to say".

Group leader Avigayil Sidorov (spoken with a heavy Israeli accent): "We are not a cult of any sort, although it might look like it due to the candles lit and the bathing in havdalah wine, but in actuality we are just performing the well known segula of taking the havdalah wine and putting it on your forehead. Its just that over time people put it on their eyes to purify them and in their pockets so they can get money for the coming week, so we decided to just dip our whole selves in it and we will cover everything, and we wash our clothing in it so we don't miss any pockets or any other segulos".

David Spiegler: Despite their intentions, Mike, it seems like a real cult. Back to you in Midwood I'm David Spiegler.

Me: Thank you David, in other frum news there was an earthquake in Haiti killing 200,000 and leaving many with out homes and others trapped under the rubble.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.
This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

My New Years

Material Maidel had a post here, on the topic of celebrating "New Years". I began to think, is it right or is it not. I came to the conclusion I personally wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years". Going to watch the ball drop in times square, getting mad drunk, watching all the ESPN top ten highlights for every sport this past year, are all things that would make me feel weird if I did them (okay the one about sports I wouldn't feel weird doing).

That weird feeling I would have I can only describe as me missing out on something from what is My usual New Years. For example: The taste of an apple dipped in honey or chalah, humming dip the apple in the honey while dipping it in the honey, eating a fishes eyes, trying all the simanim that I would never eat all year round anyway, sitting in shul for hours and knowing my fate is being determined that day, and so on. I wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years" without that. The most I would do for "New years", and not feel like I'm missing something, is saying the year 2010 over 90 times so I feel comfortable saying it, like people would with V'sane Tal U'matar, but thats where it ends.

P.S. last year I wrote how everything has been down like the ball dropping including gas prices which were 1.83, well that went up another dollar in the past year.

Merry Nittel Nacht

Warning: very stereotypical, well the beginning at least.

Tonight is the night that people don't learn but cut up toilet paper, eat Chinese food and watch all the new movies before the Christians can. Its Nittel Nacht, and to go with it a story.

Once upon a time there was an old Jew with a very Jewish nose, reaching about four inches off his face. He was extremely ungenerous to all the Christians who would ask him for charity upon the coming of Nittel Nacht. When he wouldn't give them they would ask "Where is your Nittel Nacht spirit?" which he would answer "Bah, Hanukkah" in a grumpy old voice.

It twas the night of Nittel, and all were not touching the Talmud or any other source of Judaic learning, including the old Jew, Ben Ezra Gold, when came upon the door was Eliyahu Hanavi. The old Jew asked "Who is it that disrupts me while I chop up toilet paper, better not be those stupid carolers. Bah, Hanukkah". Eliyahu answered "It is I the prophet". Eliyahu came to the old Jew to tell him you will be visited by three malachim (angels) tonight. One would be the Malach of what already happened, the next would be the malach of Achshav (hebrew for now), and the next would be the Malach of what will be. The old Jew said to Eliyahu Hanavi "What have I done to deserve such holy treatment?" to which Eliyahu Hanavi answered "Well if you think its holy treatment then I guess they wouldn't be of help too you either way".

So Eliyahu the prophet left the old Jew Ben Ezra Gold, and called off the three malachim, and there never was a whole long journey where he finds out about himself and changes his ways like all the good Nittel Nacht Carols do. Life moved on and the old Jew ate the Chinese food in peace, and stayed grumpy to all the gentile children, and he knew how to keep Nittel Nacht well if any man alive possessed the knowledge to do so for all the years to come.

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

JUDAISMS NEXT TOP MAIDEL

A new reality TV series on the all Jewish network Shidduch Central, has become all the rave among orthodox TV watchers, much like the hot game show Magen David. Judaisms Next Top Maidel is an intense show that features 12 Jewish girls who are competing to become Judaisms most talked about single. The girls go through a series of competitions that requires them to look their best in black and without any makeup. They are rated by a panel of rabbis who wont look at them, to determine who will be the next top maidel.

There are some who object to this show, too much gossip is emanating from it. Last week we left off with 5 contestants, when Batsheva was eliminated she had this to say "(Sobbing with tears coming down her eyes) I... I... I tried my hardest (sob) and I just didn't make the cut, I guess next time I need to have more bitachon in hashem. Baruch Hashem at least now I'll be able to see my family again (sob)." This lead to many blogs and the Jew S Weekly to promote gossip about her, saying that Batsheva had went into a serious depression and was now outside the box for potential shidduch matches, this only enraged those who dslike the show.

