PRE PURIM WEEK

Have you ever wondered what Mike from Midwood is going to write this, or any, week? Well there is no need to worry anymore (some cheers), because this whole week is going to a Purim themed week, with only Purim related posts (duh). So if you don't like Purim, how I don't know; then, you can skip this weeks worth of reading here. If you are like many others who like Purim; then, stay tuned for the Pre Purim Post Prep (that "post" does not mean after), with tips on how to make your Purim slightly better and with less vomit (I feel it coming already! :) ).

Upcoming posts (in no specific order; although, I would like to keep to it).

Purim themes, Purim costumes, You on Purim, I already told the Breslovs not to come! ( a collectors worst nightmare), Hey! did I miss a word? (megillah problems), and Sick to my kishkes. All in one week! All on one blog! not to mention its FREE!

This offer is not included any where else, all proceeds go to my ego, oh and of course your enjoyment, for more info take out a crystal ball, fine print fine print and more fine print.

PESACH HAS COME BEFORE PURIM THIS YEAR

Purim is almost here, and Pesach is right behind, or is it? I look at the calendar and see; Rosh hashanah (head of the year), Yom kippur, Succoth, Chanukah, Tu Beshvat, Purim, and then Pesach (see Purim comes before). In fact not only does it just look like it goes in that order from the calendar, I actually celebrate it first too. So now I (emphasis on the I) know that Purim is first, but some people don't. Who you might ask, why its the Jewish press that doesn't know this.

Wait how could the Jewish press not know when Pesach is, don't they have a timeline column, of course they know that Purim is before Pesach. So I ask you, "Why have the Pesach ads been coming in since after Chanukkah, and the Purim ads starting two weeks ago?" obviously Pesach is before hand.

Did you know that there were 31 ads for Pesach in the Jewish presss last week; Hotels, Cruises (Kosherica), trips to Israel, while the Purim ads were less in number. Hey, this is all before Purim, after Purim there is going to more room for Pesach ads. I don't even understand how all these different ideas for Pesach are going to make money, the supply is way more than the demand, nu how many people go on a cruise for Pesach?

So in conclusion Purim is coming before Pesach, as usual, but for the consumer mind, it doesn't seem like it is.

I THOUGHT OUR COMMUNITY WAS ULTRA ORTHODOX?

I thought that our community was almost as Orthodox as it gets, then my bubble was burst when I saw this poster hung up everywhere.

A few weeks (months) ago, there was a major gathering of women in Israel. What they spoke about there was issues dealing with women, and the speaker they had was a man (rabbi). Why? well, the Rabbanim (men) felt that a women (rebbetzin) could not make a public speech, because it was immodest, even though it was in front of only women (you could argue that, but lets not and say we did). Now, when I saw this poster I thought, of course a man is going to deliver the speech (the rabbanim in Israel said so), right? . Well, I was wrong, in fact there is not one speaker who was a male; plus, no one said anything about that, and its the third week of this. Which leads me to think, "Are we that Orthodox?". Ill leave you to decide.

Although the Wolf is a professional photographer, I believe I did a great job, you could say I really captured the moment ;)

THEY AINT RACIST, RACIST

The cartoon that has created all the conflict, and many rallies. I am wondering why it cause so much anger from the black community. All I see is a monkey, representing our government and all its crazy ideas, dead on the pavement (and two cops who look exactly alike), that's what I see. What the black community sees is idiocy. Why are they so offended by this cartoon, I am not really sure. Even if it was making fun of Barack Obama, it doesn't mean that its making fun of all black people, just Barack the magic negro. Obviously they don't care, and think that once Barack gained power then all of them have power, leading to this where if you make fun of Obama you make fun of all the black people. Then there is the attention loving Al Sharpton. He cant go a few weeks without speaking for the black community; He spoke for 6 months about drugged up guy who was shot 50 times by the police, and how great he was. The police, of course, lost their badges due to Sharpton. What ever the case may be Al (coholic)Sharpton, must find himself in the news every few months, so as not to lose his publicity. This time he is speaking out against the writer of this cartoon, sure to have him hanged for it.

Like I said before, I don't see why the black people are offended, even Obama himself isn't offended. What do you think.

THE LAZY WAY OUT

There you are, no not there, oy, look to your left, yes there you are learning with your chavrusa. You have been learning with this chavrusa for a very long time, ever since you came to this place many moons ago (no I am not getting sci-fi on you). You both have learned through most of shas, tanach, and shulchan aruch, including most of the mephorshim. You and your chavrusah, are not like most people in the kollel, you actually learn something. You can say that you and your friend are living the kollel dream.

