WHERE WAS HE?

Throughout the whole campaign for mayor I did not hear one good thing about Thompson. Whether I was listening to the radio, saw an ad in the Jewish press, or saw one on TV, I didn't hear anything for Thompson. All I knew of was from the Bloomberg for mayor ads, it told me Thompson wants to raise taxes, give money to people who are supporting him and something to do with contracts, but never did I hear something good about Thompson.

May be there was nothing good about him? maybe he really did all those bad things and would do them again so he felt too ashamed to even mention his name anywhere? But then why did Thompson even run if he didn't plan on getting the word out to me, or anyone else that he can do something with this state?

I just don't understand this Thompson dude, whether Obama would support him or not, like he did with Corzine in new jersey which corzine lost anyway, how would it have helped if he never said he could do anything for us! Did he really campaign and I just missed it somewhere or am I really right.

NOBAMA

Recently our beloved "left moderate" president was asked by a fourth grader "Why does everybody hate you?". A funny question you might ask a president, ain't it? I am wondering how the kid found the courage to ask him altogether. Of course Obama gave him a bogus answer along the lines of "People like me because I was voted in, but they blame the president because its a bad economy not that its his fault". Despite Obamas answer, the nation does seem to hate him, his approval ratings have been moving just like the stock market, down. From last weeks ratings he only has 52% of the country approving of what he's done, that's down from 67 percent on his inauguration day, it never went higher.

It happens to be that I have Obama's book, the biography, I don't know why he has a biography already if he isn't near old age, wouldn't you want to get his life into the book, its a biography, half his life isn't even over. I didn't want to read it from the start it looked boring, maybe he is boring too. His book may have been a bestseller but three anti-Obama books have also made it to the tops, just goes to show what the people really favor.

Recently my friend and I were in a library when we saw a movie about Obama, I asked my friend if he wanted to see it, to which he replied "No way man I don't want to waste my time" and could you believe my friend declined when we saw it was a two disc special! I couldn't believe he turned it down. I can only conclude that people don't care about Obama and they despise his presence in the white house. Besides that, you know how many racists there are out there that just don't like him because hes black? I know a few (I'm still waiting for the 7 pesukim in neviim that have obamas name in it to bring mashiach).

Although Obama does have a point, people did vote for him so some must like him. To this we can say, when people voted for him he was portrayed as a moderate left winger who had ideas about bringing two parties together and finding solutions that were a little lefty, and he said that Israel has a right to defend itself (then he went to the Arabs and said they should have Jerusalem), but that person wasn't voted into office, what made its way into office was a socialist who blamed America for everything and denied Israel its right to building in its own infrastructure, that is not who people voted for. Now you can say that people don't like Obama even though they voted for him, because he wasn't voted in for what he holds but for what we thought he holds.

Here's what should have been answered to the kid in fourth grade "yes you're right, people don't like me, I have done little to nothing to help our economy and my ideas are too socialist for this country. There are people out there that like me from other countries, but they like me only because I trashed America, our country. So the answer to your question boy is they don't like me because I don't fit with this special country, if I was leader for a different country they would love me because thats were I fit, But not here".

TWO STATE PLAN

Ever since Clinton there has been the "need" for a two state plan. They invented the road map to make it happen, if you don't know what that is its basically an idea to cut Israels small self in half, to make way for another Muslim nation. Ever since that, Israel is called for talks on how to compensate people who want to kill it, Israel gave in sometimes. The problem is that now that the Palestinians have Gaza, and for quite a while, they still cant run it economically, no matter how much money America sends; and yet they are asking for more territory. (Don't think Israel made them take dessert land and fix it up themselves, Israel left them irrigation and green houses to make the dessert flourish, and they threw that all out).

