Things that pissed me off last week.

You may not know it but there were a few things that pissed me off last week, and probably you too. I'm not talking about simple things like, why I cant find a parking spot within a one block radius, or why you cut me off, or even why my thumb cant fit into a normal sized bowling ball, I'm talking about bigger things that haven't only affected me.

I got pissed off last week when I heard that a bunch of Jews decided to do some stealing and tax evasion. Ive been saying it for a long time, the last thing we need is a chilul hashem and yet there they go. "But wait you're allowed to steal to support Torah, right? so they did nothing wrong" said a commenter of yeshiva world news, but the answer is no you are not allowed to steal for torah, its a mitzvah that came through an aveirah (which is an aveirah if you didn't know). And you know what I think? I think that they should all go to jail and serve their sentence because they deserve it, and I wont be like another commenter that said they should have their trial in the month of adar and not av, because av is a bad month for Jews and having the trial now will cause them to lose the trial. So why did it piss me off? it didn't affect me? Ill answer that with a question, "did you get pissed of at madoff and his scandal?" the answer is yes, same here.

Another thing that pissed me off this week was a letter printed in the mishpachah magazine. It was condemning Reb Elyashiv for praying for gilad shalit. I know this is hard to hear for all of you that joined groups on Facebook and twitter in support of gilad but the person writing it said that he thinks it's wrong to pray for him to be released, because Israel will give up many captured terrorists in exchange for him. For the person who decided to write that letter to mishpachah I have two things to say; one is, if you were gilad you wouldn't be thinking that way, and two is that one Jewish life is priceless and it doesn't matter how many terrorists you give up (although we try to lessen the amount).

Yeah those were the things that pissed me off last week, cant see who it wouldn't. On a side note have an easy and meaningful fast.

A NEW BREED ARISES (evolution?)

The creature named Shul Shusher (or in Latin Synagogue Shushisis) is a staple in every shul, from big ones in Manhattan to the small basement shtiebel in Monsey. The shusher doesn't always accomplish their self imposed job, hence they keep on shushing. The life of a shusher is not a fun one, everyone hates you till you let them talk, even the kids hate you (just let them run in the halls will you), plus you seem to spit to often. But in some shuls there is a new type of shusher arising.

This new type of shusher, a more rowdy type, one that is more inclined throw a punch or two just to get you to shut up, is what we are dealing with. They are called the SHHHH I'm Trying To Talk To Someone Shusher, or SITTTTSS for short (the Latin name hasn't come in yet). These creatures love talking so much they make others quiet down so they can hear who they are talking to, just goes to show what kind of shuls they live in.

I myself have abandoned a few shuls due to the infestation, animal control isnt helping and Peta wont let me call the exterminator. But there is hope, they are searching for a species that will counteract the new breed and contain it.

Most experts believe the evolution of this once simple shushing creature is due to a mass of talkers concentrated in one area of a shul, thus drowning out any other noise and sometimes their own. This then irritates the talkers causing them to become more violent and turning them into SITTTTSS's. Others argue and claim they are of a totally different breed. A more recent study done by the "professors" at VIN teamed up with "scientists" from YWN , have attributed this new breed to the lack of tznius in the communities. Although there is no evidence to support their claims, VIN and YWN hold to it strongly.

Whatever the cause maybe, I really don't like being threatened by shushers and rather have them just say SHHHHH and spit on themselves while doing it.

GOOSEBUMPS: MY BAR MITZVAH IN PRISON

Yes, we all remember the hit book series I never read, Goosebumps. Goosebumps was a supposed to be a very scary book, but it basically was freaky stories about weird washing machine monsters and changing bodies with a killer santa (okay I read 2). Why do I bring this old book into topic? because it must be a nightmare for the kid whose Bar mitzvah was in a prison, just like the book would write it out. Imagine what the kid is going to remember, a Bar mitzvah in jail with a bunch of convicts waiting next door, all because his father was arrested (who knows why he was arrested), and then your bar mitzvah is published about in the New York times, oh! and Yakkov shwekey famous Jewish singer sang for you (not the bad part). That's a horrible Bar mitzvah ain't it? unless you wanted it to be memorable.

