Eleven because everyone else did 10 and I didn't want to copy them. All these posts where written in the name of Humor.
The first post is a You type post, the kind where I put you as the character and tell you what you think, on the topic of Jewish Geography.
The second post is on the topic of kashruth gone wild where everything gets labeled.
The third post is on February being black history month and I explain why black is such an important color that it gets its own month.
The fourth post(oh, by the way these are in order of the months not which is best) is on the topic of four hashgacha milk, also a you.
The fifth post, unlike the first post which question what is yeshivish, this one delves into how to look yeshivish which is a completely different topic.
The sixth post is a post on frum version of monopoly called kollel-opoly, hey you cant work to win right? so instead you open up yeshivos and kollels.
The seventh post is on the the habit of people writing the number 613 at the end of their e-mail address.
The eighth post is a parody on the famous book Harry Potter called Chaim Snyder, coming to an Eichlers near you.
Tisha Mi Yode'ah, Tisha Ani Yo'dea, Tisha is the ninth post on how to work out the frum way, I even got a link from Heshy Fried for this one.
The tenth post(s) is the series of Frummie Love Story, full edition.
Finally, the Eleventh post I have to say was Merry Nittel Nacht, a fake on a Christmas Carrol written by Charles Dickens.
Enjoy all the posts on 09, and many more to come.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Eleven because everyone else did 10 and I didn't want to copy them. All these posts where written in the name of Humor.
Thought of by Mikeinmidwood at 11:59 PM
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Okay, before I write the 8Th part to this wonderfully long story which has seen its fair share of emotions and Shadchan detectives, I have to wish a great big Mazel Tov to two bloggers who are now engaged to each other, Mak and Child Ish. You might go as far as to call it a real frummie love story in the making and may they build a bayis ne'aman b'yisroel. Aymen, or uhmane, or Ahmen, or even Ooomine if your chassidish.
Shabbos once again came and this time with the amazing feeling of unity that Chana was feeling within herself. She felt that Yitzchak Pomerantz was going to be part of her life, read her Jewish poetry and charm her, and it would be bliss. Just there was one little problem, she still had to go out with him and she didn't feel right asking him directly without a shadchan, and she couldn't use a shadchan because they don't treat Chana as shidduch material (see big problem).
This was all it came to, all her work was stuck at one little road block. She remembered reading somewhere that love conquers all, she thought about the line trying to give it a religious perspective so she would believe in it. Something like if you want something enough hashem will help you, came to her mind.So she had to make a plan that would work, like her somewhat successful plan to help her find out Yitzchoks name. She discussed it with Rifky. They thought about pickup lines, but saying "Wow your hat is just so shtark wanna talk about it over some chalav yisroel coffee" wouldn't work for two reasons. The first being that he would probably be scared off by it, and two its really not the greatest pickup line in the world, sorry to all the frum people who wanted to use it, I suggest not to it wont get you far.
Chana and Rifky decided to say tehillim and hopefully hashem will grant them the idea they need. After two hours and the whole tehillim, they came up with a brilliant plan. They will turn Rifky into a shadchan and she will set them up, thereby nullifying any sort of complication possible, including shidduch resumes with stupid questions.
At the end of the day Chana knew that she was on the right track. But different feelings of doubt arose, "Will he like me?" was her question, "Will he be a nut on dates like some of those freaky stories they sometimes have in the shidduch newspaper articles that's meant for only people in the parsha to read but are really read by everyone?" was another. These thoughts flashed through her mind, and there was a constant battle between what could possibly happen and what she wanted to happen with each side bringing different reasons and logic. For now we leave her in a state of confusion.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Warning: very stereotypical, well the beginning at least.
Tonight is the night that people don't learn but cut up toilet paper, eat Chinese food and watch all the new movies before the Christians can. Its Nittel Nacht, and to go with it a story.
Once upon a time there was an old Jew with a very Jewish nose, reaching about four inches off his face. He was extremely ungenerous to all the Christians who would ask him for charity upon the coming of Nittel Nacht. When he wouldn't give them they would ask "Where is your Nittel Nacht spirit?" which he would answer "Bah, Hanukkah" in a grumpy old voice.