Now Obama is in charge and is pressing Israel to stop settlements, even the ones that are already in place he wont let grow, so that Israel will give it up to the Palestinians. He is really trying to make this two state plan happen, saying that if there are two different paths that two groups want to take, then they should split and divide, and not one conquer the other. The thing is that America itself didn't do that; during the civil war the north didn't let the south secede from the union, it fought until the south gave in (with comparisons like these I can write for the Jewish press).

Israel shouldn't listen to a country that's being hypocritical? Israel shouldn't give up its own land, just because a terrorist country that cant control itself economically said so? And the worst thing is, Israel is listening anyway.

BIBI HAS A WAY WITH WORDS

One thing I like about Israels political system is that, in one government you can have two sides of the spectrum representing one side, kinda fun. It works in politics like a wonder, for example: Israel went to talk to Obama on the peace process. Israeli defense minister, Barak, said Israel is on the road to the road map, because he is more towards the left he wants to give away land. But in reality, the Prime minister is Bibi Netanyahu who is from a different side of the spectrum, he gave Obama a whole different story, how he handled it was, from my point of view, amazing (more on that later).

This is why it works wonders; with Ehud barak and the labor party, Israel gives off the sense that they are willing to comply, which in turn makes every lefty happy. Then comes the real side, the one that works the system, Bibi and the likud party, and it does the opposite of what was said is going to happen by the labor party. In the end Israel is still the same, and the world thinks we just need more talks.

But how did Bibi manage to avoid doing what his government said he would do? The answer to that is strategic talking. No, this strategy doesn't take the greatest minds to think of, or weeks of training to use it at the right times in a conversation. What Bibi did was, he made a fall back, when ever Obama or someone would ask about how Israel is going to make the road map, he simply made a statement that his country is being threatened by Iran, and that there are bigger issues at hand. In the end Bibi made no commitment to Obama on a time he will withdraw, or a withdrawal at all, and Obama made a time that he will have to take big action on Iran. Bibi then flattered Obama saying that, Obama you are great leader, and that I am speaking on behalf of all of Israel. Truly a great and simple strategy to win the war of words, dontch ya think?

This is why I love the Israeli political spectrum, tons of talk and a good stiff neck to go with it.

IF YOU COME TO VISIT

If you come to visit this web page, please use anything but Internet explorer browser. It has been causing major problems all over blogger, so I suggest either Mozilla fire fox, or the new chrome from google. Chrome seems to be working for me.

The sign that comes up says my web page is "aborted". Why use the term aborted, I certainly don't like abortions (republican here), and if its done, its the woman's choice. Here I am a man, and my precious site, which I have taken care of for almost a year, just got aborted against my will, where is my choice? Then I visited The Jewish side of babysitter, and her site got aborted too (I feel so sorry for you babysitter, I know how it feels).

I think its a virus running around blogger, kinda like the swine flu, and it will get you soon, so you better prepare. I am afraid it might mutate, because right now its only affecting Internet explorer, who knows what it could do later. It could be a conspiracy by the yeshivish velt, who's trying to wipe out the Jews of the blogsphere, in an attempt to get all Jews to stop using the Internet.

Whatever it may be, use an Internet that is safe, so the site you are visiting doesn't get aborted.

ECONOMY OR OBAMA

We all have remember paying 4$ a gallon for gas, unless you have Alzheimer's, that was last year. This year the prices dropped to 1.79, which I thought was amazing, our lowest prices in 7 years. Then it started going up around January, and since then has jumped 70 cents. Are we on our way up again? maybe even passed the 4 dollar mark? I hope not.

What is the reason for the price going up recently, well before that, we really need to know why it went down in the first place. Bush was still president, and he threatened to find an alternative energy, so all the oil companies had to lower their prices so we wouldn't mind buying oil (the week after Bush's speech, the prices started being lowered). Another reason may have to do with our economy; when the economy went down, the price for gas did too.

So why is it going up? Is it that Obama doesn't even mention anything about trying to find a new source of energy, or is it a sign our economy is on its way up? And in the comments please don't give me a "Obama is trying to help the Arabs, through buying overpriced barrels of oil".

