Fe Fi Fo Frum

Imagine a world two thousand years ago, people running up to the beis hamikdash for the shalosh regalim, getting a glimpse of the holy of holies. Every single Jew is in Jerusalem for the holiday including friends and family. All the leading rabbonim are there and the big kahuna in his many garments too. Everyone is amazed at the beauty of the holy temple with its sea like look made out of different shades of marble. The amazing miracles that occur there everyday, you feel attached to g-d as if everything is right.

Wait, whats this? They are repainting the Holy temple Black! why? who? what is going on? The Beis hamikdash just got a frummie makeover! You run to the nearest figurehead and ask him why they painted such a beautiful building a dull color like black. He answers you "Recently the rabbonim figured out that colors are immodest and decided that this building either has to go or be painted, if you ask me we should stop wearing robes because women wear them on shabbos". You are in shock, but I loved the holy temple before it was painted, it inspired me you thought, whats next to go the kohen gadols fancy clothing? All of a sudden there is a big commotion going on. You run to find out whats going on. As you jump to get your head above the crowd you see that a small army is ushering out all the women who came to the temple mount, this is outrageous you say, they came to bask in g-ds glory why else do we have an ezras nashim? It seems that everything that went on in this place for the past hundred years is now against the Torah....


This would be the scenario of the shalosh regalim if it were to happen nowadays. I find it sad that such a beautiful time of year in those days would be considered a shandah if it happened today, not to mention the women who danced around on Tu b'av would also be.

OLD TIME RABBIS ON MODERN ORTHODOXY

I met an old Rabbi recently, a nice guy who taught in a yeshiva somewhere (I don't remember where) very friendly. We talked for a little after Maariv. He seemed to have a world of wisdom in the form of stories for just about every topic, as only an old timer could.

Somewhere along the conversation we hit the topic of orthodoxy/yeshivas. He told me that there is a difference between a good boy in a "yeshivishe" yeshiva and one in a modern orthodox one. He went onto explain that in a yeshivishe yeshiva a good boy is one that learns at any given moment he has and has respect for his elders. I was wondering exactly what he was going to say for a good modern orthodox boy, but I had no idea he was going to say what he said. He said that in a modern orthodox yeshiva a good boy is (take a sip of a drink near you and hold) one who doesn't watch TV on shabbos (now spit the drink out real quickly) .

I was taken aback for a minute, like I said last paragraph I wasnt ready for this kind of answer. I didnt know what to say, do I tell him youre wrong? do I bring honestly frum over? he obviously has the wrong perception about modern orthodox. Modern Orthodoxy is far from watching TV on shabbos, I dont know where he could have came to think this. I figured he just doesnt know what modern orthodox is, he probably meant reform (which wouldnt fit into a good reform kid not watching TV on shabbos because the "good" think its okay to a lot of things, but either way).

I am just posing a question out there, do you think all old rabbis think this way or its just a mistake or a fluke in this one rabbi? Comment what you think or we will never know.

I GOT NOTHING DONE

This past Friday was the infamous black Friday, I think it deserves its own holiday. The day were things are supposed to sell for pretty cheap and crazy sales that start at 5 in the morning. People line up for days before they open, camping in tents on frigid nights, all for a camera that's 75% off. The sales are amazing, one year they were selling flash drives for a dollar.

This year I really wanted to get in on the action, not just the pushing and shoving. I was trying to find a place were I don't have to wake up so early, and still get the sale. I thought about Best buy, then I heard they were sold out in 10 minutes or something like that, good thing I didn't waste my time there. I wanted to buy some good electronics and I couldn't find any place that would have any good sales by the time I got there. B and H in Manhattan wouldn't do, and staples was also a long shot by the time I would get there. I felt very disappointed that I walked away from black Friday with nothing new in my hands, I even put a post on facebook and I got no responses, saving the sales for yourself I guess.

But all is not lost, thank g-d for cyber Monday. Anybody got good sites I can buy from?

