Wednesday, December 31, 2008

AS THE BALL FALLS SO DOES EVERYTHING ELSE

At exactly 12:00 01 (that is 12 o'clock and 1 second) the big ball in times square will have fallen, it will mark the end and the beginning of a new Gregorian year on your Gregorian calendar, so does it represent everything else that's gone on this year.

The stock Market has fallen: The Dow Jones, and other big stock organizations, have taken the plunge. For the first time in a lot of years we are lower than some number, excuse me if I gave up on were the market is these days. People have plummeted to their deaths, jumping off building, they couldn't take the fact they lost so much. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes how far we are from the top?

The economy has caved in: Now more than ever people are losing their jobs. Companies you would never have thought could go bankrupt did. Some disappeared, some merged. Doesn't matter what happened, it means that things are on a slope, that has been rained on for too long, and is ready to give way to all the pressure. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes how far we fallen from the top?

The missiles have came raining down: Israel has been attacked for months now, with a shower of Kassams every day. The region of Darfur has been in turmoil. Russia invaded Georgia. Gaza is being reduced to rubble. Iraq is still a danger, the shoes came raining down. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes just a hop wont bring us to the top?

The dollar fell: I went to Israel and the taxi drivers didnt really want the American money. The dollar even fell past the canadian one. It went back up but its falling again. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes that the world is fed up?

Eveything has been a downturn for the world. The people dont realize that the ball is just a symbol of all that has happened. They cheer, and wait in the frigid cold, all to watch everything fall. That ball will not go back up, not this year. What are they celebrating? its not something to be happy about.

Okay, so its been a very pessimistic post so far. Heres a little something to cheer you up.

The Gas price has dropped: From a high 4.30 something and maybe more, to the "we would have never dreamed so low" 1.83. We have what to be happy for. Was it the offshore drilling, or was it that we were about to look for alternative energy, that did the trick. As the ball dropped, they understood that these gas prices could not be topped.

Peoples blood pressure dropped: at least mine did.

What is it that dropped and was good or bad. What does the ball dropping symbolize to you, and would it be cooler if they actually dropped it from a building, watching it smash to ground.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

WHAT A BLAST

video

I enjoy watching this. Do you know how much accuracy had to go into this, and planning. Israel is doing a great job, and now they have a 48 hour break to see what hamas is going to do.

Monday, December 29, 2008

RATING THE BORO PARK BAKERIES part 3

After meeting up with Child Ish, we decided to (okay we planned it) hit some bakeries in boro park, to check out the sufganiot.

Korns bakery on 16th avenue: The price 1.20. I took a bite into it, hoping for something good, the taste was bland. The dough just didn't cut it, and the jelly was okay but too little of it. Service was okay. Taste is 3, and over all its a 4. Child Ish mistakenly bought a plain one, he was thinking of suing for his 1.20 back.

Schikks bakery also on 16th avenue: Price was 1.50. Very good, the jelly tasted like it was from apricots, very good. The dough was smooth and full of life. Can't remember if it was self service. Taste was an 8 and over all its got an 8.

Something (cant remember the name) Heimishe on 16th avenue: Price was 85 cents. They were pretty small, but packed with a lot of filling. It was self service. Taste was a 7, and over all was an 8.
Me and Child Ish questioned their Heimishness, basing it on Frum Punks old post about What Does Heimish Mean? In short Heimish means beards, and since there were only women behind the counter, It wasn't that heimish. Unless you say "because it was self service than the men with beards can get all their heimishness on it", and by heimish we mean dandruff from the beards, which is also known as confection sugar.

Then we went to Yossis on 15th avenue: We agreed this place was the most heimish. We also came to the conclusion heimish also means self service. At 1.50 a sufgania it seemed worth it; the guy behind the counter promised us it was the best. We tried, and found his words to be almost true. It had tons of confection sugar, very little jelly, although it was good jelly. Taste was an 8, all over a 9.

At this point in time I had 4 and Child Ish had 5, he bought two at something heimishe.

We went to Schreibers on either 14th or 15th avenue: Price was 1.00 and an okay size. There was self service. Pretty tasteless, and there was almost no jelly. Taste was a 4 and over all 3.

Then we slugged are way to the donut man on 13th avenue: Price was a dollar. We were skeptical about the taste. Turns out our assumptions were right; it tasted like a pancake with a little jelly in side. taste is a 2 and over all a 4.

Then we Davened mincha at Shomer Shabbos. We were bombarded with people asking for tzedakah this one guy came back 3 times asking for money. We shook all the fat away while we davened. After the afternoon services we set out again.

Strauss's bakery on 13th avenue: We were most satisfied with this bakery. 85 cents for a huge sufgania. The place did not have self service, we don't think its heimish. The dough was great, moist from all the oil, and jelly just came pouring out. It was definitely worth its price. Taste is a 9 and over all a 10.

Weiss's bakery on 13th avenue: 1.50 a piece. The outside was hard, once you got in it was okay. There was no self service. The jelly was good, but after a whole 2 hours of stuffing my face, I just couldn't finish. Taste was a 6 and over all a 7.

After this event, I cant eat another for a few years. G6 was right, I do have a stomach of steel, but child Ish has topped me; I had 7 and a half, and he had 9, so he gets the title of stomach of steel. As we were eating, I felt the fat tacking onto me. Our coats had tons of confection sugar, a badge of no worth, yet it showed us our skills. If eating sufganiot was a halacha, then we committed the sin of ba'al tosef (don't add to the torah).

That wraps up the the taste testing for good, and also marks the end of Chanukah. Hope you enjoyed it.

MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR

I love this time of year. Not only did Chanukah come, but the biggest present of them all came. I am just so happy.

Okay, now enough with the chit-chat. This is what I mean. Israel has finally decided to take action on Hamas, we will leave Fatah for later. After months of "Cease Fire" The Israeli politicians noticed that there was something wrong. Why was it that their country had tons of citizens, who had to hide every few minutes, hoping to stay alive? Then it hit them, WE ARE BEING BOMBED!!! "What in the world will ever stop these "civilians" from trying to kill us?" they wondered, "Don't we have a cease fire? surely we cant do anything to them". After much negotiation, which got no where, and shoe throwing, which did, The Israeli government decided to actually do something about it, and only after Hamas took down the "cease fire" did everyone agree.

An air strike, starting this past shabbos, was the first offensive; killing about 250-300 "innocent" people. Times like this make me feel happy, I am not a sadist. I actually like listening to the anti-Israeli news, it tells you more about all the "horrible" things the IDF does, and I like to hear what Israel does. While on the other hand a station like Fox gives me both sides, something I don't want.