I WAS THINKING

Yes, occasionally I do that. What would happen in four years from now? and I don't mean flying cars and living on the moon, or a planet with no oil and no trees. I mean what kind of an election will take place? Obama running verse who? Giuliani? Who will everyone vote for Obama or the republican candidate. Will Obama make another million promises he cant keep and claim change from himself, or will he lose because he already made all the promises and didn't change at all. So I was thinking, what will happen?

INSANE, RETARDED, STUPID....PATERSON

This nudnick is giving me a hard time. First he doesn't want me to get fat, then he wants me to use "Eco-friendly" bags, WHATS NEXT?!! I'll tell you whats next, he is making ME (and you) pay for paying taxes.

Who the Heck does this guy think he is? He is in office for less than a year, he got lucky the guy before him was a dope. He is blind in two ways; one he cant really see, and he cant tell where he is leading us. Doesnt he know the worst thing to do right now is take more money out of peoples pockets, we don't feel like spending any more because we have so little. I don't even know why he isn't just taxing obese people if he didn't want people to become fat, don't tax someone who just wants to treat themselves to a little snack!!

Well now he wants people to be taxed for the paper they use, TO PAY THEIR TAXES!! all because they could have used a computer, and even that he is taxing 4 CENTS!!. Who did he hire to think of all theses stupid, yet very inventive, ideas. I don't care about four cents, BUT WHY SHOULD HE!!!?!!! Does anyone else here think that's absurd? I am kind enough to pay my taxes, any you go ahead and tax me for paying it, OXYMORON!! STOP TRYING TO NICKEL AND DIME THE ECONOMY SO YOU CAN GIVE A 17% RAISE TO YOUR STAFF. AAAHHHH!!! CRAZY!!!!

So he thinks he is trying save the economy with his "Eco-friendly" projects, taxing paper or plastic bags for groceries, or taxing using paper to pay taxes; either way that is not being "economically-friendly". One reason why is; all the paper work it will take to pass the law is killing so many precious trees, and second, to document all the taxes it will kill more trees than it saves. Besides, you aren't being "economically friendly" to the economy which just about sucks right now. How about stop taxing everything we buy, and use to buy things with, and people will start buying a little more

He's insane, he's retarded, he's stupid, he's Paterson, and we have to deal with him for a little more.

KEEPING UP WITH THE MACHMIRS

You live in an area that's very competitive. Most people call it keeping up with the Steins, you call it keeping up with the Machmirs, your next door neighbor (their name means stringent). For some reason you are always one step behind them. For example, they don't eat strawberries, then when you decide to stop also, they go ahead and deem raisins also bad, you used to drink regular water till they only drank filtered, and now you're filter needs filtered water. Everything you do is not good enough.

So last week you decided that you are going to be ahead of the game, you are going to find out first, and they are going to have to copy you, only then will you keep up with the Machmirs. You go to YWN, nope, nothing new (of course you had your non machmir friend print it out for you). Vos iz neias isn't going to have anything more than the the yeshiva's coffee room, so you don't have your friend, whos non machmir, print it out. Finally you spot something, from somewhere else, "Women shouldn't visit the dead, should be quiet and not cry during a eulogy". You say that's perfect for you, but you think its not enough, you have to find more.

So you continue your quest for the most restricted life possible. On your way you over hear a conversation "Did you find that blue blackberry?" one guy says (it was actually you from the post before being spoken to, remember?) "Yes" the other guy says (you from last post). "Well, its mine, it has my name on the bottom of it, so and sostein". The guy who found it wasn't sure if he should give it back. You then thought to yourself that that's an awesome chumrah, and that the Machmirs could never do better than this, you wont give back lost texting machines (yay!). In fact through this you can learn another halachah, you shouldn't have blue blackberries (red ones are learned out from the fact that you cant wear red, so certainly your should not have a red phone, which is worn on your belt).

