Kosher Innovations That Didnt Make It

Over the years KI has made inventions that have astounded the Jewish world. The most famous being the kosher lamp and toilet paper. Some less famous ones include the mitzvah muzzle and lashon hara gag. But there were some ideas that were rejected or just never caught on.

Tznius leg warmers were one of the items that never made it. Being that regular leg warmers resemble pants they decided to make it a one piece that wrapped around both legs instead of two separate ones for two separate feet. It never caught on due to the inability to walk in them.

Purple Ketchup. Who remembers purple ketchup? Yes the KI institution of frumology came up with this one. We know that red is an immodest color. If you like being bleached then hop on over to meah she'arim wearing red, they will be more than happy to shower you in bleach. So instead of the usual immodest ketchup they turned it purple. The purple Ketchup hit its climax when it made its way into McDonald's happy meals. That's when Kosher Innovations decided their product is to kosher to make it to a non-kosher place, and they pulled it from the shelves never to be seen again.

The Umbrella Hat. The hat that could be used for davening and acts as an umbrella when you cant carry one on shabbos. This too never caught on for various reasons that included it looking ridiculous.

The Talis Kattan Bag. "We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item over night. Available with name tags (this is from last years post)". Well as much as they thought it would catch on like the talis bag, it didn't and they aborted this one too.

There are probably many more of inventions like these that I don't know of. They feel rejected and hurt because no one wants them. I'm just voicing them to others out there, because maybe they too will one day become like their role model inventions such as the Kosher Phone, Kosher lamp, Tefillin sweater and others.

Studies on YWN and VIN commenters

VIN and YWN have been the source of ridicule amongst the Jewish websites. It seems that if anyone is poking fun of any site its usually one of these two. It has come into question as to why people cant help but laugh at whats written in their comment sections, and post them up on blogs and Facebook profiles.

A recent study done by the National Committee for Spotting Stupidity (NCSS) came to prove the theory that the commentators on YWN and VIN are completely blind sighted when it comes to reading the news. Their lack of respect for fellow commentators has been shocking, at any given point in a day there is hate, and coffee, being spilled in their coffee rooms. Many have come to call other commentators such terms as, Shygetz, Anti-semite, Goy, Nazi, Mashiach stopper, and Shygetze mashiach stopping goy, and many more such terms. But the hate is not the only thing bringing people from all walks of Judaism to laugh at these sites, The NCSS has taken a poll that has shown that the average VIN commenter has a stupidity rating of 67% that is light years above the stupidity of the national commenting average which stands at 38%. But what is even more shocking about the NCSS's study is that the average YWN commenter is 12 points ahead in stupidity compared to a VIN commenter, YWN stands at a whopping 79% in stupidity, an earth shattering point.

After hearing these latest announcements from the NCSS a YWN commenter had this to say "What can we do? we Frum Jews are removed from society, its the non frum Jews who should have better morals" and when asked what happened to being a light onto nations he responded with "Its all because we done have a strict enough tznius level, if only we were to wear cardboard boxes we would be passed this nisayon, hashem yirachem. I better give two dollars to kupat ha'ir so this halachah can be passed and our yeshua can come".

With the mystery out of the way we can only look to the future to tell us if they will be stupid and keep to what they are doing, or they will find a more civilized and less foolish way to comment, being that they have such high stupidity rate their chances look bleak.

THIS IS DIFFERENT

This ad is ludicrous, its advertising a pretend tatty kit with talis and tefillin. Who...... what..... why....... how come..... I'm at a loss of words here. Ill just explain what they're trying to do and you can comment (hint hint) on how you feel about this. Basically its selling you 40 bucks worth of fake talis and tefillin so your child can play pretend tatty, includes embroidered talis and tefillin bag and tefillin boxes. I think its a nice way to scam people of their money because Ive never seen any boy playing house, girls yes boys no, so why would they want to play pretend tatty, does it include pretend tatty hat and jacket? I surely don't like this idea but tell me otherwise if you think so.

