Monday, June 2, 2008


You have been waiting for this about 2 hours. It may even be the reason you came to shul. Now they are at the end of davening just finishing up Aleinu, oh wait! They need to say Anim Zemiros and this shul also says tehillim for the lost soldiers in Israel. (really in Gaza slash Iran slash Syria, yes my slash button works). You just cant stand it any longer and the guys from the kiddush club are long gone. (too bad you weren't invited). Finally you are done and you and the wave of people are now rushing into the kiddush room. You take a smell of whats there and quickly eye all the tables searching for what you want. You have spotted it and rush to a table dodging people on the way you have seen your prey like an eagle finding its lunch swooping in on that worm. You reach for some kugel and you see another hand coming into the scene.

Now you have to stop and think, do I be nice and let them go first or say "wait your turn there is enough for everyone" (which is not true). While you were just thinking the other person got it first and now you are being swept into the tide of people. Time is ticking, you struggle to get back to whats rightfully yours if only you learnt how to swim through crowds. All of a (the) sudden you prayers you said all day before getting into this mess are answered. You would jump for joy but would risk losing your goal so you don't. The current you have been fighting has subsided. You take a look at the tray where there once was something but it is now desolate. You are angry at yourself why did I think, never think before you act is your new motto. You could (and probably would) kick yourself but you are not that stupid. Now you sulk and begin to think you're prayers were in vain and you grab a paper plate and stick on some sponge cake. You solemnly wait for the Rabbi to make kiddush and maybe have some Pepsi/coke/sprite/or any other fizzy drink like seltzer. You say to yourself "don't worry you'll gettem next week you'll get em"

There are two types of kiddushes. One is a buffet style and is based on survival of the fittest. Being that we are Jews and don't believe in that, there is another style kiddush. You grab a seat and wait for the food to come to you and it is in the same room you davened in that you eat. (your actually sitting down in this one). In this type of kiddush you should sit in a strategic place to get what you want. This is done by sitting next to someone who can get things to your table the fastest, because he knows the guy who is bringing things out. Or you sit near the door and always get first.

Now here is where you need to think can I be nice or do I be mean. You did not sit in a strategic seat and therefore you have a scarce amount of Chulent. There is a few scoops left in the Bowl. If you are nice and hand it down to the person two seats away which doesn't seem so bad. If you are mean, the person will think you cant wait a few seconds and probably make a whole big fuss. (you might think I am joking but it happens all the time). Anyway you put it you are most likely doomed. So you rather be nice and take a chance. It has now passed from your possession onto others. OTHERS?, Wait!!! Oh no you only wanted to give it to one person now it became a few. You would have protested saying "I was next" but since it happened to quickly for you to realize and you sort of expected this you get nothing.(Don't worry I feel for you). Now you have to wait for more to come.(if there is any more left).

A kiddush is a harsh environment no matter what type. With life changing decisions behind every piece of kugel or chulent bowl, you never know what to do. So instead skip kiddush ( I am now considered an apikoris) and head straight to the meal. Why be saddened by the horrors of kiddush (unless to you its fun because you get everything) Its better without it and therefor "I hereby ban all kiddushes from any religious Shul".(so now I am not an apikoris I am machmir)

6 people gave their 2 cents:

Mikeinmidwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jacob Da Jew said...

post reminds me of frum satire, not bad

Mikeinmidwood said...

Thanks, hope you enjoyed

Batya said...

We don't usually have much worth fighting for. Last Shabbat there was a great pesto for the crackers. OK, two types of herring, but no kugel.
I put in a formal complaint that they set up three tables for men and boys and only one for women and girls.

Mikeinmidwood said...


depends where you go to if you get kugel. I do love herring so I would not mind your shul.
It isnt right that people dont think the women need room or to have enough food but maybe there where less women? Most probably not.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

What's with the kiddush clubs? do all shuls really have it? I never heard of it till I started reading blogs.

Don't these people have chullent at home too? its not like the shul is supposed to feed you. If there's not enough, then you have at home.

They bring out the food before the Rav makes kiddush?

I can relate to it getting passed to others, when you meant to give it to one person. That always happens.

I wouldn't ban kiddushes though. At least in the woman section everything works out good. The parents give their children to eat first and don't take any for themselves, cause they say they made food at home, they tell their husbands not to eat a lot cause they want them to eat their own food, but I guess the men can't help it.