DONT FORGET THIS ONE, HE'S MY NOMINEE!

People have forgotten where true talent has come from. Some people think shidduch blogs are all the fun, others think blogs solely about our community have it (yeah that's me), but you all forgot about our friend Frum Punk in Britain who really deserves to be nominated. That's why I've decided to nominate him to fly to Israel for the second international Jewish bloggers convention, and I think he will do a great job on recapping it for us, especially since he gave us a great description on his last visit to Israel (I wonder if he wants to go back).

So everyone out there help nominate Frum Punk for a free flight to Israel, the more votes the more of a chance. If you want to nominate any of your fellow bloggers you can use this link, and send a friend to the holy land.

EXPERIENCING JERUSALEM PART 1

You have finally made it to the Holy land, years of saving enough money have lead you here. You got off the plane and are looking for a sheirut (an israeli style taxi, not to be confused with sheirutim which means bathroom, you stupid American [did that joke come on too harsh?]) heading to Jerusalem. You aren't carrying as much luggage as you started with from America, due to a fight with another guy over who the suitcase belongs to, and you lost.

You tell the driver of the sheirut he must drive as quickly as possible, because you have no time to lose in your busy life. You then retract your statement because you notice, you don't want to lose your busy life. You are now shivering in your pants because the taxi driver was an authentic Israeli, and says he "knows" how to drive fast...... in bumper to bumper traffic. You finally make it out of the roller coaster, and truly believe the well known joke between a rabbi and taxi driver in heaven, whose punchline is: all Israeli taxi drivers go to heaven, because they make people pray to g-d.

You find hotel a to stop at and to unpack. You decide that since there is enough time in the day you will go to the Kotel and daven mincha. You take a #2 bus up to the WW (western wall) and you immediately rip your shirt upon seeing the holy site, you get looks from everyone around you, then you remember its not your minhag to rip your clothing when you see it; also, you ripped off all your buttons so your shirt doesn't close, exposing you tzitzis (Huh!), you feel stupid now. You pray your mincha, and are now heading back to the hotel while holding your shirt together with one clenched fist. Someone sticks out their hand, filled with some new Israeli shekalim, you look at your tattered shirt and then say to him "ani lo oni" (I am not poor) in your heavy American accent. The guy laughs at you and really wants you to take it from him, you walk on.

You get back on the #2 bus heading to the hotel. As you are about to sit down you are given a look from some guy in a black hat.... then a few people turn around. You wonder whats going on, while people begin to point at you, "Is it because I come from a country of cheesburgers and Im not fat?" you ponder, "or is it the ripped shirt?" as you begin to feel the affects of jet lag on yourself. You doze off and your shirt opens up once again, exposing your holy tzitzis. A Haredi Jew is heading towards you, loud whispers can be heard throughout the bus. Then he hits you squarely on the cheek, waking you up. As you are in a state of shock, he throws you from your seat. He screams at you in hebrew, "Why were you sleeping with your shirt opened, what chutzpah you have", then he says, "and you were sitting next to a women". You get up quickly, so as to not provoke any riots for these riot hungry people, and tell the guy who hit you "slichah" as any good American would do.

You decide on not continuing the ride, for fear that your kippah srugah wont protect you too much longer here. You look to your right and see white buildings built in stone, you look to your left and see the same thing, then you look up a street and then down one and its the same thing everywhere, all white buildings made out of stone, it occurs to you that YOUR LOST! You go trekking all over Jerusalem (little did you know you were doing some peoples favorite hobby, getting a good look at Jerusalem), and have no clue where you are or where to go , the idea that you could have just followed the bus #2 route and found your way flew right over you kippah srugah. You begin to use your half broken Hebrew and hand gestures to find your way, but to no avail.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey fellow bloggers or blogneighbors, this is an ongoing story I hope to write and finish. This is only part one part, two will come in due time.

TREKKING UP TO THE MOUNTAINS

Almost everybody on the block rented a u-haul, stuffed it up, and then traveled to the mountains this week. It was a site to see, parents calling out kids names to see if they left anything behind, trying to figure out how to squish in another suitcase and sheitel, O' it was a blast. Don't think that was the only reason I liked this week. In addition to watching them pack up I also saw them pack out of Brooklyn, which means MORE PARKING!!! spaces! LESS CROWDED SUPERMARKETS!!!

