A NEW BREED ARISES (evolution?)

The creature named Shul Shusher (or in Latin Synagogue Shushisis) is a staple in every shul, from big ones in Manhattan to the small basement shtiebel in Monsey. The shusher doesn't always accomplish their self imposed job, hence they keep on shushing. The life of a shusher is not a fun one, everyone hates you till you let them talk, even the kids hate you (just let them run in the halls will you), plus you seem to spit to often. But in some shuls there is a new type of shusher arising.

This new type of shusher, a more rowdy type, one that is more inclined throw a punch or two just to get you to shut up, is what we are dealing with. They are called the SHHHH I'm Trying To Talk To Someone Shusher, or SITTTTSS for short (the Latin name hasn't come in yet). These creatures love talking so much they make others quiet down so they can hear who they are talking to, just goes to show what kind of shuls they live in.

I myself have abandoned a few shuls due to the infestation, animal control isnt helping and Peta wont let me call the exterminator. But there is hope, they are searching for a species that will counteract the new breed and contain it.

Most experts believe the evolution of this once simple shushing creature is due to a mass of talkers concentrated in one area of a shul, thus drowning out any other noise and sometimes their own. This then irritates the talkers causing them to become more violent and turning them into SITTTTSS's. Others argue and claim they are of a totally different breed. A more recent study done by the "professors" at VIN teamed up with "scientists" from YWN , have attributed this new breed to the lack of tznius in the communities. Although there is no evidence to support their claims, VIN and YWN hold to it strongly.

Whatever the cause maybe, I really don't like being threatened by shushers and rather have them just say SHHHHH and spit on themselves while doing it.

KADDISH RACES

Have you ever been in shul, and heard the kaddish after aleinu (some places before aleinu)? Have you ever heard women saying kaddish (I did)? These are just quetions, heres the post on kaddish.

Some places you have only one guy who is saying kaddish, very easy to follow the guy. Only problems that might occur are; him going really really slowly, which is always annoying because you want to get out of there quickly.

Then there are a few people saying kaddish, most of the time its synchronized, and they do it well; this usually happens in younger, more yeshivish type, minyanim. If you ever go to a young Israel type shul, especially ones with a lot of old people, there will be many people saying kaddish and at different paces. One guy is the speedster, before you say your first amen he is at "yihei shemei rabah". The next guy is average. Then there is the guy who cant seem to go any slower; for some reason these guys like to say it real low to themselves. With all the kaddish readers going at different paces, you tend to lose what amen your holding on, because the guy next to you is saying amen, the other is saying "brich hu" and another is already leaving shul. Then this always happens; everyone is about to leave, thinking everyone is done, and then pipe up the few people able to hear the slow guy, calling everyone back.

Kaddish many times becomes a race to see who can go the fastest. Trying to go really fast brings the stuttering, skipping of words or just mumbling it through. One time I heard a real funny kaddish, it was as if the guy was talking to everyone, and we so to say were nodding our heads at him with an amen at whatever he said.

Tell us your kaddish experiences, we would love to hear.

A CHABAD POST

I am no chabadnick, but I know few things (Fabrengin, see I know something) when it comes to the lubavs. I know that they are the source of the Elders of Zion, going around converting everyone (I know they don't convert people). I know that they wont go day without a cup of vodka. I know they daven real late, 10:00 is the early minyan.

Somethings I love about 770, yeah I've been there, is that, you will never have a permanent seat. First try getting a seat, each one is taken and not given up easily, the place is always packed. Once you get one, don't stand for shemona esray, it will surely be taken. You could do the siddur on the table in front of you trick, to save your seat, your siddur will be taken away. You could even put it on your seat, to try and save it, but when you return to your seat it will be replaced with someone elses hat.

I love kri'yas hatorah, every single aliyah is given to someone getting married that week, which means that after every aliyah candy is thrown for the soon to be chosson. You could have 3 separate minyanim in 770 at one time, for ever chosson to get an aliyah; because, they come from around the globe just to get an aliyah at 770.

But recently after session of throwing candy, one of the candies hit the gabbai in his eye, he is partially blind in it right now, hopefully he will get better soon. He spoke about this to whoever is the head of 770, and they seem to want to get rid of the candy throwing business. I don't think that they need to stop it, how many years is it going on that no one got hurt, one incident is rare, I say don't stop it. But it seems like its going to stop, and one of my favorite lubav past times will drift away.

So what do you say to my first chabad post?

MEGILLAH READING

Notice: this was supposed to be posted taanit esther, then got pushed off and got pushed off on Purim, again. I was very busy, but its here now.

Everyone is always pumped for the first megillah reading, as if they are supposed get a reward for it, but truth be told there is nothing so special about it.

Everyone crowds into shul, some in their costumes, and some not. Maybe its the fact that everyone, who does have a costume, likes to show off their great costume. Some might have great costumes and think so, some don't have great ones and still think so. But I don't think this is why everyone likes megillah reading; otherwise, you can just have a normal party with everyone bringing their costumes.


Then you have to wait for the megillah reading that you were pumped about, through most of maariv; is this a great way to start off Purim? Okay so now you've started megillah reading, its got a funny tune to it, but its not something to be pumped about, and if you want to bang when the reader says Haman, you still have to wait till the third perek to hear the first one. I don't think that's why people are pumped about it; besides, the fact that you bang a little, there is really nothing to be so pumped about.

