A NEW BREED ARISES (evolution?)

The creature named Shul Shusher (or in Latin Synagogue Shushisis) is a staple in every shul, from big ones in Manhattan to the small basement shtiebel in Monsey. The shusher doesn't always accomplish their self imposed job, hence they keep on shushing. The life of a shusher is not a fun one, everyone hates you till you let them talk, even the kids hate you (just let them run in the halls will you), plus you seem to spit to often. But in some shuls there is a new type of shusher arising.

This new type of shusher, a more rowdy type, one that is more inclined throw a punch or two just to get you to shut up, is what we are dealing with. They are called the SHHHH I'm Trying To Talk To Someone Shusher, or SITTTTSS for short (the Latin name hasn't come in yet). These creatures love talking so much they make others quiet down so they can hear who they are talking to, just goes to show what kind of shuls they live in.

I myself have abandoned a few shuls due to the infestation, animal control isnt helping and Peta wont let me call the exterminator. But there is hope, they are searching for a species that will counteract the new breed and contain it.

Most experts believe the evolution of this once simple shushing creature is due to a mass of talkers concentrated in one area of a shul, thus drowning out any other noise and sometimes their own. This then irritates the talkers causing them to become more violent and turning them into SITTTTSS's. Others argue and claim they are of a totally different breed. A more recent study done by the "professors" at VIN teamed up with "scientists" from YWN , have attributed this new breed to the lack of tznius in the communities. Although there is no evidence to support their claims, VIN and YWN hold to it strongly.

Whatever the cause maybe, I really don't like being threatened by shushers and rather have them just say SHHHHH and spit on themselves while doing it.

SHUL POLITICS: THE MINYAN/THE CHAZZAN/THE GABBAI

The minyan is an essential part of any shul. Its what makes up what kind of shul it is. If one person would be missing from the minyan, it just wouldn't feel like your in the same shul. These are the guys who don't go to the kiddush club. They may be board members depending on what type of shul you go to. You'll see the people of the minyan be the chazzan for mincha and maariv. They talk in middle of shul but also daven, unlike the guys from the kiddush club (who only talk). If one or two things in the shul go "wrong" they wont blame the rabbi as the kiddush club guys do. They also wield the power that none others have. being the majority of the people in the shul the minyan can put pressure on others and get their way. You wont see much of the minyans power since its kind of hard getting them to agree on one subject.

Many a times the minyan is only a certain sect of judaism (e.g. Satmer, Syrian, Litvish). Other times the minyan is very diverse covering all walks of judaism (e.g. Child Ish's Shul). Some Minyans start off as a band of all walks and then split into two different Minyans (one in a basement). then comes the Minyan that's not in a shul at all. Its called The-Motzei-Shabbos-In-A-Random-Guys-House-Minyan. Don't know how that started, very common.

The Chazzan. The first type of Chazzan is the one for only Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur and maybe Maariv for sukkos and Pesach. These Chazzans get paid good money for stressing their vocal chords and making shul take longer while singing obscure tunes and stretching out words to make them sound like a yawn. I have heard people say that a good chazzan attracts people to the shul. I on the other hand think its a turn off. I have heard these types of chazzans getting the boot for very random reasons. The other type of Chazzan is a guy from the minyan above. Its a better job, no firing. He wont sing anything and your time spent in shul wont be long. Ooooh wait, he does sing l'cha Dodi but even then there is no stretching of the words.

The Gabbai. He is the guy who picks who gets what aliyah and hands out those plastic cards. He does just about everything, from reading who sponsored what this shabbos to who gets P'sicha. In some shuls their are more than one gabbai. Some shuls the gabbai is supposed to keep people quiet. Then there are those self appointed gabbai's who nobody likes. They just like to run the show. Throughout all my years I have never seen a Gabbai blamed for anything. Obviously he has a good job but tough too.

This concludes this chapter of shul politics any other ideas?

SHUL POLITICS: THE CANDY MAN

I missed one important person who is a big part of every shul where children go. That man is THE CANDY MAN. He's every child's favorite person (of course he bribes them), giving them lollis, bazooka bubble gum, anything made by Leibers or Bloomie's and Laffy taffy. (of course there is much more, I'm just not gonna write it all out).

When I was younger I would go over to the candy man in the shul I went to, countless times always asking for more junk so my teeth can rot. I wasnt the only one who did this. So I am wondering how can a candy man daven and hand out to children countless items of tastiness. What happens in middle of Shmona Esray with tons of kids asking for candy and tugging at his pants? Maybe that's why he gives them the lollis so they keep it in their mouths and it acts as a passifier.

We interrupt this important post with breaking news: We are outside live in front of a famous shuls rabbis house. there seems to be a protest by many people who want a Kugel man in shul for all the older people. They appear to be reasoning they will keep quiet in shul if there plan goes through also the kugel will be sponsored by the new Kugel man. We now return to our interrupted post.

The candy man has one of the most "important" jobs in the whole shul (keeping the kid community in a none whiny state) and its one of the more favorite jobs. This wasn't in my shul but I have heard that every year there is (in certain shuls) an election for who gets to be the famed candy man. In some shuls they have a room designated for all the nosh kids like. Where I went it wasn't as high tech as I described a sentence before. It was this one guy who had some candy in his tails bag which he kept in shul.

Ill end this post with a question. What happens if there happens to be two candy men in one shul. As said by some famous blogger "Ill leave the rest to the comments".

SHUL POLITICS: THE KIDDUSH CLUB

If you wanted to know what a kiddush club is and/or never had one in your shul, you are in luck. Throughout this post you will learn all of what you didn't or did know about the the kiddush club.

