BUT ITS KOSHER

We all know to keep ourselves clean, and to protect ourselves from catching this virus called the swine flu. Even though this is a major problem and concern for everyone, a member of the knesset, who was chareidi, decided to first let you know that you shouldn't call it "swine flu" because swine means pig and pigs aren't kosher, before he said what we should do to protect ourselves; and instead let everyone know he decided to call it the Mexico flu, because that's so much better.

This so called problem of naming something after something that's not kosher, is just too weird, so its not kosher, but its not like we are eating the non kosher item by calling it that name, nor will we be tempted to eat non-kosher just because it has the same name. This problem does not only exist in this case, there has been times where I heard people complaining about animal crackers. Yes, animal crackers that are shaped as horses, or rabbits, maybe a lion and a bear, were scrutinized for being non kosher animals, even though the product was kosher. These people were afraid that we are teaching kids to eat non kosher animals, I think Peta has a better claim than them, teaching kids to kill animals through biting off their limbs, there is more of a chance of that than eating real non-kosher animals.

Ill end this with one question for those people out there who are afraid to name things after non kosher items, "Weren't the shivatim compared to lions, wolves, snakes, donkeys, and those aren't kosher animals?". I seem to think the question answers are problem, and there is no need to be afraid, for whatever reason. So instead, get up there and tell us how to protect ourselves, not how to be more stringent.

SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE, I CANT SOLVE THAT PHRASE

We are warned about the shidduch crisis, and all it creates, everyday; whether it be from the yated or mishpachah, the Jewish press, or even our very own Frum Single Female. How many people think they have an answer to it? raise you hands (or press shift on your keyboard 5 times). Well if you are raising your hand or pressed shift 5 times, you made a big mistake (raising your hand is stupid because no one can see through your computer screen, and pressing you shift key that many times will show a sign on your monitor asking you if you want sticky keys).

Reason number one why you made a mistake: The shidduch crisis is based on people. People are human if you didn't know, and humans make mistakes. People make mistakes thinking that, someone who thinks slightly different then them is completely out of the question, and not even worth checking out to see if its a potential marriage. Of course this, as any other human perspective, evolved, it grew from the fact that shadchanim exist. Shadchanim are simply people who tried to fit everyone in a box, if you don't fit into the box you are outside the box, and not worthy enough to be set up with people on the inside of it, simple enough. But the idea expanded, not only did they just make a box, they made it really hard to get into, the slightest of "deficiencies" is going to get you kicked out; if you were once a yeshivah rebel, or you wear blue shirts, or maybe you work, or you have plastic at the shabbos table, if you're a girl you may be to smart, whatever the case maybe your out. Then the idea grew so big it became a crisis within itself, like an epidemic that started out as a flu vaccination, it wasn't originally meant to harm, now everyone is judging who's in this box and in one of three other boxes with every glance, its not just shadchanim. How do you stop an evolving crisis that cant be killed from its source a.k.a. the shadchan, I don't know.

Answer number 2 why you made a mistake: who wants sticky keys anyway? I like mine nice and clean. You shouldnt have pressed shift 5 times just because I said so, I wouldnt have known if you did either way, but if you really think you do have an answer you can leave a comment with your idea.

So the answer is, SOLVING THE UNSOLVABLE is not possible, its to complicated and is therefore unsolvable, because if it were to be solved it wouldnt be unsolvable.

KOSHER SITE?

Have you noticed the ads on Vos Iz Neias? lets just say they are getting worse. First it was anti-Zionism and now its pritzus (see where anti-Zionism leads you?). Do you know how many frum Jews visit vos iz neias just to get their news? and they don't want pritzus; that's one reason why they read that site. They don't want to hear 1010 wins, that's not Jewish, and they don't want to read Yeshivah world, because they have biased opinions (that's right it ain't news, its opinions). These people are being exposing others to what they really wanted to filter out, that's hypocritical, they aren't even doing anything about it. I wonder if koshernet will allow you to go to the site now?

I think that their will be an outburst, and a ban on VIN; this will then push frummies to say, "If a kosher site had pritzus, than any can" and that will be it for every kosher site (how will frummies get their news?). I believe this ban will happen in a few months, so watch out.