Then there are those thing which make me shudder, things like The U.N. getting involved, and peace talks. You can tell I am so not a supporter of Kadima, or likud. If only Meir Kahane were still here today. After the things which make me shudder, there are those things which make me in a state of shock and bewilderment, something like this is what I mean: (begin Quote) "Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni told NBC that the assault came because Hamas, an Islamic group backed by Syria and Iran, is smuggling weapons and building a "small army." (end quote, Begin my rant) What??? Did she just say that its because of smuggling weapons, and the building of a small army. WHERE WERE YOU!! the past few months!! Do you not get that your country is in danger, not because of an imposing army and massive weaponry, but on the contrary, they were actually firing into your peoples homes, DAILY!!! over 120 the day of the air strike!!. What are you, stupid!! obviously we seee you are. And what do you think The U.N. will say to "fear of an imposing army", Do you think their reaction will go like this. The U.N. to Israel on behalf of tzippy : "Oh yeah, sure, go ahead. We understand your needs to protect yourself from an army, who can hardly hold itself up to the NYPD, that didn't even attack yet!". Hey! Tzippy! at least say the truth, don't lie about why you are air striking them!! ( Mike In Midwood says this while violently throwing a notepad and pencil)..... "Think STUPID, THINK!!" (as Mike In Midwood violently shakes Tzippy's brainless head).

Now I have to listen to some anti-Israeli news on the assault, to cheer me up. Don't bother me unless you agree.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

MEME, BUT ITS FOR URUR PLEASURE

So I have been tagged, to do a MEME. How its pronounced is questionable (me-me or meem).

Here are the rules: reach for the nearest book and write the 5th sentence, plus the next two to five, on page 56. Tag five people to do the same.


"I have one here too"She stood, untangled her arm from the sleeve of her hooded sweatshirt, and revealed her tattoo of the same Jewish symbol, entwined in a tattooed vine. I sat stunned not sure of how to react.

That came from sort of holocaust book. Got tons of them all around my house. (side note) Did anyone here of Nachmans seltzers new book network? I believe it to be stupid; stopping the 4rth reich, isnt that just crazy. And get this, only 3 people can stop it; a jew looking for his past, a priest, and a violinist whos dreams are being haunted by a rabbi. With out reading it I can tell they are all somehow related, or that rabbi in the dream is probably the priests grandfather. (end of side note).

Now comes the interesting part. I have to write seven facts about myself.

Rules: Tag seven people to do the same. Share seven facts about yourself, some weird some random. leave their names and link them. Let those who have been tagged know by commenting their blog.

Fact 1: I love Sufganiot. Yes they are fattening, and I manage to keep it off, at least I think so. I should probably weigh myself.

Fact 2: The name Mike in Midwood was founded due to the name Flatbush Gal. I needed a name, and was sort of thinking along the lines of her name. With Flatbush really being Midwood, hence the name Mike in Midwood. She disappeared unexpectedly.

Fact 3: There were points in time I felt like I didn't want to continue the blog. I had no interest. I posted things with no thought. then I got back into it, thanks to end of world, and then she disappeared. (whats with all these people inspiring me and drifting away).

Fact 4: Purim is my favorite Yom Tov. I don't get drunk. I just love all the dancing thats done. Thats also why I love Simchas Torah, Purims just better.

Fact 5: I am a very happy fellow, not much can make me mad.

Fact 6: I try copying the way Frum satire writes posts; its just very hard to think of ideas he hasn't written.

Fact 7: My Ipod only holds 20 songs, it can hold more. I am very picky when it comes to music, only the best make it to the Ipod.

So there is the whole thing, weird, random, and factual, everything a meme needs. To link the ones who chose me, it was actually two who did; The Babysitter, Material Maidel. to those I am linking; Child Ish Behavior and Samuel, Insanity now Serenity Later, Sally Hazel, Frum Single Female, Frum Skeptic, Frum Punk, and Guess Who's coming to dinner A.K.A. G6. Hope you enjoyed.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

RATING THE MIDWOOD BAKERIES part 2

Korns Bakery on Coney and Avenue N. The price was 1.20 (if I'm not mistaken). Taste was a 6 (out of 10). Service wasn't bad. Over all a 6. I didn't hate it, the taste of the dough was not as oily as I wanted, the confection sugar put a cover on that, but pretty good. It was the jelly that really ticked me off. I searched and searched, but all I could find was just a little jelly that wasn't enough to satisfy one mouth, but only through a miracle could it satisfy 8. Seriously be generous on the jelly.

Pressers on M between east 17th and east 18th. Frumskeptic I have to disagree. The way you judged them, made them seem as if they stunk beyond belief. Well they weren't bad. The dough was was good, and the jelly was okay it felt just a little clumped or congealed. the price was good at 1.10, even the service was good. Everything was good but not great. Taste is a high 6 ( I need more numbers), overall an 8.

Weiss's Bakery on M and 13th (corner). Price 1.25 a sufgania. The taste was great, I had myself licking my fingers. Tons of jelly, the dough was soft and moist. Service was nice. Taste was an 8 overall a 9. I liked it, hat tip to Sally Hazel.

Isaac's Bake Shop on J and East 14th between east 15th. A Nice place. the service was friendly, The taste was good; It wasn't that small nor that big. Jelly was tasty, At 1.50 I believe, I don't think it was worth it, or I was just full. Taste was 7, overall 6 0r 7 (depending if you count my being full).

A bakery (i think its called elis muffins) on the corner of 14th and J. The service was bad, I kept seeing looks of impatience, I asked for a jelly donut (person looked Asian, didn't think they would know hat a sufganiot is) and made a hand gesture (like most jews). She said its not going to be that small. Hey, I asked for something, I didn't want to know how big it was. I guess she probably thought I was pointing to something, it was pretty big. Cost 1.25. Jelly was congealed (I like it flowing). At first I thought it was okay, then dough was too dry, seemed like it was fried in glue. Taste was a 4. over all a 3.

Ostrovitsky's bakery on the corner of 12th and J. I didn't go in, so I don't know about the service. 1.25 it was. The jelly poured out, I bit into the wrong side and dropped some. I still had enough to fill my desire. Dough was moist, and a deep pocket of jelly. Taste was a 9, over all yet to be determined( and probably never will be).

Next Time, I'm off to Boro Park and all their bakeries, any special requests will be included. Ah freilichin Chanukah.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

New years is coming. I don't normally hold of it, in any sort of way. This year I decided to do something for it. I will make a new years resolution.

At first I had no clue what to make it on. I wanted to change some of my habits; be more considerate of others, blah blah blah. I needed something that would suffice, something that I can relate to. I thought of going on a diet, but I don't need to go on one (maybe after all this sufganiot I will).

I asked people to choose for me. One said "lend money, and tell people they don't have to pay back". I don't know what it was, that made me not agree with that one. Another said "how about a resolution to never make a resolution". I told him that people always break their resolutions.

Now at this point I was about to give up. I had no idea what I would make a resolution on. Too many ideas that just couldn't fit out in words, or I just couldn't keep up with. Besides all this, I told myself I would only make one. Then I thought of something that everyone wants, something that, when ever you make a resolution, you want it. I decided to CHANGE. I reinforced it saying, even our country is making a new years resolution for change. Our president elect is being inaugurated on January 1st; he ran on the "We need change" ticket.

I dont think I will end up keeping it, and neither do I think our president elect will, for every resolution is always broken, one way or another, in the end.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

HOPEFULLY NOT YOU ON CHANUKAH

You rush home to light the holy menorah. As you are passing a house, you see a Kenorah being lit. You laugh at the cheap imitation of your holiday. You wonder if they believe in Kenya Kwanzaa (He lives on mount Kilimanjaro), like you believe in Chanukah Chaim (or is it Elijah the Prophet, various different opinions in the Talmud). You come home to a house decorated, with only the most Hanukkah spirited items, such as (only paper ornaments made by kids in kindergarten); dreidels, a bubby making latkes, menorah's, and snow flakes shaped like Magen Davids.