Another thing not to be pumped about is that, you hear the same story every year, who wants that. Go tell a five year old the same story every year (he will have to be five for quite a few years) you'll never hear him asking for you tell a story again. Not only that, but you are fasting at this point in time, no one wants to listen to megillah.

This leaves me to realize that the only reason people are pumped about megillah is that everyone is quiet during it; otherwise, you miss a word and aren't yotzei. Who wouldn't like for everyone to be quiet at some point in time, I definitely would like that.

If you have a different reason to be pumped about megillah reading, please share.

HOW DO YOU SAY AMEN?

Many people differ on how they pronounce Amen. Some people it comes from the background that they come from. Others it depends on their personality. There is the uh-mane, ooh- mine, ah-men, and even the christian Ay-men. Now its time to dissect this concept.

The slow Uh-mane: Common among the yeshivish crowds; the slow uh-mane is a stretch on the original amen. It usually comes as a lazy, real slow, no reason for it, uh-mane. This type of uh-mane is the one that can bore you to death. It seems as if its an attempt to slow down the chazan or kaddish reader, the slow Uh-mane type hate fast readers.

The quick uh-mane: A rare trait among some people is the quick uh-mane. This is for someone who doesn't get the reason for stretching an amen out for over a minute, and they say it real quick compared to the slow uh-mane. Side affects include mistaking baruch hu with a fast uh-mane.

The Yom tov musaf uuuuh-maaaane: This type of amen is a specifically long amen with sort of tune to it.

The Ooh- (its) mine: Found mainly among the chassidish sects, the ooh-mine is simply a misconstrued form of an amen. When ever I hear an ooh-mine, I realize that when I will be in middle of shemona esray, I will be pushed around by all chassidim, young and old, who don't have any manners at all. This ooh-mine is usually said in the tone similar to that of a cry for something (ooh its mine).

The silent amen: The silent amen is even simpler than the just moving lips way of saying amen. There is no need to worry on how to pronounce it, you simply don't say it; whether it be because you were talking, or out of sheer laziness.

The loud amen: This is said by a specific sect of hassidim know as stollen. They don't just say it, they scream it all together. If you are really frum and don't know what a heavy metal concert sounds like, no need to worry this is the heimish equivalent. I just wonder how embarrassing it would be if you were screaming and said something wrong by mistake.

The Ah-men: Found among the Sephardi sect of Judaism, the ah-men is said in many weird accents ranging from, through the nose to from the throat.

The Ay-man: The Ay-man is not a call for your friend, rather yo is the term preferably used to call your friend. The Ay-man is used in the christian society, usually in a black church after every few words the priest says (E.G. "The Lord Giveth" the cong. then says "Ay-Man" loud in unison). But even the christians say it different too, the white folk say a quiet ay-men.

I can only say this; the Ay-man is a complete knock off of our amen, but who can blame them when we don't say it normally either (uh-mane, ah-men,ooh-mine).

FINDING A NEW SHUL

You have been searching for a new shul; ever since you got into one of the biggest fights in your old shul due to a guy forgetting someones Hebrew name. After your friend nagging you about this other shul you could go to, you decide to go there. You have absolutely no clue what this shul will be like, all you know is that its supposed to have a good kiddush and, anything is better than your old shul. You think to yourself "Why didn't half of the minyan from your old shul separate and make its own shul?". You answer that with "I would probably fight with them either way". You are still not so thrilled about this new shul.

So you head out to this new shul on shabbos morning. It occurs to you that this place is a black hatter shul, due to all the black hats. You find your friend, who told you to come, you wait till chazaras hashatz, not too long being that you walked in during baruchu. For some reason, you decide to take the seat of someones makom kavuah (usual seat he prays in). The guy doesn't say anything, rather he stands very, very close to you. Being that the guy doesn't use any deodorant, or cologne, you decide to move only to shoot him a dirty look. The guy intern, waves his smell at you with his hat.

So you pick a new seat. At this new seat you are sitting next to the loudest, worst voiced guy in the shul. Not only is he the loudest worst voice in shul, but he even goes as far as to use the chazans tunes while not pronouncing any of the words. So you are sitting right next to the guy who wont put his lips together on any of the words he says. You wonder to yourself " Is there a guy like this in every black hat shul? (the truth is, there is one in every black hat shul)". You decide to tell the guy off, he responds with an even louder than possible davening. To get back at the guy, you take away the tissue box the guy ever so needs for his drooling mouth (the drooling mouth is caused by not closing his lips as he says the words). Don't think Mister drool faced loud mouth doesn't have a plan, as he begins drool over you. You in return give back the tissue box.

After you are done chazaras hashatz, at which you would have talked to your friend only to be shushed repeatedly by the rabbi, you feel like this shul isn't for you. Leining is over, and you are thankful that a fight didnt start out over hebrew names. Your friend decided to request hagbah for you, you would have told him no, but whats done is done. After leining you get up there to do your thing. You say to yourself "this Torah isn't so hard, plus its pretty much even on both sides". You take the atzai chaim and thrust the Torah up in to air.

As you are turning around, to show off how well you did the job and how many columns you got, there is a guy behind you who starts to grab on to the Torah where ever he can. You tell him to stop, its going to fall, but the guy is to worried you don't have control of the Torah he tells you. You tell him repeatedly "hagbah isn't that hard I got, I got, your making it worse. He tells you "sit down already I don't want to fast 40 days!". The hagbah freak is now pushing you into a seat, and now guy who doesn't use deodorant is getting into the mix, you lose your balance and now the Torah falls. Everybody is shocked to see what happens.

