ITS KOSHER ALL DAY LONG

Being that we live in a society that is advancing in the most treife ways, the only thing that can possibly save us from this is, new ways to put hechshers on every item (Yay!). Its the only possible way to save us from any sort of treif out in the world. I will now predict the future of us as Jews:


The First thing to come out of the newly installed kosher market will be, people Hechshers; because many times you talk to people, and you just cant seem to tell who is up to your standards at that moment, maybe they are hiding something, and do you want to be influenced by someone treif, especially on a shidduch date? obviously not. So how can we possibly find a person who is kosher enough; therefore, we are going to introduce the human hechsher. At first there will only be Kosher and non kosher people, but somewhere along the way more hechsheirm will come through. Some people will have FFBTD (Frum From Birth Till Death) status, like OU parve, while others will will have a FFBBL (Frum From Birth But Lacking), sort of like OUDe (dairy equipment). Then others will be labeled with OTDCBAHS ( Off The Derech Coming Back on After High School) that's an OUD. Now its easier to keep yourself kosher with labels on everybody, you wont come in contact with someone you don't want to. Of course there will be mashgichim going all around checking up on people. This is an attempt to "fix" the shidduch crisis.


Everyone will be so into hechsherim, that every school will also have to have a hechsher on it. Schools will either be marked with Treif, Ba'adatz, or Kaf K. Treif being; anything that has a secular department. Ba'adatz being; learning non-stop to kollel, and Kaf K will be somewhere in between but frowned upon. If you send your children to the wrong yeshivah then you will be second class citizen.


The next thing to be hit, will be the communities themselves. Williamsburg is going to the dogs, to hipsters and bicycle lanes, this placed is deemed too treif, and that means anyone who lives there is not kosher enough. This doesn't say much for places out of the tristate area, they are for sure not kosher. Boro park and Midwood is borderline kosher, why you might ask? well its obvious, they don't have separate sides to walk on for men and women. Lakewood eer hakodesh and Bnei brak are kosher. New square, kiriyas Yoel, meah shearim, and any other sorts of towns like that are the kosherist (meah shearim is its own town, if kiriyas yoel is its own country) . Of course if you live in the wrong community you are an out cast and not Jewish.

I'll end it with this: I always thought the caste system in India was exaggerated, but now my thoughts are changing.

A ROCKING SHALOM ZACHOR

I was at this sholom zachor a while back. I knew the guy somewhat, and I was in the area, so I went (sorry Moshe not referring to you). I went in, and heard loud, loud singing (off key of course), but they were awesome. They sang just about everything; I believe they were drunk. I said my mazal tov and stuck around a little bit, to marvel at the site.

I have been to many shalom zachor's, none of them had any singing going on like this, if any at all. The atmosphere was pretty light, not like those tense shalom zachors were everyone is afraid to eat anything unless the ba'al simcha forces it down their throat. No, this one was good, the food was almost gone when I came, except the mint chocolate tray.

Things I noticed about a shalom zachor, and at any sort of simcha but especially a shalom zachor, is that there are always the assortments of mint chocolate that no one really like to touch. Some of them are; the jelly ring covered in mint chocolate, the mint chocolate with a disgusting filling, next to that is, the mint chocolate (sort of like a chocolate chip) with the sprinkles on it; no one likes them at all, don't know why everyone buys them.

Also at any simcha you will have the old guy (they tend to be old) who is worried about the children near the drinks (alcohol). As some kid is trying to snatch a cup of Bartenura, or some bad dry wine from Baron Herzog, this guy will say "hey wheres your father, you cant have that" as he snatches the bottle or cup away from the kid. These guys never enjoy the simcha they are at.

Well this shalom zachor was different, none of those old guys (maybe that explains the wild kids), but the mints where there, and it definitely was one shalom zachor to remember.

FINDING A NEW SHUL

You have been searching for a new shul; ever since you got into one of the biggest fights in your old shul due to a guy forgetting someones Hebrew name. After your friend nagging you about this other shul you could go to, you decide to go there. You have absolutely no clue what this shul will be like, all you know is that its supposed to have a good kiddush and, anything is better than your old shul. You think to yourself "Why didn't half of the minyan from your old shul separate and make its own shul?". You answer that with "I would probably fight with them either way". You are still not so thrilled about this new shul.

