Rating The Midwood Bakeries Again

I came back to write this post since I assumed you all loved reading my adventures from bakery to bakery enjoy the post.

Yes once again I'm rating the bakeries of Midwood (see how I just rephrased the title). I pay the price so you don't get it wrong when it comes to your big event, and the only job you had to do was bring the Sufganiot (Israeli styled jelly doughnuts). This year has been a little tough on my taste buds with two place that Ive never tried both being disappointments.

Rose Bakery on kingshighway and east 7Th (not to be confused with the kingshighway bakery on kingshighway and east 4Th which is heavenly) was one of those disappointments. At a dollar a piece this sufgania had a bland tasting dough, with literally a teaspoon of jelly in the middle. The official rating from 1 out of 10 is a four (that's right my ratings are copyright).

The next failure was so bad that I couldn't bring myself to finish the sufgania. Now I have been from Boro Park to the deepest parts of Midwood and there hasn't been one place that I couldn't finish the jelly filled delicacy, but VENETIAN KOSHER SWEETS on the corner of N and Coney Island avenue, you took that away from me today. It was simply so bad that my whole family left it in disgust. The jelly tasted like some weird thick concoction and the dough itself was bland. At a dollar fifty a piece this place makes Rose Bakery look great. The official rating is 1 don't go near this, you've been warned.

Happy Hanuka to all, now I'm going to scrape the taste off my tongue with some home made latkes.

Its not Purim without my pressidor wafers

I thought I didn't leave anything for me to write about Purim this year after last year with my full week of Purim posts, turns out you never really know. I'm linking to last years posts if you missed it or want to remember it, yes Ive been around long enough to link to old posts.

Well I wrote about Purim themes and and costumes all very nice, but the truth is I don't like themes at all, too much effort has to go into it and I'm more of a traditional shaloch manot giver. I hate it when my family makes themes, for example: orange and red was one theme and everyone thought it was fire, or the time we went all natural and people were really confused. That's really why I don't like themes bad experiences with them and my liking of traditional ways intertwined. My idea of Shaloch manot is just giving a big box of Pressidors wafers and a bottle of grape juice, actually I'm craving some of that right now.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time and effort that's put into a theme, one guy gave me a stimulus package last year with a money sign on the front of the bag really funny. The best theme Ive ever seen was Drunkin Donuts the guy made a box that looked like a real dunkin donuts box and I think it cost a lot to make, still pretty impressive, and I made sure to aprreciate it in my spare time. Ill stick to my tradition which I'm very happy with, and who doesn't want a box of pressidor wafers, you cant say no it just not purim without pressidor wafers.

WHAT THE MEDRASH DIDNT TELL YOU

You think that you know it all, the whole Purim story, since you've been in kindergarten. You read the little medrash says when you were younger and you read let my nation live, but you really don't know anything. let me tell what really happened.

Lets start from once Esther became queen. Mordechai sat outside the kings palace. This is a shanda said all the rabbonim, how could a tzaddik sit outside the kings palace and not in a beis medrash learning, doesn't he know that outside the koislei beis medrash there is tons of pritzus, especially near the kings palace. Mordechai was banned from the community, but he was re accepted when he didn't bow down to wicked man Haman. The rabbonim of Persia also didn't like that a yiddishe maidel like Esther married a goy, and the shadchan really didn't know what to say about her children once they were ready get married.

Then Mordechai saved the kings life, a major uproar in the Persian Jewish community happened, how could Mordechai save a rasha. Countless bans went up on Persian yeshivah World News, and the comments written in cuneiform blasted Mordechai for such an act. When Haman put out his plan to exterminate the Jews the Kanoim of the generation blamed it on the lack of tznius in the persian empire, not the fact that the people strayed from the path, strict laws of wearing only black in the dessert countries were implemented by many of the Yihudim.

Then came the night the king couldn't fall asleep and Haman unexpectedly showed up to tell the king what should be done to the man the king wishes to honor. Turned out Mordechai, the one the Jews were blasting at the time, was going to pulled around by the wicked man Haman, thanks to Hamans suggestion, on the kings horse none the less, which is like pulling up in the modern day Cadillac Escalade. The Jews of Shushan decided to riot, they weren't going to let a parade of any kind, its a toeivah. As the horse was being drawn around town the Jews lit garbage's on fire and were pouring acid on anything not tznius.
at one point the Jews threw the flaming garbage on Haman, it got confused up with his daughter throwing it in the story through some gematria, don't know how that one goes.

From that point on the stories a blurr, but you can see all the points your little medrash forgot to tell you, so when you read the megillah try and remember that the world then wasn't so different from ours today, or there is no moral to this post and forget that last line.

The Shidduch Crisis

This is an email forwarded to me, it may be a little over the top but enjoy.