The show still seems to be a big hit among many despite the objection by some. It just seems to have everything, drama, like when Sarah got into a big fight with Esther because they both wore the same shade of black, and of course it has the private interviews with people getting really emotional for no reason. All this adds up to the most watched show on Shidduch Central.

Judaism Next Top Maidel airs Wednsdays at 8:00 O'clock eastern time right after the eveniing news with YWN.

KLAP TILL YOU DROP

Slichos was one O'clock in the morning at you're local shul. You never liked slichos, "Why so late? why so early? why so hard to follow?" was what you were thinking. Well whether you liked it or not you made your way to the shul for the slichos.

You start out with ashrei, something you knew, and continue with many unfamiliar paragraphs of hebrew. The little slichos you were using could have easily been a breslov pamphlet, you really couldn't tell the difference, and you would have been day dreaming if it wasn't night. You were very tired and it seemed as if you would conk out, all of a (the) sudden you hit the ashamnu part (the part were you klap your chest). Right then and there you hit yourself, and you get that stroke of genius that has been plaguing you ever since I started writing you posts (you posts are posts where I put you as the main character, like this post).

You realize that the slichos are special, that they shouldn't be taken lightly; you take that literally and proceed to klap you chest as unlightly as possible. The massive whacks that your chest endured was incomprehensible, it was a sight to see, it was amazing you didn't break a rib. But you did feel a pain on your chest, it was a black and blue mark, and every time you hit it it got worse, but you didn't care you knew what that hashem could punish you worse if you didn't try to do teshuvah.

As your are whacking yourself into the book of life, you realize no one else has this much enthusiasm. You wonder "Maybe they have bigger black and blue marks? or maybe they don't have to hit as hard to get one?". You turn towards the person next to you and ask "Do you have a black and blue mark from klapping your chest?" the man says, "Actually, I don't want one". You couldn't believe what you just heard, "He doesn't want a black and blue mark? what does he think? his fist is something to be feared even more so than hashem". This irked you, so you decided that if he wont do it himself you'll have to do it for him.

You go over to him and forcefully klap his chest, he looks at you and then shoves you away, you scream back "Do you wanna live this year or not?!", he turns away from you. This doesn't deter you, you run over to him and take his hand and try to klap him while yelling at him, "I'm trying to help you, let me help!" while fighting with you he says, "you're a nut, get off, I don't need a black and blue mark so just leave me alone" you ask for him to prove you don't, he retaliates with walking away.

You decide that you are going to, from now on, uphold your newly found minhag, and soon make it a halacha so then you can kill someone if they don't listen because its okay to kill over a halachic debate.

You come home from slichos more religious then ever, you even tell yourself, "Everyone knows a holy war is the way to go, even the most extreme religious Muslims agree with you and Islam stems from Judaism, it must be the right Jewish thing". So this rosh hashanah if they don't make it into the book of life your way, you'll be sure they wont make it in any other way.

DO YOU 613?

Me: "...whats you email address"
Them: "blahblahblah613@yahoo.com"

Why is it that frummies always put in a 613, representing all the commandments, into their email address or IM account? I'm sure you know someone with a 613 at the end of their address. It could be the most random things stuck together with a 613, for example; doughnuts613@gmail.com or a name, Jack613@yahoo.com, or a personality, aidel613 (for an IM account), or even a JewsforJesus613@yahoo.com. I don't know why people pick 613 out of all the special numbers that there are, why not 7 for shabbos, or 8 for a bris, or 3 and 4 for the matriarchs and patriarchs, (yes, I got all the special numbers from the famous passover song).

Do they do it as a heter to be on the Internet? As long as they are reminded of the 613 mitzvos then they can be on the Internet all they want, and the Rabbonim will be so proud of them. Or is it for potential shidduchim? "Hey Chaim, scroll down a little, look a something@613, she has to be in your shidduch range".

Its gotten so far that you can find it in Jewish children's books, where a girl went off the "D" and now has a Gmail account with a 613 at the end (just goes to show you how off the "D" she really was), and then she gets some kiruv from her friends and everyone lives heimishly ever after.