It twas the night of Nittel, and all were not touching the Talmud or any other source of Judaic learning, including the old Jew, Ben Ezra Gold, when came upon the door was Eliyahu Hanavi. The old Jew asked "Who is it that disrupts me while I chop up toilet paper, better not be those stupid carolers. Bah, Hanukkah". Eliyahu answered "It is I the prophet". Eliyahu came to the old Jew to tell him you will be visited by three malachim (angels) tonight. One would be the Malach of what already happened, the next would be the malach of Achshav (hebrew for now), and the next would be the Malach of what will be. The old Jew said to Eliyahu Hanavi "What have I done to deserve such holy treatment?" to which Eliyahu Hanavi answered "Well if you think its holy treatment then I guess they wouldn't be of help too you either way".
So Eliyahu the prophet left the old Jew Ben Ezra Gold, and called off the three malachim, and there never was a whole long journey where he finds out about himself and changes his ways like all the good Nittel Nacht Carols do. Life moved on and the old Jew ate the Chinese food in peace, and stayed grumpy to all the gentile children, and he knew how to keep Nittel Nacht well if any man alive possessed the knowledge to do so for all the years to come.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Over the years KI has made inventions that have astounded the Jewish world. The most famous being the kosher lamp and toilet paper. Some less famous ones include the mitzvah muzzle and lashon hara gag. But there were some ideas that were rejected or just never caught on.
Tznius leg warmers were one of the items that never made it. Being that regular leg warmers resemble pants they decided to make it a one piece that wrapped around both legs instead of two separate ones for two separate feet. It never caught on due to the inability to walk in them.
Purple Ketchup. Who remembers purple ketchup? Yes the KI institution of frumology came up with this one. We know that red is an immodest color. If you like being bleached then hop on over to meah she'arim wearing red, they will be more than happy to shower you in bleach. So instead of the usual immodest ketchup they turned it purple. The purple Ketchup hit its climax when it made its way into McDonald's happy meals. That's when Kosher Innovations decided their product is to kosher to make it to a non-kosher place, and they pulled it from the shelves never to be seen again.
The Umbrella Hat. The hat that could be used for davening and acts as an umbrella when you cant carry one on shabbos. This too never caught on for various reasons that included it looking ridiculous.
The Talis Kattan Bag. "We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item over night. Available with name tags (this is from last years post)". Well as much as they thought it would catch on like the talis bag, it didn't and they aborted this one too.
There are probably many more of inventions like these that I don't know of. They feel rejected and hurt because no one wants them. I'm just voicing them to others out there, because maybe they too will one day become like their role model inventions such as the Kosher Phone, Kosher lamp, Tefillin sweater and others.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.
I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.
Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.
Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.
(and the post takes an unexpected twist)
I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Yesterday I went to the ever so awesome Pita Sababa on kings highway and east 3rd, and just like last year I'm rating their sufganiot a complete ten. There wasn't a lack of jelly, a deep pocket full of it. The jelly wasn't clumped like some other places I went to last night, it was smooth and very tasty. The dough was also very well made. At 1.50 a piece its well worth it.
Pressers on M and east 17, The jelly was clumped, the dough was too chalk like of a texture, a normal amount of jelly considering its small size and only a dollar. I'm rating it a 6 in taste and over all also 6 being that their service was okay and the price of it was fair enough for its size.
Kaffs bakery on East 18 and ave. M. I actually had a nice conversation with the guy at the counter so he gets some points on customer service. It was self service so he gets heimish points too, but that's were it ended. The dough was actually worse then Pressers and the jelly was clumped and not a flowing so well, the pocket was deep enough for me, even if its a smaller sufgania its has to have more jelly, and it was 25 cents more than pressers so they only lose here. I rate it in taste a low five and overall a 6, remember they got extra points back there (well i cant say.
Porges on K and Coney island Avenue. It was self service so yes they also get heimish points, but it was a woman behind the counter so they are losing those points. The jelly was also clumpy, I dont get it, why did these last three places have clumpy jelly its just not good! The dough was average, also at a 1.25. The pocket of jelly was average too. This one gets a taste of 6 and over all a 6.
Im planning on going to a few more places soon, if your favorite bakery hasnt gotten an official rating by me and you wish it would, just click on # people gave their 2 cents below and drop a comment. Till then Wishing you all a Happy Hanuka
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tomorrow marks the first day of Chanukah and I already jumped into the Hanukkah spirit (see that's 2 different spellings of the holiday, does it really matter how you spell it), with my first two Sufganiot. They were from Isaac's bake shop on Ave. J between east 14th and 15th, and it was much like last year, still a dollar fifty and still rated a 7 (out of ten) and the service was a little slow but friendly. The Sufgania had some good jelly a decent pocketful I might add, the dough was a little dry but for 1.50 it shouldn't have been. Over all its rated a six.