Ich zug dir, I'm really suffering from the shidduch crisis. Finding one's
bashert in today's society is just SO hard! I make hundreds of phone calls
to shadchanim, begging everyone not to forget about me - but so many of them
tend to brush me off with silly excuses like they have no time for me, they
can't think of anyone for me, they're too busy with other things Even when
they do find a few free moments to 'red' me a shidduch, they just never come
up with anything decent! It's a shanda, I tell you.

No, don't be ridiculous - of course I'm not a 19-year-old girl!

I'm not a 24-year-old bochur, either.

I'm the MOTHER of a shidduch-age yingel - and he's the best boy in the
yeshiva!

Oy, I hate krechtzing in public, but the truth is, it's a shrekliche matziv
out there for us future mother in laws.

I asked my son a few months ago what kind of girl he's looking for. You know
what he answered me? He said, "Ma, I just want a good girl." Ha! What does
he know? So I'm making it my business to find him what I know he really
needs. In fact, a shadchan called me just last week:

"Hello, Mrs. Vichtigmacher? I have a great girl for your son."

"You do? Terrific. What size is she?"

"Huh?"

"I asked, what size is she? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone bigger
than a 2. A size nothing - an absolute 0 - would be perfect."

"Oh, well I don't know "

"And how tall is she?"

"Oh, she's average hei-"

"What do you mean by 'average?' My son doesn't want to go out with anyone
shorter than 5'3, but of course he won't consider anyone taller than 5'5.
She might make him look small and stumpy, especially if she wears heels. So
this girl needs to fall within a three-inch radius for her to be
acceptable."

"Ok. I just-"

"What does she look like?"

"What? Oh, she' a really nice looking girl."

"Nice looking? That's it? A new pair of shoes is 'nice looking.' A matching
pocketbook is 'nice looking.' A good haircut is 'nice looking.' The girl my
son is going to marry has to be more than just 'nice looking!'"

"This girl is pretty."

"Pretty - but not beautiful or stunning or gorgeous or extraordinary?"

"Yes, she's very-"

"How old is she? Anyone under age 19 is most likely too immature for my
Gemarakup. Marrying someone that young would almost be like cradle
snatching! 20 is just right. In my opinion - and I'm right about just about
everything - any girl over 21 is already too settled in her ways to make a
good spouse. My son won't be able to mould her personality anymore. He won't
be able to properly train her to have a five course supper ready on the
table by 5pm, or else. Or to iron and starch and fold his cashmere socks
into perfect little 4-inch squares. You understand?"

"No, I'm not sure I-"

"And how many years can this girl's parents support my boy in kollel? My son
doesn't want to go out with anyone who can't support him for at least the
first decade. I mean, after all, a boy who sits and shvitzes and hureves in
kollel deserves to get everything he wants, doesn't he? My son simply
refuses to go out with anyone who doesn't come along with a house. And he's
partial to BMW's."

"Oh. I didn't-"

"How many kids are in the family? My son doesn't want to go out with anyone
who's the oldest in a large family, because then the girl is already burned
out and overstressed by the time she gets married. The youngest in a large
family is usually way too spoiled, so forget about that. And a middle child,
nebach, a middle child is usually neglected. On the other hand, an ONLY
child never learns to share with others or build sibling relationships, so
my son would never consider that either. If this girl is, say, the third
child in a family of 12 - that would be perfect."

"Actually, she's-"

"Oh. Very important. What does her father do for a living? My son would
never go out with a girl whose father or grandfather, up to four generations
back, worked in a butcher shop or a fish store. Anyone who can stand to
witness the sight of that much blood obviously has no midas harachamim. And
we won't take any truck drivers or used car salesmen either."

"Mrs. Vichtigmacher, I think-"

"Now hold on, I know exactly what you're going to say."

"You do?"

"Uh huh. You're going to tell me that this girl is everything I could
possibly hope for in a girl. And that may be true. But I'm not finished
getting information from you yet. I forgot to ask: On Shabbos, does her
family eat on fine China or on paper plates?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Well, it's obvious. If they eat on fine China, they're probably
feinshmekkers. On the other hand, if they eat on paper plates, they're
probably practical people, down to earth, but they don't respect the kedusha
of Shabbos as much as they should."

"Well then, what should they eat on?"

"Good question. And there's something else I need to know. Is the girl
quiet, or is she loud?"

"She's not too quiet"

"Aha! She's not too quiet, you say! I know your shadchan euphemisms. That's
a very subtle way of saying she has no eidelkeit. She's brash, loud, and way
out of control, right? Her teachers probably couldn't handle her all
throughout her 12 years of school. Her parents are probably desperate to get
her married, just so she can settle down, right? Tell me the truth."

"No! The truth is that she's really pretty quiet, but-"

"She's quiet? You mean she's timid, shy, tzurikgeshtannen? Doesn't she have
any friends? What are you redding my son, a mouse?!"