Now there are hilachic issues that come with making a bar mitzvah in jail, and they don't only pertain to chilul hashem. One is the halachah of bringing a Sefer Torah to people in jail, you aren't allowed to even for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, the reason being that its a disgrace for the Torah to come to you and you not go to it. This can be applied to a Bar mitzvah, the Bar mitzvah shouldn't be brought to someone in jail along with 60 other people, its not respectful. And if that ain't enough, than at the bar mitzvah the one who is being honored (bar mitzvah boy) usually says a D'var Torah which should not be brought to the jail for one person but; rather, the one person should be brought to it. And if for some reason you don't agree with this past paragraph, that I put so much effort into writing (shame on you), then you can always resort to chilul hashem, and it will still be deemed halachicly wrong. This seems like a good question for the rabbi who allowed this, why did you allow it?

Theres your lesson people, don't make a bar mitzvah in jail or you will bashed for every reason possible. People will be calling it despicable, and posts will line every blog about why you aren't you ashamed. And what a nightmare it will be for your son, like straight out of a goosebumps book.

TWO STATE PLAN

Ever since Clinton there has been the "need" for a two state plan. They invented the road map to make it happen, if you don't know what that is its basically an idea to cut Israels small self in half, to make way for another Muslim nation. Ever since that, Israel is called for talks on how to compensate people who want to kill it, Israel gave in sometimes. The problem is that now that the Palestinians have Gaza, and for quite a while, they still cant run it economically, no matter how much money America sends; and yet they are asking for more territory. (Don't think Israel made them take dessert land and fix it up themselves, Israel left them irrigation and green houses to make the dessert flourish, and they threw that all out).

Now Obama is in charge and is pressing Israel to stop settlements, even the ones that are already in place he wont let grow, so that Israel will give it up to the Palestinians. He is really trying to make this two state plan happen, saying that if there are two different paths that two groups want to take, then they should split and divide, and not one conquer the other. The thing is that America itself didn't do that; during the civil war the north didn't let the south secede from the union, it fought until the south gave in (with comparisons like these I can write for the Jewish press).

Israel shouldn't listen to a country that's being hypocritical? Israel shouldn't give up its own land, just because a terrorist country that cant control itself economically said so? And the worst thing is, Israel is listening anyway.

DID THE TABLES TURN OR DID I JUST SWITCH SIDES?

For a little over a year strawberries have been banned, due to infestation. I have always liked strawberries, but now I have to eat their cousins the kiwi, who is not as good. The strawberry saw itself drop from the markets, no more shmorgs with the strawberry salads, no more weddings with strawberries going untouched, the strawberry era had died.

That was until recently, when an unlocal Israeli rabbi supposedly lifted the ban. I was shocked, "are the tables turning" I thought to myself "could it be that after 7 years of chumros, will come the 7 years of heterim?" I dreamt. Then VIN interpreted the Rabbis words. The Rabbi meant that, if there were worms that were invisible to the naked eye then you can eat the strawberry (then yosef was appointed to viceroy). Who in the world makes a mistake between visible worms and invisible worms! and if the worms are visible youre still not allowed to eat them, no matter what the rabbi says. Im not getting how someone can make such a mistake.

So when I thought the tables had turned, they didn't, and I was only fooled that they did, it was an optical illusion (or they turned invisible who really knows?). Well, now I cant wait for the next chumrah (Yaakov please come and end this 5 years early).