I originally didn't want to go there, I was heading for Ostrovitsky's on east 12th, but they were sold out! that's right sold out before the first night. Being that I liked them last year and wanted to check out their service which I never got to, and they were only a dollar 25 I assumed they would be my best bet. I was disappointed and instead I headed to Isaac's bake shop.
In front of Isaac's they had a sign "Home made donuts, sufganiot (in Hebrew), sold here". Two things wrong with that. One, sufganiot are correctly translated as Israeli styled jelly donuts not home made, and even according to most Sufganiot am ha'aratzim they call it jelly donuts nothing about home made. And two, how could it be home made if its in a bakery?! I got no answers to that.
Yes people just like last year I will test my stomach of steel, and to those who wish to come and join me on my trips to try all the bakeries, (ahem) G6 (cough) Sally hazel, just give me shout, Child ish you in for another round? As always if you have any specific suggestions for me do tell, because I'm here to pay the price so you get it right.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
As the name came out of the Chaveirim guys mouth Chana felt an excitement with visions flashing before her eyes about all the different circumstances her and the bochur, Yitzchak Pomerantz, will encounter together. She had too many questions as to why he knew his license plate number to begin with, she was left in mystery and excitement, two emotions that when mixed lead to one curious energetic person.
The whole ride home in the repaired car Chana was trying to figure out the reason she found out in the most obscure way. After much thought and talking it out with Rifky, they decided it was hashgacha pratis in the making, it could only be the hand of g-d. This made Chana feel even closer to hashem, just the feeling of hashem guiding you in what you do is an amazing feeling. But of course this wasn't IT, IT was actually going on a romantic date with him and marrying while the sun is setting, then living the rest of their romantic lives together, that was IT and not just knowing he existed and his name.
Chana started to inquire about him without a shadchan, a big no no, what kind of girl would do this without a shadchan? surely one that's off the derech. Well our Chana was not off the D, but she was afraid that the shadchan would ruin her chances of marrying him because they want him for "better" girls. She was not considered the best girl out on the market, she was closing in her 22nd birthday, and being that she turned down other boys she was considered picky.
So she found herself in the lead role of detective. She found out which yeshiva he goes to, only by using her shadchan detective skills was she able to master this one, even she was surprised by how she found out. He went to a well known yeshiva located right in the heart of Midwood, one that actually had a good reputation for quality bochurim when it came to shalom bayis. Many other things were found out from constant spying on him and inquiring about him, including his amazing personality and how understanding he was of everyone.
All was perfect by the time the day of rest, shabbos, came about. Chana had fulfilled almost everything she needed to know about him before she could go on a date with him. As shabbos came with its sanctity and purity Chana felt as though her other part was coming into her to make her complete. A unity within herself, truly one of the best feelings out there.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I found this on Vos iz neias, its a whole article on Midwood in Brooklyn. Read and then wonder why we have that brooklyn attitude.
Brooklyn, NY - Many blocks in Midwood, with its rows of orderly detached homes and private driveways, give the feeling of a carefully planned suburb - a serene surprise after turning off a thoroughfare like Coney Island Avenue or Ocean Parkway.
But closer inspection reveals that the landscape has, in fact, been altered: on virtually every block, at least one or two homes have been significantly expanded - built up, built out, even built down.
The larger homes blend in as best they can with their smaller neighbors, but their oversized shadows are hard to miss: they are evidence of the wealth and the larger families that a thriving Orthodox Jewish population has brought to Midwood in recent years.
"Midwood has always been Jewish, but it wasn't always Orthodox," said David Maryl, a broker at Jacob Gold Realty. "Now for every family that's moving out, it's an Orthodox family moving in."
Brooklyn's Community Board 14, which covers the eastern half of Midwood, fields several home expansion requests each month from the area, said Alvin M. Berk, the board's chairman.
He said the board first noted the steady trickle of requests about eight years ago and now handles about 30 a year. "This seems to be a fairly high rate of building expansion," he said. "But there's generally no opposition - maybe just some concerns about a proposed enlargement reducing a neighbor's light and air." But applicants often make concessions to ease those concerns, he added.
Rather than building a larger home, Bill and Diana Spiegel bought one. They've moved about a mile east. "We love the area," Mr. Spiegel said.
They walk more than a mile each way to attend the synagogue in their old area, because "we have a little separation anxiety," he said. But on their way, they probably pass more than a dozen synagogues; they will probably switch to one nearby once the weather turns cold. "It seems like there's a real sense of community here, and they welcome you," Mr. Spiegel said.