The Kiddush club is in fact a club, like a chess club but different. It is made up of a group of people who decided to leave davening early and start kiddush before everyone else. From what I know they like to get drunk. Oh something very important. There are various different types kiddush clubs and it depends on what shul you go to that makes it what it is. Back to from what I know. They like politics (every kind), talking in shul is a big one. They also talk about the government. Either against the government trying to find ways to cheat it or they are some how connected to it and know all the FBI tricks (that maybe why they know how to cheat it). I shouldn't forget they like to stick there two cents into everything.

Like I said they like politics. They love it, cant go a shabbos without it. They also "love" the Rabbi (cant wait to go a shabbos without him), so they decide to mix them together. After they have done their little experiment, it ends up that the rabbi is the source of all political problems (even non political). As in the post before the Rabbi is blamed for just about everything..... by the kiddush club.

Talking in shul. I think that this is a big reason for hating the rabbi. The rabbi is usually in charge of making sure everyone keeps quiet and they don't like that. I guess you could say that one of the reasons for the kiddush club's roots, stems from here. They want to talk and they cant. They also want to leave shul but don't want to miss the great kiddush. It then grows from just a few people wanting it to a few people having it (the kiddush and leaving shul). So unlike the rest of us who stay and wait patiently for davening to be over they can't wait and have no patients. Hmmmm..... Patients, that's something they don't have. That explains a lot.

They also give advice for cheating the government. I wouldn't take any advice on how to cheat the government from a drunken person and they drink. They start some of the most random conversations like about parking meters. How the city checks up on them and each one has the same key if they are on the same block. They are always bragging about how they cheated those 25 cent meters. They could have bagged them with those black plastic bag or took a chainsaw and chopped them off, drove away before the cop gives them a ticket. Another thing they have besides some made up stories, is some sort of connection to the government. they could be the most useless person on earth, but they have a connection so respect them. Its usually an uncle, brother, friend, brother in law, cousin, friends friend, as long as its not a woman it counts (sorry they are also anti feminine).

How to get into a kiddush club? Well it depends what type of shul you are in. Many shul's don't have a kiddush club, in fact many shuls don't have a kiddush. Some shuls they have to nab some wine and herring from the kitchen which is for the real kiddush later on. Anyone is invited to these, as long as you have some stories, connections to the government (which you are against) or a complaint on the rabbi. Other shuls its more complicated then being invited. You actually have to pay a kiddush club fee. This means that someone is buying all those things you eat and drink and cant steal them from the shul.

This is the kiddush club and concludes Shul politics (unless I do one on the Chazzan and gabbai).
As you can see shul is no longer a place to pray and find the Jewish faith at its best.What once was a place of torah and tefilah has now become a place of politics and the blame game. It is now not a shul but rather a business.

SHUL POLITICS: THE RABBI

The Rabbi of a shul is one of the more important jobs there is. The rabbi heads the congregation, gives long boring (sometimes not) speeches, and tells the congregation in what order to say davening on those days like a fast or some weird type of holiday no one really knows of. The rabbi also is charged with bringing in more people to the congregation. This is only a way to blame the rabbi, which is usually done by the kiddush club and is not an actually job of the Rabbi.
Many times the Rabbi is a good Rabbi and he can give a good speech or he (not she) knows when to say the speech. That is actually a very important thing to know when to speak. Usually the rabbi gives some sort of halacha shiur before or after the torah leining that's the type of speech you say "when will it be over". Other speeches come when its over and you are in middle of the kiddush (that's only in one shul I daven in).

Now onto the blaming. The kiddush clubs favorite target is the rabbi. Maybe its the shhhhing in shul the rabbi gives them for talking or maybe for leaving the actual place of davening and running to make their own kiddush (The rabbi scorns this). So back to the topic. The rabbi is blamed for everything.Some of the complaints are, He isn't bringing in more people to the shul, He doesn't scream out what page we are on, I just don't like rabbi's, He should give shorter speeches, and many more stupid reasons. Someone else who clashes with the rabbi is the president, usually in a struggle for power.

The rabbi like the president is a figure head. Do all shuls need a rabbi? I think yes, so I guess in that sense he isn't like a president. In any case the rabbis job is a big one and should not be blamed for all these little things. COMING UP NEXT. THE KIDDUSH CLUB.

SHUL POLITICS: THE PRESIDENT

The president is one of the most useless job in a shul (besides for the vice president). What does the shul president actually do? Yes in most shuls the president does make the announcements, but that's about it. All it is, is a figure head. Someone who is there just to say that's the head and if anything goes wrong blame him or the Rabbi.

That's another thing blaming. For example. The president is not doing anything unless there is a fire, flood, or any other type of destruction. So the source of all problems when there isn't one, is the kiddush club. They blame the president for "not doing his job". How a president isn't doing his job is beyond my knowledge. What is the president supposed to do, greet everyone as they walk in? Don't worry, that's only the kiddush club. They always complain and talk about how to cheat the government and meters (but that's a whole different post).

Beside a president there is a vice president too. Now if you thought the existence of the president was useless the vice president has to be even more and sometimes there is a second vice president (it don't get worse than this). I don't know what the vice president does. In fact I don't even know what a real vice president does.

All these positions mentioned above are worthless and are meant just to be some sort of authority to show that things are under control. Many times (places) things are under control and the shul flows smoothly, other times (places) people are at each others throats waiting for the simplest thing to go wrong and that's when these positions above get hit the most and the rabbi (not the kiddush club that's the one that finds the problems).