EXPERIENCING JERUSALEM PART 1

You have finally made it to the Holy land, years of saving enough money have lead you here. You got off the plane and are looking for a sheirut (an israeli style taxi, not to be confused with sheirutim which means bathroom, you stupid American [did that joke come on too harsh?]) heading to Jerusalem. You aren't carrying as much luggage as you started with from America, due to a fight with another guy over who the suitcase belongs to, and you lost.

You tell the driver of the sheirut he must drive as quickly as possible, because you have no time to lose in your busy life. You then retract your statement because you notice, you don't want to lose your busy life. You are now shivering in your pants because the taxi driver was an authentic Israeli, and says he "knows" how to drive fast...... in bumper to bumper traffic. You finally make it out of the roller coaster, and truly believe the well known joke between a rabbi and taxi driver in heaven, whose punchline is: all Israeli taxi drivers go to heaven, because they make people pray to g-d.

You find hotel a to stop at and to unpack. You decide that since there is enough time in the day you will go to the Kotel and daven mincha. You take a #2 bus up to the WW (western wall) and you immediately rip your shirt upon seeing the holy site, you get looks from everyone around you, then you remember its not your minhag to rip your clothing when you see it; also, you ripped off all your buttons so your shirt doesn't close, exposing you tzitzis (Huh!), you feel stupid now. You pray your mincha, and are now heading back to the hotel while holding your shirt together with one clenched fist. Someone sticks out their hand, filled with some new Israeli shekalim, you look at your tattered shirt and then say to him "ani lo oni" (I am not poor) in your heavy American accent. The guy laughs at you and really wants you to take it from him, you walk on.

You get back on the #2 bus heading to the hotel. As you are about to sit down you are given a look from some guy in a black hat.... then a few people turn around. You wonder whats going on, while people begin to point at you, "Is it because I come from a country of cheesburgers and Im not fat?" you ponder, "or is it the ripped shirt?" as you begin to feel the affects of jet lag on yourself. You doze off and your shirt opens up once again, exposing your holy tzitzis. A Haredi Jew is heading towards you, loud whispers can be heard throughout the bus. Then he hits you squarely on the cheek, waking you up. As you are in a state of shock, he throws you from your seat. He screams at you in hebrew, "Why were you sleeping with your shirt opened, what chutzpah you have", then he says, "and you were sitting next to a women". You get up quickly, so as to not provoke any riots for these riot hungry people, and tell the guy who hit you "slichah" as any good American would do.

You decide on not continuing the ride, for fear that your kippah srugah wont protect you too much longer here. You look to your right and see white buildings built in stone, you look to your left and see the same thing, then you look up a street and then down one and its the same thing everywhere, all white buildings made out of stone, it occurs to you that YOUR LOST! You go trekking all over Jerusalem (little did you know you were doing some peoples favorite hobby, getting a good look at Jerusalem), and have no clue where you are or where to go , the idea that you could have just followed the bus #2 route and found your way flew right over you kippah srugah. You begin to use your half broken Hebrew and hand gestures to find your way, but to no avail.

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Hey fellow bloggers or blogneighbors, this is an ongoing story I hope to write and finish. This is only part one part, two will come in due time.

TREKKING UP TO THE MOUNTAINS

Almost everybody on the block rented a u-haul, stuffed it up, and then traveled to the mountains this week. It was a site to see, parents calling out kids names to see if they left anything behind, trying to figure out how to squish in another suitcase and sheitel, O' it was a blast. Don't think that was the only reason I liked this week. In addition to watching them pack up I also saw them pack out of Brooklyn, which means MORE PARKING!!! spaces! LESS CROWDED SUPERMARKETS!!!

Why am I celebrating so hard? well have you ever tried looking for parking for 45 minutes? or was pissed off that someone took up two spots instead of one? or have someone blocking your driveway for a "minute"? Do you like the double parking on Coney Island ave.? my answer is no, and that is why I am so happy.

Have you ever walked into Moishe's discount supermarket with a pushcart, and tried to maneuver yourself out of one jam only to move into another, its just too crowded there (that's why I like Pomegranate better, but I don't go there often, its expensive). And forget about Thursday nights, its complete havoc in there. What I hate most are the spaced out bluetooth wearers, they just yap away about whatever and it can take a while before they realize they are in your way. Ooh and some are so stuck up, looking to see which is a better tomato sauce, pick one already and stop blocking the aisle.

