MIKE IN ISRAEL

Summer Is a great time for vacations. So I am going to be in Israel for the month of July. I will not post or comment back for the month, but when I come back I will hopefully have a lot more for everyone to enjoy. I will most probably play Jewish Geography more than I usually do since I am going to be in Israel. The food will be great, can't wait for the rain free warm sunny weather. I do plan on climbing Masada which I hear they redid. I also will get to witness the Chareidim throwing rocks at cars on Shabbos.

The only part I hate is the plane ride. Well not the whole ride but the taking off part. I seriously do not like it. When I take off, I grab both arm rests and hold firm. My hand is sweating from all pressure I cause myself. Once were in the air I am okay unless we are going through turbulence. I am not one of those people that get up all the time and constantly annoy the person next to them by doing this. Nor am I the person who fears that a bird will fly into the engine. In fact I feel safer on a plane than I do in a car. (once the plane is in the air).

Getting back to the point. I will not be visiting this site in July unless a rare occasion pops up. You could visit and go over old stuff. See you all in late July. SHALOM.

P.S. I will post about shul politics after I come back.

A BIG MISTAKE

I had recently made a big mistake on my blog. You may not have noticed it but I changed my template on Thursday night. I thought I needed a little change so I looked around on a site for a new one. I saw one that shows a light and the sky (the light being the sun). It looked great (I thought) so I decided to put it up. It happens to be that when I changed the template I lost everything besides my posts, comments and profile with its picture.

After I saw my mistake and noticed the template (background for those who don't know what a template is) didn't look as great as I pictured, I decided to change it back. It took quite a while to remember everything I had so I might be missing somethings. The only one I know who could have seen it was http://fruminsouthflorida.blogspot.com/ A.K.A. Mak she commented in the time I was changing it. You may see that the "words from Mike" are different and I might be missing someone from the "other sites I visit". Other than that things are good on my end. Lets hear some of your blogging mistakes.

STAIN

Its a beautiful day outside. You decide to go onto your porch with a nice cup of lemonade to relax.You soak in the view of a crystal clear blue sky. You reach for your refreshing cup of lemonade and you put it to your lips and Hey I dont feel anything going into my mouth. Then you realize it spilled on your nice light colored shirt.

You at first are in amazement that you actually pulled that act off. Then you watch as the stain is now setting in. you rush to get a rag or napkin to wipe it off. You look in the kitchen opening shelves and closets quickly. You look down at the stain as if you were just shot and looking for help to stop the bleeding. You find the "help" you need and you are now rubbing at that stain rapidly.Your method doesn't work all to well, too bad you don't have one of those tide pens that clean stains instantly. (and you thought you would never need one).

So now you don't want to keep that shirt because you have unclean shirt phobia. Also what will people think of you if you have an unclean shirt. The only way an unclean light colored shirt is going to pass as okay, is if you are a Yeshiva Bochur with Cholent stains, tzitzis hanging out, and your hat sideways, but you are not one of them so forget it. Lucky for you, you are somewhat optimistic so you think that it was a good thing it happened when no one was around. You end up changing your shirt to a non light colored shirt and feel good about the fact that you ruined your favorite light colored shirt....NOT IN PUBLIC.

This post was inspired yesterday in middle of another post. Maybe you know why.

NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT

The following was inspired by a true story:

There I am sitting in front of the computer at my desk. I go to my blog Mikeinmidwood. (if you didnt know what site your on here it is). I check the comments and then check the "Other sites I visit". I think I need to write a post but what? I click on new post and I just sit there waiting for something new or a good idea to come up. Hmmm.....sports, nah! I dont talk about sports. I dont want to do another Shadchan post for a while either. What, what is there what is there to write about.

So I just sit there for a while looking at a blank screen. (almost blank). (Speculating) How does http://frumsatire.net/ put up so much? Its like he has so much time on his hands to find these things. anyway I got to think of a post. Oh! Ill look at my labels and see if they give me an idea. Nope nothing there. Will I run out of things to write very soon?

