YOU ON YOM KIPPUR

You start out looking for a minyan for mincha so that way you can move on in your Erev Yom Kippur schedule. Your schedule includes of 1)davening mincha 2) saying attaras nidarim 3) throwing crumbs into an ocean 4)waving chicken around head 5) shower 6) eat till you bust so you can survive this upcoming fast 7)stay in shul for a good two hours on a prayer that normally takes 5 minutes. 8) read next days list.

So you decide to attack item number one on you list. You run around looking for a quick minyan with your busy schedule. You find an average paced minyan not the one you wanted but you'll take it. As you're in middle of chazzaras hashas you are bombarded with kids requesting you to give their tzedakah box a little more than a dollar. To the first one you give a righteous amount. To the next not so much and to the third you decide not to give at all. He gives you a look as if you are going to get it from the man upstairs for not giving him.

After mincha you look at you're list and cross off mincha. You look at number two "saying attaras nidarim". You try gathering three people together but everyone said it before Rosh Hashana. You flip back a few pages and take a glance at your list for Erev Rosh Hashana, you don't see you wrote attaras nedarim. You think why didn't I write it down for erev rosh hashana. Genius has then struck you and you say "If I don't throw out my list in one minute all my previous nedarim are annulled". You feel as if you are the smartest person in the world you and your list are going to beat out everything (you then notice a guy in the corner with one of those electronic schedulers and think of dumping you paper list for the electronic one) .

You then head out to do number three on your list. You're on your way to throw your bread in an ocean. You bring your machzor or small pamphlet with you. As you are throwing the very last of what you have into the ocean, a bird swoops in to eat all the crumbs you threw. You don't know if the bird is allowed to eat it or just the fish in the sea. You end up not caring as long as you are atoned for all of your sins. This then gets you thinking if the bird is going to get to it first, why not just feed the pigeons outside your house (you have heard of when the fish eats it they die so why not downsize the large population of pigeons).


Next you head out to get a chicken. Time is running out till Yom Kippur sets in. You feel you just don't need a chicken and since there is almost no time left, you chicken out and go for the money waving around head. This gives you more time to take shower and get ready to stuff your face. You are done showering and now are stuffing your face with tons of food. You remember hearing to drink a lot before a fast since its mainly the drinks that count. You also remember hearing to eat salty foods so you can retain the water in your body. Wait, the more salt you have means the more water you need. You then are in state of panic what to do? You have absolutely no clue. You decide to text cha cha to see what they tell you. Another dilemma has appeared before you texting is bad and right before Yom Kippur. Should you have texted cha cha? you decide to forget it and what was done is done. So as always you are waiting for the text which is taking more than long enough for them to answer. What kind of shoes are you going to wear you begin to think. The white sneakers those older folks wear? is that supposed to be a sign of cleanliness like a kittel is or just to match the kittel for fashion purposes? You decide to go with the slippers.


You notice the time and you have 1 minute before Yom Kippur starts. You begin to worry ahh! I didn't eat as much as I should have. You quickly clean up, put the phone on charge (you never did get the text) and are off to shul. You say to yourself Maariv is a short prayer it cant take that long even with a Yom Kippur style. (2 hours later) You are still in shul and are whispering to a friend about the up and coming baseball playoff teams and who you think are going to win. You chose the dodgers and he chose the Phillies. You end up making a bet, nothing about making promises has crossed your mind yet. You are finally about to end and the chazzan is up to Kaddish the last one. just as you thought he was about to end he suddenly breaks out a Yaseh Shalom that lasts for a few minutes. Everyone is just staring at him as to why he is not finishing as he goes for another round of Yaseh shalom. You eventually make it home.


Next day you come back in to shul. You feel a little tired wishing you could have made a coffee. In the middle of Musaf you decide to read the English to understand some of what you are saying. You come across the things the Kohen Gadol does on Yom Kippur. You read about all the slaughtering and chucking of the goats, you begin to wander what would happen if PETA existed back than. In the end you manage to make it through Musaf and then Mincha afterwards. Now it comes time for Neila. Also your stomach is telling you that you need food now! you decide to stand the whole Neila and have some kavana at the last prayer on Yom Kippur.

It doesn't work to well, you drifted onto the food you need. Now you feel like you are going to faint as you really didn't get a good meal before hand. Its a race to see what going to come first you collapsing or the chazzan finishing. The chazzan seems to be losing the race as he decides to Schlep threw this Neila. No you say I can't stand the whole time I'll die if I do. Another few Oy Oy Oys from this chazzan and your not going to make it you think. Finally its time to hear the shofar after Neila. Wait the rabbis saying something. Shofar is to be blown after Maariv. Ugh this better be a kaporah you say. Well you remember that Maariv after Yom Kippur is only three minutes with kaddish, Aleinu and L'david.

You finish Maariv (Not making the any of the kaddishes with the minyan) and some how found the energy to run home. You take the first bite of food and a drink of orange juice and you feel as if you are a new person. Also you feel you might have accomplished something this Yom Kippur. But there is no need to worry you ruined this sense of accomplishment with the fastest Maariv ever. You never noticed this and it flew over your head as you think "thankfully there wont be another Yom Kippur till next year".