Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

OPERATION CAST MISLEADING

After finding this, which I call Operation Cast Misleading, thanks to The Wolf (who put out a good post), I laughed my head off, only to put it back on when I realized it was going to just about every frum house. The "before" picture, shows a kid with a white shirt and and Kippah (yarmulkeh), the "after" picture, the kid is with his index finger and pinky out (oh no), mouth wide opened, a baseball cap, and worst of all, a black shirt. The pictures were obviously taken three minutes apart, and the before might have been the after.

What the "kid wrote" (in quotations because he didn't, it was an older person trying to sound like he was off the "D", and trying to mislead everyone) is hilarious and very contradicting. You have got to read it. My commentary in regular ink.

Dearest Abba and Mommy,

How off the "D" are you if you still call them Abba and mommy, how about Mom and Dad.

Just wanted to thank you for the iPod touch you got me for my birthday. It’s the coolest thing! Seriously. I use it all the time to access the most disgusting stuff in the world! You would like totally faint if you knew.

Dude you just told your parents in the last sentence, its not like you are hiding it.

Anyway, OMG! It’s like the sickest thing ever. And the internet is WAY fast. It only takes me a few seconds to download the WORST videos and photos imaginable.

You're telling your parents once again what you do. Second an Ipod touch can not download videos within seconds, it takes quite a while.

I can literally get anything I want and talk to anyone I want.

If you know them you can talk to them, first you need their number, and that's only the Iphone that can call, not Ipod touch, or you get their IM address, By the way, this can be done by anyone with a house phone. Don't you think someone like this would have cursed a few times by now?

Bet you had no idea when you bought it. That’s too bad, cuz, you know, I was just an innocent 7th grader full of potential. You probably had high hopes for me - sorry, but that’s history now. I don’t really care much about learning - or anything else - anymore and I’ll probably drop out of school pretty soon.

Soon Eh, that means you live at home, and still go to school. At first I thought you were writing from camp or something, now it changes that you are still in school. If so then you live at home, and whats the need for a letter, talk (scream) to your parents. You aren't living out of your house, since you still have contact with your parents, and seem to care a lot about them. If you were out of the house, you would have already dropped out of school. Where are the parents here, they can just take away the Ipod, they still have some authority over the kid, and don't you think there should be some cursing by now? Hence this is all a misleading letter, sent out to encourage you to suffocate your children.

So long and thanks for ruining me. You Rule!

ruining you, if you're off you don't say that.

Love, Chaim (a.k.a. “tank” ooh great name, scary too.)

In the end, it boils down to, making everyone fear electronics, and suffocating their children. They had a letter attached to it, which said text messaging and phones are bad. Okay some phones can get Internet, fine its bad (not going to really argue that one, its for a different post). Now for the ones without Internet, texting is not a problem, I wrote about this before, because if you want you can even (dare I say it) have a kosher phone and talk to girls or boys. Interview with a Random Frummie: "really? I thought that was impossible". Mike in Midwood: "what?.... wait, so do you know that its possible to talk to the opposite gender on a land line phone? Random Frummie: "No! that's impossible.... it ca..... ca..... cant be..... it just cant be" Mike In Midwood: "yes it can". Random Frummie faints out of shock.

Yes people this was all propaganda, sent by the Frummies. No one is going off the "D" because of an Ipod, and we don't have to be so jealous of the Amish. I know we are related to the Amish, were their cousins, the Heimish, but its just too much. Don't Cast a Misleading Operation on us, and definitely don't lie to us with false letters.