But that is all over, those extra crowded supermarkets are gonna be upstate where I ain't, and parking will be a breeze, thank g-d for this wonderful idea of a summer retreat.

A NEW BREED ARISES (evolution?)

The creature named Shul Shusher (or in Latin Synagogue Shushisis) is a staple in every shul, from big ones in Manhattan to the small basement shtiebel in Monsey. The shusher doesn't always accomplish their self imposed job, hence they keep on shushing. The life of a shusher is not a fun one, everyone hates you till you let them talk, even the kids hate you (just let them run in the halls will you), plus you seem to spit to often. But in some shuls there is a new type of shusher arising.

This new type of shusher, a more rowdy type, one that is more inclined throw a punch or two just to get you to shut up, is what we are dealing with. They are called the SHHHH I'm Trying To Talk To Someone Shusher, or SITTTTSS for short (the Latin name hasn't come in yet). These creatures love talking so much they make others quiet down so they can hear who they are talking to, just goes to show what kind of shuls they live in.

I myself have abandoned a few shuls due to the infestation, animal control isnt helping and Peta wont let me call the exterminator. But there is hope, they are searching for a species that will counteract the new breed and contain it.

Most experts believe the evolution of this once simple shushing creature is due to a mass of talkers concentrated in one area of a shul, thus drowning out any other noise and sometimes their own. This then irritates the talkers causing them to become more violent and turning them into SITTTTSS's. Others argue and claim they are of a totally different breed. A more recent study done by the "professors" at VIN teamed up with "scientists" from YWN , have attributed this new breed to the lack of tznius in the communities. Although there is no evidence to support their claims, VIN and YWN hold to it strongly.

Whatever the cause maybe, I really don't like being threatened by shushers and rather have them just say SHHHHH and spit on themselves while doing it.

YAY HE CAME BACK!! AND NOT JUST TO GET HIS BAGS

I know that many bloggers, after going on vacation, decide to slack off and not write anything else, and then their blogs have a virtual death, but this blogger ain't gonna let that happen! lets all give a big hand to M in M!!!...... anybody?.....anybody? okay fine forget it.... sheesh. I now will be on top of schedule, and I will be visiting your blogs again.

My vacation was great, did you see the place I picked every vacationers dream, total relaxation. I really went on one because I felt burnt out, everything I was writing felt like I had used that style too many times. I also needed more posting material, the bad news is I only thought of 4 posts including this one.

Well its good to be back, and on a side note: two people found my face book account, which I myself forgot existed, I don't like the fact that it keeps telling me I only have two friends so friend me, and I wont feel so pointless.

BLOGCATION

I think I need a blogcation. Like a vacation, a blogcation is a time to relax and harness a lot more posting material. So I'm off (to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of blog, because because because because.......) on my blogcation. Enjoy my archives, and I'll hopefully be back in a week, till then this is what ill be doing.
Yeah, just picture me in there.

GOOSEBUMPS: MY BAR MITZVAH IN PRISON

Yes, we all remember the hit book series I never read, Goosebumps. Goosebumps was a supposed to be a very scary book, but it basically was freaky stories about weird washing machine monsters and changing bodies with a killer santa (okay I read 2). Why do I bring this old book into topic? because it must be a nightmare for the kid whose Bar mitzvah was in a prison, just like the book would write it out. Imagine what the kid is going to remember, a Bar mitzvah in jail with a bunch of convicts waiting next door, all because his father was arrested (who knows why he was arrested), and then your bar mitzvah is published about in the New York times, oh! and Yakkov shwekey famous Jewish singer sang for you (not the bad part). That's a horrible Bar mitzvah ain't it? unless you wanted it to be memorable.

