WHAT DO YOU DO DURING CHAZARAS HASHATZ?

The most boring time during shachris and mincha is Chazaras hashatz. Let me explain why, the chazan is just reading what you said already, halachicly you don't need chazaras hashatz anyway, and three, you can see it on peoples faces.

So what to do to pass the time? Here is what I see people do on a regular basis.

The Talkers: These guys couldn't care about the amen the just missed, all they care about is complaining how long the davening is and why cant the chazan go faster. If they are into sports than all you'll hear is how they're fantasy team is down the drain, and how this guy cant play that sport. the Rabbi and gabbi will shush them, but it doesn't matter they keep on going.

The Readers: They keep to themselves through reading, be it a gemara or any old english book. You'll never have the Rabbi shooting looks at them.

The Pacers: They have nothing to do besides take a walk around the shul. They are usually the ones to clop for yaleh vi'yavo at the beginning of shmona esrei. They never have a siddur in their hands while walking, so when it come to kedusha you can hear them say the first few words loud and then they quiet down because they don't know the rest. Many times these guys walk up to the chazan and tell them random facts about shemona esrei, while they are in middle of chazaras hashatz.

The Collector: this guy goes to each and every guy, and some twice, just to get all their spare change for tzedakah.

The Astronauts: They just stare into space, thinking about Gd knows what, till the chazan finishes, at the end they cant remember if they stood for kedusha.

The long Daveners: These are the people who daven through the whole chazaras hashatz. Some of them stand still while davening and don't move unless the need to bow. Some are really violent and twirl they're peyos as they shake, or they just leave the peyos out, and messy. Then there are others that actually look like they are having a conversation with Gd.

The Listeners: Yes these people actually are listening to the chazan (hard to believe). Some of these people actually put their fingers on the place, and say amen with a lot of concentration.

The money counters: Plain and simple they count their money. These people get nagged by the collectors.

The textors: Even though cell phones must be turned off as you go into shul, some still text. these are the guys whose cell phones goes off during shemona esrei.

The Coffee Drinker: These guys are out of the shul during the repetition of Shemona esrei getting their coffees, and missing everything, only to come back when its over.

Mike In Midwood: Goes to shul to daven and get out. I just like doing my thing and then leave, that means; I don't talk in shul, or have a long shemona esrei, don't drink, I read a little, I day dream, give tzedakah, then I leave (of course I stay for aleinu).

What do you do during Chazaras Hashatz?

TO LIFT A CURSE

So there was this lady who wanted her curse to be lifted from upon her soul. She went to a sorcerer to lift the treacherous curse. thw woman paid the sorcerer and left. Turns out the sorcerer did not remove the curse. The woman, upon hearing that her curse was not taken away, decided to sue for her money back, in a civil court. The sorcerer didnt want to have the case in a court governed by the state laws, so the sorcerer pleaded to have it in a Jewish court, so as to not have to pay back (Jewish law is strict against using sorcery, so the sorcerer wouldnt have to pay back). The Judge, a frum jew, did not allow it, saying that the monetary issues are governed by the state, and not jewish law.

This story is actually a true one, and happened recently in Israel. My question is: Would a Jewish court allow the "sorcerer" to keep the money, or would they say that since it was paid for, but wasnt done, you need to pay back? I am not so sure what a Beis din would do.

10,000

I have finally hit the 10,000 visitors mark. I told myself at 5,000 that there is no need to celebrate, there is still a bigger celebration to come, and here it is.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank (sniffle, sniffle) all (sniffle) all... all (looks at teleprompter) all the people who helped me achieve this milestone, my parents, my brothers, and all those who supported me till this great moment (sniffle) (someone runs over to me and whispers "Don't forget G-d"), Oh and of course G-d who gave the everything I needed.

Yes, I was thinking something like that, but not as emotional. And really thanks to all of you for keeping this site great, you're the ones who gave me 10,000. (probably half the visitors were myself anyway)

NOT ANOTHER MEME (sigh)

After seeing another MEME go around all the blogs (I still don't know how to pronounce it), I have decided to do it before being tagged, and for everyone elses sake I wont tag you.