AN ALMOST TRUE NEWS REPORT

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In recent news such sites like Vos iz neias and Yeshivah world, have been banned by local authorities. Until recently, reports were unclear as to why the sites were closed down, due to the fact that we get our news from these sites. But in an exclusive interview with an anonymous rabbi, we made the unclear, clear. "To have a yiddishe owned site is a chilul hashem, what will the goyim say if they found out we were using their Internet? nu? and all de machloikesim these sites create is anti yiddishkeit. They are constantly coming up with new halchos in their coffee rooms. I don't even understand how you can have a coffee room in the Internet? who supplies it?" said the anonymous rabbi.

Our very own David Spiegler, is out in the streets giving us live feed from everyday people. David: "Yes Mike, as you can tell this was a big shock to the local Jewish community. It seems to me that we have some very mixed opinions about this recent event. Everyday person: "Its about time they shut down some treife sites like these, anything we do to pure ourselves of sites like these is hashems will". "While another person, Mike, had some other ideas". Other person: "Why would the rabbonim ban such a site? I was commenting on YWN and preaching how we should listen to the rabbonim with no questions asked, but why did they close the site? it was kuloi toirah". (David asking other person) "Do you think that YWN created machloikisim between yidden?". Other person: "Of course it did, who did you think I was yelling at in the coffee room? only the non believers who believe its okay to be commenting on the Internet". David Spiegler: "As you can see some of the views of the people are confusing, as seen with the last one interviewed".

Thank you David. There is yet to be a comment made by the creaters of the sites There are a minority of Rabbis who suggest that they allow the sites to remain open, because they are afraid of the other places the people will get their news from.

I am Mike in M. and good night. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (background music).

THEY WERE RIGHT

Today I decided to visit the infamous coffee room of YWN, for the very first time. I knew I would find something interesting. The commenter Pashuteh Yid is highlighted in red.

"Slits being a problem has no basis in halacha. The requirement is that the knees and above be covered at all times. Most people feel that you need an extra few inches so that the knees are covered when sitting, as well. So any slit that ends 3 inches below the knees is totally fine, as the entire skirt could end there. Anyting you do below the 3 inch line is OK. You can have a slit, you can have elaborate cutouts, you can eliminate everything, you can cover down to your toes, you can embroider a picture of your dog, whatever you do is fine, as long as everything is covered above the 3 inch point.
We have enough halachas, why invent new ones? "

I do like his last sentence, pretty smart. The next commenter, Why do I even bother (his name), is highlighted in maroon.

"Pashuteh Yid, I will let the others jump down your throat, but I do have to say that your comment is one of the dumbest, narrow minded comments I have read. Most people at least say that "My rav told me this" or "In my community this is acceptable". You just went and paskened your (wrong) opinion..."

I love what this guy wrote, he actually wrote one of the dumbest, most narrow minded comments Ive ever read. He actually cares how a person presents his case; rather, than on the facts he states, and he called him wrong, and poshiter yid was clearly right. But not to worry, another comment was made in the coffee room, one that was seen coming for miles, highlighted in orange and written by chuck schwabb (not the company).

"The total lack of tznius today is a terrible machla on us. We need to do a lot to alleviate this tznius crisis. Anything towards that goal, is highly commendable. "

Ahhh.... that was refreshing, I was just itching to hear something like that (what I actually guessed someone would say is "Untznius people are causing the swine flu epidemic, yidden listen to your father in heavens message").

I was told, countless times, that if I checked it out I would find something, turns out they were right. I will now coin a new phrase "Never underestimate the stupidity of a YWN commenter". Good Night.

SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE, I CANT SOLVE THAT PHRASE

We are warned about the shidduch crisis, and all it creates, everyday; whether it be from the yated or mishpachah, the Jewish press, or even our very own Frum Single Female. How many people think they have an answer to it? raise you hands (or press shift on your keyboard 5 times). Well if you are raising your hand or pressed shift 5 times, you made a big mistake (raising your hand is stupid because no one can see through your computer screen, and pressing you shift key that many times will show a sign on your monitor asking you if you want sticky keys).