Now there are hilachic issues that come with making a bar mitzvah in jail, and they don't only pertain to chilul hashem. One is the halachah of bringing a Sefer Torah to people in jail, you aren't allowed to even for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah, the reason being that its a disgrace for the Torah to come to you and you not go to it. This can be applied to a Bar mitzvah, the Bar mitzvah shouldn't be brought to someone in jail along with 60 other people, its not respectful. And if that ain't enough, than at the bar mitzvah the one who is being honored (bar mitzvah boy) usually says a D'var Torah which should not be brought to the jail for one person but; rather, the one person should be brought to it. And if for some reason you don't agree with this past paragraph, that I put so much effort into writing (shame on you), then you can always resort to chilul hashem, and it will still be deemed halachicly wrong. This seems like a good question for the rabbi who allowed this, why did you allow it?

Theres your lesson people, don't make a bar mitzvah in jail or you will bashed for every reason possible. People will be calling it despicable, and posts will line every blog about why you aren't you ashamed. And what a nightmare it will be for your son, like straight out of a goosebumps book.

ON PATROL

Today me and my friend took a stroll through boro(ugh) park. We were schmoozing it up, having tons of fun, laughing at chassidish women with 10 children following behind them and over stuffed strollers. Watching chassidim hitch rides across boro(ugh) park. Guessing how many hatzoloh and shomrim members we can identify. Then we looked for a new game, one that was fun an easy to play. We made up a new game called "name the chossid". Basically, whenever you see a chassid, you have to correctly call them "Tuna beigel" or "Yoeli", then you can argue whether they fit the category of tuna beigel or yoeli. Its very easy to identify a TB, if they have a cigarette, or they aren't wearing any black clothing, or they have a ring of useless keys with 400 keys or so, or they came out of a Cadillac Escalade or Chevy Tahoe or even a Lexus. Some where in between both categories and hard to tell what side they leaned towards.

I had a lot of fun and would do it again, it beats any day watching baseball.

DANCING MOVES

You re at a wedding, or some other festive simchah, and you all get up to do the walk-around-in-a-circle-with-hands-together-and-stomping-your-feet-dance. There are always times when the person you are next to is; going too fast for you, is trying to go fast and ends up being wild, or the person put their hands out in a hard way to grab and it make your wrists hurt, so the best idea ever is to put you hands on their shoulders (if they are in front of you), your wrists cant get hurt.
The put your hand on their shoulder move can always work, you can even do the yawn trick and put the hands over the shoulder if you feel weird doing it normally. Its fool proof. What I really like about the shoulder move, is that it comes in handy when a guy has really sweaty hands, say goodbye to slimy and smelly hands thanks to the new move.

My favorite move for if someone is holding my hand from the back like an idiot is, to just let go and keep my hand free, it also protects from sweat and smell.

What are your favorite dancing moves?

P.S. The jumping up and down parts are a real help when your hand is on another guys shoulder, push yourself up from him to get a higher jump.

TWO STATE PLAN

Ever since Clinton there has been the "need" for a two state plan. They invented the road map to make it happen, if you don't know what that is its basically an idea to cut Israels small self in half, to make way for another Muslim nation. Ever since that, Israel is called for talks on how to compensate people who want to kill it, Israel gave in sometimes. The problem is that now that the Palestinians have Gaza, and for quite a while, they still cant run it economically, no matter how much money America sends; and yet they are asking for more territory. (Don't think Israel made them take dessert land and fix it up themselves, Israel left them irrigation and green houses to make the dessert flourish, and they threw that all out).

Now Obama is in charge and is pressing Israel to stop settlements, even the ones that are already in place he wont let grow, so that Israel will give it up to the Palestinians. He is really trying to make this two state plan happen, saying that if there are two different paths that two groups want to take, then they should split and divide, and not one conquer the other. The thing is that America itself didn't do that; during the civil war the north didn't let the south secede from the union, it fought until the south gave in (with comparisons like these I can write for the Jewish press).

Israel shouldn't listen to a country that's being hypocritical? Israel shouldn't give up its own land, just because a terrorist country that cant control itself economically said so? And the worst thing is, Israel is listening anyway.

INNOVATING USELESS KOSHERNESS

We here at Kosher Innovations are working hard for you at every given moment, and are looking to make your kosher life easier. So we introduce to you THE KOSHER LAMP, LIGHT SWITCH COVER tm. This new invention allows to you to feel safe when around your kosher lamp, so you wont come to turn it off. See how we make your life easier.

Also for shabbos, we have a new alarm clock. You have the regular alarms for shachris 1, and shacharis 2, then mincha and ma'ariv; but now we have one new alarm for the musaf service too, to make sure you don't over sleep musaf.