Finish the sentences:

1)I wish I could...
2)my biggest fear...
3) I hate to...
4) I love to...
5) Today I will...
6) Yesterday I...
7) My hair is...
8)I will never...

So here it goes:

I wish I could... destroy the existence of memes
My biggest fear... getting tagged for a meme
I hate to... get tagged to do a meme
I love to... not write memes
Today I will... finish a meme
Yesterday I... never dreamt I would do a meme today
My hair is... (shoots, nothing to do with memes) tangled up in meme (gotch ya)
I will never... write another meme (that's probably going to be broken)

Since that is not an excuse for a MEME, I will do a real one. So don't leave yet.

I wish I could... Be in the IDF shooting Arabs. I just love the thrill of war. I went paint balling once, in the woods with friend, it was awesome. I know I could die, that just makes it more thrilling.

My biggest fear... Becoming stupid. I hate to speak to stupid people, its hard to make conversation. I know quite a few stupid people, I cant take it when they ask me what something meant when its obvious. For example; a guy I know is stupid beyond belief, once someone said something so stupid (a different stupid person) me and a few other people were laughing really hard. Then the stupid guy I know was wondering why the person would say such a thing, he later came over to me and told me why. The answer was obvious and everyone else, besides the stupid guy I know, knew the second it came out of the other stupid guys mouth. Therefore I don't want to become stupid.

I hate to... Hurt peoples feelings. This is why when ever I say a joke about someone to them, even if I am sarcastic, I explain to them what I mean. This is only if the person doesn't know me, if they know me then they know I don't mean to degrade them, and its all in good spirit. The only possible way I will make fun of someone is if they start up with me.

I love to... study technology. I love to read how a refrigerator works and microwave. Also cameras, camcorders, satellites, airplanes, helicopters and much more. I also like to study astronomy (not astrology).

Today I will... Breathe till my lungs fill to capacity.

Yesterday I... Realized that some people don't get embarrassed.

My hair is... Brown but looks black.

I will never... Be chassidish.

WHEN JEWISH GEOGRAPHY GOES TO FAR

Your life has sucked for just too long. All your friends just run away. Its time to get back at them. What will you do? You can, either: A) ditch them for new ones B) get a semi automatic gun, throw a huge party inviting all of them, and then mow them down with your new murder weapon, or C) Be so attached to them, they will go nuts. You speculate that B) may result in someone pressing charges, leading to life in prison (only to make new friends there), and C) will annoy the heck out of you. You remembered that; you took a course on how to play game shows and when two out of the three don't fit, it must be the third, so you go with A).

Now you are wondering, how do I make friends the Jewish way. You think for a bit then exclaim "JEWISH GEOGRAPHY!!!" (as the light bulb bursts from on top of your head). So you run into the nearest yeshivah, looking for your first victim. You spot a guy wearing a; white shirt, black hat, dark colored jacket and dark pants. You run to him and ask "where do you learn?" The guy looks at you for a moment, then he overcomes the shock, and says "right here". You say "Oh really... how nice" as you realize that he obviously learns here. You quickly run away thinking, "Hes just an unfriendly fellow".

You find another dude in a white shirt hat and jacket with black pants. You ask him "So where you from?" He says "Who wants to know". You say "I do, so.... do you know so and so, because he was just so weird I had to"..... Yeshivish guy cuts you off and says "I think you are looking for the guy over there". You say "You're a good friend, what do you want to do tomorrow. Should we go out for pizza, or....." The yeshivish looks up from his sefer and says "I seriously think that guy over there is calling you". You are still ignorant to the fact that he wants you to go away, so you continue " I guess will talk it out later, see ya". You then walk over to the guy he said was calling, lo and behold he actually wasn't, you are suprised.