ON PATROL

Today me and my friend took a stroll through boro(ugh) park. We were schmoozing it up, having tons of fun, laughing at chassidish women with 10 children following behind them and over stuffed strollers. Watching chassidim hitch rides across boro(ugh) park. Guessing how many hatzoloh and shomrim members we can identify. Then we looked for a new game, one that was fun an easy to play. We made up a new game called "name the chossid". Basically, whenever you see a chassid, you have to correctly call them "Tuna beigel" or "Yoeli", then you can argue whether they fit the category of tuna beigel or yoeli. Its very easy to identify a TB, if they have a cigarette, or they aren't wearing any black clothing, or they have a ring of useless keys with 400 keys or so, or they came out of a Cadillac Escalade or Chevy Tahoe or even a Lexus. Some where in between both categories and hard to tell what side they leaned towards.

I had a lot of fun and would do it again, it beats any day watching baseball.

DANCING MOVES

You re at a wedding, or some other festive simchah, and you all get up to do the walk-around-in-a-circle-with-hands-together-and-stomping-your-feet-dance. There are always times when the person you are next to is; going too fast for you, is trying to go fast and ends up being wild, or the person put their hands out in a hard way to grab and it make your wrists hurt, so the best idea ever is to put you hands on their shoulders (if they are in front of you), your wrists cant get hurt.
The put your hand on their shoulder move can always work, you can even do the yawn trick and put the hands over the shoulder if you feel weird doing it normally. Its fool proof. What I really like about the shoulder move, is that it comes in handy when a guy has really sweaty hands, say goodbye to slimy and smelly hands thanks to the new move.

My favorite move for if someone is holding my hand from the back like an idiot is, to just let go and keep my hand free, it also protects from sweat and smell.

What are your favorite dancing moves?

P.S. The jumping up and down parts are a real help when your hand is on another guys shoulder, push yourself up from him to get a higher jump.

DO YOU 613?

Me: "...whats you email address"
Them: "blahblahblah613@yahoo.com"

Why is it that frummies always put in a 613, representing all the commandments, into their email address or IM account? I'm sure you know someone with a 613 at the end of their address. It could be the most random things stuck together with a 613, for example; doughnuts613@gmail.com or a name, Jack613@yahoo.com, or a personality, aidel613 (for an IM account), or even a JewsforJesus613@yahoo.com. I don't know why people pick 613 out of all the special numbers that there are, why not 7 for shabbos, or 8 for a bris, or 3 and 4 for the matriarchs and patriarchs, (yes, I got all the special numbers from the famous passover song).

Do they do it as a heter to be on the Internet? As long as they are reminded of the 613 mitzvos then they can be on the Internet all they want, and the Rabbonim will be so proud of them. Or is it for potential shidduchim? "Hey Chaim, scroll down a little, look a something@613, she has to be in your shidduch range".

Its gotten so far that you can find it in Jewish children's books, where a girl went off the "D" and now has a Gmail account with a 613 at the end (just goes to show you how off the "D" she really was), and then she gets some kiruv from her friends and everyone lives heimishly ever after.

I myself am thinking about changing my email address to mikeinmidwood613@yahoo.com, anyone else want to join?

POP GOES THE FRUMMIE

Is it just me, or did most frum girls decide to place a bump in their hair? I don't get it why would someone want to place a bump in their hair? I can see wanting to make your hair long, curly, straight, short, tie it up in a knot, use a clip, shave your head bald, but a bump is just weird. Besides the fact that it doesn't look good to begin with, what made frum girls decide to bump up their hair. Is there a ban on hair longer than 2 feet and they just bunch it up instead? or (chas v'shalom) its a real style? Can someone please explain.

ECONOMY OR OBAMA

We all have remember paying 4$ a gallon for gas, unless you have Alzheimer's, that was last year. This year the prices dropped to 1.79, which I thought was amazing, our lowest prices in 7 years. Then it started going up around January, and since then has jumped 70 cents. Are we on our way up again? maybe even passed the 4 dollar mark? I hope not.

What is the reason for the price going up recently, well before that, we really need to know why it went down in the first place. Bush was still president, and he threatened to find an alternative energy, so all the oil companies had to lower their prices so we wouldn't mind buying oil (the week after Bush's speech, the prices started being lowered). Another reason may have to do with our economy; when the economy went down, the price for gas did too.

So why is it going up? Is it that Obama doesn't even mention anything about trying to find a new source of energy, or is it a sign our economy is on its way up? And in the comments please don't give me a "Obama is trying to help the Arabs, through buying overpriced barrels of oil".