You run home from your shortened quest to find the most restricted life. You believe Machmir will never beat you, you are so overjoyed. NEXT WEEK (this week): Mr. Machmir comes home with a bottle of four hashgachah milk. Not only that, but it says on it, "Anachnu Machmirim, Machmirim bnei Machmirim (we are stringent, stringent the sons of stringent), this only proceeds to make you feel like he put a knife in you (of course kosher for shechitah) and twisted it (which hurts more).

Moral: Looks like you'll never keep up with the Machmirs.

THEY AINT RACIST, RACIST

The cartoon that has created all the conflict, and many rallies. I am wondering why it cause so much anger from the black community. All I see is a monkey, representing our government and all its crazy ideas, dead on the pavement (and two cops who look exactly alike), that's what I see. What the black community sees is idiocy. Why are they so offended by this cartoon, I am not really sure. Even if it was making fun of Barack Obama, it doesn't mean that its making fun of all black people, just Barack the magic negro. Obviously they don't care, and think that once Barack gained power then all of them have power, leading to this where if you make fun of Obama you make fun of all the black people. Then there is the attention loving Al Sharpton. He cant go a few weeks without speaking for the black community; He spoke for 6 months about drugged up guy who was shot 50 times by the police, and how great he was. The police, of course, lost their badges due to Sharpton. What ever the case may be Al (coholic)Sharpton, must find himself in the news every few months, so as not to lose his publicity. This time he is speaking out against the writer of this cartoon, sure to have him hanged for it.

Like I said before, I don't see why the black people are offended, even Obama himself isn't offended. What do you think.

DAMN TERRORISTS

There is a group in Israel, which cant stop to terrorize the people. Week after week, they continually target its citizens. They hide behind the the ones they target, in fact they target their own. They are extremists calling for women to be covered from head to toe. They segregate their own kind. They are a semi unorganized group, only coming to attack briefly and then scurrying away.

The Israeli government despises these people. The government doesn't really know who to contact, to call for a cease fire. The government has been patient with them, and it can not attack, because who are they going to fight against, only civilians. Even if the Israeli government would ask for a cease fire, these ruthless people would never stop. This group is calling for Israel to aid their poor families, and yet they hate the government.

Years of violence; throwing rocks, heavy beatings, all to support their radical views. Will it ever stop? has the U.N. ever condemned these terrorists? They cant take a system that differs from their own, they go all out against it, using all sorts of violence. I call for a rally against these people. Their children are being taught from a young age, to hate anything that's not like them. In my eyes (not theirs) its sickening; men beating up women, which is morally wrong, all for not dressing up to their standards. Is this not a crazy people? Do they not leach from the government they hate? The answer to all this is a big YES, and these terrorists wont be stopped till crushed. These terrorists I am referring to, are Charedi. Yeah that's right, you'll see all those categories fit with them. Are their intentions that much different from radical Muslims?

Okay, so I might be going a little overboard here.

MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR

I love this time of year. Not only did Chanukah come, but the biggest present of them all came. I am just so happy.

Okay, now enough with the chit-chat. This is what I mean. Israel has finally decided to take action on Hamas, we will leave Fatah for later. After months of "Cease Fire" The Israeli politicians noticed that there was something wrong. Why was it that their country had tons of citizens, who had to hide every few minutes, hoping to stay alive? Then it hit them, WE ARE BEING BOMBED!!! "What in the world will ever stop these "civilians" from trying to kill us?" they wondered, "Don't we have a cease fire? surely we cant do anything to them". After much negotiation, which got no where, and shoe throwing, which did, The Israeli government decided to actually do something about it, and only after Hamas took down the "cease fire" did everyone agree.

An air strike, starting this past shabbos, was the first offensive; killing about 250-300 "innocent" people. Times like this make me feel happy, I am not a sadist. I actually like listening to the anti-Israeli news, it tells you more about all the "horrible" things the IDF does, and I like to hear what Israel does. While on the other hand a station like Fox gives me both sides, something I don't want.