You then walk out of the yeshivah, thinking "Wow I just made a new friend (the guy who told you to walk over to the other guy), and it wasn't that hard". You decide to make another one. You quickly run to the nearest grocery store and stand in the longest line there. You happen to stand next to a woman (its okay). You are about to ask her something but she goes first "Where do you learn, by what Rav". You say "Whats it your business, why do you feel like you have to know what everyone is doing?! sheesh get a life, are you so deprived of people to talk to you run everywhere just to make a friend and ask them stupid questions. I would never want to be you". she says back "well that's not someone I would like to be friends with (okay I'm a little far fetched with that word"friend" but who cares)". You then ask the nearest person where they live.

The story may be weird, but today I was in a bagel store and the guy standing in front of me, who I don't know, says "Hi, hello, how are you doing. So where do you learn? I spill out a "Hi" not knowing what else to say, since he just shot it out so quickly and so out of term. He asks again "where do you learn?". I look at him as if he fell from G-d knows where. I decided to get back at him for saying something so utterly stupid and annoying, "Do you want the truth or a lie" I don't know why I said that. So he says "Oh I understand you don't want to talk". At least he understood. ( you may wonder why I actually felt this to be weird, the answer is the guy came on too strong) A few minutes later he asks "So whats your name" So I say "Dude its enough already, I don't know what you are trying to do but stop!" When he got his stuff and left he looked at me and waved, I nodded my head for some unknown reason. the guy was obviously suffering from lack of friends, and this results in Jewish geography going to far. Don't let this happen to you.

BREAKFAST IN YESHIVAH

Unlike normal food, a Yeshivahs food is meant to make you lose your appetite. Whether there were ants in the oatmeal, or pizza with green cheese, it always managed to gross you out. I remember our famous joke, that was always used till it became lame; "Stand up for the food, its older than you".

We got our food from City harvest and other companies of that sort. There were times that they delivered soda that would have expired that day, and instead of my yeshivah giving it too us then, it got stored in a hot room for 8 months, only to be served flat, expired, and with a pinch of salmonella.


For breakfast we would have; corn flakes or rice krispies(oops, I mean krisp rice, the kemach version), orange juice that no one dared touch, tea from already used tea bags, eggs , oatmeal that if you ate it, you would have transgressed on the sin of don't eat insects, bread, milk that was questionable, peanut butter, butter, margarine, and sugar, our sugar was magnetic (it stuck to the cups through static electricity, does that not make it magnetic?) . Sometimes we would have Chocolate milk, and french toast. If we were lucky, they would give out coco krispies, or what ever the kemach version of it was. The milk was always being passed around to smell, till one guy decided to taste it, you could never trust it. The eggs were usually good. Now the oatmeal was a problem. Here's a story to explain why.

My friend was about to take a spoonful of oatmeal, and he noticed black dots in it. He looked a little closer, and saw it was fried ants (or boiled ones, grossing you out yet?). So he goes over to the cook and says "you've got ants in this" so the cook looks and says "No! its dots". So my friend saw a Rabbi, who was about to have some, and said there are ants in it. The Rabbi looks and shows it to the cook, only then did the cook throw it out. Ever since that event I didn't take oatmeal.

The Chocolate milk was not at all Chocolate milk, it was in fact leftover cocoa from the night before, and the cocoa was made out of all the expired milk they had. So basically, if you wanted your stomach to twinge for a few hours you had some "chocolate milk".

The French toast they gave was good, if you didn't get a whole wheat slice. They had some sort of imitation of maple syrup, that needed a lot of magnetic sugar added.

What I normally had for breakfast was; a bowl of cornflakes, or krisp rice, with sugar. It tasted nasty without sugar; and at the end of your bowl was all the sugar residue laying at the bottom. The smartest thing to do was to bring your own cereal, then you have it all set out besides the milk.

During breakfast we would all put our theories together on how to stay healthy while still eating the Yeshivas food, that consisted of what to eat and what not to. An occasional egg fight would break out, or who bet someone they cant eat some concoction without vomiting the whole day.

Breakfast is supposed to be the main meal of your day, we on the other hand had it lacking. Share some of your yeshiva food theories or experiences, I don't know how it is in girl schools.