DO YOU HAVE SHEMA OCD?

There I was in a shul, ma'ariv had approached and we had started shema. I said it as any normal person would say it. The guy a few seats next to me was a different story; he was going at the shema for approximately 10 minutes, as the books title, he was praying with fire. I was in middle of ending my shemonah esray, when this guy finished his shema. I didn't need to be a doctor to diagnose this guy, he has Shema OCD. He didn't just need to say every word once, but 7 or 8 times. I don't understand why one would have such a behavior? Does this guy know some sort of kabbalistic segulah, or something, that says to repeat every word of shema till you've had enough? Do you have any clue what it is, or is it just the symptoms of Shema OCD? I know I have been going on and on about OCD and Jews, but maybe its really true.

THE CUSTODIAN

Every Yeshiva has one of these guys, okay a few of them. They do back breaking labor and get paid worse than the rebbeim, which, by the way, is almost nothing. The kids in the Yeshiva cant really relate to them, because the rebbeim are constantly saying, "If you don't learn you'll end up like the shvartza janitors here", or, "So lets say shmerel had a cow, then Steve the guyishe janitor stole it.....", so the kids think of them as low lives. Some of them may be on crack all day long, but others just really cant get a better job. Every Yeshiva runs on these guys, and they are neglected.

In a Public school, life is probably better. The kids can relate to them. They can play their music, unlike in a yeshiva which forbids all outside music (for the record lipa is outside). No teachers are degrading them. They are treated like humans who have a life, rather than something who is just needed to mop the floors.

The children speak to them normally, not like in many yeshvos where the kids speak to them as if they are retarded, for example: Custodian: "Are you done here?" Yeshiva Kid: "Now no. We done here in few minutes, okay". A normal public school kid would have said "in five minutes".

Being a yeshiva custodian is one of the worst jobs ever, I wouldn't be surprised if in the news you hear a story of a janitor massacring a bunch in a yeshiva .

YOU-TOPIA

Many times people come up with philosophies of what they think the world should be like. They use all their methods of persuasion just to get people to agree with them, if they go really far they try implementing their ideas into society. Some people want equalness to its fullest, with people not judging one another based on how they look, but whats on the inside, and there will be no crimes committed, and everyone will be understanding of one another. Others want a world where the stupid are enslaved, or another race is enslaved (that's called racism). Religious people want a world where everyone serves G-d, for the sake of g-d, and for some the opposite (not believing in g-d).

People are just trying to change the world to be, what they consider, a perfect place in their minds (for example: Karl Marx). Now its great that you want a perfect world, but think, will you be able to live in your utopia? You have problems; you get angry, you're not always understanding, you don't always judge people favorably, you're stupid at times, you're not always religious at times, you might push someone out of the way just because you want to, because of this you wont even be able to live in your perfect society you dreamed of. Having a utopia is impossible if you live in it (and everyone else is perfect), you do one thing wrong and you're teaching others to act the same way, thereby disrupting the utopia.

A utopia can never be succeeded, because for a world to exist it needs flexibility and some breaking of the rules, due to us and are not so consistent lifestyles.

KADDISH RACES

Have you ever been in shul, and heard the kaddish after aleinu (some places before aleinu)? Have you ever heard women saying kaddish (I did)? These are just quetions, heres the post on kaddish.

Some places you have only one guy who is saying kaddish, very easy to follow the guy. Only problems that might occur are; him going really really slowly, which is always annoying because you want to get out of there quickly.

Then there are a few people saying kaddish, most of the time its synchronized, and they do it well; this usually happens in younger, more yeshivish type, minyanim. If you ever go to a young Israel type shul, especially ones with a lot of old people, there will be many people saying kaddish and at different paces. One guy is the speedster, before you say your first amen he is at "yihei shemei rabah". The next guy is average. Then there is the guy who cant seem to go any slower; for some reason these guys like to say it real low to themselves. With all the kaddish readers going at different paces, you tend to lose what amen your holding on, because the guy next to you is saying amen, the other is saying "brich hu" and another is already leaving shul. Then this always happens; everyone is about to leave, thinking everyone is done, and then pipe up the few people able to hear the slow guy, calling everyone back.