I could make "a you write your own post post". It could work as I just put up a post saying in the comments write your own post on anything. That wouldnt be a bad idea so if you want in this posts comments write you own post. Its for the people who have a blog but they want to write something that wont fit with thier blog. Anyway, then I start thinking of the weirdest topics. Usually those weird topics dont make it in but this time it did.

Finally, inspiration has occured, with blazing speed I type up the new post. ( I am actually a pretty slow typer). Its called I just had nothing to write about so I decided to put up a post where I have nothing to write about. (Just this second while writing this post I got an idea for a new one sometime with in the next 24 hours it will be up).

There is a post I wanted to write but I didnt have enough information and is being worked on in my head its called "SHUL POLITICS". If anyone would like me to post about something comment about it and I will try.

A JEW THING

Have you ever noticed while on a train that only the Jews tangle their own feet together. It occurred to me some time ago and it has been proven over and over again. Is it because the non Jews cross their fingers so we cross the feet? Its not putting one foot over the other or one knee over the other. Its positioned with your legs straight and just one foot over the other. Its not in a relax position its in a "keep it all to yourself" position. The reason maybe that we just want to stay away from people so we are blocking ourselves with are intertwined feet. There could be many more psychological reasons.

Another thing I noticed is that Chassidim push and shove. I cant stand it. Its really annoying when you're in a crowded area and the guy with a bekishe and curled peyos is shoving me into someone. I daven in a Chassidish shul in boro/borough park once in a while. I seriously hate it when I get pushed around. Even the little children knock your feet out of the way.Someone is got to teach them manners and then we wonder why there is antisemitism. I personally say excuse me I will never push someone to get to were I want.

These are just some things I find in the Jewish world we live in. Do you have any more I would like to hear them.

On a side note its http://frumsatire.net//JEWISH COMEDY 2 year BLOGAVERSARY !!!!!! :;";"~'';';`':'::'''':;;'`,.^*`~~";''; (confetti)

THE SHADCHANS FAULT (update on last post)

It seems that many people have caught on that you can learn and work. Which until recently didn't exist in peoples minds. I have read in the Jewish press (GASP!) that people want an LE ("learner earner"). Now its all the shadchunim's fault they didn't exist. They are telling the guys who want to be an LE that no girl would want them. Then they go to a girl looking to purchase an LE and say there is no such kind of person in stock.

In the article IM YIRTZEH HASHEM (by you) There is a person there looking for an LE. The Shadchun tells her "There is no such thing "either go find a Kollel boy (who only learns does no work) or go settle for a modern boy" ( who doesnt learn and only works or doesn't even work). Why is it that marrying someone who wants to learn and work is impossible to find?

I guess its a conspiracy of the shadchun. When someone becomes a shadchun you have to sign a contract that the only people you work with are the ones that learn and have nothing to do with being able to live with the money they make. Also this person has to have support from there parents otherwise they are disqualified. Going to college is another thing that disqualifies you. So in the end the only way to get a shidduch is to be the perfect person with no variety of different people. Its like you try one and you tried em' all.

It happens to be that in another article in the Jewish Press also talks about the same concept. The REBBETZINS VIEWPOINT had someone write that no "good girl" wants to marry him and he is an LE. I don't know where this person got his perspective but I have a clue. (see upper portion). The Rebbetzin wrote back that there are many "good girls" that want an LE and that she knows them and they want to contact this person. I can see it now the Shadchuns plot of a shidduch crisis is now collapsing.

I conclude that the Shidduch crisis was (I say "was" since it should end now) all the shadchuns fault. We just have to realize that there are people out there that can fit the "new" category of "learner earner" and I promote this new category. A shadchan should allow people to be an LE not against it. Why they are someone please explain. :)

COLLEGE IS ASSUR

I have never seen a problem with going to college. And yet so many people say that if you go to college you not religious. You have to stay and learn otherwise your life is ruined. I don't see whats wrong with getting ready to make a living. Its better than learning and having absolutely no money to make ends meet.