Then there are those thing which make me shudder, things like The U.N. getting involved, and peace talks. You can tell I am so not a supporter of Kadima, or likud. If only Meir Kahane were still here today. After the things which make me shudder, there are those things which make me in a state of shock and bewilderment, something like this is what I mean: (begin Quote) "Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni told NBC that the assault came because Hamas, an Islamic group backed by Syria and Iran, is smuggling weapons and building a "small army." (end quote, Begin my rant) What??? Did she just say that its because of smuggling weapons, and the building of a small army. WHERE WERE YOU!! the past few months!! Do you not get that your country is in danger, not because of an imposing army and massive weaponry, but on the contrary, they were actually firing into your peoples homes, DAILY!!! over 120 the day of the air strike!!. What are you, stupid!! obviously we seee you are. And what do you think The U.N. will say to "fear of an imposing army", Do you think their reaction will go like this. The U.N. to Israel on behalf of tzippy : "Oh yeah, sure, go ahead. We understand your needs to protect yourself from an army, who can hardly hold itself up to the NYPD, that didn't even attack yet!". Hey! Tzippy! at least say the truth, don't lie about why you are air striking them!! ( Mike In Midwood says this while violently throwing a notepad and pencil)..... "Think STUPID, THINK!!" (as Mike In Midwood violently shakes Tzippy's brainless head).

Now I have to listen to some anti-Israeli news on the assault, to cheer me up. Don't bother me unless you agree.

WHAT FRUMMIES THINK TODAY

Today was a normal day in the frum community. Obama was elected to become president by our nation. The first thing I heard today was from a Jewish lady. She came out of her house asking "who won?" and I said "Obama did". She gives me a look and says "Hashem would never do such a thing". I held myself back from laughing in her face. Next I heard a guy singing G-d save America (parody of G-d bless America). So I asked him why do you sing this song of depression. He says "Obama won yesterday why shouldn't I be singing this". I gave him a piece of my mind. "Why do you think Obama is bad. Is it because he is black" I ask. He says "yes". I say you're a racist. He agreed. I say your an idiot (he doesn't agree). He says "no its bad for all Jews, since Obama is black and all the black people will start doing whatever they want since Obama will pardon them. I said "You re an idiot" again and left.

Then I got the person who felt like he wanted to leave America. I ask "where are you going to go?" He said "anywhere Obama wont create another Holocaust". I didn't want to deal with this guy. I also bumped into a person who believes Moshiach will come because of Obama. I asked him "Why" figuring I would get to add another dumb answer to my list of why Moshiach and Obama go hand in hand.

Here is my list. Moshiach will come when Obama becomes president because: When Muslims will rule the world Moshiach will come and Obama is a Muslim even though he goes to church every Sunday. 2) in Tanach it talks about Gog And Magog and if you take enough letters and pick and choose the right words in no specific order it says Obama is the ultimate cause of moshiach. 3) Because of some famous Mekubal who no one is able to remember his name said that Obama is the reason moshiach will come because he (and this a mix of two answers) is black and a black cant rule a country and if he does it means Moshiach. even though most African countries for the past 3000 years and more have had black rulers. 4) because a huge war is supposed to happen throughout the whole world and Obama is planning this war. 5) because Obama wants to create another Holocaust and we say never again so it must be Moshiach is coming. 6) This is the one I heard today. It says in Navi if someone who wants to distribute the wealth (of course it doesn't say this straight out you have do Gematrias) and he is black and Muslim, Moshiach is going to destroy him. (By the way all these answers were truly said). So to all those who said Obama is bringing moshiach I asked "than why don't you want Obama to win? don't you want Moshiach?" and to this they were all stunned, all except one who said that this is not the way Moshiach should come.

This is what frummies think today. I am more scared with their answers than Obama with a shotgun.