Why am I celebrating so hard? well have you ever tried looking for parking for 45 minutes? or was pissed off that someone took up two spots instead of one? or have someone blocking your driveway for a "minute"? Do you like the double parking on Coney Island ave.? my answer is no, and that is why I am so happy.

Have you ever walked into Moishe's discount supermarket with a pushcart, and tried to maneuver yourself out of one jam only to move into another, its just too crowded there (that's why I like Pomegranate better, but I don't go there often, its expensive). And forget about Thursday nights, its complete havoc in there. What I hate most are the spaced out bluetooth wearers, they just yap away about whatever and it can take a while before they realize they are in your way. Ooh and some are so stuck up, looking to see which is a better tomato sauce, pick one already and stop blocking the aisle.

But that is all over, those extra crowded supermarkets are gonna be upstate where I ain't, and parking will be a breeze, thank g-d for this wonderful idea of a summer retreat.

YAY HE CAME BACK!! AND NOT JUST TO GET HIS BAGS

I know that many bloggers, after going on vacation, decide to slack off and not write anything else, and then their blogs have a virtual death, but this blogger ain't gonna let that happen! lets all give a big hand to M in M!!!...... anybody?.....anybody? okay fine forget it.... sheesh. I now will be on top of schedule, and I will be visiting your blogs again.

My vacation was great, did you see the place I picked every vacationers dream, total relaxation. I really went on one because I felt burnt out, everything I was writing felt like I had used that style too many times. I also needed more posting material, the bad news is I only thought of 4 posts including this one.

Well its good to be back, and on a side note: two people found my face book account, which I myself forgot existed, I don't like the fact that it keeps telling me I only have two friends so friend me, and I wont feel so pointless.

BLOGCATION

I think I need a blogcation. Like a vacation, a blogcation is a time to relax and harness a lot more posting material. So I'm off (to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of blog, because because because because.......) on my blogcation. Enjoy my archives, and I'll hopefully be back in a week, till then this is what ill be doing.
Yeah, just picture me in there.

ON PATROL

Today me and my friend took a stroll through boro(ugh) park. We were schmoozing it up, having tons of fun, laughing at chassidish women with 10 children following behind them and over stuffed strollers. Watching chassidim hitch rides across boro(ugh) park. Guessing how many hatzoloh and shomrim members we can identify. Then we looked for a new game, one that was fun an easy to play. We made up a new game called "name the chossid". Basically, whenever you see a chassid, you have to correctly call them "Tuna beigel" or "Yoeli", then you can argue whether they fit the category of tuna beigel or yoeli. Its very easy to identify a TB, if they have a cigarette, or they aren't wearing any black clothing, or they have a ring of useless keys with 400 keys or so, or they came out of a Cadillac Escalade or Chevy Tahoe or even a Lexus. Some where in between both categories and hard to tell what side they leaned towards.

I had a lot of fun and would do it again, it beats any day watching baseball.

MY SUMMER VACATION PIX (a "little" late)

I was actually planning on posting the picks from my trip to Israel along time ago, too bad. You know how you have a digital camera that stores 1000 pictures, (actually the memory card) and you never have them developed, well I think I have that problem. But thanks to Snapfish.com things are going easier, and I can load them onto my computer from there. And without wasting anymore letters, The pictures.This was the turtle we found, its eating cucumber peels. I loved holding it from its shell and flying it around, like a kid with a toy airplane, then it would scratch me and I'd put it down, ahhh memories. (This was taken with a digital camera with optional [optical] zoom) My favorite landmark, and yet most of Jerusalem thinks of it as useless, the Gesher (bridge). Oddly shaped, and meant to have the newly installed monorail run on it. I love it, and everyone else think its out of place. Here's more pictures of the Gesher, from on the bus 99, at every angle. (Taken with a digital camera, on very low battery)(New picture) A nice picture of Jerusalem. If you can see, there is a road smack in the middle of this picture with two city buses (autobusim), that road is usually backed up for miles with city buses waiting to get into the kotel. This picture is either from on mount Scopus (har hatzofim), or is a picture of mount Scopus, where that big building is (I think its a church).

