A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

WERE SO BAD WE MADE THE NEWS

Okay maybe not international news, or even national news, but since most Jews live in the tri-state area, we made it there; because vos iz neias wrote about it and Jews read vos iz neias (yes we only made vos iz neias that's how bad we are, its still news). You do know that in Brooklyn its almost impossible to park, we as Brooklynites will fight tooth and nail for our spots. Many a times we have to fend off bad neighbors who try to save spots, or take up two spaces with one car, either way its a nightmare here in Brooklyn. Well you can congratulate yourselves now that we finally made the news with this daily occurrence, a guy fought (with hands and feet, not tooth and nail like the rest of us) for a parking space and then was arrested for it. Some will say "hey it was bound to happen sooner or later", others will say "Why fight over a parking spot, I just double park". But do you really want to be known as the borough of bad parking? then we got to get our act together and be more considerate of others.

It may seem from the last few sentences that I am calling on everyone to make a difference in Brooklyn, but I know better than that, people will never be more considerate just because I am calling for it, especially in Brooklyn.

SHABBOS GREETING AWKWARDNESS

We know how to greet someone on shabbos; the other person is two cement boxes away, about 4 feet, that makes you actually able to look like you are greeting the other person, (not screaming) and giving them a chance to say good shabbos back before passing you. Then there are the times that things go wrong, or awkward occurrences, that sprout from this common occurrence.


Lets say you are walking, and you notice the person coming towards you. In fact they notice you too. You cant just look away, that seems weird. You cant look at the person the whole time till they pass you, that's also weird. Some people will try the look down trick, or the "I am looking straight ahead passed you" look, which never really helps. So as you both are walking towards each other, it gives a weird feeling inside both of you, till you say good shabbos. Another thing you don't want to do, which I find annoying, is right before you pass the other person you cross the street, and in affect, nullifying theirs and your shabbos greeting requirement. Don't do that because I was just about to say it and you walk away, it creates an awkward feeling in me and you, probably, too.

Some times you just aren't sure if you say good shabbos or Shabbat shalom, for example if you think the person is Sephardic, maybe a shabbat shalom is necessary. Then it happens where you cant tell if the person is Sephardic, now you'll never know what to say, and you will always end up looking stupid.


Saying good shabbos to male/female if you are a female/male. This turns out to be a problem only in Brooklyn, because out of town everyone says good shabbos to everyone. If you do say a good shabbos, in Brooklyn, you will probably get a look of astonishment from the other person, which really means "how could you even have the nerve to say good shabbos to the opposite gender", and sometimes you get the invisible look, where the opposite gender pretends you don't even exist. Very rarely, in Brooklyn, will you ever get a good shabbos back.


Many times the people you are greeting will mumble something like "gishbs", which just means they really don't want to say good shabbos. You'll look back at them and wonder, "why couldn't they just say a normal one, am I not worthy enough for one?" Sometimes you will get a nod from people, which I think is better than a "gishbs". For some reason I have never heard anybody say "you too" to a good shabbos, I don't see why it wont work, are you not greeting the person back?

Another weird problem is, you are walking back from shul, for you its after shabbos, the people passing you are on their way to shul, they didn't finish shabbos, or the opposite way around. Do you say "good shabbos", or "gut vuch", you'll never know. On Yom tov it gets harder, what do you say; Gut yuntif, chag sameach, chag kosher v'sameach, Yom Tov (good day)? And on shabbos that falls out on yom tov it gets harder, do you say "good shabbos" first and then the yom tov greeting, or just one them?

Then there is the don't answerer's. These people brush right by you, they also give the "you don't exist" look. That isn't awkward, its just chutzpah.

If you ever pass a group of people: That even you're expert on shabbos greeting etiquette doesn't know what to do. In that case it will always leave you with is an awkward feeling.

Shabbos greetings are just so hard, no wonder people in Boro Park gave up on it.

INSANE, RETARDED, STUPID....PATERSON

This nudnick is giving me a hard time. First he doesn't want me to get fat, then he wants me to use "Eco-friendly" bags, WHATS NEXT?!! I'll tell you whats next, he is making ME (and you) pay for paying taxes.