Frummie Love Story part V: Shadchan Detective

The time Chana needed to get over her mothers harmful words had hardly passed. The pain was there, but she decided that it wasn worth it if she let that get in her way of meeting this bochur, she had to move on though it still hurt her. What if her mother was right and she would become a spinster ran across her mind, flashing every time the subject would come up. Nevertheless she stuffed that thought in the corner. She realized what she had to do find a way to get that bochur into her life.


She talked it out with her BFF Rifky, they came up with a plan that will enable them to find out where he at least lives and then a chance at getting a name. Chana prayed for it to work, she even gave some money to kupat ha'ir and read the whole tehillim. Everything she had wished and believed in were on this last attempt including proving her mother wrong in a sense. If this didn't work she might not be able to emotionally handle the consequences it would come with, so it had to go through.

That Friday Chana went back to the same overgrown mini market at the same time she did last week, everything had to be the same for this to work. Unlike last time where she was daydreaming through the aisles, this time she's keeping her eyes peeled, although she couldn't remember his face, she would know its him from the jolt of life she would get when she sees him. Her friend Rifky waited in a car for the text message from Chana and things would go into place.

Chana saw someone with a hat and jacket turning a corner, her heart skipped a beat she felt a step closer to "it". She quickly went around the other way dodging carts and old women with baskets, she realized she isn't the typical Bais Yaakov girl now. As she turned on the other side her balloon of excitement deflated it wasn't him, she made a 180 and was about to start moving when in front of her was THE BOCHUR.

She could have fainted if she wasn't so embarrassed to, she said her sorry though she felt like saying thank you. The bochur on the other hand had a sweet smile on his face and said "isn't this the second time? I beginning to enjoy these occurrences" as Chana blushed. Instantly a big smile jumped on her face, it was him, somehow they met again, and he didn't seem afraid of weird occurrences he was able to keep his cool. Chana was just ecstatic. She waited around till she saw he would leave, then she texted Rifky when he did. Rifky who was waiting in the car, saw him and followed him from there till he went into a car, she took down the license plate number and texted chana it was done. Soon they were going to find out who owned this car and with that a name and everything else that come with it.

That shabbos Chana had a new feeling besides that awesome one she had last week, she felt accomplishment, this would override the bad feeling her mother gave her, who Chana tried to avoid now. At this rate who knows maybe in a week she might actually go out on a date with him.

CELEBRATE OR I ALWAYS DO

Thanksgiving is a holiday that everyone in America is proud to celebrate. They share it with family, with friends, it's a very joyous time of year and marks the beginning of the crazy shopping season. Movies and TV shows all depict this time of year as the one were we gather together.

Everything is perfect for anyone in America around this time of year, except for us frum folk. Nope, we have something against weird little poems about pilgrims coming across the pond and eating turkey with Indians. We have a problem with celebrating the giving of thanks on a special day for some reason, some of us say "Why should I make a holiday to give thanks when I give thanks all the time", believe me the ones saying this don't give thanks all the time. Others say that we shouldn't celebrate it because its a goyish holiday, which it isn't its American, and you are allowed to add holidays to the Jewish calendar for those of you who think we can't. Many of us decide that we don't want any of that warm family and friendly feeling on the last Thursday of November, we don't want to realize all that we have around us to be thankful for, that we live in a country were we are free to practice are religion, free to have Israeli day parades, to have protection for us on our high holidays (that's right cops do protect us) and all other littler reasons that pertain to each of us.

Last year I put out 10 things I am thankful for, maybe if frum Jews would write a list they would have more appreciation for thanksgiving, instead of just shrugging it off as another goyish holiday.

Frummie Love Story part IV: Mother Trouble

Warning: if you are an older single be prepared to cry.

Chana could hardly believe that she couldn't find this bochur despite all the shadchanim she went through, even though she could hardly give a description. The odds were against her, he might not even be the one she was looking for, and yet she still hung on to the thinnest of threads just to make it happen, she had this women's intuition that told her to keep pushing for it. Chana decided that she is going to find this bochur and track him down, she will learn everything about him, from where he learns to how many hours of sleep he gets in a week, it will all be known.