Instant turmoil begins to erupt. People are screaming, the Rabbi runs to pick up the Torah, children are screaming for their mothers, a fire has broken out, how you do not know. One guy is trying to sneak his way out of shul so its as if he doesn't need to fast forty days, someone else jumps out the window in an attempt to do the same. A different guy punches you in the face and says "I cant fast 40 days I'll starve to death". You tackle j=him and scream back "you can eat at night, and its not my fault, its the hagbah freaks fault". Another guy knocks you off him and shouts back "I am not Muslim, I don't celebrate Ramadan" You scream back "they all eat in the bathroom anyway, don't you know?" another guy hits your friend over his head with a chair. You charge at the guy for hitting your friend. Now the shul is in complete chaos, everybody is hitting everybody. Loud mouth drool guy is coming after you, along with makom kavua guy. The fire that started before, is now getting bigger, everyone is forced evacuates the shul.

The screaming continues as the police come. They decide to arrest only you, on the charges of assault, damaging holy articles, and holy sites. As you are being carted off, you think to yourself, "That idiot if only he would have let me be, and now I have to fast in prison &*$%^&*@ " You curse out everything (mister loud drool face) and everyone (makom kavua guy and hagbah freak) that have made your shabbos a difficult one, and swear to never set foot in that now burnt down shul.

So this shabbos, people, be thankful your shul is..... no....no... there is no moral to this story, too bad.

WHAT DO YOU DO DURING CHAZARAS HASHATZ?

The most boring time during shachris and mincha is Chazaras hashatz. Let me explain why, the chazan is just reading what you said already, halachicly you don't need chazaras hashatz anyway, and three, you can see it on peoples faces.

So what to do to pass the time? Here is what I see people do on a regular basis.

The Talkers: These guys couldn't care about the amen the just missed, all they care about is complaining how long the davening is and why cant the chazan go faster. If they are into sports than all you'll hear is how they're fantasy team is down the drain, and how this guy cant play that sport. the Rabbi and gabbi will shush them, but it doesn't matter they keep on going.

The Readers: They keep to themselves through reading, be it a gemara or any old english book. You'll never have the Rabbi shooting looks at them.

The Pacers: They have nothing to do besides take a walk around the shul. They are usually the ones to clop for yaleh vi'yavo at the beginning of shmona esrei. They never have a siddur in their hands while walking, so when it come to kedusha you can hear them say the first few words loud and then they quiet down because they don't know the rest. Many times these guys walk up to the chazan and tell them random facts about shemona esrei, while they are in middle of chazaras hashatz.

The Collector: this guy goes to each and every guy, and some twice, just to get all their spare change for tzedakah.

The Astronauts: They just stare into space, thinking about Gd knows what, till the chazan finishes, at the end they cant remember if they stood for kedusha.

The long Daveners: These are the people who daven through the whole chazaras hashatz. Some of them stand still while davening and don't move unless the need to bow. Some are really violent and twirl they're peyos as they shake, or they just leave the peyos out, and messy. Then there are others that actually look like they are having a conversation with Gd.

The Listeners: Yes these people actually are listening to the chazan (hard to believe). Some of these people actually put their fingers on the place, and say amen with a lot of concentration.

The money counters: Plain and simple they count their money. These people get nagged by the collectors.

The textors: Even though cell phones must be turned off as you go into shul, some still text. these are the guys whose cell phones goes off during shemona esrei.

The Coffee Drinker: These guys are out of the shul during the repetition of Shemona esrei getting their coffees, and missing everything, only to come back when its over.

Mike In Midwood: Goes to shul to daven and get out. I just like doing my thing and then leave, that means; I don't talk in shul, or have a long shemona esrei, don't drink, I read a little, I day dream, give tzedakah, then I leave (of course I stay for aleinu).

What do you do during Chazaras Hashatz?

RATING THE BORO PARK BAKERIES part 3

After meeting up with Child Ish, we decided to (okay we planned it) hit some bakeries in boro park, to check out the sufganiot.

Korns bakery on 16th avenue: The price 1.20. I took a bite into it, hoping for something good, the taste was bland. The dough just didn't cut it, and the jelly was okay but too little of it. Service was okay. Taste is 3, and over all its a 4. Child Ish mistakenly bought a plain one, he was thinking of suing for his 1.20 back.

Schikks bakery also on 16th avenue: Price was 1.50. Very good, the jelly tasted like it was from apricots, very good. The dough was smooth and full of life. Can't remember if it was self service. Taste was an 8 and over all its got an 8.

Something (cant remember the name) Heimishe on 16th avenue: Price was 85 cents. They were pretty small, but packed with a lot of filling. It was self service. Taste was a 7, and over all was an 8.
Me and Child Ish questioned their Heimishness, basing it on Frum Punks old post about What Does Heimish Mean? In short Heimish means beards, and since there were only women behind the counter, It wasn't that heimish. Unless you say "because it was self service than the men with beards can get all their heimishness on it", and by heimish we mean dandruff from the beards, which is also known as confection sugar.

Then we went to Yossis on 15th avenue: We agreed this place was the most heimish. We also came to the conclusion heimish also means self service. At 1.50 a sufgania it seemed worth it; the guy behind the counter promised us it was the best. We tried, and found his words to be almost true. It had tons of confection sugar, very little jelly, although it was good jelly. Taste was an 8, all over a 9.

At this point in time I had 4 and Child Ish had 5, he bought two at something heimishe.