Kaddish many times becomes a race to see who can go the fastest. Trying to go really fast brings the stuttering, skipping of words or just mumbling it through. One time I heard a real funny kaddish, it was as if the guy was talking to everyone, and we so to say were nodding our heads at him with an amen at whatever he said.

Tell us your kaddish experiences, we would love to hear.

WERE GOING OVERBOARD.

This product claims to make things chametz free, because that's its name "chametz free". It uses plastic covers for door handles, faucets, cabinets, and anything else that has handles. As you can see on your picture to the right on the bottom, there is a doorknob with a cover on it, as I said before it claims to make things chametz free. Now why would you need to have your doorknobs chametz free?!!!!!!........ ! Your cabinets I can barely understand, and thats if they are in the kitchen. Faucets I don't understand, at all, because you can kosher a metal faucet, and its normal to do so. So why do you need them? the answer is, you don't, that's right you don't. Its all a conspiracy to get people to buy these stupid products, and this wasn't even made by Kosher Innovations. And that's bad, because now you will have two stupid companies fighting to come up with even stupider inventions, and us, the people will have to buy them because we may not be frum enough with out it. And it will all end up with a shadchan asking if you put covers on your doorknobs for Pesach, to determine if you are holy enough to be dealt with.

Yes we are going overboard, and somebody save us.

SHABBOS GREETING AWKWARDNESS

We know how to greet someone on shabbos; the other person is two cement boxes away, about 4 feet, that makes you actually able to look like you are greeting the other person, (not screaming) and giving them a chance to say good shabbos back before passing you. Then there are the times that things go wrong, or awkward occurrences, that sprout from this common occurrence.


Lets say you are walking, and you notice the person coming towards you. In fact they notice you too. You cant just look away, that seems weird. You cant look at the person the whole time till they pass you, that's also weird. Some people will try the look down trick, or the "I am looking straight ahead passed you" look, which never really helps. So as you both are walking towards each other, it gives a weird feeling inside both of you, till you say good shabbos. Another thing you don't want to do, which I find annoying, is right before you pass the other person you cross the street, and in affect, nullifying theirs and your shabbos greeting requirement. Don't do that because I was just about to say it and you walk away, it creates an awkward feeling in me and you, probably, too.

Some times you just aren't sure if you say good shabbos or Shabbat shalom, for example if you think the person is Sephardic, maybe a shabbat shalom is necessary. Then it happens where you cant tell if the person is Sephardic, now you'll never know what to say, and you will always end up looking stupid.


Saying good shabbos to male/female if you are a female/male. This turns out to be a problem only in Brooklyn, because out of town everyone says good shabbos to everyone. If you do say a good shabbos, in Brooklyn, you will probably get a look of astonishment from the other person, which really means "how could you even have the nerve to say good shabbos to the opposite gender", and sometimes you get the invisible look, where the opposite gender pretends you don't even exist. Very rarely, in Brooklyn, will you ever get a good shabbos back.


Many times the people you are greeting will mumble something like "gishbs", which just means they really don't want to say good shabbos. You'll look back at them and wonder, "why couldn't they just say a normal one, am I not worthy enough for one?" Sometimes you will get a nod from people, which I think is better than a "gishbs". For some reason I have never heard anybody say "you too" to a good shabbos, I don't see why it wont work, are you not greeting the person back?

Another weird problem is, you are walking back from shul, for you its after shabbos, the people passing you are on their way to shul, they didn't finish shabbos, or the opposite way around. Do you say "good shabbos", or "gut vuch", you'll never know. On Yom tov it gets harder, what do you say; Gut yuntif, chag sameach, chag kosher v'sameach, Yom Tov (good day)? And on shabbos that falls out on yom tov it gets harder, do you say "good shabbos" first and then the yom tov greeting, or just one them?

Then there is the don't answerer's. These people brush right by you, they also give the "you don't exist" look. That isn't awkward, its just chutzpah.

If you ever pass a group of people: That even you're expert on shabbos greeting etiquette doesn't know what to do. In that case it will always leave you with is an awkward feeling.

Shabbos greetings are just so hard, no wonder people in Boro Park gave up on it.

WHAT AM I? CHAMETZ!

Although the phrase is "what am I? chopped liver", but in the spirit of Pesach we can make some changes. So What am I? chametz! it seems like it from the Mishpacha magazine.