Meanwhile, Chana's mother Penina was very worried, her daughters 22nd birthday was in a few weeks and she didn't see any new prospects for her daughter in the forecast. She decided to have a talk with her daughter, maybe she could convince her daughter, somehow, to find a match already. As Penina walked into Chana's room, she found Chana in serious thought, which she normally didn't see on her face. Penina wasn't the best at convincing anyone, so the conversation turned into more of a misunderstood one with her daughter.

Penina: "Chana I think that you... are..... waiting to long for you to settle down with someone, I mean you don't want to live all alone when you're older, right? you want to give me grandchildren, right?", Chana upon hearing this instantly was taken aback, why was her mother not supporting her and what is she thinking of me, went through her mind. She didn't want to say the truth that she was scouting out a boy, because no aidel maidel does that. So instead our Chana replied "I don't want to stay alone my whole life, I'm just.... (looking for something to say) different", she then regretted saying that because her mothers expression was not one thats desired to see. Penina was worried, what did her daughter mean by different? Penina answered back feeling even worse than before "Is that why the boys don't like you, you're different?" as Chana rolls her eyes "If that's the problem then our neighbors the Silberbergs have a wonderful boy who would be perfect for you (Chana never liked the Silberbergs boy, he was a little weird) he's nice, he's a torah observant Jew and he has much in common with-". Chana: "-stop stop", in a sudden outburst "you don't understand!......... just let me breathe right now!".

Penina walked out seeing she didn't really help. Chana was left there tear filled eyes and all. She knew her mother was right which was hard to swallow because she really didn't want her to be, she didn't want to be set up with this Silberberg boy, she just wanted her mother to either understand her or better yet, just leave her alone and not send her on this guilt trip and making obscure assumptions about her. Chana felt as miserable now as she felt joyous on the shabbos before, she felt that at this moment only time can heal the pain and time wasn't moving fast enough. All she could do for now is let her pillow soak up the tears streaming down her soft face.

Frummie Love Story part III: On The Move

Chana came home after her erev shabbos shopping with the biggest smile ever, ear to ear. She was lost in the most amazing feeling you can think of. Not only did she think her dream of that special bochur could come true, but the fact that she met that potential one made her heart give this weird turned on its side sensation that could only be expressed with a smile. It was a smile that could not be broken no matter what happened, because one way or another she would find whatever it was to be good in some way, even when she burned her hand while making chulent she couldn't resist smiling.

That shabbos was to her what a shabbos should be, but as great as it was she knew it was missing exactly what was making her happy, this potential bochur she met that Friday. She had to do something to make it true, to make it happen. That Sunday she went to the shadchan searching for this boy, being that she didn't have anything to submit to the shadchan about him, i.e. name, yeshiva, where he lives. So she basically described to the shadchan what she thinks the boy's personality was, and how he looked, which was hard to do because she couldn't visualize his facial features all she could say is he had a hat and jacket, and since many boys have hats and jackets its hard to find one specific bochur.

All week attempt after attempt failed and she desperately wanted to get somewhere and maybe go out on a shidduch date to see if he was perfect. It looked like the conventional way wasn't gonna do it, detective shadchan is in the house.

MIKE TONIGHT (cross out tonight, insert..) VIN

Recently I posted about Obama and the conspiracies that everyone had about him, and why its been a year since frummies have gone nuts and predicted Obama making another holocaust and how nothing has happened and there should be nothing to fear, remember?. Well when I wrote it I thought that it was just another post where I say whats in the minds of the people of our community, since I am from New York of course I don't mean the people "out of town" when I say community. What I didn't realize is that VIN, and other people, are examining my posts. Ill prove it.

Just today I found an article about how many people are afraid of Obama and have conspiracies about him, this is all over the country they say, little did they realize frum Jews live all around the country. Now I just said a paragraph before I wrote about this recently, now they copy my post and add the ADL (something I didn't do) to prove it true.

Second case. I wrote about making non Jewish books kosher, you know those books that don't were tzitzis on their four cornered plastic covers, yeah those non Jewish books. I had the idea to make a book called Chaim Snyder which would be the Jewish version of Harry Potter, with kabaalah and kishuf instead of magic and even the evil pope Vladimir. So later on I found out they were making a kosher version Sherlocke Holmes, someone obviously took my idea and used it.

