THE REAL YESHIVISH LOOK

Although Yeshivos have been around for quite a long time, the style for one who goes there has has hit rock bottom only now, and in a culture full of fashion. Why did that happen? If it would have been 200 years ago where no one had enough money, I would understand why, but for it to happen now, that's ridiculous. I guess you could say that a yeshiva is a place for people to be different then the culture around them, so they must have a horrible style in an age of fashion.

What makes a yeshiva bochur, look like a real yeshiva bochur? and I'm not talking about the ones who must have 100$ shirts.

Your white shirt can only be white for, the first hour you wear it coming out of the dryer, and no it doesn't get ironed so its all wrinkly. After a full days work, your white shirt should be either gray, or stained with coffee or an assortment of liquidy foods, for example: chulent. Your shirt must be tucked half in to your pants, all the time. Sleeves are never buttoned, or cuffed, or even rolled up, especially when eating.

Your Tzitzis are the whitest part of your attire, chas v'shalom you have gray ones, otherwise your a goy, because everyone knows only goyim have gray tzitzis. You must have the thick woolen tzitzis, with it always hanging out. It depends on who if the tzitzis are out neatly or not. The neat way is with it hanging out from the belt, which is the only part of you're attire that looks superb, and the not neat way is for it too be very loose, and you can see the actual tzitzis garment hanging out.

Shoes cant have any laces, if they do you are wasting time from learning by tying them. Black shoes are the only type allowed in yeshivos, and no sneakers (sneakers need laces, see lace rule).

Your pants have to be either too long or too short, and the they wouldn't stay on you if it weren't for the belt.

I seem to think that with out The Belt, a yeshivah bochur cant make it with this look ( or get to the verrazano bridge), it helps the tzitzit, and it keeps the pants on. And when he is older and has a cell phone it could clip right on, that way he'll be able to text when ever he has a seder. I think it should be called the multi utility belt, like batman has. Batman also has the black color to his suit, like a yeshivah bochur (is batman a yeshivah bochur?).

The Jacket: One of these things should last on a bochur for almost for ever, and it will always be small on you. This jacket was an old shabbos suit jacket, and now has become the yeshiva jacket, because of a new shabbos jacket that came in because the one you were wearing (which is your new yeshivah jacket) was too small for shabbos, hence it will always be too small. This will, and should, never be taken off you, whether it be in the bathroom, or hot as hell outside, the jacket stays on. You are required by no law to wear it all the time, but you do anyway, also it has to have some stains, and its never washed.

Your hat for yeshiva cant be of any sale value, in other words, it has to be junk. The characteristics they must have is, the ability to be smashed, mailed in an envelope, then pressed by a very dusty rock, and all it needs is one bang and a punch, and its as good as it was before you did this process. Usually worn upward because if it to be worn with the brim down, it would look like the junk that it is.

This is the real yeshivish look, but you cant just look the look to be a yeshiva bochur, although you can fool many, but you still have to talk the talk, and walk the walk of a real yeshiva bochur to be one.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THINGS TO RUN

In the recent time I have noticed how things have been slowing down in the Jblogosphere, either that or I am missing out on all the fun somewhere else.

The Babysitter has committed blog suicide, but not before she split her blog life in half as the Jewish side, and has lived on from there. This can only be done through special kabbalistic methods, or just reading harry potter books 6 and 7. But due to the fact that she drained a lot of herself, through this, she has been visiting each blog less.

Speaking about reincarnation and that sort, Reincarnated Sally has had some some changes to her too, but don't worry, it was only her blog template. Nothing slowing down for her, maybe her kids are making it hard for her. Frum satire is also busy fixing his template, no time for me huh.

Frum Punk has decided that, being a frum punk cant last much longer in today's society. He has been on a blogcation looking for his new self, he just cant be a punk any more, and therefore he has stopped blogging for quite a while.

Moshe, who used to be a big commenter has slowed down too, but you cant blame him, he either still has a hangover from Purim (and probably will again on pesach with the 4 cups), or he is very busy taking care of his new child.

Our favorite right winger "Frum skeptic" has the privilege to be engaged, and now has slowed down on her blog. And another one to get engaged, with the same effects, was "sporadic intelligence" who used to preach about how getting engaged meant seclusion from the world, and how right she is.

The subjugated wife also had a simchah, her new child, she has been out for quite a while.

While all the people who claim to be different, Blob of something different and the people behind Not just typical, end up having the same problem, no inspiration. Hey that never stopped me.

Brain Exposed is recuperating from chemotherapy, or was it radiation? Welcome Balance is trying to walk again. Little frumhouse on the prairie (shes a guest only site, didnt know till I tried to link), got lost like a little needle in a haystack. Brooklyn north pleaded the fifth, and Daughter in the parshah has got stuck with facebook.

Guess who is too busy competing with material maidel and her recipe blog, both have been lights out on the comments.

Nameless Faceless at the beginning was 8 posts a day, and now she is up to 1 post in 8 days.

Frum college girl only writes when she has college, which I would say is harder to do, less time. And what happens once she finishes college?

Dude with hat aka. Bts, aka, Baal teshuvah slowly, emphasis on the slowly, but don't forget to put a period between baal teshuvah and slowly.

Jacob Da Jew, is trying to still be the dude, and judging by the robe, the dude is very lazy and has almost no time for a visit.

Lion Of Zion and lakewood falling down, who knows whats with them.