"Of course not, she's-"

"What will she wear on her head?"

"Excuse me?"

"On her head. A snood, a pony sheitel, a fall, a custom, a hat, a shpitzel?
Which is it?"

"Um. I assume she'll just wear a regular-"

"Regular? There's no such thing as 'regular.' What a woman wears on her head
tells a lot about what's going on INSIDE her head. Is she 'modern,'
'yeshivish,' litvish,' 'chassidish' or 'Meah Shearimdig?' Is she a rebel or
a rebbetzin?"

"She's a frum, wonderful, tzniusdige young lady! A really great baalas
middos tovos, with a kind heart and derech eretz! Mrs. Vichtigmacher, she's
just a good gir-"

"Did she go to camp?"

"Huh? Yes. She went to camp for a few summers, and some summers she stayed
home."

"She stayed home? Why? Are her parents too poor to afford camp? Is she too
attached to her mommy to leave home for a couple of weeks? Does she have
some embarrassing problem that she doesn't want her bunkmates or counsellors
to know? Does she snore or drool in her sleep? My son will never go out with
a girl who hasn't been to camp."

"I told you. She went to camp. Just not every sum-"

"Did she go to seminary in Israel? You know, girls just don't come out right
these days unless they go to seminary in Israel. My son won't go out with
any girl who hasn't been to-"

"I get the point. You know what? I don't think this shidduch is going to
work out after all. I don't have the time for you, I can't think o f anyone
for you, and I'm too busy with other things. Good luck marrying off your
son."

Oy, it's a shanda, I tell you. Vey iz mir! How I suffer from the shidduch
crisis!

Frummie Love Story part IX: The cure is in the sickness

The confusion settled in with Chana as to what Yitzchak would think of her. She felt to afraid to go out with someone who she herself didn't have an opinion of, or maybe it would help once she got to know him, this only added to the confusion. She was afraid to think one way more than the other for fear of herself plunging into the wrong direction, she needed a fresh look at things.

It just so happened to be that Chanas mother, Penina, had too much of her daughter waiting around for mashiach to come till she gets married, and instead made shidduch date for Chana herself. Penina was worried her daughter couldn't choose any boy, she wouldn't even take the nice boy from the Silberberg family down the street. After the last talk about it they had she needed to take action while her daughter was "hanging out" with friends and not caring (actually she was looking for a bochur using shadchan detective methods).

It was like getting married with a shotgun on your back, that's how Chana felt when she heard her mother set her up to go out with boy that night. A very forced feeling and very uneasy one; she was not coming out of it with a good feeling. She didn't know what to expect from who her mother set her up with, she just thought the worst. What was her mother doing behind her back anyway? Too many things and too little time to get ready.

The boy stopped in front of the house at about 8. She walked from the house to the yeshivish car alone, the boy didn't even open up the door for her to get in, it was already a lost case. They went to some place like On The Grill. The conversation was mild to none, Chana already made up her mind that this guy isn't for her, she reaches into her bag, maybe she'll be able to call this one off within an hour and a half. She checks to see what time it is while he tells her some gemara he just learnt, its only 8:53, and....... wait its Chanas Birthday too! "Awe shoot it!" is what came to mind "What a great way to start her 22nd year and embracing old age".

She dragged through the remainder of her date, only to come home to a mother waiting to hear how it went. She lied and said it went well and that she was happy her mother cared for her. Her head was clear after the date, it was like a cup of water thrown in her face. She realized that she might be closer to her mother if she kept up the good attitude, and that she needs to be more decisive when it comes to dates, it either works or doesn't that's what blind dates are for. Maybe the date with random bochur wasn't that bad after all. So Chana decided and a call to the "shadchan" tomorrow was on its way.

Its a large world out there

You know that saying "its a small world after all" well its wrong. The world is a large place full of things to do and people to meet, and I don't need some guy I just met to tell me its a small world after hearing we know the same people, dude its a small frummie world not a small everyone world..

Yes its a large world, and I was living it for the past week and a half, finding no time to blog at all. A lot has happened since I left, Tu b'shvat came and went, I was planning on writing about how no one really celebrates it and it gets lost in the sphere of influence the next two holidays have. One fact about Tu b'shvat while were in the subject, more people opted to plant a tree in the game of farmville in honor of tu b'shvat this year then really planting a tree.

Also there was an earthquake in Haiti which I did briefly write about, but what I failed to mention is that some Frum Jewish people (not the ones that went to help) are showing signs of joining the JKK or Jew Klux Klan. Its outright disgusting that some people are Happy, that's right, happy about the destruction and death of non Jews who have not wronged them in anyway. I was ready to blow up at some of these people, but its a useless argument they're never gonna get it straight, years of distortion have got them were they are and one rant isn't gonna change it.

