A FRUM GUIDE TO CHULENT EATING

Do you want to be a more heimishe yid? Well to do that you must know that, heimish means self service, dim lighting and a badly kept beard. But there is one more way to become heimish if you don't grow a beard and own a store in boro park, that secret is CHULENT.

There are five times a week a heimishe yid eats chulent (write this down); Thursday night, Friday day, Friday night, shabbos and Sunday. Thursday is a big night for chulent. In Monsey they have something called "Chulent stations", every chassid goes to the gas station and eats chulent there. Why do they sell chulent at a gas station? In Brooklyn we have Deli 52 with their chulent special, Lipa hangs out there. There are many other places that line 13 to 18 avenue that sell chulent, and the opened a Chulent station somewhere in boro park, all this on Thursday.

On Friday a heimishe yid eats chulent while going to the mikvah before shabbos, just a bunch of people sitting around with a bowl of chulent, no wonder you women have a more sanitary mikvohs. On Friday night its shabbos already, so chulent is a given. On a shabbos day a real yid can have chulent up to 3 times and more; once for kiddush after shul, another for the meal, and once again after waking up from his shabbos nap. Then comes the last time during the week, Sunday, where you eat all the leftovers of shabbos.

So if you want to be heimish, go ahead, stuff your face, eat till your sick, add all the kishkeh you can, chulent is your answer; unless you rather buy a store in Borough park and go for the self service and dim lighting.

DID YOU FINISH YOUR DIET

Pesach was a long time ago, giving you enough time to diet. Back when I was in kindergarten they made us make charts, with 49 day on it and every 7 days was a different color, I can only think that it was a healthy chart, or a diet one, where every color reprsented a fruit. The end of the chart was on top of a mountain, of which i can only think represented success, and there was a figure that had two sides and a round top on it, that must have been the award for losing the weight.

Recently it has become a new phenomenon, everybody is counting these 49 days, every day losing another pound. There are a few people I know who got out and didn't count anymore, obviously they couldn't take the 49 day diet. I can see why people would go on a diet; its after pesach where you ate tons of matzoh, you have some healthy foods at the seder (maror, karpas), but the rest is loaded with calories , so you go on a diet for 49 days. That's besides the fact its right before the summer.

After you finish the diet you can relax and enjoy yourself, with some mouth watering cheesecake, that with every bite you take into it you can feel your blood clotting and your stomach widen, and you can put cherries or any other type of sugary filling on it so you don't feel guilty eating it. Enjoy your Shavous.

POP GOES THE FRUMMIE

Is it just me, or did most frum girls decide to place a bump in their hair? I don't get it why would someone want to place a bump in their hair? I can see wanting to make your hair long, curly, straight, short, tie it up in a knot, use a clip, shave your head bald, but a bump is just weird. Besides the fact that it doesn't look good to begin with, what made frum girls decide to bump up their hair. Is there a ban on hair longer than 2 feet and they just bunch it up instead? or (chas v'shalom) its a real style? Can someone please explain.

DID THE TABLES TURN OR DID I JUST SWITCH SIDES?

For a little over a year strawberries have been banned, due to infestation. I have always liked strawberries, but now I have to eat their cousins the kiwi, who is not as good. The strawberry saw itself drop from the markets, no more shmorgs with the strawberry salads, no more weddings with strawberries going untouched, the strawberry era had died.

That was until recently, when an unlocal Israeli rabbi supposedly lifted the ban. I was shocked, "are the tables turning" I thought to myself "could it be that after 7 years of chumros, will come the 7 years of heterim?" I dreamt. Then VIN interpreted the Rabbis words. The Rabbi meant that, if there were worms that were invisible to the naked eye then you can eat the strawberry (then yosef was appointed to viceroy). Who in the world makes a mistake between visible worms and invisible worms! and if the worms are visible youre still not allowed to eat them, no matter what the rabbi says. Im not getting how someone can make such a mistake.

So when I thought the tables had turned, they didn't, and I was only fooled that they did, it was an optical illusion (or they turned invisible who really knows?). Well, now I cant wait for the next chumrah (Yaakov please come and end this 5 years early).