You come to the front window, to light the Holy Menorah. You didn't prepare the Menorahs, nor did your wife. I guess she trusted the kids to not make a mess with all the oil. You say to yourself, " Its okay if they don't know how to pour, and they made a mess everywhere. In fact the oil is good for their hands, it acts as a moisturizer". You start off the first Bracha, having in mind every segula, with the most kavanah possible. The same goes with your second Bracha. You hand out the candle for everyone else to light, even your daughters light (actually this is a question if they should light, some even hold they cant).

You finish Maos Tzor, and you notice that across the street is a christian home. They have all those lights and trees, you shed a tear, crying to G-d, "why did I have to see this" (if you didn't get it by now, you are extremely frum, (why am I telling you this?, you should know y0u are frum)). Your wife tells you that, something looks like a fire hazard. You quickly object with "Hashem would never let such a great mitzvah, come back to haunt us". Your wife, being just as frum as you, agrees to this.

As you were discussing this matter, your daughters hair caught on fire, while examining her menorah. This happened through a candle (children have candles, you have the oil) falling out of its holder, because of bad positioning on your children's part (they set it up). Not only that, but the fact that your children spilled oil everywhere, the fire caught on. Your daughter screams her hair is on fire, You do not believe such nonsense, for how could G-d do this to you. Most of her hair burns off. The house is now in flames. The smoke detector starts to beep. After much thought, you decide its time to call Hatzaloh. You run outside, as your house looks like it could burn for the next 8 days. You ask your daughter, who gave her such a nasty haircut, and has she been smoking?

So all your great decorations go to waste. You begin to lament, how could G-d do this to you? what will become of your decorations? Suddenly you feel that famous inspiration coming, yes it has struck once again. You jump and say " It was my Goyish neighbor, who started the fire. He must have been jealous of my great decorations and festival of lights". The cops come over to you, for a report on what happened. You tell them, you are sure its the Goy across the street, with all those lights, who started it. You begin to sing Gam Zu Letova; you just remembered the insurance will kick in, and pay for everything. "G-d works in such mysterious ways" you say. You thank G-d and make a Shehechiyanu, one that you didn't make because it wasn't the 1st night.

Monday, December 22, 2008

RATING THE MIDWOOD BAKERIES part 1

Its Chanukah. So its time to eat all the sufganiot you can. Instead of wasting your money on places that have low class sufganiot, I did that for you.

Famous Pita on Coney Island Avenue: they go for 1.50 a piece. They are stingy on the jelly, pretty small pocket. Service seems good, although I went when nobody was around. The taste was a 5 (out of 10), and over all I rate it with a 4.

Pita Sababa(h) on kings highway and east 4th: 1.25 a piece. They have tons of filling, a big pocket full of it, best jelly, are hot, steamy,and pretty big. Service was quick. Taste was a 10. Over all a 10. If you are going to only one place, you go here.

J2 on M and east 15th: It went for 1.25. the jelly was smeared on (something I dont know what, maybe a bagel), not injectd, absolutely no pocket. It opened like a bagle. they had to heat it up before giving me it. taste was a 4 and over all, the rate is a 2.

Schreibers on M and east 31st: Pretty small, only a dollar. The jelly was good, not a big pocket. Service was good. Taste was a 6. over all the rate is a 7.

When I was at Schreibers, there was this one guy who was ordering. He was talking on his phone, trying to get down the order. Every few seconds, he would be changing the order around. Dude, how a bout getting your order together before you go in. Lucky for me, the guy behind the counter knew how to run things wel,l and got it all together. Right before this guy is about to leave he says, "Wait, none of those had powder". He was literally about to make the guy repack everything, after how hard he worked. In the end he didn't, and just left, allowing yours truly, to order.

Maybe Ill check out Boro Park too.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

GO GREEN WITH CHANUKAH

We all know the Neis of Chanukah. That one little pitcher of oil, that could only last one day, lasted 8. The weak triumphed over the great. As a result of all this, we light the Menorah 8 days, adding one each day. (as if you needed to know all this, its just an introduction).

Global warming is upon us, and we are letting out more CO2 emissions than ever. Its time to Go Green With Chanukah. The whole miracle of Chanukah was about conserving energy. G-d was going green, making one little jar of oil last eight days. Even though there are many ways of proving how it lasted eight days, the point is it was conserved.

This Chanukah, tell your children about ways to conserve energy, in the memory of this great miracle. Instead of lighting 36 cups of oil or candles; get an electric menorah, and turn it on with florescent light bulbs. Like all the Jew friendly banks do. If you do not own an electric menorah, please only use one candle all eight nights. It may not be a big difference for just one person, but if everyone does it, imagine how much CO2 won't be polluting our air. Remember, would G-d light all eight nights, with all that oil. He seemed to have used only enough for one night.

We know, we Jews use an extreme amount of oil, especially in our food. Do us a favor, don't have bubby use all that oil for a latke. We are only supporting the middle eastern countries, through using their oil; and we know how much the Jews love to give a helping hand to Iran, and Saudia Arabia. Yes we know you use olive oil, but its all oil.

Don't commit any of those environmental sins. As a great Rabbi of the Reform temple, named Sally Hershberg, said " The 11Th commandment from G-d was, keep the planet clean". So this time, find an "alternative way" to celebrate Chanukah.

Instead of singing Mah Os Tzor, sing a song that will instill, into the minds of the children, to save the environment. A song like this will do, to the tune of "oh Chanukah"

Oh Chanukah Oh Chanukah come turn on (light switch) that menorah.
With no CO2 emissions, now that's keeping the Torah. (11Th commandment)
Gather round the table Ill tell you a story
Where we all listen to Ex vice president Al Gory

And while the candles are not on very bright (its an electric menorah and on dim)
One on each night to conserve all the light (keeping Halacha here)
to remind us of the days long ago (the miracle of 1 for eight days)

One on each night with a florescent light (more energy efficient ways)
to remind us of the days long agoooo.

To all, have a happy and Green Chanukah.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

WHY BE AN ATHEIST

In the end, you will see why its mathematically stupid to be an atheist.

Step one: You cannot prove G-d doesn't exist. If you try to question why G-d did something, or why he created something. You can always say "G-d put it there as a test to see if you believe". Therefore you can not prove G-d does not exist. Also G-d is not physical so you cant prove that he doesn't exist with something physical. This also works the other way making it fifty fifty. So there is 50% chance that if you are an atheist you are wrong.

Step two: We all know that G-d spoke to the Jews at mount Sinai. All other religions they had one guy who heard G-d. No religion disputes that G-d spoke to the Jews. There were about 3,000,000 people at Mount Sinai when G-d spoke to them. So the only way for for you to prove that this didn't happen is for you to say that A) it was big hoax. Which is highly unlikely for 3,000,000 people with the rest of the world agreeing, to make a big hoax. B) It was Aliens making the big show at mount Sinai. Aliens were never proven to exist. Or C) time travelers went back and with loud speakers and special effects to make the big hoax. Going back in time was never a theory, it was only to go into the future, and time traveling never happened cant prove it exists. This brings us, with some kindness on the atheists part, to about 85% that G-d exists, and 15% G-d doesn't.

