WHAT THE MEDRASH DIDNT TELL YOU

You think that you know it all, the whole Purim story, since you've been in kindergarten. You read the little medrash says when you were younger and you read let my nation live, but you really don't know anything. let me tell what really happened.

Lets start from once Esther became queen. Mordechai sat outside the kings palace. This is a shanda said all the rabbonim, how could a tzaddik sit outside the kings palace and not in a beis medrash learning, doesn't he know that outside the koislei beis medrash there is tons of pritzus, especially near the kings palace. Mordechai was banned from the community, but he was re accepted when he didn't bow down to wicked man Haman. The rabbonim of Persia also didn't like that a yiddishe maidel like Esther married a goy, and the shadchan really didn't know what to say about her children once they were ready get married.

Then Mordechai saved the kings life, a major uproar in the Persian Jewish community happened, how could Mordechai save a rasha. Countless bans went up on Persian yeshivah World News, and the comments written in cuneiform blasted Mordechai for such an act. When Haman put out his plan to exterminate the Jews the Kanoim of the generation blamed it on the lack of tznius in the persian empire, not the fact that the people strayed from the path, strict laws of wearing only black in the dessert countries were implemented by many of the Yihudim.

Then came the night the king couldn't fall asleep and Haman unexpectedly showed up to tell the king what should be done to the man the king wishes to honor. Turned out Mordechai, the one the Jews were blasting at the time, was going to pulled around by the wicked man Haman, thanks to Hamans suggestion, on the kings horse none the less, which is like pulling up in the modern day Cadillac Escalade. The Jews of Shushan decided to riot, they weren't going to let a parade of any kind, its a toeivah. As the horse was being drawn around town the Jews lit garbage's on fire and were pouring acid on anything not tznius.
at one point the Jews threw the flaming garbage on Haman, it got confused up with his daughter throwing it in the story through some gematria, don't know how that one goes.

From that point on the stories a blurr, but you can see all the points your little medrash forgot to tell you, so when you read the megillah try and remember that the world then wasn't so different from ours today, or there is no moral to this post and forget that last line.

Kosher Innovations That Didnt Make It

Over the years KI has made inventions that have astounded the Jewish world. The most famous being the kosher lamp and toilet paper. Some less famous ones include the mitzvah muzzle and lashon hara gag. But there were some ideas that were rejected or just never caught on.

Tznius leg warmers were one of the items that never made it. Being that regular leg warmers resemble pants they decided to make it a one piece that wrapped around both legs instead of two separate ones for two separate feet. It never caught on due to the inability to walk in them.

Purple Ketchup. Who remembers purple ketchup? Yes the KI institution of frumology came up with this one. We know that red is an immodest color. If you like being bleached then hop on over to meah she'arim wearing red, they will be more than happy to shower you in bleach. So instead of the usual immodest ketchup they turned it purple. The purple Ketchup hit its climax when it made its way into McDonald's happy meals. That's when Kosher Innovations decided their product is to kosher to make it to a non-kosher place, and they pulled it from the shelves never to be seen again.

The Umbrella Hat. The hat that could be used for davening and acts as an umbrella when you cant carry one on shabbos. This too never caught on for various reasons that included it looking ridiculous.

The Talis Kattan Bag. "We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item over night. Available with name tags (this is from last years post)". Well as much as they thought it would catch on like the talis bag, it didn't and they aborted this one too.

There are probably many more of inventions like these that I don't know of. They feel rejected and hurt because no one wants them. I'm just voicing them to others out there, because maybe they too will one day become like their role model inventions such as the Kosher Phone, Kosher lamp, Tefillin sweater and others.

Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

JUDAISMS NEXT TOP MAIDEL

A new reality TV series on the all Jewish network Shidduch Central, has become all the rave among orthodox TV watchers, much like the hot game show Magen David. Judaisms Next Top Maidel is an intense show that features 12 Jewish girls who are competing to become Judaisms most talked about single. The girls go through a series of competitions that requires them to look their best in black and without any makeup. They are rated by a panel of rabbis who wont look at them, to determine who will be the next top maidel.