BIBI HAS A WAY WITH WORDS

One thing I like about Israels political system is that, in one government you can have two sides of the spectrum representing one side, kinda fun. It works in politics like a wonder, for example: Israel went to talk to Obama on the peace process. Israeli defense minister, Barak, said Israel is on the road to the road map, because he is more towards the left he wants to give away land. But in reality, the Prime minister is Bibi Netanyahu who is from a different side of the spectrum, he gave Obama a whole different story, how he handled it was, from my point of view, amazing (more on that later).

This is why it works wonders; with Ehud barak and the labor party, Israel gives off the sense that they are willing to comply, which in turn makes every lefty happy. Then comes the real side, the one that works the system, Bibi and the likud party, and it does the opposite of what was said is going to happen by the labor party. In the end Israel is still the same, and the world thinks we just need more talks.

But how did Bibi manage to avoid doing what his government said he would do? The answer to that is strategic talking. No, this strategy doesn't take the greatest minds to think of, or weeks of training to use it at the right times in a conversation. What Bibi did was, he made a fall back, when ever Obama or someone would ask about how Israel is going to make the road map, he simply made a statement that his country is being threatened by Iran, and that there are bigger issues at hand. In the end Bibi made no commitment to Obama on a time he will withdraw, or a withdrawal at all, and Obama made a time that he will have to take big action on Iran. Bibi then flattered Obama saying that, Obama you are great leader, and that I am speaking on behalf of all of Israel. Truly a great and simple strategy to win the war of words, dontch ya think?

This is why I love the Israeli political spectrum, tons of talk and a good stiff neck to go with it.

IF YOU COME TO VISIT

If you come to visit this web page, please use anything but Internet explorer browser. It has been causing major problems all over blogger, so I suggest either Mozilla fire fox, or the new chrome from google. Chrome seems to be working for me.

The sign that comes up says my web page is "aborted". Why use the term aborted, I certainly don't like abortions (republican here), and if its done, its the woman's choice. Here I am a man, and my precious site, which I have taken care of for almost a year, just got aborted against my will, where is my choice? Then I visited The Jewish side of babysitter, and her site got aborted too (I feel so sorry for you babysitter, I know how it feels).

I think its a virus running around blogger, kinda like the swine flu, and it will get you soon, so you better prepare. I am afraid it might mutate, because right now its only affecting Internet explorer, who knows what it could do later. It could be a conspiracy by the yeshivish velt, who's trying to wipe out the Jews of the blogsphere, in an attempt to get all Jews to stop using the Internet.

Whatever it may be, use an Internet that is safe, so the site you are visiting doesn't get aborted.

ECONOMY OR OBAMA

We all have remember paying 4$ a gallon for gas, unless you have Alzheimer's, that was last year. This year the prices dropped to 1.79, which I thought was amazing, our lowest prices in 7 years. Then it started going up around January, and since then has jumped 70 cents. Are we on our way up again? maybe even passed the 4 dollar mark? I hope not.

What is the reason for the price going up recently, well before that, we really need to know why it went down in the first place. Bush was still president, and he threatened to find an alternative energy, so all the oil companies had to lower their prices so we wouldn't mind buying oil (the week after Bush's speech, the prices started being lowered). Another reason may have to do with our economy; when the economy went down, the price for gas did too.

So why is it going up? Is it that Obama doesn't even mention anything about trying to find a new source of energy, or is it a sign our economy is on its way up? And in the comments please don't give me a "Obama is trying to help the Arabs, through buying overpriced barrels of oil".

KOLLEL-OPOLY

From the makers of the hit game Jewish Geography, comes the new game of Kollel-opoly. PB (Pollack Brothers) have come out with numerous games that represent the Jewish lifestyle, the game of life being one of them (includes the shidduch crisis and all). The Pollack Brothers were thought to have made a knock off of the original game monopoly, but they specifically said kollel-opoly had nothing to do with it.