YEP ITS OBAMA

At 11:02 PM I heard that Obama had won the elections. The whole day I promised myself I wouldn't write a post on the elections but here it is. So now that Obama is President elect for the last two minutes what promises he made do you think he wont keep? How many Jews will flee America? And who did you think would win early '07 when the races started?

Now I will be first to predict he doesn't get elected in 2012 because he wont live up to what he portrays himself to be. Any other predictions for the next 4 years?

FAST BEFORE THE ELECTIONS!!

There are some fellow Jews who obviously know nothing about the elections and have decided to fast today and hold tehillim rallies so that Hashem can make their votes count and then they can say they did their part to vote. oops!. No, if you thought they were doing this to make their votes count you are dead wrong. Its actually so that Hashem wont let Obama become president of the United states. Why are these people actually going into mourning over these elections? Well its obvious that these people think that Obama is going to destroy the world or kick out all the Jews from America. I have heard that if Obama is elected guys from Chabad are going to rip their shirts another sign of mourning.

I on the other hand I don't want Obama to win since I prefer McCain but if Obama is president its not so bad. Do you think people should go so far to fast and hold tehillim rallies over the fact that Barack Obama might be elected? There was a guy from Chicago who said that if Obama becomes president he is moving out of the united states and into Monsey (joke). Seriously are people that crazy?

FRUMMIE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

The crowd waits for both candidates to come in. McCain walks in. Everyone starts cheering for the modern day hero as he says thank you to the crowd of frummies. Obama walks in. The crowd instantly stops cheering which is then followed by booing and some tomato throwing. Obama does not say thank you. The candidates then take to their podiums. The first question is given to Obama. "Senator "Cough" Muslim "cough" Obama What will you do to settle this financial crisis?"
Obama: "I think we need change from the Bush Administration which my opponent Senator McCain does not give". There is an instant uproar of hate from the crowd and one Frummie runs up on stage and screams "You racist Bush is my Favorite president". This Frummie is now being dragged out by two men in suits.
Order has settled in finally and the same question is given to McCain.
McCain: "Obama is not the only one who can give change I can too and we will work through party lines to fix this. Cheers are heard from all sides". The next question is given.
Senator g-d send McCain what is you're stance on Israel?
McCain: "Israel is our ally and we need to help Israel in all possible ways". The crowd just cant get enough of McCain. (a sideline interview) Here we are talking to a Frummie in the stands what do you think of the candidates? "Well I think McCain isn't as good as Giuliani would be but we do with what we have and I just hate Muslims so that takes care of both". The next question is given to Obama.
Senator Obama and your stance on Israel is?
Obama: "Jerusalem is the undivided capital of Israel". As you expected the crowd hates it all the way. It seems that everyone is chanting "Don't vote for the Palestinian lover"
After 30 minutes of this we go to take questions from the crowd. A Frum woman asks one for Obama. "M.R. Obama what do you think of the fact that when you become president the Messiah will come for us.
Obama: "He will? Uh I mean.. Well I am not sure how to answer that one. But I will tell you what I think will happen if he does not come. I will change this country around to help everyone from the young to old. Obama then gets angry looks from every Frummie in the crowd.
Next a question also from the audience is asked to Senator McCain. "Senator McCain why is it that I like you better than Obama"?
McCain: "Well it seems that you all like everything from the Republican party. You even like my running mate's hair so much you turned into a wig style. As for Obama you don't like him because he is black and you guys are part of the JKK (Jew Klux Klan)". Nods of agreement are seen all over.

The candidates leave and and the debate is over. Lets ask some one what their thoughts are on tonight's debate. We ask a man with a black hat. "I have to say McCain did a way better job when it came to answering and he knows us better, he did mention us being part of the JKK which is true. As for Obama he didn't acknowledge the crowd so he did a poor job". (reporter) "Okay one more question. Did you think the crowd gave Obama a chance"?
(guy with hat) "Of course the crowd did. Just once Obama started lying to everyone they started to hate him".

Now that's it for tonight the next battle between these candidates will be in the voting booth.