Who the Heck does this guy think he is? He is in office for less than a year, he got lucky the guy before him was a dope. He is blind in two ways; one he cant really see, and he cant tell where he is leading us. Doesnt he know the worst thing to do right now is take more money out of peoples pockets, we don't feel like spending any more because we have so little. I don't even know why he isn't just taxing obese people if he didn't want people to become fat, don't tax someone who just wants to treat themselves to a little snack!!

Well now he wants people to be taxed for the paper they use, TO PAY THEIR TAXES!! all because they could have used a computer, and even that he is taxing 4 CENTS!!. Who did he hire to think of all theses stupid, yet very inventive, ideas. I don't care about four cents, BUT WHY SHOULD HE!!!?!!! Does anyone else here think that's absurd? I am kind enough to pay my taxes, any you go ahead and tax me for paying it, OXYMORON!! STOP TRYING TO NICKEL AND DIME THE ECONOMY SO YOU CAN GIVE A 17% RAISE TO YOUR STAFF. AAAHHHH!!! CRAZY!!!!

So he thinks he is trying save the economy with his "Eco-friendly" projects, taxing paper or plastic bags for groceries, or taxing using paper to pay taxes; either way that is not being "economically-friendly". One reason why is; all the paper work it will take to pass the law is killing so many precious trees, and second, to document all the taxes it will kill more trees than it saves. Besides, you aren't being "economically friendly" to the economy which just about sucks right now. How about stop taxing everything we buy, and use to buy things with, and people will start buying a little more

He's insane, he's retarded, he's stupid, he's Paterson, and we have to deal with him for a little more.

I THOUGHT OUR COMMUNITY WAS ULTRA ORTHODOX?

I thought that our community was almost as Orthodox as it gets, then my bubble was burst when I saw this poster hung up everywhere.

A few weeks (months) ago, there was a major gathering of women in Israel. What they spoke about there was issues dealing with women, and the speaker they had was a man (rabbi). Why? well, the Rabbanim (men) felt that a women (rebbetzin) could not make a public speech, because it was immodest, even though it was in front of only women (you could argue that, but lets not and say we did). Now, when I saw this poster I thought, of course a man is going to deliver the speech (the rabbanim in Israel said so), right? . Well, I was wrong, in fact there is not one speaker who was a male; plus, no one said anything about that, and its the third week of this. Which leads me to think, "Are we that Orthodox?". Ill leave you to decide.

Although the Wolf is a professional photographer, I believe I did a great job, you could say I really captured the moment ;)

AS THE BALL FALLS SO DOES EVERYTHING ELSE

At exactly 12:00 01 (that is 12 o'clock and 1 second) the big ball in times square will have fallen, it will mark the end and the beginning of a new Gregorian year on your Gregorian calendar, so does it represent everything else that's gone on this year.

The stock Market has fallen: The Dow Jones, and other big stock organizations, have taken the plunge. For the first time in a lot of years we are lower than some number, excuse me if I gave up on were the market is these days. People have plummeted to their deaths, jumping off building, they couldn't take the fact they lost so much. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes how far we are from the top?

The economy has caved in: Now more than ever people are losing their jobs. Companies you would never have thought could go bankrupt did. Some disappeared, some merged. Doesn't matter what happened, it means that things are on a slope, that has been rained on for too long, and is ready to give way to all the pressure. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes how far we fallen from the top?

The missiles have came raining down: Israel has been attacked for months now, with a shower of Kassams every day. The region of Darfur has been in turmoil. Russia invaded Georgia. Gaza is being reduced to rubble. Iraq is still a danger, the shoes came raining down. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes just a hop wont bring us to the top?

The dollar fell: I went to Israel and the taxi drivers didnt really want the American money. The dollar even fell past the canadian one. It went back up but its falling again. As the people jump up and down, happy to see the ball drop, do they know it symbolizes that the world is fed up?

Eveything has been a downturn for the world. The people dont realize that the ball is just a symbol of all that has happened. They cheer, and wait in the frigid cold, all to watch everything fall. That ball will not go back up, not this year. What are they celebrating? its not something to be happy about.

Okay, so its been a very pessimistic post so far. Heres a little something to cheer you up.

