Sunday, December 5, 2010

Rating The Midwood Bakeries Again

I came back to write this post since I assumed you all loved reading my adventures from bakery to bakery enjoy the post.

Yes once again I'm rating the bakeries of Midwood (see how I just rephrased the title). I pay the price so you don't get it wrong when it comes to your big event, and the only job you had to do was bring the Sufganiot (Israeli styled jelly doughnuts). This year has been a little tough on my taste buds with two place that Ive never tried both being disappointments.

Rose Bakery on kingshighway and east 7Th (not to be confused with the kingshighway bakery on kingshighway and east 4Th which is heavenly) was one of those disappointments. At a dollar a piece this sufgania had a bland tasting dough, with literally a teaspoon of jelly in the middle. The official rating from 1 out of 10 is a four (that's right my ratings are copyright).

The next failure was so bad that I couldn't bring myself to finish the sufgania. Now I have been from Boro Park to the deepest parts of Midwood and there hasn't been one place that I couldn't finish the jelly filled delicacy, but VENETIAN KOSHER SWEETS on the corner of N and Coney Island avenue, you took that away from me today. It was simply so bad that my whole family left it in disgust. The jelly tasted like some weird thick concoction and the dough itself was bland. At a dollar fifty a piece this place makes Rose Bakery look great. The official rating is 1 don't go near this, you've been warned.

Happy Hanuka to all, now I'm going to scrape the taste off my tongue with some home made latkes.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Its not Purim without my pressidor wafers

I thought I didn't leave anything for me to write about Purim this year after last year with my full week of Purim posts, turns out you never really know. I'm linking to last years posts if you missed it or want to remember it, yes Ive been around long enough to link to old posts.

Well I wrote about Purim themes and and costumes all very nice, but the truth is I don't like themes at all, too much effort has to go into it and I'm more of a traditional shaloch manot giver. I hate it when my family makes themes, for example: orange and red was one theme and everyone thought it was fire, or the time we went all natural and people were really confused. That's really why I don't like themes bad experiences with them and my liking of traditional ways intertwined. My idea of Shaloch manot is just giving a big box of Pressidors wafers and a bottle of grape juice, actually I'm craving some of that right now.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time and effort that's put into a theme, one guy gave me a stimulus package last year with a money sign on the front of the bag really funny. The best theme Ive ever seen was Drunkin Donuts the guy made a box that looked like a real dunkin donuts box and I think it cost a lot to make, still pretty impressive, and I made sure to aprreciate it in my spare time. Ill stick to my tradition which I'm very happy with, and who doesn't want a box of pressidor wafers, you cant say no it just not purim without pressidor wafers.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


You think that you know it all, the whole Purim story, since you've been in kindergarten. You read the little medrash says when you were younger and you read let my nation live, but you really don't know anything. let me tell what really happened.

Lets start from once Esther became queen. Mordechai sat outside the kings palace. This is a shanda said all the rabbonim, how could a tzaddik sit outside the kings palace and not in a beis medrash learning, doesn't he know that outside the koislei beis medrash there is tons of pritzus, especially near the kings palace. Mordechai was banned from the community, but he was re accepted when he didn't bow down to wicked man Haman. The rabbonim of Persia also didn't like that a yiddishe maidel like Esther married a goy, and the shadchan really didn't know what to say about her children once they were ready get married.

Then Mordechai saved the kings life, a major uproar in the Persian Jewish community happened, how could Mordechai save a rasha. Countless bans went up on Persian yeshivah World News, and the comments written in cuneiform blasted Mordechai for such an act. When Haman put out his plan to exterminate the Jews the Kanoim of the generation blamed it on the lack of tznius in the persian empire, not the fact that the people strayed from the path, strict laws of wearing only black in the dessert countries were implemented by many of the Yihudim.