We went to Schreibers on either 14th or 15th avenue: Price was 1.00 and an okay size. There was self service. Pretty tasteless, and there was almost no jelly. Taste was a 4 and over all 3.

Then we slugged are way to the donut man on 13th avenue: Price was a dollar. We were skeptical about the taste. Turns out our assumptions were right; it tasted like a pancake with a little jelly in side. taste is a 2 and over all a 4.

Then we Davened mincha at Shomer Shabbos. We were bombarded with people asking for tzedakah this one guy came back 3 times asking for money. We shook all the fat away while we davened. After the afternoon services we set out again.

Strauss's bakery on 13th avenue: We were most satisfied with this bakery. 85 cents for a huge sufgania. The place did not have self service, we don't think its heimish. The dough was great, moist from all the oil, and jelly just came pouring out. It was definitely worth its price. Taste is a 9 and over all a 10.

Weiss's bakery on 13th avenue: 1.50 a piece. The outside was hard, once you got in it was okay. There was no self service. The jelly was good, but after a whole 2 hours of stuffing my face, I just couldn't finish. Taste was a 6 and over all a 7.

After this event, I cant eat another for a few years. G6 was right, I do have a stomach of steel, but child Ish has topped me; I had 7 and a half, and he had 9, so he gets the title of stomach of steel. As we were eating, I felt the fat tacking onto me. Our coats had tons of confection sugar, a badge of no worth, yet it showed us our skills. If eating sufganiot was a halacha, then we committed the sin of ba'al tosef (don't add to the torah).

That wraps up the the taste testing for good, and also marks the end of Chanukah. Hope you enjoyed it.

THE HEAVY WEIGHT TITLE A.K.A HAGBA

The time has come. The leining is over, and now its just you, and the guy doing Gelila. YAMOD HAMAGBIAH VEHAGOLEL!(ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE!), the bell has rung. You get up from your seat, face your challenger (guy doing Gelila), and head up onto the ring (bima). You reach for the Torah, and thrust it up into the air. With full pride, you wave your belt (the Torah) around, showing it to all sides. You are forcefully sat down. Its a race between you and the Gelila guy, who is going to wrap this up first. (well not really, but you get the point).

Ooh! it seems as if its a tie (you both rolled it up), you both make it to the second round. Your plan is to let him throw himself out, trying to fix that buckle around the Torah. You utter comments at him, like "go faster", "its upside down", "not below the (belt) upper third portion of the Klaf". Gelila guy is worried, and is trying to hurry things up. He throws a right hook, but he cant get it around. Then a left, but to no avail. You are winning. He tries a stupid move, putting both hands around at the same time. It somehow works on you, only because it was so stupid. The "Ref's" then break up the illegal formation. He barely makes it out of the second round.

3rd round. Your plan seemed to work before, you try it again. You let him "throw" over the Torah cover. He gives it a nice tug, nothing pops out. You then start shaking it up, he cant find any holes (Gelila guy is trying to get the Torah cover over the handles). The crowd (Minyan) is starting to get impatient. Finally Gelila guy gets the hole he needs, and sticks on the Yad , in an attempt to come up with some points.

Too late for the Gelila guy, its over. You pick up the Torah once again, in triumph, and then proceed to shake everyone's hand. They all congratulate you on the big "win". One guy slaps you on the back, as a friendly gesture. You look over at the Gelila guy, he is only getting small handshakes. End Of Story.

Hagba is not all that its cracked up to be. Many Jews have decided, that they need something they can call on their "strong men" for. Everyone is afraid of dropping the Torah, so it became the ideal thing to need, a strong man for. Then, when there is someone not so strong, doing Hagba, they feel the need to explain to them, how to do it. "You got to lift it from the bottom, go down with it, then up". Its really not that hard. Then there are those guys, who brag about their friends being so strong. "My friend Beryl is so strong, he picked it up with closed eyes". Other guy, "Oh no. You have never seen my cousin Yanky, what he can do with the Torah is a whole nother story".

The worst is when its Simchas Torah. All are looking for that lone sober guy to do the job. He cant just be sober, he has to have the muscle and skill, to twist the Torah around. Regardless of whether the guy has control or not, anyone near him will lunge forward, grab on to any part of the Torah to secure it.

Hagba isn't that hard, get over it, there is no Jewish practice that proves, that one is extremely strong. Hagba is not all that its cracked up to be, and you can't brag about it.

THE UMPIRE RABBI

Over this shabbos my friend was telling me about this shul he goes to. He said the rabbi there is like a referee. That includes the part where they scream at the referee. People have no respect for him and they expect him to be like a rabbi from old Europe where what he said went.

He gave me a few cases. One he said was recently. There where two guys (of course). The first guy lets call him "A" was taking over for the rabbi one shabbos including his speech. So this person felt like it was his time to shine. So he made a long Devaar torah. While everyone was snoozing "A" by mistake skipped a page. Then after Leining "A" realized he missed something and decided to say what he missed. So after davening people came over to him and start demanding answers why he did this. One man well call him "B" really got into it and then A and B got into a real big fight. Soon after, A and B forgot about it or didnt care. Then Yom kippur was rolled around and so B went over to A to ask forgiveness but A would give no such thing. So A then goes over to a person well call him Rabbi (he was the rabbi) and starts trying to make Rabbi get involved. So the rabbi goes over to A and asks forgiveness on B's part and once again A wont give. So the rabbi goes back to B and says A doesn't want to give. Then B gets mad and starts screaming at the Rabbi and how its all his fault. After B is done the gossip starts to spread about A and B.