SHUL POLITICS: THE MINYAN/THE CHAZZAN/THE GABBAI

The minyan is an essential part of any shul. Its what makes up what kind of shul it is. If one person would be missing from the minyan, it just wouldn't feel like your in the same shul. These are the guys who don't go to the kiddush club. They may be board members depending on what type of shul you go to. You'll see the people of the minyan be the chazzan for mincha and maariv. They talk in middle of shul but also daven, unlike the guys from the kiddush club (who only talk). If one or two things in the shul go "wrong" they wont blame the rabbi as the kiddush club guys do. They also wield the power that none others have. being the majority of the people in the shul the minyan can put pressure on others and get their way. You wont see much of the minyans power since its kind of hard getting them to agree on one subject.

Many a times the minyan is only a certain sect of judaism (e.g. Satmer, Syrian, Litvish). Other times the minyan is very diverse covering all walks of judaism (e.g. Child Ish's Shul). Some Minyans start off as a band of all walks and then split into two different Minyans (one in a basement). then comes the Minyan that's not in a shul at all. Its called The-Motzei-Shabbos-In-A-Random-Guys-House-Minyan. Don't know how that started, very common.

The Chazzan. The first type of Chazzan is the one for only Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur and maybe Maariv for sukkos and Pesach. These Chazzans get paid good money for stressing their vocal chords and making shul take longer while singing obscure tunes and stretching out words to make them sound like a yawn. I have heard people say that a good chazzan attracts people to the shul. I on the other hand think its a turn off. I have heard these types of chazzans getting the boot for very random reasons. The other type of Chazzan is a guy from the minyan above. Its a better job, no firing. He wont sing anything and your time spent in shul wont be long. Ooooh wait, he does sing l'cha Dodi but even then there is no stretching of the words.

The Gabbai. He is the guy who picks who gets what aliyah and hands out those plastic cards. He does just about everything, from reading who sponsored what this shabbos to who gets P'sicha. In some shuls their are more than one gabbai. Some shuls the gabbai is supposed to keep people quiet. Then there are those self appointed gabbai's who nobody likes. They just like to run the show. Throughout all my years I have never seen a Gabbai blamed for anything. Obviously he has a good job but tough too.

This concludes this chapter of shul politics any other ideas?

DONT USE THESE TERMS ON ME

You should know by now that I don't understand your mixed language, so please don't start using it when we learn. Words like Epis and shtickle don't help you in an interview (unless done with a chassidish employer). When I learn with you, use just the English language. I cant stand it, it bugs the heck out of me. I am not from a Yiddish speaking background I don't understand what point you are trying to make when you refer to things with these phrases.

After a while you used the word shtultz on me. I had no clue what you meant. At first I thought of it as if it meant a diss (a verbal offensive). Then you start hocking me up trying to explain what you really meant by it. It turns out it means to ignore someone. Now I ask couldn't you just say "ignore" instead of making me waste a few minutes to figure it out.

Words like lechaira and mashme are terms used in Meforshim like Tosfos not to tell to me about Sarah Palin's view on Israel and if its going to rain. Talking to me about politics and using these terms does not make me think you are a reliable source. Terms like Shanda, Mamish, Gevaldig, Shtim and many more like that get me thinking did you Drop out of high school and not learn the English language.

To my chavrusa just stop it. It doesn't make you a better person by using these terms.

WHAT YOU DIDNT SEE COMING.

You walk in to this shul. Its the one you mainly go to for a shabbos morning. You like it their since you know most of the people. Its a great place to chop a schmooze on either politics or baseball since the Rabbi cant really tell who is talking.

As you walk in you think to yourself this shul is great everyone gets along so well and the davening is smooth, maybe a little long. You sit down in your normal seat near your normal friends (at least you think their normal although you have had a bad taste in friends all your life). Of course you didn't make it on time, right when they started P'sukei Dzimrah, you came a good thirty minutes late and they were about to say Baruchu (pronounced Buh-ruch-oo).