Well now that Ive lived life for a week or so its time to hibernate and blog again till some warmer weather comes along, maybe I'll pick up jogging in the morning to keep me going or that groundhog better show up soon..... or not show up, does anybody know which one makes spring come earlier and when is groundhog day?

Another Edition of Mike Tonight

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In frum news, a new wave of people in Israel have been living by segulos for everything they need. They have been reported to "dial a Yeshua" for all their basic needs from the organization called Kupat Ha'ir, and have tried everything else to get help besides pray to g-d for it. As one "Segulaist" said, "Why pray when a rabbi can promise you anything, think of it as a genie with a beard".

Although not everybody is happy with this lack of faith in g-d. Many are disgusted that the more radical Segulaists don't even attend shul anymore. Others are more disgusted that people wont use shadchans anymore and rather rely on a segula to get married instead. One shadchan poured out her heart to us "(sob) its just.... its just that I love manipulating people into going out with each other (choke, sob) why wont they let me continue (sob) lets just ban segulos".

In a even more recent report, the Segulaists have pretty much broken off from mainstream orthodoxy, and even have cult like behaviors. Just this past motzei shabbos they had a gathering in the forest of Jerusalem behind yad v'shem. We had are very own David Spiegler there to report the story. David Spiegler: "Yes Mike, as you can see (no you cant this is bloggeradio) behind me there are havdalah candles lit all over and about 400 people dancing around making Indian noises and showering in the havdalah wine and some even going as far as to wash there clothing in it. To onlookers it seems like a cult ritual that includes immersing in wine, but we spoke to one of the group leaders who organized it and she had this to say".

Group leader Avigayil Sidorov (spoken with a heavy Israeli accent): "We are not a cult of any sort, although it might look like it due to the candles lit and the bathing in havdalah wine, but in actuality we are just performing the well known segula of taking the havdalah wine and putting it on your forehead. Its just that over time people put it on their eyes to purify them and in their pockets so they can get money for the coming week, so we decided to just dip our whole selves in it and we will cover everything, and we wash our clothing in it so we don't miss any pockets or any other segulos".

David Spiegler: Despite their intentions, Mike, it seems like a real cult. Back to you in Midwood I'm David Spiegler.

Me: Thank you David, in other frum news there was an earthquake in Haiti killing 200,000 and leaving many with out homes and others trapped under the rubble.

That's all for tonight, tune in next time for another edition of Mike Tonight, same station same time, every night.
This is another edition of Mike Tonight dunt dunt dunt dunt dununununt (background music).

Pizza Store Conversations

Some people go to a Starbucks to drink coffee and get wifi so they can keep up with every ones lives on twitter or facebook. Others get the coffee and wonder about what everyone else is thinking. I'm telling you that if you really want to know what others are thinking and/or want to get the latest buzz on someones life then walk into a Brooklyn pizza store, its as simple as that.

It just so happens to be that this very concept was rudely thrust into my face when I went for pizza the other day with an acquaintance. I sat down behind a guy, probably in his late 20's early thirties, talking to his mother. I didn't even have to turn around to try and figure out what he was talking about or check his status to find out whats the big issue in his life, he simply told me. Okay not really told me, but he said it loud enough for anyone to hear, so its as if he told me.

Me and my acquaintance didn't feel like hearing about his whole life, but this is how it went. He was arguing with his mother over his fathers estate, although it didn't sound like his father was dead yet. He went on to explain how his father treats him like dirt and doesn't invite him to football games. His mother tried telling him that that's not true, but he knew the truth. At one point they were talking about someone else who they knew and did not have a father, and somehow loud mouth in a pizza shop didn't want to "share" his own father with someone else. His mother tried to convince him that this guy needs a father, to which he persistently said " I have a father why should I give up mine to help him out just because he doesn't have one, its not my fault". At this point me and my acquaintance were scratching our heads, didn't he just say that his father treats him like dirt? It went on and on, constantly arguing back and forth on every single subject about family and money to doctors, lawyers and psychologists, and that wasn't the mother boasting about of her sons accomplishments. My acquaintance was speculating about telling them to just shut up because no one wants to hear it, I said I would take a video if he did for proof, it didn't happen in the end and we just left. We did try to make our own little argument to hint to them that arguing in public is rude, and that didn't work too well.

Ahem, right, so getting back to the point if you really want to do what it is i wrote in the opening paragraph, then a Brooklyn pizza store is the place. Do you have any stories of weird conversations you might have been forced to listen to? do tell.

a proposed theory to the fish story.

You were the happiest child around; your face was gleaming with pride. You were the luckiest something and 3 quarters year old there ever was. You just won your first ever goldfish at the local carnival in some dudes backyard. You drank that cup of punch faster than anyone else, making you the winner of the goldfish. It could have been a stupid prize, but you didn't care because it was your stupid prize pet with a 3 second memory.