Wolfish musings has been to busy telling people, why he believes to not believe that you need full proof to believe. When you figure that one out you'll understand why he has no time lately.

And thats how the kosher cookie needs to make a new batch, because they all crumbled, and she has no time for blogging, and A mother in Israel has been so up against getting ready for pesach, she hasn't stopped writing about it coming (now your in this edition, so please no complaining) she also slowed down.

And then there are those that are faithful and comment, write, every day. Whether that means its stupid, or they will get burnt out quickly, I respect that. So here's to the Talmudist, frum single female, The creedmorer guy, and Honestly Frum.

Yes this could be said as another excuse for comments, or you could say its, shhhh dont tell anyone, my shortened version haveil haveilim #3. Hope all you all enjoyed.

SHABBOS GREETING AWKWARDNESS

We know how to greet someone on shabbos; the other person is two cement boxes away, about 4 feet, that makes you actually able to look like you are greeting the other person, (not screaming) and giving them a chance to say good shabbos back before passing you. Then there are the times that things go wrong, or awkward occurrences, that sprout from this common occurrence.


Lets say you are walking, and you notice the person coming towards you. In fact they notice you too. You cant just look away, that seems weird. You cant look at the person the whole time till they pass you, that's also weird. Some people will try the look down trick, or the "I am looking straight ahead passed you" look, which never really helps. So as you both are walking towards each other, it gives a weird feeling inside both of you, till you say good shabbos. Another thing you don't want to do, which I find annoying, is right before you pass the other person you cross the street, and in affect, nullifying theirs and your shabbos greeting requirement. Don't do that because I was just about to say it and you walk away, it creates an awkward feeling in me and you, probably, too.

Some times you just aren't sure if you say good shabbos or Shabbat shalom, for example if you think the person is Sephardic, maybe a shabbat shalom is necessary. Then it happens where you cant tell if the person is Sephardic, now you'll never know what to say, and you will always end up looking stupid.


Saying good shabbos to male/female if you are a female/male. This turns out to be a problem only in Brooklyn, because out of town everyone says good shabbos to everyone. If you do say a good shabbos, in Brooklyn, you will probably get a look of astonishment from the other person, which really means "how could you even have the nerve to say good shabbos to the opposite gender", and sometimes you get the invisible look, where the opposite gender pretends you don't even exist. Very rarely, in Brooklyn, will you ever get a good shabbos back.


Many times the people you are greeting will mumble something like "gishbs", which just means they really don't want to say good shabbos. You'll look back at them and wonder, "why couldn't they just say a normal one, am I not worthy enough for one?" Sometimes you will get a nod from people, which I think is better than a "gishbs". For some reason I have never heard anybody say "you too" to a good shabbos, I don't see why it wont work, are you not greeting the person back?

Another weird problem is, you are walking back from shul, for you its after shabbos, the people passing you are on their way to shul, they didn't finish shabbos, or the opposite way around. Do you say "good shabbos", or "gut vuch", you'll never know. On Yom tov it gets harder, what do you say; Gut yuntif, chag sameach, chag kosher v'sameach, Yom Tov (good day)? And on shabbos that falls out on yom tov it gets harder, do you say "good shabbos" first and then the yom tov greeting, or just one them?

Then there is the don't answerer's. These people brush right by you, they also give the "you don't exist" look. That isn't awkward, its just chutzpah.

If you ever pass a group of people: That even you're expert on shabbos greeting etiquette doesn't know what to do. In that case it will always leave you with is an awkward feeling.

Shabbos greetings are just so hard, no wonder people in Boro Park gave up on it.

A CHABAD POST

I am no chabadnick, but I know few things (Fabrengin, see I know something) when it comes to the lubavs. I know that they are the source of the Elders of Zion, going around converting everyone (I know they don't convert people). I know that they wont go day without a cup of vodka. I know they daven real late, 10:00 is the early minyan.

Somethings I love about 770, yeah I've been there, is that, you will never have a permanent seat. First try getting a seat, each one is taken and not given up easily, the place is always packed. Once you get one, don't stand for shemona esray, it will surely be taken. You could do the siddur on the table in front of you trick, to save your seat, your siddur will be taken away. You could even put it on your seat, to try and save it, but when you return to your seat it will be replaced with someone elses hat.

I love kri'yas hatorah, every single aliyah is given to someone getting married that week, which means that after every aliyah candy is thrown for the soon to be chosson. You could have 3 separate minyanim in 770 at one time, for ever chosson to get an aliyah; because, they come from around the globe just to get an aliyah at 770.

But recently after session of throwing candy, one of the candies hit the gabbai in his eye, he is partially blind in it right now, hopefully he will get better soon. He spoke about this to whoever is the head of 770, and they seem to want to get rid of the candy throwing business. I don't think that they need to stop it, how many years is it going on that no one got hurt, one incident is rare, I say don't stop it. But it seems like its going to stop, and one of my favorite lubav past times will drift away.

So what do you say to my first chabad post?

WE'RE #1

If you consider yourself a supporter of the state of Israel, then you have something to cheer about. If you aren't a supporter of Israel, then you can cry in the corner, or protest on the streets; because, Israel has become the number 1 in drone technology, 10 years more advanced then everyone else.