ANOTHER GREAT STORY

After reading this wonderful story, about a Jew who was afraid of too many "Arab types" (whats their crime? too much clothes?) on his plane from Turkey to New York and delayed the flight for 2 hours while everyone was inspected (he got kicked off the flight), I was truly "inspired" by this idiot.

So what do you expect when you are flying from Turkey? for everyone to look like chassidim? of course their are going to be "Arab types". If this guy was so afraid of the arab types, then why is he in turkey in the first place? And stop hiding your real thoughts, we know you're afraid because you think they are going to blow up[the plane, say the truth. Then there is the question of Chilul Hashem, and the ever increasing anti-semitism, that this causes. The guys an idiot.

Imagine if you are on a plane flying from JFK to Tel Aviv, and there is this "arab type" on the plane. He complains about to many "Jewish type" people on board. He makes everyone get off, inspected, and 2 hours later you can fly. Would you not say "what kind of moron gets on a plane with jews, if he fears them? Is this jewish man on flight from turkey any different? No, and thats why he should...... I dont know what he should, but its stupid to do what he did.

My favorite part of this news article was the comments, people actually defended him. This is only possible on vos iz neias and YWN.

P.S. You can see I am running out of ideas to post Dont worry, I will get more ideas. For as long as the Jewish world gets more ideas, the more there is to post about, and they are due for another one right about now.

AND WHERE IS THE MESSIAH?

So its about 9 hours since Obama and co. have taken control. I am wondering, where is the messiah everyone promised? Wasn't Obama supposed to be who everyone said is going to try to destroy the Jews, and cause tht bringing of the messiah?...... I'm still waiting (tick tock, tick tock, tick tock).

What ever happened to the war in 7 seconds ending all threat to Jews? What ever happened to the Kabbalist who said Obama is the threat? What happened to the Zohar that said, when Yishmael, or was it Canaan, (seems like people don't know how to look up a Zohar) rules the world that's when its time for Messiah. What happened to the 7 p'esukim in Navi, that talk about Messiah, spelling out Obama's name somehow. What happened to all those frummies, predicting that Obama is bringing the destruction, and saying were moving out of America and into Williamsburg. You know what, nothing and the ones who say this probably don't even believe it themselves! because all of these "proofs" are made up by people who were to afraid of a BLACK guy becoming our president.

My friend is real believer in this Obama Messiah stuff (hes afraid too, or really brainwashed). He showed me the first posuk in Vezot Habrachah, saying "look it says Obama's name here" I said "If you pick and choose enough letters, then you can spell anything". So he took the Bais of the word Habracha, the Raish of the word Asher, and the Chaf of the word Beirach, and supposedly spelled Barack in Hebrew. I told him "First Barack isn't spelled like that its with a Kuf at the end, and second, you picked those letters for no specific reason, just that you thought you could spell Barack! you are picking and choosing" So he says Okay fine its says it here". He shows me the word Beirach (Bais, Raish, Chaf) and says that's were its says it, now it has an order". So I laughed and said "You spelled it the same way! again! wrong! and another thing, why would this posuk refer to MMessiah and Obama bringing him, it has nothing to do with Messiah!" I told him to come back with better proof.

So I'm still waiting for Messiah to come riding in on the democratic donkey. better yet, I am waiting for a real proof he is coming on the democratic donkey. I guess everyone is going to be disappointed come the end of Barack's term(s) and Messiah doesn't come (at least because of Obama he doesn't).

MAKE MONEY FAST SCHEMES

In this tough economy, people need ways to make money. Here are some ways to get back into the middle class fast.

Scheme #1: Design your own kashrus. Who doesn't want another hechsher on their overpriced food? Now you can help people get what they want. Tips include: oval or round shaped insignias with Hebrew words that can fool any American Jew. Hire a mashgiach from another company; he does the same job for the other guys, for you, at the same time. Charge a minimum fee, and make things that aren't kosher, become "kosher".

Scheme #2: A Ponzi scheme. Tips include: don't get caught!

Scheme #3: Join a Kollel ( meant fore the non kollel participant ). Tips include: Wearing a white shirt, hat and jacket, and anything else that seems religious, except Magen David, Hamsa, a cross, or any necklace.

