THE EVENT

That's right, I finally got around to writing about THE EVENT. So once again the famed Lipa Shmeltzer is going at it again, with his new event, "The Event". I have just a few questions. The Event sounds a little weird, don't ya think. I understand Big Event, its just one of the big events going on in the world. But The Event? that seems very in your face, as in the only event worth going to all year, is the super bowl not an event enough to be THE EVENT?

I would buy tickets to go, but I am afraid I wont get my moneys worth. Let me explain. Whats stopping it from being banned like the BIG EVENT? Is there anything different than the last one? Its in the same place, and almost on the same date. The rabbanim (or frum Mafia) will somehow put a stop to it, and then I will lose my money. Or does the fact that he named his last album Poshiter Yid make him all humble, and then his event wont be canceled.

No one really knows why his big event last year was canceled. It was in the paper for the next few weeks on why the rabbanim banned him. Something about fake signatures, or not knowing at all about what they were signing, and there was supposed to be a meeting to discuss it, which never ended up happening, and it was banned anyway. Some say the secret Frum Mafia got behind it, and put a stop to him for an unknown reason (did he not want to give them a 25% cut?). Who's to say it wont happen again; therefore, I am not going to buy a ticket to his concert.

What ever the case maybe, I think that Lipa made the wrong choice about making another EVENT. I also think that he made a bad choice with the name he picked for it, but Lipa is Lipa and it somehow all works out the Lipa way.

IF THEY HAD A BLOG...

Chava (wife of Adam) being the first mother of all would have a blog named My take on motherhood. No explanation needed. She did sort of fail, her child was killed.

If Noach would have had a blog, it would be named, The Babysitter Writes. You know how many little, wild, things he had to take care of, and feed; while G-d was out (literally) hitting the town.

Abraham would have named his, Not just typical. He really wasnt the typical person, running around defying all that was known.

The guys who built the Migdal Bavel would be, Insanity Now, Serenity Later. Only insane people would build a huge building to fight g-d, or hold up the sky, too bad the serenity never came.

Lot the nephew of Abraham, would be a Frum Punk. Hes frum, but just following, like a punk.

Sarah would not be a Material Maidel. Really, following a guy who said g-d spoke to him, and is going to make him rich. No way she was expecting a material life.

Yitzchak would surely be Something of Zion. Hey, have you ever been so attached to Israel, you wouldnt leave it, even if there was a famine, or to look for your spouse?

Yaakov is obvious. He would be Jacob Da Jew. He might even manage two blogs; one I mentioned before, and the second, being since he was so honest, Honestly Frum.

Eisav (Esau) surely would have made one named Guess who coming "late" to dinner? Himself. after Jacob, stole all the Berachos, through giving his father a meal.

Rachels is Frum Single Female; waiting for that Jacob. (Im pushing it, I know)

Yosef has got to have one Frum In South Egypt. I think It was south egypt he ruled over at the time.

Benyamin, his brother, would have been Wolfish Musings. Benyamins sign is a wolf.

All 600,000 jews in the dessert shared one blog Frum House in the dessert. They were all in one cloud. They all shared it till, Korach and his gang bacame the Frum Skeptics. They were skeptical of Moshe taking the leadership role and Aaron becoming the Big Kahuna.

Ezra Hasofer would be Torat Ezra.

Queen Esther had one to show her Jewish Side, named, Esther Hadassah's blog.

To all those I couldnt fit in, dont feel sad. I couldnt fit mine in either. Ill link you guys anyway. Frum College girl (see why I cant fit it in), Frum satire (if you consider Koheleth as satire fine), Welcome Balance, Res Ipsa Loquitor, Sporadic Intelligence.

Hope you all enjoyed (cant say this out loud) Havel Haveilim.

WHAT YOU DIDNT SEE COMING.

You walk in to this shul. Its the one you mainly go to for a shabbos morning. You like it their since you know most of the people. Its a great place to chop a schmooze on either politics or baseball since the Rabbi cant really tell who is talking.

As you walk in you think to yourself this shul is great everyone gets along so well and the davening is smooth, maybe a little long. You sit down in your normal seat near your normal friends (at least you think their normal although you have had a bad taste in friends all your life). Of course you didn't make it on time, right when they started P'sukei Dzimrah, you came a good thirty minutes late and they were about to say Baruchu (pronounced Buh-ruch-oo).

After you settle down and Chazaras Hashatz (your main talking period besides for leining) has passed you say to yourself (out loud) I love this shul. You are wondering if the Rabbi will speak for a long time before K'riyas Hatorah (if you don't understand any of these terms please comment about it and I will translate). In the end the rabbi did speak for a long time and you used up all your bathroom breaks too early. Now you are thinking I should have took a nap like that guy over there (who cares if you snore).