Brokers say that Orthodox families first moved into Midwood about 25 years ago as they were priced out of Borough Park, a better established Orthodox neighborhood to the west. Nowadays, Midwood is "very sought after, because people want to be near family and friends, a yeshiva or a synagogue affiliation," said Sora David, a broker with Eisberg Lenz Real Estate. Being within walking distance of a synagogue is critical for those who observe Orthodox Jewish laws forbidding driving and other activities on the Sabbath.
There are dozens of synagogues and many yeshivas scattered throughout Midwood. Some Hasidic synagogues, known as shtibls, are in single-family homes where the rabbi might live upstairs and the congregation might meet on the first floor.
Mr. Berk says synagogues are allowed as of right in any residential zone. But many of them have growing congregations that eventually require more space. He said that the community board had fielded and helped approve many applications for variances to turn houses into larger synagogues.
Midwood lies south of Flatbush and Brooklyn College, and north of Marine Park. Its eastern and western borders have expanded in recent years, pushing out to McDonald Avenue on the west and Flatbush Avenue on the east. "As people have moved in, they've expanded the boundaries," said Raizy Brisman, the owner of Brisman Realty.
Between Nostrand and Flatbush Avenues, younger Orthodox families first moved into the East 30s about five years ago; prices were lower there than in the East 20s and East 10s, she said. That area used to be considered part of Flatbush or East Flatbush, she said, "but it's all semantics. It's called Midwood now, because if you called it East Flatbush, the value for it would be less."
Most homes sit on 40-by-100-foot lots and were built in the early part of the 20th century. The vast majority are detached single-family homes, but there are some two-families, as well as some semiattached and attached houses. There are also some rental and co-op buildings along parts of Avenue K and Ocean Parkway.
Brokers refer to an exclusive pocket between East Seventh and East Ninth Streets, running from Avenue I to Avenue K, as Midwood Manor. Many of its homes are on larger lots, and "it's more manicured and very sought after," said Abraham Steinmetz, the owner of Steinmetz Real Estate. "But there's very little available there. You're lucky to see one or two houses available in a year."
The neighborhoods known as Midwood Park, West Midwood and South Midwood are all actually north of Midwood proper and were developed as parts of Victorian Flatbush.
During the recent building boom, developers tore down some single-family homes along Ocean Avenue and off Ocean Parkway and replaced them with six-unit condominiums. But brokers say that because the condos are primarily made up of one- and two-bedroom apartments, they do not appeal to large Orthodox families and have not sold well, although some units have sold to Russian immigrants.
The area is mostly residential, with a few commercial streets. Yeshivas and synagogues often blend right in - in unassuming converted office buildings or on strictly residential streets.
Brokers say that prices in Midwood have dropped 10 to 15 percent in the last year. Homes tend to sell by word of mouth, and at any given time, there are only about 40 homes on the market.
An attached home on a busy street can sell for $400,000 to $500,000, but detached homes start at $600,000 and run over $2 million, depending on its size. Most houses in the East 20s, considered the oldest part of Midwood, are detached, with three to five bedrooms and private driveways, and sell for over $1 million.
The larger homes in Midwood Manor start at about $2 million and run above $5 million.
Along Ocean Parkway, one-bedroom co-ops sell for less then $200,000, two-bedrooms for about $250,000. On Ocean Avenue, one-bedroom condos sell for about $275,000, two-bedrooms $400,000.
Most Orthodox children attend local yeshivas. The Yeshiva of Flatbush is perhaps the best known, with classes from preschool through high school.
Midwood's appeal is its quiet residential quality. On school days, yellow buses fill the streets, ferrying children to and from their different yeshivas. Traffic along the shopping strips on Avenues J and M can be downright dangerous, as drivers double-park to get their shopping done. But the streets grow quiet at sundown on Friday, with the start of the Sabbath, and most stores stay shuttered until Sunday.
Avenue J's commercial strip, between Coney Island Avenue and East 16th Street, is filled with kosher restaurants, delis and bakeries. Di Fara Pizza, at East 15th Street, harks back to Midwood's more Italian past. It's known for its $5 slice, handmade with imported ingredients by the pizzeria's septuagenarian founder, Domenico DeMarco. Avenue M's shops run from Ocean Avenue to Ocean Parkway. In addition to kosher pizzerias and kosher and Russian supermarkets, the street has discount stores and chains like Godiva.