I once read an article that was supposed to show how great Israel is. Basically the article talked about all its technological achievements, and how they ranked up against the world. I didn't finish it because on every achievement they had they had ranked Israel #2 or #3. Can you guess who was #1 on almost every single one...... America, and number 2 sometimes was Canada (Canada and America share a lot of technology systems). I was wondering how this article could be so pro Israel, all it seemed like was it talked about the greatness of America ( Don't get me wrong, I like America, but the article was supposed to about Israel).

But now Israel is truly number 1 in one category (maybe it counts as a few), I better write a letter to that paper.

INCOMING!!!

Thank you for tuning into Mike Tonight, in news tonight.

A new ban is in motion. No one saw it coming, although you should have. The great Rabbonim of Brooklyn have decided to band together, to ban all unyeshivish kippot, in an attempt to stop yeshivah rebels from wearing downsized kippot.

"All religious stores are hereby ordered to rid the shelves of anything less than a size 5 yarmulke", it said on the rabbi signed document. It has been reported that a store in Brooklyn did not comply with the terms, and is being looted as we speak. Are very own David Spiegler is at the scene. "Hi Mike, behind me there is looting at this 18th avenue store. Broken glass, and fire, people have been taking all religious articles ranging from kiddush cups to kosher lamps from this store, all for not ridding itself of size four and down kippot. I spoke to the owner of the store he said he tried to reconsider before the looters took over, he said he will comply from now on". "Thank you David" One Rabbi was recorded saying "The smaller the kippah, the more they smoke; its better to have bigger kippot". We asked civilians on the streets what they think about this, one said "I agree 100%, I only hope it will be a kaporah for k'lal yisroels avonos".

But not everybody is so enthusiastic about this new ban. Some have been setting up a protest, set for next week, to stop this "tragedy", as they call it. One person said "The Rabbonim should be listened to, I believe in da'as torah, but sometimes they are wrong". Some people are afraid that if there aren't any size 2 and 1 kippot, then the yeshivah rebels might not wear any at all, causing them to never stop smoking.

That's it for tonight I'm Mike In Midwood. dunt dunt dunt dunt dunnunununt (backround music).

INSANE, RETARDED, STUPID....PATERSON

This nudnick is giving me a hard time. First he doesn't want me to get fat, then he wants me to use "Eco-friendly" bags, WHATS NEXT?!! I'll tell you whats next, he is making ME (and you) pay for paying taxes.

Who the Heck does this guy think he is? He is in office for less than a year, he got lucky the guy before him was a dope. He is blind in two ways; one he cant really see, and he cant tell where he is leading us. Doesnt he know the worst thing to do right now is take more money out of peoples pockets, we don't feel like spending any more because we have so little. I don't even know why he isn't just taxing obese people if he didn't want people to become fat, don't tax someone who just wants to treat themselves to a little snack!!

Well now he wants people to be taxed for the paper they use, TO PAY THEIR TAXES!! all because they could have used a computer, and even that he is taxing 4 CENTS!!. Who did he hire to think of all theses stupid, yet very inventive, ideas. I don't care about four cents, BUT WHY SHOULD HE!!!?!!! Does anyone else here think that's absurd? I am kind enough to pay my taxes, any you go ahead and tax me for paying it, OXYMORON!! STOP TRYING TO NICKEL AND DIME THE ECONOMY SO YOU CAN GIVE A 17% RAISE TO YOUR STAFF. AAAHHHH!!! CRAZY!!!!

So he thinks he is trying save the economy with his "Eco-friendly" projects, taxing paper or plastic bags for groceries, or taxing using paper to pay taxes; either way that is not being "economically-friendly". One reason why is; all the paper work it will take to pass the law is killing so many precious trees, and second, to document all the taxes it will kill more trees than it saves. Besides, you aren't being "economically friendly" to the economy which just about sucks right now. How about stop taxing everything we buy, and use to buy things with, and people will start buying a little more

He's insane, he's retarded, he's stupid, he's Paterson, and we have to deal with him for a little more.

PESACH AND OCD

We know that many Jews have OCD. Pesach time, is the only time for them to feel normal. Everyone is going crazy to have every book in the house clean, wiping each and every page. The floors are washed and washed again. The carpet is vacuumed by the maid, then the wife, and then a child. The cabinets are sealed because of impurity, with a sign on it saying not to touch it. Some things are sold because you are too afraid to even have it in your possession. Everything you do to clean for Pesach is very OCD friendly, you cant even tell the difference between a normal person and one with OCD. You can say "When it comes to celebrating Pesach everyone does it the same (this is also meant for people not religious)" .

But Pesach may be a reason why people become OCD in the first place. Besides for the fact that Jewish life itself may cause people to become OCD; through, going to mikvos which aren't clean, or because you don't go to mikvos every second it makes you feel unclean, or because Jewish law requires washing and cleansing yourself from the evil spirit (its phrased as evil spirit, though its really just an impurity on your hands) that rests upon you many times (before you eat you waah, when you wake up, etc.etc.etc.).

Well, Pesach requires even more cleaning, and getting rid of impurities, more than any other holiday in the Jewish Calendar. Chametz is referred to as a the evil inclination, which is not allowed to be eaten on Passover. Chametz is found in almost any food, syrup, drink there is. Not only that; but, you must check that you don't have any chametz in your house on Pesach, not even crumbs, in the smallest of corners. Will this not make anyone go crazy cleaning for Passover? it can inject such a fear of this sin; that, people will gain an OCD behavior from this. They will scrub and check countless times, just to make sure they wont have any chametz over passover. They will be very afraid of what they eat during Pesach, for fear that the one who supervises, to make sure its kosher l'pesach, didn't do a good enough job.