There are some who object to this show, too much gossip is emanating from it. Last week we left off with 5 contestants, when Batsheva was eliminated she had this to say "(Sobbing with tears coming down her eyes) I... I... I tried my hardest (sob) and I just didn't make the cut, I guess next time I need to have more bitachon in hashem. Baruch Hashem at least now I'll be able to see my family again (sob)." This lead to many blogs and the Jew S Weekly to promote gossip about her, saying that Batsheva had went into a serious depression and was now outside the box for potential shidduch matches, this only enraged those who dslike the show.

The show still seems to be a big hit among many despite the objection by some. It just seems to have everything, drama, like when Sarah got into a big fight with Esther because they both wore the same shade of black, and of course it has the private interviews with people getting really emotional for no reason. All this adds up to the most watched show on Shidduch Central.

Judaism Next Top Maidel airs Wednsdays at 8:00 O'clock eastern time right after the eveniing news with YWN.

THE KOSHER BOOKS ARE ON THEIR WAY

Remember when I made a kosher Harry potter, with kaballah and kishuf instead of magic called Chaim Snyder. I thought it was the most original idea I ever had, I even gave you a few reasons why they might make the new Chaim Snyder series, just for fun. Now I don't know if my post sparked someones imagination or they thought of it first, but they are coming out with a new Kosher Sherlocke Holmes book.

Now this is the truth, I'm not making this stuff up a kosher version of Sherlocke Holmes so Jewish boys can read it. I don't know anything about it, it could very well be that he uses gemaros to solve a mystery, or that he asks a wise rabbi and he gives him the answer through ruach hakodesh, or he goes for the old school style and uses a magnifying glass, I'm not sure what they'll do to make it kosher.

What bothers me is that they actually think there is something wrong with the Sherlocke Holmes of old, I didn't find anything wrong with any of his books besides for the fact that he smokes a pipe, talks to women not behind a mechitzah and has an assistant called doctor and not gabbai, okay maybe that is a reason to change the book.

As of now I cant find any links to this story, if I find I'll update.

INTERESTING NEWS

Good evening I am your host Mike In Midwood. In tonight's news the global chain store Gap has sold one of its top and most expensive branches, Banana Republic, to a Jewish organization made up of rabbis know as Agudath Yisroel. The offer was made by the rabbis after they noticed that there were many orthodox Jews who shopped there often, one anonymous rabbi was reported saying "Its ah shandah dat dey buy frum dis Banana Republic, bananas are meant for monkeys and dats for de shvartzes you see on de street". The new frum chain store, Rabbinical Republic, will sell only expensive black clothing (the picture shows the manikins). The designer of the new chain store told us in an exclusive interview, ".... There will be so many different styles of black it will blow your mind...". The new Frum store will be opening up worldwide next z'man.

In other news (straightens stack of papers), Kosher Innovations has made your commute to the city just a little more kosher. The idea came up as coworkers, at the KI main building on 13th ave. in Boro Park, were brainstorming as to what to do for all the people who don't drive to work, and therefore don't use a kosher GPS to guide them, how will they get to work kosherly? One of the coworkers told us how it went down, "We just couldn't figure out what other useless item we can innovate, then someone mentioned Kosher subway cars, and we all jumped over the idea". The new Kosher subway cars, much like the kosher GPS, will feature a male voice, instead of a woman's and a mashgiach to make sure the car stays kosher. The male voice will be used to tell you which stop is next and to stay clear of the closing doors (please). The idea is being tossed around the MTA as of now, and is said that if the new subway cars come in the fare will be hiked up another 25 cents.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.

This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

CHAIM SNYDER

Ever since the creation of Harry Potter, the Jewish world has gone into a frenzy. This has happened for many reasons; some say that the book is inappropriate for Jewish minds, others say its because a non Jew wrote it, and some rabbis say that people might come to say accio TV remote, which would then be practicing kishuf (black magic), but the majority of rabbis agree that its because if you read the book you will then want to see the movie, and movies are assur. But what ever the reason is all, rabbis are against it and there seems like there is nothing they can do to stop the potter frenzy. That is until they decided to come out with their own book, or shall I say sefer, called Chaim Snyder.