I myself am thinking about changing my email address to mikeinmidwood613@yahoo.com, anyone else want to join?

KOLLEL-OPOLY

From the makers of the hit game Jewish Geography, comes the new game of Kollel-opoly. PB (Pollack Brothers) have come out with numerous games that represent the Jewish lifestyle, the game of life being one of them (includes the shidduch crisis and all). The Pollack Brothers were thought to have made a knock off of the original game monopoly, but they specifically said kollel-opoly had nothing to do with it.

How to play: There are up to 8 players, and 8 pieces; A black hat, a jacket, a no lace shoe, a white shirt, a yeshivishe car, one female (modestly dressed) and other such characters. Each player starts off at NU MOVE IT ALREADY (GO), where each player, as they go around the board, will collect their 200$ kollel paycheck for the month. Each player spins the dice, and whatever number it says on the dice, that's how many spaces you move. Don't worry, there is a mechitzah that lines the board to accommodate the one female player, so as to coincide with halachah.

Buying Yeshivos: To buy Yeshivos, for example: the highest priced yeshivah is Beis Medrash Gevoah or BMG (the equivalent to boardwalk) is priced at 400$. If you have a set of yeshivos in one area you can make the tuition higher for the yeshivos, just simply buy coffee rooms (houses), if you have bought 5 coffee rooms, you exchange it for a Dormitory (hotel), this increases the price of tuition in your yeshivos.

Kollel, Free parking, and go to kollel: Kollel (equivalent to Jail) you can make transactions through kollel (remember you have bluetooth and a blackberry). To get out of Kollel (chas v'shalom) you must pay a minimum fee of 50$ kinas, you may then leave next turn, you can stay in kollel up to three turns (you have to go home to your wife sometime, although not recommended). Free parking; lucky you, you don't live in Brooklyn, you cheap Jew always looking to find free parking. Go to Kollel; when you land on this space you must go directly to kollel and do not collect 200$ monthly kollel paycheck.

Children's tuition (equivalent to income tax): When you land on this space, you can either pay 200$ or you can pay 10% of your money to the yeshiva (of course you cant pay all the tuition, you're in kollel)

Wife Expenses (equivalent to luxury tax): When landing on this space you pay 75$ automatic to the bank.

Mazal and communities chest (that's right, take all the community funds for your kollel lifestyle): If you land on one of these spaces you pick up a card. Some may tell you "the community put pressure on you to learn and not work, go directly to kollel do not collect 200$ kollel paycheck" or "shvigger dies you inherit 100$" or "section 8 govt fund didn't come this month, pay for each yeshiva 100$ (remember yeshivos are in basements)" or "Rav gives you brachah you had children, pay 100$ hospital fee" or "tzedakah collector comes by and gives you sob story, pay 15$ (poor tax)".

Coffee works, Electric company, and Cities (equivalent to railroads): The cities are Kiryas yoel, Williamsburg, Lakewood and Bnei brak. The cities combine to make a big impact when together, same for coffee works ( to run your coffee rooms, obviously) and electric company (you aint paying the bill).

The object of the game is to live in a kollel lifestyle, and yet still manage to own the whole board. Have fun playing.

If you have any questions, any suggestions for a future game, or in need of more information visit us at PBJews.com

FINDING LIFE

I find this story truly amazing, about a Jamaican man who converted to Judaism, His name is Yoesf Robinson. At the beginning of his life he was like any other black Jamaican kid, he was raised by his grandmother until he was able to come to America, to live with his parents. Eventually life led him down the wrong path, and he got into drug dealing, and other such "businesses". At one point he was a hip hopper in Hollywood. Later he found Judaism, and converted. He is now an orthodox Jew living in Brooklyn. I found some videos about him, and how he grew up Here, Here, and Here.

I find his story to be very inspiring.

IS IT TRUE

Does anyone believe that story of the talking fish in new square? You know the one that happened quite a few years ago and everyone was going crazy about. I think too many parables about talking fish have gotten to their heads, dontcha think? If I am not mistaken the fish talked about Messiah (of course). I don't see how the story could have gotten that big, if I told that over to someone, they would think I'm joking or think I'm crazy. Well, do you believe this story or not, and would you eat this fish if you saw it talking?