Everyday your schedule is exactly the same: Daven, learn, break, learn, learn, lunch, learn, mincha, learn, learn and learn some more, maariv at 9:00, go home. You basically are in the kollel pumping your way through the pages of Torah all the time. Your chavrusah has the same schedule as you.

Today is no different from your daily schedule. You start out to daven shachris and then go to learn, break, and learn, learn. At one point you are reading a posuk in chumash, in parshas yisro "sheshes yomim tavod". You look up at your chavrusah and say "I don't remember this being in the chumash" Your chavrusah says "no we have had it many times". You ask " Then I don't understand what it means", your learning partner answers "It means 6 days man should work, its simple to understand". You say "I knew what it meant, I don't understand how g-d can say that MAN should work? women work". Your chavrusah is perplexed and claims he never thought about it.

You then proceed to the head of the Rosh Kollel to ask this question, he answers that we men just don't work. This question still bothers you, If g-d said man should work, its a commandment and we have to work, why don't we. You decide that the kollel life is not the right life to live. You tell your chavrusah that you are leaving and that he should join you. He says maybe kollel is work. You quickly ask "isn't it a halacha that a man shall provide food for his wife?" You then say "I am leaving to do g-ds will, I am on a holy mission, call it jihad". Your friend says "If you leave then I wont learn with you". You say "You cant do that, we have been learning together for ages". Your friend then says "Why are you leaving anyway, when you live the kollel life everything becomes so easy for you, your wife does everything". You reply with "your right, why should I leave, it is easy, and if I do leave everyone will think I modern, or not Jewish at all, I am staying".

you end up continuing this system for the rest of your life, day in and day out. You still live with the question why we don't work, but you suppress it with how easy it is to take the lazy way out.

This story may not happen on such a large scale, but there are people out there who take the lazy/easy way out, and they go through life with this philosophy everyday. Basically, many stay in kollel just to get paid for doing nothing and being lazy.

BLACK HISTORY MONTH

February is national black history month, for those of you who do not know. So to accommodate that, today we are going to celebrate all that is black.

The history of black: The first time ever that black was seen was, when g-d said let their be dark, all the colors fought for which one will be dark, black won the title, and was then seen for the first time (second place was dark blue and 3rd dark brown). Adam did not see black right away, rather; he first saw all the other colors, that was all he knew. Then came night and he liked what he saw, black. But he wanted to enjoy the color black a little more, so g-d told him about fire. Adam the first made the fire, and with the illumination the fire emitted, he was able to enjoy the black by being able to see it better. That happened over 5700 years ago, today we enjoy black because it helps us sleep, and who doesn't like sleep?

Why is black such a great color? According to most frum sources, the color black is a form a modesty and blandness, even better than dark blue. "So what" you might say "Just because its bland and modest makes it such a great color?" To this we have to answer, " You are unworthy of our community and get out" or "black is an awesome color because then everything is the same and there are no social classes".

Okay, so now you know that black is a great color, but why wear it, its a bland color. I will answer that with a question "Why would the chosen nation wear black if there was a better color out there?" From this we see that black is the best color out there, and that is why the Jews (chosen nation) wear only black.

So next time you wear your black hat or black dress, remember that you are wearing the best color out there, and be proud of it. May black history month live on in all of us.

HOW DO YOU SAY AMEN?

Many people differ on how they pronounce Amen. Some people it comes from the background that they come from. Others it depends on their personality. There is the uh-mane, ooh- mine, ah-men, and even the christian Ay-men. Now its time to dissect this concept.

The slow Uh-mane: Common among the yeshivish crowds; the slow uh-mane is a stretch on the original amen. It usually comes as a lazy, real slow, no reason for it, uh-mane. This type of uh-mane is the one that can bore you to death. It seems as if its an attempt to slow down the chazan or kaddish reader, the slow Uh-mane type hate fast readers.

The quick uh-mane: A rare trait among some people is the quick uh-mane. This is for someone who doesn't get the reason for stretching an amen out for over a minute, and they say it real quick compared to the slow uh-mane. Side affects include mistaking baruch hu with a fast uh-mane.

The Yom tov musaf uuuuh-maaaane: This type of amen is a specifically long amen with sort of tune to it.

The Ooh- (its) mine: Found mainly among the chassidish sects, the ooh-mine is simply a misconstrued form of an amen. When ever I hear an ooh-mine, I realize that when I will be in middle of shemona esray, I will be pushed around by all chassidim, young and old, who don't have any manners at all. This ooh-mine is usually said in the tone similar to that of a cry for something (ooh its mine).