The articles in the Mishpacha, a very frum magazine, this past week have talked about Pesach cleaning. Each and every one of theses articles, from what I've heard, spoke about how the mother/wife of the family has to start picking up the pace to be ready for Pesach. They even gave all sorts of tips or de-stressers, to cope with the cleaning for Pesach. This leads me to believe that Mishapcha magazine is extremely frum.

How come they didn't say anything about the father/husband of the family helping out? I know that today I was scrubbing walls and floors, shaking everything to rid them of chametz. I worked hard, and no! I didn't need any "de-stressers". Does the Mishpacha magazine think that the male of the house doesn't help out? In fact the whole cleaning task is primarily on the male of the house, according to the Jewish law. Great rabbis of the past have done the cleaning without their wives help, for fear of them not doing a good enough job. This allows me to conclude that the Mishpacha magazine is really frum, because they think that they know better than rabbis from 2000 years ago who can bring back the dead. They must know that the husband is in kollel learning and too busy to help out; therefore, they only write the articles for the wife.

If you read Mishpacha (I dont), and you are wondering like me why they only talk about the wife, then you are not frum enough to read the Mishpacha. So yes I conclude, I am "chametz" according to the Mishpacha magazine.

PESACH HAS COME BEFORE PURIM THIS YEAR

Purim is almost here, and Pesach is right behind, or is it? I look at the calendar and see; Rosh hashanah (head of the year), Yom kippur, Succoth, Chanukah, Tu Beshvat, Purim, and then Pesach (see Purim comes before). In fact not only does it just look like it goes in that order from the calendar, I actually celebrate it first too. So now I (emphasis on the I) know that Purim is first, but some people don't. Who you might ask, why its the Jewish press that doesn't know this.

Wait how could the Jewish press not know when Pesach is, don't they have a timeline column, of course they know that Purim is before Pesach. So I ask you, "Why have the Pesach ads been coming in since after Chanukkah, and the Purim ads starting two weeks ago?" obviously Pesach is before hand.

Did you know that there were 31 ads for Pesach in the Jewish presss last week; Hotels, Cruises (Kosherica), trips to Israel, while the Purim ads were less in number. Hey, this is all before Purim, after Purim there is going to more room for Pesach ads. I don't even understand how all these different ideas for Pesach are going to make money, the supply is way more than the demand, nu how many people go on a cruise for Pesach?

So in conclusion Purim is coming before Pesach, as usual, but for the consumer mind, it doesn't seem like it is.

I THOUGHT OUR COMMUNITY WAS ULTRA ORTHODOX?

I thought that our community was almost as Orthodox as it gets, then my bubble was burst when I saw this poster hung up everywhere.

A few weeks (months) ago, there was a major gathering of women in Israel. What they spoke about there was issues dealing with women, and the speaker they had was a man (rabbi). Why? well, the Rabbanim (men) felt that a women (rebbetzin) could not make a public speech, because it was immodest, even though it was in front of only women (you could argue that, but lets not and say we did). Now, when I saw this poster I thought, of course a man is going to deliver the speech (the rabbanim in Israel said so), right? . Well, I was wrong, in fact there is not one speaker who was a male; plus, no one said anything about that, and its the third week of this. Which leads me to think, "Are we that Orthodox?". Ill leave you to decide.

Although the Wolf is a professional photographer, I believe I did a great job, you could say I really captured the moment ;)

HOW DO YOU SAY AMEN?

Many people differ on how they pronounce Amen. Some people it comes from the background that they come from. Others it depends on their personality. There is the uh-mane, ooh- mine, ah-men, and even the christian Ay-men. Now its time to dissect this concept.

The slow Uh-mane: Common among the yeshivish crowds; the slow uh-mane is a stretch on the original amen. It usually comes as a lazy, real slow, no reason for it, uh-mane. This type of uh-mane is the one that can bore you to death. It seems as if its an attempt to slow down the chazan or kaddish reader, the slow Uh-mane type hate fast readers.

The quick uh-mane: A rare trait among some people is the quick uh-mane. This is for someone who doesn't get the reason for stretching an amen out for over a minute, and they say it real quick compared to the slow uh-mane. Side affects include mistaking baruch hu with a fast uh-mane.

The Yom tov musaf uuuuh-maaaane: This type of amen is a specifically long amen with sort of tune to it.