(Paranoidly) Someone out there is observing my posts and putting it out there for real , its a conspiracy to get me...... and Obama.

Frummie Love Story part II: Obstacles to pass

One day our Chana was strolling through the aisles at the local over grown mini market (think mountain fruit). She was doing some erev shabbos shopping through the crowded store. Unlike most people there on their bluetooths and cell phones trying to figure out what was on the list they forgot, Chana was in a sort of dream state as she randomly picked up items only to put them back after she noticed they weren't kosher enough. She was trotting through one aisle with her cart which had the one bad wheel, when there was a young man with another cart wearing a hat and jacket coming in the opposite direction. Chana instantly pops out of her fantasy and notices this handsome bochur. Being that the aisles are too small to fit two carts at once this then happens.

"Oh sorry about that, baruch hashem, I'll just try to move to the right, sorry" Chana said in a nervous tone. "No its okay, I shouldn't have come down this aisle if I saw you were there" said Bochur. It takes a few turns from one side to the other and the cracking of held back smiles till the episode passed.

Something about this boy struck a chord in Chana's head, she replayed the whole scenario over and over again in her head. When that wasn't enough she would imagine different conversations in different instances and how it would play out. She quickly texted her loyal friend Rivky about what had just occurred, the texts looked much like this. Omg no way, ahhhhhh! lol. Yes and it was amazing lol ahhhhh! omg omg. No way, could it be aaahhhh aaaahhhhhh aaaaaaaahhhh! it may come true (shriek). Hashem has baruch hashem answered my tefillos ahhhh!.

After awhile Chana realized that it was just one time, she may never see him again, and who said he was actually what she was looking for, she was determined to find out everything, sort of like a nosy shadchan who has to know everything, and a lot like a detective who doesn't just ask the person directly, she was her own personal detective shadchan. Thankfully Chana read all those Nachman Seltzer books, and when she was younger, the forbidden detective series gemarakup which had gemara in it so girls couldn't read it (The books Nachman seltzer wrote have to do with finding out how to stop the ninth reich, and his other books stopping the eighth, and the sixth reich from forming, the seventh was never written because it didn't have a good plot to it).

WORKING OUT

People need to exercise its a known fact, it helps you move, lose weight, helps cardiovascular system, and does many other things to help maintain a healthy state. Many people exercise, including Frum and goyim alike.

The way to jog, goyim: Jogging is one such way is to exercise. You can see throughout the early hours people jogging just about anywhere. On street corners they will be bouncing around on their expensive sneakers waiting for the light to change and start moving somewhere again. They get out there sweat bands and sweat jackets with their Poland spring "to go bottles" to keep themselves fit.

The way to jog, frummie (woman): They don't actually jog because that's not tznius so they power walk. Unlike the jogger who goes alone, the frummie woman power walk in groups that take up the whole sidewalk while catching up on the latest gossip, or while setting up shidduchim. They don't have special clothes, no sweat bands, no sweaters, just tichel or turban with cheap white sneakers, its always done in the morning. Very common on ocean parkway.

Lifting weights, Goyim: Usually done by guys with massive muscles, either they bench press the weights or they lift it from the ground above their heads, simple.

Lifting weights, Frummie: Usually done by a guy in a talis who everyone thinks has to be really strong just to do hagba. That's right, Hagba is considered this great big thing almost impossible task and only Shimshon like people could possibly manage to lift a scroll into the air, and it gets worse on simchas torah with the whole flipping idea.
Then there is the lifting of people by weddings, bar mitzvahs don't count because the kid is too lightweight. Mainly done as a group workout, but occasionally done by one specific person who puts them on his shoulders.

This is the difference between Jews working out and goyim, some say its a great thing that we are distancing ourselves from the goyim, others don't believe half of this counts as workouts. If you have any ideas to put, we are open to hear them in the comments section, titled "# agave their 2 cents", which now has word verification to prove you are human due to spam comments.

MA'ARIV PAINS

Tonight I went to shul for ma'ariv. It started out slow and then kept dragging on and on. I normally don't want a long ma'ariv but I wont complain about it either, but that's usually, tonight was different. From the beginning of Ve'hu rachum till the end of Aleinu was pure agony.