Then came the night the king couldn't fall asleep and Haman unexpectedly showed up to tell the king what should be done to the man the king wishes to honor. Turned out Mordechai, the one the Jews were blasting at the time, was going to pulled around by the wicked man Haman, thanks to Hamans suggestion, on the kings horse none the less, which is like pulling up in the modern day Cadillac Escalade. The Jews of Shushan decided to riot, they weren't going to let a parade of any kind, its a toeivah. As the horse was being drawn around town the Jews lit garbage's on fire and were pouring acid on anything not tznius.
at one point the Jews threw the flaming garbage on Haman, it got confused up with his daughter throwing it in the story through some gematria, don't know how that one goes.

From that point on the stories a blurr, but you can see all the points your little medrash forgot to tell you, so when you read the megillah try and remember that the world then wasn't so different from ours today, or there is no moral to this post and forget that last line.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Shidduch Crisis

This is an email forwarded to me, it may be a little over the top but enjoy.

Ich zug dir, I'm really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one's
bashert in today's society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls
to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me - but so many of them
tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they
can't think of anyone for me, they're too busy with other things Even when
they do find a few free moments to 'red' me a shidduch, they just never come
up with anything decent! It's a shanda, I tell you.

No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!

I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.

I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the

Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv
out there for us future mother in laws.

I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know
what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does
he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really
needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:

"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."

"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"


"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger
than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."

"Oh, well I don't know "

"And how tall is she?"

"Oh, she's average hei-"

"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone
shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5.
She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So
this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be

"Ok. I just-"

"What does she look like?"

"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."

"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching
pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my
son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"

"This girl is pretty."

"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"

"Yes, she's very-"

"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my
Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle
snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about
everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a
good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't
be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the
table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks
into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"

"No, I'm not sure I-"

"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son
doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the
first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in
kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply
refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's
partial to BMW's."

"Oh. I didn't-"

"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone
who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned
out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large
family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child,
nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY
child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so
my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third
child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."

"Actually, she's-"

"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would
never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations
back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to
witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And
we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."

"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"

"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."

"You do?"

"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could
possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished
getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her
family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably
feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're
probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha
of Shabbos as much as they should."

"Well then, what should they eat on?"

"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl
quiet, or is she loud?"

"She's not too quiet"

"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's
a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way
out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all
throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get
her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."

"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"

"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have
any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"

"Of course not, she's-"

"What will she wear on her head?"

"Excuse me?"

"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel?
Which is it?"

"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"

"Regular? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head
tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,'
'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or
a rebbetzin?"

"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas
middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's
just a good gir-"

"Did she go to camp?"

"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed

"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too
attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have
some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors
to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with
a girl who hasn't been to camp."

"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"

"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right
these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with
any girl who hasn't been to-"

"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to
work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone
for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your

Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Frummie Love Story part IX: The cure is in the sickness

The confusion settled in with Chana as to what Yitzchak would think of her. She felt to afraid to go out with someone who she herself didn't have an opinion of, or maybe it would help once she got to know him, this only added to the confusion. She was afraid to think one way more than the other for fear of herself plunging into the wrong direction, she needed a fresh look at things.

It just so happened to be that Chanas mother, Penina, had too much of her daughter waiting around for mashiach to come till she gets married, and instead made shidduch date for Chana herself. Penina was worried her daughter couldn't choose any boy, she wouldn't even take the nice boy from the Silberberg family down the street. After the last talk about it they had she needed to take action while her daughter was "hanging out" with friends and not caring (actually she was looking for a bochur using shadchan detective methods).

It was like getting married with a shotgun on your back, that's how Chana felt when she heard her mother set her up to go out with boy that night. A very forced feeling and very uneasy one; she was not coming out of it with a good feeling. She didn't know what to expect from who her mother set her up with, she just thought the worst. What was her mother doing behind her back anyway? Too many things and too little time to get ready.

The boy stopped in front of the house at about 8. She walked from the house to the yeshivish car alone, the boy didn't even open up the door for her to get in, it was already a lost case. They went to some place like On The Grill. The conversation was mild to none, Chana already made up her mind that this guy isn't for her, she reaches into her bag, maybe she'll be able to call this one off within an hour and a half. She checks to see what time it is while he tells her some gemara he just learnt, its only 8:53, and....... wait its Chanas Birthday too! "Awe shoot it!" is what came to mind "What a great way to start her 22nd year and embracing old age".