The Ooh- (its) mine: Found mainly among the chassidish sects, the ooh-mine is simply a misconstrued form of an amen. When ever I hear an ooh-mine, I realize that when I will be in middle of shemona esray, I will be pushed around by all chassidim, young and old, who don't have any manners at all. This ooh-mine is usually said in the tone similar to that of a cry for something (ooh its mine).

The silent amen: The silent amen is even simpler than the just moving lips way of saying amen. There is no need to worry on how to pronounce it, you simply don't say it; whether it be because you were talking, or out of sheer laziness.

The loud amen: This is said by a specific sect of hassidim know as stollen. They don't just say it, they scream it all together. If you are really frum and don't know what a heavy metal concert sounds like, no need to worry this is the heimish equivalent. I just wonder how embarrassing it would be if you were screaming and said something wrong by mistake.

The Ah-men: Found among the Sephardi sect of Judaism, the ah-men is said in many weird accents ranging from, through the nose to from the throat.

The Ay-man: The Ay-man is not a call for your friend, rather yo is the term preferably used to call your friend. The Ay-man is used in the christian society, usually in a black church after every few words the priest says (E.G. "The Lord Giveth" the cong. then says "Ay-Man" loud in unison). But even the christians say it different too, the white folk say a quiet ay-men.

I can only say this; the Ay-man is a complete knock off of our amen, but who can blame them when we don't say it normally either (uh-mane, ah-men,ooh-mine).

A ROCKING SHALOM ZACHOR

I was at this sholom zachor a while back. I knew the guy somewhat, and I was in the area, so I went (sorry Moshe not referring to you). I went in, and heard loud, loud singing (off key of course), but they were awesome. They sang just about everything; I believe they were drunk. I said my mazal tov and stuck around a little bit, to marvel at the site.

I have been to many shalom zachor's, none of them had any singing going on like this, if any at all. The atmosphere was pretty light, not like those tense shalom zachors were everyone is afraid to eat anything unless the ba'al simcha forces it down their throat. No, this one was good, the food was almost gone when I came, except the mint chocolate tray.

Things I noticed about a shalom zachor, and at any sort of simcha but especially a shalom zachor, is that there are always the assortments of mint chocolate that no one really like to touch. Some of them are; the jelly ring covered in mint chocolate, the mint chocolate with a disgusting filling, next to that is, the mint chocolate (sort of like a chocolate chip) with the sprinkles on it; no one likes them at all, don't know why everyone buys them.

Also at any simcha you will have the old guy (they tend to be old) who is worried about the children near the drinks (alcohol). As some kid is trying to snatch a cup of Bartenura, or some bad dry wine from Baron Herzog, this guy will say "hey wheres your father, you cant have that" as he snatches the bottle or cup away from the kid. These guys never enjoy the simcha they are at.

Well this shalom zachor was different, none of those old guys (maybe that explains the wild kids), but the mints where there, and it definitely was one shalom zachor to remember.

DAMN TERRORISTS

There is a group in Israel, which cant stop to terrorize the people. Week after week, they continually target its citizens. They hide behind the the ones they target, in fact they target their own. They are extremists calling for women to be covered from head to toe. They segregate their own kind. They are a semi unorganized group, only coming to attack briefly and then scurrying away.

The Israeli government despises these people. The government doesn't really know who to contact, to call for a cease fire. The government has been patient with them, and it can not attack, because who are they going to fight against, only civilians. Even if the Israeli government would ask for a cease fire, these ruthless people would never stop. This group is calling for Israel to aid their poor families, and yet they hate the government.

Years of violence; throwing rocks, heavy beatings, all to support their radical views. Will it ever stop? has the U.N. ever condemned these terrorists? They cant take a system that differs from their own, they go all out against it, using all sorts of violence. I call for a rally against these people. Their children are being taught from a young age, to hate anything that's not like them. In my eyes (not theirs) its sickening; men beating up women, which is morally wrong, all for not dressing up to their standards. Is this not a crazy people? Do they not leach from the government they hate? The answer to all this is a big YES, and these terrorists wont be stopped till crushed. These terrorists I am referring to, are Charedi. Yeah that's right, you'll see all those categories fit with them. Are their intentions that much different from radical Muslims?

Okay, so I might be going a little overboard here.