The new series is about a boy by the name of Chaim Snyder, who was kidnapped by a bunch of christian priests and brought up christian (the priests killed his parents). When he becomes 13 years old he gets a visit from a rabbi, who was sent to find him before his bar mitzvah and tell him he was Jewish. Chaim then embraces Judaism and is sent to a top yeshivah in Israel where he is supposed to learn. Over there in Israel he makes new friends who are very into kabalah. He becomes very "good" (what ever that means) at kabalah and can perform unnatural things, or nisim. Just as he is having a great time in Israel, there rises a new pope who has the power of kishuf, the pope is also making a visit to Israel very soon. Chaim and his friends decide to stop this pope. On their way they have to fight through phony fortune tellers, and Israeli taxi drivers to stop the pope..... sorry I cant give the whole story away, but the new pope was the one who killed Chaims parents in the beginning.


This is the new sefer the rabbis hope is going to combat the awful harry potter series, also the rabbis wont allow it to be made into a movie. In my opinion the new book is only going to be a hit for those who didn't read harry potter, because it was assur.

INNOVATING USELESS KOSHERNESS

We here at Kosher Innovations are working hard for you at every given moment, and are looking to make your kosher life easier. So we introduce to you THE KOSHER LAMP, LIGHT SWITCH COVER tm. This new invention allows to you to feel safe when around your kosher lamp, so you wont come to turn it off. See how we make your life easier.

Also for shabbos, we have a new alarm clock. You have the regular alarms for shachris 1, and shacharis 2, then mincha and ma'ariv; but now we have one new alarm for the musaf service too, to make sure you don't over sleep musaf.


Have you ever felt the need to calculate how much money you owe to your child's yeshiva? Well we are in the middle of mass producing a never before seen pocket computer system, that will be able to instantly calculate how much you owe to the yeshiva. All you have to do is punch in a few numbers from your bill, and how much you paid so far, and it will magically tell you what you owe. All those years of not taking math class, will finally pay off. And if you order right now, then when we start to sell the product, we will give you an extra one, free!, so you can keep track of your other child's tuition bill too!

Kosher Innovations is truly working hard for you.


To donate to this non-profit organization call 1800-Ino-vate, or e-mail us at Kosherinnovaters613@yahoo.com (you cant e-mail us from optimum or dial up, only koshernet will work)

POP GOES THE FRUMMIE

Is it just me, or did most frum girls decide to place a bump in their hair? I don't get it why would someone want to place a bump in their hair? I can see wanting to make your hair long, curly, straight, short, tie it up in a knot, use a clip, shave your head bald, but a bump is just weird. Besides the fact that it doesn't look good to begin with, what made frum girls decide to bump up their hair. Is there a ban on hair longer than 2 feet and they just bunch it up instead? or (chas v'shalom) its a real style? Can someone please explain.

DID THE TABLES TURN OR DID I JUST SWITCH SIDES?

For a little over a year strawberries have been banned, due to infestation. I have always liked strawberries, but now I have to eat their cousins the kiwi, who is not as good. The strawberry saw itself drop from the markets, no more shmorgs with the strawberry salads, no more weddings with strawberries going untouched, the strawberry era had died.

That was until recently, when an unlocal Israeli rabbi supposedly lifted the ban. I was shocked, "are the tables turning" I thought to myself "could it be that after 7 years of chumros, will come the 7 years of heterim?" I dreamt. Then VIN interpreted the Rabbis words. The Rabbi meant that, if there were worms that were invisible to the naked eye then you can eat the strawberry (then yosef was appointed to viceroy). Who in the world makes a mistake between visible worms and invisible worms! and if the worms are visible youre still not allowed to eat them, no matter what the rabbi says. Im not getting how someone can make such a mistake.

So when I thought the tables had turned, they didn't, and I was only fooled that they did, it was an optical illusion (or they turned invisible who really knows?). Well, now I cant wait for the next chumrah (Yaakov please come and end this 5 years early).

AN ALMOST TRUE NEWS REPORT

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In recent news such sites like Vos iz neias and Yeshivah world, have been banned by local authorities. Until recently, reports were unclear as to why the sites were closed down, due to the fact that we get our news from these sites. But in an exclusive interview with an anonymous rabbi, we made the unclear, clear. "To have a yiddishe owned site is a chilul hashem, what will the goyim say if they found out we were using their Internet? nu? and all de machloikesim these sites create is anti yiddishkeit. They are constantly coming up with new halchos in their coffee rooms. I don't even understand how you can have a coffee room in the Internet? who supplies it?" said the anonymous rabbi.