Step three: All the Miracles G-d did for the Jews are believed by all. Once again, the only way to disprove this is with the three answers before, which are highly unlikely. Pushing this, once again with kindness on the atheists part, to 92% G-d exists and 8% G-d doesn't. Now going with 8% is a big risk to take. You are going to burn for this, according to all religions. Does it make sense to go with an 8% chance you are wrong? obviously not.

This was invented by a 16Th century mathematician if I am not mistaken.

Monday, December 15, 2008

MORE GREAT INVENTIONS

After coming out with, the pre cut toilet paper, and tefillin sweater, the company that made them, came out with a few other ideas.

The Mitzvah Muzzle. For all those times in middle of Chazaras hashatz, you feel you just need to talk. Don't worry any more with the Mitzvah Muzzle you wont be able to speak to anyone, helping you keep halacha. It also comes with garlic breath, to chase away those who wish to talk to you. If you Buy now, we will throw in the Lashon Hara Gag, for 50% off.

The Blinders. Have you ever walked anywhere besides Meah Shearim? Do you know how much Pritzus there is out there? With the Blinders you will be able to walk freely, without having to see anything immodest. This great device injects a green poison, into your eyes, every time something immodest passes bye, blinding you till it passes. Long term affects include complete blindness.

When was the last time you couldn't remember when you ate Fleishigs? Never will you have to remember. The Fleishig Alarm will tell you. All you have to do is press the "ate" button and automatically it will beep 6 hours later. It attaches to your belt, or fits in your pocket, or placed it on your dashboard in your car. Included in this offer, is The Milchig Alarm. It will beep five minutes after you ate to remind you, you can eat fleishigs.

We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item, over night. Available with name tags.

Hashgacha Bar Code Reader. Ever wonder which hasgachos are not deemed worthy enough to keep. With this new Hashgach Bar Code Reader you don't have to think at all. Just run the Hashgacha under the reader, and a sign will appear to tell if its worthy enough.

Remember if order within the next 10 minutes, you can get all this, at the low price of 399.9 (no that decimal is not in the wrong place, oh wait it is 3999.9).

If you thought these where useless, how about that Tefillin sweater they made, with Zipper sleeves. To tell you the truth I can roll up any sweater, no problem. If you have any other ideas share it, don't patent it.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

INTRODUCING THE LATEST IN TECHNOLOGY!

Have you ever wondered what to buy someone, for Chanukah? Well now you don't have to look any further. Introducing the latest in modern technology...... The Kosher Phone. Years of modelling, and enhancing this scientific achievement, have come through for the average man. Previously used by the army in the gulf war! Equipped with nothing but what you actually need! It has no camera or text messaging abilities! One scientist who worked on this said "It took us five years (1984-1989) to develop this. Who knows what limits mankind can reach with this?" No more complicated phones. This is simple, and easy to use.

Get up to date with technology, and get The "new" Kosher Phone.

a non paid advertisement.

Friday, December 12, 2008

MAGEN DAVID (spoof on pyramid)

Welcome to Magen David, the show where we evaluate shidduchim. Yeshivah bochur walks in. "Heeeeeres your host... Random Shadchan" Says the announcer. Rabbi guest walks in. Random Shadchan tells us what the winner will get "The winner of this; gets a shidduch date, with a girl who calls herself, not your typical bais yaakov girl". The crowd cheers. Yeshivah Bochur sits down in his seat, rabbi sits across from him. "Remember the rules" the shadchan says "There are five questions, rabbi you cant tell the bochur the actual answer, only hints. When you get it correct, you will hear a Ding! sound, okay.

You have 20 seconds on the clock. The topic is Life. start now! Rabbi doesn't understand how to work the computer. Bochur tells him "just read whats there". Rabbi understand now. 12 seconds left. Rabbi hints "Where you go after you are married". Bochur "Kollel!". Ding! Random Shadchan says "good job, you are now one step closer to the prize". We stop for commercial break, on the all Jewish network Shidduch Central.

Host Random Shadchan welcomes us back "Welcome back, and as you were gone, Yeshiva Bochur has passed to the third round. He answered a tough question, on the topic of yeshiva, with "White shirts only". Once again 20 seconds on the clock, Topic for this is, Not So Bad, and start". Rabbi to Bochur "I tell you something" Bochur to Rabbi "I listen, speak, daven? Rabbi back to bochur "A rosh yeshiva says don't do something for no apparent reason". 8 seconds left. Bochur back to rabbi "Listen no matter what" Ding! "Well done" Random Shadchan says "all you have to do is get these two questions left on the Magen david, correct, and you are an okay shidduch match". Crowd cheers.

"Okay 4rth round, Yichus is the topic, the clock begins now". Rabbi "Personal questions". Bochur "my childhood, my hashkafa, My mother learns, my looks?" Rabbi "heritage". Bochur " Yichus, My yichus?". 6 seconds left. Rabbi " to some is embarrassing but to you okay" Bochur " Your great uncle wasn't frum mine was!". Ding! Host " very close but you got through". All you have to do is answer this last question, and you have passed, this harsh shadchan question course".

"Last question, don't let the pressure get to you" Shadchan says "one last time 20 seconds, the topic is Useless questions from shadchanim, and here we go" Bochur looks nervous. Rabbi begins to stutter, thinking of what to say. "uh uh uh, You use it on shabbos." Bochur "shabbos coat, shabbos hat, shabbos lamp.... shabbos toilet paper?" 10 seconds left on the clock. Rabbi "Shabbos table, kiddush, stains". 5 seconds left. Bochur "Plastic table cloth?" 2 seconds left " uh uh uh uh". BZZZZT. "Times up" the host says "sorry, the answer was white shabbos table cloth, not to be confused with, the modern orthodox plastic table cloth. Don't worry for a backup prize, we give you the "out of the box" YU girl".

Thanks for joining us on this wonderful show. All guests will receive a 10$ gift certificate to Eichlers (fine print: 10$ in Eichlers cant buy you anything). See you next time on Magen David.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

RANTING ABOUT BAIS FAIGA

You may already know, that the school, Bais Faiga, has closed its doors to 1800 students. The teachers, as you might have assumed, got late, or no pay at all. This school had a strict policy. You work and your children don't get in, you are in Kollel and they do. If the Kollel family, has no means to support themselves, how the hell do you think, they can support the school. Do you think they would pay full tuition? A normal Yeshiva can hardly stand, thats with people paying full tuition! Now you understand the tuition crisis.

The school was for sure teaching the kids to live a Kollel life. Then the merry-go-round continues, but this time, with even less money. Now the Yeshiva is going around collecting money, to keep up the same stupid rules, they had before. Albert Einstein said "insanity is trying the same thing, the same way, over and over again". This Yeshiva is INSANE!! And where do you think they are getting this, new found money from? Not someone in Kollel. They get it from the working class, the same ones they don't let into their school.

How could one institution say please give us money, and at the same time bash the ones giving them the money. Oxymoron's!!! It turns out, not only is this a problem for the girl school, the same is about to happen to the boys school. Did I mention this place is in Lakewood? G-d grant the people of Lakewood, some brains. The congregation answers. Amen.