Reason number one why you made a mistake: The shidduch crisis is based on people. People are human if you didn't know, and humans make mistakes. People make mistakes thinking that, someone who thinks slightly different then them is completely out of the question, and not even worth checking out to see if its a potential marriage. Of course this, as any other human perspective, evolved, it grew from the fact that shadchanim exist. Shadchanim are simply people who tried to fit everyone in a box, if you don't fit into the box you are outside the box, and not worthy enough to be set up with people on the inside of it, simple enough. But the idea expanded, not only did they just make a box, they made it really hard to get into, the slightest of "deficiencies" is going to get you kicked out; if you were once a yeshivah rebel, or you wear blue shirts, or maybe you work, or you have plastic at the shabbos table, if you're a girl you may be to smart, whatever the case maybe your out. Then the idea grew so big it became a crisis within itself, like an epidemic that started out as a flu vaccination, it wasn't originally meant to harm, now everyone is judging who's in this box and in one of three other boxes with every glance, its not just shadchanim. How do you stop an evolving crisis that cant be killed from its source a.k.a. the shadchan, I don't know.

Answer number 2 why you made a mistake: who wants sticky keys anyway? I like mine nice and clean. You shouldnt have pressed shift 5 times just because I said so, I wouldnt have known if you did either way, but if you really think you do have an answer you can leave a comment with your idea.

So the answer is, SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE is not possible, its to complicated and is therefore unsolvable, because if it were to be solved it wouldnt be unsolvable.

KOSHER SITE?

Have you noticed the ads on Vos Iz Neias? lets just say they are getting worse. First it was anti-Zionism and now its pritzus (see where anti-Zionism leads you?). Do you know how many frum Jews visit vos iz neias just to get their news? and they don't want pritzus; that's one reason why they read that site. They don't want to hear 1010 wins, that's not Jewish, and they don't want to read Yeshivah world, because they have biased opinions (that's right it ain't news, its opinions). These people are being exposing others to what they really wanted to filter out, that's hypocritical, they aren't even doing anything about it. I wonder if koshernet will allow you to go to the site now?

I think that their will be an outburst, and a ban on VIN; this will then push frummies to say, "If a kosher site had pritzus, than any can" and that will be it for every kosher site (how will frummies get their news?). I believe this ban will happen in a few months, so watch out.

PESACH CRAZINESS

After seeing this on A mother in Israel, I have decided to post it up, it is found in the Mishpacha magazine. Can you guess how many mistakes, or crazy ideas are in this article?

Sunday. Closets and drawers should be done by now. Focus on the living area. Today, strip beds, vacuum mattresses, wash linens and dust ruffles. Next, vacuum and clean under beds. Daily De-Stressor: Weather permitting, take a ten-minute walk around the block. Breathe in the fresh air. If weather doesn't permit, exercise and energize yourself indoors.

Monday. Window day. Clean all windows and sills thoroughly. If windows have alarms, disconnect the system while cleaning. Take down blinds soak in tub, then rehang. Wash all curtain, shades and window dressings thoroughly. Warning: Don’t take apart window treatments unless you’re sure you can rehang them properly. Daily De-Stressor: A cup of your favorite herbal tea. Inhale the aroma and take your time enjoying every sip. Use this downtime to call a friend, but keep your eyes on the clock.

Tuesday. Now’s the time to wrap up all areas in house aside from the kitchen, living room and dining area. If you have a den, home office, family room, laundry area, guest room, or playroom, clean thoroughly. Daily De-Stressor: Do something that makes you feel good. A bath, a nap, a massage, a sheitel cut. Put on a pretty sweater or enjoy a scoop of your favorite ice cream.

Wednesday. Catch-up day. If you haven’t been able to complete the chores of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, here’s your second chance. Daily De-Stressor: For some it’s Lipa, for others Beethoven. Take a break during your cleaning to listen to a favorite, or keep the CD player on while you work. What a difference it will make!