Our very own David Spiegler, is out in the streets giving us live feed from everyday people. David: "Yes Mike, as you can tell this was a big shock to the local Jewish community. It seems to me that we have some very mixed opinions about this recent event. Everyday person: "Its about time they shut down some treife sites like these, anything we do to pure ourselves of sites like these is hashems will". "While another person, Mike, had some other ideas". Other person: "Why would the rabbonim ban such a site? I was commenting on YWN and preaching how we should listen to the rabbonim with no questions asked, but why did they close the site? it was kuloi toirah". (David asking other person) "Do you think that YWN created machloikisim between yidden?". Other person: "Of course it did, who did you think I was yelling at in the coffee room? only the non believers who believe its okay to be commenting on the Internet". David Spiegler: "As you can see some of the views of the people are confusing, as seen with the last one interviewed".

Thank you David. There is yet to be a comment made by the creaters of the sites There are a minority of Rabbis who suggest that they allow the sites to remain open, because they are afraid of the other places the people will get their news from.

I am Mike in M. and good night. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (background music).

THEY WERE RIGHT

Today I decided to visit the infamous coffee room of YWN, for the very first time. I knew I would find something interesting. The commenter Pashuteh Yid is highlighted in red.

"Slits being a problem has no basis in halacha. The requirement is that the knees and above be covered at all times. Most people feel that you need an extra few inches so that the knees are covered when sitting, as well. So any slit that ends 3 inches below the knees is totally fine, as the entire skirt could end there. Anyting you do below the 3 inch line is OK. You can have a slit, you can have elaborate cutouts, you can eliminate everything, you can cover down to your toes, you can embroider a picture of your dog, whatever you do is fine, as long as everything is covered above the 3 inch point.
We have enough halachas, why invent new ones? "

I do like his last sentence, pretty smart. The next commenter, Why do I even bother (his name), is highlighted in maroon.

"Pashuteh Yid, I will let the others jump down your throat, but I do have to say that your comment is one of the dumbest, narrow minded comments I have read. Most people at least say that "My rav told me this" or "In my community this is acceptable". You just went and paskened your (wrong) opinion..."

I love what this guy wrote, he actually wrote one of the dumbest, most narrow minded comments Ive ever read. He actually cares how a person presents his case; rather, than on the facts he states, and he called him wrong, and poshiter yid was clearly right. But not to worry, another comment was made in the coffee room, one that was seen coming for miles, highlighted in orange and written by chuck schwabb (not the company).

"The total lack of tznius today is a terrible machla on us. We need to do a lot to alleviate this tznius crisis. Anything towards that goal, is highly commendable. "

Ahhh.... that was refreshing, I was just itching to hear something like that (what I actually guessed someone would say is "Untznius people are causing the swine flu epidemic, yidden listen to your father in heavens message").

I was told, countless times, that if I checked it out I would find something, turns out they were right. I will now coin a new phrase "Never underestimate the stupidity of a YWN commenter". Good Night.

FRUM APIKORSIM

Another short post ;)

It just so happens to be that a real machmir rabbi, who is lubavitch, wrote in his new sefer, "Anyone who believes the Rebbe is mashiach is an apikoris (apikoris comes from the name Epicurus, who was a Greek philosopher who believed to do as the heart desires, which goes against the Jewish religions philosophy)". This poses a great problem for many lubbies, do they risk being called an apikoris, or do they give up the messianic crap. I assume that most of them will give it up easily, because who wants to be a Frum apikoris, its better to be an apikoris who gets all the benefits of this world, so they will stay Frum. Then there are the guys that call up the Jewish radio stations, and tell hosts like Zev Brenner, that 770 is the new beis hamikdash, they wont give up so easily.

What I really like about this is that, it came right in time for lag Ba'omer, when all the Lubavs who promote the messianic claims are out recruiting. Now instead of just telling them they're crazy, I can tell them they're apikorsim. Thank you Rabbi, being machmir cant always hurt.