How to play: There are up to 8 players, and 8 pieces; A black hat, a jacket, a no lace shoe, a white shirt, a yeshivishe car, one female (modestly dressed) and other such characters. Each player starts off at NU MOVE IT ALREADY (GO), where each player, as they go around the board, will collect their 200$ kollel paycheck for the month. Each player spins the dice, and whatever number it says on the dice, that's how many spaces you move. Don't worry, there is a mechitzah that lines the board to accommodate the one female player, so as to coincide with halachah.

Buying Yeshivos: To buy Yeshivos, for example: the highest priced yeshivah is Beis Medrash Gevoah or BMG (the equivalent to boardwalk) is priced at 400$. If you have a set of yeshivos in one area you can make the tuition higher for the yeshivos, just simply buy coffee rooms (houses), if you have bought 5 coffee rooms, you exchange it for a Dormitory (hotel), this increases the price of tuition in your yeshivos.

Kollel, Free parking, and go to kollel: Kollel (equivalent to Jail) you can make transactions through kollel (remember you have bluetooth and a blackberry). To get out of Kollel (chas v'shalom) you must pay a minimum fee of 50$ kinas, you may then leave next turn, you can stay in kollel up to three turns (you have to go home to your wife sometime, although not recommended). Free parking; lucky you, you don't live in Brooklyn, you cheap Jew always looking to find free parking. Go to Kollel; when you land on this space you must go directly to kollel and do not collect 200$ monthly kollel paycheck.

Children's tuition (equivalent to income tax): When you land on this space, you can either pay 200$ or you can pay 10% of your money to the yeshiva (of course you cant pay all the tuition, you're in kollel)

Wife Expenses (equivalent to luxury tax): When landing on this space you pay 75$ automatic to the bank.

Mazal and communities chest (that's right, take all the community funds for your kollel lifestyle): If you land on one of these spaces you pick up a card. Some may tell you "the community put pressure on you to learn and not work, go directly to kollel do not collect 200$ kollel paycheck" or "shvigger dies you inherit 100$" or "section 8 govt fund didn't come this month, pay for each yeshiva 100$ (remember yeshivos are in basements)" or "Rav gives you brachah you had children, pay 100$ hospital fee" or "tzedakah collector comes by and gives you sob story, pay 15$ (poor tax)".

Coffee works, Electric company, and Cities (equivalent to railroads): The cities are Kiryas yoel, Williamsburg, Lakewood and Bnei brak. The cities combine to make a big impact when together, same for coffee works ( to run your coffee rooms, obviously) and electric company (you aint paying the bill).

The object of the game is to live in a kollel lifestyle, and yet still manage to own the whole board. Have fun playing.

If you have any questions, any suggestions for a future game, or in need of more information visit us at PBJews.com

DO YOU HAVE SHEMA OCD?

There I was in a shul, ma'ariv had approached and we had started shema. I said it as any normal person would say it. The guy a few seats next to me was a different story; he was going at the shema for approximately 10 minutes, as the books title, he was praying with fire. I was in middle of ending my shemonah esray, when this guy finished his shema. I didn't need to be a doctor to diagnose this guy, he has Shema OCD. He didn't just need to say every word once, but 7 or 8 times. I don't understand why one would have such a behavior? Does this guy know some sort of kabbalistic segulah, or something, that says to repeat every word of shema till you've had enough? Do you have any clue what it is, or is it just the symptoms of Shema OCD? I know I have been going on and on about OCD and Jews, but maybe its really true.

TAKE A GUESS

Today is another day that goes by. Everything just seems to fit into place, but yet its all run from above. No this is not a some mussar post so hold your horses. We walk in we walk out, everything is always happening. A cloud comes into a clear blue sky and it always brings more. I hope you get the point by now.

The whole world expects something to change, but yet it doesn't. Everything takes time, as they say. The only thing that can change things quickly is when there are fights, when people make drastic moves, that's when things begin to pick up the pace. If Israel would attack Iran today, and won a war instantly, the whole world would take Iran's oil, and then go after Israel and somehow change the shape of it as we know it, to something smaller, all because things happen quickly when there is a war. This would have happened in a few decades rather than months which is what I was referring to.