After Yom Kippur.... So the Rabbi wasn't Successful and now B is once again rambling at the Rabbi and how he isn't a rabbi since he cant even resolve one conflict. So that's how the story went and how the Rabbi became a pinata. If you want to know the only way these two were able to make up and its kind of weird is. Both of these men's wives had problems one fell from a chair and ended up in the hospital and the other had a stroke and ended up in the hospital. Same one, same floor, same week. So they met each other in the hospital and they started arguing who's fault it is and ended making up with each other (and they lived happily ever after....... probably not).

As my friend went on he said that this is nothing new and that last story of screaming at the rabbi was just a little worse than most stories. Also a few weeks ago the rabbi said in his speech on the Parsha of Bereishis that the parsha concludes with the building of the tower of Bavel which is clearly in the weekly Torah portion of Noach. So the rabbi gets it over his head, while many complain of the need for a new Rabbi. As I was told, the Rabbi isn't going anywhere and its just the norm. I told my friend I would never want to go to his shul. He nodded in agreement.

The point of all this was to show people the real use (or abuse) of a rabbi as a pinata and a referee. Please treat your rabbi with respect.

SIMCHAS TORAH WAS GREAT!

Yes it was. I loved it from the minute it started. My shul has the most spirit of any other shul I know of. Yes there are other great shuls to be at but this one kicks. The night had it all with singing, dancing, drinks and even though I just couldn't go any further I felt like I owed it to everyone to keep on going. We had the screwing of the light bulb dances going on, the good old jumping up and down and stomping of the feet. Drunk guys yes, Chabad guys no. I did want some of the lubavs to come in and fill up the place. Our place was short on people but we made with what we had and it was awesome. 2 hours of this and we all decided to finish up.

So we get up to Hagbah (the part where you lift up the Torah) and everyone starts making a big deal about it. "Its all on one side" was the big fuss who can do Hagbah its just so heavy. To tell you the truth the Torah wasn't so heavy even with it all on one side. Now if you ask me I say everyone overreacts when it comes to Hagbah. People make it seem like its the heavy weight championship and only the strongest of Jews can do it. So they look for the lone sober guy in shul to do Hagba. When lone sober guy is in middle of picking it up everyone leaps forward to make sure he doesn't drop it and grabbing on to any part they can to protect it.

So we finished at 8:00. I desired some more dancing and I had heard Chaim Berlin was going to go late into the night. I headed over there at Eleven fighting a strong wind. Yeah it was real windy out there. To my disappointment it was a dead place. Nothing compared to what I had a few hours before. The dancing in Chaim Berlin was slow to not moving and the singing was..... there was no singing just a little more than a hum that's all.

The morning I headed out towards my shul and once again we rocked Simchas Torah. Much more people were there than at night. We ended at 1:30 and then After Mincha again we had something. Many kids wanted to get in on the fun. I feel bad for the young ones they always get hurt or squashed in between people.

Now my legs are sore and I can hardly walk straight. Ive got to admit this has been one of the best Simchas Torahs yet.

SHUL POLITICS: THE MINYAN/THE CHAZZAN/THE GABBAI

The minyan is an essential part of any shul. Its what makes up what kind of shul it is. If one person would be missing from the minyan, it just wouldn't feel like your in the same shul. These are the guys who don't go to the kiddush club. They may be board members depending on what type of shul you go to. You'll see the people of the minyan be the chazzan for mincha and maariv. They talk in middle of shul but also daven, unlike the guys from the kiddush club (who only talk). If one or two things in the shul go "wrong" they wont blame the rabbi as the kiddush club guys do. They also wield the power that none others have. being the majority of the people in the shul the minyan can put pressure on others and get their way. You wont see much of the minyans power since its kind of hard getting them to agree on one subject.

Many a times the minyan is only a certain sect of judaism (e.g. Satmer, Syrian, Litvish). Other times the minyan is very diverse covering all walks of judaism (e.g. Child Ish's Shul). Some Minyans start off as a band of all walks and then split into two different Minyans (one in a basement). then comes the Minyan that's not in a shul at all. Its called The-Motzei-Shabbos-In-A-Random-Guys-House-Minyan. Don't know how that started, very common.

The Chazzan. The first type of Chazzan is the one for only Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur and maybe Maariv for sukkos and Pesach. These Chazzans get paid good money for stressing their vocal chords and making shul take longer while singing obscure tunes and stretching out words to make them sound like a yawn. I have heard people say that a good chazzan attracts people to the shul. I on the other hand think its a turn off. I have heard these types of chazzans getting the boot for very random reasons. The other type of Chazzan is a guy from the minyan above. Its a better job, no firing. He wont sing anything and your time spent in shul wont be long. Ooooh wait, he does sing l'cha Dodi but even then there is no stretching of the words.

The Gabbai. He is the guy who picks who gets what aliyah and hands out those plastic cards. He does just about everything, from reading who sponsored what this shabbos to who gets P'sicha. In some shuls their are more than one gabbai. Some shuls the gabbai is supposed to keep people quiet. Then there are those self appointed gabbai's who nobody likes. They just like to run the show. Throughout all my years I have never seen a Gabbai blamed for anything. Obviously he has a good job but tough too.

This concludes this chapter of shul politics any other ideas?