Scheme #4: Start your own Kollel, for yourself, and collect tons of money. Tips include: Fake documents with Rabbi signatures, saying to give to you, and your Kollel.

Scheme #5: A little like #4, but you collect with no reason. Tips Include:Observing and taking notes on all the others who already do this. Since it seems popular among most people, it might not be a great idea.

Scheme #6: Design a useless product aimed at helping the Jewish community. Tips include: adding the word kosher in front of it.

Scheme #7: Tell People if they invest in you, you will become frum. Tips Include: Acting off the "D", and preying on the dumb.

Scheme #8: Create and sell a scheme list. Tips include: Listing the ones I mentioned above.

If you have any other things to add please do so, the list can only get better.

DAMN TERRORISTS

There is a group in Israel, which cant stop to terrorize the people. Week after week, they continually target its citizens. They hide behind the the ones they target, in fact they target their own. They are extremists calling for women to be covered from head to toe. They segregate their own kind. They are a semi unorganized group, only coming to attack briefly and then scurrying away.

The Israeli government despises these people. The government doesn't really know who to contact, to call for a cease fire. The government has been patient with them, and it can not attack, because who are they going to fight against, only civilians. Even if the Israeli government would ask for a cease fire, these ruthless people would never stop. This group is calling for Israel to aid their poor families, and yet they hate the government.

Years of violence; throwing rocks, heavy beatings, all to support their radical views. Will it ever stop? has the U.N. ever condemned these terrorists? They cant take a system that differs from their own, they go all out against it, using all sorts of violence. I call for a rally against these people. Their children are being taught from a young age, to hate anything that's not like them. In my eyes (not theirs) its sickening; men beating up women, which is morally wrong, all for not dressing up to their standards. Is this not a crazy people? Do they not leach from the government they hate? The answer to all this is a big YES, and these terrorists wont be stopped till crushed. These terrorists I am referring to, are Charedi. Yeah that's right, you'll see all those categories fit with them. Are their intentions that much different from radical Muslims?

Okay, so I might be going a little overboard here.

OPERATION CAST MISLEADING

After finding this, which I call Operation Cast Misleading, thanks to The Wolf (who put out a good post), I laughed my head off, only to put it back on when I realized it was going to just about every frum house. The "before" picture, shows a kid with a white shirt and and Kippah (yarmulkeh), the "after" picture, the kid is with his index finger and pinky out (oh no), mouth wide opened, a baseball cap, and worst of all, a black shirt. The pictures were obviously taken three minutes apart, and the before might have been the after.

What the "kid wrote" (in quotations because he didn't, it was an older person trying to sound like he was off the "D", and trying to mislead everyone) is hilarious and very contradicting. You have got to read it. My commentary in regular ink.

Dearest Abba and Mommy,

How off the "D" are you if you still call them Abba and mommy, how about Mom and Dad.

Just wanted to thank you for the iPod touch you got me for my birthday. It’s the coolest thing! Seriously. I use it all the time to access the most disgusting stuff in the world! You would like totally faint if you knew.

Dude you just told your parents in the last sentence, its not like you are hiding it.

Anyway, OMG! It’s like the sickest thing ever. And the internet is WAY fast. It only takes me a few seconds to download the WORST videos and photos imaginable.

You're telling your parents once again what you do. Second an Ipod touch can not download videos within seconds, it takes quite a while.

I can literally get anything I want and talk to anyone I want.

If you know them you can talk to them, first you need their number, and that's only the Iphone that can call, not Ipod touch, or you get their IM address, By the way, this can be done by anyone with a house phone. Don't you think someone like this would have cursed a few times by now?

Bet you had no idea when you bought it. That’s too bad, cuz, you know, I was just an innocent 7th grader full of potential. You probably had high hopes for me - sorry, but that’s history now. I don’t really care much about learning - or anything else - anymore and I’ll probably drop out of school pretty soon.