I usually take a little bit longer than the chazan when it comes to saying shema as so with most of the prayers, I always wonder does the chazan say every word? or does he mumbles through it. Tonight, like I said, was different not only did I finish before the chazan but I was waiting for the chazan to say hashem aleikechem emes. I had this big urge to whistle real loud (the one with your fingers in your mouth, not that I can do it) and shout "get moving already", I held myself back. Oh I didn't tell you the chazan was finished and I had no clue what he was waiting for, the messiah? maybe. In the end I made it through and I was okay.

I find it interesting that there could be shuls which stress the slow ma'ariv, and yet in the morning they have what I call "speedy ganshachris (gonzalez) minyanim" or Matzah Minyans (because they have to end in 18 minutes). I like my shuls consistent, either they have long everything (not that i'd go to this shul) or fast everything, you have to choose.

IM STILL WAITING

Its been over a year now since Obama was elected, and all is fine, well almost. The world is still running, there is no universal wars, I can still live a normal life with the liberty to practice my religion. Who could have thought that we could go a whole year since he was elected without having one of these things, oh wait I thought so, but there were those who didnt.

Flashback to a year ago. Remember people were holding tehillim rallies so he wont be elected, others were fasting hoping hashem will rip up the bad decree. I remember people telling me a lot of things, many weird things, they are going to leave the country and move to monsey, or kiryas yoel was just one of them. Others predicted 2012 to happen early with proofs from prophecies of the neviim, Zohar, Chumash, Gemorrah, or any other sort of Jewish work, and it was quite funny to see how they would try to prove it. They would tell me "If you take this letter from here and add it to this one here multiplied by that it equals Obama". At first I would be perplexed as to why they chose such a random order to prove something when I could do that with anything, they should have used a system that at least had a pattern. Then I would ask "Okay you proved it says Obama somehow, now how does that prove he is the cause of the end of the world?" a smart person wouldn't answer, dumb ones said things along the lines of "Hitler had that whole youth program and Obama is working on one" (oh so that's why Obama wanted to speak to kids in school (sarcasm sarcasm)).

And yet it has been a year, Obama is president and Mashiach isn't here, nor are people running to different countries like they promised, and I'm still waiting for the testimonies of some to come true, who wants to wait with me.

JUDAISMS NEXT TOP MAIDEL

A new reality TV series on the all Jewish network Shidduch Central, has become all the rave among orthodox TV watchers, much like the hot game show Magen David. Judaisms Next Top Maidel is an intense show that features 12 Jewish girls who are competing to become Judaisms most talked about single. The girls go through a series of competitions that requires them to look their best in black and without any makeup. They are rated by a panel of rabbis who wont look at them, to determine who will be the next top maidel.

There are some who object to this show, too much gossip is emanating from it. Last week we left off with 5 contestants, when Batsheva was eliminated she had this to say "(Sobbing with tears coming down her eyes) I... I... I tried my hardest (sob) and I just didn't make the cut, I guess next time I need to have more bitachon in hashem. Baruch Hashem at least now I'll be able to see my family again (sob)." This lead to many blogs and the Jew S Weekly to promote gossip about her, saying that Batsheva had went into a serious depression and was now outside the box for potential shidduch matches, this only enraged those who dslike the show.

The show still seems to be a big hit among many despite the objection by some. It just seems to have everything, drama, like when Sarah got into a big fight with Esther because they both wore the same shade of black, and of course it has the private interviews with people getting really emotional for no reason. All this adds up to the most watched show on Shidduch Central.

Judaism Next Top Maidel airs Wednsdays at 8:00 O'clock eastern time right after the eveniing news with YWN.

WHERE WAS HE?

Throughout the whole campaign for mayor I did not hear one good thing about Thompson. Whether I was listening to the radio, saw an ad in the Jewish press, or saw one on TV, I didn't hear anything for Thompson. All I knew of was from the Bloomberg for mayor ads, it told me Thompson wants to raise taxes, give money to people who are supporting him and something to do with contracts, but never did I hear something good about Thompson.