SUKKOS RANDOMNESS

This past Yom Tov was filled with much randomness. First I got a look at my Esrog which doesn't have a Pitom (one of the most important parts to an Esrog). Its kosher since it was pulled off the tree like that. Still don't know why I have to return my Citrus fruit back to Israel cant I just bury it? My grandfather had a very weird looking Esrog. It was sort of anorexic.


Anorexic Esrog

It was a freaky looking Esrog. You may not be able to see but it was like it had a grip handle right around it. My Lulav was the perfect Lulav. I never enjoyed shaking a lulav like this one. Its perfect. It flaps its branches into a fan like position and then pops back into a spear like lulav. You have a few types of lulavs. One just wont bend in any direction (kind of like the one I had last year). Another is just too spread out and you are constantly trying to adjust those bands they put on it to keep it together. Then there is the awesome lulav which is just right (I feel like Goldilocks now) not too floppy and not too straight.

Hoshanos was a little funny on the second day. I went to a shul with a lot of older folks in it. The chazzan started hoshanos and he was moving around the shul. I started Hoshanos and didn't move at all. Somewhere in the middle of the line it just wasn't moving. The chazzan passed me as he went around, which should not have happened since I started not so far away from him. In the end they gave us time to go around if you didn't yet.

My stay in the sukkah so far has been pretty good. No rain or bugs, it has been nice weather. Hey does anyone sleep in the sukkah? I don't, even though its supposed to be a temporary dwelling and all. Well I am running short on subjects here so Chag Sameach y'all.

YOU ON YOM KIPPUR

You start out looking for a minyan for mincha so that way you can move on in your Erev Yom Kippur schedule. Your schedule includes of 1)davening mincha 2) saying attaras nidarim 3) throwing crumbs into an ocean 4)waving chicken around head 5) shower 6) eat till you bust so you can survive this upcoming fast 7)stay in shul for a good two hours on a prayer that normally takes 5 minutes. 8) read next days list.

So you decide to attack item number one on you list. You run around looking for a quick minyan with your busy schedule. You find an average paced minyan not the one you wanted but you'll take it. As you're in middle of chazzaras hashas you are bombarded with kids requesting you to give their tzedakah box a little more than a dollar. To the first one you give a righteous amount. To the next not so much and to the third you decide not to give at all. He gives you a look as if you are going to get it from the man upstairs for not giving him.

After mincha you look at you're list and cross off mincha. You look at number two "saying attaras nidarim". You try gathering three people together but everyone said it before Rosh Hashana. You flip back a few pages and take a glance at your list for Erev Rosh Hashana, you don't see you wrote attaras nedarim. You think why didn't I write it down for erev rosh hashana. Genius has then struck you and you say "If I don't throw out my list in one minute all my previous nedarim are annulled". You feel as if you are the smartest person in the world you and your list are going to beat out everything (you then notice a guy in the corner with one of those electronic schedulers and think of dumping you paper list for the electronic one) .

You then head out to do number three on your list. You're on your way to throw your bread in an ocean. You bring your machzor or small pamphlet with you. As you are throwing the very last of what you have into the ocean, a bird swoops in to eat all the crumbs you threw. You don't know if the bird is allowed to eat it or just the fish in the sea. You end up not caring as long as you are atoned for all of your sins. This then gets you thinking if the bird is going to get to it first, why not just feed the pigeons outside your house (you have heard of when the fish eats it they die so why not downsize the large population of pigeons).


Next you head out to get a chicken. Time is running out till Yom Kippur sets in. You feel you just don't need a chicken and since there is almost no time left, you chicken out and go for the money waving around head. This gives you more time to take shower and get ready to stuff your face. You are done showering and now are stuffing your face with tons of food. You remember hearing to drink a lot before a fast since its mainly the drinks that count. You also remember hearing to eat salty foods so you can retain the water in your body. Wait, the more salt you have means the more water you need. You then are in state of panic what to do? You have absolutely no clue. You decide to text cha cha to see what they tell you. Another dilemma has appeared before you texting is bad and right before Yom Kippur. Should you have texted cha cha? you decide to forget it and what was done is done. So as always you are waiting for the text which is taking more than long enough for them to answer. What kind of shoes are you going to wear you begin to think. The white sneakers those older folks wear? is that supposed to be a sign of cleanliness like a kittel is or just to match the kittel for fashion purposes? You decide to go with the slippers.


You notice the time and you have 1 minute before Yom Kippur starts. You begin to worry ahh! I didn't eat as much as I should have. You quickly clean up, put the phone on charge (you never did get the text) and are off to shul. You say to yourself Maariv is a short prayer it cant take that long even with a Yom Kippur style. (2 hours later) You are still in shul and are whispering to a friend about the up and coming baseball playoff teams and who you think are going to win. You chose the dodgers and he chose the Phillies. You end up making a bet, nothing about making promises has crossed your mind yet. You are finally about to end and the chazzan is up to Kaddish the last one. just as you thought he was about to end he suddenly breaks out a Yaseh Shalom that lasts for a few minutes. Everyone is just staring at him as to why he is not finishing as he goes for another round of Yaseh shalom. You eventually make it home.


Next day you come back in to shul. You feel a little tired wishing you could have made a coffee. In the middle of Musaf you decide to read the English to understand some of what you are saying. You come across the things the Kohen Gadol does on Yom Kippur. You read about all the slaughtering and chucking of the goats, you begin to wander what would happen if PETA existed back than. In the end you manage to make it through Musaf and then Mincha afterwards. Now it comes time for Neila. Also your stomach is telling you that you need food now! you decide to stand the whole Neila and have some kavana at the last prayer on Yom Kippur.