WERE SO BAD WE MADE THE NEWS

Okay maybe not international news, or even national news, but since most Jews live in the tri-state area, we made it there; because vos iz neias wrote about it and Jews read vos iz neias (yes we only made vos iz neias that's how bad we are, its still news). You do know that in Brooklyn its almost impossible to park, we as Brooklynites will fight tooth and nail for our spots. Many a times we have to fend off bad neighbors who try to save spots, or take up two spaces with one car, either way its a nightmare here in Brooklyn. Well you can congratulate yourselves now that we finally made the news with this daily occurrence, a guy fought (with hands and feet, not tooth and nail like the rest of us) for a parking space and then was arrested for it. Some will say "hey it was bound to happen sooner or later", others will say "Why fight over a parking spot, I just double park". But do you really want to be known as the borough of bad parking? then we got to get our act together and be more considerate of others.

It may seem from the last few sentences that I am calling on everyone to make a difference in Brooklyn, but I know better than that, people will never be more considerate just because I am calling for it, especially in Brooklyn.

A.K.A. PELLA

I was passing a car stopped at a red light. The windows were rolled down on this SUV, and Jewish music was blasting from its black exterior. I noticed a Jew in the front seat (seems obvious). Then I thought "hey its sefira he shouldn't be playing that". I could have thought he holds of the second half, but instead I didn't. I tried to think of how this could tie into a post; why is he breaking sefira with Jewish music? if you really were going that far, listen to non-Jewish, or worse Lipa (you don't hear them banning non-Jewish concerts).

After a while (or 3 hours), I was in my friends car blasting music down the road, to one of the A.K.A PELLA CDs. Then I understood what that first guy was listening to, and dropped the post. I must admit they do a great job with their music, it sounds really good, and perfect for sefirah. They have some of your favorite knock offs, Lecha was done well. Its a Sefira CD for people who don't like Sefira, so go and buy it.

STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF PEOPLE WILL THINK YOURE ON BLUETOOTH

The one thing I never want to be called is, a person who shops while on a bluetooth or a cellphone. I find these people to be the ones who forgot the list of items to buy, and therefore have to phone home to get it. I don't want to be named the list forgetter. This is why I don't want to use a cellphone while shopping. So then why not use bluetooth? no one will see or notice it, and that, I answer, is precisely the problem, as seen in this example:

You are looking for a certain type of tomato sauce while talking to your spouse, there is a person right next to you who is also looking for tomato sauce, but without a wireless device. You then proceed to say to your spouse, "What you want isn't here", the person next to you asks while wondering why you said that "how do you know?" You then say to your spouse "Honey are you sure they had it last time?", the person next to you responds "Well yes, and why did you call me honey?", You then say to your spouse "Its not here now, they must have run out", and then the person next to you is bewildered. "Excuse me" they say "that makes no sense, because they had it last time, they must have ran out of it this time? you don't even know what I am looking for!". You then move to another isle, and the person you left behind, who was next to you, thinks your crazy. I don't want to be thought of as crazy.

There is another way people used to think you were crazy, and that would be if you talked to yourself. If people don't see the small bluetooth, they will think you are talking to yourself and you are deemed crazy. But now that people will think you are on bluetooth, because its common, they will know you aren't crazy. Which brings me to the title of this post "Stop talking to yourself people will think you're on bluetooth". As I mentioned above, I don't want to be deemed a list forgetter, and if I talk to myself people will think I am on bluetooth, which means I forgot the list of items to buy, I dont want people to think that of me.

So people, don't talk to yourself while shopping, you might be called a list forgetter. See what a twisted world we live in.

KADDISH RACES

Have you ever been in shul, and heard the kaddish after aleinu (some places before aleinu)? Have you ever heard women saying kaddish (I did)? These are just quetions, heres the post on kaddish.

Some places you have only one guy who is saying kaddish, very easy to follow the guy. Only problems that might occur are; him going really really slowly, which is always annoying because you want to get out of there quickly.

Then there are a few people saying kaddish, most of the time its synchronized, and they do it well; this usually happens in younger, more yeshivish type, minyanim. If you ever go to a young Israel type shul, especially ones with a lot of old people, there will be many people saying kaddish and at different paces. One guy is the speedster, before you say your first amen he is at "yihei shemei rabah". The next guy is average. Then there is the guy who cant seem to go any slower; for some reason these guys like to say it real low to themselves. With all the kaddish readers going at different paces, you tend to lose what amen your holding on, because the guy next to you is saying amen, the other is saying "brich hu" and another is already leaving shul. Then this always happens; everyone is about to leave, thinking everyone is done, and then pipe up the few people able to hear the slow guy, calling everyone back.