ITS BEEN A WHILE

I cant remember what the last ban/chumrah that came out was. Was it the strawberries, or was it the bike lanes in Williamsburg? either way its been a while since the last one. The new one is a chumrah; any phone that isn't me'usher from va'ad harobanim, is now not obligated to be returned if lost, lest the owner use it to text his chavrusah.

I find this rather funny, unlike most people, who find it to be outrageous. I remember learning from Uncle Moishy, returning something that you found is a mitzvah. Now I am not someone to argue between the gadlus of Uncle Moishy and a rabbi from Israel, but I do know there is a mitzvah of Hashovos aveidah (returning something that's lost) written somewhere in the Torah, in fact there is a whole Chapter in Bava Metziah about when to return whats lost. I know that the Rabbi from Israel is only trying to teach us true Torah values, and I know Uncle Moishy is only trying to teach kids (and the parents who are forced to listen to it), but the fact remains there is a major machloiket going on here, and I dont think we can answer it yet.

Sadly, boys and girls, now its time to say shalom, Uncle Moishy and this rabbi are going home, but they will be back again, arguing what are the mitzvos of hashem. la la la la la la la la la la la la la la laaaah.....

PURIM COSTUMES

Throughout Jewish history people dressed up on Purim. Some costumes are normal work clothes some people have, others are made of clothes that are worn by specific people, then there are those food or drink costumes, and the I just threw what ever random article of clothe I had, with sunglasses.

Why do we wear costumes on Purim, and no its not to copy Halloween. Well at one point in time G-d hid himself from us as he made a hidden miracle for the Jews of Persia. So we commemorate to this by hiding ourselves, like g-d did. Okay so now you know.

Some famous work clothes costumes are; the soldier, doctor, nurse, hatzolah guy, policeman, fireman, cowboys, pirates and clowns. These are easy, and you can buy it anywhere. I always see some kids playing around as if they are real soldiers, and some threatening their friends that they will arrest them with their plastic handcuffs. the doctor one works real well with the healthy theme, or the hospital theme, the kids just need a white lab coat and a stethoscope.

Then there is the specifics. Dressing up as a president (Obama wont be hard), animals, fruits and vegetables, Elvis, Terrorists, the guy on the monopoly board (I did this once) and many more like this. Gorillas are the favorite animals people dress up as. Food is easy, I dressed up as a cherry once. Elvis is a famous one out there, just as much as any character in the Purim story. That reminds me; Esther is the fave among girls, vashti isn't, who wants to look ugly? Mordechai is made out to be a guy with a Black hat and a beard with a black jacket, he wore a turban and a robe! Haman is very distinct, a triangle hat and your done, but this year he is being taken over by Bernie Madoff. Achashveirosh the king of Persia, my brother loved dressing up as him. And of course there are the people who throw on anything with a pair of sunglasses.

I love to hear the stupid comments people make about costumes on Purim. Here are some; "You did a good job on your vashti costume" and then one wearing it says "I'm supposed to be Esther", or "I cant tell who is under that mask", or "I love your costume, what did you dress up as?" all of these can go with the cheesy greeting on the shaloch manot.

I actually like costumes people make themselves, their very creative. I always liked to make my own costumes. I was the monopoly guy once (my shaloch manot went with this as a theme), an Arab (I took an old shirt and one of those big red rubber bands and made a kafia), a crazy doctor (I used some sort of scissor shaped clamp as glasses, I clamped the thing to my nose, it had two holes to see through) and another time an outsourced worker for dell computers named Badu.

Listen, any costume can be great or bad, it depends on what you do with it. Heres to a well dresssed purim.

PURIM THEMES

What ever compelled people to have a theme for Purim? Purim is a time where themes were destroyed. V'nahapichu (vi-nuh-ha-pi-choo), meaning everything is turned upside down and all around; themes are the opposite of that, and no one cares, so lets move on.

Something you must know about a theme. It must have; objects relating to the theme (well duh!), shaloch manos in accordance to the theme, costumes have to be related, and cheesy greeting labels on the shaloch manos telling you who its from and some random thing about having a great Purim related to the theme (E.G. Your Purim theme is donuts, your greeting is "Do nuts on Purim" or "donut drink and drive on Purim if you had too much to know if you had too much"[this one is usually from the token hatzalah guy])

There is the clown theme. The clown theme is the most common theme for families; the father throws on a jester hat with bells, the kids all have the colorful hair and a big red nose, yellow polka dotted suits. The shaloch manos is not given out with some cheesy greeting (big exception), only a regular "Purim sameach from the somethingsteins" or "a freilichim Purim from the soandsomans". The shaloch manos is filled with anything that is remotely clownish, and there is no food that's remotely clownish, so they give a bottle of grape juice, animal crackers, chocolate and maybe a soda. The clown theme is not one of the best ones out there.