Also for some odd reason my mind runs quickly when I have absolutely nothing to post about, so take a guess why I wrote what I did, because even I didn't know what I was going to write a few seconds before it was on the screen.

THE CUSTODIAN

Every Yeshiva has one of these guys, okay a few of them. They do back breaking labor and get paid worse than the rebbeim, which, by the way, is almost nothing. The kids in the Yeshiva cant really relate to them, because the rebbeim are constantly saying, "If you don't learn you'll end up like the shvartza janitors here", or, "So lets say shmerel had a cow, then Steve the guyishe janitor stole it.....", so the kids think of them as low lives. Some of them may be on crack all day long, but others just really cant get a better job. Every Yeshiva runs on these guys, and they are neglected.

In a Public school, life is probably better. The kids can relate to them. They can play their music, unlike in a yeshiva which forbids all outside music (for the record lipa is outside). No teachers are degrading them. They are treated like humans who have a life, rather than something who is just needed to mop the floors.

The children speak to them normally, not like in many yeshvos where the kids speak to them as if they are retarded, for example: Custodian: "Are you done here?" Yeshiva Kid: "Now no. We done here in few minutes, okay". A normal public school kid would have said "in five minutes".

Being a yeshiva custodian is one of the worst jobs ever, I wouldn't be surprised if in the news you hear a story of a janitor massacring a bunch in a yeshiva .

AN ALMOST TRUE NEWS REPORT

Shalom, and welcome to another edition of Mike Tonight, I am your host Mike in M. as always thank you for tuning in.

In recent news such sites like Vos iz neias and Yeshivah world, have been banned by local authorities. Until recently, reports were unclear as to why the sites were closed down, due to the fact that we get our news from these sites. But in an exclusive interview with an anonymous rabbi, we made the unclear, clear. "To have a yiddishe owned site is a chilul hashem, what will the goyim say if they found out we were using their Internet? nu? and all de machloikesim these sites create is anti yiddishkeit. They are constantly coming up with new halchos in their coffee rooms. I don't even understand how you can have a coffee room in the Internet? who supplies it?" said the anonymous rabbi.

Our very own David Spiegler, is out in the streets giving us live feed from everyday people. David: "Yes Mike, as you can tell this was a big shock to the local Jewish community. It seems to me that we have some very mixed opinions about this recent event. Everyday person: "Its about time they shut down some treife sites like these, anything we do to pure ourselves of sites like these is hashems will". "While another person, Mike, had some other ideas". Other person: "Why would the rabbonim ban such a site? I was commenting on YWN and preaching how we should listen to the rabbonim with no questions asked, but why did they close the site? it was kuloi toirah". (David asking other person) "Do you think that YWN created machloikisim between yidden?". Other person: "Of course it did, who did you think I was yelling at in the coffee room? only the non believers who believe its okay to be commenting on the Internet". David Spiegler: "As you can see some of the views of the people are confusing, as seen with the last one interviewed".

Thank you David. There is yet to be a comment made by the creaters of the sites There are a minority of Rabbis who suggest that they allow the sites to remain open, because they are afraid of the other places the people will get their news from.

I am Mike in M. and good night. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (background music).

I WAS THINKING

Yes, occasionally I do that. What would happen in four years from now? and I don't mean flying cars and living on the moon, or a planet with no oil and no trees. I mean what kind of an election will take place? Obama running verse who? Giuliani? Who will everyone vote for Obama or the republican candidate. Will Obama make another million promises he cant keep and claim change from himself, or will he lose because he already made all the promises and didn't change at all. So I was thinking, what will happen?

THEY WERE RIGHT

Today I decided to visit the infamous coffee room of YWN, for the very first time. I knew I would find something interesting. The commenter Pashuteh Yid is highlighted in red.