You came home found the nearest bowl dumped Duggy (the name you gave it) in it and watched it float around for a while. You took breadcrumbs and fed it to Duggy, he was your best friend. You would run home to him after school everyday and then tell him about your problems. The only problem was that he gave you a blank stare back with almost no reaction.

One day you came to find that Duggy was pacing his bowl back and forth as if he was debating something. You ask "whatsa matter Duggy?". And then the unexpected happens, Duggy says back "Don't you get it, this whole world is only worth wherever I can travel and that isn't too far!". You look at the Goldfish and say "You can talk?" to which Duggy replies "Of course I could but I don't do it often because its hard to talk when you underwater", you nod your head in acknowledgement remembering the time you stuck your head underwater and tried to talk. You ask "But I didn't know fish could talk? wouldn't somebody have found out by now that fish could talk?", to which Duggy replies, "People have tried to tell others we talk but nobody believes them, who would, I wouldn't even believe it" you make a confused expression to duggy's statement. Just then your fish floats to the top and turns over. You promise yourself that one day people will know that fish talk, and that its just hard for them to do so, your story is going to be believed.

Sometime within that year the talking fish story came out and made headlines on every Jewish websites... soon after it even got its on tehillim group to pray that duggy's neshama gets an aliyah.

Warning: long post for those of you who only like short

This past week I have been quite tough on my blog considering the usual. It just happened to be that I discovered that my mind went blank when I tried to think of a post. So I tried looking over old posts to maybe get a fresh look at something, but that didn't work. I read other peoples blogs for insight, but I only could think of a "Why be atheist" type post which didn't go well the first time I tried, so that didn't work. I tried thinking of the latest topic of the day and write whatever it is that comes to mind on it, but nothing new came up. I tried thinking of a theoretical post of what could possibly be with our community or with a certain company that we trust, but been there done that. Then after a week of thinking I realized I'm burnt out! there is nothing left to post about, at which point I looked at it again and said to myself "Wait I'm not burnt out yet, and there are current events to write about, like the dybbuk" which was staring in my face the whole week. And thus the blog was saved.

About that dybbuk. Did they finally get rid of it? I heard they tried skype and it didn't work, and then they had something last week in Israel were a real kabbalist came out to do his voodoo. I personally don't believe this dybbuk is real, its like the talking fish story everyone wants it to be real but the fish didnt talk. I think this guy being "posessed" is a great ventriloquist, or nuts. The only real way to tell is to get the guy drunk, if the dybbuk is really in then the dybbuk will talk, if not the drunk guys scheme will be unveiled because the "dybbuk" will have suddenly disappeared.

What I need to do is to find out about more about this. Maybe station myself in the nearest yeshiva coffee room and just listen, then ill get the latest "Hock" that's flying around, and probably all the nonsense too..

Just A Few Thoughts

Don't you find it funny that there are all these little things in life that contradict each other, isn't it funnier when its the big things in life.

YU had a whole convention for the coming out of the closet gay frum Jews. Then every single chareidi rabbi condemns it and there are a bunch of words like abomination going around. YU is targeted and called a Toeivah institution, this causes more hate on it from the frummie community. Here's the funny part, Yeshiva University only had a conference about gay Jews, but yet when the Frum Community is faced with actual acts of sexual abuse they cover it up and hide it for fear that the yeshivos will close down or that chas v'shalom a family name should be ruined. It sickens me that there are people out there that can ruin a persons life mentally, completely destroying it and having the victims lose their sense of self, feeling isolated, and having to undergo years of therapy just to get back to normal, and yet the Jewish community hardly gives a damn. When it comes to a discussion on Toeivah they scream and riot and whatever. Tell me whats the real abomination here it doesnt take a genius.

Top Eleven post of 2009

Eleven because everyone else did 10 and I didn't want to copy them. All these posts where written in the name of Humor.

The first post is a You type post, the kind where I put you as the character and tell you what you think, on the topic of Jewish Geography.

The second post is on the topic of kashruth gone wild where everything gets labeled.

The third post is on February being black history month and I explain why black is such an important color that it gets its own month.

The fourth post(oh, by the way these are in order of the months not which is best) is on the topic of four hashgacha milk, also a you.

The fifth post, unlike the first post which question what is yeshivish, this one delves into how to look yeshivish which is a completely different topic.

The sixth post is a post on frum version of monopoly called kollel-opoly, hey you cant work to win right? so instead you open up yeshivos and kollels.

The seventh post is on the the habit of people writing the number 613 at the end of their e-mail address.

The eighth post is a parody on the famous book Harry Potter called Chaim Snyder, coming to an Eichlers near you.