Soon Eh, that means you live at home, and still go to school. At first I thought you were writing from camp or something, now it changes that you are still in school. If so then you live at home, and whats the need for a letter, talk (scream) to your parents. You aren't living out of your house, since you still have contact with your parents, and seem to care a lot about them. If you were out of the house, you would have already dropped out of school. Where are the parents here, they can just take away the Ipod, they still have some authority over the kid, and don't you think there should be some cursing by now? Hence this is all a misleading letter, sent out to encourage you to suffocate your children.

So long and thanks for ruining me. You Rule!

ruining you, if you're off you don't say that.

Love, Chaim (a.k.a. “tank” ooh great name, scary too.)

In the end, it boils down to, making everyone fear electronics, and suffocating their children. They had a letter attached to it, which said text messaging and phones are bad. Okay some phones can get Internet, fine its bad (not going to really argue that one, its for a different post). Now for the ones without Internet, texting is not a problem, I wrote about this before, because if you want you can even (dare I say it) have a kosher phone and talk to girls or boys. Interview with a Random Frummie: "really? I thought that was impossible". Mike in Midwood: "what?.... wait, so do you know that its possible to talk to the opposite gender on a land line phone? Random Frummie: "No! that's impossible.... it ca..... ca..... cant be..... it just cant be" Mike In Midwood: "yes it can". Random Frummie faints out of shock.

Yes people this was all propaganda, sent by the Frummies. No one is going off the "D" because of an Ipod, and we don't have to be so jealous of the Amish. I know we are related to the Amish, were their cousins, the Heimish, but its just too much. Don't Cast a Misleading Operation on us, and definitely don't lie to us with false letters.

WHY I DONT READ THE YATED

The Yated Ne'eman is a Jewish newspaper (more like opinion paper). I do not like to read it. After reading their last article, I was a bit confused at what they were trying to point out. They wrote how everybody is all pro Palestinian, then they start to show how everyone isn't blaming Israel for the latest conflict. They did the latter in an effort to show Palestinians are the wrong ones, and yet they contradict what they wrote before. Is there any real newspaper that does that?

Then comes my next reason, I love this one. The great Yated did not even remotely differ between Palestinians and Hamas. They said " The Palestinian people have pushed Israel over the limit, and they shall get their reward". Although I agree that many Palestinians don't like Israel, but it isn't any random gaza citizen that shot missiles and that's who Israel is fighting against ( though they dont always portray themselves as part of the group), it was an organized group called ( and the yated may not know this) HAMAS. This new found organization, according to the yated is new, is responsible for the attacks; and if you didn't know there is another Palestinian group Israel is not fighting against, Fatah. So don't start writing that its Palestinians who we want dead, because most of them are cowering under their beds for something Hamas caused, and Israel is only targeting Hamas not all Palestinians, don't write "The Palestinian people have pushed Israel over the limit, and they shall get their reward".

This is why I don't read the Yated Ne'eman. If you like reading peoples random thoughts, with no basis, and articles that cant keep to a point; then the Yated is for you.

MY ANNOYING NEIGHBORS

I live in an apartment building sort of. Its just a few 3 bedroom apartments stacked on each other with a basement. I live on the ground floor level. The basement is our only problem, we get noisy at times, hey I got 3 brothers. Even with that, there was only complaint once throughout all the years. The people living under us changed many times; first I remember an old Polish guy who smoked, then some other dude from eastern Europe, the Polish guy again, and then a Russian couple in their fifties with another guy, also Russian who would shovel the snow for us. Then comes my current neighbors living in the basement, they are Muslim.

Throughout the years, all the ones living in the basement never had any problems with us. With the new ones we have problems, I can hear them now, screaming. At first I thought we were too noisy, but I noticed I couldn't even run (running makes noise) to get the phone without them pulling out the broom to bang on our floor their ceiling, so I guess its not our fault. Okay so we might be a little too loud for their sensitive ears, fine I'll try to be quieter.