Pesach is a rough time of year, but don't let it make you crazy (do a lot of destressers, as told by the Mishpacha magazine ).

KEEPING UP WITH THE MACHMIRS

You live in an area that's very competitive. Most people call it keeping up with the Steins, you call it keeping up with the Machmirs, your next door neighbor (their name means stringent). For some reason you are always one step behind them. For example, they don't eat strawberries, then when you decide to stop also, they go ahead and deem raisins also bad, you used to drink regular water till they only drank filtered, and now you're filter needs filtered water. Everything you do is not good enough.

So last week you decided that you are going to be ahead of the game, you are going to find out first, and they are going to have to copy you, only then will you keep up with the Machmirs. You go to YWN, nope, nothing new (of course you had your non machmir friend print it out for you). Vos iz neias isn't going to have anything more than the the yeshiva's coffee room, so you don't have your friend, whos non machmir, print it out. Finally you spot something, from somewhere else, "Women shouldn't visit the dead, should be quiet and not cry during a eulogy". You say that's perfect for you, but you think its not enough, you have to find more.

So you continue your quest for the most restricted life possible. On your way you over hear a conversation "Did you find that blue blackberry?" one guy says (it was actually you from the post before being spoken to, remember?) "Yes" the other guy says (you from last post). "Well, its mine, it has my name on the bottom of it, so and sostein". The guy who found it wasn't sure if he should give it back. You then thought to yourself that that's an awesome chumrah, and that the Machmirs could never do better than this, you wont give back lost texting machines (yay!). In fact through this you can learn another halachah, you shouldn't have blue blackberries (red ones are learned out from the fact that you cant wear red, so certainly your should not have a red phone, which is worn on your belt).

You run home from your shortened quest to find the most restricted life. You believe Machmir will never beat you, you are so overjoyed. NEXT WEEK (this week): Mr. Machmir comes home with a bottle of four hashgachah milk. Not only that, but it says on it, "Anachnu Machmirim, Machmirim bnei Machmirim (we are stringent, stringent the sons of stringent), this only proceeds to make you feel like he put a knife in you (of course kosher for shechitah) and twisted it (which hurts more).

Moral: Looks like you'll never keep up with the Machmirs.

ANOTHER RANDOM COLLABORATION

Random thought #1.
According to the halachah that you don't have to return lost texting machines, what happens if: You are walking down the street, all of a sudden you see a nice blue blackberry, on the floor. You pick it up remember the halachah and are not going to return it. The someone comes by and asks, "did you find a black blueberry?" you answer "no", he moves on. Then someone comes over and asks, "did you find a blue blackberry?" you say "yes". The guy says "Well I lost it, it has my name on the back, see it says so and sostein (his name)". So the question is, do you not give it back, or do you chas v'shalom (g-d forbid) give back the tumah (impure) machine?

Rabbi Mike will now try to answer: Well in essence you are doing a mitzvah of hashavos aveidah, plus you might be in sakanos nefoshot ( threat of your life) if you dont. On the other hand, the mitzvah of hashavos aveidah maybe a mitzvah that comes through the aveirah of giving it back (it is wrong to do a mitzvah through an aveirah); also it might be worse to give it back, since he will surely kill himself by using the texting machine. Rabbi Mikes psak is a taiku (will find out when elijah the prophet comes).

Random thought #2.
Another useless invention invented by Kosher Innovations. The Machshavah shocker. Have you ever been sitting kollel, (not learning) or were in the outside world not protected by our inner sphere of influence, and have come across thinking of things not in Torah standards (e.g. buying a non-kosher cell phone). Now there is no need to worry, with the Machshavah shocker, if you think outside of Torah standards you will be immediately shocked with over 500 volts of electricity, enough to stop your heart............. from thinking of all these bad things !!!! fits under your hat. Order today! now with a 3 day guarantee, no refunds

Other posts related to this inventive topic: More great inventions, Introducing the latest in technology.

PESACH CRAZINESS

After seeing this on A mother in Israel, I have decided to post it up, it is found in the Mishpacha magazine. Can you guess how many mistakes, or crazy ideas are in this article?

Sunday. Closets and drawers should be done by now. Focus on the living area. Today, strip beds, vacuum mattresses, wash linens and dust ruffles. Next, vacuum and clean under beds. Daily De-Stressor: Weather permitting, take a ten-minute walk around the block. Breathe in the fresh air. If weather doesn't permit, exercise and energize yourself indoors.

Monday. Window day. Clean all windows and sills thoroughly. If windows have alarms, disconnect the system while cleaning. Take down blinds soak in tub, then rehang. Wash all curtain, shades and window dressings thoroughly. Warning: Don’t take apart window treatments unless you’re sure you can rehang them properly. Daily De-Stressor: A cup of your favorite herbal tea. Inhale the aroma and take your time enjoying every sip. Use this downtime to call a friend, but keep your eyes on the clock.

Tuesday. Now’s the time to wrap up all areas in house aside from the kitchen, living room and dining area. If you have a den, home office, family room, laundry area, guest room, or playroom, clean thoroughly. Daily De-Stressor: Do something that makes you feel good. A bath, a nap, a massage, a sheitel cut. Put on a pretty sweater or enjoy a scoop of your favorite ice cream.