Kaddish many times becomes a race to see who can go the fastest. Trying to go really fast brings the stuttering, skipping of words or just mumbling it through. One time I heard a real funny kaddish, it was as if the guy was talking to everyone, and we so to say were nodding our heads at him with an amen at whatever he said.

Tell us your kaddish experiences, we would love to hear.

BLOGAVERSARY

Today is a milestone in my blogging career, its been a whole year. Time for a recap.

April 14 08: I wrote about the shidduch crisis, maybe I should have introduced myself. I took a trip before Pesach, and had pizza five nights in a row (yuck), this year I didnt have pizza five nights in a row.

May: This month I had some good posts. Yeshivah a sanitary environment one of my best posts to date. Hear I talk about Jewish geography our national pastime, beware of memory enhancing drugs.

June: This is a post I thought got very little publicity and its one of my better posts; Kiddush is being nice a good thing. Some of my favorite posts are from the label "You"; which basically puts you in as the main charachter. Also in this month, I discussed what Pomegranate is going to be, well now we know its a supermarket, but we didnt then.

July: I went to Israel, I posted the pictures recently.

August: I wrote about the series of Shul Politics. I also got my first Troll, he was spewing comments all over the place, but handyman moshe scared him off........ with an ip adresss blocker. Because of the troll I got my first over 100 comment post on a haveil haveilim (I shouldnt call those posts that).

September: I dont want to know what happens if the OU goes corrupt. Yeshivah high school drop outs, thats where Frum skeptic and Babysitter go at it on there perspective of a jewish life.

I did a whole review on sufaganiot from all around brooklyn. Me and Child Ish hit up 8 bakeries in boro park in this post. In this post I make a mock Frummie presidential debate, went really well.

November: Obama was elected and I wrote this. Parking in brooklyn Ah chutzpah was also a nice one about bad driving. November had a lot of good posts, I suggest you read them.

December was the month with the most posts. I wrote the next haveil havalim If they had a blog. Go green with chanukah was a good one. Never had any atheist comment on my blog till I wrote this "Why be an atheist", I was practicly asking for it.

In January I wrote about my annoying neighbors. Israel went to war with gaza. I hit 10,000 visitors on January 28th. Also wrote about what you do during chazaras hashatz.

February: Was a month were I had a recession, only 14 posts. Black history month was a post about the color black and how the jews love it. I believe that was my favorite of the month.

March was a pre purim and pesach month of posts. And then we hit today in april, one full year.Thanks you all for keeping this site great. Time for my confetti.
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MY SUMMER VACATION PIX (a "little" late)

I was actually planning on posting the picks from my trip to Israel along time ago, too bad. You know how you have a digital camera that stores 1000 pictures, (actually the memory card) and you never have them developed, well I think I have that problem. But thanks to Snapfish.com things are going easier, and I can load them onto my computer from there. And without wasting anymore letters, The pictures.This was the turtle we found, its eating cucumber peels. I loved holding it from its shell and flying it around, like a kid with a toy airplane, then it would scratch me and I'd put it down, ahhh memories. (This was taken with a digital camera with optional [optical] zoom) My favorite landmark, and yet most of Jerusalem thinks of it as useless, the Gesher (bridge). Oddly shaped, and meant to have the newly installed monorail run on it. I love it, and everyone else think its out of place. Here's more pictures of the Gesher, from on the bus 99, at every angle. (Taken with a digital camera, on very low battery)(New picture) A nice picture of Jerusalem. If you can see, there is a road smack in the middle of this picture with two city buses (autobusim), that road is usually backed up for miles with city buses waiting to get into the kotel. This picture is either from on mount Scopus (har hatzofim), or is a picture of mount Scopus, where that big building is (I think its a church).

You see that little building through the gates, I believe that is called the hand of avshalom. The story goes that Avshalom, the son of king David, made this little thing with a hand on it, for what reasons I don't know. In the back of this picture is Har hazeisim (mount of olives).

See that little cave in there, it has something to do with the prophet Daniel. Did he hide the tzadikim in there?The mount of Olives; shouldn't it be called the mount of graves?You must know what this is, there are so many picture of this and so many puzzles with this in it, it Migdal David. I was actually debating if I need a picture of this, camera was on low battery, in the end I did as you can see.