"Slits being a problem has no basis in halacha. The requirement is that the knees and above be covered at all times. Most people feel that you need an extra few inches so that the knees are covered when sitting, as well. So any slit that ends 3 inches below the knees is totally fine, as the entire skirt could end there. Anyting you do below the 3 inch line is OK. You can have a slit, you can have elaborate cutouts, you can eliminate everything, you can cover down to your toes, you can embroider a picture of your dog, whatever you do is fine, as long as everything is covered above the 3 inch point.
We have enough halachas, why invent new ones? "

I do like his last sentence, pretty smart. The next commenter, Why do I even bother (his name), is highlighted in maroon.

"Pashuteh Yid, I will let the others jump down your throat, but I do have to say that your comment is one of the dumbest, narrow minded comments I have read. Most people at least say that "My rav told me this" or "In my community this is acceptable". You just went and paskened your (wrong) opinion..."

I love what this guy wrote, he actually wrote one of the dumbest, most narrow minded comments Ive ever read. He actually cares how a person presents his case; rather, than on the facts he states, and he called him wrong, and poshiter yid was clearly right. But not to worry, another comment was made in the coffee room, one that was seen coming for miles, highlighted in orange and written by chuck schwabb (not the company).

"The total lack of tznius today is a terrible machla on us. We need to do a lot to alleviate this tznius crisis. Anything towards that goal, is highly commendable. "

Ahhh.... that was refreshing, I was just itching to hear something like that (what I actually guessed someone would say is "Untznius people are causing the swine flu epidemic, yidden listen to your father in heavens message").

I was told, countless times, that if I checked it out I would find something, turns out they were right. I will now coin a new phrase "Never underestimate the stupidity of a YWN commenter". Good Night.

FRUM APIKORSIM

Another short post ;)

It just so happens to be that a real machmir rabbi, who is lubavitch, wrote in his new sefer, "Anyone who believes the Rebbe is mashiach is an apikoris (apikoris comes from the name Epicurus, who was a Greek philosopher who believed to do as the heart desires, which goes against the Jewish religions philosophy)". This poses a great problem for many lubbies, do they risk being called an apikoris, or do they give up the messianic crap. I assume that most of them will give it up easily, because who wants to be a Frum apikoris, its better to be an apikoris who gets all the benefits of this world, so they will stay Frum. Then there are the guys that call up the Jewish radio stations, and tell hosts like Zev Brenner, that 770 is the new beis hamikdash, they wont give up so easily.

What I really like about this is that, it came right in time for lag Ba'omer, when all the Lubavs who promote the messianic claims are out recruiting. Now instead of just telling them they're crazy, I can tell them they're apikorsim. Thank you Rabbi, being machmir cant always hurt.

In what ways will this new ruling help you? Help you shut up lubby messianic missionaries? or steal aliyos from them because apikorsim aren't allowed to have one? or even maybe allow yourself to finally detach from this way of life. What ever it may be, tell.

YOU-TOPIA

Many times people come up with philosophies of what they think the world should be like. They use all their methods of persuasion just to get people to agree with them, if they go really far they try implementing their ideas into society. Some people want equalness to its fullest, with people not judging one another based on how they look, but whats on the inside, and there will be no crimes committed, and everyone will be understanding of one another. Others want a world where the stupid are enslaved, or another race is enslaved (that's called racism). Religious people want a world where everyone serves G-d, for the sake of g-d, and for some the opposite (not believing in g-d).

People are just trying to change the world to be, what they consider, a perfect place in their minds (for example: Karl Marx). Now its great that you want a perfect world, but think, will you be able to live in your utopia? You have problems; you get angry, you're not always understanding, you don't always judge people favorably, you're stupid at times, you're not always religious at times, you might push someone out of the way just because you want to, because of this you wont even be able to live in your perfect society you dreamed of. Having a utopia is impossible if you live in it (and everyone else is perfect), you do one thing wrong and you're teaching others to act the same way, thereby disrupting the utopia.

A utopia can never be succeeded, because for a world to exist it needs flexibility and some breaking of the rules, due to us and are not so consistent lifestyles.