Turns out they don't have sensitive ears at all, in fact they are practically deaf. They blast their Arab radio, playing Arab music, and its not even good! I always thought Arab music was held to a higher standard, but I never really heard it, turns out I am wrong. So we do what they do, bang on our floor which is their ceiling, doesn't work. When they do it, it works, talk about proportionate response (they are muslim I am Jewish = Gaza and Israel). Oy! and when they scream at each other in Arabic, it just is so annoying, thankfully they stop for the night. Have you ever heard people scream in Arabic, its quite loud (not quiet loud, its read kwite lowd).

These are my annoying neighbors, are they terrorists trying to ( A spider just walked by me now, I killed it, I'm heartless. That was weird) terrorize my life with their horrible music, or are they really plotting something when they scream at each other. It doesn't matter, either way I am going to come down and kill them (like that spider I killed, I feel powerful). I am over reacting, I'll just have to keep it proportional.

ARE YOU YESHIVISH?

What defines yeshivish? Is it the hat and jacket, or is it the way you think, or whatever you say you are even though you definitely aren't? I, personally, consider myself "modern orthodox machmir" (M in M is M 'O' M). What that literally means, is up to you.

Yeshivish Definition #1: The outer appearance is everything. You wear a hat and jacket, and a gartel everyday, or the gartel just on shabbos. Those Shabbos coats are a must, without one you just aren't yeshivish, you wear it even though it doesn't keep you warm. You went to a Yeshivish Yeshivah, can there be a yeshivah that isn't yeshivsh seems to be against possibility then again its a frummie version of English so it is possible ( E.G. Frummie:I stayed by their house. normal:I stayed at their house), then you went to learn in kollel. This definition of Yeshivish has nothing to do with your outlook on life, rather how you appear. You can fake your way through, if anybody asks are you yeshivish you can say "Don't you see my hat and jacket?" and they will be forced into agreeing, you are.

Yeshivsh definition #2: You believe that kollel is good for a year or two, secular education is needed, you like music that has a beat to it. You don't wear those "shabbos coats", they aren't warm enough, for you its a nice puffy coat. You put on the hat and jacket, no gartel. You went to a Yeshivah, be it out of town or in. You learn a little here and there. Your logic is, "Its how you think that makes you yeshivish". You have a Rabbi that you hold of, and you keep all halachos and strict kashrut. You never miss a minyan. Your basically Yeshivish, minus the whole look and kollel idea. You are Yeshivish, just there are people more yeshivish than you.


Yeshivish definition #3: It doesn't matter how you act, all you need to do is say you are and you are, with some of the look. You go to any black hat shul. The yeshivah you went to could have been MO, it doesn't matter. You wear a hat sometimes, and you hardly daven with a minyan. Like definition one, you fake your way through, but instead people notice. You are Yeshivish, just there are people more yeshivish than you.


Yeshivish Definition #4: You believe in kollel for life, and you went to the greatest and strictest yeshivot. The hat and jacket are worn everywhere. Anything lower than you is not considered yeshivish.

Are you Yeshivish, well to some maybe and to others no. I guess its like a rhetorical question.

MY DOOR BELL, MY LIFE, LEAVE ME ALONE

Its a Thursday night. You sit back on your couch, hoping to not be disturbed. You feel so relaxed, the week is over, shabbos is coming, and you've done all the shopping needed. Ding-Dong.... knock knock knock. You get up from your position to open the door. Lo and behold its a Meshulach.

You feel like closing the door on him. He immediately gives you a sob story, about how his wife is a widow, and his children are starving, they don't even have a house. You feel bad for the guy. You think "I just went shopping, I don't have a lot of money on me; ill give a dollar". So you stick your hand in your pocket, and pull out a five and a one. You hand the guy the one. He says "can I have the other one too?" You close the door on him. You say to yourself "What chutzpah this guy has, I was trying to be nice and he gets all greedy. It didn't even look like he needed so much money by the way he was dressed" You decide to forget about it.