Thursday. Before Shabbos cooking, take inventory of everything in the cabinets, fridge and freezer. It’s time to use it up. Most of us have extra soups, cakes, desserts, pastas, cereals, mixes, sauces, and all kinds of chometzdike products. Work these into your Shabbos menu. When you finally tackle the kitchen, you’ll be glad you did. Daily De-Stressor: Reading’s the all-time Great Escape. By now, you have probably received next week’s issue of Mishpacha. Put your feet up and enjoy your favorite column.

Congratulate yourself. You’ve accomplished a great deal this week. Finish your Shabbos prep and air out the house. After a week of cleaning, it’s time to let in some fresh air. Daily De-Stressor: Go out. A short visit to a local park, a lake, a favorite bookstore, will do wonders.

If you spotted zero, you are just as crazy as the person who wrote this.
If you spotted 1-3, obviously you werent paying attention when you read it.
If you found 4-6, youre doing okay, but reread it again, its already too many, right?
if you found 7-10, you found a lot, but missing one that I found.
If you got found 11+, you know this persons crazy, if you found more than 11 please tell us what they were.

WHAT AM I? CHAMETZ!

Although the phrase is "what am I? chopped liver", but in the spirit of Pesach we can make some changes. So What am I? chametz! it seems like it from the Mishpacha magazine.

The articles in the Mishpacha, a very frum magazine, this past week have talked about Pesach cleaning. Each and every one of theses articles, from what I've heard, spoke about how the mother/wife of the family has to start picking up the pace to be ready for Pesach. They even gave all sorts of tips or de-stressers, to cope with the cleaning for Pesach. This leads me to believe that Mishapcha magazine is extremely frum.

How come they didn't say anything about the father/husband of the family helping out? I know that today I was scrubbing walls and floors, shaking everything to rid them of chametz. I worked hard, and no! I didn't need any "de-stressers". Does the Mishpacha magazine think that the male of the house doesn't help out? In fact the whole cleaning task is primarily on the male of the house, according to the Jewish law. Great rabbis of the past have done the cleaning without their wives help, for fear of them not doing a good enough job. This allows me to conclude that the Mishpacha magazine is really frum, because they think that they know better than rabbis from 2000 years ago who can bring back the dead. They must know that the husband is in kollel learning and too busy to help out; therefore, they only write the articles for the wife.

If you read Mishpacha (I dont), and you are wondering like me why they only talk about the wife, then you are not frum enough to read the Mishpacha. So yes I conclude, I am "chametz" according to the Mishpacha magazine.

OH NO ITS COMING, AT THE WORST TIME!!!

Everybody quick, run, jump, hide, PESACH 09 is coming!! Everyone has no clue how it came so quickly this year, and what bad timing it has.


After learning that Purim does in fact come before Pesach this year, as in many other years, you can only wonder, WHY? Let me explain why we ask why; Purim has come and you gave everybody mishloach manot and they gave back, now you have tons of chametz laying around the house, and Pesach is coming in a month!! Why does Purim come right before Pesach?Explained.

I think Pesach has the worst timing possible; you have to prepare months before hand, and Purim is right in the middle of it. Well, the Talmud argues with me and says Passover comes at the best time of year, spring, and the Talmud is right (in affect that means The Talmudist is right too, somehow). To that I have two things to say: one is I am wrong and Purim is the one that should be moved earlier on the calendar instead, or, the Talmud only referred to the Egypt-Israel area (I am liking the last one) and everywhere else Peasch should be moved.

Since we confirmed this to be true, Purim before Pesach, and they arent moving (yet), there is only one good option, WE ALL GO SOMEWHERE REALLY EXPENSIVE FOR PESACH, AND LEAVE THE CHAMETZ BEHIND. 3 reasons why, one we are putting money back into the economy, 2) we are escaping all the chametz and 3) All the ads in the Jewish newspapers are practically begging us to for the last 3 months. Who's with me? anybody?....anybody?...... how about you, no? okay...... anybody?