Have you ever felt the need to calculate how much money you owe to your child's yeshiva? Well we are in the middle of mass producing a never before seen pocket computer system, that will be able to instantly calculate how much you owe to the yeshiva. All you have to do is punch in a few numbers from your bill, and how much you paid so far, and it will magically tell you what you owe. All those years of not taking math class, will finally pay off. And if you order right now, then when we start to sell the product, we will give you an extra one, free!, so you can keep track of your other child's tuition bill too!

Kosher Innovations is truly working hard for you.


To donate to this non-profit organization call 1800-Ino-vate, or e-mail us at Kosherinnovaters613@yahoo.com (you cant e-mail us from optimum or dial up, only koshernet will work)

YOU ARE JUDGED BY HOW YOU LOOK, GUEST POST BY CHILD ISH

This is a guest post by Child Ish Behavior. Child Ish is known throughout the Jblogosphere for his astounding work on Social psychology. If you want, you can check out my guest post on his site, where I tackle a topic on social psychology.

If you walk around long enough in the real world you will learn to discriminate. You will learn to make off the cuff impressions of people without even hearing one word out of their mouths. Most of the time, you will be right. The first impression you get from a person is usually the one that rings the truest. It takes a lot to change a first impression; it is way easier to keep the good impression once earned. People are much more likely to overlook the small faults, so long as the original impression of the person is positive in their mind.

The other day I was in the city taking care of business and I noticed how each person dressed a different way. Men, Women, Children- I don’t think I saw one person dressed the same way. It truly astounded me. Each person got up in the morning and decided to put on something unique.

As I continued to observe I noticed that not only were people’s cloths unique for each individual, their facial expressions were unique as well. Each person displayed expressions that were all of their own. While there were some similarities between people, there was the working expression of concentration, the shopping expression of exhilaration, and the bored expression of the commuter nation, in general though, each person exhibited something unique about themselves.

Just by walking down the street, looking at the facial expressions and clothing that the people were wearing, I was able to make on the spot first impressions of all the people I passed. Lazy, zealous, kind, stupid, ambitious, flirty, happy, sad, confident, modest, careless, curious… The list goes on. I was even able to construct little stories about all the people that went by; where they came from, why they came to the city, where they were going- all just from one glance, all from that one first impression.

I don’t know if the story I constructed was the truth, but it remains true in my mind until I know otherwise. Since, I am not likely to pass the same person again, that impression remains with me. I will forever view the people in my mind’s eye based on that one glance.. It is for this reason that people who care about what others think of them pay attention to their outward appearance. While you may not think it is important, and while you may think that it’s what’s inside that counts, people don’t see your inside. All people see is the view you display to the public, and while you may not be able to control what all people think, you can put your best foot forward when it comes to your outward appearance. I cannot tell you how to dress, but I can tell you that you are judged by how you do.

This post is sort of an answer to my post on being judged by others.

DO YOU 613?

Me: "...whats you email address"
Them: "blahblahblah613@yahoo.com"

Why is it that frummies always put in a 613, representing all the commandments, into their email address or IM account? I'm sure you know someone with a 613 at the end of their address. It could be the most random things stuck together with a 613, for example; doughnuts613@gmail.com or a name, Jack613@yahoo.com, or a personality, aidel613 (for an IM account), or even a JewsforJesus613@yahoo.com. I don't know why people pick 613 out of all the special numbers that there are, why not 7 for shabbos, or 8 for a bris, or 3 and 4 for the matriarchs and patriarchs, (yes, I got all the special numbers from the famous passover song).

Do they do it as a heter to be on the Internet? As long as they are reminded of the 613 mitzvos then they can be on the Internet all they want, and the Rabbonim will be so proud of them. Or is it for potential shidduchim? "Hey Chaim, scroll down a little, look a something@613, she has to be in your shidduch range".

Its gotten so far that you can find it in Jewish children's books, where a girl went off the "D" and now has a Gmail account with a 613 at the end (just goes to show you how off the "D" she really was), and then she gets some kiruv from her friends and everyone lives heimishly ever after.

I myself am thinking about changing my email address to mikeinmidwood613@yahoo.com, anyone else want to join?