The Airplane theme. Better than the clown theme, the airplane theme has more variety and it practically writes itself. The kids can dress up as flight attendants or pilots. You know you are going to give airline food to everyone, with some complimentary peanuts. The cheesy greeting written can be "Hope you have sky high Purim feeling from the ........"

Then there is the I-just-knocked-off-a-famous-company-theme. Drunkin donuts, McDavid, Mendy's (wendys), Dairy Esther (dairy queen) etc.etc... these all are done in a stupid and yet clever way. The stupid, is the way they think of the names, and how the theme is just a non OUD kosher knock off of the real product. The clever, is how they present this too you; in a box or bag that is similar to the regular companies, but has there logo on it. The cheesy greetings have too many variables to write, but ill let you know something, they are all cheesy.

The Zionist theme: Cookies in a bag shaped like Israel with two big bites in them (resembling Gaza and west bank), with a note saying "Israel is like a cookie and everyone wants a bite out of it". Blue and white is the color used for the wrapping. The kids hold Israeli flags and have blue and white face paint. The greetings can have something like "may Israel triumph over its enemies as in the past" that's if they are really Zionist, or "With enough wine on Purim America can look like Israel too".

The recession theme: Has a bottle of wine stating "drown it out with this" and and some red hots with a label saying "Burn Bernie (Madoff) burn". The greeting goes like this "Madoff is the new haman". (I cant believe I even thought of this as a theme, its horrible).

The healthy food theme: Not much to explain, everyone dresses like vegetables, and no one wants their shaloch manot.

The color themes: The color theme is lame, even more so then the clown, but not as much as the healthy food one. My family did it 2 years in a row ( different colors). One year we did red and orange, everyone thought it was supposed to be fire, and the other year it was yellow, I was not to fond either one. The greeting can go like, depending on your color, "orange you glad its Purim" or "don't turn green this Purim" or "Esther was green shaded".

Then there is the I-Don't-have-a-theme-theme. Everyone dresses up as whatever they want, You give any normal wafers and grape juice out there. You write a poem or "chag sameach from us" and you're done.

Of course there are more themes out there, hospital, kitchen, just to mention a few, but you got the basic idea of themes. Personally I think themes stupid, I am more for the traditional give and get, not the I thought of something decent and, of course, cheesy. Hope this post has helped you think of a theme, or gave you ideas. P.S. The Zionist one was my idea, cookie and all, I wanted to use it this year, but you can use if you want.

HOW DO YOU SAY AMEN?

Many people differ on how they pronounce Amen. Some people it comes from the background that they come from. Others it depends on their personality. There is the uh-mane, ooh- mine, ah-men, and even the christian Ay-men. Now its time to dissect this concept.

The slow Uh-mane: Common among the yeshivish crowds; the slow uh-mane is a stretch on the original amen. It usually comes as a lazy, real slow, no reason for it, uh-mane. This type of uh-mane is the one that can bore you to death. It seems as if its an attempt to slow down the chazan or kaddish reader, the slow Uh-mane type hate fast readers.

The quick uh-mane: A rare trait among some people is the quick uh-mane. This is for someone who doesn't get the reason for stretching an amen out for over a minute, and they say it real quick compared to the slow uh-mane. Side affects include mistaking baruch hu with a fast uh-mane.

The Yom tov musaf uuuuh-maaaane: This type of amen is a specifically long amen with sort of tune to it.

The Ooh- (its) mine: Found mainly among the chassidish sects, the ooh-mine is simply a misconstrued form of an amen. When ever I hear an ooh-mine, I realize that when I will be in middle of shemona esray, I will be pushed around by all chassidim, young and old, who don't have any manners at all. This ooh-mine is usually said in the tone similar to that of a cry for something (ooh its mine).

The silent amen: The silent amen is even simpler than the just moving lips way of saying amen. There is no need to worry on how to pronounce it, you simply don't say it; whether it be because you were talking, or out of sheer laziness.