PESACH HAS COME BEFORE PURIM THIS YEAR

Purim is almost here, and Pesach is right behind, or is it? I look at the calendar and see; Rosh hashanah (head of the year), Yom kippur, Succoth, Chanukah, Tu Beshvat, Purim, and then Pesach (see Purim comes before). In fact not only does it just look like it goes in that order from the calendar, I actually celebrate it first too. So now I (emphasis on the I) know that Purim is first, but some people don't. Who you might ask, why its the Jewish press that doesn't know this.

Wait how could the Jewish press not know when Pesach is, don't they have a timeline column, of course they know that Purim is before Pesach. So I ask you, "Why have the Pesach ads been coming in since after Chanukkah, and the Purim ads starting two weeks ago?" obviously Pesach is before hand.

Did you know that there were 31 ads for Pesach in the Jewish presss last week; Hotels, Cruises (Kosherica), trips to Israel, while the Purim ads were less in number. Hey, this is all before Purim, after Purim there is going to more room for Pesach ads. I don't even understand how all these different ideas for Pesach are going to make money, the supply is way more than the demand, nu how many people go on a cruise for Pesach?

So in conclusion Purim is coming before Pesach, as usual, but for the consumer mind, it doesn't seem like it is.

THE EVENT

That's right, I finally got around to writing about THE EVENT. So once again the famed Lipa Shmeltzer is going at it again, with his new event, "The Event". I have just a few questions. The Event sounds a little weird, don't ya think. I understand Big Event, its just one of the big events going on in the world. But The Event? that seems very in your face, as in the only event worth going to all year, is the super bowl not an event enough to be THE EVENT?

I would buy tickets to go, but I am afraid I wont get my moneys worth. Let me explain. Whats stopping it from being banned like the BIG EVENT? Is there anything different than the last one? Its in the same place, and almost on the same date. The rabbanim (or frum Mafia) will somehow put a stop to it, and then I will lose my money. Or does the fact that he named his last album Poshiter Yid make him all humble, and then his event wont be canceled.

No one really knows why his big event last year was canceled. It was in the paper for the next few weeks on why the rabbanim banned him. Something about fake signatures, or not knowing at all about what they were signing, and there was supposed to be a meeting to discuss it, which never ended up happening, and it was banned anyway. Some say the secret Frum Mafia got behind it, and put a stop to him for an unknown reason (did he not want to give them a 25% cut?). Who's to say it wont happen again; therefore, I am not going to buy a ticket to his concert.

What ever the case maybe, I think that Lipa made the wrong choice about making another EVENT. I also think that he made a bad choice with the name he picked for it, but Lipa is Lipa and it somehow all works out the Lipa way.

ANOTHER GREAT STORY

After reading this wonderful story, about a Jew who was afraid of too many "Arab types" (whats their crime? too much clothes?) on his plane from Turkey to New York and delayed the flight for 2 hours while everyone was inspected (he got kicked off the flight), I was truly "inspired" by this idiot.

So what do you expect when you are flying from Turkey? for everyone to look like chassidim? of course their are going to be "Arab types". If this guy was so afraid of the arab types, then why is he in turkey in the first place? And stop hiding your real thoughts, we know you're afraid because you think they are going to blow up[the plane, say the truth. Then there is the question of Chilul Hashem, and the ever increasing anti-semitism, that this causes. The guys an idiot.

Imagine if you are on a plane flying from JFK to Tel Aviv, and there is this "arab type" on the plane. He complains about to many "Jewish type" people on board. He makes everyone get off, inspected, and 2 hours later you can fly. Would you not say "what kind of moron gets on a plane with jews, if he fears them? Is this jewish man on flight from turkey any different? No, and thats why he should...... I dont know what he should, but its stupid to do what he did.

My favorite part of this news article was the comments, people actually defended him. This is only possible on vos iz neias and YWN.

P.S. You can see I am running out of ideas to post Dont worry, I will get more ideas. For as long as the Jewish world gets more ideas, the more there is to post about, and they are due for another one right about now.