The shadchunim are the worst "So are you going to learn or work?" If you work you have a great chance of the shadchun not considering you to anyone. Also you have a good chance of waiting till 25 to get married. So instead of having a shadchun you go on JDate or frumster which really doesn't help much.

They say there is really something wrong with not learning and recently I heard that becoming a rebbi is not considered learning either. Who made up this crazy rule book!! where everything has to be perfect and money is over flowing like a very hot pot with water in it and steam (being money) coming out. This just doesn't happen. In the end you are going to have to work anyway since you cant learn forever. Someone who wants to learn after they are done working like in the evening isn't good enough.

Its funny how everything must be perfect. Even people are now perfect. You hear someone say "I went out with a typical BY girl/Yeshiva bochur" and they say it not only about one person but many. It doesn't stop there, no way. They say they went out with 3 people they all had the same idea of where they are headed in life and came from the same background. This perfect world is not perfect and everyone is the same.

So about college being assur. I am not criticizing anyone for not going but rather the reason they aren't. Some don't go because they have life set out for them and what they are going for doesn't need college (a shochet,Rabbi,Teacher,Social worker) so I am not out to get you here. There are others that say "College is for goyim" (in a derogatory way THEY say goyim) and are trying to fit into this category of typical Yeshiva bochur/BY girl, it is also a form of peer pressure.

In a good many years from now our Jewish economy will collapse because fewer and fewer people are getting jobs (REAL JOBS) and we wont be able to support those who learn. Yeah I am bringing out the Yissachar and Zevulun point. There are people that are meant to support those who learn. That's the reason why people have to go to college to learn some sort of profession and get a good job. OH! I forgot something really important. There are many non workers who call those who do work... NOT FRUM!!! WHY is all I'm asking why are they not frum. is it because they are actually doing there part in life? Besides just saying they are not frum they are disrespecting those who are donating money to a Kollel so you can sit and learn. And that goes back to the Yisachar Zevulun thing. I think I end it here before I give myself a heart attack. (Deep breath... just take deep breaths).

CHEAP OR SMART?

Have you ever heard the saying that Jews are cheap? Or that throw a penny between two Jews and watch them fight for it. (DISGUSTING!) I have been around to stores and just to prove that we aren't cheap I don't take the extra change. I was on the city bus and someone on purpose left a penny on there seat. It was the only seat left, so I brushed off the penny and sat down. Do I have to go out of my way t0 prove that we aren't cheap?

Yes, many people wont just throw money around and they try to get a discount. Its not because they are cheap. It is because they are smart and don't waste money. I am not trying to say that every single Jew out there is not cheap. I guess there has to be some that are. If anything its those Indians behind the counter that are cheap.

Just today I was in 7-ELEVEN buying a Slurpee. My friend paid for his with a ten. I paid exactly 1.18$. One thing about the Slurpee's is they have gone up in price since the beginning of this year. It used to be 1.07 then went up 2 cents and then another nine. I personally don't care it just come to show everything is on the rise. Anyway So I thought that the guy behind the counter didn't take my dollar. There was a dollar right in front of me on the counter so I pushed it to him. Then my friend asks me if that was mine I said I was pretty sure. My friend then takes out his change he got and asks is that dollar his. The Indian there, is being a wise guy and says "It could be the stores". So my friend ask how much was his Slurpee to see if he has the right amount. The Indian being a piss off says "I don't know." How can you say I don't know. What person in there right mind could even think of something like that especially when you are selling them all day long. (I would curse right now but am holding it in). Seeing that we aren't going to get anywhere we leave. It ended up being the Slurpee was 1.51 and he stole that dollar.

Maybe that wasn't being cheap but I know it was outright stealing. I could go on and on about this, I just rather keep it for another time.