You see that little building through the gates, I believe that is called the hand of avshalom. The story goes that Avshalom, the son of king David, made this little thing with a hand on it, for what reasons I don't know. In the back of this picture is Har hazeisim (mount of olives).

See that little cave in there, it has something to do with the prophet Daniel. Did he hide the tzadikim in there?The mount of Olives; shouldn't it be called the mount of graves?You must know what this is, there are so many picture of this and so many puzzles with this in it, it Migdal David. I was actually debating if I need a picture of this, camera was on low battery, in the end I did as you can see.

In the lower half of this picture is a soccer stadium, Beitar v'Yerushalaim (team name) play there.

And this is the crazy house itself, The Knesset.

This is the holocaust memorial center, also known as Yad V'shem. I could have gotten a better picture, but too bad.
This one of the rarest birds around, and I cant believe I actually got a shot of it standing still, I think I did a great job with just a digital camera. Okay I was kidding there, I think its a stupid, but very well taken, picture of a bird by my brother.

YOUR PESACH CLEANING

Ever since Chanukah you haven't stopped scrubbing. You started with your attic, and then went straight towards the basement. By Purim you already had matzoh ready to give to shaloch manot, because you were afraid to have chametz. You also made sure not to accept any shaloch manot, for fear of any chametz residue. Now with a few days left to Pesach, you cant seem to find anything else to clean, but you keep going around searching with a spoon a feather and a candle..... that runs on a extremely powerful battery to produce a very strong light, every single day, who cares if everyone else only does that the night before.

Today, you have cleaned everything in you house, and yesterday...... and the day before. You have been so far removed from the purpose of getting rid of chametz; that you are getting rid of anything that will remotely make a mess, even the matzoh meal you have is to be taken with caution. You have become one with OCD, or a smaller version of Pesach syndrome (Pesach syndrome also involves crazy shopping attitudes, and weird minhagim like not eating anything that touched anything that was once a liquid for fear of it making your food gebrukts [which is only a fear of it having some flour not baked that you still have to wait 18 minutes for it to become chametz]).

You have cleaned, you have finished, nothing got in your way, and there is still a few hours now till Pesach. Wait, go back a few words "nothing got in your way", now how did that happen? you think to yourself. You then remember, YOU HAVE KIDS!!! You didn't prepare for this.

1,2,3,4 kids step into your house running amok, nope, now 5,6,7 and their all yours. They are spreading dirt all over the place, with their muddy shoes, or was it dog doo? You start going crazy, not knowing where to start to stop this. You try getting hold of all the kids, you line up which ever ones you can catch. You count ".....3,4,5 wheres 6 and 7?" you say. You turn around and 6 and 7 are assembling a chametz bomb. "Oh no" you scream. "Don't set that off...... how did you get that? what does it do?" you say. They reply "its a chametz bomb we leftover from Purim and we need to get rid of it before Pesach". "No way" you say "I cleaned the whole house for months now, don't make it all go to waste with a few hours to Pesach". Boom!! you are okay, but the chametz bomb did some serious damage to your house leaving pieces of bread, and leavened dough, stuck everywhere in your house. 6 and 7 are covered in chametz.

You quickly gather everyone in your family, as a stroke of genius falls upon you. You are going to sell the house to a goy and go somewhere for Pesach, in the few short hours you have left, just so you can avoid all the cleaning (how convenient). You, the seven children and spouse, are going to have a worry free Pesach after all, which begs the question, why not do this in the first place?

OH NO ITS COMING, AT THE WORST TIME!!!

Everybody quick, run, jump, hide, PESACH 09 is coming!! Everyone has no clue how it came so quickly this year, and what bad timing it has.


After learning that Purim does in fact come before Pesach this year, as in many other years, you can only wonder, WHY? Let me explain why we ask why; Purim has come and you gave everybody mishloach manot and they gave back, now you have tons of chametz laying around the house, and Pesach is coming in a month!! Why does Purim come right before Pesach?Explained.