YOUR COUNTING ON IT

It was the second night of Pesach when you decided to embark on this mission. You thought to yourself, "This year is going to be the one, I'm going to make it all the way, I am going to count sefirah all 49 days". So the first night you are as pumped as people are for megillah leining. You make that brachah loud and clear so that everyone, within a 3 mile radius, should hear. You felt so great that you counted with such a geshmak that night, you wished you can count every night.

From then on you made sure to keep with every halachah and minhug that their was. You made sure that if someone asked what day it was, you can answer with "last night was this and this". Every time they told you to daven for the amud, you jumped at the chance for everyone to hear your brachah. You would go with a fire, and scream "Baruch....... Hayom yom..... Ba'omer!!!!", you didn't care whether anyone was shouting at you that you said Ba'omer and not La'omer, or that the brachah took 12 minutes altogether, you went on.

But it came the closing days of sefirah, and you were wondering what would happen if you said it everyday, with a brachah. You asked your local rabbi about what would happen. He told you that you just were mikaim a mitzvah, and then its over. That night you were thinking about it "I am counting for something, right? then the counting must end, soon. The rabbi is right it will be over. No more counting till next year!?!". But you loved counting so much, you could have been hired by sesame street to be the count, that this hurt you. Instant fear gripped your mind. You run out of shul screaming in the street "yidden yidden!!! you cant count sefirah in a few days, these are precious times don't waste them!!!". You go over to one fellow and say "Tonight is the 46th night, don't forget that and don't stop counting!!!". You leave the fellow thinking your crazy, then you realize you just said sefirah one night without a brachah (saying tonight is whatever, is considered counting and you cant make the brachah that night).

If you thought you lost it before, now you really did, you missed a night with a brachah!!!! Your heart begins to pound, you start sweating, as if someone is about to kill you. Your panicking, what will you do? "All is lost" you think to yourself "All those nights I kept up with it and now I missed it, everything sucks!". You pass out from all the tension you have caused yourself.

You find yourself days later in a hospital, hooked up to an IV. You ask the first Jewish person you see what day it is, they tell two days after Shavous. "AFTER SHAVOUS" you say, "But that means I completely missed 3 whole days of counting!!". You take a few short breaths, the pressure of not counting now plus missing counting before, creates the flat line sound of your cardiac monitor (in other words, your'e dead).

FINDING LIFE

I find this story truly amazing, about a Jamaican man who converted to Judaism, His name is Yoesf Robinson. At the beginning of his life he was like any other black Jamaican kid, he was raised by his grandmother until he was able to come to America, to live with his parents. Eventually life led him down the wrong path, and he got into drug dealing, and other such "businesses". At one point he was a hip hopper in Hollywood. Later he found Judaism, and converted. He is now an orthodox Jew living in Brooklyn. I found some videos about him, and how he grew up Here, Here, and Here.

I find his story to be very inspiring.

MUM

After realizing that there wasn't enough labels for people, they decided to come up with a new one, Modern Unorthodox Machmir. These people are not like the modern orthodox machmir, like anyone really knows what that is to begin with, or like regular unorthodox. They are a group of people that decided that they are unorthodox, but are machmir in some cases, making them the new, or modern, unorthodox and machmir.

Well not anyone can just be Modern Unorthodox Machmir, you have to keep to a set of rules from that are derabanan and ignore the rest of which are deoraisah. For example; they will drive to shul on shabbos, they only eat the shmurah matzoh, but dip their McDonalds french fries in saltwater, they eat only chulent that was heated on the blech, but yet turn on and off lights on shabbos.

But they aren't just machmir on the derabanans like saying sefirah, they are also machmir on environmental issues as well. They are warned about the 11th commandment "though shall not have a massive carbon footprint". Weekly sermons from Rabbi Rebecca, and her husband Reverend Davis, at the local shul, are constantly reminding the kehillah about the need to keep the planet clean, and are putting bans on new products that falsely claim to save the environment, every day. Therefore the community of MUM's will only have one child, use recycled paper and strap themselves to trees all over the world.

The life of an MUM is a tough one, only the most Machmir of Jews are zocheh to enter their sect of Judaism.