WEATHER OR NOT

You walk outside your house on a cloudy shabbos day. You take a look up in the sky and its pretty dark. You think, do I need a raincoat or not. Probably no since its been like this all day long its going to hold off and its just to hot to wear one. The last answer is not a great one since you rather boil then be sopping wet. You anyway convince yourself not to bring one even though you might regret it. If only you could turn on the radio to find out the weather for that night. (the weather is usually not how they predict).

So you march on out to shul in the humidity, with your hat and jacket. As you are walking you hear a sound in the air. Is it thunder or just an airplane flying above? You then are looking around for any sign of rain. You sniff the air and smell the fragrance that comes before the rain. Instantly you feel a drop on your hand. No it cant rain, I just bought this new hat. Great now its gonna get ruined, is your reaction.

You walk in a brisk pace hoping to beat out the harder rain to come. The rain is more consistent now. A huge flash of lightning STRIKES in to the sky, within seconds there is a great rumble. You try to saying the bracha on the lightning and thunder but you just cant remember it. The wind is picking up threatening to topple all the trees. The rain is now at its hardest. You are running very quickly. Fighting verses the heavy wind and bullets of rain, your new and expensive hat blows away. You chase after it, splashing your way through giant puddles your hat went through already. Another flash of lightning streaks across the sky. You grab your now "shmattah" and place it on your head.

Three kids are screaming as they pass you by and are running for shelter. Across the street is someone with an umbrella blown with its inside out. Another person is running with a newspaper over there head. You are running just to make it to shul with absolutely nothing on you're back besides your suit jacket. Its good, at least your jacket is getting wet not you or Shoots you're jacket is getting wet. (Thanks Child Ish for clearing that one up).

You finally make it into the shul drenched. You are not too happy with your brilliant decision to not bring a jacket. Your friend walks in also pretty wet and says to you "lucky for me I was about to just step outside and it started pouring So I brought a jacket". This only further enrages yourself. With every step you take you feel the water in your shoes squeezing into your socks. (awful feeling I know).

You have just went through Gehenom on earth. Your last hope is that you dont have to run back in the same weather. Hopefully you dont have to,better pray well by mincha.

Yes, this past Shabbos I experienced some of this. If I did not pass my friend and ask to come inside, it could have been this case. (lucky me). I knew it was going to rain but I left my jacket in shul from shavous the first night so I guess I was not so lucky. May we all be Zocheh not to be stuck in the rain in that situation.

POMEGRANATE

On the corner of AVE. L and Coney Island AVE. there is a new store opening. Its name is Pomegranate. I don't think I could pick a better name for it. Its just Pomegranate no special reason for it. Maybe "The Pomegranate" would be better, but what would it symbolize. Besides that its got its name in big red letters with a picture of a pomegranate on it and for some odd reason they put up their address 1507 in big red letters too, probably so you don't forget where they are located.

Where it is located used to be many different stores. One was "THE BIGGEST PESACH STORE EVER". (that's its name that whole capitalized thing). It was opened all year long. That's a good reason why it closed down. Before that there was a sukkah store it also shut down for the same reason. You are most likely thinking "no it was sukkah store half the year and the other Pesach" well sorry these stores were opened for at least a whole year both. (not together, independently)

About this new store Pomegranate, I don't have a clue what is going to be. I am getting tons of different information about it and each person is telling me about how they "personally" know the owner. They give me a gantze megillah about how the know a guy who knows another guy who has a brother that went to the country with another guy who knows the owner of this place, and I'm wondering how they personally know him.

So one person says its a mall with a bunch of little Jewish stores in it. Another says its a big supermarket like Walmart. Once I got this answer that its going to be this huge complex, with a grocery store in it and a fleishig restaurant with a bakery and a Dougies or another famous Jewish eatery and probably a sweet choice (which is right next door anyway). This last one I am doubting but who knows.

I usually am not the one to know things right away.There are those who do, they are the machers I am not one. Does anyone really know what its going to be? and please state a source from where you know it. With a name like Pomegranate you never know what its going to be.