The Gas price has dropped: From a high 4.30 something and maybe more, to the "we would have never dreamed so low" 1.83. We have what to be happy for. Was it the offshore drilling, or was it that we were about to look for alternative energy, that did the trick. As the ball dropped, they understood that these gas prices could not be topped.

Peoples blood pressure dropped: at least mine did.

What is it that dropped and was good or bad. What does the ball dropping symbolize to you, and would it be cooler if they actually dropped it from a building, watching it smash to ground.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

I was on a city bus in Israel. One of those Charedi packed buses, with guys who decided to not use deodorant. The stench being so unbearable, you can actually smell armpit (gross, I know). Being that I wished to breathe, I sat in an area where, there were more women.

The bus got really crowded, to the point were I gave up my seat, to a woman. The Charedi men were infuriated, and started to beat me with their smelly arms. How dare I give up my seat to a woman. I defended my case, Rosa Parks like, I wouldn't take the seat. Kidding, that's not what happened. She called me a Tzaddik, for giving up the seat. She made a real big deal about, how nice I was. Half the words out of her mouth, I couldn't understand, but I got the gist of it.

Now when I ride the train or bus in New York, it is common for me to give up a seat, and I think nothing of it. For some reason she thanked me. Then it hit me. Charedi people don't do this. They will never give up a seat, nor be kind to another person. The fact that most Chareidim, ignore the common rules of Derech Eretz. I finally got something out of it, I felt good, for doing such a small deed.

ISRAELI DRIVERS ARE CRAZY

So this past July I went to Israel and I have heard of the crazy drivers there. At first upon hearing this I didn't believe it so much, being that I went to Israel before and did not see. People kept on telling me every little alleyway is a two way street, highway speed in Me'ah she'arim's narrow and short streets. Anything you could think of about driving (crazy) was said. I personally thought that New York driving was the worst. In New York I almost got hit many times and was hit once (not hard). I have heard Miami was bad too.

When I made it to Israel I needed some means of transportation for my luggage and me. I of course took a taxi (sheiroot i think its called or mony-oht). This was my first experience that I remember in an Israeli taxi. All the other times I was too young or just didn't notice.

I wasnt ever that scared in my life, for my life before that moment(s). I have been on roller coasters, but nothing like this. This crazy taxi driver was driving in and out of lanes (no turn signals of course), was bumper to bumper with these other vans and trucks. He was forcing this little car to drive as fast as it could or he would ram it out of the way, like you would do on video games and this car did not look like it had more than 4 cylinders. We made sharp turns around corners of mountains. It had me and my brother (the one who was up after the flight) praying for our lives.

That reminds me of a joke. Theirs a rabbi and a Israeli taxi driver that died and they meet in heaven. The rabbi asks the taxi driver who has this huge golden palace "what did you do to deserve this and me not"? so the Taxi driver answers "when you gave a speech everyone fell asleep when I drove they prayed".

Anyway we finally make it into Jerusalem in one peace (my praying payed off). So the taxi drivers sees a little rounded corner he needs to pass so he goes at top speed for some odd Israeli reason. As we are turning there is a garage and someone is pulling out. the driver pulling out makes a quick stop so as not to get crushed by this maniac but is in the street a little and now the taxi driver has to stop and turn out of the way. Instead of turning a little he comes to a screeching stop, rolls down his window and scream Idiota!! (meaning idiot) and drives off. That one had me and my brother rolling on the floor it was so funny.

Lucky for me I did not have any close stories to that, the rest of my stay. Although now if I hear a car coming in Israel I run out of the streets and find shelter, like they do in Sderot for kassams. What is scary to see is the #2 bus that drives through Me'ah She'arim there are people on the sides that are almost crushed against the buildings. Let me explain. Me'ah She'arim is got alleyways all through it. The bus hardly fits through them and there are people that walk on the sides. If that bus makes one wrong move they are permanently part of the bus or wall. Same goes for the old city.

I now have no fear of walking/driving in new york (not that I had to begin with). And all those thing I thought weren't true about Israel are now true. They definitely have the worst driving skills if they have any at all. I think its luck not skills.

P.S. If you see a blue toyota sienna beeping for no reason its my aunt, run!