Wednesday. Catch-up day. If you haven’t been able to complete the chores of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, here’s your second chance. Daily De-Stressor: For some it’s Lipa, for others Beethoven. Take a break during your cleaning to listen to a favorite, or keep the CD player on while you work. What a difference it will make!

Thursday. Before Shabbos cooking, take inventory of everything in the cabinets, fridge and freezer. It’s time to use it up. Most of us have extra soups, cakes, desserts, pastas, cereals, mixes, sauces, and all kinds of chometzdike products. Work these into your Shabbos menu. When you finally tackle the kitchen, you’ll be glad you did. Daily De-Stressor: Reading’s the all-time Great Escape. By now, you have probably received next week’s issue of Mishpacha. Put your feet up and enjoy your favorite column.

Congratulate yourself. You’ve accomplished a great deal this week. Finish your Shabbos prep and air out the house. After a week of cleaning, it’s time to let in some fresh air. Daily De-Stressor: Go out. A short visit to a local park, a lake, a favorite bookstore, will do wonders.

If you spotted zero, you are just as crazy as the person who wrote this.
If you spotted 1-3, obviously you werent paying attention when you read it.
If you found 4-6, youre doing okay, but reread it again, its already too many, right?
if you found 7-10, you found a lot, but missing one that I found.
If you got found 11+, you know this persons crazy, if you found more than 11 please tell us what they were.

WHAT AM I? CHAMETZ!

Although the phrase is "what am I? chopped liver", but in the spirit of Pesach we can make some changes. So What am I? chametz! it seems like it from the Mishpacha magazine.

The articles in the Mishpacha, a very frum magazine, this past week have talked about Pesach cleaning. Each and every one of theses articles, from what I've heard, spoke about how the mother/wife of the family has to start picking up the pace to be ready for Pesach. They even gave all sorts of tips or de-stressers, to cope with the cleaning for Pesach. This leads me to believe that Mishapcha magazine is extremely frum.

How come they didn't say anything about the father/husband of the family helping out? I know that today I was scrubbing walls and floors, shaking everything to rid them of chametz. I worked hard, and no! I didn't need any "de-stressers". Does the Mishpacha magazine think that the male of the house doesn't help out? In fact the whole cleaning task is primarily on the male of the house, according to the Jewish law. Great rabbis of the past have done the cleaning without their wives help, for fear of them not doing a good enough job. This allows me to conclude that the Mishpacha magazine is really frum, because they think that they know better than rabbis from 2000 years ago who can bring back the dead. They must know that the husband is in kollel learning and too busy to help out; therefore, they only write the articles for the wife.

If you read Mishpacha (I dont), and you are wondering like me why they only talk about the wife, then you are not frum enough to read the Mishpacha. So yes I conclude, I am "chametz" according to the Mishpacha magazine.

ITS BEEN A WHILE

I cant remember what the last ban/chumrah that came out was. Was it the strawberries, or was it the bike lanes in Williamsburg? either way its been a while since the last one. The new one is a chumrah; any phone that isn't me'usher from va'ad harobanim, is now not obligated to be returned if lost, lest the owner use it to text his chavrusah.

I find this rather funny, unlike most people, who find it to be outrageous. I remember learning from Uncle Moishy, returning something that you found is a mitzvah. Now I am not someone to argue between the gadlus of Uncle Moishy and a rabbi from Israel, but I do know there is a mitzvah of Hashovos aveidah (returning something that's lost) written somewhere in the Torah, in fact there is a whole Chapter in Bava Metziah about when to return whats lost. I know that the Rabbi from Israel is only trying to teach us true Torah values, and I know Uncle Moishy is only trying to teach kids (and the parents who are forced to listen to it), but the fact remains there is a major machloiket going on here, and I dont think we can answer it yet.

Sadly, boys and girls, now its time to say shalom, Uncle Moishy and this rabbi are going home, but they will be back again, arguing what are the mitzvos of hashem. la la la la la la la la la la la la la la laaaah.....

OH NO ITS COMING, AT THE WORST TIME!!!

Everybody quick, run, jump, hide, PESACH 09 is coming!! Everyone has no clue how it came so quickly this year, and what bad timing it has.


After learning that Purim does in fact come before Pesach this year, as in many other years, you can only wonder, WHY? Let me explain why we ask why; Purim has come and you gave everybody mishloach manot and they gave back, now you have tons of chametz laying around the house, and Pesach is coming in a month!! Why does Purim come right before Pesach?Explained.

I think Pesach has the worst timing possible; you have to prepare months before hand, and Purim is right in the middle of it. Well, the Talmud argues with me and says Passover comes at the best time of year, spring, and the Talmud is right (in affect that means The Talmudist is right too, somehow). To that I have two things to say: one is I am wrong and Purim is the one that should be moved earlier on the calendar instead, or, the Talmud only referred to the Egypt-Israel area (I am liking the last one) and everywhere else Peasch should be moved.

Since we confirmed this to be true, Purim before Pesach, and they arent moving (yet), there is only one good option, WE ALL GO SOMEWHERE REALLY EXPENSIVE FOR PESACH, AND LEAVE THE CHAMETZ BEHIND. 3 reasons why, one we are putting money back into the economy, 2) we are escaping all the chametz and 3) All the ads in the Jewish newspapers are practically begging us to for the last 3 months. Who's with me? anybody?....anybody?...... how about you, no? okay...... anybody?