Monday, December 8, 2008

THEY COULDNT HAVE DONE WORSE

If you look on that red circle you will notice it says "Yes 0 trans fat" and then "No hydrogenated oils". At least the ending was okay, but the "Yes 0 trans fat". Learn some grammar!!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

IF THEY HAD A BLOG...

Chava (wife of Adam) being the first mother of all would have a blog named My take on motherhood. No explanation needed. She did sort of fail, her child was killed.

If Noach would have had a blog, it would be named, The Babysitter Writes. You know how many little, wild, things he had to take care of, and feed; while G-d was out (literally) hitting the town.

Abraham would have named his, Not just typical. He really wasnt the typical person, running around defying all that was known.

The guys who built the Migdal Bavel would be, Insanity Now, Serenity Later. Only insane people would build a huge building to fight g-d, or hold up the sky, too bad the serenity never came.

Lot the nephew of Abraham, would be a Frum Punk. Hes frum, but just following, like a punk.

Sarah would not be a Material Maidel. Really, following a guy who said g-d spoke to him, and is going to make him rich. No way she was expecting a material life.

Yitzchak would surely be Something of Zion. Hey, have you ever been so attached to Israel, you wouldnt leave it, even if there was a famine, or to look for your spouse?

Yaakov is obvious. He would be Jacob Da Jew. He might even manage two blogs; one I mentioned before, and the second, being since he was so honest, Honestly Frum.

Eisav (Esau) surely would have made one named Guess who coming "late" to dinner? Himself. after Jacob, stole all the Berachos, through giving his father a meal.

Rachels is Frum Single Female; waiting for that Jacob. (Im pushing it, I know)

Yosef has got to have one Frum In South Egypt. I think It was south egypt he ruled over at the time.

Benyamin, his brother, would have been Wolfish Musings. Benyamins sign is a wolf.

All 600,000 jews in the dessert shared one blog Frum House in the dessert. They were all in one cloud. They all shared it till, Korach and his gang bacame the Frum Skeptics. They were skeptical of Moshe taking the leadership role and Aaron becoming the Big Kahuna.

Ezra Hasofer would be Torat Ezra.

Queen Esther had one to show her Jewish Side, named, Esther Hadassah's blog.

To all those I couldnt fit in, dont feel sad. I couldnt fit mine in either. Ill link you guys anyway. Frum College girl (see why I cant fit it in), Frum satire (if you consider Koheleth as satire fine), Welcome Balance, Res Ipsa Loquitor, Sporadic Intelligence.

Hope you all enjoyed (cant say this out loud) Havel Haveilim.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

CHANUKAH IS COMING!!

I love Chanukah for it brings back great memories. In school we would take the latkes they gave for lunch; stick a wick in it, light it, and watch how long it takes to burn out. How I used to stay up all 8 nights waiting for Hanukah Harry or Chanukah Chaim. Most of all I like Chanukah for a good Sufgani'ot. I don't know where to find some good ones around. Anyone have a clue? I know this post is a little early, but I am desperate.

Friday, December 5, 2008

WORLD OF CHUMROS

You wake up to your kosher alarm clock, playing only the most kosher radio. You hit the "I am not a visikin guy" button. A few minutes, later it plays a again, to the tune of Wake Up by Lipa, or is that not frum enough? You press the "I am up for shachris" button. You lean over to your mikveh, beside your bed, and wash your hands. You go to the kitchen, which has your own personal Mashgiach, to make sure all is glatt kosher. You open your refrigerator, and reach for a bottle of Lakewood Orange juice, which is made in Brazil and Florida, but you didn't know that. You step outside your house, walk to the correct part of the street, made just for men.


You notice a woman being beat for walking to her house, which is on the men's side of the street. You say to yourself "she deserves it". You go to your yeshivishe car, where the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn. You turn on the Kosher GPS, to guide you to the kollel. You close your eyes while you drive, for perhaps, you may see a woman on the street. You rely solely on your GPS, to tell you when to turn. You walk into the kollel, and put on your kosher tefillin (we hope its kosher).


You are done shachris. You begin to do, whatever it is you do in kollel, which is nothing. You pull out your kosher phone and start talking to people on it. You wonder, "Could you do anything else with a phone besides talk"? You think "surely not; otherwise, in our advanced society, it would be done". You go out to smoke. You pull out your box of Badaatz certified cigarettes, and enjoy this wonderful life you have.

A person comes over to you. He offers a shidduch, for your daughter. You ask all these weird questions. After you are finished, you decide he is a good match. You reasons to this are; He wants to be supported by me who can hardly support himself, and two, he is a complete copy. of all the other guys around, he must be good.


You are late for the afternoon Hock. You rush, as to not miss all the gossip. You hear in a distance "did you hear what happened to Baruch Chaim's wife? It turns out she got lynched, for being on the wrong side of the street". Next guy says, "That's a shame, its his second wife this week". You pipe in "Yep, well women have to know better". Then a guy says "Did you see what YWN wrote?" You all inquire about, what exactly YWN is. This guy tells you, "Do you have the net". You answer "A fishing net?" "No no no", says the guy "I mean the Internet". You then all learn all about the Internet.


All of a sudden, you are thrown into a vortex of thought. All the things you knew about your life, are flushed down the drain of reality. You ask this person to "hand you the net". He realizes you don't get what it really is. He shows you everything. You were shocked when you found out that, there are actually other civilizations, and not too far away.

You go home. You have a talk with your wife. She says she doesn't believe you. You begin to fight with yourself. "why did my community withhold this knowledge from me? Did they think they cant trust me?" and then "Well I like the fact that, my community cares about me". A bolt of insight hits you. Your phone really can do more than just talk, and why is it that you cant have more money? Also you want to choose your own lifestyle and not be born into one.

You decide, that's it, you are going off the derech. You leave you community (your wife and family didn't come along). You are driving out of town, Wait! there are no roads to out of town, or so says your GPS. You decide to look up when you drive now (a sin that in your old community deserved lynching). You are heading out of town. You find a new community that allows you to have choice. Back in your old place. Your wife and family, are being excluded from the community. If this family can produce such a heretic, then they all don't belong in the community.Oh, and that shidduch you made isn't going to work out.

You finally wake up, from this awful dream you had. You thank G-d that you live in a world, where you can choose the way you wish to serve g-d, and walk on any side of the street you want. You say "Thank g-d I am not (charedi) born into that.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

I was on a city bus in Israel. One of those Charedi packed buses, with guys who decided to not use deodorant. The stench being so unbearable, you can actually smell armpit (gross, I know). Being that I wished to breathe, I sat in an area where, there were more women.

The bus got really crowded, to the point were I gave up my seat, to a woman. The Charedi men were infuriated, and started to beat me with their smelly arms. How dare I give up my seat to a woman. I defended my case, Rosa Parks like, I wouldn't take the seat. Kidding, that's not what happened. She called me a Tzaddik, for giving up the seat. She made a real big deal about, how nice I was. Half the words out of her mouth, I couldn't understand, but I got the gist of it.