The silent amen: The silent amen is even simpler than the just moving lips way of saying amen. There is no need to worry on how to pronounce it, you simply don't say it; whether it be because you were talking, or out of sheer laziness.

The loud amen: This is said by a specific sect of hassidim know as stollen. They don't just say it, they scream it all together. If you are really frum and don't know what a heavy metal concert sounds like, no need to worry this is the heimish equivalent. I just wonder how embarrassing it would be if you were screaming and said something wrong by mistake.

The Ah-men: Found among the Sephardi sect of Judaism, the ah-men is said in many weird accents ranging from, through the nose to from the throat.

The Ay-man: The Ay-man is not a call for your friend, rather yo is the term preferably used to call your friend. The Ay-man is used in the christian society, usually in a black church after every few words the priest says (E.G. "The Lord Giveth" the cong. then says "Ay-Man" loud in unison). But even the christians say it different too, the white folk say a quiet ay-men.

I can only say this; the Ay-man is a complete knock off of our amen, but who can blame them when we don't say it normally either (uh-mane, ah-men,ooh-mine).

ITS KOSHER ALL DAY LONG

Being that we live in a society that is advancing in the most treife ways, the only thing that can possibly save us from this is, new ways to put hechshers on every item (Yay!). Its the only possible way to save us from any sort of treif out in the world. I will now predict the future of us as Jews:


The First thing to come out of the newly installed kosher market will be, people Hechshers; because many times you talk to people, and you just cant seem to tell who is up to your standards at that moment, maybe they are hiding something, and do you want to be influenced by someone treif, especially on a shidduch date? obviously not. So how can we possibly find a person who is kosher enough; therefore, we are going to introduce the human hechsher. At first there will only be Kosher and non kosher people, but somewhere along the way more hechsheirm will come through. Some people will have FFBTD (Frum From Birth Till Death) status, like OU parve, while others will will have a FFBBL (Frum From Birth But Lacking), sort of like OUDe (dairy equipment). Then others will be labeled with OTDCBAHS ( Off The Derech Coming Back on After High School) that's an OUD. Now its easier to keep yourself kosher with labels on everybody, you wont come in contact with someone you don't want to. Of course there will be mashgichim going all around checking up on people. This is an attempt to "fix" the shidduch crisis.


Everyone will be so into hechsherim, that every school will also have to have a hechsher on it. Schools will either be marked with Treif, Ba'adatz, or Kaf K. Treif being; anything that has a secular department. Ba'adatz being; learning non-stop to kollel, and Kaf K will be somewhere in between but frowned upon. If you send your children to the wrong yeshivah then you will be second class citizen.


The next thing to be hit, will be the communities themselves. Williamsburg is going to the dogs, to hipsters and bicycle lanes, this placed is deemed too treif, and that means anyone who lives there is not kosher enough. This doesn't say much for places out of the tristate area, they are for sure not kosher. Boro park and Midwood is borderline kosher, why you might ask? well its obvious, they don't have separate sides to walk on for men and women. Lakewood eer hakodesh and Bnei brak are kosher. New square, kiriyas Yoel, meah shearim, and any other sorts of towns like that are the kosherist (meah shearim is its own town, if kiriyas yoel is its own country) . Of course if you live in the wrong community you are an out cast and not Jewish.

I'll end it with this: I always thought the caste system in India was exaggerated, but now my thoughts are changing.

A ROCKING SHALOM ZACHOR

I was at this sholom zachor a while back. I knew the guy somewhat, and I was in the area, so I went (sorry Moshe not referring to you). I went in, and heard loud, loud singing (off key of course), but they were awesome. They sang just about everything; I believe they were drunk. I said my mazal tov and stuck around a little bit, to marvel at the site.

I have been to many shalom zachor's, none of them had any singing going on like this, if any at all. The atmosphere was pretty light, not like those tense shalom zachors were everyone is afraid to eat anything unless the ba'al simcha forces it down their throat. No, this one was good, the food was almost gone when I came, except the mint chocolate tray.

Things I noticed about a shalom zachor, and at any sort of simcha but especially a shalom zachor, is that there are always the assortments of mint chocolate that no one really like to touch. Some of them are; the jelly ring covered in mint chocolate, the mint chocolate with a disgusting filling, next to that is, the mint chocolate (sort of like a chocolate chip) with the sprinkles on it; no one likes them at all, don't know why everyone buys them.

Also at any simcha you will have the old guy (they tend to be old) who is worried about the children near the drinks (alcohol). As some kid is trying to snatch a cup of Bartenura, or some bad dry wine from Baron Herzog, this guy will say "hey wheres your father, you cant have that" as he snatches the bottle or cup away from the kid. These guys never enjoy the simcha they are at.