In what ways will this new ruling help you? Help you shut up lubby messianic missionaries? or steal aliyos from them because apikorsim aren't allowed to have one? or even maybe allow yourself to finally detach from this way of life. What ever it may be, tell.

MUM

After realizing that there wasn't enough labels for people, they decided to come up with a new one, Modern Unorthodox Machmir. These people are not like the modern orthodox machmir, like anyone really knows what that is to begin with, or like regular unorthodox. They are a group of people that decided that they are unorthodox, but are machmir in some cases, making them the new, or modern, unorthodox and machmir.

Well not anyone can just be Modern Unorthodox Machmir, you have to keep to a set of rules from that are derabanan and ignore the rest of which are deoraisah. For example; they will drive to shul on shabbos, they only eat the shmurah matzoh, but dip their McDonalds french fries in saltwater, they eat only chulent that was heated on the blech, but yet turn on and off lights on shabbos.

But they aren't just machmir on the derabanans like saying sefirah, they are also machmir on environmental issues as well. They are warned about the 11th commandment "though shall not have a massive carbon footprint". Weekly sermons from Rabbi Rebecca, and her husband Reverend Davis, at the local shul, are constantly reminding the kehillah about the need to keep the planet clean, and are putting bans on new products that falsely claim to save the environment, every day. Therefore the community of MUM's will only have one child, use recycled paper and strap themselves to trees all over the world.

The life of an MUM is a tough one, only the most Machmir of Jews are zocheh to enter their sect of Judaism.

BUT ITS KOSHER

We all know to keep ourselves clean, and to protect ourselves from catching this virus called the swine flu. Even though this is a major problem and concern for everyone, a member of the knesset, who was chareidi, decided to first let you know that you shouldn't call it "swine flu" because swine means pig and pigs aren't kosher, before he said what we should do to protect ourselves; and instead let everyone know he decided to call it the Mexico flu, because that's so much better.

This so called problem of naming something after something that's not kosher, is just too weird, so its not kosher, but its not like we are eating the non kosher item by calling it that name, nor will we be tempted to eat non-kosher just because it has the same name. This problem does not only exist in this case, there has been times where I heard people complaining about animal crackers. Yes, animal crackers that are shaped as horses, or rabbits, maybe a lion and a bear, were scrutinized for being non kosher animals, even though the product was kosher. These people were afraid that we are teaching kids to eat non kosher animals, I think Peta has a better claim than them, teaching kids to kill animals through biting off their limbs, there is more of a chance of that than eating real non-kosher animals.

Ill end this with one question for those people out there who are afraid to name things after non kosher items, "Weren't the shivatim compared to lions, wolves, snakes, donkeys, and those aren't kosher animals?". I seem to think the question answers are problem, and there is no need to be afraid, for whatever reason. So instead, get up there and tell us how to protect ourselves, not how to be more stringent.

KOSHER SITE?

Have you noticed the ads on Vos Iz Neias? lets just say they are getting worse. First it was anti-Zionism and now its pritzus (see where anti-Zionism leads you?). Do you know how many frum Jews visit vos iz neias just to get their news? and they don't want pritzus; that's one reason why they read that site. They don't want to hear 1010 wins, that's not Jewish, and they don't want to read Yeshivah world, because they have biased opinions (that's right it ain't news, its opinions). These people are being exposing others to what they really wanted to filter out, that's hypocritical, they aren't even doing anything about it. I wonder if koshernet will allow you to go to the site now?

I think that their will be an outburst, and a ban on VIN; this will then push frummies to say, "If a kosher site had pritzus, than any can" and that will be it for every kosher site (how will frummies get their news?). I believe this ban will happen in a few months, so watch out.

WERE GOING OVERBOARD.