Now when I ride the train or bus in New York, it is common for me to give up a seat, and I think nothing of it. For some reason she thanked me. Then it hit me. Charedi people don't do this. They will never give up a seat, nor be kind to another person. The fact that most Chareidim, ignore the common rules of Derech Eretz. I finally got something out of it, I felt good, for doing such a small deed.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

WHAT A YESHIVA CAN DO

We all remember when Chaim Berlin banned the sheitel store, across the street, for showing woman's faces in the window. The owner didn't want to listen to them and kept it up. After a while of no business, the wig store closed down. They took away the faces of women; instead, they hung sheitels (without faces) in the window. They have now reopened with 30% off sale. Do you see what a yeshiva can do? they can get a store to have a sale. I think the Yeshivos are too influential.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

THE IRONY OF THINGS

Throughout my time in the blogging velt, I have been complimented and criticized. Some people say some great things and then, well.... their actions say differently. One person commented

"I luv you, mike. Don't take me too seriously, i'm an youngish thinking and looking grandmother. i love your blogs. you hit the nail on the head. you should write in a newspaper. It will probably be banned by the frummies for telling the truth. They can't stand the truth."

Then, that person never showed up again. also a person named Ahuva K said

"just found your blog.
Love the "Midwood is what everyone calls Flatbush" - that irks me as well :)"

That person didn't last long either.
Then I had a Troll, who handed me a post with 112 comments, he liked making fun of everyone, and hating everything. He did end up saying, he liked my blog better than Moshe's, but that's only because Moshe blocked him. I didn't think the post with the most comments, will come from someone, who I didn't want on my site. I also ended up blocking him. If you would like to read those comments here is the link

I liked the troll better, than the ones who complimented. The troll gave me a good laugh. So to sum up "Compliments aren't any good, and the criticism could be better".

Saturday, November 29, 2008

NO WORDS TO EXPLAIN THE PAIN

Thats right. Everything I could write or feel, was already written, and it would only be, a copy of another persons post. Instead I link these; that, I feel have expressed it the best.

Chil Ish

Jacob Da Jew

Torat Ezra

I encourage you to read them.

Friday, November 28, 2008

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR BLACK FRIDAY

Black Friday the day of mourning, comes after the day of giving thanks. Black Friday's origins are dated back to 1621. After the pilgrims ate all that stuffed turkey, they sat on the john for quite a while. It lasted a whole day, and that day was a Friday, it then became known as Black
Friday.

Till this day we celebrate Black Friday. We throw big Sales to make everyone a little happier on this sad day. Some people go to the extreme lengths, just to mourn on this day. They prepare for this day, through eating tons the day before, so they can last the next day without breakfast, running through aisles and dumping everything in their carts. As it says "whoever eats the day before, it is as if they actually mourned on the actual day". They then prepare for a night outside, in the cold and wind. Sleeping in tents outside stores, just to wait on line, and to reenact what the pilgrims did that day; wait on line for the bathroom. They act as beggars on the floor, to show how horrible a day it was, in our nations history.

Others decide, that it would be best to celebrate this day, by making others unhappy. These people run through the store, and trample anyone in their way. They wont say sorry, for that may make you not as annoyed. Instead they will throw you to the ground and hurdle nasty comments. After the day is over, you can look back and see how much you have accomplished. All those new items you have bought, how miserable you made yourself, or others.

Tomorrow when you go out to celebrate Black Friday, remember why you are doing this and what it resembles. Have a crappy Black Friday.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I AM SO THANKFUL

There are 10 things I am thankful for, and there isn't a better day to give thanks; than, Thanks Giving.

1) I am thankful for not making up the name Thanks Giving, for it is the source of ridicule. Who doesn't think its a stupid name. How about Give Thanks that sounds better.

2) The fact that I am living a very happy life.

3) I am an active person, so I am thankful I never broke or sprained a bone in my body.

4) For my Family (of course).

5) Friends.

6) That I live in Midwood, where a Kosher turkey is easy to find. (regardless of the prices)

7) This blog which is running over a half a year (yay! halfaversary.)

8) All you wonderful commenter's .

9) That I am not being held hostage in India. G-d Help.

10) That I have a day to get all my thoughts straight, on what to be thankful for.

11)What I am not thankful for: The old lady downstairs playing really bad Arabic music really loud.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

THE HEAVY WEIGHT TITLE A.K.A HAGBA

The time has come. The leining is over, and now its just you, and the guy doing Gelila. YAMOD HAMAGBIAH VEHAGOLEL!(ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE!), the bell has rung. You get up from your seat, face your challenger (guy doing Gelila), and head up onto the ring (bima). You reach for the Torah, and thrust it up into the air. With full pride, you wave your belt (the Torah) around, showing it to all sides. You are forcefully sat down. Its a race between you and the Gelila guy, who is going to wrap this up first. (well not really, but you get the point).

Ooh! it seems as if its a tie (you both rolled it up), you both make it to the second round. Your plan is to let him throw himself out, trying to fix that buckle around the Torah. You utter comments at him, like "go faster", "its upside down", "not below the (belt) upper third portion of the Klaf". Gelila guy is worried, and is trying to hurry things up. He throws a right hook, but he cant get it around. Then a left, but to no avail. You are winning. He tries a stupid move, putting both hands around at the same time. It somehow works on you, only because it was so stupid. The "Ref's" then break up the illegal formation. He barely makes it out of the second round.

3rd round. Your plan seemed to work before, you try it again. You let him "throw" over the Torah cover. He gives it a nice tug, nothing pops out. You then start shaking it up, he cant find any holes (Gelila guy is trying to get the Torah cover over the handles). The crowd (Minyan) is starting to get impatient. Finally Gelila guy gets the hole he needs, and sticks on the Yad , in an attempt to come up with some points.

Too late for the Gelila guy, its over. You pick up the Torah once again, in triumph, and then proceed to shake everyone's hand. They all congratulate you on the big "win". One guy slaps you on the back, as a friendly gesture. You look over at the Gelila guy, he is only getting small handshakes. End Of Story.

Hagba is not all that its cracked up to be. Many Jews have decided, that they need something they can call on their "strong men" for. Everyone is afraid of dropping the Torah, so it became the ideal thing to need, a strong man for. Then, when there is someone not so strong, doing Hagba, they feel the need to explain to them, how to do it. "You got to lift it from the bottom, go down with it, then up". Its really not that hard. Then there are those guys, who brag about their friends being so strong. "My friend Beryl is so strong, he picked it up with closed eyes". Other guy, "Oh no. You have never seen my cousin Yanky, what he can do with the Torah is a whole nother story".

The worst is when its Simchas Torah. All are looking for that lone sober guy to do the job. He cant just be sober, he has to have the muscle and skill, to twist the Torah around. Regardless of whether the guy has control or not, anyone near him will lunge forward, grab on to any part of the Torah to secure it.

Hagba isn't that hard, get over it, there is no Jewish practice that proves, that one is extremely strong. Hagba is not all that its cracked up to be, and you can't brag about it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

WELL EVERYONE ELSE HAS

Yes, everyone has basically tried the test. I am just another one, who was intrigued to do this. Here it is. ESFP - The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.
When I am blogging, its only the second part thats correct. When in person, I am the exact opposite, I am an INTJ.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

A CLEAN JEW I BE

It is a known fact that many Jews have OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder). They are constantly cleaning themselves from germs, and bacteria. Why is it that these people, have been mentally convinced, they are in the danger of being infected. Lets look into the many reasons.