Well this shalom zachor was different, none of those old guys (maybe that explains the wild kids), but the mints where there, and it definitely was one shalom zachor to remember.

FINDING A NEW SHUL

You have been searching for a new shul; ever since you got into one of the biggest fights in your old shul due to a guy forgetting someones Hebrew name. After your friend nagging you about this other shul you could go to, you decide to go there. You have absolutely no clue what this shul will be like, all you know is that its supposed to have a good kiddush and, anything is better than your old shul. You think to yourself "Why didn't half of the minyan from your old shul separate and make its own shul?". You answer that with "I would probably fight with them either way". You are still not so thrilled about this new shul.

So you head out to this new shul on shabbos morning. It occurs to you that this place is a black hatter shul, due to all the black hats. You find your friend, who told you to come, you wait till chazaras hashatz, not too long being that you walked in during baruchu. For some reason, you decide to take the seat of someones makom kavuah (usual seat he prays in). The guy doesn't say anything, rather he stands very, very close to you. Being that the guy doesn't use any deodorant, or cologne, you decide to move only to shoot him a dirty look. The guy intern, waves his smell at you with his hat.

So you pick a new seat. At this new seat you are sitting next to the loudest, worst voiced guy in the shul. Not only is he the loudest worst voice in shul, but he even goes as far as to use the chazans tunes while not pronouncing any of the words. So you are sitting right next to the guy who wont put his lips together on any of the words he says. You wonder to yourself " Is there a guy like this in every black hat shul? (the truth is, there is one in every black hat shul)". You decide to tell the guy off, he responds with an even louder than possible davening. To get back at the guy, you take away the tissue box the guy ever so needs for his drooling mouth (the drooling mouth is caused by not closing his lips as he says the words). Don't think Mister drool faced loud mouth doesn't have a plan, as he begins drool over you. You in return give back the tissue box.

After you are done chazaras hashatz, at which you would have talked to your friend only to be shushed repeatedly by the rabbi, you feel like this shul isn't for you. Leining is over, and you are thankful that a fight didnt start out over hebrew names. Your friend decided to request hagbah for you, you would have told him no, but whats done is done. After leining you get up there to do your thing. You say to yourself "this Torah isn't so hard, plus its pretty much even on both sides". You take the atzai chaim and thrust the Torah up in to air.

As you are turning around, to show off how well you did the job and how many columns you got, there is a guy behind you who starts to grab on to the Torah where ever he can. You tell him to stop, its going to fall, but the guy is to worried you don't have control of the Torah he tells you. You tell him repeatedly "hagbah isn't that hard I got, I got, your making it worse. He tells you "sit down already I don't want to fast 40 days!". The hagbah freak is now pushing you into a seat, and now guy who doesn't use deodorant is getting into the mix, you lose your balance and now the Torah falls. Everybody is shocked to see what happens.

Instant turmoil begins to erupt. People are screaming, the Rabbi runs to pick up the Torah, children are screaming for their mothers, a fire has broken out, how you do not know. One guy is trying to sneak his way out of shul so its as if he doesn't need to fast forty days, someone else jumps out the window in an attempt to do the same. A different guy punches you in the face and says "I cant fast 40 days I'll starve to death". You tackle j=him and scream back "you can eat at night, and its not my fault, its the hagbah freaks fault". Another guy knocks you off him and shouts back "I am not Muslim, I don't celebrate Ramadan" You scream back "they all eat in the bathroom anyway, don't you know?" another guy hits your friend over his head with a chair. You charge at the guy for hitting your friend. Now the shul is in complete chaos, everybody is hitting everybody. Loud mouth drool guy is coming after you, along with makom kavua guy. The fire that started before, is now getting bigger, everyone is forced evacuates the shul.

The screaming continues as the police come. They decide to arrest only you, on the charges of assault, damaging holy articles, and holy sites. As you are being carted off, you think to yourself, "That idiot if only he would have let me be, and now I have to fast in prison &*$%^&*@ " You curse out everything (mister loud drool face) and everyone (makom kavua guy and hagbah freak) that have made your shabbos a difficult one, and swear to never set foot in that now burnt down shul.

So this shabbos, people, be thankful your shul is..... no....no... there is no moral to this story, too bad.

THE CHALLAH THIEF

It was in a unmentionable place where it happened. The scene: My mother buying challah, a cart that cant fit through all the aisles and the challah thief.