It doesn't work to well, you drifted onto the food you need. Now you feel like you are going to faint as you really didn't get a good meal before hand. Its a race to see what going to come first you collapsing or the chazzan finishing. The chazzan seems to be losing the race as he decides to Schlep threw this Neila. No you say I can't stand the whole time I'll die if I do. Another few Oy Oy Oys from this chazzan and your not going to make it you think. Finally its time to hear the shofar after Neila. Wait the rabbis saying something. Shofar is to be blown after Maariv. Ugh this better be a kaporah you say. Well you remember that Maariv after Yom Kippur is only three minutes with kaddish, Aleinu and L'david.

You finish Maariv (Not making the any of the kaddishes with the minyan) and some how found the energy to run home. You take the first bite of food and a drink of orange juice and you feel as if you are a new person. Also you feel you might have accomplished something this Yom Kippur. But there is no need to worry you ruined this sense of accomplishment with the fastest Maariv ever. You never noticed this and it flew over your head as you think "thankfully there wont be another Yom Kippur till next year".

MANY THINGS ON THE HIGH HOLIDAYS

First up is the shopping. Its dangerous out there watch your back. If you have ever seen the pre x-mas shopping or the piling up on supplies for an expected snowstorm (which are shockingly crazy) it is those two combined. People screaming and running, stealing, pushing (this ain't helping you for the new year), children, guys on bluetooth, its all that in a crowded little spot with carts that don't fit the isles. People getting stepped on a tug-a-war for a little jar of honey or sugar, children crying for their mommies and men asking for the whole holiday list (which they forgot) on a cellphone. For a real good explanation on what happens checkout Frumcolleggirl she experienced the worst.

Then comes the Shuls. Over at Frumsatire he questions whether you should pay for seats if you are already a member. I don't know why and I think I agree that you shouldn't have to pay if you are already a member of the shul. Since I live in a community which really doesn't care about being a member to a certain shul, their is no doubt that you you pay for a seat. Then comes the aliyahs which are sold through a bidding. What happens if no one wants to buy an aliyah do they give em out for free?

I have heard that many shuls want an attraction to the shul for the High holidays. So they get a very good chazzan. My opinion on the chazzan is the better he is at chazzonus means the slower we go, now that's a big turn off for me. Dont know what the shuls are thinking. A good Shofar blower now that's an attraction the longer the Tekiah the better. I think it should be a halacha that you can only have a good shofar blower. If hes bad people will say loshon hara about him and that will ruin the chances of getting written in the good book.

After the holiday is over you have a new holiday to prepare for and only four days to do it. Sukkos. And you'll have fun finding the kosher esrog which maybe a little hard this year due to shmittah and building a temporary dwelling for yourself. Well to all have a happy healthy pre new year and (post) new year.

WILL YOU EVER KNOW WHERE YOUR UP TO?

Last night I went to slichos. And as usual I lost the place every few minutes. No I didnt lose it because I have ADD. I lost it since those little pamphlet like "machzor" for slichos have got it all wrong. At first it all worked out with flipping back, I didnt have a problem. It would show a lttle few words and I would know to go back where ever I needed. After a while I noticed it was inconsistent with what the Chazzan was saying and would lose my place.

Now if you have one of those fancy sidduim with slichos in order and no turning back you have no problem with the place as you cruise through all of it and clop your chest a few times then stand up for Shema kol'einu.And even these guys dont know where the shul is holding all the time. Then there are guys like me who on a normal slichos basis, dont know where the chazzan is and just says everything for that days slichos and sits around until everyone elses done.

Some people dont say anything. They sit and wait, Pretend to clop their chest and scream Vay'yavor Hashem A'al Panav Vay'yikra. They are the fakers and its hard to tell who to ask where you are up to if you really care.

So I ask is it really possible to keep pace with the chazzan not just one day of slichos (you should up to him every day) every day of slichos. I just dont see it happening.

SHOFAR BLOWING THOUGHTS

I was in shul the other day. At the end of our morning services we all got to hear the great rams horn. When I first heard it I was thinking "Elul is here.....Shoots Yom Kippur is coming". Then I was thinking "I have to repent on all those sins I've made". I then was interrupted with the unworthy of a "Shofar blowing" sound.

This sound was not a typical shofar blow. No. It was far from it. Usually in a good blow you have this (hard to explain in words) fullness and power in it. Like a clarinet being played real well. Instead I got this air going through a tube which was being broken up into three parts then nine. Even the easier Tekiah (one full long blow no breaks) wasn't good.

So I wondered are you considered yotzei the mitzvah of shofar if the blow isn't a in full power and just air running through a tube?

WHAT YOU DIDNT SEE COMING.

You walk in to this shul. Its the one you mainly go to for a shabbos morning. You like it their since you know most of the people. Its a great place to chop a schmooze on either politics or baseball since the Rabbi cant really tell who is talking.

As you walk in you think to yourself this shul is great everyone gets along so well and the davening is smooth, maybe a little long. You sit down in your normal seat near your normal friends (at least you think their normal although you have had a bad taste in friends all your life). Of course you didn't make it on time, right when they started P'sukei Dzimrah, you came a good thirty minutes late and they were about to say Baruchu (pronounced Buh-ruch-oo).