A common Jewish ritual is, to cleanse oneself in a pool of water, that so many others have cleansed themselves in already. (hey! whats the worst thing in a mikveh?..... Traffic). This practice is known as "going to the Mikveh". One of the more dreaded Mitzvahs, for those who don't normally go. There are two ways of looking at this. One is; since, many have the Minhag of dipping everyday, they are always feeling unclean, during the rest of the day. The other is; that, they feel contaminated after diving into a pool, where "uncleanlies" (sometimes really are) have gone to; therefore, they feel the need to keep hand sanitizers with them.

There are other places that may cause you to go into an OCD type syndrome. A Yeshiva is among the worst. I did a post on that a while back (link here). Basically, you can go crazy over, the filth that practically grows there. From the food to the rooms, its all disgusting. Then there is the restaurants/pizza stores; which have so many health code violations, (link here) I am amazed that I havent gone OCD.

Going back to the first reason. We are supposed to wash our hands: When we wake up, after we
go to the bathroom (hope everyone does anyway), Before you eat bread, and some, after you eat bread, after coming from a funeral, or just visiting a cemetery; all because of the Ruach Ra (evil spirit) that rests upon you. That is a good reason why Jews have OCD, it seems like you always have to be clean. It doesn't take a genius to figure out, why so many Jews have OCD.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

OBSERVATIONS AND THOUGHTS

I have been writing a few things, I have been noticing around the Jewish world. Maybe this will become a friday theme? Hopefully not. Here are the thing I have been noticing.

1) The Skvere (square) Rebbe, has visited the city of Flatbush. They actually think that Flatbush is a city, that's what it says on those bags he gave out. How long could it take to check up, if Flatbush is a city? Its like the five boroughs being; Williamsburg, Borough park, Monsey, New square, and Flatbush, sad. Also, why is it that the Rebbe gave out blessed quarters? Did they not used to give out dollars? Better yet, he should have gave out a pack of "blessed Kleenex" to everyone; then when you sneeze, and no ones around to say bless you, you are automatically blessed.

2) Pizza should come with nutrition facts. Why is it, that they don't show what its made out of? I would like to see the exact ingredients. How much of my daily fat it contains, based on 2000 calorie diet. It should say: X amount of Flour, X amount of Tomato sauce, X amount of Mozzarella cheese, 1 roach, 0% vitamin A,B,C,D. 3% iron etc. etc. They should have no problem of where to put it, it could be baked into the back of the pizza. I would really like to know which store is ripping you off, on the cheese and sticking in more sauce, or vice-a-verse. Does the pizza store Mendelsohns beat Pizza time, even though both prices are highway robbery?

3) On any store which sells food; there should be a sign, showing all of there health code violations, especially in Midwood. Because the amount of violations allowed are 24, and some have 22, sickening. A good store has only 12, less sickening, still pretty bad.

4) LOL's (Little Old Ladies) have no manners. Parents should be more afraid of them than molesters. Hers why. When I was about 7 years old, I was waiting by my bus stop, ever so innocently, as an LOL walked up to me. The temperature outside must have been 40 something. I was wearing my coat with it unzipped. The LOL then had the nerve to come over to me, and I don't know exactly how, but she forcefully zipped up my coat, against my will. My little brother, also unzipped, was laughing his head off, She did not get him.

Another story of an LOL "caring": I was in a pizza store, and a kid not more than 12, was sitting alone. There were no open seats available when a (you guessed it) LOL walks in. She ends up sitting next to the kid (He is Jewish). As politely as the kid was, he could not have escaped what was about to happen. The LOL is talking about her life, and somewher in the middle she says "you are such a nice young man for speaking with an old lady like me" (something of that sort). She seemed to want notify everyone around her, of that fact. Then the kid wished to leave, for fear of more an embarrasment. She say this next line twice, once louder than the other, so the whole store can hear. She says to him " You can tell your mother, you were speaking with a girl..... whose old enough to be you grandmother" (read once again, just louder). The kid got really red. LOL's are just something you need to keep children away from.

You have everyright to dissagree with some of my thoughts, I am just throwing them out there (I might argue back).

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A RANDOMNESS COLLABORATION

1) The great rabbis of our time, who put out letters against lipa and others, have decided to put out a letter against racist comments on Obama and others (did I just compare Lipa to Obama?). Obviously its getting way out of hand.

2) Why is that most rabbis are fat? I just noticed, that for some reason they just are. I find it funnier, when they preach about over indulging, when it comes to food. "don't eat that extra piece/slice of kugel, kukish cake, pizza". Gets me thinking "what have they been doing?"

3) I have seen Kosher soap pads. Who needs for the pad to be kosher? I understand soap but whats a soap pad going to be made out of? Synthetics. Oh no! maybe the steel wool grew on a non kosher animal; that's why you need an certified OU (others hechsheirim also included) on it. here is a picture.

Got any other randomness out there.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

KILL THE RABBI AND ANYONE WHO DEFENDS HIM

I have read this post recently and I am mortified by our community. At first Dov Hikind came out with it. Then he hired Rabbi Twerski, who resigned due to threats on his family. Another rabbi went as far as to make a hot line for people. He got treated with threatening phone calls and a paper, signed by a rabbinical authority, telling people to call him a liar.

The proof is there, people will do these intolerable acts. Why dont people want to destroy their names? look at what they are doing. Its all because people say "he comes from such a choshov family you cant do that to him". I am pissed off that people can be so stupid. What happens if the person comes after your child next? what would you do then?

Im done steaming off, few things get me as frustrated.

Monday, November 17, 2008

WHY SO MEAN?!

Today I was running a little late. I rushed out of the building as fast as I could. I went to the spot, where I would wait for my ride. I looked around and noticed it had left. Shoots!. So I go back to the building, hoping a nice frum Jew will gladly take me to my destination. I see a guy come out and I ask him if he is going to flatbush (Midwood). He tells me "no". This goes on for quite a while. One guy said "no but its on my way", and then didn't let me hop on in. Chutzpah.

After, a nice frum Jew I knew let me in; I came to the realization that, Frummies are not nice people. I had known this beforehand, but now it has became an instinct. I have written about frummies saying derogatory slurs against other races, but now its even their own race (not the derogatory slurs). I am lost upon all this confusion, whether to trust frummies, or not to. To think like how I grew up, or to except the recent events as normal. Some guidance could do.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

SO YOU WANT TO START A KOSHER BUSINESS

So you have came up with your new "best idea ever". Your "new best idea ever" is to start a kosher business. Your reasons: 1) Prove everyone it is the "best idea ever". 2) to prove it to yourself. 3) To make some money.

You start out looking for a lone from a bank. You get a generous offer and will pay back in 10 years. You look for a place in the back country to open up the factory. You find a nice place in the Midwest. You start out with hiring. You pick up some good workers and offer them a nice pay, teach them the safety rules, and move on with your "best idea ever".

Year 1. You are just starting out. The other companies are just to good. You have ideas to catch up with them. Overall things are going well. Mid. first year. You are getting noticed by the New York area. Other companies are thinking of you as a threat.