It finally came the time to recite the holy torah portion of that week. You were hoping that you get invited to the kiddush club well sorry Mr. I have no good stories to tell. You tell yourself its okay there is a kiddush later. About this point in time the rabbi stops the leining for everyone to quiet down this makes you a little angry that the rabbi has the Chutzpah to tell you to be quiet. The next big thing to happen is there is a guy who gets an Aliyah to the holy torah and the one who calls him up, you know the guy who says Yamod So-and-so ben Whom ever Shvi'ee, forgets this guys first name.

This guy is no person to forget their first hebrew name. So now he gets offended and says how could you forget my name I have come to this shul for 2 whole years. So the gabbai who called him up says "Hey" in a whispered sort of tone "there are many people that come to this shul how can I remember all of their first Hebrew names". Well this guy ain't done and he makes a whole big commotion about remembering his name. Then comes two or more people defending the gabbai. And before you knew it the whole shul is one huge fight.

You decide to get in on the action and you say "You forgot my name when I was called up two weeks ago. Another guy says "yeh he forgot mine and I don't care you shouldn't either". Then the old men in the back get into it. The Rabbi just wants order and to finish up the davening but no one cares now. You are ready to throw your fist in someones face. Somehow a rather young guy (who seems to at the head of the gabbais campaign) is arguing with one of the oldies in the back. One of the Oldie's friends gets up and screams "You Nazi. He Vas in Da Var (war).

In some odd way davening ended. you are cursing out this once Beloved shul and all those who you opposed today. You say to yourself that shul never got along and everyone hated each other. How could you go to a shul like that. You then decide not to go to the kiddush which was sponsored by someone who was on the other side. You vow in anger never to go to a shul which cant remember your name. Also you are going to quit being a member of that shul.

In most shuls this doesn't happen (we can only hope) and will kiddush come next which you are waiting for so for kiddush read this.

JEWISH GEOGRAPHY OUR NATIONAL PASTIME

If any of you have ever come across the fast paced sport of Jewish geography, you know good and well that there are many different occurences that happen to you for good and bad. After your done reading this you should be able to aqcuire an extreme talent for this sport and maybe become the all time champ.(I think it was like 100 names is the record for most people known in a row and that person played verse two people) The first step is asking the guy next to you on the plane/city bus/behind the counter where they live. Alot of times I feel the guy is lying to me because then why does he work here? or why are you flying from JFK if you live in Baltimore? Then what part of (insert community here) do they come from or what yeshivah do you go to? This by far is the most common start to any conversation, you should be able to say some sort of code or number and the person your talking to could instantly know youre asking the where do you live and learn question.

example 1) You ask the person next to you if they know Shmerel. They dont. Then you say "well I thought you might know him since" and then you tell them something about Shmerel. This is because you feel weird that you asked about someone and they dont know them, why its like this I have no clue but yet it always happens. You wait patiently for them to say something back and if you dont know who they are talking about too get ready for a very boring flight or awkward wait on line.

example 2)You say to the guy next to you "do you know Shmerel?" and for some odd reason they do. They even take it further and tell you how much they hate him. You get taken aback because you know he isnt like that in any sort of way. In the end you get into one big frummy fight, with you and him thinking the other one is a shakren gamur, but the good part is you now have a story to tell all your friends or another person youre playing with about how you met someone who knows this guy, and you get extra points for this type of story.

example 3)You ask the guy next to you and say do you know Shmerel? They say yes and you get into this whole conversatoin about his whole life and you could write this persons biography from this conversation. You talk about how you met him in the Catskills and he lives in Borough Park, has a cousin in monsey that just moved or went to visit Israel (I dont know about you but this ends up happening to me where someone goes to Israel)or is getting married/Bar mitzvah.

I have alot of fun talking to people about who they know like I was in Israel once and we decided to go to the park. I was feeding my little cousin some sort of mush and the lady next to me asks me if I come from Brooklyn. (She probably asked me since I was speaking English) then she says "do you know my brother in law" and I did. It always leaves you wondering how did we happen to have been next to each other at the same time and know the same person or its such a small world we live in.

Another great way is and my friend does this all the time is to ask the person whats there name. They say some random name like Friedman and you ask him/her if they're related to Yankel Friedman in Borough Park even though you have no clue who this guy is. Many times you get an answer like which one there is a thousand of them or "yeh how do you know him" and you tell them the truth and end up finding about more people. The more people you know the better you are at this game.

One of the best ways to past the time no wonder its such a great fad among us. Do guyim play? I think yes but not as much as us because they got other things to talk about like the elections. But us as Jews we couldnt care less about who wins the elections as long as they're good to Israel.

Hopefully this has helped you understand the paths in which the game can take maybe one day it will help you in life.

This game is a product of PB (Polak Brothers) and is not to be used in any sort of demeaning way. Watch out for MES (Memoery Enhancing Steroids) if seen please report for further investigation. Side affects include being a macher. You can buy the home game, Guess Jew? (Guess who?) For more information visit PBJews.com