Tisha Mi Yode'ah, Tisha Ani Yo'dea, Tisha is the ninth post on how to work out the frum way, I even got a link from Heshy Fried for this one.

The tenth post(s) is the series of Frummie Love Story, full edition.

Finally, the Eleventh post I have to say was Merry Nittel Nacht, a fake on a Christmas Carrol written by Charles Dickens.

Enjoy all the posts on 09, and many more to come.

Frummie Love Story Part VIII: The Making Of A Shadchan

Okay, before I write the 8Th part to this wonderfully long story which has seen its fair share of emotions and Shadchan detectives, I have to wish a great big Mazel Tov to two bloggers who are now engaged to each other, Mak and Child Ish. You might go as far as to call it a real frummie love story in the making and may they build a bayis ne'aman b'yisroel. Aymen, or uhmane, or Ahmen, or even Ooomine if your chassidish.

Shabbos once again came and this time with the amazing feeling of unity that Chana was feeling within herself. She felt that Yitzchak Pomerantz was going to be part of her life, read her Jewish poetry and charm her, and it would be bliss. Just there was one little problem, she still had to go out with him and she didn't feel right asking him directly without a shadchan, and she couldn't use a shadchan because they don't treat Chana as shidduch material (see big problem).

This was all it came to, all her work was stuck at one little road block. She remembered reading somewhere that love conquers all, she thought about the line trying to give it a religious perspective so she would believe in it. Something like if you want something enough hashem will help you, came to her mind.So she had to make a plan that would work, like her somewhat successful plan to help her find out Yitzchoks name. She discussed it with Rifky. They thought about pickup lines, but saying "Wow your hat is just so shtark wanna talk about it over some chalav yisroel coffee" wouldn't work for two reasons. The first being that he would probably be scared off by it, and two its really not the greatest pickup line in the world, sorry to all the frum people who wanted to use it, I suggest not to it wont get you far.

Chana and Rifky decided to say tehillim and hopefully hashem will grant them the idea they need. After two hours and the whole tehillim, they came up with a brilliant plan. They will turn Rifky into a shadchan and she will set them up, thereby nullifying any sort of complication possible, including shidduch resumes with stupid questions.

At the end of the day Chana knew that she was on the right track. But different feelings of doubt arose, "Will he like me?" was her question, "Will he be a nut on dates like some of those freaky stories they sometimes have in the shidduch newspaper articles that's meant for only people in the parsha to read but are really read by everyone?" was another. These thoughts flashed through her mind, and there was a constant battle between what could possibly happen and what she wanted to happen with each side bringing different reasons and logic. For now we leave her in a state of confusion.

My New Years

Material Maidel had a post here, on the topic of celebrating "New Years". I began to think, is it right or is it not. I came to the conclusion I personally wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years". Going to watch the ball drop in times square, getting mad drunk, watching all the ESPN top ten highlights for every sport this past year, are all things that would make me feel weird if I did them (okay the one about sports I wouldn't feel weird doing).

That weird feeling I would have I can only describe as me missing out on something from what is My usual New Years. For example: The taste of an apple dipped in honey or chalah, humming dip the apple in the honey while dipping it in the honey, eating a fishes eyes, trying all the simanim that I would never eat all year round anyway, sitting in shul for hours and knowing my fate is being determined that day, and so on. I wouldn't feel right celebrating "New Years" without that. The most I would do for "New years", and not feel like I'm missing something, is saying the year 2010 over 90 times so I feel comfortable saying it, like people would with V'sane Tal U'matar, but thats where it ends.

P.S. last year I wrote how everything has been down like the ball dropping including gas prices which were 1.83, well that went up another dollar in the past year.

Merry Nittel Nacht

Warning: very stereotypical, well the beginning at least.

Tonight is the night that people don't learn but cut up toilet paper, eat Chinese food and watch all the new movies before the Christians can. Its Nittel Nacht, and to go with it a story.

Once upon a time there was an old Jew with a very Jewish nose, reaching about four inches off his face. He was extremely ungenerous to all the Christians who would ask him for charity upon the coming of Nittel Nacht. When he wouldn't give them they would ask "Where is your Nittel Nacht spirit?" which he would answer "Bah, Hanukkah" in a grumpy old voice.

It twas the night of Nittel, and all were not touching the Talmud or any other source of Judaic learning, including the old Jew, Ben Ezra Gold, when came upon the door was Eliyahu Hanavi. The old Jew asked "Who is it that disrupts me while I chop up toilet paper, better not be those stupid carolers. Bah, Hanukkah". Eliyahu answered "It is I the prophet". Eliyahu came to the old Jew to tell him you will be visited by three malachim (angels) tonight. One would be the Malach of what already happened, the next would be the malach of Achshav (hebrew for now), and the next would be the Malach of what will be. The old Jew said to Eliyahu Hanavi "What have I done to deserve such holy treatment?" to which Eliyahu Hanavi answered "Well if you think its holy treatment then I guess they wouldn't be of help too you either way".