THE "CRISIS" CRISIS

An all to common word used by us Jews to describe anything gone just a little out of balance and make it blown up into one of the worst things so you think all is lost. That word (as stated above) is "CRISIS". Yes CRISIS is a crisis and one day it will consume just about everything we say.

I call it the "CRISIS CRISIS". (which is extremely hard to say 10 times fast)...(did you try it now?) We have too many things with "CRISIS" THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS, THE BUGS IN WATER CRISIS, STRAWBERRY CRISIS, INTERMARRIAGE CRISIS,even a YESHIVA CRISIS,and one day maybe a genetic pig CRISIS(see frum skeptic for details). (please forgive me if I forgot any of these extremely important CRISIS'S). Cant we find a better word for it than CRISIS. A "difficulty" would be nice to have, then maybe we can find a solution for it or a "problem" that is better than having a "crisis".

THE YESHIVAH CRISIS is not one at all. The most it could be is that some people cant afford tuition and get a break of some sort. The crisis business starts from one person writing about it in the newspaper so word gets out and then everyone thinks its the worst thing ever in Jewish history. I think I will try my hand at this Crisis stuff. (watch out it could become a real CRISIS).

THE HEAT WAVE CRISIS: too many heat waves are causing us to use more energy and pay more on the electric bill, how will we afford the GAS CRISIS which is a real crisis. Someone start a tzedakah for this.
As I stated before the CRISIS CRISIS: The word crisis is used to describe disastrous things. Websters dictionary or some other, defines crisis as "a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change".That is not what we call a crisis. Our definition is used for any minor thing and yet it has the same meaning and power of the normal crisis definition. Someone please explain.

We have used it too much and now have worn out the word it . I myself have used it a numerous amount of times through out this post. Its time to give it a rest and bury the word for it has served its purpose and went way beyond the call of duty or definition.

THE GAME OF CONVERSION

As I walked down a block on the hottest Shavous eveR. I couldn't understand two things. One how could these kids I see be plAying outside in this weather. Two they were playing the game of conversion! on Shavous the day we got the Torah. This game is also known as Galachim which means Christian priests.

The game is seTup by having two BaseS on two sides. Everyone is on the sIde except the "Galach" in the middle. The object is to run from one side to the other with out being tagged by the Galach, kind of like tag.(why anyone would run from base I don't know). If you are tagged by the priest then you are "converted" and are now the Galachs helper. The Galachs helpers job is to grab/jump on to people running from one base to the other. That usually ends up ripping peoples shirts due to the kid struggling to be break free. The Galach will come by and tap the kid and they also become "converted".

I remember playing this when I was younger, along with cops and robbers and freeze tag.(memory) Ahh (not ahhhh!! that would be a scream) such stupid times I had. Though the game doesnt have much to do with its name there is something not right about . Maybe we can have a more kosher named games then this. Got any Ideas?

JEWS AND BAGELS

The great stereotype is that Jews love bagels. It happens to be that we do. The reason may lie in the fact that you could put just about anything on a bagel. There is lox, tuna, cream cheese, cream cheese and lox, and probably more things to put on a bagel besides these. Then there is what type of bagel you could have plain, poppy seed, onion (I think its an onion roll) , and an everything bagel. with so many choices how could you not want one?

The origin of lox was in Europe. It came with the herring which I love. These two go hand in hand, herring comes by a kiddush and the lox come by the 3rd meal on shabbos. (shalosh seudos or shalish shudis which ever you prefer). There are great bagel stores in Brooklyn. There is Ave. M bagels on Ave. M. Then there is Bagel hole on 15th and J also one on coney and K. On a normal morning/ right before noon, Bagel hole is packed but the wait is worth it since they got the best tuna around. I also hear Brooklyn Bagels tuna is good but I never tasted it.

Many times the service is terrible. You could be waiting even though there is no one on line. Someone shows up and asks you what you want. They then leave you waiting, thinking they are going to get what you asked for. Someone else shows up behind the counter and asks you the same thing.(a lot of possibilities end up from here). You end up waiting 10 minutes from your busy lives from what could have been only two. These places also have the most health violations.