After you settle down and Chazaras Hashatz (your main talking period besides for leining) has passed you say to yourself (out loud) I love this shul. You are wondering if the Rabbi will speak for a long time before K'riyas Hatorah (if you don't understand any of these terms please comment about it and I will translate). In the end the rabbi did speak for a long time and you used up all your bathroom breaks too early. Now you are thinking I should have took a nap like that guy over there (who cares if you snore).

It finally came the time to recite the holy torah portion of that week. You were hoping that you get invited to the kiddush club well sorry Mr. I have no good stories to tell. You tell yourself its okay there is a kiddush later. About this point in time the rabbi stops the leining for everyone to quiet down this makes you a little angry that the rabbi has the Chutzpah to tell you to be quiet. The next big thing to happen is there is a guy who gets an Aliyah to the holy torah and the one who calls him up, you know the guy who says Yamod So-and-so ben Whom ever Shvi'ee, forgets this guys first name.

This guy is no person to forget their first hebrew name. So now he gets offended and says how could you forget my name I have come to this shul for 2 whole years. So the gabbai who called him up says "Hey" in a whispered sort of tone "there are many people that come to this shul how can I remember all of their first Hebrew names". Well this guy ain't done and he makes a whole big commotion about remembering his name. Then comes two or more people defending the gabbai. And before you knew it the whole shul is one huge fight.

You decide to get in on the action and you say "You forgot my name when I was called up two weeks ago. Another guy says "yeh he forgot mine and I don't care you shouldn't either". Then the old men in the back get into it. The Rabbi just wants order and to finish up the davening but no one cares now. You are ready to throw your fist in someones face. Somehow a rather young guy (who seems to at the head of the gabbais campaign) is arguing with one of the oldies in the back. One of the Oldie's friends gets up and screams "You Nazi. He Vas in Da Var (war).

In some odd way davening ended. you are cursing out this once Beloved shul and all those who you opposed today. You say to yourself that shul never got along and everyone hated each other. How could you go to a shul like that. You then decide not to go to the kiddush which was sponsored by someone who was on the other side. You vow in anger never to go to a shul which cant remember your name. Also you are going to quit being a member of that shul.

In most shuls this doesn't happen (we can only hope) and will kiddush come next which you are waiting for so for kiddush read this.

SHALISH SHUDDIS (shalosh seudot, seudos shelisheet)

On Shabbos you are required to have 3 meals. Each one containing at least 2 loafs of bread we call them challa. The last meal has many different names each one derived from the same root. Some just deformed over the years into a new word which in reality means nothing.

Some people like to have there (I'll call it this way so as not to make people rack their brains trying to find out what I meant) 3rd meal in shul. In a shul it would have to be sponsored by some person on some rare occasion. People sponsor the 3rd meal for some of the most random reasons. Sponsored by so-and-so in Honor of him buying a pet dog or in the honor of the pet giving birth to another little thing. Some are little better at choosing what they sponsor it for. this 3rd meal will be sponsored by So-and-so in honor of his friend's, brother's, new son and then everyone goes MAZEL TOV, mazel tov, mazol tov, mazel tov and it fades away.

These 3rd meals in shul are usually made up of some sort of crackers that are never that good. Herring left over from the mornings kiddush or any other kind of fish. A little fresh cut melons (any kind) and one roll for yourself with nothing to go with it. The drink vareity is good with maybe a little of Dr. Brown. These are the 3rd meals that where the rabbi wants to sing he gets drowned out by everyone talking.

Then there are those that have the 3rd meal at home. I have heard of all these lets call them "inventive" ideas for the 3rd meal when its made at home. So some people have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Others have chulent or left over gefilte fish. I once heard a mother talking to her son in a local midwood store about this issue of what to have for the 3rd meal, She suggested to have cereal and milk, I don't know how they do that with the issue of eating milk and meat within a 6 hour period.

Either way, you'll never feel like you had a full meal and it always seems like your missing something. What are your ways to feed yourselves at the 3rd meal or do you chicken out and not have one (a 3rd meal).

SHUL POLITICS: THE CANDY MAN

I missed one important person who is a big part of every shul where children go. That man is THE CANDY MAN. He's every child's favorite person (of course he bribes them), giving them lollis, bazooka bubble gum, anything made by Leibers or Bloomie's and Laffy taffy. (of course there is much more, I'm just not gonna write it all out).

When I was younger I would go over to the candy man in the shul I went to, countless times always asking for more junk so my teeth can rot. I wasnt the only one who did this. So I am wondering how can a candy man daven and hand out to children countless items of tastiness. What happens in middle of Shmona Esray with tons of kids asking for candy and tugging at his pants? Maybe that's why he gives them the lollis so they keep it in their mouths and it acts as a passifier.

We interrupt this important post with breaking news: We are outside live in front of a famous shuls rabbis house. there seems to be a protest by many people who want a Kugel man in shul for all the older people. They appear to be reasoning they will keep quiet in shul if there plan goes through also the kugel will be sponsored by the new Kugel man. We now return to our interrupted post.

The candy man has one of the most "important" jobs in the whole shul (keeping the kid community in a none whiny state) and its one of the more favorite jobs. This wasn't in my shul but I have heard that every year there is (in certain shuls) an election for who gets to be the famed candy man. In some shuls they have a room designated for all the nosh kids like. Where I went it wasn't as high tech as I described a sentence before. It was this one guy who had some candy in his tails bag which he kept in shul.

Ill end this post with a question. What happens if there happens to be two candy men in one shul. As said by some famous blogger "Ill leave the rest to the comments".