So Eliyahu the prophet left the old Jew Ben Ezra Gold, and called off the three malachim, and there never was a whole long journey where he finds out about himself and changes his ways like all the good Nittel Nacht Carols do. Life moved on and the old Jew ate the Chinese food in peace, and stayed grumpy to all the gentile children, and he knew how to keep Nittel Nacht well if any man alive possessed the knowledge to do so for all the years to come.

Kosher Innovations That Didnt Make It

Over the years KI has made inventions that have astounded the Jewish world. The most famous being the kosher lamp and toilet paper. Some less famous ones include the mitzvah muzzle and lashon hara gag. But there were some ideas that were rejected or just never caught on.

Tznius leg warmers were one of the items that never made it. Being that regular leg warmers resemble pants they decided to make it a one piece that wrapped around both legs instead of two separate ones for two separate feet. It never caught on due to the inability to walk in them.

Purple Ketchup. Who remembers purple ketchup? Yes the KI institution of frumology came up with this one. We know that red is an immodest color. If you like being bleached then hop on over to meah she'arim wearing red, they will be more than happy to shower you in bleach. So instead of the usual immodest ketchup they turned it purple. The purple Ketchup hit its climax when it made its way into McDonald's happy meals. That's when Kosher Innovations decided their product is to kosher to make it to a non-kosher place, and they pulled it from the shelves never to be seen again.

The Umbrella Hat. The hat that could be used for davening and acts as an umbrella when you cant carry one on shabbos. This too never caught on for various reasons that included it looking ridiculous.

The Talis Kattan Bag. "We all know you have a Tallis bag. Introducing the Talis Kattan Bag. Store your tzitzis, in this useless item over night. Available with name tags (this is from last years post)". Well as much as they thought it would catch on like the talis bag, it didn't and they aborted this one too.

There are probably many more of inventions like these that I don't know of. They feel rejected and hurt because no one wants them. I'm just voicing them to others out there, because maybe they too will one day become like their role model inventions such as the Kosher Phone, Kosher lamp, Tefillin sweater and others.

Star Mangled BANner

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the news, I was appalled and shocked, suddenly I was to treif for myself. Everyone was in turmoil, in fact you should leave right now if haven't already and head to a kosher country, that's right get off the Internet and pack you kosher innovated items and get moving.

I just stood there watching as everyone got up and left every pizza store, Judaica store, bakery, and business, even including B & H closed down. It was like an apocalypse before 2012, everything was barren and desolate. No it wasn't the snow that made it happen, it was The Ban. Rumors of The Ban were going around for a few months now but we all thought it was just a rumor, turns out we were wrong come that fateful day (you know how every special day has a name like D-day or kristillnacht, and for some reason the named days I chose have to do with WWII, but either way they are named) The Ban was "signed" by chareidi rabbis. Then as The Ban went into affect we all packed out.

Your probably wondering what was The Ban I speak of, if you don't know you must be living under a rock but Ill tell you anyway. The Ban was made in Israel by a bunch of people who have great influence on various powerful rabbonim. They banned America, maybe it was college's or is it because all maps show the states of America in different colors not just black, most probably because it has many parking lots that aren't protested in, I'm not sure why but they did Ban living in America. They said, just like my great great great great grandfather did in 1880 Dos iz a treife land (this is a treif land), and they banned living in America, that includes Lakewood ir hakodesh. And because of this everyone got up and left.

Being that you are now informed about The Ban I should let you know that there is a resistance of a few brave souls who decided its wrong for them in Israel to tell us where to live. The Askanim who made the ban, or should I say puppet masters, have sent a troop of home grown me'ah shearim bochurim to the states to riot and burn the rest of Jewish America and its resistance force.

(and the post takes an unexpected twist)

I am part of this resistance, I don't know how much longer we will last, these crazy bochurim never stop on the attack, we've been on the run from them for one month now ever since they overtook Teaneck (yeah, the one in new jersey). They seem to run on grease and chulent never sleeping, showering or using deodorant. As of now are primary weapon is the anti-ban, it can hold them for a while allowing us to have won only a few battles in the past, but were getting the hang of their tactics. Give us a few more months and were are planning an invasion of Israel, aided by nefesh B'nefesh, as a drastic move hopefully getting the bochur troops to flee back to Israel in hopes to save it from us. Maybe one day we will get back Jewish America and rid ourselves of the tyranny I hope so, Hashem Yirachem

Rating The Midwood Bakeries: Part IV

Yesterday I went to the ever so awesome Pita Sababa on kings highway and east 3rd, and just like last year I'm rating their sufganiot a complete ten. There wasn't a lack of jelly, a deep pocket full of it. The jelly wasn't clumped like some other places I went to last night, it was smooth and very tasty. The dough was also very well made. At 1.50 a piece its well worth it.