I was once in a store and I asked for a cream cheese bagel. Then I said "can I have olives with it" The guy says "NO!". What kind of person says no. Its not like there wasnt any olives right there, but yet he still said no. I was thinking I should say "Okay then I am not buying it". I just didnt feel like saying that. (was I being nice or lazy?) Anyway, I am not going there again.

If you are ever at a siyum you know the main thing serve is bagels with tuna or lox spread. This only proves my bagel theory. There is even blogs with bagels in their names. For example, Bagel blogger and Krum as a bagel. Some people take the whole Jews and bagels shinanugin too far but it does exist. (Shavous is great for bagels with cream cheese, its Milchig).

KIDDUSH: IS BEING NICE A GOOD THING?

You have been waiting for this about 2 hours. It may even be the reason you came to shul. Now they are at the end of davening just finishing up Aleinu, oh wait! They need to say Anim Zemiros and this shul also says tehillim for the lost soldiers in Israel. (really in Gaza slash Iran slash Syria, yes my slash button works). You just cant stand it any longer and the guys from the kiddush club are long gone. (too bad you weren't invited). Finally you are done and you and the wave of people are now rushing into the kiddush room. You take a smell of whats there and quickly eye all the tables searching for what you want. You have spotted it and rush to a table dodging people on the way you have seen your prey like an eagle finding its lunch swooping in on that worm. You reach for some kugel and you see another hand coming into the scene.

Now you have to stop and think, do I be nice and let them go first or say "wait your turn there is enough for everyone" (which is not true). While you were just thinking the other person got it first and now you are being swept into the tide of people. Time is ticking, you struggle to get back to whats rightfully yours if only you learnt how to swim through crowds. All of a (the) sudden you prayers you said all day before getting into this mess are answered. You would jump for joy but would risk losing your goal so you don't. The current you have been fighting has subsided. You take a look at the tray where there once was something but it is now desolate. You are angry at yourself why did I think, never think before you act is your new motto. You could (and probably would) kick yourself but you are not that stupid. Now you sulk and begin to think you're prayers were in vain and you grab a paper plate and stick on some sponge cake. You solemnly wait for the Rabbi to make kiddush and maybe have some Pepsi/coke/sprite/or any other fizzy drink like seltzer. You say to yourself "don't worry you'll gettem next week you'll get em"

There are two types of kiddushes. One is a buffet style and is based on survival of the fittest. Being that we are Jews and don't believe in that, there is another style kiddush. You grab a seat and wait for the food to come to you and it is in the same room you davened in that you eat. (your actually sitting down in this one). In this type of kiddush you should sit in a strategic place to get what you want. This is done by sitting next to someone who can get things to your table the fastest, because he knows the guy who is bringing things out. Or you sit near the door and always get first.

Now here is where you need to think can I be nice or do I be mean. You did not sit in a strategic seat and therefore you have a scarce amount of Chulent. There is a few scoops left in the Bowl. If you are nice and hand it down to the person two seats away which doesn't seem so bad. If you are mean, the person will think you cant wait a few seconds and probably make a whole big fuss. (you might think I am joking but it happens all the time). Anyway you put it you are most likely doomed. So you rather be nice and take a chance. It has now passed from your possession onto others. OTHERS?, Wait!!! Oh no you only wanted to give it to one person now it became a few. You would have protested saying "I was next" but since it happened to quickly for you to realize and you sort of expected this you get nothing.(Don't worry I feel for you). Now you have to wait for more to come.(if there is any more left).

A kiddush is a harsh environment no matter what type. With life changing decisions behind every piece of kugel or chulent bowl, you never know what to do. So instead skip kiddush ( I am now considered an apikoris) and head straight to the meal. Why be saddened by the horrors of kiddush (unless to you its fun because you get everything) Its better without it and therefor "I hereby ban all kiddushes from any religious Shul".(so now I am not an apikoris I am machmir)