MEGILLAH READING

Notice: this was supposed to be posted taanit esther, then got pushed off and got pushed off on Purim, again. I was very busy, but its here now.

Everyone is always pumped for the first megillah reading, as if they are supposed get a reward for it, but truth be told there is nothing so special about it.

Everyone crowds into shul, some in their costumes, and some not. Maybe its the fact that everyone, who does have a costume, likes to show off their great costume. Some might have great costumes and think so, some don't have great ones and still think so. But I don't think this is why everyone likes megillah reading; otherwise, you can just have a normal party with everyone bringing their costumes.


Then you have to wait for the megillah reading that you were pumped about, through most of maariv; is this a great way to start off Purim? Okay so now you've started megillah reading, its got a funny tune to it, but its not something to be pumped about, and if you want to bang when the reader says Haman, you still have to wait till the third perek to hear the first one. I don't think that's why people are pumped about it; besides, the fact that you bang a little, there is really nothing to be so pumped about.

Another thing not to be pumped about is that, you hear the same story every year, who wants that. Go tell a five year old the same story every year (he will have to be five for quite a few years) you'll never hear him asking for you tell a story again. Not only that, but you are fasting at this point in time, no one wants to listen to megillah.

This leaves me to realize that the only reason people are pumped about megillah is that everyone is quiet during it; otherwise, you miss a word and aren't yotzei. Who wouldn't like for everyone to be quiet at some point in time, I definitely would like that.

If you have a different reason to be pumped about megillah reading, please share.

HAPPY PURIM!!!!!

To all have a happy, and sameach Purim. (Heres some shalcoh manot).

FROM MIKE IN MIDWOOD

PURIM IS ONE HECTIC NIGHT

Purim has arrived, as you celebrate the breaking of the fast of Esther. You bite into a piece of sponge cake and drink some orange juice. Then you hear everyone quiet down (is that even possible), the rabbi says a brachah and then everyone eats. "Oh shoots" you say" I ate before the rabbi, eh who cares" as you shrug it off.

You come home and decide to do some last minute preperation for shaloch manot. You are trying to think of what else you can put in, or what else you can put it in. You decide that the idea you had, of using a bag to keep the shaloch manot in, is okay. There you are (waving to us in the camera) stuffing in shaloch manot, twist tying it, and labeling it with your cheesy greeting card/label. You are finally done. You look at all of the bags you packed and set in rows against the wall. You say "They are all so nice, I picked a good bag, I even like the air holes at the bottom of every bag" you think for a moment, then.... "Hey, there aren't supposed to be any air holes, how did they get there? Oh shoots!". Turns out your bags were pierced by the sharp edges of your wafer boxes, as everything begins to spill out. All your work is ruined as you are wondering why you didn't go with the nice looking baskets like everyone else will, cheap isn't smart you say.

All of a (the) sudden, you hear the door bell ring, you open the door only to find people in costumes, and a limo in front of your house. You live in a very Jewish neighborhood, all are Jewish except your non-Jewish next door neighbor, so you expected this. The guys in costumes all start singing Chayiv inish libsumim (and smoke), as they dance there way in a circle into your house. You wait till they quiet down and ask what they want from you, they answer with, money. You ask what are you collecting for, they say "oh we are for a heiligeh tzedakah that if you give to it, all blessing shall be upon you". So you give 18$, one guy mutters "I thought this guy was rich?" You answer "you're right cheap isn't smart here's more" you give 50$ more. They leave and say thank you.

As you turn from your door it rings again, only to find another group waiting at it. They come in a circle dancing into your house singing Mishehnichnis adar marbim bisimchah. These guys just don't know when to end. You hear the door ring again, you assume its another group with a limo outside, and you are right. The new group starts singing Mishehnichnas adar marbim bisimchah, but a different tune. So now both groups have joined together, singing different tunes to the same song. You then say "Alright guys time to get what you came for". They instantly stop. The first group begins to say "We are collecting for...." they are cut off by the second group saying "helping children with difficulties is..." and they too are cut off. Now both groups are fighting, one says "we were here first" the other says "vinahapichu", you think they are both valid statements. You say to them "I have an idea here's 50$ to both of you guys and now it settled".

This goes on another 5 or 6 times, to each a fifty or more, and its getting annoying. You decide to take out a bottle of wine to drown this all out, you just cant take it any more. Another ring is at your door, this time its a drunk group of guys stumbling in you say "guys keep it down", turns out they cant. Singing off key is the game and staying in a straight line is a challenge for them. One guy starts stepping on your already ruined shaloch manot, You scream "Hey off my air-holed shaloch manot!!" the guy jumps off them after jumping on one more. Then there is this one guy who proceeds to vomit on your sofa, you scream "Oh shoots! Clean that right now you drunk bum!!" he just sits in it. Another ring at your door, and then another, and another, and another. "AAAHHHH!!!!" you yell "GET OUT, GET OUT GET OUT, AND YOU STOP SITTING IN YOUR VOMIT!!!!!!!!". You threaten to call the cops, you threaten to use a baseball bat, they aren't afraid, as they overtake your house. You take out your bat and are ready to swing. You hear a knock at the door. You open it ready to swing, you see two cops.