Pressers on M and east 17, The jelly was clumped, the dough was too chalk like of a texture, a normal amount of jelly considering its small size and only a dollar. I'm rating it a 6 in taste and over all also 6 being that their service was okay and the price of it was fair enough for its size.

Kaffs bakery on East 18 and ave. M. I actually had a nice conversation with the guy at the counter so he gets some points on customer service. It was self service so he gets heimish points too, but that's were it ended. The dough was actually worse then Pressers and the jelly was clumped and not a flowing so well, the pocket was deep enough for me, even if its a smaller sufgania its has to have more jelly, and it was 25 cents more than pressers so they only lose here. I rate it in taste a low five and overall a 6, remember they got extra points back there (well i cant say.

Porges on K and Coney island Avenue. It was self service so yes they also get heimish points, but it was a woman behind the counter so they are losing those points. The jelly was also clumpy, I dont get it, why did these last three places have clumpy jelly its just not good! The dough was average, also at a 1.25. The pocket of jelly was average too. This one gets a taste of 6 and over all a 6.

Im planning on going to a few more places soon, if your favorite bakery hasnt gotten an official rating by me and you wish it would, just click on # people gave their 2 cents below and drop a comment. Till then Wishing you all a Happy Hanuka

THE SUFGANIOT RATER IS IN

Tomorrow marks the first day of Chanukah and I already jumped into the Hanukkah spirit (see that's 2 different spellings of the holiday, does it really matter how you spell it), with my first two Sufganiot. They were from Isaac's bake shop on Ave. J between east 14th and 15th, and it was much like last year, still a dollar fifty and still rated a 7 (out of ten) and the service was a little slow but friendly. The Sufgania had some good jelly a decent pocketful I might add, the dough was a little dry but for 1.50 it shouldn't have been. Over all its rated a six.

I originally didn't want to go there, I was heading for Ostrovitsky's on east 12th, but they were sold out! that's right sold out before the first night. Being that I liked them last year and wanted to check out their service which I never got to, and they were only a dollar 25 I assumed they would be my best bet. I was disappointed and instead I headed to Isaac's bake shop.

In front of Isaac's they had a sign "Home made donuts, sufganiot (in Hebrew), sold here". Two things wrong with that. One, sufganiot are correctly translated as Israeli styled jelly donuts not home made, and even according to most Sufganiot am ha'aratzim they call it jelly donuts nothing about home made. And two, how could it be home made if its in a bakery?! I got no answers to that.

Yes people just like last year I will test my stomach of steel, and to those who wish to come and join me on my trips to try all the bakeries, (ahem) G6 (cough) Sally hazel, just give me shout, Child ish you in for another round? As always if you have any specific suggestions for me do tell, because I'm here to pay the price so you get it right.

Frummie Love Story Part VII: Dumping the shadchan

As the name came out of the Chaveirim guys mouth Chana felt an excitement with visions flashing before her eyes about all the different circumstances her and the bochur, Yitzchak Pomerantz, will encounter together. She had too many questions as to why he knew his license plate number to begin with, she was left in mystery and excitement, two emotions that when mixed lead to one curious energetic person.

The whole ride home in the repaired car Chana was trying to figure out the reason she found out in the most obscure way. After much thought and talking it out with Rifky, they decided it was hashgacha pratis in the making, it could only be the hand of g-d. This made Chana feel even closer to hashem, just the feeling of hashem guiding you in what you do is an amazing feeling. But of course this wasn't IT, IT was actually going on a romantic date with him and marrying while the sun is setting, then living the rest of their romantic lives together, that was IT and not just knowing he existed and his name.

Chana started to inquire about him without a shadchan, a big no no, what kind of girl would do this without a shadchan? surely one that's off the derech. Well our Chana was not off the D, but she was afraid that the shadchan would ruin her chances of marrying him because they want him for "better" girls. She was not considered the best girl out on the market, she was closing in her 22nd birthday, and being that she turned down other boys she was considered picky.

So she found herself in the lead role of detective. She found out which yeshiva he goes to, only by using her shadchan detective skills was she able to master this one, even she was surprised by how she found out. He went to a well known yeshiva located right in the heart of Midwood, one that actually had a good reputation for quality bochurim when it came to shalom bayis. Many other things were found out from constant spying on him and inquiring about him, including his amazing personality and how understanding he was of everyone.

All was perfect by the time the day of rest, shabbos, came about. Chana had fulfilled almost everything she needed to know about him before she could go on a date with him. As shabbos came with its sanctity and purity Chana felt as though her other part was coming into her to make her complete. A unity within herself, truly one of the best feelings out there.