I think Pesach has the worst timing possible; you have to prepare months before hand, and Purim is right in the middle of it. Well, the Talmud argues with me and says Passover comes at the best time of year, spring, and the Talmud is right (in affect that means The Talmudist is right too, somehow). To that I have two things to say: one is I am wrong and Purim is the one that should be moved earlier on the calendar instead, or, the Talmud only referred to the Egypt-Israel area (I am liking the last one) and everywhere else Peasch should be moved.

Since we confirmed this to be true, Purim before Pesach, and they arent moving (yet), there is only one good option, WE ALL GO SOMEWHERE REALLY EXPENSIVE FOR PESACH, AND LEAVE THE CHAMETZ BEHIND. 3 reasons why, one we are putting money back into the economy, 2) we are escaping all the chametz and 3) All the ads in the Jewish newspapers are practically begging us to for the last 3 months. Who's with me? anybody?....anybody?...... how about you, no? okay...... anybody?

PESACH HAS COME BEFORE PURIM THIS YEAR

Purim is almost here, and Pesach is right behind, or is it? I look at the calendar and see; Rosh hashanah (head of the year), Yom kippur, Succoth, Chanukah, Tu Beshvat, Purim, and then Pesach (see Purim comes before). In fact not only does it just look like it goes in that order from the calendar, I actually celebrate it first too. So now I (emphasis on the I) know that Purim is first, but some people don't. Who you might ask, why its the Jewish press that doesn't know this.

Wait how could the Jewish press not know when Pesach is, don't they have a timeline column, of course they know that Purim is before Pesach. So I ask you, "Why have the Pesach ads been coming in since after Chanukkah, and the Purim ads starting two weeks ago?" obviously Pesach is before hand.

Did you know that there were 31 ads for Pesach in the Jewish presss last week; Hotels, Cruises (Kosherica), trips to Israel, while the Purim ads were less in number. Hey, this is all before Purim, after Purim there is going to more room for Pesach ads. I don't even understand how all these different ideas for Pesach are going to make money, the supply is way more than the demand, nu how many people go on a cruise for Pesach?

So in conclusion Purim is coming before Pesach, as usual, but for the consumer mind, it doesn't seem like it is.

ISRAELI DRIVERS ARE CRAZY

So this past July I went to Israel and I have heard of the crazy drivers there. At first upon hearing this I didn't believe it so much, being that I went to Israel before and did not see. People kept on telling me every little alleyway is a two way street, highway speed in Me'ah she'arim's narrow and short streets. Anything you could think of about driving (crazy) was said. I personally thought that New York driving was the worst. In New York I almost got hit many times and was hit once (not hard). I have heard Miami was bad too.

When I made it to Israel I needed some means of transportation for my luggage and me. I of course took a taxi (sheiroot i think its called or mony-oht). This was my first experience that I remember in an Israeli taxi. All the other times I was too young or just didn't notice.

I wasnt ever that scared in my life, for my life before that moment(s). I have been on roller coasters, but nothing like this. This crazy taxi driver was driving in and out of lanes (no turn signals of course), was bumper to bumper with these other vans and trucks. He was forcing this little car to drive as fast as it could or he would ram it out of the way, like you would do on video games and this car did not look like it had more than 4 cylinders. We made sharp turns around corners of mountains. It had me and my brother (the one who was up after the flight) praying for our lives.

That reminds me of a joke. Theirs a rabbi and a Israeli taxi driver that died and they meet in heaven. The rabbi asks the taxi driver who has this huge golden palace "what did you do to deserve this and me not"? so the Taxi driver answers "when you gave a speech everyone fell asleep when I drove they prayed".

Anyway we finally make it into Jerusalem in one peace (my praying payed off). So the taxi drivers sees a little rounded corner he needs to pass so he goes at top speed for some odd Israeli reason. As we are turning there is a garage and someone is pulling out. the driver pulling out makes a quick stop so as not to get crushed by this maniac but is in the street a little and now the taxi driver has to stop and turn out of the way. Instead of turning a little he comes to a screeching stop, rolls down his window and scream Idiota!! (meaning idiot) and drives off. That one had me and my brother rolling on the floor it was so funny.