She dragged through the remainder of her date, only to come home to a mother waiting to hear how it went. She lied and said it went well and that she was happy her mother cared for her. Her head was clear after the date, it was like a cup of water thrown in her face. She realized that she might be closer to her mother if she kept up the good attitude, and that she needs to be more decisive when it comes to dates, it either works or doesn't that's what blind dates are for. Maybe the date with random bochur wasn't that bad after all. So Chana decided and a call to the "shadchan" tomorrow was on its way.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Its a large world out there

You know that saying "its a small world after all" well its wrong. The world is a large place full of things to do and people to meet, and I don't need some guy I just met to tell me its a small world after hearing we know the same people, dude its a small frummie world not a small everyone world..

Yes its a large world, and I was living it for the past week and a half, finding no time to blog at all. A lot has happened since I left, Tu b'shvat came and went, I was planning on writing about how no one really celebrates it and it gets lost in the sphere of influence the next two holidays have. One fact about Tu b'shvat while were in the subject, more people opted to plant a tree in the game of farmville in honor of tu b'shvat this year then really planting a tree.

Also there was an earthquake in Haiti which I did briefly write about, but what I failed to mention is that some Frum Jewish people (not the ones that went to help) are showing signs of joining the JKK or Jew Klux Klan. Its outright disgusting that some people are Happy, that's right, happy about the destruction and death of non Jews who have not wronged them in anyway. I was ready to blow up at some of these people, but its a useless argument they're never gonna get it straight, years of distortion have got them were they are and one rant isn't gonna change it.

Well now that Ive lived life for a week or so its time to hibernate and blog again till some warmer weather comes along, maybe I'll pick up jogging in the morning to keep me going or that groundhog better show up soon..... or not show up, does anybody know which one makes spring come earlier and when is groundhog day?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Another Edition of Mike Tonight

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In frum news, a new wave of people in Israel have been living by segulos for everything they need. They have been reported to "dial a Yeshua" for all their basic needs from the organization called Kupat Ha'ir, and have tried everything else to get help besides pray to g-d for it. As one "Segulaist" said, "Why pray when a rabbi can promise you anything, think of it as a genie with a beard".

Although not everybody is happy with this lack of faith in g-d. Many are disgusted that the more radical Segulaists don't even attend shul anymore. Others are more disgusted that people wont use shadchans anymore and rather rely on a segula to get married instead. One shadchan poured out her heart to us "(sob) its just.... its just that I love manipulating people into going out with each other (choke, sob) why wont they let me continue (sob) lets just ban segulos".

In a even more recent report, the Segulaists have pretty much broken off from mainstream orthodoxy, and even have cult like behaviors. Just this past motzei shabbos they had a gathering in the forest of Jerusalem behind yad v'shem. We had are very own David Spiegler there to report the story. David Spiegler: "Yes Mike, as you can see (no you cant this is bloggeradio) behind me there are havdalah candles lit all over and about 400 people dancing around making Indian noises and showering in the havdalah wine and some even going as far as to wash there clothing in it. To onlookers it seems like a cult ritual that includes immersing in wine, but we spoke to one of the group leaders who organized it and she had this to say".

Group leader Avigayil Sidorov (spoken with a heavy Israeli accent): "We are not a cult of any sort, although it might look like it due to the candles lit and the bathing in havdalah wine, but in actuality we are just performing the well known segula of taking the havdalah wine and putting it on your forehead. Its just that over time people put it on their eyes to purify them and in their pockets so they can get money for the coming week, so we decided to just dip our whole selves in it and we will cover everything, and we wash our clothing in it so we don't miss any pockets or any other segulos".

David Spiegler: Despite their intentions, Mike, it seems like a real cult. Back to you in Midwood I'm David Spiegler.

Me: Thank you David, in other frum news there was an earthquake in Haiti killing 200,000 and leaving many with out homes and others trapped under the rubble.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.
This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).