Coney Island Avenue, a much wider thoroughfare, has a range from auto repair shops and carwashes to ladies' wig shops, Judaica stores and kosher restaurants. Among these are Schnitzi, a schnitzel bar; and Carlos and Gabby's, a Mexican grill. Food bloggers compare Pomegranate, a gleaming new kosher supermarket, to Whole Foods.
Hmmm it doesnt seem to end there but oh well.
Monday, December 7, 2009
After 2000 years from its invention, the dreidel is going worldwide in its first ever Dreidel World Tour. People from all around the world have fallen in love with the dreidel games, "Its so easy to win" said a random dreidel player. The dreidel game has been around for a while now, its a mystery why the dreidel has only now started to take the stage. We had a chance to talk to the man behind the WDT games, Gimpel Dreidelovitz. We asked him why he felt the need for the Jewish pastime to become such a popular game that it even has its own app on the IPhone? He answered "Ever since I was young the four cornered top amazed me with its history, I felt a connection towards it and wanted the world to have a share in it. So I went to the Polak Brothers, the makers of other household games such as Kollel-oply and Guess Jew, and here it is the fastest growing game in the world".
As of now there are over 40 casinos in America that have this game available, and many more in other countries around the world. People are supposed to pile into Israel this Chanukah for the World Dreidel Tour held in Jerusalem. Anyone can apply as long as you know how to spin a dreidel. Real ethnic Sufganiot will be available to those who attend the games. There are two types of Dreidel games played, the Israeli version with the P'oh and the chutz la'aretz version of Sham, they will be playing the first version though many find it hard to switch once they learned to play a certain way. People have become obsessed with the game, some wear sunglasses or baseball caps, some have have ear phones in their ears but nothings playing, and some dress up as Y'vanim or Maccabees, all to confuse another player. They have coined a term Dreidel Face, and then a shiksah singer made it a name of her song (Dreidel face knock off of poker face).One guy even put out a book on how to even the odds at dreidel, called eight rules to win eight nights.
The dreidel was once played by young kinderlach pretending to not be learning Torah, and now its played by people from all walks of life. I for one love to play dreidel, so I even got this little clip for you, enjoy.
World Dreidel Tour
Friday, December 4, 2009
Of course there is a world of Torah on this parsha but if you need a quick one, here are some.
Over at Geshmack Torah he has a great little piece on why Rashi has two interpretations as to what the word V'yavek means. A real great piece of Torah and insight, it is a must say at the shabbos table.
Not to be outdone Garnel Ironheart wrote a whole d'vaar Torah on why Yaakov said Garti and all its hidden meanings.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Shabbos had passed and the feelings Chana had were still strong. She saw her mothers face over shabbos, but it didn't matter to her what her mother thought anymore, she knew what was meant to be will happen.
During her sleep motzei shabbos she had a nightmare. She dreamt her mother saw her with the bochur and forbid Chana from marrying him, and was being dragged away from him only to see him get smaller and smaller in the distance. Chana woke up in a sweat at 4 in the morning, worrying that what she dreamt might happen caused her to have a sleepless night. She needed to remember/ relive what happened with her and the bochur in the dream before her mother saw because that was a great feeling, and when she did that, her mind would go into a state of black with images that could hardly be described or interpreted.
That Sunday morning she was tired, she gulped down some pure black coffee which she didn't like, and was off to find who that license plate number belonged to. She met up with her BFF Rifky, they planned to go to the nearest police station and have them check it out. When they got there they felt a little nervous. "Who goes to a police station to figure out license plate numbers", said Chana "I'm not liking this". "And wouldn't they ask us questions as to why we would want to know?" replied Rifky "I don't think we should do this". So they chickened out.
When they got back to the car the found out they had a flat tire, "Oh baruch hashem I knew I shouldn't have parked in the Ill slash your tires zone" said Rifky. They were stranded in front of a police station with no way to get back, what were they to do? (Join us next week when Frummy love Story continues.... Not!, no seriously join us next week anyway). They decided to call chaveirim.
Within moments the chaveirim were there ready to change the tires. While one of the guys was changing it they started some Jewish geography with him. Chana and Rifky looked at each other then nodded, they decided to ask him about the license plate number, maybe he know? When asked the helpful chaveirim guy looked at them in astonishment, he couldn't believe they knew the license plate of his wife's second cousins mechutans daughters 11Th grade teachers 1st cousin once removeds son!... ! Chana was ready to jump for joy but didn't want to jump in front of a man because that's not tznius. They asked for a name, Chana kept trying to guess what it will be in her mind before it came out of his mouth. Yitzchak Pomerantz the "mechanic" said.