This product claims to make things chametz free, because that's its name "chametz free". It uses plastic covers for door handles, faucets, cabinets, and anything else that has handles. As you can see on your picture to the right on the bottom, there is a doorknob with a cover on it, as I said before it claims to make things chametz free. Now why would you need to have your doorknobs chametz free?!!!!!!........ ! Your cabinets I can barely understand, and thats if they are in the kitchen. Faucets I don't understand, at all, because you can kosher a metal faucet, and its normal to do so. So why do you need them? the answer is, you don't, that's right you don't. Its all a conspiracy to get people to buy these stupid products, and this wasn't even made by Kosher Innovations. And that's bad, because now you will have two stupid companies fighting to come up with even stupider inventions, and us, the people will have to buy them because we may not be frum enough with out it. And it will all end up with a shadchan asking if you put covers on your doorknobs for Pesach, to determine if you are holy enough to be dealt with.

Yes we are going overboard, and somebody save us.

INCOMING!!!

Thank you for tuning into Mike Tonight, in news tonight.

A new ban is in motion. No one saw it coming, although you should have. The great Rabbonim of Brooklyn have decided to band together, to ban all unyeshivish kippot, in an attempt to stop yeshivah rebels from wearing downsized kippot.

"All religious stores are hereby ordered to rid the shelves of anything less than a size 5 yarmulke", it said on the rabbi signed document. It has been reported that a store in Brooklyn did not comply with the terms, and is being looted as we speak. Are very own David Spiegler is at the scene. "Hi Mike, behind me there is looting at this 18th avenue store. Broken glass, and fire, people have been taking all religious articles ranging from kiddush cups to kosher lamps from this store, all for not ridding itself of size four and down kippot. I spoke to the owner of the store he said he tried to reconsider before the looters took over, he said he will comply from now on". "Thank you David" One Rabbi was recorded saying "The smaller the kippah, the more they smoke; its better to have bigger kippot". We asked civilians on the streets what they think about this, one said "I agree 100%, I only hope it will be a kaporah for k'lal yisroels avonos".

But not everybody is so enthusiastic about this new ban. Some have been setting up a protest, set for next week, to stop this "tragedy", as they call it. One person said "The Rabbonim should be listened to, I believe in da'as torah, but sometimes they are wrong". Some people are afraid that if there aren't any size 2 and 1 kippot, then the yeshivah rebels might not wear any at all, causing them to never stop smoking.

That's it for tonight I'm Mike In Midwood. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (backround music).

KEEPING UP WITH THE MACHMIRS

You live in an area that's very competitive. Most people call it keeping up with the Steins, you call it keeping up with the Machmirs, your next door neighbor (their name means stringent). For some reason you are always one step behind them. For example, they don't eat strawberries, then when you decide to stop also, they go ahead and deem raisins also bad, you used to drink regular water till they only drank filtered, and now you're filter needs filtered water. Everything you do is not good enough.

So last week you decided that you are going to be ahead of the game, you are going to find out first, and they are going to have to copy you, only then will you keep up with the Machmirs. You go to YWN, nope, nothing new (of course you had your non machmir friend print it out for you). Vos iz neias isn't going to have anything more than the the yeshiva's coffee room, so you don't have your friend, whos non machmir, print it out. Finally you spot something, from somewhere else, "Women shouldn't visit the dead, should be quiet and not cry during a eulogy". You say that's perfect for you, but you think its not enough, you have to find more.

So you continue your quest for the most restricted life possible. On your way you over hear a conversation "Did you find that blue blackberry?" one guy says (it was actually you from the post before being spoken to, remember?) "Yes" the other guy says (you from last post). "Well, its mine, it has my name on the bottom of it, so and sostein". The guy who found it wasn't sure if he should give it back. You then thought to yourself that that's an awesome chumrah, and that the Machmirs could never do better than this, you wont give back lost texting machines (yay!). In fact through this you can learn another halachah, you shouldn't have blue blackberries (red ones are learned out from the fact that you cant wear red, so certainly your should not have a red phone, which is worn on your belt).

You run home from your shortened quest to find the most restricted life. You believe Machmir will never beat you, you are so overjoyed. NEXT WEEK (this week): Mr. Machmir comes home with a bottle of four hashgachah milk. Not only that, but it says on it, "Anachnu Machmirim, Machmirim bnei Machmirim (we are stringent, stringent the sons of stringent), this only proceeds to make you feel like he put a knife in you (of course kosher for shechitah) and twisted it (which hurts more).

Moral: Looks like you'll never keep up with the Machmirs.