"Hey sir don't swing", the cops say, you drop the bat in utter astonishment. The cops say "sir we have got an anonymous tip from a neighbor of yours" the goy next door you believe, "that its loud and you are giving booze to minors. You say "I ain't loud officers and I ain't giving booze". The cops look at the guy sitting in his throw up, and then at the bottle of wine you used to drown it all out with. Instant panic comes to your mind, Oh shoots I'm going to the slammer, you think.

You are deciding to make a daring move to save yourself. Oops too late, looks like you already decided as you jump on one of the cops to cover his eyes as to not let him see everything wrong in your house. Instant uproar has set in; the cops are trying to get you off, a cherry bomb just exploded, you think it was a gun shot, all the drunkards are hurrying/stumbling out, you are being banged in to every wall as the cops are trying to knock you off. Finally they get you off, Oh shoots you think, now my plan has failed.

The cops say "Sir we have reason to believe you have been selling illegal fireworks to minors too, you are so busted". "YOU SCREAM NOT TRUE NOT TRUE, YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!!!!". The cops manage to get a hold of your struggling body, pretty easily. As they drag you to the police car you scream "YOU'RE ALL DEAD, ALL YOU COLLECTORS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!! AND YOU TWO COPS YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!!!!! YOU HEAR ME!!! YOU HEAR MEEEEE!!!!! as they stuff you into the car.

Now you are in jail, you cant even make your phone call because you weren't cheap, and gave all your money to the tzedakos. You thought to yourself "it wasn't good to be cheap because of your air holed shaloch manot and you should have been cheap because now you cant pay for the phone call, you are so confused. You also tried to get out of this whole mess with pleading "vinahapichu", it didn't work. Your last thoughts before we finish this posts is "Why isn't Madoff getting at least half the bad treatment you are", and to that we will never know.

TIPS FOR PURIM

We all know that Megillah is hard to listen to once you hit like the 5th perek, and you still have to listen to every word that's said, kind of hard. There are those that reread every word they think they missed, but since I am giving out tips today you obviously wont need to do that. The solution: did you know that you can be half asleep and still be yotzei your megillah needs? its true, as long as you can be woken up by someone calling your name, you can rest through the whole megillah reading (except when they bang for haman, gonna be hard to stay dozing through that).

After you are done breaking your fast, you will most probably hit by the swarm of collectors going around in limos. They will ask for every penny you have, most of it to pay for their ride. You will be danced around to every Purim song there is, it gets quite annoying. Solution: Give each group a 5$ and tell them to leave right away, you save your money, dont get annoyed, and its getting the mitzvah of tzedakah. If you do not want to give tzedakah, then you can hang a big cross on your door so no one will come (remember to take off the mezuzah). If you don't feel like hanging a cross on your door, due to the neighbors, then you can tell every group that comes by, "My children are sleeping I don't want you to wake them up" and you dont pay them either.

Then it will come day time, and the shaloch manot will be plenty. You don't want to look out done by your neighbors, who are giving you glass vases filled with all assortments including those mint chocolates no one likes, or have these themes that will cost a fortune, what to do? Solution: If you are a cheap person, you wont care what you give to them, in fact you give it back. If you are a person who just cant afford to make such an extravagant basket, you should know that you are only required to give two things, and no they don't have to be two different brachos, contrary to what everyone thinks ( Shulchan aruch clearly states that you can give two types of meat [both shehakol], it even goes so far as to say that maybe you can give a piece of chicken and the bottom and the top are two different things and you are yotzei, but we hold you aren't yoztei with one piece of chicken). That is all you have to do, almost nothing, or you give only one person, still yotzei.

People like to get drunk on Purim, your child or husband might too. You do not want them to come home drunk, and vomiting. Solution: Not much I can help you with here, only a little less vomiting. So to lessen the vomit: (Edit from Moshe) don't drink on an empty stomach. Drink water, alcohol dehydrates you and you throw up. Drink milk before drinking, it will lessen the effects by reducing your stomach's effectiveness of absorbing alcohol. After you come home, drink chamomile tea, preferably with mint.Unless you're Russian, don't mix! before drinking. Also do not give them the keys to the car when they go out on Purim (this isnt because of vomiting), make them walk. If possible convince them that sleeping allows you to be yotzei getting drunk on Purim, which it doesn't (clearly written in halachah seforim). If you yourself are drinking, then try to drink water right after you take a shot, I hear it helps you not vomit.

Another good tip is, don't drink and drive on Purim. Reasons: On a day where you should drink till you don't know, you shouldn't be driving, you may get lost. #2, With all the traffic out on the roads, it would be better if you were alert. #3 (an obvious) you may spill your drink, and #4, jail isn't fun.

I hope these tips can help you this Purim, if you have any more I will be glad to add them on to my list.

PURIM COSTUMES

Throughout Jewish history people dressed up on Purim. Some costumes are normal work clothes some people have, others are made of clothes that are worn by specific people, then there are those food or drink costumes, and the I just threw what ever random article of clothe I had, with sunglasses.

Why do we wear costumes on Purim, and no its not to copy Halloween. Well at one point in time G-d hid himself from us as he made a hidden miracle for the Jews of Persia. So we commemorate to this by hiding ourselves, like g-d did. Okay so now you know.