You get back on your couch and fall into a comfortable position. Once again the door rings. You open the door to find this guy who, unexpectedly, comes into your house. He pulls up a chair by himself, regardless of the fact that its your house. Besides for the fact that he has no manners, he says you are a friend of his. You say to yourself "no he isn't, who is he, and where did he come from, and why is he so rude?" He then says to get him a drink, because hes been on his feet all day. You think, and know, " This guy has probably done this to numerous houses today, you feel disgusted". You say to him " how much money do you want?" He says "Money who needs money? not me....... but there is this one family who cant afford to pay the bills, and the financial crisis hit them hard". You say "here's a dollar, get lost, and don't come back!!!". As you are trying to push the guy out the door, he says "a dollar isn't enough, and where is my water"? You scream back "I don't know you, get out of my house!!!" The Meshulach says "last week you gave me more (which is a lie), where is your rachmonos for yidden?" You finally get the guy out and slam the door. You think to yourself "where do I find these people?"

You sit back down, only to be called back to the door. You open up with a look of depression on your face, and see another collector. He mumbles something in yiddish to you, and says "money", the only clear word you heard from him. You reach back into your pocket and pull out 50 cents. The guy says "tizkeh li'mitzvos", shoves a book in your hand, and leaves. You say "how nice a free book, wait.... I give tzedakah for a mitzvah, not for this". You then run out of your house, look both ways. You spot the Meshulach. You start chasing after him with the sefer in your hand, waving it like a hatchet. He starts running away with his pile of sefarim. You scream "Yoily, come back!! I want you to take this back!! He continues to run away, then his pile falls over. You catch up, stuff the sefer in his hands and say "don't you dare do this to me again"

You are just so mad, you cant relax now. They have ruined you spirit, you vow revenge, shaking your clenched fist. You will never open the door for any meshulach, ever again. Especially on Thursdays, their favorite day to hit houses. You disable you door bell, after being so mad that it didn't serve you like you wanted it to. Next week a guy with a check for a million dollars rings your disabled door bell, you don't answer and miss your chance, but your happy and relaxed, thinking you dodged another meshulach.

STUPID THINGS MY RABBI SAID

After reading Frumskeptics posts on teachers saying stupid things; I remembered all the stupid thing I have heard, over the course of my years in yeshivah.

My Rabbi told a story, of another rabbi, trying to prove to us its wrong to read English books. This rabbi, in the story, praised his mother for not letting him read English books. Not just any English book, even the ones written by great rabbis concerning halacha. This was because, the mother was afraid that her children will read a question in the halacha sefer, and will not read the answer for 24 hours, for whatever reason it may be. This will then leave an impression on the child, even after reading the answer. That's why we shouldn't read English books.

Is that not stupid? You could read any sefer or book, in any language, including Hebrew and yiddish!! Then get the same impression, why is that you are afraid of English books, even the ones that have to do with halacha! The reason is, there is no basis to this argument; its just so weird that maybe you'll be confused enough to listen to it.

My rabbi also said: Don't do kiruv. He didn't want to help people who had no chance at becoming frum. He felt that we cant stick our feet in the mud, to save someone in quick sand. He didn't want us to be exposed to the outside world through helping people. I found this to be disgusting. I couldn't believe he would say such a thing. Why should we not give an opportunity to these less fortunate people. I guess its no wonder they turn away the BT's, when they do become frum.

My Rabbi tried brainwashing us, lucky for me it didn't work. I know what is right and wrong, and my Rabbi was definitely wrong.

LISTEN TO THE KABBALIST

A famous kabbalist in Bnei brak said that "Israel should not halt its mission to destroy Hamas, otherwise Israel faces great danger". I agree, Israel should not stop, no matter what pressure is put on them. He also said that " Israel must send in troops to destroy the underground tunnels, which can not be hit from the air". Another important statement he said was "everyone should fight", that means the actual army should fight, and the guys in beis medrash should learn on their behalf.

Like I said, I agree with what he is saying, I just wonder why he is saying this now? The attacks came 6 months ago, and the air strikes started on shabbos, why does he begin to speak up now? I just think that he, like everyone else, knows that Hamas is a threat, and should be destroyed. Just now that they have missiles that can reach Bnei Brak, he wants to have them destroyed.

Or it could be he knows something through his kabbalic powers, so he is just giving us a heads up. You choose the answer.