You rush home to light the holy menorah. As you are passing a house, you see a Kenorah being lit. You laugh at the cheap imitation of your holiday. You wonder if they believe in Kenya Kwanzaa (He lives on mount Kilimanjaro), like you believe in Chanukah Chaim (or is it Elijah the Prophet, various different opinions in the Talmud). You come home to a house decorated, with only the most Hanukkah spirited items, such as (only paper ornaments made by kids in kindergarten); dreidels, a bubby making latkes, menorah's, and snow flakes shaped like Magen Davids.
You come to the front window, to light the Holy Menorah. You didn't prepare the Menorahs, nor did your wife. I guess she trusted the kids to not make a mess with all the oil. You say to yourself, " Its okay if they don't know how to pour, and they made a mess everywhere. In fact the oil is good for their hands, it acts as a moisturizer". You start off the first Bracha, having in mind every segula, with the most kavanah possible. The same goes with your second Bracha. You hand out the candle for everyone else to light, even your daughters light (actually this is a question if they should light, some even hold they cant).
You finish Maos Tzor, and you notice that across the street is a christian home. They have all those lights and trees, you shed a tear, crying to G-d, "why did I have to see this" (if you didn't get it by now, you are extremely frum, (why am I telling you this?, you should know y0u are frum)). Your wife tells you that, something looks like a fire hazard. You quickly object with "Hashem would never let such a great mitzvah, come back to haunt us". Your wife, being just as frum as you, agrees to this.
As you were discussing this matter, your daughters hair caught on fire, while examining her menorah. This happened through a candle (children have candles, you have the oil) falling out of its holder, because of bad positioning on your children's part (they set it up). Not only that, but the fact that your children spilled oil everywhere, the fire caught on. Your daughter screams her hair is on fire, You do not believe such nonsense, for how could G-d do this to you. Most of her hair burns off. The house is now in flames. The smoke detector starts to beep. After much thought, you decide its time to call Hatzaloh. You run outside, as your house looks like it could burn for the next 8 days. You ask your daughter, who gave her such a nasty haircut, and has she been smoking?
So all your great decorations go to waste. You begin to lament, how could G-d do this to you? what will become of your decorations? Suddenly you feel that famous inspiration coming, yes it has struck once again. You jump and say " It was my Goyish neighbor, who started the fire. He must have been jealous of my great decorations and festival of lights". The cops come over to you, for a report on what happened. You tell them, you are sure its the Goy across the street, with all those lights, who started it. You begin to sing Gam Zu Letova; you just remembered the insurance will kick in, and pay for everything. "G-d works in such mysterious ways" you say. You thank G-d and make a Shehechiyanu, one that you didn't make because it wasn't the 1st night.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008