Friday, December 5, 2008


You wake up to your kosher alarm clock, playing only the most kosher radio. You hit the "I am not a visikin guy" button. A few minutes, later it plays a again, to the tune of Wake Up by Lipa, or is that not frum enough? You press the "I am up for shachris" button. You lean over to your mikveh, beside your bed, and wash your hands. You go to the kitchen, which has your own personal Mashgiach, to make sure all is glatt kosher. You open your refrigerator, and reach for a bottle of Lakewood Orange juice, which is made in Brazil and Florida, but you didn't know that. You step outside your house, walk to the correct part of the street, made just for men.

You notice a woman being beat for walking to her house, which is on the men's side of the street. You say to yourself "she deserves it". You go to your yeshivishe car, where the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn. You turn on the Kosher GPS, to guide you to the kollel. You close your eyes while you drive, for perhaps, you may see a woman on the street. You rely solely on your GPS, to tell you when to turn. You walk into the kollel, and put on your kosher tefillin (we hope its kosher).

You are done shachris. You begin to do, whatever it is you do in kollel, which is nothing. You pull out your kosher phone and start talking to people on it. You wonder, "Could you do anything else with a phone besides talk"? You think "surely not; otherwise, in our advanced society, it would be done". You go out to smoke. You pull out your box of Badaatz certified cigarettes, and enjoy this wonderful life you have.

A person comes over to you. He offers a shidduch, for your daughter. You ask all these weird questions. After you are finished, you decide he is a good match. You reasons to this are; He wants to be supported by me who can hardly support himself, and two, he is a complete copy. of all the other guys around, he must be good.

You are late for the afternoon Hock. You rush, as to not miss all the gossip. You hear in a distance "did you hear what happened to Baruch Chaim's wife? It turns out she got lynched, for being on the wrong side of the street". Next guy says, "That's a shame, its his second wife this week". You pipe in "Yep, well women have to know better". Then a guy says "Did you see what YWN wrote?" You all inquire about, what exactly YWN is. This guy tells you, "Do you have the net". You answer "A fishing net?" "No no no", says the guy "I mean the Internet". You then all learn all about the Internet.

All of a sudden, you are thrown into a vortex of thought. All the things you knew about your life, are flushed down the drain of reality. You ask this person to "hand you the net". He realizes you don't get what it really is. He shows you everything. You were shocked when you found out that, there are actually other civilizations, and not too far away.

You go home. You have a talk with your wife. She says she doesn't believe you. You begin to fight with yourself. "why did my community withhold this knowledge from me? Did they think they cant trust me?" and then "Well I like the fact that, my community cares about me". A bolt of insight hits you. Your phone really can do more than just talk, and why is it that you cant have more money? Also you want to choose your own lifestyle and not be born into one.

You decide, that's it, you are going off the derech. You leave you community (your wife and family didn't come along). You are driving out of town, Wait! there are no roads to out of town, or so says your GPS. You decide to look up when you drive now (a sin that in your old community deserved lynching). You are heading out of town. You find a new community that allows you to have choice. Back in your old place. Your wife and family, are being excluded from the community. If this family can produce such a heretic, then they all don't belong in the community.Oh, and that shidduch you made isn't going to work out.

You finally wake up, from this awful dream you had. You thank G-d that you live in a world, where you can choose the way you wish to serve g-d, and walk on any side of the street you want. You say "Thank g-d I am not (charedi) born into that.

16 people gave their 2 cents:

Anonymous said...

good for you for being a mensch and giving someone else your bus seat. The world needs more of that, and less rudeness.

Mikeinmidwood said...

Amen to that.

Ookamikun said...

I wonder how long it's gonna take for charedi stores to put up signs "no dogs or MO allowed"

Anonymous said...

Thank G-d I can be MO. I might've considered being chareidi at one point but I cannot, will not, wear stockings all summer, everywhere. So that's that. It's really unbelievable that even when you cover all your hair and elbows and wear decent skirts you're still MO, but I've made peace w/ that and even embraced it.

Mikeinmidwood said...


After No dogs and no sheitels.


If you claim to be not MO, than you are not.

Anonymous said...

I think I claimed that I am MO and I'm happy about it. It's just that years ago, MO did not include hair covering and tznius and separate swimming all that. Now, you can do all tht and still be considered MO.

Anonymous said...

i like your site

Mikeinmidwood said...


You have fallen into the category of, Modern Orthodox Machmir. Its just like modern orthodox, but with a few additions.

Mikeinmidwood said...

Chaya Beth

Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

So how do you find "Off The Derech" on a GPS? Would it be under "Points of Interest"?

Mikeinmidwood said...

Frum Punk

Lol. You comment rarely, but when you do, its always funny.

frum single female said...

this could be like a frum version of "its a wonderful life"!!!

frumskeptic said...

love the post! :)

Mikeinmidwood said...

Frum Single Female

It could.

Frum Skeptic

Thought you would.

Jewish Side of Babysitter said...

That was funny. I liked the beginning paragraph about the alarm clock.

and Frum Punk that was funny!

It's actually funny, reading about the internet stuff, I'm so the opposite that it's scary. After the India attack, my father said they had attached 4 sites, so I asked hime "Which websites?" not realizing that it was actual building sites. Cause I knew Chabad site was down at that time, so I had automatically assumed it was other websites.

Mikeinmidwood said...


The truth is, there are people out there, that really dont know.