The loud amen: This is said by a specific sect of hassidim know as stollen. They don't just say it, they scream it all together. If you are really frum and don't know what a heavy metal concert sounds like, no need to worry this is the heimish equivalent. I just wonder how embarrassing it would be if you were screaming and said something wrong by mistake.

The Ah-men: Found among the Sephardi sect of Judaism, the ah-men is said in many weird accents ranging from, through the nose to from the throat.

The Ay-man: The Ay-man is not a call for your friend, rather yo is the term preferably used to call your friend. The Ay-man is used in the christian society, usually in a black church after every few words the priest says (E.G. "The Lord Giveth" the cong. then says "Ay-Man" loud in unison). But even the christians say it different too, the white folk say a quiet ay-men.

I can only say this; the Ay-man is a complete knock off of our amen, but who can blame them when we don't say it normally either (uh-mane, ah-men,ooh-mine).

WHAT TYPE OF JEW AM I?

All my life I haven't really known what I was; I always knew I was Jewish, but what type of Jew was I? Ashkenazi or sfardi? that one I answered; I am an ashkenazi and sphardi, I observe both minhagim somehow.

But what type of Jew am I? At the young age of five years old, I came to the realization that my family wasn't like all the other frum families the Morahs spoke about. When I was at some other young age I had a friend, this friend was a real frummie. One day he asked me am I frum, I did not know what frum meant, (I thought it meant that you are a mean/bad person) so I told him no, then I asked what it meant. Shortly after I started seeing less and less of him, till the point that I never did. I knew I was not like his family, and I learnt I am frum, but what type? After many years I decided to take the test and here are my results (I barely passed, nothing over 66%).

Left Wing Modern Orthodox:27% Right Wing Modern Orthodox:63%

Left Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:66% Right Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:41%

The Orthodoxy Test says that I'm Huh?

What does it mean? I give up. What are you?





And the search continues, but I will always be Jewish

MY ANNOYING NEIGHBORS

I live in an apartment building sort of. Its just a few 3 bedroom apartments stacked on each other with a basement. I live on the ground floor level. The basement is our only problem, we get noisy at times, hey I got 3 brothers. Even with that, there was only complaint once throughout all the years. The people living under us changed many times; first I remember an old Polish guy who smoked, then some other dude from eastern Europe, the Polish guy again, and then a Russian couple in their fifties with another guy, also Russian who would shovel the snow for us. Then comes my current neighbors living in the basement, they are Muslim.

Throughout the years, all the ones living in the basement never had any problems with us. With the new ones we have problems, I can hear them now, screaming. At first I thought we were too noisy, but I noticed I couldn't even run (running makes noise) to get the phone without them pulling out the broom to bang on our floor their ceiling, so I guess its not our fault. Okay so we might be a little too loud for their sensitive ears, fine I'll try to be quieter.

Turns out they don't have sensitive ears at all, in fact they are practically deaf. They blast their Arab radio, playing Arab music, and its not even good! I always thought Arab music was held to a higher standard, but I never really heard it, turns out I am wrong. So we do what they do, bang on our floor which is their ceiling, doesn't work. When they do it, it works, talk about proportionate response (they are muslim I am Jewish = Gaza and Israel). Oy! and when they scream at each other in Arabic, it just is so annoying, thankfully they stop for the night. Have you ever heard people scream in Arabic, its quite loud (not quiet loud, its read kwite lowd).

These are my annoying neighbors, are they terrorists trying to ( A spider just walked by me now, I killed it, I'm heartless. That was weird) terrorize my life with their horrible music, or are they really plotting something when they scream at each other. It doesn't matter, either way I am going to come down and kill them (like that spider I killed, I feel powerful). I am over reacting, I'll just have to keep it proportional.

LISTEN TO THE KABBALIST

A famous kabbalist in Bnei brak said that "Israel should not halt its mission to destroy Hamas, otherwise Israel faces great danger". I agree, Israel should not stop, no matter what pressure is put on them. He also said that " Israel must send in troops to destroy the underground tunnels, which can not be hit from the air". Another important statement he said was "everyone should fight", that means the actual army should fight, and the guys in beis medrash should learn on their behalf.