In the lower half of this picture is a soccer stadium, Beitar v'Yerushalaim (team name) play there.

And this is the crazy house itself, The Knesset.

This is the holocaust memorial center, also known as Yad V'shem. I could have gotten a better picture, but too bad.
This one of the rarest birds around, and I cant believe I actually got a shot of it standing still, I think I did a great job with just a digital camera. Okay I was kidding there, I think its a stupid, but very well taken, picture of a bird by my brother.

PESACH IS HERE

Pesach is here folks, more than a week with out anything that tastes good. Everyone probably stocked up on those Haggadah (name of company) treats. They are mad expensive, 6 bucks for a one of them, ripoffs, and that's besides the fact that they don't taste good. Don't forget the Bulk/Lady/baby/plain old fingers, got to have tons of those. After Pesach well all run to the nearest pizza store for some good ol' chametz (does anyone know how much pizza time is selling the first slice?). And then its over, all the chaos, all the cleaning, all for 8 day, and it goes just like that (snap).

Wishing everyone a Happy and Easy (you know how people say have an easy fast, well Pesach isn't any easier) Pesach.

BIRKAT HACHAMAH

5:30 In the morning, I didn't think I would be up this early today, cant even see a ray of sunshine to say that birkat hachamah. The thing about the blessing of the sun, which I am waiting for now, is that all you have to say is one simple brachah; and yet, every pamphlet I got in the mail, or found from Chabad, or Oorah had something they always stretch it out, and none of them have the same way to stretch it out with. For example, in one says a halelukah first, and the other has some sort of Tehillim, or another has what the sun would say to Hashem from perek shirah; its not consistent, why they trying to put on us new minhagim? 28 years later you'll probably do it different, because you'll have a different pamphlet anyway. (beginning to see some light outside).

Sorry I don't know too much about why we say it every 28 years, something about the sun in a 364 plus 6 hour cycle messes it up every year, but I'm pretty sure you can google it.

Well I think people shouldn't get so worked up about saying it, Chabad in Philadelphia is going to say it from the Franklin Institute observatory (kinda cool), but its only one Brachah.

WERE GOING OVERBOARD.

This product claims to make things chametz free, because that's its name "chametz free". It uses plastic covers for door handles, faucets, cabinets, and anything else that has handles. As you can see on your picture to the right on the bottom, there is a doorknob with a cover on it, as I said before it claims to make things chametz free. Now why would you need to have your doorknobs chametz free?!!!!!!........ ! Your cabinets I can barely understand, and thats if they are in the kitchen. Faucets I don't understand, at all, because you can kosher a metal faucet, and its normal to do so. So why do you need them? the answer is, you don't, that's right you don't. Its all a conspiracy to get people to buy these stupid products, and this wasn't even made by Kosher Innovations. And that's bad, because now you will have two stupid companies fighting to come up with even stupider inventions, and us, the people will have to buy them because we may not be frum enough with out it. And it will all end up with a shadchan asking if you put covers on your doorknobs for Pesach, to determine if you are holy enough to be dealt with.

Yes we are going overboard, and somebody save us.

YOUR PESACH CLEANING

Ever since Chanukah you haven't stopped scrubbing. You started with your attic, and then went straight towards the basement. By Purim you already had matzoh ready to give to shaloch manot, because you were afraid to have chametz. You also made sure not to accept any shaloch manot, for fear of any chametz residue. Now with a few days left to Pesach, you cant seem to find anything else to clean, but you keep going around searching with a spoon a feather and a candle..... that runs on a extremely powerful battery to produce a very strong light, every single day, who cares if everyone else only does that the night before.

Today, you have cleaned everything in you house, and yesterday...... and the day before. You have been so far removed from the purpose of getting rid of chametz; that you are getting rid of anything that will remotely make a mess, even the matzoh meal you have is to be taken with caution. You have become one with OCD, or a smaller version of Pesach syndrome (Pesach syndrome also involves crazy shopping attitudes, and weird minhagim like not eating anything that touched anything that was once a liquid for fear of it making your food gebrukts [which is only a fear of it having some flour not baked that you still have to wait 18 minutes for it to become chametz]).