Lucky for me I did not have any close stories to that, the rest of my stay. Although now if I hear a car coming in Israel I run out of the streets and find shelter, like they do in Sderot for kassams. What is scary to see is the #2 bus that drives through Me'ah She'arim there are people on the sides that are almost crushed against the buildings. Let me explain. Me'ah She'arim is got alleyways all through it. The bus hardly fits through them and there are people that walk on the sides. If that bus makes one wrong move they are permanently part of the bus or wall. Same goes for the old city.

I now have no fear of walking/driving in new york (not that I had to begin with). And all those thing I thought weren't true about Israel are now true. They definitely have the worst driving skills if they have any at all. I think its luck not skills.

P.S. If you see a blue toyota sienna beeping for no reason its my aunt, run!

MIKE BACK IN MIDWOOD

The flight back was a long one, so I got enough sleep. Hopefully I am back on schedule and wont be tired mid-day.

The flight there was good. Even though it was night, you could still see rays of light from the other side of the world since we were flying so far north. That was nice. A few hours later we went south so the rays dissapeared but the light returned quickly by dawn. I really wish I had a camera too bad I put in my suitcase.

It was great and I got tons of new posts including one on Israeli driving. You seriously pray when your on the road. That reminds me do to recent attacks from bull dozers, I didnt like driving near or walking near construction sights.

I went to alot of places like the Kotel and dead sea. I worked on my Hebrew which ain't great but is not bad. I plan on going back some time next year. As for now I need to catch up on this blog.

MIKE IN ISRAEL

Summer Is a great time for vacations. So I am going to be in Israel for the month of July. I will not post or comment back for the month, but when I come back I will hopefully have a lot more for everyone to enjoy. I will most probably play Jewish Geography more than I usually do since I am going to be in Israel. The food will be great, can't wait for the rain free warm sunny weather. I do plan on climbing Masada which I hear they redid. I also will get to witness the Chareidim throwing rocks at cars on Shabbos.

The only part I hate is the plane ride. Well not the whole ride but the taking off part. I seriously do not like it. When I take off, I grab both arm rests and hold firm. My hand is sweating from all pressure I cause myself. Once were in the air I am okay unless we are going through turbulence. I am not one of those people that get up all the time and constantly annoy the person next to them by doing this. Nor am I the person who fears that a bird will fly into the engine. In fact I feel safer on a plane than I do in a car. (once the plane is in the air).

Getting back to the point. I will not be visiting this site in July unless a rare occasion pops up. You could visit and go over old stuff. See you all in late July. SHALOM.

P.S. I will post about shul politics after I come back.

A NORMAL CITYBUS RIDE (not so normal)

A city bus ride is an experience that you just cant find on a train. Yes the trains do have those black guys singing for money all day going from cart to cart but a city bus is got its style.It usually depends on what time of day your ride is that makes it an experience. If I go on at 9:oo AM it would usually be so crowded that I wouldn't have enough room to even fit on the bus. If I go at 12:oo PM it would be empty and the ride much quicker. The evening is where the fun is. The entertainment comes from the bus driver themselves. There are those bus drivers that don't care if the person has the money or not and lets them on. Then there are those that are new bus drivers, they have to say hi to everyone with a big smile on their face and wont move the bus until every single last person is behind the white line, cant come on the bus if you're 5 cents too short. It seems like they are taught before driving the bus that everyone has to be treated this way, and listen to the sign written on top of every bus, you know the ones that have the NO in big letters and say eating, drinking, music playing, standing in front of white line, etc.

They are the funniest when someone tries to sneak on through the back. I was once on a bus and there was a new driver meaning I was going to come home late. She listened to all the rules. She even made people get up for the elderly in seats not designated to get up for them. Then a kid tried sneaking on through the back. We waited twenty minutes (read very slowly) for the kid to come around put in the metro card get behind the white line on a crowded bus (you can stop reading slowly) Then she got up and screamed "people we are not moving this bus until everyone is behind the white line". A normal bus ride is between 15-20 minutes this one was a whopping 50 minute ride I could have walked faster...........why didn't I?