Year 2. The competition is still out there. All you need to do is just have an edge. A strike of brilliance has occurred. You could lower your prices, make it better or, have some useless toy to go with. You decide to go with the cheapening of the prices and the junk toy to go with the candy (Hey, I haven't even mentioned what your company does till here). But how to cheapen the prices? Another stroke of genius. You decide to look in "Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem (dummies)". You decide to hire underage workers. You allow the minors to enter the workforce, for a lower than minimum wage; then you will be able to sell for less, and have the edge you need. Instantly your company has succeeded. You give thanks to "Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem".

Year 3,4,5. Now you are able to brag to you friends and family that, your best idea ever was the "best idea ever". they don't agree, and say "It was your best idea ever not the best idea ever". You don't care, you have sole power of the kosher candy kingdom. You admire the fact, that all the candy men of every shul need to buy from you. You are asked to give a sizable amount of money to charities, such as; Lev La'achim, Chai lifeline and many more such. No one knows that that, was all ma'aser money. You are part of the elite Jewish monopoly owners, such as; Artscroll, Rubashkins and many more such. You have gained respect. You have paid back the bank loan early.

Year 6,7,8. You look at your vast Kosher candy empire and see it as too small. You decide to go worldwide. You wish to take a big loan from the bank. They are reluctant to give that big of an amount. You show them false records indicating an able payback. You are sure you can payback. You have now run in with a problem, countries you want to sell it to have tariffs. So to keep up with those companies you decide, to do what you did last time, to lower prices. You need a foolproof method. The same stroke of brilliance or, was it genius, has come around again. You hire a bunch of Mexicans, almost 400 undocumented workers, to help out. You fire most of the staff who earns more then minimum wage. You don't teach the undocumented workers any safety, since who cares if they lose an arm they cant sue, or they risk being deported. Now you can compete with foreign candy companies.

Year 9. After many years of the health department keeping you in business; for some odd reason they started checking up on you more closely. Reports of beaten workers came across the board. you deny it, and then beat the workers for squealing. kidding. You give them lower wages. PETA is now onto you, why, you do not know. Is it because of the animal crackers? Then the FBI is seriously checking up on you. Next days headlines show " a meth lab in (insert your company name here)" You had absolutely no clue, or did you ( suspicious).

You are going out of your mind. Soon all your workers are being deported. The bank is demanding its money, and bringing the fake documents you used to prove you will be able to pay, and comparing it to your real ones. Your "best idea ever" is about to turn to worst. With no other choice you deny everything. Your family and friends take away your bragging rights you had in year 3,4,5. The respect you had in those years are all gone. Some are still rooting for you and claiming its all antisemitism. You are doomed hopefully you get 50 years in jail.

Year 1-50 in jail. You look back and think "maybe I should have read more from Jewish business for Am ha'aratzem". Too bad, to late.

If you didn't get the story yet, its a spoof on Agri processors. Hope you enjoyed, because everything got erased halfway through and now I am happy I finished.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

THE PRAYER BOOTH

The Prayer booth is a new concept for the non Jewish world. It started as just an idea by one guy and now has been installed in New York City. At first I thought it was a joke. Then I saw the pictures and was shocked to see it even had a pull out kneeler. For us Jews this is a pointless invention. In fact we really started this idea going way back to the creation of phone booths and davening mincha in them. The only way this could ever beat the modern day phone booth is for it to have a pull out shtender or maybe a spare hat and jacket.

You probably wont even be able to use it because the Muslims will be in it 5 times a day. If you were Christian could you use it as a way to get out of church? Halachicly will you be able to use it? Do you need to put in 50 cents? If you are taking a long Shmona Esray will it tell you to deposit 25 cents for another 2 minutes? One last thing. Imagine your walking and you notice a Muslim walk into one and start kneeling down. Would you not think he is weird to be just kneeling in public? I don't think this concept will catch on and its going to become a spot for the homless to sleep (with the kneeler as a bed). Here is some pictures.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

ARE YOU A PROUD RACIST?

Hopefully you are not a racist and especially not a proud racist. If you are one at least try to hide it. There are so many frum Jews that tell me straight out "I am a racist and I am proud of it". Their reasons are of course related to our president elect Barack Obama. I was sickened to hear that some people can actually just start using the N**** word so loosely. People who would be disgusted with being called a K***, couldn't care less of discriminating another race. The same people who are being discriminated every day and are hated by all. Can they actually feel the right to do the same to others?

I always knew us Jews as whole respected all colors of people except just a few of us. Now my vision has changed. It is now "us Jews as a whole are proud racists except a few". One proud racist told me "I guess you are against most Jews because most are racist". I asked the proud racist "don't you know that everyone has a Tzelem Elokim. How could you discriminate them?" (reflection of g-d) to which he had answered "G-d isn't black"

I hate racist Jews and especially the one who is proud of his sick ways. I am disgusted.

Monday, November 10, 2008

PARKING IN BROOKLYN. AH CHUTZPA.

Do not attempt. Trying to park in Brooklyn (mainly the Jewish areas Midwood, Borough Park) is a painful experience. There is only one worse than trying to find parking on a regular day and that is trying to find parking on a Friday.

You try finding parking on "J" in Midwood. Highly unlikely unless you come between the hours of 3-6 AM. Not only you cant find parking but you can hardly drive through "J". With the B11 and B6 coming through all the time and the usual double parked Coca Cola or Pepsi truck it makes it a really hard avenue. So in the case you see a spot across the street open up, you aren't going to get it. Oh and none of the stores on "J" have Valet Parking.

Ave. "M" is not as bad as "J". Especially now that Glatt Mart has gotten Valet Parking. But as G-d giveth G-d taketh so now Mountain fruit which had a parking lot, lost its privilege. A funny thing about Mountain fruit is that they also had valet parking. Now that they don't have the parking lot, all the Mexicans who parked the cars previously, are now are just sitting around and be paid for it (very little of course). So all of ave. "M" is really crowded and there is hardly any place to park.

If I do find a place to park I keep to it and wont move until I am done shopping on that avenue. Many times I have to put bags into the car and everyone thinks I am getting out of the spot. So I have to tell them "I am not getting out just putting some groceries in the car". They then look at me as if I am doing something illegal and they move on. If you do see a spot open in back of you, hurry in reverse to get to the spot. I almost ran over a lady like this (sorry).

My block is also the worst thing to try to park on. I have to go around the block 5 times at least before a spot opens up. I also have people who take up two spots instead of being considerate and parking like humans. Its horrible out there. You want to hear some real Chutzpa, take this story.

I was on Coney Island avenue and was trying to get into the Buzz. So I see a car pulling out and I move ahead to do some parallel parking. The spot behind this car pulling out was a pump. So I am about to back in when a Chossid in a minivan zooms into my spot through the empty pump area. I was about to get out of my car and give this guy a handful. Then a spot in front the Chossid opens. So I say "well at least there is another spot, forget the Chossid". You will never believe what he does next. After I moved up to do the parallel parking (again) he drives into the spot I was going to go in. So he cuts me twice. Now I was ready to give it to him. So I pull into the spot he just left open between the pump and him. So I get out of my car and I say "what was that for?!!!" (here is the punchline) He tells me as his excuse "My wife just had a baby". WTF!!! so your wife just had a baby. What am I supposed to say Mazal Tov why did you cut me off? Talk about Chutzpa.

Like I said before. Do not attempt parking in Brooklyn. Take mass transit.