You have cleaned, you have finished, nothing got in your way, and there is still a few hours now till Pesach. Wait, go back a few words "nothing got in your way", now how did that happen? you think to yourself. You then remember, YOU HAVE KIDS!!! You didn't prepare for this.

1,2,3,4 kids step into your house running amok, nope, now 5,6,7 and their all yours. They are spreading dirt all over the place, with their muddy shoes, or was it dog doo? You start going crazy, not knowing where to start to stop this. You try getting hold of all the kids, you line up which ever ones you can catch. You count ".....3,4,5 wheres 6 and 7?" you say. You turn around and 6 and 7 are assembling a chametz bomb. "Oh no" you scream. "Don't set that off...... how did you get that? what does it do?" you say. They reply "its a chametz bomb we leftover from Purim and we need to get rid of it before Pesach". "No way" you say "I cleaned the whole house for months now, don't make it all go to waste with a few hours to Pesach". Boom!! you are okay, but the chametz bomb did some serious damage to your house leaving pieces of bread, and leavened dough, stuck everywhere in your house. 6 and 7 are covered in chametz.

You quickly gather everyone in your family, as a stroke of genius falls upon you. You are going to sell the house to a goy and go somewhere for Pesach, in the few short hours you have left, just so you can avoid all the cleaning (how convenient). You, the seven children and spouse, are going to have a worry free Pesach after all, which begs the question, why not do this in the first place?

TODAY

Today is 354 days since I started blogging, or one whole Jewish/lunar/muslim year, or 9Th of Nissan. Although the real celebration will be on Tuesday, the Gregorian year blogaversary, I have made it one whole year, which ever one it is. At first I didn't think I would make a 100 posts by the time I got o a year, but now I see Ive done so much more. By the way all my posts were in the name of humor, or crazy retarded things, just for peoples entertainment, that means you guys.

AL SHADCHAN

The crowd quiets down, the MC(master of ceremonies) comes up to the microphone, as the lights dim on the crowd. "Tonight" he says "we are going to have a guest speaker. He is known throughout all the world. He is extremely nosy, and takes everything very personally. He is known to make speeches all the time, on every little thing that the community has problems with. Tonight he is speaking on the shidduch crisis. Introducing Al Shadchan!" (spoof on Al Sharpton).


Al takes to the podium. "Ahem, many things wrong with this community, people aren't going on shidduch dates. By all means, we should be trying to do everything we can possible to put an end to this crisis.... or it will be an unstoppable crisis. I believe that everyone has to do their part. Everyone should be calling friends and family to make things progress. To defeat a crisis, we must act against the crisis, by all means necessary..........."


1 hour later, and Al is still going on. The crowd seems to be wary of his speech.

"I believe that many people are affected by outside forces, which are known as goyim too many of you. They get married at 25, and think its okay. Now Is not saying that they are wrong, only that they have no concept of what they should do. Many of you have been influenced by the scum Ive said before. You think that looks and dress are what makes a person, or the fact that they are "outside the box" makes them not acceptable enough to go out with. But I say you are wrong, be ashamed. I have a dream ( I know that's MLKJ's line, but did you notice that Sharpton copies him tremendously?) that Bochurim and fresh from seminary girls, will go out on a shidduch just because they are who they are, let the segregation end..... once they reach the parshah. Ive dealt with many who, as they say, aren't sure about things. I say to that, if they have asked all the questions to me and to your parents, and they have white (yes, Al shadchan is white) tablecloth, there is no reason not see the other side".


One more hour later and he is still going, the crowd seems to be hearing the same thing over and over. Some even think he said this same speech, just changed the subject, to Dov Israelish (the Jewish equivalent to Don Imus).


And last, I think that we should all stand together, and fight for our community when eva' a crisis hits. We are the chosen nation, we will come forth, B'ezras Hashem".


The crowd cheers at the end, because its the end. MC talking now "That will be it for tonight, as we would have had 3 more speakers (sigh), but due to the time we just cant. Thank you and good night".

IS IT TRUE

Does anyone believe that story of the talking fish in new square? You know the one that happened quite a few years ago and everyone was going crazy about. I think too many parables about talking fish have gotten to their heads, dontcha think? If I am not mistaken the fish talked about Messiah (of course). I don't see how the story could have gotten that big, if I told that over to someone, they would think I'm joking or think I'm crazy. Well, do you believe this story or not, and would you eat this fish if you saw it talking?