WHY I DONT READ THE YATED

The Yated Ne'eman is a Jewish newspaper (more like opinion paper). I do not like to read it. After reading their last article, I was a bit confused at what they were trying to point out. They wrote how everybody is all pro Palestinian, then they start to show how everyone isn't blaming Israel for the latest conflict. They did the latter in an effort to show Palestinians are the wrong ones, and yet they contradict what they wrote before. Is there any real newspaper that does that?

Then comes my next reason, I love this one. The great Yated did not even remotely differ between Palestinians and Hamas. They said " The Palestinian people have pushed Israel over the limit, and they shall get their reward". Although I agree that many Palestinians don't like Israel, but it isn't any random gaza citizen that shot missiles and that's who Israel is fighting against ( though they dont always portray themselves as part of the group), it was an organized group called ( and the yated may not know this) HAMAS. This new found organization, according to the yated is new, is responsible for the attacks; and if you didn't know there is another Palestinian group Israel is not fighting against, Fatah. So don't start writing that its Palestinians who we want dead, because most of them are cowering under their beds for something Hamas caused, and Israel is only targeting Hamas not all Palestinians, don't write "The Palestinian people have pushed Israel over the limit, and they shall get their reward".

This is why I don't read the Yated Ne'eman. If you like reading peoples random thoughts, with no basis, and articles that cant keep to a point; then the Yated is for you.

WORLD OF CHUMROS

You wake up to your kosher alarm clock, playing only the most kosher radio. You hit the "I am not a visikin guy" button. A few minutes, later it plays a again, to the tune of Wake Up by Lipa, or is that not frum enough? You press the "I am up for shachris" button. You lean over to your mikveh, beside your bed, and wash your hands. You go to the kitchen, which has your own personal Mashgiach, to make sure all is glatt kosher. You open your refrigerator, and reach for a bottle of Lakewood Orange juice, which is made in Brazil and Florida, but you didn't know that. You step outside your house, walk to the correct part of the street, made just for men.


You notice a woman being beat for walking to her house, which is on the men's side of the street. You say to yourself "she deserves it". You go to your yeshivishe car, where the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn. You turn on the Kosher GPS, to guide you to the kollel. You close your eyes while you drive, for perhaps, you may see a woman on the street. You rely solely on your GPS, to tell you when to turn. You walk into the kollel, and put on your kosher tefillin (we hope its kosher).


You are done shachris. You begin to do, whatever it is you do in kollel, which is nothing. You pull out your kosher phone and start talking to people on it. You wonder, "Could you do anything else with a phone besides talk"? You think "surely not; otherwise, in our advanced society, it would be done". You go out to smoke. You pull out your box of Badaatz certified cigarettes, and enjoy this wonderful life you have.

A person comes over to you. He offers a shidduch, for your daughter. You ask all these weird questions. After you are finished, you decide he is a good match. You reasons to this are; He wants to be supported by me who can hardly support himself, and two, he is a complete copy. of all the other guys around, he must be good.


You are late for the afternoon Hock. You rush, as to not miss all the gossip. You hear in a distance "did you hear what happened to Baruch Chaim's wife? It turns out she got lynched, for being on the wrong side of the street". Next guy says, "That's a shame, its his second wife this week". You pipe in "Yep, well women have to know better". Then a guy says "Did you see what YWN wrote?" You all inquire about, what exactly YWN is. This guy tells you, "Do you have the net". You answer "A fishing net?" "No no no", says the guy "I mean the Internet". You then all learn all about the Internet.


All of a sudden, you are thrown into a vortex of thought. All the things you knew about your life, are flushed down the drain of reality. You ask this person to "hand you the net". He realizes you don't get what it really is. He shows you everything. You were shocked when you found out that, there are actually other civilizations, and not too far away.

