Wednesday, February 11, 2009

ITS KOSHER ALL DAY LONG

Being that we live in a society that is advancing in the most treife ways, the only thing that can possibly save us from this is, new ways to put hechshers on every item (Yay!). Its the only possible way to save us from any sort of treif out in the world. I will now predict the future of us as Jews:


The First thing to come out of the newly installed kosher market will be, people Hechshers; because many times you talk to people, and you just cant seem to tell who is up to your standards at that moment, maybe they are hiding something, and do you want to be influenced by someone treif, especially on a shidduch date? obviously not. So how can we possibly find a person who is kosher enough; therefore, we are going to introduce the human hechsher. At first there will only be Kosher and non kosher people, but somewhere along the way more hechsheirm will come through. Some people will have FFBTD (Frum From Birth Till Death) status, like OU parve, while others will will have a FFBBL (Frum From Birth But Lacking), sort of like OUDe (dairy equipment). Then others will be labeled with OTDCBAHS ( Off The Derech Coming Back on After High School) that's an OUD. Now its easier to keep yourself kosher with labels on everybody, you wont come in contact with someone you don't want to. Of course there will be mashgichim going all around checking up on people. This is an attempt to "fix" the shidduch crisis.


Everyone will be so into hechsherim, that every school will also have to have a hechsher on it. Schools will either be marked with Treif, Ba'adatz, or Kaf K. Treif being; anything that has a secular department. Ba'adatz being; learning non-stop to kollel, and Kaf K will be somewhere in between but frowned upon. If you send your children to the wrong yeshivah then you will be second class citizen.


The next thing to be hit, will be the communities themselves. Williamsburg is going to the dogs, to hipsters and bicycle lanes, this placed is deemed too treif, and that means anyone who lives there is not kosher enough. This doesn't say much for places out of the tristate area, they are for sure not kosher. Boro park and Midwood is borderline kosher, why you might ask? well its obvious, they don't have separate sides to walk on for men and women. Lakewood eer hakodesh and Bnei brak are kosher. New square, kiriyas Yoel, meah shearim, and any other sorts of towns like that are the kosherist (meah shearim is its own town, if kiriyas yoel is its own country) . Of course if you live in the wrong community you are an out cast and not Jewish.

I'll end it with this: I always thought the caste system in India was exaggerated, but now my thoughts are changing.

18 people gave their 2 cents:

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

that was smart and funny!

Mikeinmidwood said...

Ex Babysitter

Thanks

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

MikeInMidwood: lol

Your welcome!

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

and btw, you left out regular flatbush

Mikeinmidwood said...

Jewish Side Of Babysitter

Oy, Midwood is flatbush, or is the line under my blog title wrong.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

I thought Midwood is only till Nostrand or something? I remember you once wrote about it.

Mikeinmidwood said...

Babysitter

that is correct, I did write that, but if you look at the comments there you will find that Frumskeptic who lives in sheepshead bay, siad that people call her area flatbush as well. What exactly is east of nostrand I dont know.

Child Ish Behavior said...

They have such a thing already. When a armed security service, or a cleaning service hires someone they get them bonded. They check into their details and ensure that the person is trustworthy. They also insure the person for any possible infractions.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

well her area I know is called Sheepshead bay. My area isn't Midwood or sheepshead bay or marine park. So that leaves Flatbush, lol

Mikeinmidwood said...

Child Ish Behavior

I meant it more as an actual label that goes on the person, they wear it like a any food product labeled kosher, that way anyone can see.

Babysitter

I know you would like to think it that way, but Flatbush is north of ave. H or foster, and east flatbush is. well east of flatbush, you are somewhere in the middle of marine park and east flatbush.

Talmudist said...

Since tattooed-hechsherim would be trief, we might be able to embed chips in people's wrists, that when scanned with a portable device, would indicate the scanee's level of kashrus.

Mikeinmidwood said...

Talmudist

If you would look at my post MORE GREAT INVENTIONS http://mikeinmidwood.blogspot.com/2008/12/more-great-inventions.html Youll see that the scanner, by that time, will has been invented by kosher innovations, this only makes me doubt your level of kashrut.

frum single female said...

hilarious! hope no shadchanim are reading your blog and getting ideas!!

Mikeinmidwood said...

Frum single female

You make an excellent point. But although these are great ideas, they will only come after Obama is done his term, which is impossible because moshiach will be here by then according to frummies. Therefore I am not worried.

Moshe said...

not Babysitter, aren't you in Marine Park? There are several people from shul who live a couple blocks past you and that's Marine Park. Dina lives next to you too, though towards me unlike the other people.

Mike, east of Nostrand, here there be dragons.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

Moshe: Well I'm not really in marine park, that starts like a few blocks away from me.

East of Nostrand is the best! That's the real flatbush.

Mikeinmidwood said...

Babysitter

You couldnt have been more wrong. The real flatbush is over the Ave. H border, and not over nostrand.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

MikeInMidwood: ahh ok I dunno where I live, lol. I wiki'd it, and I still dunno. But when I googled my zip code, I found a cool page on the citi website that has tons of info about the neighborhood.