After you settle down and Chazaras Hashatz (your main talking period besides for leining) has passed you say to yourself (out loud) I love this shul. You are wondering if the Rabbi will speak for a long time before K'riyas Hatorah (if you don't understand any of these terms please comment about it and I will translate). In the end the rabbi did speak for a long time and you used up all your bathroom breaks too early. Now you are thinking I should have took a nap like that guy over there (who cares if you snore).

It finally came the time to recite the holy torah portion of that week. You were hoping that you get invited to the kiddush club well sorry Mr. I have no good stories to tell. You tell yourself its okay there is a kiddush later. About this point in time the rabbi stops the leining for everyone to quiet down this makes you a little angry that the rabbi has the Chutzpah to tell you to be quiet. The next big thing to happen is there is a guy who gets an Aliyah to the holy torah and the one who calls him up, you know the guy who says Yamod So-and-so ben Whom ever Shvi'ee, forgets this guys first name.

This guy is no person to forget their first hebrew name. So now he gets offended and says how could you forget my name I have come to this shul for 2 whole years. So the gabbai who called him up says "Hey" in a whispered sort of tone "there are many people that come to this shul how can I remember all of their first Hebrew names". Well this guy ain't done and he makes a whole big commotion about remembering his name. Then comes two or more people defending the gabbai. And before you knew it the whole shul is one huge fight.

You decide to get in on the action and you say "You forgot my name when I was called up two weeks ago. Another guy says "yeh he forgot mine and I don't care you shouldn't either". Then the old men in the back get into it. The Rabbi just wants order and to finish up the davening but no one cares now. You are ready to throw your fist in someones face. Somehow a rather young guy (who seems to at the head of the gabbais campaign) is arguing with one of the oldies in the back. One of the Oldie's friends gets up and screams "You Nazi. He Vas in Da Var (war).

In some odd way davening ended. you are cursing out this once Beloved shul and all those who you opposed today. You say to yourself that shul never got along and everyone hated each other. How could you go to a shul like that. You then decide not to go to the kiddush which was sponsored by someone who was on the other side. You vow in anger never to go to a shul which cant remember your name. Also you are going to quit being a member of that shul.

In most shuls this doesn't happen (we can only hope) and will kiddush come next which you are waiting for so for kiddush read this.

SHUL POLITICS: THE CANDY MAN

I missed one important person who is a big part of every shul where children go. That man is THE CANDY MAN. He's every child's favorite person (of course he bribes them), giving them lollis, bazooka bubble gum, anything made by Leibers or Bloomie's and Laffy taffy. (of course there is much more, I'm just not gonna write it all out).

When I was younger I would go over to the candy man in the shul I went to, countless times always asking for more junk so my teeth can rot. I wasnt the only one who did this. So I am wondering how can a candy man daven and hand out to children countless items of tastiness. What happens in middle of Shmona Esray with tons of kids asking for candy and tugging at his pants? Maybe that's why he gives them the lollis so they keep it in their mouths and it acts as a passifier.

We interrupt this important post with breaking news: We are outside live in front of a famous shuls rabbis house. there seems to be a protest by many people who want a Kugel man in shul for all the older people. They appear to be reasoning they will keep quiet in shul if there plan goes through also the kugel will be sponsored by the new Kugel man. We now return to our interrupted post.

The candy man has one of the most "important" jobs in the whole shul (keeping the kid community in a none whiny state) and its one of the more favorite jobs. This wasn't in my shul but I have heard that every year there is (in certain shuls) an election for who gets to be the famed candy man. In some shuls they have a room designated for all the nosh kids like. Where I went it wasn't as high tech as I described a sentence before. It was this one guy who had some candy in his tails bag which he kept in shul.

Ill end this post with a question. What happens if there happens to be two candy men in one shul. As said by some famous blogger "Ill leave the rest to the comments".