Like I said, I agree with what he is saying, I just wonder why he is saying this now? The attacks came 6 months ago, and the air strikes started on shabbos, why does he begin to speak up now? I just think that he, like everyone else, knows that Hamas is a threat, and should be destroyed. Just now that they have missiles that can reach Bnei Brak, he wants to have them destroyed.

Or it could be he knows something through his kabbalic powers, so he is just giving us a heads up. You choose the answer.

GO GREEN WITH CHANUKAH

We all know the Neis of Chanukah. That one little pitcher of oil, that could only last one day, lasted 8. The weak triumphed over the great. As a result of all this, we light the Menorah 8 days, adding one each day. (as if you needed to know all this, its just an introduction).

Global warming is upon us, and we are letting out more CO2 emissions than ever. Its time to Go Green With Chanukah. The whole miracle of Chanukah was about conserving energy. G-d was going green, making one little jar of oil last eight days. Even though there are many ways of proving how it lasted eight days, the point is it was conserved.

This Chanukah, tell your children about ways to conserve energy, in the memory of this great miracle. Instead of lighting 36 cups of oil or candles; get an electric menorah, and turn it on with florescent light bulbs. Like all the Jew friendly banks do. If you do not own an electric menorah, please only use one candle all eight nights. It may not be a big difference for just one person, but if everyone does it, imagine how much CO2 won't be polluting our air. Remember, would G-d light all eight nights, with all that oil. He seemed to have used only enough for one night.

We know, we Jews use an extreme amount of oil, especially in our food. Do us a favor, don't have bubby use all that oil for a latke. We are only supporting the middle eastern countries, through using their oil; and we know how much the Jews love to give a helping hand to Iran, and Saudia Arabia. Yes we know you use olive oil, but its all oil.

Don't commit any of those environmental sins. As a great Rabbi of the Reform temple, named Sally Hershberg, said " The 11Th commandment from G-d was, keep the planet clean". So this time, find an "alternative way" to celebrate Chanukah.

Instead of singing Mah Os Tzor, sing a song that will instill, into the minds of the children, to save the environment. A song like this will do, to the tune of "oh Chanukah"

Oh Chanukah Oh Chanukah come turn on (light switch) that menorah.
With no CO2 emissions, now that's keeping the Torah. (11Th commandment)
Gather round the table Ill tell you a story
Where we all listen to Ex vice president Al Gory

And while the candles are not on very bright (its an electric menorah and on dim)
One on each night to conserve all the light (keeping Halacha here)
to remind us of the days long ago (the miracle of 1 for eight days)

One on each night with a florescent light (more energy efficient ways)
to remind us of the days long agoooo.

To all, have a happy and Green Chanukah.

WHY BE AN ATHEIST

In the end, you will see why its mathematically stupid to be an atheist.

Step one: You cannot prove G-d doesn't exist. If you try to question why G-d did something, or why he created something. You can always say "G-d put it there as a test to see if you believe". Therefore you can not prove G-d does not exist. Also G-d is not physical so you cant prove that he doesn't exist with something physical. This also works the other way making it fifty fifty. So there is 50% chance that if you are an atheist you are wrong.

Step two: We all know that G-d spoke to the Jews at mount Sinai. All other religions they had one guy who heard G-d. No religion disputes that G-d spoke to the Jews. There were about 3,000,000 people at Mount Sinai when G-d spoke to them. So the only way for for you to prove that this didn't happen is for you to say that A) it was big hoax. Which is highly unlikely for 3,000,000 people with the rest of the world agreeing, to make a big hoax. B) It was Aliens making the big show at mount Sinai. Aliens were never proven to exist. Or C) time travelers went back and with loud speakers and special effects to make the big hoax. Going back in time was never a theory, it was only to go into the future, and time traveling never happened cant prove it exists. This brings us, with some kindness on the atheists part, to about 85% that G-d exists, and 15% G-d doesn't.

Step three: All the Miracles G-d did for the Jews are believed by all. Once again, the only way to disprove this is with the three answers before, which are highly unlikely. Pushing this, once again with kindness on the atheists part, to 92% G-d exists and 8% G-d doesn't. Now going with 8% is a big risk to take. You are going to burn for this, according to all religions. Does it make sense to go with an 8% chance you are wrong? obviously not.

This was invented by a 16Th century mathematician if I am not mistaken.