Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

3 people gave their 2 cents:

Mighty Garnel Ironheart said...

One of the advantages of living in Canada is that these same askanim don't know we exist. Maybe it's because everyone in Toronto tries to do things "New York style" and acts like New York is the promised land while Israel is a nice place to visit once in a while but over in Israel, we're just one big happy continent. that means we'll never get banned.
So, to all your readers in the "resistance," come up to the Great White North, eh? Our beer is better, hockey is the coolest game on Earth and you can cross-border shop in Buffalo NY any time you want.

Mikeinmidwood said...

You think the Bochur troops are going to stop at the border, they'll take canada too they dont know the difference.

Moshe said...

Yep, to them it's just another state.