Some famous work clothes costumes are; the soldier, doctor, nurse, hatzolah guy, policeman, fireman, cowboys, pirates and clowns. These are easy, and you can buy it anywhere. I always see some kids playing around as if they are real soldiers, and some threatening their friends that they will arrest them with their plastic handcuffs. the doctor one works real well with the healthy theme, or the hospital theme, the kids just need a white lab coat and a stethoscope.

Then there is the specifics. Dressing up as a president (Obama wont be hard), animals, fruits and vegetables, Elvis, Terrorists, the guy on the monopoly board (I did this once) and many more like this. Gorillas are the favorite animals people dress up as. Food is easy, I dressed up as a cherry once. Elvis is a famous one out there, just as much as any character in the Purim story. That reminds me; Esther is the fave among girls, vashti isn't, who wants to look ugly? Mordechai is made out to be a guy with a Black hat and a beard with a black jacket, he wore a turban and a robe! Haman is very distinct, a triangle hat and your done, but this year he is being taken over by Bernie Madoff. Achashveirosh the king of Persia, my brother loved dressing up as him. And of course there are the people who throw on anything with a pair of sunglasses.

I love to hear the stupid comments people make about costumes on Purim. Here are some; "You did a good job on your vashti costume" and then one wearing it says "I'm supposed to be Esther", or "I cant tell who is under that mask", or "I love your costume, what did you dress up as?" all of these can go with the cheesy greeting on the shaloch manot.

I actually like costumes people make themselves, their very creative. I always liked to make my own costumes. I was the monopoly guy once (my shaloch manot went with this as a theme), an Arab (I took an old shirt and one of those big red rubber bands and made a kafia), a crazy doctor (I used some sort of scissor shaped clamp as glasses, I clamped the thing to my nose, it had two holes to see through) and another time an outsourced worker for dell computers named Badu.

Listen, any costume can be great or bad, it depends on what you do with it. Heres to a well dresssed purim.

PURIM THEMES

What ever compelled people to have a theme for Purim? Purim is a time where themes were destroyed. V'nahapichu (vi-nuh-ha-pi-choo), meaning everything is turned upside down and all around; themes are the opposite of that, and no one cares, so lets move on.

Something you must know about a theme. It must have; objects relating to the theme (well duh!), shaloch manos in accordance to the theme, costumes have to be related, and cheesy greeting labels on the shaloch manos telling you who its from and some random thing about having a great Purim related to the theme (E.G. Your Purim theme is donuts, your greeting is "Do nuts on Purim" or "donut drink and drive on Purim if you had too much to know if you had too much"[this one is usually from the token hatzalah guy])

There is the clown theme. The clown theme is the most common theme for families; the father throws on a jester hat with bells, the kids all have the colorful hair and a big red nose, yellow polka dotted suits. The shaloch manos is not given out with some cheesy greeting (big exception), only a regular "Purim sameach from the somethingsteins" or "a freilichim Purim from the soandsomans". The shaloch manos is filled with anything that is remotely clownish, and there is no food that's remotely clownish, so they give a bottle of grape juice, animal crackers, chocolate and maybe a soda. The clown theme is not one of the best ones out there.

The Airplane theme. Better than the clown theme, the airplane theme has more variety and it practically writes itself. The kids can dress up as flight attendants or pilots. You know you are going to give airline food to everyone, with some complimentary peanuts. The cheesy greeting written can be "Hope you have sky high Purim feeling from the ........"

Then there is the I-just-knocked-off-a-famous-company-theme. Drunkin donuts, McDavid, Mendy's (wendys), Dairy Esther (dairy queen) etc.etc... these all are done in a stupid and yet clever way. The stupid, is the way they think of the names, and how the theme is just a non OUD kosher knock off of the real product. The clever, is how they present this too you; in a box or bag that is similar to the regular companies, but has there logo on it. The cheesy greetings have too many variables to write, but ill let you know something, they are all cheesy.

The Zionist theme: Cookies in a bag shaped like Israel with two big bites in them (resembling Gaza and west bank), with a note saying "Israel is like a cookie and everyone wants a bite out of it". Blue and white is the color used for the wrapping. The kids hold Israeli flags and have blue and white face paint. The greetings can have something like "may Israel triumph over its enemies as in the past" that's if they are really Zionist, or "With enough wine on Purim America can look like Israel too".

The recession theme: Has a bottle of wine stating "drown it out with this" and and some red hots with a label saying "Burn Bernie (Madoff) burn". The greeting goes like this "Madoff is the new haman". (I cant believe I even thought of this as a theme, its horrible).

The healthy food theme: Not much to explain, everyone dresses like vegetables, and no one wants their shaloch manot.

The color themes: The color theme is lame, even more so then the clown, but not as much as the healthy food one. My family did it 2 years in a row ( different colors). One year we did red and orange, everyone thought it was supposed to be fire, and the other year it was yellow, I was not to fond either one. The greeting can go like, depending on your color, "orange you glad its Purim" or "don't turn green this Purim" or "Esther was green shaded".

Then there is the I-Don't-have-a-theme-theme. Everyone dresses up as whatever they want, You give any normal wafers and grape juice out there. You write a poem or "chag sameach from us" and you're done.

Of course there are more themes out there, hospital, kitchen, just to mention a few, but you got the basic idea of themes. Personally I think themes stupid, I am more for the traditional give and get, not the I thought of something decent and, of course, cheesy. Hope this post has helped you think of a theme, or gave you ideas. P.S. The Zionist one was my idea, cookie and all, I wanted to use it this year, but you can use if you want.