So you head out to this new shul on shabbos morning. It occurs to you that this place is a black hatter shul, due to all the black hats. You find your friend, who told you to come, you wait till chazaras hashatz, not too long being that you walked in during baruchu. For some reason, you decide to take the seat of someones makom kavuah (usual seat he prays in). The guy doesn't say anything, rather he stands very, very close to you. Being that the guy doesn't use any deodorant, or cologne, you decide to move only to shoot him a dirty look. The guy intern, waves his smell at you with his hat.

So you pick a new seat. At this new seat you are sitting next to the loudest, worst voiced guy in the shul. Not only is he the loudest worst voice in shul, but he even goes as far as to use the chazans tunes while not pronouncing any of the words. So you are sitting right next to the guy who wont put his lips together on any of the words he says. You wonder to yourself " Is there a guy like this in every black hat shul? (the truth is, there is one in every black hat shul)". You decide to tell the guy off, he responds with an even louder than possible davening. To get back at the guy, you take away the tissue box the guy ever so needs for his drooling mouth (the drooling mouth is caused by not closing his lips as he says the words). Don't think Mister drool faced loud mouth doesn't have a plan, as he begins drool over you. You in return give back the tissue box.

After you are done chazaras hashatz, at which you would have talked to your friend only to be shushed repeatedly by the rabbi, you feel like this shul isn't for you. Leining is over, and you are thankful that a fight didnt start out over hebrew names. Your friend decided to request hagbah for you, you would have told him no, but whats done is done. After leining you get up there to do your thing. You say to yourself "this Torah isn't so hard, plus its pretty much even on both sides". You take the atzai chaim and thrust the Torah up in to air.

As you are turning around, to show off how well you did the job and how many columns you got, there is a guy behind you who starts to grab on to the Torah where ever he can. You tell him to stop, its going to fall, but the guy is to worried you don't have control of the Torah he tells you. You tell him repeatedly "hagbah isn't that hard I got, I got, your making it worse. He tells you "sit down already I don't want to fast 40 days!". The hagbah freak is now pushing you into a seat, and now guy who doesn't use deodorant is getting into the mix, you lose your balance and now the Torah falls. Everybody is shocked to see what happens.

Instant turmoil begins to erupt. People are screaming, the Rabbi runs to pick up the Torah, children are screaming for their mothers, a fire has broken out, how you do not know. One guy is trying to sneak his way out of shul so its as if he doesn't need to fast forty days, someone else jumps out the window in an attempt to do the same. A different guy punches you in the face and says "I cant fast 40 days I'll starve to death". You tackle j=him and scream back "you can eat at night, and its not my fault, its the hagbah freaks fault". Another guy knocks you off him and shouts back "I am not Muslim, I don't celebrate Ramadan" You scream back "they all eat in the bathroom anyway, don't you know?" another guy hits your friend over his head with a chair. You charge at the guy for hitting your friend. Now the shul is in complete chaos, everybody is hitting everybody. Loud mouth drool guy is coming after you, along with makom kavua guy. The fire that started before, is now getting bigger, everyone is forced evacuates the shul.

The screaming continues as the police come. They decide to arrest only you, on the charges of assault, damaging holy articles, and holy sites. As you are being carted off, you think to yourself, "That idiot if only he would have let me be, and now I have to fast in prison &*$%^&*@ " You curse out everything (mister loud drool face) and everyone (makom kavua guy and hagbah freak) that have made your shabbos a difficult one, and swear to never set foot in that now burnt down shul.

So this shabbos, people, be thankful your shul is..... no....no... there is no moral to this story, too bad.

THE CHALLAH THIEF

It was in a unmentionable place where it happened. The scene: My mother buying challah, a cart that cant fit through all the aisles and the challah thief.

It was today, a Friday, that it happened. My mother was out buying challah in Mountain fruit, she doesn't like water challah only egg and round, She picks up the last two chalot of that kind. As she was going around another aisle, with her cart unattended (something that should never be done in Jewish stores) due to small aisles, a person went to her cart took out one of her good challos and put in a lesser quality challah instead. My mother only noticed that she now had the wrong type of challah when she came to the register.