May be there was nothing good about him? maybe he really did all those bad things and would do them again so he felt too ashamed to even mention his name anywhere? But then why did Thompson even run if he didn't plan on getting the word out to me, or anyone else that he can do something with this state?

I just don't understand this Thompson dude, whether Obama would support him or not, like he did with Corzine in new jersey which corzine lost anyway, how would it have helped if he never said he could do anything for us! Did he really campaign and I just missed it somewhere or am I really right.

A frummie love story part 1: Waiting for something that couldnt be

Oh shoots, its November 3rd and I haven't even started my novel for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). If you ask me I really don't expect to finish this novel in a month, but give me sometime and I might be able to get in by next years NaNoWriMo, you wont tell anybody I started a year earlier right? what you will!... fine be that way. Okay enough of that here it goes.

WAITING FOR SOMETHING THAT COULDN'T BE

Chana had been in shidduchim for a while, with little success. She had been through countless men who seemed to fit out on paper, Black hat, in yeshiva, will learn in kollel, but it never went passed date 2. She had been to many shadchanim of every type, but to no avail, something just made her turn them down. Chana's mother Penina, a very worrisome person like most Jewish mothers, had all sorts of suspicions as to why nothing was working out. Everything from looks and Ayin Har'a to maybe her daughter is an atheist went through her head. But in reality Chana knew the real reason why it wasn't working out.


It wasn't that Chana didn't like anyone she was setup with she was okay with everyone, but they were missing something she was looking for. Chana had a vision that wasn't from g-d, of the perfect bochurel for her. She had envisioned a man, a bochur in hat and shining (dimming) jacket who will come out of his Yeshivish car (off his horse) and read Shir hashiurim to her, or any other sort of Jewish poetry, while she was on her porch leaning over listening intently to the words to come out of his mouth. He would be the kindest boy out there, anyone who met him would become friends with him instantly, he'd be sweet and as romantic as frummies can get. To most this would be all but a dream, a fantasy that would never come true, but to Chana it was a reality something she hoped and longed for.

But this "reality" had a time limit, Chana was nearing the ripe old age of 22, a time were most girls were already celebrating their sons upsherin, Chana was feeling left behind and needed to do something fast. Shadchanim had told her that she sets the bar to high, that she had to lower her expectations from whatever it is she wanted, or she will never get married. This hurt Chana, having to deal with the fact that she might never have that angel of a chosson. Her FFB BFF (Frum From Birth Best friend 4ever) Rivky, the only one who knew about Chana's fantasy, was half heartedly supporting her dream. On one hand the dream was great, but on the other it was unrealistic and wont ever happen.

There were countless nights Chana went to sleep crying, hoping, praying and waiting, and every morning she would wake up with a wet pillow and a broken heart still yearning for that for her other half. Yet, somehow she would have this feeling of "its gonna happen soon don't worry", run through her, giving her an emotional boost, and she would function like a normal person for another day till the cycle repaeats itself.

Part 2: OBSTACLES TO PASS

NOACH WAS LAST WEEK

So this Friday I walked into my house like any other day. I immediately hear a loud shriek, it did not come from my downstairs neighbors which I found out are Armenian and very noisy, it came from my sister. I then interpret the shrieks to mean there is a squirrel in our house. My sister ran into a room and hid there, one of my brothers didn't want to come out of the bathroom, it was quite funny.

I was left alone to chase the squirrel out of my house and back into the trash cans searching for leftover pizza, yes I was fearless. I took a broom and looked in every closet and room, and under every bed and chair, but I could not find it anywhere. We left the door opened so it can leave by itself, so I thought it was gone. Some were skeptic about it leaving and my sister kept shrieking at everything that moved. After a while it reappeared and everyone was running again except for me. After a many attempts at hitting it with my weapon of choice (my broom), it scurried out of my house and into the concrete jungle, everyone was relieved.

Later a bird flew into my window, the window was closed, and it got hurt, I felt bad. Now just to repeat my title, I think the animals thought my home was the teivah and that this past weeks parsha was Noach, why else would they come.