It was today, a Friday, that it happened. My mother was out buying challah in Mountain fruit, she doesn't like water challah only egg and round, She picks up the last two chalot of that kind. As she was going around another aisle, with her cart unattended (something that should never be done in Jewish stores) due to small aisles, a person went to her cart took out one of her good challos and put in a lesser quality challah instead. My mother only noticed that she now had the wrong type of challah when she came to the register.

This person had the chutzpah to take out something from another cart, and not only that, but to switch it with another one, that's absurd. I understand if you by mistake added something to someone elses cart, you get confused it happens, but this person is just wrong. Something tells me that its not the first time they did it.

So watch out all you unmentional place goers, there is a challah thief (I will find out who you are). If you have any information at all (not giving you the name of the store so I am making it kind of hard), don't keep it to yourself, contact us with a comment below, you can keep yourself anonymous if you'd like.

WHAT TYPE OF JEW AM I?

All my life I haven't really known what I was; I always knew I was Jewish, but what type of Jew was I? Ashkenazi or sfardi? that one I answered; I am an ashkenazi and sphardi, I observe both minhagim somehow.

But what type of Jew am I? At the young age of five years old, I came to the realization that my family wasn't like all the other frum families the Morahs spoke about. When I was at some other young age I had a friend, this friend was a real frummie. One day he asked me am I frum, I did not know what frum meant, (I thought it meant that you are a mean/bad person) so I told him no, then I asked what it meant. Shortly after I started seeing less and less of him, till the point that I never did. I knew I was not like his family, and I learnt I am frum, but what type? After many years I decided to take the test and here are my results (I barely passed, nothing over 66%).

Left Wing Modern Orthodox:27% Right Wing Modern Orthodox:63%

Left Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:66% Right Wing Yeshivish/Chareidi:41%

The Orthodoxy Test says that I'm Huh?

What does it mean? I give up. What are you?





And the search continues, but I will always be Jewish

THE EVENT

That's right, I finally got around to writing about THE EVENT. So once again the famed Lipa Shmeltzer is going at it again, with his new event, "The Event". I have just a few questions. The Event sounds a little weird, don't ya think. I understand Big Event, its just one of the big events going on in the world. But The Event? that seems very in your face, as in the only event worth going to all year, is the super bowl not an event enough to be THE EVENT?

I would buy tickets to go, but I am afraid I wont get my moneys worth. Let me explain. Whats stopping it from being banned like the BIG EVENT? Is there anything different than the last one? Its in the same place, and almost on the same date. The rabbanim (or frum Mafia) will somehow put a stop to it, and then I will lose my money. Or does the fact that he named his last album Poshiter Yid make him all humble, and then his event wont be canceled.

No one really knows why his big event last year was canceled. It was in the paper for the next few weeks on why the rabbanim banned him. Something about fake signatures, or not knowing at all about what they were signing, and there was supposed to be a meeting to discuss it, which never ended up happening, and it was banned anyway. Some say the secret Frum Mafia got behind it, and put a stop to him for an unknown reason (did he not want to give them a 25% cut?). Who's to say it wont happen again; therefore, I am not going to buy a ticket to his concert.

What ever the case maybe, I think that Lipa made the wrong choice about making another EVENT. I also think that he made a bad choice with the name he picked for it, but Lipa is Lipa and it somehow all works out the Lipa way.

THE DENTIST OFFICE FROM..... choose your own words (plural).

On Friday I had a dentist appointment (I brush my teeth regularly so I don't have to worry much). As I know, the dentist waiting room is meant to wait a long time, so I decided to bring my Ipod with all 17 songs (1 hour and 25 minutes worth of music. 5 multiply it by 17). The appointment was set for 11AM. I got there at 11:05, to be exact. I signed in and sat down to wait. I got my X-rays within minutes. I noticed something weird, all the women, when finished their appointments, went to the bathroom. I also noticed that people who walked in after me, and signed in after me, went before me. So I walked up to the secretary to see whats going on. Turns out I was behind one person. Then it turned out I was behind one person for an 1 hour and 20 minutes. When the clock hit 12 I was wondering what is taking so long. At 12:30 I was pissed off because my Ipod battery died before, and now I was staring into space bored out of my mind. So after getting in at 11 AM, my appointment actually started at 12:50, and I was out of there by 1 PM.

Turns out I need to start flossing (when don't they tell you that), otherwise I was good to go, and my wait was for nothing. What I couldn't believe next was, when I was leaving I asked, why it took such a long time. They answered that I came at 11:30 and I got in at 12:30. I showed them the sign in sheet and... lets just say they wished they never spoke, and they were so wrong about 12:30.

That's hopefully my last experience with that dentist office.