This person had the chutzpah to take out something from another cart, and not only that, but to switch it with another one, that's absurd. I understand if you by mistake added something to someone elses cart, you get confused it happens, but this person is just wrong. Something tells me that its not the first time they did it.

So watch out all you unmentional place goers, there is a challah thief (I will find out who you are). If you have any information at all (not giving you the name of the store so I am making it kind of hard), don't keep it to yourself, contact us with a comment below, you can keep yourself anonymous if you'd like.

WHAT TYPE OF JEW AM I?

All my life I haven't really known what I was; I always knew I was Jewish, but what type of Jew was I? Ashkenazi or sfardi? that one I answered; I am an ashkenazi and sphardi, I observe both minhagim somehow.

But what type of Jew am I? At the young age of five years old, I came to the realization that my family wasn't like all the other frum families the Morahs spoke about. When I was at some other young age I had a friend, this friend was a real frummie. One day he asked me am I frum, I did not know what frum meant, (I thought it meant that you are a mean/bad person) so I told him no, then I asked what it meant. Shortly after I started seeing less and less of him, till the point that I never did. I knew I was not like his family, and I learnt I am frum, but what type? After many years I decided to take the test and here are my results (I barely passed, nothing over 66%).

Left Wing Modern Orthodox:27% Right Wing Modern Orthodox:63%

Left Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:66% Right Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:41%

The Orthodoxy Test says that I'm Huh?

What does it mean? I give up. What are you?





And the search continues, but I will always be Jewish

THE EVENT

That's right, I finally got around to writing about THE EVENT. So once again the famed Lipa Shmeltzer is going at it again, with his new event, "The Event". I have just a few questions. The Event sounds a little weird, don't ya think. I understand Big Event, its just one of the big events going on in the world. But The Event? that seems very in your face, as in the only event worth going to all year, is the super bowl not an event enough to be THE EVENT?

I would buy tickets to go, but I am afraid I wont get my moneys worth. Let me explain. Whats stopping it from being banned like the BIG EVENT? Is there anything different than the last one? Its in the same place, and almost on the same date. The rabbanim (or frum Mafia) will somehow put a stop to it, and then I will lose my money. Or does the fact that he named his last album Poshiter Yid make him all humble, and then his event wont be canceled.

No one really knows why his big event last year was canceled. It was in the paper for the next few weeks on why the rabbanim banned him. Something about fake signatures, or not knowing at all about what they were signing, and there was supposed to be a meeting to discuss it, which never ended up happening, and it was banned anyway. Some say the secret Frum Mafia got behind it, and put a stop to him for an unknown reason (did he not want to give them a 25% cut?). Who's to say it wont happen again; therefore, I am not going to buy a ticket to his concert.

What ever the case maybe, I think that Lipa made the wrong choice about making another EVENT. I also think that he made a bad choice with the name he picked for it, but Lipa is Lipa and it somehow all works out the Lipa way.

THE DENTIST OFFICE FROM..... choose your own words (plural).

On Friday I had a dentist appointment (I brush my teeth regularly so I don't have to worry much). As I know, the dentist waiting room is meant to wait a long time, so I decided to bring my Ipod with all 17 songs (1 hour and 25 minutes worth of music. 5 multiply it by 17). The appointment was set for 11AM. I got there at 11:05, to be exact. I signed in and sat down to wait. I got my X-rays within minutes. I noticed something weird, all the women, when finished their appointments, went to the bathroom. I also noticed that people who walked in after me, and signed in after me, went before me. So I walked up to the secretary to see whats going on. Turns out I was behind one person. Then it turned out I was behind one person for an 1 hour and 20 minutes. When the clock hit 12 I was wondering what is taking so long. At 12:30 I was pissed off because my Ipod battery died before, and now I was staring into space bored out of my mind. So after getting in at 11 AM, my appointment actually started at 12:50, and I was out of there by 1 PM.

Turns out I need to start flossing (when don't they tell you that), otherwise I was good to go, and my wait was for nothing. What I couldn't believe next was, when I was leaving I asked, why it took such a long time. They answered that I came at 11:30 and I got in at 12:30. I showed them the sign in sheet and... lets just say they wished they never spoke, and they were so wrong about 12:30.

That's hopefully my last experience with that dentist office.