You go home. You have a talk with your wife. She says she doesn't believe you. You begin to fight with yourself. "why did my community withhold this knowledge from me? Did they think they cant trust me?" and then "Well I like the fact that, my community cares about me". A bolt of insight hits you. Your phone really can do more than just talk, and why is it that you cant have more money? Also you want to choose your own lifestyle and not be born into one.

You decide, that's it, you are going off the derech. You leave you community (your wife and family didn't come along). You are driving out of town, Wait! there are no roads to out of town, or so says your GPS. You decide to look up when you drive now (a sin that in your old community deserved lynching). You are heading out of town. You find a new community that allows you to have choice. Back in your old place. Your wife and family, are being excluded from the community. If this family can produce such a heretic, then they all don't belong in the community.Oh, and that shidduch you made isn't going to work out.

You finally wake up, from this awful dream you had. You thank G-d that you live in a world, where you can choose the way you wish to serve g-d, and walk on any side of the street you want. You say "Thank g-d I am not (charedi) born into that.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF...

What would happen if the OU would lose its reputation of being a good hechsher? No good they're serving us treif, their rabbis took some bribes and let things slide. Or they didnt checkup on all their company's they watch. Maybe they were lenient to let the company's be able to meet the requirements. Whatever the case maybe what would happen?

At first the newspapers would go crazy about this making it the front page headlines for all except for the Jewish Press which would put something about Israel on the front (or tie it into israel somehow). The Hamodia, Yated and Mishpacha would all write its a "horrible thing to happen its a big disgrace to the Jewish community" and would bash the OU Saying " it was never really any good. The JP would defend the OU " the OU served the community for so long even though this scandal happened and it was a chilul hashem they will come back and fix it to serve the Jewish community once again".

Then onto people. They (we) would all be putting up different sides. One side would say it was all just a few people who were fired for this. The other side condemning anyone who eats OU to hell. Many people will be wondering whats a good hechsher. Some will be forced to have only the strictest of kashrut since the OU was the most lenient they trusted. Some already had the strictest of kashrut and would only want stricter. Others after this episode will only want the strictest, because who can you trust? On the other hand many will say what was wrong with other less stringent Kashrut than the OU before now, so they are still okay after.... right? What will the airlines serve for their Special Kosher Deluxe Meal. Then will come the Bans and chumros which in the end will call for quadrupled filtered lettuce and only Ba'adatz.

Are we not lucky that this didn't and hopefully wont happen? Are we not lucky for the OU is working hard all day to keep things available to us? Are we not? Yes, we are.

Dedicated to the hardworking people at the OU.

WHATS SO BAD ABOUT THE JEWISH PRESS

Really what is wrong with it. I have heard from people that its worse than the daily news. Maybe its those people all supporting the Hamodia and Mishpacha that dont like it. What could be so wrong. Is it the fact that the headlines arent good enough? The headlines arent that good because its always about Israel and there aint that much to write about Israel (OLMERT DOES SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN).

So the headlines arent good is that a reason to say its worse than the daily news. It has some nice articles including the Inquiring photographer which asks people unimportant questions. The Rebbetzin has an article which is talking about the stupidity of visiting day in camps. The funny thing about this article is the people who write in things proving or disaaproving thats its stupid or a stupid question. One guy writes why worry about camp visiting day when there are kassams falling in sderot and the economy is colappsing. To that guy youre an idiot. I'm very sure you fought with someone in shul about opening or closing a window and thats extremely important (sarcasm) . Then there was a Grandmother who was saying that many years ago she had the same problem. The she was complaining more that she had to support her children who were married than about camp visiting day (dont know how that came in).

Ok maybe the last few parts werent that good about the Jewish Press. Well Then there are those psychologist columns that talk about how to handle youre child and many times those are helpful. A lot of cooking columns too. Those two shidduch two articles that talk about some serious issues but are not helping anybody get married. Then theres that Baseball one which is maybe the reason all the yeshivish people dont like the JP. Arnold Fine has a whole page article which I like but read only once in a while.

So there nothing good about the JP but its still better than the Hamodia or Mishpacha.