In the morning sometimes there is a preacher lady who tries to convert people I had her once or twice. She says "my rilligion is da best becawse my rilligion said so" I was going to scream out " hey I came on the city bus for a ride not a sermon" but my friend was there and I would really embarrass myself and I didn't want to argue with my stop coming up. She went on to say that Yeshka atoned for our sins and that it was the "ABC" of everything. Then she starts listing off from A-Z words that reflect him. I got off when she was in the middle, some were pretty funny how she connected it to him. It was a weired experience.

Many times I use the city bus to relax and look out the window unless I have something interesting to do or who to speak to. (I thought about this post on a city bus). The seating on the bus is a big deal. Many people wont sit next to someone instead they leave a seat in the middle open. Then there are those two seaters and they are hard to get out of when you are on the inside of one and you have to squish your way out and maybe your shoe comes off revealing you're socks or stockings. Soon someone will ban sitting in those seats because of that. Well those types of seats are how you define people. If someone Is alone in one of them and sits on the outer side that wont let anyone get in they are probably mean and you don't want to sit next to them unless they move over by them seeing that you want to sit, then go right ahead its okay.

When I sit in one I usually sit on the inner side and if anyone needs a place to sit next to someone I am usually first one they choose (see previous post for why) and the Black guys in the back usually never get sat next to. Story time again I was one the city bus about 3:00 and it was crowded. When its crowded you could assume that there is a gang in the back and no one wants to sit next to them this bus had one. A group of kids from a Yeshiva got on and sat pretty close to them (not to close) Then there was a fat lady next to them (I am guessing she came before). The gang said some racial comments to the kids and then the fat lady said shut up I have a headache. So now she was the target they started making fun of her that shes fat, and she says I lost 50 pounds so far. They laugh and say Imagine how fat you used to be and they start making sizes with their hands. The lady screams I have a black boyfriend I am not a racist (I don't know what made her say that) She takes her bottle she had and chucked it at them it ended up hitting one of the kids from yeshiva on the bus. The leader of the group gets up and punches her in the face. Then she starts cursing you little !@#!@@# and how dare you $%&$ blank @%$##. The bus driver calls 911 and now I have to get off the bus since the cops need to question the bus driver. The gang was arrested, the lady was telling the cops what happened and how she was innocent.

A city bus is a great experience (and a great post).

THE TRIP BEFORE PESACH

It happened the Thursday before Pesach. My family was going out to eat at a famous restaurant joint on eighteenth Ave. and Coney Island. My phobic brother begins tensing up over how crowded the place is and procedes to inject negative comments every so often ranging from how there's no way we are getting a table to the food itself. I was suprised to see how many chassidim filled the place but anyhow, I assertively grab the next free table. My brother though, continues his negativity complaining that the place is a mosh pit? Personally, I was unfamiliar with the term. He was still going on asking how we could possibly eat there what with the guys behind the counter using their hands to then dump the food on the plates. Annoyed with his attitude, everyone decided we should just leave. (Why we felt driven to actually leave because of him I still cannot figure out.)

My brother decided we should go for pizza instead. (That would make it the fifth night in a row having pizza.) At half past ten I exclaim that there is no way the place he wants to go to is open but he reasons that no place in their right mind would close anytime before one AM on erev Pesach. For some reason though we find ourselves actually heading to the pizza place passing a Shnitzel place on the way. I suggested we just go there but apparently that place was his third choice. Nevermind that it was open, avaible, relatively empty and right there... So we get to the pizza place and it was of course closed. (Beleive it or not it's one of the few pizza joints left selling two dollar slices.) We leave and find ourselves passing a kosher Subway. At that point I was willing to eat anything and exclaimed that we just go there... At the end of this whole fiasco we end up in good old dependable Pizza Nosh. We finally got a pie, and went home.

I guess we were destined to have pizza every night that week. (I don't think I could look at another slice..) Now it's Pesach though and all there is to eat is Matzah (thankfully we eat gebrukts.) Honestly though, people should wish others an easy Passover the way we do with fasts...

So everyone, have an easy Pesach.